I'm already feeling very low and quite embarrassed.
Bit of background I’ve been with my partner for over 15 years and 4 kids later we have had our fair share of ups and downs like every couple I suppose but in the last 6 or so months had a lot of dramas and recently caught him lying about little things… Things have been very distant between us because our fighting and him not being able to compromise.
He has been coming home not doing anything with me or our kids. I’ve been asking him to spend more time and make more effort with me but he isn’t making any effort. He says he loves me and wants to be a family still so that obviously isn’t the problem. ( there is really a lot more to the story but it would take me all day) so here’s what I need help with please be kind I’m feeling really low atm and to be honest a bit embarrassed. I thought I would spy on him as I just knew something hasn’t been right. Anyway I found out something I thought has been the case for a LONG time now, his been doing things to his “back door”. Not sure what he sticks in there or how often etc. I really don’t know how to feel about this. He doesn’t want to have sex with me very often I’ve spoke to him about this many many times and It’s like I’ve hit a brick wall. I honestly don’t know what to do. He tells me his not gay but hasn’t answered any other questions. There is so many problems in our relationship right now but this being a new bigger problem I want to tackle this first.
I love him so much but starting to feel the love is going. I feel I don’t need him around or don’t want him around.
If your still reading thank you I really need advice! This to me feels like a deal breaker it makes me feel sick, I think there is a difference in wanting to try something new to then doing it yourself.
What do I do?
I wouldn’t come out and just straight up ask him. He’ll most likely feel ambushed and say no even if it’s yes. I guess if it were me I would talk to him. Sit down, tell him that you feel like things have changed and you’re not sure why. If he doesn’t say anything or it’s like talking to a wall I would just reassure him that you love him very much, you always will & that if needs or wants to talk then you’re there for him. Tell him that to open the door, it might take a little bit of time but once he realizes “hey I can talk to her about this” then he knows you’ll be there and will open up. Unfortunately if he doesn’t, then maybe recommend therapy? For himself or even as a couple. But if you’re done by that time which it sounds like you’re starting down that path now, then tell him maybe we should get a divorce. You can only take so much especially without knowing anything.
Would you maybe be willing to do some of that stuff with him in the bedroom…? Maybe he’s embarrassed about it and he’s not gay, just doesn’t know how you would react. Try bringing that up.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You may just ask him straight out, idk if you have already and he avoids that. Maybe he isn’t gay, but likes anal pleasure? Hope this helps.
Doing anal play does not make a man gay. And chances are he’s not telling you because you’re reacting how you’re reacting and youre demanding answers out of him for something he’s into sexually. Some counciling might do you some good so you can learn how to approach in him in a non judgmental manner to discuss this.
Sitting down and talking with him was a good move and maybe you can express that you’re willing to help him do some stuff to that area just because he likes to do stuff to that area doesn’t mean he’s gay trust me I know this from personal experience some guys just like that stuff and maybe the reason why he’s so moody is because it makes him second-guess himself or maybe he thinks that you won’t understand communication and comprehension are a big key here maybe suggest that you guys go to a therapist for couples counseling or maybe a sex therapist cuz those do exist. If he’s still not willing to do anything after that I’m very sorry sweetheart just know that we’re here for you
He can be gay, but still loves you & your kids. But he would rather be with one that he can truly love. That doesn’t make him a bad person or dad. Talk to him. See if he will be honest with you. Tell him, you love him no matter what. But again if he is gay, he will leave you to be with someone that makes him happy ( not that you didn’t)
Butt play and lack of sex with you isn’t enough to make him gay. It would be a good time to sit down with him and express how you feel, even if it may be difficult for you. You never know, he might be a kinky person and probably is ashamed to tell you, because let’s be real, when a man likes his ass toyed with there’s this automatic assumption that he’s gay. Not his fault a god decided to put the cum button in the butt area. Lol
Maybe he’s embarrassed to try it with you I say set the mood, and show him you’re open to the back door play, if you are of course…how do you know he’s doing that? I’m just saying A LOT of men like exploring that but aren’t gay by a long shot. But it can be incredibly embarrassing and make them feel vulnerable so in my experience, they won’t break the ice with a female about it…unless they ARE gay.
