I’m sick that I even have to make this post. It’s so embarrassing, after a certain age you just do not expect certain behavior from your partner but you know, here we are.
Over the past couple days I have found
some unpleasant things on my cell phone. He has a SLIGHT history of this shit before. However it’s been about 8 years since anything has happened. WE ARE SO HAPPY! We had what I thought was a strong marriage. I felt love everyday from him, we have two beautiful kids and spend tons of time (by choice) together.
Last night I found out that he has an account on a video dating website, it’s a dirty one, and that he had a dirty“chat” with one girl on there. This happened last year. However he has another social media platform that he looks are girls and leaves disturbing comments on these photos of real girl who message him privately.
I have no idea where to go from here.
Do I actually end my marriage for this?
Is it that huge?
My heart is broken and I feel just so destroyed but I don’t know that just uprooting my kids and dividing my life is what I want to do.
Has anyone has a similar experience? If so we’re you ever able to move on from it?
Please don’t be insensitive and just write “get out now” it’s not that easy. I love him still a lot.
How does he treat you? If he still acts loving and affectionate towards you then consider talking to him about it or just ignoring it, if he still cares about you then he may just be playing with fantasy, but if he is cold and unloving to you then he may want out of the relationship.
Is this all a year old? Has any of this been more recent?
But anyways you are completely valid in your feelings. I don’t think the answer is leaving though. It sounds more like a porn addiction which is super hurtful to you don’t get me wrong but if he wants this family you guys have created he needs to change and not be shady. People have come back through worse. Don’t loose hope. Communication, rebuilding trust and maybe even some counseling will help. Prayers to you. I know this isn’t easy
I am going through kind of the same thing my husband of 16 years total od 22 years. He met a woman playing a game. And after 2 years I found he still plays with her. She is in a different country but they face timed. Among a few other things. I have lost all trust. I don’t love him the same. I know I need counciling. It may help you too. I’m sorry I know how much it hurts.
Don’t uproot your marriage just yet. Sit with him and tell him what you found. Ask him about it, don’t demean him. Ask him if he feels he is missing something in the relationship or if there’s something you both could be doing to add more spark to the relationship if he’s feeling stagnant.
What it will boil down to is what you can forgive and what he is willing to do to change.
Do you end a marriage for dishonesty? Yes.
Do YOU need to? No but only you know that.
I view online infidelity as infidelity. Period. I would not be able to forget, even if I could forgive so for me it would be over. Doesn’t mean it’s right; just know myself.
Its definitely a tough situation is he meeting up with these ladies? If its jus something he does online talk to him about some counseling because it could be a deep rooted sexual addiction, however if he is meeting up with them I’d leave cause that’s foul
He sounds like a creep. He may treat you right but the way he treats other women is just down right disgusting. I would have ended it after the first time. I was with my ex and father of my two kids for seven years and ended it over cheating and drug use. It’s never easy at first but trust me it gets better.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Don’t settle for less. He clearly has no respect for you. You deserve to be happy. Don’t settle for a life of misery because of him.
My heart hurts for you. Moving forward is entirely up to the work he is willing to put in from this point on as well as your ability to be able to trust him. I do think couples can overcome obstacles as such, but it takes a lot of consistent work, patience and understanding from both parties. I would definitely recommend you both seek marriage counseling as well as tell him exactly how you feel and maybe reiterating if the tables were turned so he truly can fathom the extent of this from an empathetic standpoint. If the trust cannot be regained, then I would say it is time to at least walk away to figure things out, maybe not permanently, but sometimes we don’t know what we have until it’s gone. Good luck mama:white_heart:
First, I would talk to him about how this makes you feel. Then I would try an get some counseling, both together and individually. That helped my husband and I totally change how we looked at our marriage when he had an affair.
Unfourtuanately its a heart issue and and the best way to fight sex addiction is jesus and knowing what sex is suppose to mean and feel like not lust good luck
It’s a fantasy he has, maybe he fantasize been really dirty in the bedroom ask him about it be open with him offer to do what he’s seeking online with you, but sometimes it could be addiction/obsession so before you jump the gun try understanding his mind
This is huge. And you need to confront him to talk. Sounds like your marriage is totally salvageable though, but you might need some sort of therapy. Hang in there.
It depends on what kind of boundaries have been set in your relationship. In my relationship, that’d definitely be considered cheating. Have you confronted him?
