My best friend’s mom passed away a few months ago, and the burial service is coming up, and it’s in my home town, 4hrs away. The original plan was to have my daughter stay home, and her father watches her, but he is working, and unable to, and everyone I’ve asked back home is either busy or away. I told her I wouldn’t be able to make it because I have my daughter, and it just didn’t seem fair to her to drive 8hrs in 2 days and sit in the heat for the service, all while having no help. I was trying to be respectful of the service and didn’t want my daughter screaming and running around too, but my friend said I was pulling the “baby card” and that she will remember this… I get it’s a hard time for her, but I feel like she’s very unreasonable. Thoughts?
How old is your daughter?
If she is your best friend you should go no matter what!
Her emotions are raw. I understand your choice and her perspective.
She may not can see your perspective due to her own grief right now.
Sounds like she just needs a friend to be there for her…i can’t imagine what she’s going through. She’s probably been excited to see you too and thats probably bothering her as well!!
Kinda agree with the friend. If your daughter is old enough to “run around”, 8 hours in a car over a 2 day period won’t hurt her… and neither will the heat. Keep her hydrated, wear sunscreen, and minimal clothing. Lots of parents do these things without “help”… you’ll live. Your friend lost her mother, suck it up and be there for her.
Your bf needs you…you should be there. Not just when it’s convenient for you
Her mom just died. Don’t take the anger personally.
I’ve been driving my daughter half way to her dads out since she was 5 months old. It’s a 6 hour round trip. Longer with her, but it’s not impossible. Depending on the age, tablets are truly life savers.
How olds your daughter?
Also, did you tell your friend? By that I mean, did you tell her the situation and ask what her thoughts are on it. Whether she would mind your daughter being there or not. If she would rather you bring your daughter along so you can be there to support her - or did you just say “I can’t because no one will watch my daughter?”
Your friend needs you. Maybe look in to a drop in childcare for your daughter or see if someone knows anyone that can babysit her during the funeral. A death of a parent is hard and your emotions are in hyperdrive. Do your best to go . If you absolutely can’t make it be there for her through any contact possible.
If she’s old enough to run around i think she can handle an 8 hour drive over the course of two days, your best friend needs you now more than anything
If it was important to you then you would suck it up and take your daughter.
Sorry but this sounds like the mom that can’t take their kid to the store because they don’t have help. If it’s important, you need to go and take your kid. Unless she has special needs there is no reason she can’t hang in there for a little road trip.
My friend drives 5 hours one way every 2nd weekend to drop her kids off to their dads, so no offence, 4 hours one way for a one off trip shouldn’t be an issue, especially with only one child, my friend has 4, including a toddler and baby now. I’d have a real hard think about what your friendship means to you, because she needs you, and if you don’t show up because ‘its not fair in my daughter’, she may not forgive you, you’ll go on trips longer then that in your life, this shouldn’t be any different.
You’re in the wrong! Find a sitter while her father works and then he can take care of her while he’s home.
Suck it up and deal with the kid if you can’t find a sitter…
I get what you’re saying but if my best friends mom died I would be there.
My dad just passed June 4th, my husband had to work and I had to travel 7 hours (my daughter has been doing this trip every year since 3 years old) and I needed him, I was there Thursday night (on the 4th) Friday I was a complete wreck, Saturday I just couldn’t do it and begged my husband to come (he did and then dealt with work stuff) she really truly needs you to get through this process. If your the only person she asked for don’t let anything stop you. She’s going through a lot of emotions.
I’d be there no matter what. She needs you. I can’t imagine losing my mother and having to wait 4months to bury her.
I’m going to be the odd one out and say not EVERYONE can afford to pay a sitter or drop in daycare. My best friend lives 4 hours away, and when her father passed away last year I didn’t go for the funeral. I love my friend but my children are more important.
You throw the kid in the car and support your friend… single moms do this everyday
It’s her grieving process is there a way you could offer when you have childcare to do a ceremony just you two to share more personal memories and things only you guys would know? That may ease the grief. Unfortunately I think the sadness and upset have taken over which is understandable but I believe you made the correct decision and the most respectable and responsible xx
I have 5 kids n if my best friends mom ever dies…im loading up and all of us will be in attendance
Go love take your daughter you may regret not going .take a toy too keep her occupied or bottle if shes very young xx
I would suck it up and go.