Ask him if you can peg him. Spice it up. Make it fun for you both. Start with using toys while giving him head. Stuff like that. It could
Open so many doors and bring your relationship back to life.
Went through the same thing with my husband years ago. We eventually talked about it, and tried those things together… but it just wasn’t enough. He went elsewhere and I just recently found out. I hope talking to your husband goes better than mine did. But definitely start with suggesting doing some of those things together. Sending love
My partner is not gay by any means however he does enjoy a affair amount of anal play we both do. If your ok with it perhaps explore it with him he may just be ashamed and not sure if you will accept his fetish. If your not ok with it you need to talk to him either way communication is key
Maybe try to do some of it with him, just because he like things like that it doesn’t make him gay that is actually a number 1 turn on spot for a man you can research it if you want, but most men thinks it being gay and want even try it, but just maybe try and get an understanding of it and see if he wants you to go on that adventure with him in the bedroom!
Just because he’s curious about or enjoys “back door” play doesn’t mean he’s gay or confused at all. He may just be self conscious speaking to you about his wants and desires because you are assuming he’s gay for liking what he likes. Talk to him without judgement and be open to what he says. I wouldn’t want to talk to you about it either for instantly assuming that.
maybe spice it up in the bedroom and see if he’s into it, he may not be gay and just likes the feeling. talk with him about trying some new stuff. good luck
It does not mean hes gay I’m gay and that’s not what we do of course my husband and I have been together 41yrs so things could have changed over the years oh and we both were married when we met in the airforce.
In my opinion I would talk to him and bring up experimenting with this in the bedroom he just might not feel comfortable approaching you about it so you bring it up. It can Renew your relationship in many ways.
Instead of just bombarding him with questions, make him more comfortable and let him know you just want to be there for support and comfort while he is trying new things.
Try it on with him. Slip a cheeky finger in an see how he reacts once you done it once he might not feel so shy lol
In all honesty it sounds like maybe his found he likes that area stimulated and Is embarrassed. Hence distancing away from you! Try to have a open conversation about it. Maybe once the kids are in bed open a bottle of wine and ease into the chat x
I don’t think this makes him automatically gay . Just cause he likes that . Maybe try it with him . I mean yes there’s a chance he could be gay . But this doesn’t mean he is . And you said you asked him if he was and said he wasn’t . So maybe he’s being truthful. Doesn’t mean he wants a man . Try being open and honest . With him . And not be judge mental. And than maybe you can find out the truth .
I think some people on here offered good advice. Maybe…he’ s embarrassed to ask for things in the bedroom. Either way it might be helpful to both of you to see a counselor. If he is gay…it’s not fair to you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t love one another but may change relationship status a lot
I came here to say stuff but it’s already been said, many times. Sorry you are in a tough spot. No pun intended! Try to have an open mind. Dont be discouraged in yourself. Motherhood and marriage are so hard sometimes. Wishing you the best, and lots and lots of love.
You need to talk to him face to face. Open up about how this distance between you is affecting you. IF he refuses to talk to you, then talk to a professional counselor/therapist ASAP. Get what out what you have to say. Figure out what you want fir yourself then decide how to take are often your kids.
He’s not gay
Some str8 men like it. Buy a strap on… this is a thing alot of str8 married men want to ask their wife to do but can’t cause society says if you like things up ur butt it makes you gay… To make a man gay he’d have to be attracted to a man, if that’s not the case,he’s not gay just likes anal penetration…
Just because he enjoys the anal stimulation, that doesn’t mean he’s gay. He can enjoy the sensation without being attracted to people of the same sex. If you’ve let him know it’s a “deal breaker” that might explain why he’s not willing to talk to you about it. Maybe give him the opportunity to explore the things he enjoys, with you.