My ex husband did this kind of stuff constantly it destroyed my trust in him and confidence honestly and he never changed, matter of fact he found another woman and wanted to be poly, so I left him we had 2 young kids and had 3 others we had raised, I still left and I thought our life was going great until he came in demanding another woman If he’s done it on past he will keep on, do what you need for peace because if its a boundary for you, your partner should respect that and see the damage it can cause.
Talk to him, he may just be feeling bored an see it as a way to make him fill the boredom… Things may have just gotten to that point where its platoed, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you an isn’t happy he could just be looking for the satisfaction of wanting to feel good, especially if things are so busy at home, maybe he has fantasies he’s afraid to talk to you about cause he fears you may not be open to that… So best advice talk to him
Only you know the real answer. It could be deal breaker…had a past of doing it, did you talk then?? Did he say he would stop? He didn’t stop and you’re still “wondering” if you should leave. Know what you are willing to accept. You’re teaching him how to treat you. Is this how you want to be treated?? How long before he takes it to the street. Idk… I hope you know you are worth more. Make him step up or step out!!!
It’s been happening all along, you just haven’t caught him in the past 8 years. I lived this exact scenario for 23 years, it finally went to real in person encounters. It was like living with 2 different people because he was always loving and kind to me but always the dark nasty, filthy crap behind the scenes. I finally left because he never could fulfill his promises to stop. You have to decide what’s right for you.
You say it is not that easy to leave. When does it get easy? When he has a kid with another woman? When he brings you an STD? When his side chick gets violent?
My ex had a sexual history like that and he ended up molesting my daughter don’t take this lightly at all. He clearly has some sexual problems he needs to work through that have nothing to do with you. I’d walk
See this is problem with social media it’s too easy for blokes who get bored to go on these , I think it’s a major problem in today’s society no one can get by ! Cheating is soooi easy on here , no confidence needed !
It’s hard to accept that someone reaches outside the relationship for any purpose. Whether it’s validation, attention, desire fulfillment or just fun, it is detrimental to their partner and their relationship. When there is a history, it shows a lack of consideration for the other person in the relationship and clearly breeches the boundaries set out in a relationship.
If you choose to stay, it will kill you inside. You will constantly wonder, ask yourself why, and have doubt that they are changing or being faithful to you. If you choose to leave, it will hurt…Like hell! But it will give you time to heal, and give him a consequence for his actions.
Continuing to forgive the same behavior sets the bar of expectations low and makes him think “I can do what I want, she isnt going anywhere”.
The decision is solely yours, and although you’re asking for help, nobody can tell you what your relationship will be like after this and whether you can recover the lost trust.
A great option would be to seek therapy together and have a third party assistant help you two to overcome the struggles and understand the reason for these behaviors and what’s lacking/missing in the relationship as well as help you to save it if you feel it’s worth saving.
You have two kids that you are still raising. You are the role model for them. If your children came to you with this problem what would be your advice for them?
I feel like basically you have to figure out if you want to put in the time and effort of starting your life over or putting in the time and effort to forgive him with the (huge) chance of this behavior repeating as you’ve stated it already has. Do you really want to be with someone that treats others in this manner? Do you want your kids growing up thinking that’s it’s ok??? The choice is yours.
Start by bringing sexy back in the bedroom. Use what you found and use it on him. Flatter him, talks sexy, most men love visuals so let him look at you in lingerie or birthday suit.
He has no respect for you… If you are willing to try y’all need to sit and talk or go to counseling. But if he won’t stop you know what needs to be done.
I read some of the other comments. Maybe because I am older, but I can’t see where his being on these sites is hurting your marriage. You said yourself that you spend a lot of time together doing family things. I think this might just be a guy thing and if the internet were not available he would probably be watching x-rated videos. That was the thing in my day and I even watched them with my husband.
He has been doing this behind your back since the beginning of time. He might stop for a while. Things will go back to normal and eventually he will be back at it again. Stay if you can live with that. If you can’t, create an exit plan. Save money, pay off bills, slowly divide belongings, protect things that have sentimental value you to you. Look up narcissistic behaviors.
Me? I’d be gone. You? Since you are so torn, maybe talk to him first. See what’s going on. I adore my husband, but love isn’t enough when you are unhappy. Maybe try therapy. If hes not willing, then it may be time to end it. This is a hard one mama.
You love him still but will you trust him ? If not I’m not sure how satisfied you’ll feel in the future. Maybe try couples counseling. Cuz all the internet folks will tell you is move on cuz most times where’s there’s smoke there’s fire.
Unfortunately it’s never going to stop. It might for a year or two and then he will just start getting better at hiding it. Deleting history, deleting the apps and downloading them to use them, etc. just ask yourself is it worth it to question everything he does for the rest of your life. Maybe seek counseling. If he refuses then go for yourself. Maybe that will help you walk away when the time comes.
