Is My Marriage Over or Should I Work Through Online infidelity?

QUESTION: Is my marriage over or should I work through online infidelity?

I’m sick that I even have to make this post. It’s so embarrassing, after a certain age you just do not expect certain behavior from your partner but you know, here we are. Over the past couple of days, I have found some unpleasant things on my cell phone. He has a SLIGHT history of this shit before. However, it’s been about 8 years since anything has happened. WE ARE SO HAPPY! We had what I thought was a strong marriage. I felt love every day from him, we have two beautiful kids and spend tons of time (by choice) together. Last night I found out that he has an account on a video dating website, it’s a dirty one, and that he had a dirty “chat” with one girl on there. This happened last year.

However, he has another social media platform that he looks at girls and leaves disturbing comments on these photos of real girls who message him privately. I have no idea where to go from here. Do I actually end my marriage for this? Is it that huge? My heart is broken and I feel just so destroyed but I don’t know that just uprooting my kids and dividing my life is what I want to do. Has anyone has a similar experience? If so we’re you ever able to move on from it? Please don’t be insensitive and just write “get out now” it’s not that easy. I love him still a lot.

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Community Answers

The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.

"I almost did because of this my husband cried and apologized for everything and hasn’t done it since."

"Actions speak louder than words though. If he can do that to you with no guilt, that shows exactly how he truly feels about you. No person deserves that. You may love him, but he doesn’t love you as equally. You can’t keep putting yourself through that. The past 8 years was only happy and strong because you didn’t know what he was doing. No relationship can be the same after what was in the shadows comes out."

"Online cheating is still cheating. Period. Can you live with it? If not can you live w the distrust?"

"Honestly, I went through something similar in 2019 I stayed and am still there working on it every day let’s just say it’s definitely not easy I have not been able. To get the trust back to like it was before we been together since 2006 and I’m trying so so hard he has not really worked on changing too much or even at helping me get the reassurance that I need, some days I see other relationship or even other men showing their partner what I want and it saddens me even more. I've come to the conclusion he’s just not capable of it and some days I wonder if I can live with that. keep your head up is say pray on it but I’m not religious it is hard it’s heart-wrenching only u know how much u can take if u ever need to vent or talk I’m here."

"Communication between you and your husband- what is his intent? Is there a kink he has that maybe he is ashamed of sharing (talking dirty, a 'look', an 'act', etc.)? Can you live with the root of the issue(the kink)? Now that this situation is on the table, how do you (each) see yourself moving forward (staying together, separation, counseling- what are the terms)?"

"Marriage vows just don't seem to resonate with some people. I hope you can overcome this and every struggle you may encounter in the future."

"Love yourself more than you love him. This is a big deal. You’ve already mentally checked out of the relationship. Now, the question is, how much of your soul do you give up and stay for the kids' sake?"

"It sounds like you’ve already decided to stay no matter what, so you have two options: marriage counseling or simply accepting this is just who he is. Best of luck to you."

"It's about more than love. You need trust and respect. Is it worth keeping the family together just to have your children see you sad and put up with the same behavior over and over. Your happiness matters."

"You already made your decision so next step is to figure out why he does it. I'm sure marriage counseling would be helpful too."

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