So you want to pick and choose what parts of married life you want back, you want the financial side, him to provide for you, you want him to help out round the house and with the kids yet when it comes to sex you’re still grieving for something?? So basically you’re not 100% back into the relationship, only back for the financial side and help. How is him touching himself cheating for goodness sake? And what do you expect if your refusing sex… Sounds like he wants all in but you only want 80% in.
Definitely not. Sometimes they have needs and if we can’t meet them then they have to meet them themselves. As long as he is turning to a device and not another person then it is okay in my book. I personally couldn’t date someone that didn’t want to have any sexual interaction. I also couldn’t go back and forth with the same man because eventually you have to realize things can’t always be mended no matter how hard you want it to go back together and be as good as new. I’d look into childcare for special needs children (or adults depending on age of son) and go back to work. It is not just a man’s job to provide just as it is not just a woman’s job to cook, clean, and care for children. You’re both fully capable of sharing those responsibilities. I feel that you’re looking to nitpick and looking for a reason to end it fully but you feel that you need him and need it to work.
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No you shouldn’t confront him you should definitely leave though! 7 times seriously lady and that’s the ones you know about get rid of him
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You sound like a fucking nightmare wrapped in resentment. Let your individual therapist know youre ready to resolve your codependency and control issues. Next time pick someone who meets your standards.
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I’d throw that one out. Don’t put up with that crap, breadwinner or not he helped create those kids. So he needs to help out period. Sounds like you deserve a better husband. I’d be getting my ducks in a row. It’s not cheating though lol
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Let him have his porn and masturbation, he is probably doing you a favour
Might be time for a new plan…?
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Leave… too much water. Co parent only I’m with you 100% on the cheating he is wrong there but you chose to take him back. You won’t put out as you said your withholding sex but you won’t let him get a release from porn. You can’t have it both ways hun
U dont give it, he will get it. Is.this why he strayed? Yes he should help but ur job is at home and his is at work, u don’t help him at his job, do u? Make him help with bathing and feeding but with holding sex from a man does nothing but get u replaced
If you never finished grieving the previous incidents, you shouldn’t have even let him come back.
You weren’t ready.
He assumes sex is on the table because it was probably never discussed with him that you weren’t there yet mentally or emotionally.
Now, the badgering you is not ok. And personally if he’s not helping out around the house even a little and is being a dick, I wouldn’t even consider it even if the process of dealing with the previous issues was over.
Masturbation though, isn’t cheating. Just like you, he clearly has sexual needs that aren’t being met.
But he can’t be badgering you into it, that’s not ok.
Mastsebation is not cheating unless he’s talking to someone else while doing so. Would you rather him pleasure himself or another woman? If you’re not making love to your husband, then yes, he is going to have to relieve himself. Cut him some slack. It sounds like to me. IMO, you already have one foot out the door. You had gotten used to him not being there and preferred that way better. Either let him relieve himself (without cheating) or tell him you can’t do this anymore and let him go. Sorry, yall are going through this, and I hope things get better!
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Heck no I love to watch it
Most men do that. If you hold out for a man that doesnt you will prob be let down. I wasnt sure about when i was younger either. Men who are with supermodels look at porn too. Its really not a big deal. He shouldnt be trying to make you feel bad about sex tho, kids take it outta you i know sis.
You’re going to have to decide what you want to do. Do you want to have a marriage or a roommate? If you don’t want to have sex, he’s going to get it somehow. Men are like that. He’s either going to cheat with someone else or masturbate and watch adult videos. Either way he’s not bothering you. What do you want? Either you want in the marriage, with all of it’s faults, which you know and don’t like, or you want to find a way to move on and not be bothered for sex. I know you’re tired. Taking care of two special needs kids is a big job. This guy is not going to help you. He’s already proved that. A lot of men who are sole bread winners feel like he does. You don’t work outside the home, the home is your baby whether it’s responsibilities are more draining than a job outside the home or not. It’s not fair, I know. It never has been. It just IS. You kinda have to pick your battles. I know I sound awful. I don’t mean to. I just see what you’re up against. Pick what you want to do. Try to find resources to help you if you decide to go it alone. Try calling 211. See what they say. Good luck.
If he’s watching porn,either you don’t turn him on,or he’s getting primed up watching other women,either way it’s not a good thing,just my opinion
I think you need to break up again. However, I don’t think porn or masturbating is cheating.