I would seek a couples therapist and a sexologist to delve into things, see if you both want to make that effort… he might be into some things he hasn’t felt comfortable sharing with you which is where the sexologist comes into play. But infidelity is huge, and he’s gone about things in a very wrong way. Love shouldn’t hurt! There’s many out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, should you decide to leave… heal… etc… Also, we model relationships to our children, so model happy healthy functional ones. Take care.
Have you told him how you felt when does these things? If he knows your not okay with these things he’s doing behind your back and you have explained how you felt many times then he doesn’t respect your wishes or you it’s not worth staying with someone like that when they don’t stop doing these things I would consider this cheating you don’t have to just sleep with someone to cheat there is other ways as well.
I would insist on couples counselling, because there has been both a breach of communication and a breach of trust somewhere along the line and you two need to get it sorted out.
Do everything you can in as far as you feel even remotely comfortable doing.
But, as much as you may not want to hear it, you need to be prepared for the POSSIBILITY that this ends up being something that you two cannot work out and be ready for the POSSIBILITY that you might have to leave, be it for a time to teach him a major lesson or be it for good for yours and your kids well beings and even if it is remotely and part time, get a job, open a banking account just for you, get a phone and a vehicle in YOUR name, even if it is a used one that you paid for outright and your own insurance, start getting ahold of family and friends to start setting up a TENTATIVE plan for leaving so you and the kids have a place to go so you do not find yourself up a creek without a paddle not when, but IF shit hits the fan.
I hope you both can work things out.
But you will both NEED professional help to even have a chance to do so.
Take the chance, but take it with some degree of intelligence.
If nothing else, having these things in place will still be good, not just in case he loses HIS job, but if he finds himself injured in a way to where he CANNOT work for a time or even dead.
He has no respect for you at all if hes done it especially more then once!!! Time to leave and move on be better for you and the kids. No point in trying when its repeated behavior it will never change. Let him be someone else problem.
Hes basically cheating on you by messaging these girls.
Not saying this to sound or to be insensitive, but if you feel destroyed, honey, you’ll never gain that trust back. It’s time to end things. If what he did is not tolerable, it’s time to discuss divorce.
I totally get what you mean when you say “don’t say get out now.” Because starting over costs money, time and a ton of heart break. However, it’s unacceptable of him to be doing this to you. You absolutely confront him and find out why he’s doing this. Is he bored? Did he fall out of love? If he’s done this before- I’m sorry to say, he’s probably been doing it for awhile. Stand up for yourself. Me personally, I’d leave. It’s worth leaving since he’s done it before and has had no plan to stop. That feeling of hurt is actually mentally and physically destroying your health. And you deserve better. Staying with him just lets him know you’re enabling him. Best of luck.
Been there. Tried forgive but yes trust was gone & I put myself through 3 more years of torture trying make it work. It didn’t. I’d confront him first tho see what his reaction is like. He does sound very narcissistic tho sorry
It’s all about whether you can live with it,or not. I wouldn’t do anything right away,but you need to be preparing yourself to,because it’s only going to continue to eat at you,you’ll never trust him again
I’m so sorry… I personally wouldn’t be able to move past that
If you think you guys can work through it then you should always try… But this will keep happening so it just depends on if you can get past the fact he’s on there doing this or not. Sending you lots of love and strength
I think some people are just not the monogamous type. They can live happily with one person in a happy marriage, but it won’t be enough at the end of the day. They need sexual adventure that comes from outside. It’s sad, but true. Once someone has displayed these truths about themselves, you have to ask yourself “can I be happy if he is only doing it online but still loves me and cares for our family and home?” And if the answer is no, you have your decision. If you can compromise with him, then there’s a chance to make it work. It’s a sad unfortunate truth, but a fact I have encountered nonetheless. I hope you find your happy in whatever you do
First, confront and discuss the situation. Hold your position because people tend to act out of character when being called out on stuff. Next ask for counseling. If you want to make it work (and it seems you really do) therapy for both of you separately and together is going to be the only thing that can help y’all come back from this. And if that doesn’t work at least you have therapy to help you process leaving it it were to come to that. I have been there and my heart breaks for you. I am sending love and strength to you.
Porn is porn.
A relationship is a relationship.
Is he going to see her or just on line.
Maybe ask him why he wants to perve.
And maybe ask about things he might be curious about. And things you are curious about too.
Look at it as a way to find out why.
Not condensing…
In life we all because curious.
