My son is ten years old. His biological father has never been apart of his life, we broke up when I was pregnant, and he just ended up going down the wrong path in life. He was on drugs and in and out of jail for the past ten years. He has never met my son. We have been in the process of having my son adopted by my husband, who has been a father to him since he was a baby. I had to reach out to the biological father to get his information so we could file the paperwork. He said he would sign whatever paperwork he needs to for my son to be adopted. But in the same sentence, he said he’s changed and would like to meet him. I asked my son, who’s old enough to understand if he wanted to see/talk to him. And he said no, he wants nothing to do with him. I’m just not sure where to go from here. Do I have my son give him a second chance? Or let him go with his gut? He said he doesn’t trust him and never will.
Respect his wishes and keep that man away.
The risks outweigh the benefits.
Respect the childs wish.
Listen to your son… period
Your son owes that man nothing. I would hope you follow his wishes & not have him meet him.
Respect your son decision he is old enough.
Respect your sons decision and explain to him that it’s okay if he changes his mind down the line and the option for him to meet his bio dad is always there for him if he chooses
Let ur son decide he knows himself
YOU have answered your own question. " I asked my son, who’s old enough to understand if he wanted to see/talk to him. And he said no, he wants nothing to do with him." He may feel differently later in life, but respect his wishes now.
I think your son is old enough to decide and it sounds like he’s happy with how this stands. It doesn’t sound like the bio father would be a positive influence in your sons life at the moment.
Maybe when he’s an adult he’ll decide if he wants to make contact.
I’d respect my sons wishes. Couldn’t care less about bio dad. He made his bed.
You can’t force him to meet him…he can change his mind when he makes his own decisions to do so…or not.
Respect your sons wish. He may or may not change his mind when he’s older but if he is happy and has a man who is about to adopt him and love him then in my opinion your son is making a very mature decision in not meeting his bio father. My daughter is 16 in her bio father is in and out of rehab turn on drugs and it has done more harm than good knowing him
A ten year old is not mature enough to make that choice.
Work together with his bio dad and him.
Considering he is a crappy dad he probably won’t but he could go to court and get visitation So maybe let him meet him as he is signing away papers
NOTHING! Shut up about it and never mention the subject again. Just. That. Simple.
I think it depends on what was said to him about his father while he was growing up. Did you bad mouth the father, was he ever discussed? Ask him more questions on what makes him feel this way.
If down the line he changes his mind then it should be left up to him. Right now he’s not happy with him. He feels he has a father whether biological or not.
That’s his bio father. He has all rights to met his son. It’s not up to you to decide.
Your child is 10 and does not have maturity or emotional intelligence to make such a huge decision.
You need to be fair and supportive in working with his bio dad for a healthy loving relationship.
Under any circumstances do not bad mouth the bio dad to your child
Your son is not old enough, the fact that he does not want to meet him, comes from years of hurt, disappointment and anger. The man has the right, he may not have earned it, but he has a right. Your Son will need this. He does not know any better. He is only 10. He can make that decision later.
Let your son make that choice
Respect child’s wishes
Listen to what your son says. He will ask to meet him when he’s ready. Don’t force it.
Why did you ask him if you are going to ignore him? Show bio dad pictures and tell him he doesn’t want to. Maybe someday but not now
Let your son make that decision.
Let your son make the choice that is right for him. The bio father may have changed but family isnt always about blood. If your son loves your fiance as his father leave it be. He has the right to his feelings.
Leave him alone, he’ll do it when HE’S ready. Not when your ready
You said yourself that your son is old enough to understand. I think you answered your own question. If he doesn’t want to meet him and doesn’t trust him, don’t force it.
No you shouldn’t force him to do that. He can make his own decision.
Do what your son wishes. Maybe later he might want to seek him out.
Maybe you should talk to him and ask him some questions. He may be really nervous to meet this person who is really a stranger to him, but you should not pressure your son into meeting his biological dad. It should be on his terms. He is old enough to make this decision. Your son may change his mind when he gets older, but it will still be his choice.
Its your sons choice.
He’s old enough to know his own mind. If he has no desire to meet him, then that’s the answer. I’m sure “dad” is the man he’s known since he was a baby. Your son wasn’t important enough for his sperm donor to straighten up his act and your son knows it!
Don’t force him now to see his biological father, time will come when he’s ready.
In what world is a 10 year old mature enough to make life decisions? A judge wouldnt even listen to him in the court of law at that age. 1 it is possible he finally got himself cleaned up and didnt know how to find you to start a relationship with him. I think you should have them meet and start off slowly. Hes 10 he has a whole lifetime ahead of him and could end up having an amazing relationship
He can give up his rights & your son could always meet him. If it hasn’t happened yet. It likely wont. Past behavior is the best sign of future behavior. I have a son who will be 13 in June. His father has never made an effort to meet him. Life is not a dress rehearsal!!! Have him sign the papers.