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No porn isn’t cheating if u are being prude and with holding sex he has every right to do it him self. The cheating before was it with other ppl or his hand bc if it was with with him self THAT IS NOT CHEATING!!
Not cheating but disrespectful
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If he’s watching porn and has a history of cheating along with knowing your boundaries of that not being okay to you - that certainly is cheating. It’s also downright disrespectful when boundaries have been established. I would have a conversation with him informing him that with you guys supposed to be working on your marriage and him coming back home entails him to continue helping around the house and the children that you both made together. As far as you “withholding sex”, he needs to understand that the fact that he cheated on you numerous times AND crossing a boundary with the porn isn’t going to make you want to even have intercourse. It might take some time and that’s okay. Have you both went to couples counseling? I’m wondering if maybe that can help with the marriage aspect along with helping you both work through the cheating that he had done. You should sit down and have a conversation with him about how you are feeling definitely!
Throw him back out of your house
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I love watching it! Have some up on my phone right now in my incognito tab.
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I think it’s rude and disrespectful.
This. Guy. Is. a. Misogynistic ahole. He. Can’t. Be. Bothered. Helping. Around the. House. Just. Cause. He’s. The. Breadwinner?? Masterbate. Girl. No. Shame. In. Satisfaction
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I would rather my partner watch porn and master ate than cheat…I don’t like porn myself but as long as it’s only his hand on it and it’s not porn by the so called girl next door. I mean reL star porn that I think that’s fine
What’s with on/ off relationship crap if it didn’t work out the first time it won’t work out the second or third,
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I mean it’s not cheating but still…he sounds like a complete loser. I’d rather be alone personally.
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Cheating is anything that makes you feel betrayed but at the same time you have to communicate that with your spouse. Initially with my current so porn was not cheating. We have a very busy life and I believed that it would be fine for either of us to do that and later we both changed our mind and discussed it as a result. We decided that for us it made it seem like we were taking away from each other to watch strangers have sex. We go through “dry spells” but we made a commitment that we wouldn’t watch porn because it does make both of us feel bad. We also don’t allow each other to talk to strangers of the opposite sex or people that we’ve had sex with in the past. Again all things that make us feel bad and disrespected. So cheating is whatever you decide is cheating. However you can’t hold him accountable if you don’t tell him this makes you feel bad and you don’t want him to do it. I would explain that because of his past decision to go outside of your marriage that it makes you feel less than and you feel like he’s cheating. If he loves you and wants to really make it work he will consider your feelings and come to a compromise with you.
Well my opinion is pick your battles
What would you rather him be doing? Using porn or going out and actually cheating by getting it elsewhere
Tbh I wouldn’t like it either but I would forgive masterbating to porn alot more easily than I would actually going out and getting it elsewhere tbh
But each to there own
And I would also be the one to want sex atleast twice a week if not more and
Show you man some love jeez am sorry but BOTH of you seem like you don’t appreciate or truelly love eachother as there should be love trust comunacation and effection from both sides not just one
Yes confront him. Confront him on the fact hed rather be wacking it instead of being an active member of the family. As of the sex. You are not obligated to give him any… But i can say it takes two to make it work…if youre still harboring old feelings enough to where its affecting yall presently… You need to work through that. Masturbation is not a form of cheating. Everyone has needs so i dont blame him. He may need that release.
Yes it is a form of cheating and being very disrespectful. He will never change. Bye Bye. Find a real man.
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To me, this is how I reading it.
You there because he works and you don’t, and don’t wanna work, you wanna be there for you babies. Get that but if you not happy why stay.
And so he can’t get sex from you, so what else is he supposed to do??? Cheat again??? He body his choice, can’t be mad what does his body.
Housework is your duties but helping with kids is both. He help make them, he can help with them. He can’t then why stay. I couldn’t be with my hubs if he didn’t help with his kids.
I’ll pray for you hun!
Not cheating. However, he sounds like you need to just let that one go. Also, if one cheats they will always cheat. Promise.
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He already told you so no, you shouldn’t confront him. Tell him exactly what you need, no hints, no clues, just spell it out. He won’t know if you don’t say it. Tell him in order to feel romantic towards him you need to see that he’s an active partner in this relationship and you need some help every day. Then give him a chance to show you that. But, withholding sex isn’t right either, that’s probably what makes him feel loved and without feeling loved and important he’s less likely to give you what you need as well. But, no it’s not cheating, that’s ridiculous, people have needs.