And the web allows us to check out things out in private home.
Not going to tell you to leave. You only know how you feel. Trust is the foundation of a marriage. You already don’t have that. You are looking through things to find if he is doing wrong. You keep finding those things. Slowly your foundation is crumbling. You have nothing left but heartache. I’m not telling you to seek counseling because my believe is if you have to have counseling the marriage is already over. A counselor can only go by what you tell him. And you will most likely find your husband doing this again since he has a history already. Do some soul searching and do what’s best for you and your kids.
Sorry to hear you are dealing with this as I have been in a similar situation…2 chances and a major move to start over and it never changed…I had to leave for my own sanity…yes we went to counseling but he couldn’t see where what he was doing was threatening my trust for him. Hung in there until I could leave, slept in separate rooms and because he wouldn’t go I had to…shared custody and we are both remarried. You have to decide if you should leave or stay. I felt so disrespected so I had to do what was right for me. Good luck.
Everybody handles their kitchen heat differently… u know how much of what u can tolerate… Cheating is so wrong… I doh know what ppl get in it… it’s time consuming having to hide and lie… Do what ur mind tells u not ur heart… heart does get soft on love and we end up staying in toxicity…
He probably does love you and your kids. You aren’t the one with the poor self esteem. It’s him. He needs to feel like big man on campus. He has issues not you. And yes it will probably continue. Just know it isn’t you. He’s the sick minded one. If you can live with him knowing what you know then that’s OK. If you decide you can’t I wish you the best.
Same here just text message sending videos don’t know how to see what really going on but been caught before says just looking !lies about it or gets angry and I’m crazy so we shall see in time🤷♂️
Ask yourself can you live with and love him the same after knowing this. Can you actually trust him if you confront him about it and he says I’ll stop. Can you live with what he has done everyday and not feel resentment towards him… I couldn’t Soni packed up and left. My kids were not gonna grow up watching me be hurt and disrespected like that. They are not gonna grow up thinking that kind of behavior is ok. Only you can decide. I’d do some serious thinking hun
Guys like this are usually the ones who are waiting on the chance to jump on it. I would say bye bye and find someone who will respect me and not do this kind of stuff behind my back
I dont agree with him doing it behind your back its wrong! But maybe he needs some spice in his love life? People change over the years maybe try experimenting with him watch porn role play etc. Maybe he wants a dirty girl to escape from the husband dad day to day routine. I dont think he doesn’t love you since you say you feel love from him daily if he was checked out you wouldn’t be even noticed!
Approach him ask him what it truly is making him do it and tell him your bored and ready for adventure too!
The fact that your asking on here I think you already know that he isn’t respecting you and it’s a form of cheating sorry it is cheating video calling dirty etc. I wouldn’t let a man degrade me like this. You are worth so much more. How would he feel If you were doing that?? Me personally I’d leave. It’s not worth all the heartache.
So my fiance is a recovering alcoholic. I did leave him for a few months. My thought process before that was can I live with this? Can I trust him? And if I do chose to live like that, I can’t keep getting mad about it either.
And I realized I couldn’t. That MY mental health couldn’t handle it any longer. And if my mental ans emotional health couldn’t handle it, it would show to my kids. He did do a year long program of outpatient rehab and has been sober since.
But that was my biggest thought was myself, in all honestly. Because if I wasn’t happy, my kids wouldn’t be either.
You deserve way better. You can never trust someone who goes behind your back like that. Sorry but to me that’s cheating. You AND your kids deserve way better. Very sad, but I would definitely leave. You’ll always have doubts if you stay with someone like that and it’s not fair to you. He is totally disrespecting you. You deserve true love and he clearly doesn’t feel the same. Good luck.
I don’t think you should get out. I do think that you should recognize that he ‘needs’ something. Sex is important. If he needs ‘dirty’, then talk to him about it. Having said that, you also have a right to be hurt. And you are. Talk to him. If he won’t communicate, then maybe your relationship isn’t going to make it. I think he will. Love is a powerful motivator. Sending hugs to you x
Try to work through it, consider it an illness or a mental health issue that requires therapy. It’ll be hard, especially with the loss of trust. He has to put in the work though too.
If he hasn’t met up with these girls, maybe he has a sexual fetish of extreme dirty talk. Create a anonymous site and talk down and dirty to him, see where it leads, then you have your answer, but you have every reason to be pissed.
there would be no trust after that.
If he’s done it on past he will keep on, do what you need for peace because if its a boundary for you, your partner should respect that and see the damage it can cause.
girl i am going through something similar this is a tough situation .