Well her mother died and that’s extremely hard. When my daughter was five months old my aunt died my husband had to work so i drove with my daughter and my mom to Alabama from swfl which is around a 12 hour drive including multiple stops because of my nephew and my daughter. I took that drive and took my mother because it was something my mom needed me to do and be there with her for. It was difficult yes but I got through it. We stayed for four days as well. Also I was the only one driving. If its important to you than you need to go. Bring your daughter it’s part of being a parent. Be there for your bestfriend in this time of need. Btw my daughter was very fussy most of the time because she hated car rides at that age. She also has bad acid reflux and was crying. So yes it was stressful even though she was only five months old.
Actually a kid running around might help in my opinion will help people smile in a sad situation. Kids bring alot of joy. Always be there when your best friend needs you. 4 hrs each way isn’t that bad I like to drive when my son is sleeping stop if they are crying not worth the anxiety. As for baby card I will use it anytime I damn well please this just isn’t the right time in my opinion.
Not a best friend if youre not supporting her through the toughest time. Take someone else with you to help with daughter.
She’s grieving she needs your support. Bring your child funerals aren’t that long. Your child should be able to sit through it.
I wouldn’t feel guilty about not going I would definitely send a spray of flowers or a plant to the sevice on your behalf
I’m a single mum and have taken my kids to funerals due to not having anyone to look after them since my youngest was 1. You will regret it if you don’t.
I think it’s easy to forget how hard toddlers can be. Honestly toddlers can be extra needy and have unavoidable meltdowns making it hard to have “control” over the child. It’s inevitable at times, and most times its at the most inconvenient of times. I wouldn’t go on a trip alone, especially to a funeral service, with a toddler known for throwing tantrums or acting out.
However, she didn’t say how old the child was but inferring from her paragraph I’m gonna guess it’s a young child since she made reference to being respectful of the service and fearing her child would be running around and screaming, I can understand and relate to why she wouldn’t want to do that. And I know all about having a “difficult” young one.
Also, just my personal belief, but if the child doesn’t personally know and have a relationship with the one who has passed, I don’t agree with taking young children to those sorts of things. It’s a time to mourn your loved one, and be of support, not hangout.
Wish I knew more to give better advice.
How old is your daughter ?
Sounds like the friend has already judged you. Stay home and don’t worry about it. Or go, and don’t worry about it. I think the friend will have the same opinion of you either way. Yes, I think she is being unreasonable. You can be disappointed with someone without hurling insults like “baby card.”
Be there for your friend no matter what.
If my best friends mom died I’d bring my dog, my kid, the neighborhood kids, whoever tf I had to load up to go support my best friend.
I would do it for my friend in a heartbeat. I drove with my infant 3 hours and took him to my brother-in-laws brothers funeral. It was tough, but they were glad i was there.
She needs you. But you know your child. It’s a tough situation. How can you be there for your friend, while trying to wrangle an active child? Talk to her, see what she wants. If it’s just you being there that will make her feel better, then go with your child and do your best to keep your child distracted and calm. But know if you don’t go, you may lose your friend. Sorry any the situation you’re in. I know it’s a tough one
I’m sorry you said best friend correct? Well I know nothing would stand in the way of my best friend or I being there for one another… especially in such a hard time… Not judging but I personally would pack my kids up an take them with me. Lots of snacks an activities an kiddo will be fine. Stop for breaks etc… finding excuses to not do something is always easier than making a plan an sticking to it.
Make arrangements to spend time with her next weekend after everyone is gone and she has the every day life to get through. Alone.
I would suggest to still go and take your daughter. My daughter is only 4 and has attended so many funerals since she’s been born ( a lot of family and friends have passed since I had her) I had the same concerns as you but everyone was happy to see her despite her getting agitated for sitting long. The four most recent ones I just brought a tablet or phone with a movie or games ready to go along with headphones. As a baby I had bottle ready to be prepped on hand and now I have a lot of snacks and water. Make sure she is in comfortable clothes and bring a blanket for her to sit down in the grass. I understand both you and your friend but she is grieving. Bringing a baby might brighten some of the loved ones moods because it did for the ones I’ve attended.