If u don’t agree with it, and it’s done behind your back. It’s cheating
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HELLO red flags… I’d run girl!!
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Id get yourself a new man that appreciates you and helps you around the house. But your question, masturbation and porn is not cheating.
Why can’t he help is women out around the house,once that’s done make and effort to wana please his women and they can’t both enjoy pleasure with each other…its not just only the women job to maintain the domestic duties,it should be a team effort,regardless if you the provider or not…if he needs to look at other women to arouse himself he’s definitely not it to the women he’s at home with
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Masturbation is not cheating, it’s a perfectly natural thing. At least hes just masturbating and not actually out cheating.
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Omg NO. Watching TV and jerking off are NOT in any way shape or form cheating. Now that’s out of the way, I don’t think this relationship stands a chance. He’ll cheat again. And again and again… and he will justify it by blaming you for not putting out, which you’re not, because you’re still hurt from his past infidelity. And I don’t blame you. But… Sexless relationships don’t stand a chance either. And do YOU really want to be in one? You need more than that. He sounds like an asshat. Get rid of him, get some assistance, get a JOB, and raise those babies.
AND NO MORE BABIES WITH HIM.
He’s a self centered tool for not helping you. He’s a self centered tool for not doing half the child care.
He’s not cheating for watching porn. If you don’t want to have sex, I don’t blame you. It isn’t the 1940’s. You aren’t property and you aren’t obligated to do anything like that. And why would you want to when you’re treated like a nanny and a maid? Being treated that way doesn’t get anyone hot under the collar.
However… Watching porn and masturbating is absolutely not cheating.
This dude is a tool… he needs to man up and help and contribute. But watching adult films is fine.
How about you going through his phone and tablet, there’s always three sides to a story…yours his and the truth!!
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Its a form of cheating if he is being turn on from looking at other women,it only leads to cheating eventually its clear he’s not into her,he should just leave and allow her to meet a man that will show interest in her
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Hmmm I don’t consider that cheating. But you obviously weren’t happy with him before why would you try again?? Sounds like your raising 4 kids.
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Leave him. No one has the right to badger you in regards to sex. No one has a right to try and manipulate you into anything.
Personally I don’t think porn is cheating but everyone’s different and you and partner determine what is right for yalls relationship. If he isn’t helping with what the kids NEED rather than just simply being there he isn’t really there anyways. That’s how my dad was/is and ultimately kids notice and for me it hurts like hell.
Obviously we all handle things differently but I have 7 siblings and everyone of us have some type of mental/behavioral issue from our parents. A lot from them being right in front of us but still absent in every other way.
WTH? get a divorce hell have to support the kids n youll be free of all the drama ----LOVE IS COLD AS ASHES AFTER THE FIRE IS GONE sounds like you wouldnt be missing anything if hed leave
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Give it up so he don’t have to look at porn
You let him come back because you need his paycheck. Yeah babe come home but mmmmm no sex oh and don’t take care of your own needs . Just gonna need ya to work all day to pay my bills, come home and clean my house but no nookie . Yeah , ah that’s a big fat NO !!!
WTF? You tell him that you have no interest in being intimate with him and now you’re upset that he’s going to masturbate? Good lord, woman, what else do you expect him to do? Take a vow of celibacy? Should he help with the basics? Absolutely. Should he abstain from any kind of sexual release just because you aren’t in the mood? No. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. Especially if it keeps him at home and not finding sex elsewhere. You are withholding sex. Honestly, you should have gotten your grieving over his cheating out of your system before you allowed him back into your home. At this point, cut your losses. File for divorce. It’s obvious the two of you are not meant for each other.
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He’s not out with another woman. He pleasures his self. Tell him go for it if it makes him happy. You have same options.
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We do both of those together so personally I don’t consider that cheating. 
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Ok. ALL of what you said should have been discussed before him moving back. Your main problem is communication. Maybe that’s why y’all have been off and on for 6 years.
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What do you expect him to do? I agree with helping around the house. Not sure why you are trying again with him.