LOTS of men like it and it doesn’t have anything to do with being gay most of the time. Just go for it, it will help heal your marriage more than likely.
He could actually be depressed and don’t know it. Automatically labeling him as gay is only pushing him further away. If you were bombarding me with questions I wouldn’t want to be around you. You’re being more of an interrogator than a wife. I think that he’s depressed.
Every guy I’ve ever been with enjoys a little ass play…from…finger massages to full on pegging…which I must say is very empowering to do that to a man…I think some good honest communication with zero judgment. Lots of people are curious about things that used to be considered taboo…ass play is part of mainstream sex these days and it definitely goes both ways. Good luck! I hope that you both get that spark back and really start enjoying sex again…you guys might think about picking out a toy just for him together, even if it is something he only uses privately.
Communication is key, and if he’s hiding stuff from you either he’s embarrassed or feels he can’t trust you. Y’all been together a very long time and he knows you. You can have your own boundaries thoughts and opinions too. Either which way yall both should be happy and feel safe. So just talk it out, no accusations or being overly emotional or judgmental. Just talk.
Just because he has been doing things to his “back door” doesn’t mean he’s gay. I know a lot of straight men who enjoy it but are not gay, it’s technically where their “g spot” is. Maybe he hasn’t mentioned anything about it because he’s afraid of what you might say or think. Try to talk about it.
Honey…the man’s g spot is literally in their butt. This doesn’t mean he’s gay!!! Try being adventurous with him. That spark may be what is needed to keep your relationship alive!
I’m just hear to say if he finds pleasure in anal play it doesn’t make him gay. If he likes sex with other men that would make him gay. Just wanted to clear that up.
Well the male g spot is at the prostate area. Maybe he heard about it or read about it and likes it and is embarrassed. Honey… it time for a conversation. Always trust your gut. He might not be gay, but he’s definitely finding pleasure in that area. If you’re open minded it’s something you could do for or with him. Just talk to him.
That’s perverted, soemthing is obviously not quite right. I would speak to him about it & make it a mission to converse in the subject… he seems to be uncomfortable talking about it cause he knows it’s not normal… normal men don’t do that… in fact they get mad when someone even tries or makes a joke about shoving something up their anus.
It feels good to men, at least he’s comfortable exploring it. Doesn’t make him gay at all. Try playing with him in the bedroom. Give him oral while he does what he likes…
If you fear or think he is gay or bi next time I have him in bed try a little back door action don’t say anything just go for it he will eaither freak out an u can say sorry I just wanted to spice things up a little an give him the opportunity to try something new on you or he will enjoy it. Either way u can’t loose do research
Would you be open to anal play with him? A man’s Gspot is just up his butt a couple few inches. Id introduce toys,if you’re ok with it. I feel inhibitions should fly out the door while having sex.
That’s a pleasure spot for men not necessarily liking men type deal but the way society has painted the picture if men like anything other then “the regular pleasure” they might like the same sex which is completely false
My advice? Throw on a strap-on, and do some pegging and see how he takes it. Seriously! He could be into a phase where taboo stuff turns him on, and he doesn’t feel as if he can talk about it with you. Show him you’re open to other ideas and adventures.
Just cause he likes butt stuff does not mean he’s gay shake that stigma. Maybe he’s not sexually satisfied and doesn’t want to tell you because the judgement jumps to gay. Maybe he wants more
I would bring it up to him that u seen him do stuff to his back door and then ask him if he’s gay but let him know your not judgmental about it. Or offer to help him cuz maybe that’s just a new way to get off. Since the guys g-spot is in their ass. Or try to stick a finger or something in there when u guys have sex next or something or maybe be open about trying to do it in the back door or something, he could be bored of just “regular sex” I do know alot of straight guys that like there ass being eaten or even just to have something up there cuz it makes their orgasm 10x better! I never tried any of this shit but what I have read and heard about it I guess it’s a good time xD
Instead of worrying about what he “is,” maybe ask him what he’s interested in. Maybe he tries things on himself because he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about it/doesn’t think you’d be okay with his interests. He may or may not be interested in guys… I’d keep trying to talk to him as openly as possible.