Whatever you do dont be the person who doesn’t go and sends flowers or what have you. Nothing says fuck you like not being there to support to someone but using your money to buy a gift no one wants. She wants you. Not flowers. If you cant afford a trained reliable nanny or daycare Id bring my kid its not a long drive and its for my best friend. And id expect her to do the same.
I would go, no question.
Go to her trust me she needs support it’s really hard to loose a loved one and my prays are with the family
Pack your child up and go pay respects to your best friend!
Do what’s best for you and your child no one else matters
If it’s too much for you, don’t do it. Just understand that your friend can choose to be understanding of your situation or not, so it’s possible you lose the friendship in the end.
I understand not wanting to bring your kids cause it feels disrespectful, but maybe you can ask her if there is a trusted adult or maybe teen that could watch the baby for the service?
Your best friend lost her momma months ago & now she is going to relive those emotions. Please be there for her. My best friends are my soulmates. I’m sure your hers & it’s so important for her mental/spiritual health for you to be there to support her.
Be there. No matter what
You are using an excuse. Crappy
If it’s your hometown, do you have any family that could watch her just for a couple of hours during the service?
Be there, I know it suck but it’s not a life or death choice for you or your daughter and your friend will only go through this once. Be there for your friend 
If shes your best friend, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind your baby coming. I know my best friends consider my kids their kids as well. And “without help” you should be able to handle your own child alone. The 4hr drive is the only tricky part. But if u leave late at night the baby will sleep the whole way 
I’m on your side. Funeral services are usually an adult function, and with younger kids (and older too) can become bored easily and might act out while the service is happening. When my best friends father died I didn’t go because my kid was only 3, I had no one to watch him and had no money for a sitter or day care. I didn’t want him running around and disturbing the rest of the folks there. While my friend understood, I can also understand that your friend is riddled with all kinds of emotion right now and lashed out with her statement.
How close is this friend? If she’s close enough to where you met her mom… you should go. No excuses. Take a tablet and snacks. Occupy your child. Put the child in a stroller.
While I feel sorry for her and she is grieving, your daughter comes first and for her to say you are using your child not to go to a long distant event shows that she’s not your friend.
You just have to prepare to make the trip easier. I would still go. Your best friend needs you and you should be there perioddd.
start your drive at night while your daughter is sleep. You can definitely make it happen
It sounds like she needs her best friend. Just try to put yourself in her shoes for a sec. It is def going to be a struggle with a small child but manageable. If the service is long maybe only go for the first half or second half. You could always bring those little portable fans and an umbrella to protect from the sun. I know it’s not an ideal situation but she needs you. Now if she’s just a casual friend stay home but if it’s your bestie you gotta go
she is hurting & she is just venting. You told her you are sorry & for that she should understand. Tell her you are here for her & maybe allow her to stay at your house & just talk, It’s a thought. if that doesn’t work…oh well, Olny time will tell
Take your kid and go. She obviously dosnt mind having your child there and she needs you.
I would say you should take your baby with you an be there for your friend
My feeling is that you take your ass to that service! Take your kid to a DAYcare.
It might sound weird but in my family there have always been kids running around and babies crying. The service itself is sad but afterwards the kids give the adults a chance to give their minds something else to do.
If it’s been several months it’s not like it’s the initial period of grief when it first happens. This is a memorial service for the most part. You know your child. If she couldn’t be there without creating problems don’t go and don’t feel bad for it. You have to weigh all the circumstances and decide what to do. If it feels right, stay home and send a sincere note, maybe flowers if you can afford it. If she is a real friend she should understand your situation and not try to guilt you into it. That remark about “not forgetting this” would have done it for me. That’s a threat,and friends don’t do that.
If YOU were a true friend nothing would stop you. Period. I’d go to the edge of the world for my best friend, with my kid in tow. If I were her I’d wash my hands of you.
I don’t feel kids should be at funerals if it not the parents or grandparents honestly. You can still be there for her qithout physically doing so. It’s a lot to expect someone especially a 2 year old to attend a service for such a period of time.