As you said he is old enough to understand. He has made his wishes clear. He needs you to listen and respect them. End of. He is within his rights to change his mind at any point in the future so as long as you communicate this and always keep that door open this needs not become an issue at all as he clearly has a Dad who loves him which in his world is all he currently requires.
Your son doesn’t want to see him. I would ask the ex to just let you know how to get in touch with him .Just in case he does change his mind later . I think a child should have the right to see their biological parents.
Always trust the gut. Your son has no need to know that loser.
Dont push him! Im literally in the exact same situation and i trust what my child says. Do not push him past his comfort
Don’t force it… It is now on your son’s mind so he’s going to process it… So he might change his mind… Tell his birth father he had 10 years to make the decision so respect your son when he’s ready to meet him… Also pay attention to your son’s mood/behavior, he might act out (especially towards your husband) while he processes, and trying to test him if he’s going to be there.
Who knows. You may need to get a whole with him due to medical reasons also.
I’d go with what my son wants then if he changes his mind in 6 months or 5 years then go with that and support his decision.
Maybe tell him to write him a letter. And that might mean more.
You said hes old enough to decide. So let him decide. It’s never too late for him to change his mind down the road.
In most states the court will listen to the child once they are 12 unfortunately if the bio dad wants visitation they will most likely grant it
You shouldnt force him
As a child (now grown woman) that grew up without a father for the same reasons, respect yours son’s wishes. Later down the road if he decides to meet his biological father than he will but as of this moment he’s not ready. You’ve asked him so if you force the interaction now you are breaking his trust in you. I know the feelings he’s experiencing and I am grateful that my mom let me make my own decision and nurtured them. Just because they share DNA doesn’t mean they’re family. Any man can be a father but a man that takes on the role without having too & raises & loves that child is a real dad.
My apologies if this has been said already. My opinion would be to sit down with him and do a pros and cons list to help him make the best decision for him. Or maybe you want to try this yourself. These types of decisions are very hard! Sometimes i try to remove my feelings and look at the situation from a different perspective. I hope you both come to a decision that feels right! Good luck!
Maybe you stop talking bad about his dad in front of him… did he formate these thoughts or hesitations out of the air!
Your son made a decision. Respect it.
Perhaps the bio father needs to take time to assure his life is in check. It does not seem like the right time. The young mind may not be able to handle meeting him then being adopted by another. It seems too much on the child
I have the same situation with my daughter (except for the jail part). She is 12 and her dad has been wanting to meet her for a few years. I gave her the choice, the decision is in her hands and she has made the same choice your son did, so far. I keep in contact with him (not frequent conversations or anything but he checks in and asks about her now and then and I send him occasional photos, with her permission, of course) as we have no reason not to be civil. He has a wife a other children now. Let the choice be your sons. It’s his life.
Listen to your child
Listen to your child’s instinct and feelings. ALWAYS
Your son IS old enough to know what he wants and doesn’t want at this time in his life. Honor that. I made some life decisions when I was that young…and am still happy with the people who listened to me. He has a lot of years that he can change his mind… IF HE wants to. It is total bullshit to force kids to put up with someone invalidating his feelings…no questions asked. Tell he you will be there if he ever needs or wants to talk about it.
You did the right thing by asking him.
People tend to think adults opinions count more. The best parenting is when you honor yourself by treating your child’s feelings as important and protecting his right to have those feelings. He owes this total stranger nothing… and neither do you.
I will be eternally thankful yo the person that listened to me as a child.
If he doesn’t want to see his father then you don’t make him…simple as that.
Let it go. It is your son’s choice to make.
A child at certain age can choose n sign the adoption paper himself ?id check state n child welfare legal rights n go from there!!!
My daughters father never tried to be a part of her life but I felt she needed a dad so I brought her to see him every weekend, even after she told me she didn’t want to. Now she’s grown and doesn’t spend time with him. She learned who he is by his lack of interest when she was a child. She didn’t need him in her life, she needed a man who would care for her. It sounds like your son has that so there’s no reason for him to meet his “dad”
It’s a ‘no’ for now… just leave an to option for him to reconsider later. Let the bio dad know it is what it is. He can pray harder and longer.
Don’t force the meeting!! Let bio dad know his son doesn’t want to meet him. If he ever changes his mind, you will look him up again.
The bio father forfitted rights by time frame, it’s called abandonment in most states when referring to an absentee parent who has done nothing to be involved or support child. Put an add in the paper and send to last known address is all that’s required for most adoptive step parents to become the adoptive parent in courts eyes. Verify your local rules. If he changes his mind later and wants to seek him out you can be supportive, but don’t force it on him now.
Let him decide himself
He’s old enough to know. Forcing him will only add emotional stress that he doesn’t need
Your son is old enough to know what he wants. I would respect his decision and later in life if e wants to meet him he certainly can.