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Really? You withhold sex,but then get mad when he needs to masturbate? If don’t feel like having sex yet,then let him take care of himself. When do have sex… use birth control and condom together if dont want more kids.
B…If he works full time…doesnt have to help with housework or kids. However…he does needs to interact with you and the kids on off days. Play with kids,spend some time with you…at least at night in bed talking or something…small things. Having worked 12 hours a day,six days a week jobs…you dont feel like coming home and taking care of kids or cleaning if spouse is SAHM. Tried it with my husband…had to reverse roles bc he sucks at cleaning house while im working plus would toss our daughter off on me right when got home from work. Didnt appreciate it after busting tail all day with barely any time off. Your man probably feels the same way.
Doing himself is one thing, I don’t consider that cheating. It’s his body. Now actual cheating would have been a hard limit and he’d been gone. Not to return. Porn doesn’t bother me but that should have been discussed a long time ago.
I don’t see it as cheating but i know a lot of women do. You can confront him but don’t expect a good response. Its just porn
Girl. YOU DESERVE BETTER. DON’T PUT YOURSELF THRU THIS. He’s a pig!
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Its not cheating but it is abusive that he’s not helpful to you or the children and is separating himself to pleasure himself while you’re doing mothering duties. He actually sounds like he needs sex therapy. However my thought is … why are you back together with him if you’re not sexually attracted to him ? Convenience for the children and you is not a good reason to bring him back into your home. Perhaps under a better understanding that this is a friendship and coparenting situation and not actually a relationship. It does sound like you both forgot that it is an option and not a requirement to be in a relationship. It sounds like you both need to let go of those strings and decide what this situation actually Is. Check with your community and there are options for you to get help with special needs children in the home and activities, you need to take time for yourself and also live an independent life from being a mother or you’ll be consumed by it and either have regrets or resentments. If he wants this to actually be a "relationship " then get ot all out on the table what you’re expecting and what you’re willing to offer , if it doesn’t match up with what he’s wanting then you know this is a coparenting agreement only.
Well for one thing you should have never let him back in. Once cheated on you will always be cheated on. Let him masturbate all he wants. If he’s not helping out now he never will. You should be able to get some kind of services for your children to help you out.
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I’ve really never thought of watching porn and masturbating cheating…. The amount of women that think that’s cheating amazes me. Do women not also do that? Because I do… or is it just okay for us to do it and not them?!
You lost me at he cheated several times and you still took him back NEXT
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I dont see it as cheating at all, however he sounds like a total douche and i believe you can do a hell of a lot better than him. I say get rid of him and do you girl 
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Then why take him back
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Imagine trying to dictate what someone could do to their own body 
yikes.
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I would expect him to cheat again if I were in your situation and not giving him any. Why even allow him back in? You’re not fixing any problems by acting this way. Let the man get himself off. Who cares.
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Two special needs kids a jackass for a father and what part of that scenario says “hey we need an infant”. Then you move him back in? You are your own worse enemy. Masterbation is not cheating. Porn is self-serving and leads to discontent. You would benefit from counseling.
Be sure your on birth control if he stays. You have your hands full now without his help. He either starts helping or out he goes. One less person to take care of.
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What doesn’t work the first time usually never works a second or third time
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No watching is not cheating to me. i don’t care if my fiance plays with himself… at least he isn’t in bed with another girl. Some men don’t just jump in and help out in the house, or with the kids. You have to nicely ask them for help. Mine is gone almost the entire month with work. When he is home i don’t expect him to do things around the house. But if i need help all i have to do is ask him.
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Wow so many things wrong and red flags. You really need to get rid of him not just for your sake but for ur children.
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So you don’t want to have sex with him, but you also don’t want him taking care of himself either?
Move on and live your life this sounds like it will never be good for any involved
Firstly, him touching himself is the least of your problems. Kick him out again. I understand he’s the “bread winner” but he’s their parent as well. There are so many issues I don’t think you’re focusing on. People are allowed to touch themselves. It’s their body you have no right to be upset about that. Especially, if you don’t want to have sex. Which is your right because it’s your body. Again, there is a bigger problem there then that. He needs to help you with the house and your kids. You guys need to mentally care for each other not just physical.