While I think funerals are important for support, being that it’s 8 hours away I don’t blame you for not going. I have a 14 month old and I wouldn’t take him 8 hours away for a funeral.
Where theres a will theres a way
Go and bring your daughter
She is grieving. Take one for the team and figure out how to make it work. Yes it wouldn’t be easy with a child - but your friend is counting on you and that really shows the test of friendship. And if your kid is acting up that is uncontrollable just walk away with her but atleast at the end of the day you showed up for her.
I understand why your friend is hurt. I also understand why you feel you can’t go. I think its completely reasonable. But I think you should allow your friend to feel how ever she feels without getting angry. Its an impossible situation and I think with time things will mend.
Would she do it for you, even if the answer is probably… then you can probably do it for her to??? Xxx idk. How much does this friend mean to you? It’s two days out of your life xxx
My mother died 2 years ago. My so called best friend was a no show. I do not miss her
I wouldn’t expect ANY friends to drive that far for a memorial service with their child. She’s an adult and can handle her grief. That’s a small road trip and a lot for a child. If she can’t accept that you can be there for her in other ways, then she’s not a very good friend.
It’s not about you. Your friend needs you to not complain and be there for her.
I don’t blame you. That’s way too long and with the COVID19, it’s just not worth the risk.
I drove 11 hrs in one day to go to my friends wedding with my toddler, with no help. Your daughter will be fine. I’d go.
If it’s in your hometown, do you have anyone there that could either attend with you, or help with your baby for a little while you go to the service
Just go and maybe make some memories for ur child, she needs u and u will b sorry u didnt
Take your child with you.
I am sure there is a part of the church you can go to if she gets restless
It’s your bestfriend… you take your kid and deal with it… my god she lost her mother. This would never even be a question between me and my bestfriend.
I think your being selfish, best friends are hard to come by. Be there for her.
I’m sorry but I don’t think she is wrong at all for feeling the way she does!
If my best friends mom died I do whatever it took to be there for her no matter who or what I had to cart along!!!
My best friends dad passed away two years ago and I drove through a snow storm with a 6 week old baby to be there for her and her and her dad didn’t even have a great relationship!
I would do what it took to be there for my BF. Even bringing my kid’s. A 4 hour car ride is nothing to be there for a friend.
If shes your bestfriend and her mom died, I think you should make some sacrifices to be there for her.
If it were my best friend id find any possible way to be there for her even if it ment taking my child i was uncomfortable to take trying to be respectful.
When my father died I didn’t shame any of my friends that couldn’t make it. It was also a trip for a lot of them and they all have multiple children. My sister (different dads) went out of town on an already scheduled trip and I didn’t shame her either. I feel for her as I’ve been there but I also try to see everyone’s side.
some of you in the comments sound like amazing friends !!
If it was mh best friend that wouldnt stop me. My kids have to learn to behave and when to do what that’s a good time to learn
You sound like a horrible friend
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go just.monitor the situation things get tough leave
My mom died a year ago. She won’t care if your baby cries. Or if you have to step away to tend to your child. If you can at all make it, try to do so. Just trying means so much.
I guess this all really depends how old your child is, it is hot and masks are still required. So honestly I wouldn’t want to take my child either
She should understand or see if she knows someone who could look after her for a couple hours. OR just show up with your kid, and if the kid makes a scene, she cant say crap. You came, even though you told her you had no sitter
Yes, she is being unreasonable. These are dangerous times to be traveling and especially with children. Everyday there are new rules on masks and states travel restrictions. Not to mention all the rioting. Stay home and be safe. Everyone has to do what is best for them. You can attend the funeral video live stream.
She’s not wrong… I’d be loading up my kids and making the journey for my best friend. Nothing would stop me from being there to support her. Honestly it sounds like your making excuses and her feelings are valid
Honestly if my best friends mum died and I couldn’t get a sitter I would be saying to my baby girl sorry for the crazy next two days I’ll buy ya treats to make you happy but we are going !! She needs your support right now ; my mum died and my best friend came even though she was pretty much in labour , something I’ll forever be great full for
I’d be there come hell and high water for my best friend if that happened and she lost her mom