Does a woman liking clitoral or oral stimulation make her a lesbian? Nope nor does that make him gay, a lot of straight guys enjoy that, some are just as confused or embarrassed by it as you seem to be. Do some reading up on it, speak to him with no judgement and maybe try some new things. Spice it up
I totally agree with the above comments! Most men don’t want to admit that they like that kind of stuff and they think they shouldn’t or it makes them gay. It’s 100% normal for men to like it! And most of the time it’s hard for them to express to a female they do without them thinking oh he might be gay. If you’re into it just try to experiment a little and it may spice some things up for you guys!
Well, in the words of Carina in Grey’s Anatomy, “The prostate is the male g spot.” Just because he likes his prostate stimulated it doesn’t mean he’s gay. It means he discovered that he likes his prostate stimulated.
Dated a guy that was as masculine as they came but enjoyed me fingering his backdoor during oral. Thats where their G -spot is ( near their prostate) and I never thought less of him!
Doesn’t necessarily mean he’s gay. After all, that’s where the male G spot is. It’s understandable if you don’t like it or would never do it to him! A lot of people in relationships absolutely will not do that. But if my partner ever asked id probably do it mainly cause it’s understandable considering they also have needs, along with a gspot, just like we do.
I have several gay friends- male and female who married, had kids and were gay. They divorced and moved on but kept a relationship with their kids but there were plenty of anger issues by some of the kids.Sounds like you could use couples therapy.
I’ll tell you what I tell anyone not being abused. Before you walk please go to couples counseling with DH. That way you know you will have tried everything and you both can work on communication skills b/c you both will need to Coparent your children if you guys decide to move on. Good luck🍀
A lot of men like that kind of pleasure without being attracted to men…it doesn’t make him gay…but because of that stigma most men are embarrassed about it and will hide it…
Come out and ask him straight up . He may just be experimenting . " I feel I don’t need him around or don’t want him around." I think you answered your own question here on whether to stick around or not .
My bf didn’t disclose to me that he likes things “back there” until almost 3 years into our relationship. Lots of men like it but not a lot will admit it or much less talk about it. Maybe he’s just embarrassed that he likes it? I would make sure you guys are alone and try to have a more in depth conversation with him about it.
I’m going to throw in my personal experience with this here. My husband and I have been together over ten years, have two beautiful children together, and I know for a fact that he is very straight. That being said, about 3 years into our relationship, he asked me, very embarrassed, if I would try putting my finger in his back door area. I was a little hesitant at first because I was still a teenager and had no experience with that stuff. I will admit that I had considered that he might be gay as well lol. But it has opened us up together sexually and now we have a very fun sex life! I’ve used my fingers, a sex toy, and, don’t judge, but my mouth and he loves it. And I know he uses stuff on himself when he’s having private time. Men’s g-spot is located there! From mama to mama, I would recommend giving it a go if you’re up for it! He might be feeling embarrassed and worried about what you might think of him, and that might be what’s impacting your sex life. Good luck, mama! And I hope that my story helps you out some!
My husband likes it too. It’s stimulating to them. He is definitely not gay as our sex life is great. He just likes it every now and then. It kicks it up a notch or two!
How did you find that out ? Through a hidden camera and what was he using? Did he finish? There’s a lot to come into play with that. Maybe there’s just not a spark there anymore sexual and he wants to experiment but doesnt know how to do it or what to do
I say set the mood, and show him you’re open to the back door play, if you are of course…how do you know he’s doing that? I’m just saying A LOT of men like exploring that but aren’t gay by a long shot. But it can be incredibly embarrassing and make them feel vulnerable so in my experience, they won’t break the ice with a female about it…unless they ARE gay.
Spice it up. Make it fun for you both. Start with using toys while giving him head. Stuff like that. It could
once you done it once he might not feel so shy lol
Don’t say anything & just do it… Google it 
be open with him and non judgmental or I promise things won’t change