You two are not on the same page, probably shouldn’t be in any type relationship for any reason. This sounds like some sort of deranged chess game, where the two of you are trying to one up each other. If he’s only there to pay the bills and gets no spousal benefits, I personally, say he should move on because using sex as a reward for helping with household chores just makes him your "John ". He’s a man with sexual desires and you don’t get to control that, you can be an active participant or you can resent his means of “handling it”.
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Ma’am if you touch your own body it is not cheating. If he’s only been back 3 weeks and yas aren’t getting along already call it quits. Move on with your life.
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Just do it all by yourself and he can pay child support or alimony. Make him leave and don’t look back
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If you’re not giving it to him you expect him to just be ok? I don’t get it? If you don’t want to have sex with him then self pleasuring is the only thing a person can do.
If you don’t want him to masturbate then make love to him. You are going to drive him to cheat again. How long do you plan to punish him and “grieve”? You wanted him back, he’s home now, so act like you’re happy about it and quit pouting
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If it didn’t work first time probably won’t the second time move on kick him out
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Lol it’s not cheating and your to busy not please your man they have needs what do you expect have u talked to your husband bout this least to work things out instead of being upset!!
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I think it’s just over…no cheating…just over
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Telling him he can’t masturbate is like telling you that you have to have sex with him. You are still your own people and can make your own decisions about what you want to do with your bodies. You do not own each other.
As for cheating, he will always cheat. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I was married to a man who made more than me, worked less, paid for less, wouldn’t help with any chores, cheated, drank, abused me. Listen, they will tell you over and over they will do the things and then they don’t. Beleive that. Get the divorce, get the alimony. Get the proof he’s cheating so you can get the alimony. Be by yourself if you can’t find a man who actually acts right. Just saying.
I’d rather be alone and figure it out myself every day then deal with that.
I do not think masterbating or porn is “cheating.” Yes, It doesn’t always make me feel the greatest. But like everyone has stated. He has needs. If you aren’t willing to meet them. He will.
I mean def not cheating but dude does sound horrid, boot him for the shut behavior not the touching
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Ok question is was the cheating or was it Masturbation that made you guys split the last time. No Masturbation is not cheating it is normal to do. Have you talked to him about helping around the house.
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You either need to let go of the past and give your current situation an honest go. Or you need to leave. But looking back while trying to move forward will never get you the result you’re looking for!
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I seen he cheated in the past, i understand how that can turn you off and not want to have sex at all but how long ago was it? If it was over a year ago he should’ve proven himself he wouldn’t do it again by this time and you should be somewhat over it and able to have sex, i know you can never forget and get over your partner cheating, that’ll always be there but you seem to not be over it, therefore he hasn’t done anything to get your forgiveness and trust back so your best thing to do is leave him if that’s the case because why be with someone you can’t trust or someone who doesn’t care to regain that back? Means he will just do it again.
Also if you aren’t sexually active with him then you have no choice but to let him watch porn, at least he doesn’t do it infront of you.
Watching isn’t cheating but also he doesn’t appreciate or help you and looks like he just wants you for sex
And !!! why did you go back into an unhealthy situation, you need to be more in tune with your and the children’s needs. Beside’s I wouldn’t want somebody like that around my little ones. Your choice
It sounds like your guys problems run deeper than him just watching porn. Having children in general is a responsibility both partners in the relationship should carry. It doesn’t sound like he’s pulling his weight around the house which already causes resentment.
My husband and I personally both enjoy our “alone time” to us,masterbation is a part of human nature just as orgasms are. There are times I hand him his phone and tell him to leave me alone but every relationship is different.
To be honest with you, if my husband ever cheated on me I would never allow him back in my life. That pain, that hurt of wondering why I wasn’t enough? I’ll be damned if I let someone make me feel that way.
I hope you aren’t settling because you need help with your kids, which it doesn’t sound like he helps with anyways.
All I can say is you’re are worthy of whatever you think is best for you and your children. Masterbating isn’t just a habit that can be dropped. If it hurts you, excuse it from your life.
Best of luck to you mama!
You don’t owe anyone your body. It is yours and if you don’t feel comfortable sharing it, right now or ever then that is okay. Also, if you aren’t comfortable with his sexual stuff and consider it cheating (especially given his past cheating) then that is also okay. It sounds like the two of you aren’t compatible and unless someone is willing to do something majorly different then this isn’t going to work
Edit: I don’t consider masturbation cheating. My husband doesn’t by his own choice but I wouldn’t be offended if he did unless it was taking away from me. Porn I don’t care for because I’d rather he not be thinking about other people.