If a 10 year old is saying these things it’s very likely the way you’ve spoken about his father in his presence. So is it really actually that’s he’s been fully informed or that you talked badly about his father for long enough YOU put that in his head. If that’s not the case and you’ve never said anything to him other than he has a different dad technically then a further discussion needs to ensue. I would make sure dad has really made good changes by meeting him first. Then if so, explain to your son that that man IS his father and while you completely understand his feelings that it wouldn’t be good for him not to at least meet him once. Just so he can form his own idea about who this man actually is not just who he thinks he is. I’d even tell him to write down questions he wants to ask his bio dad because he deserves answers. Then if he never wants to see him again, fine. I wouldn’t say force the meeting, no. But I would say encourage him to try to meet him once.
You shouldn’t force him he don’t know him. And that’s on bio dad. Maybe when he gets older he with change his mind. But for now let it go.
Nope. Not your sons fault what happened, and not yours. He chose his priorities back then which wasn’t you two… so straight up tell him… he’s not ready to meet you…
I have been here twice and with my daughter and my son he turned 18 he wanted to meet his real dad he wanted to know where he came from he met him but that was the end if it. I wouldnt push him and tell the dad he may want to meet him someday but not ready right now.
He’s old enough to make that decision for himself he can anyways change it later if he wants to
Listen to your kid. They can always change their mind when they’re older
Let your son decide. IF your son wants to meet him some day. He knows who he is. Hopefully your ex will let it go for now.
Your son said no, don’t make him meet someone he doesn’t want to meet. His father made his decision, you can’t turn back time.
Listen to your son. Don’t ever doubt your instincts.
Do not force it my kids had the choice after their father walked out on us and I let them choose something like that is a little painful and would hurt. My bio dads family had nothing to do with my brother and me no matter how hard we reached out to them. Our adopted family was our family. They were there for us and thats what counts
Why is this a question? Listen to your son.
Do not force your son to go there.
He had made his decision, you need to respect that.
The fact that you even needed to ask is mind boggling.
Listen to your son. Respect his decision.
I definitely wouldn’t since your son doesn’t want to.
If your son says no he doesn’t wanna meet him, I’d leave it at that. He could resent you if things go horribly wrong if you strongly encourage or force them to meet.
The thought about it is is that you can have a meeting altogether because if he refuses to sign the paperwork your husband will never be able to adopt them he has decided before that can all happen
I was that kid. When my dad got out of prison I wanted nothing to do with him either, but my mom asked me to just meet him. For her. She agreed to never make me stay if I wanted to leave, she promised if I wanted nothing to do with him after that I didn’t have to. But she asked me to at least meet the man before I decided, in the same tone she would’ve asked me to at least try something new for dinner.
She didn’t ask me to give him the chance to love me, she gave me the chance to make a fully informed decision based off what I felt about him myself and not what I had heard or picked up. She knew I was smart enough to still not want any part of him and she meant it when she said it would be okay if I decided not to go further. And it was.
I can’t say what’s right or wrong in your situation, but my mom asking me to at least meet mine before making that decision has helped me cement that decision so hard. I have ZERO lingering questions about why he left, why we weren’t enough, etc., because I had that chance to ask him, to hear his bullshit excuses and his pity me sob stories, and I heard them for myself. Formed my own disgust. Made a fully educated decision.
I’m not saying don’t respect his decision. But if you trust his judgement enough to follow his lead, I do think it’s fair to ask your son a few hard questions about how he intends to have his hard questions for bio dad answered, how he’s going to get closure from this, if he’s always left wondering how things could’ve went had he just met him once.
Respect your son’s decision
The biological father hasn’t been there and if the child says no he means no. Don’t force it.
No is no, fulfill his wish
Let your son decide, when the time is right for him he’ll choose
I get your son doesn’t want to meet him, BUT if that answer causes your ex to change his mind about signing the paperwork will your son be ok with that…this is definately a more than once convo with your son. I can’t even imagine what his poor little heart and mind are feeling right now…hope all goes well.
I think he knows what’s good to his heart. Maybe politely decline for NOW and say you’ll address it again later down the road.
He shouldn’t have to.If he changes his mind so be it
Go to a playground with him and have bio dad meet you there, dont tell the child who he is, just someone you know. This way both get their way
Let it go your sons gut is right nd old enough to make that choice. Funny now he’s doing good nd changed now he wants a chance … nah your not walking in when you turned you back from day 1.
I’m assuming that his father’s parents were not apart of his life either…but respect your son’s decision. I would say if his grandparents were in his life that they would be able to help him with his decision by telling him things about his father a that he truly has changed
This sounds exactly like a situation that i will soon have to face but if my son says no, then its no. He cant really blame him.
He’s the sperm donor not his father. His father is the one that raised him and wants to adopt him. If when he is an adult he wants to meet him then he will but for now he has made his decision. Besides you have no idea if this guy really has changed. Let it be go they with the adoption
He’s old enough to decide if he wants to meet him or not
He’s 10. We are supposed to make decisions for children for a reason. Do what YOU think is best. That’s his father…
you can get your son a legal law guardian (free) as you go tgru the process they are there to protect the child went thru this child didnt want to met him therefore didnt have to