Confront him? No. Kick him to the curb AGAIN! Nothing has changed and the kids will get hurt again!
Badgering you for sex is not love.
With that said, nothing wrong with self pleasure. Give it a shot, never know YOU maybe help get your sex drive back 
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Without sex, there is no connection. I don’t understand how anyone can think not connecting with your partner physically, is normal and should create a relationship, based on thoughtful and caring actions. A relationship without sex, creates an environment of seeking pleasure outside of any relationship. If he is touching himself or watching video, that is actually, normal. Not cheating. But I don’t understand how anyone can think, lack of sex keeps anyone at home and not create cheating scenario. 
Relationships are mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. They work simultaneously together. If your not connecting with your husband physically, then of course he will seek connection elsewhere. Anyone would. Why are you with him? Financial? Support? Then you need to support your husband in his needs as well. You kind of sound like you think you the only one who needs support in your feelings and needs. It is a partnership. Partners both have responsibility in taking care of each other. You want connection? Connect. I understand that you have a difficult situation with your children. But, you both made your situation together. Make it work. You want him to sacrifice, then sacrifice also. If you can’t bring yourself to connect with your husband, physically, then how can you connect in any other way? Just sounds hopeless.
Asking for strangers to give you feed back with limited knowledge of your situation may bring you limited advice. I just don’t see how anyone can get support in a one sided situation. Any relationship is a give and take. Take and give. Mutual exchange of energy, physically, mentally and emotionally.
So sad that you have special needs children that require both parents, that created them and both parents are fighting over their own unrecipricol needs. One wants sex, the other doesn’t. One wants commitment, but is not committed. The other wants support, but not willing to give support. Whatever you expect and want, you should be able to give it. Equally. I think moving on will only make things worse. You can’t take back your children that you created together. Special needs or not. What that means, I don’t think anyone can suggest what to do. That is for you to figure out. Such a difficult situation you are in. I feel for you. 
Praying you make the correct decision for yourself and your children and yes, your husband. You seem to hold all the cards.
If you aren’t going to forgive and take responsibility for your lack of delivering your part in this partnership, then move on, you both created lives that require special needs. Yes, even if you are the one to care for the children, while he provides by working. I suggest you begin to connect with the partner you chose, to help you. Make it work. Get outside help to assist you with your children. Yes, it will require you to give of yourself in so many different directions. Yes, it is a difficult place you find yourself in. It takes great self sacrifice.
The only other alternative, is that you go find another partner who will love and provide for you and your children of special needs. It’s not impossible, because all things are possible. However, regular people without your situation, cannot find good partnerships, relationships or even date. But it’s also not impossible to change your thought process and do absolutely everything in your power to see your husband as your partner and not your enemy, to MAKE it work.
Is he abusive to you? Mistreats you? I never suggest anyone stay in an abusive relationship, of any kind. That is not negotiable. For anyone. 
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Not sure why u left him back seems he is same person . Also that’s what men do if they aren’t getting any , what do u do just wait 
I think if the women wants sex and man is masturbating instead then it’s an issue but if you aren’t having sex with him he isn’t sleeping with someone else then what did u think he would do
OF COURSE!!! If you are still married and He is using another woman’s body to masterbate over, which means they are looking at them & their body the wrong way that is cheating!!! That’s common sense. But it sounds like y’all shouldn’t be married anymore if you are not going to live as a married couple should and is suppose to.
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Not cheating no
But for the love of pete, leave.
You’re staying with him so you won’t struggle financially. That’s not a good enough reason to be married and live together. It will be hard on your own but you CAN do it.
And for what it’s worth, in the future, dont find someone because you need to depend. Be independent and happiness will always be yours.
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Masturbating and watching porn isn’t cheating. It’s also a great way to get into the mood together. If he personally knew them and wanted to attempt with more, like meeting, then it is. But it sounds like the marriage just needs to finally come to an end. He’s not going to change about home life and his sex drive is high. But if you want it to work, try marriage counseling.
Oh wow. No sex for 2-3 weeks! You should be glad that he has resorted to porn…
Also being the breadwinner is not easy. Being a stay at home mom is not easy. Talk and get some common ground. BUT remember you both are tired.