How do you handle visitation if your 12-year-old daughter does not want to go? Her dad, whom she refers to by his actual name and not dad, has voiced several times not only to me, her stepdad, counselor, cps, an investigator, and her law guardian that she does not feel safe there. But there is still a court order in effect from when she was six, saying he gets her every two weeks in the summer. We have not followed this in 3 years due to her attending summer school. And now, this past year, a lot more has happened. I refuse to force her to do or go somewhere she doesn’t feel safe. I’m willing to take the violation thru court…which we have been in for two years now, and nothing has been solved. (Thanks, covid). Any input or advice, or even if this has happened to you…I’m just at my wit’s end and need help!
Listen to your daughter. We were like them before. We were not able to tell our moms everything happening to us but we are hoping they will understand it through our actions.
Many times something bad happened to me, I chose not to tell it to anyone but I never ever want to go there or do it again.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My 12 year old does not want to visit her dad and I do not want to force her: Advice?
Do what you feel is best for your daughter.
Go back to court and get a modification. She is old enough to make that decision. Get documentation and file it with your court papers. No judge will make her go there if she has expressed to that many professionals that she feels unsafe.
If she does not feel safe then don’t let her go
U can take bk to court get him proved in fit volinate n get restrain ing order for the safety of the child here in Tennessee they let 15 yrs go to court n speak dcs is a f ****ing joke prayers go out to u fight n u will wen I no from experience
At 12 she is old enough to make the decision on if she wants to go or not. She has voiced her opinion to many people. Don’t send her.
I wouldn’t force my child to go somewhere they feel is unsafe. I would 100% keep her home tell dad the truth and go back to court. She can write a letter for the judge and explain her feelings and why she feels that way and you can request her to have her own lawyer. They will provide one. That lawyers only priority is making sure your daughter has a voice and will be that for her since she cannot be there herself. I’d totally refuse him access in a second if she expressed those feelings court order be damned.
You could possibly lose custody of her to her father depending on the judge and if the father pushes it you better contact a lawyer they could do more to you than just fine you. You could go to jail
Typically at her age a police officer (if called to enforce order) will not force a child that is refusing.
I wish I could manage returning to court for a modification based on 1 the fact that she doesn’t want to go into our serapis should be willing to write that forcing her to go will cause further trauma
Go back to court, like everyone else has said, 12 is old enough.
I have never let my kids go where they don’t feel safe. And I have dealt with this for 18 years. Don’t make her go
She will hold resentment towards you. Good luck
Fight on mama!! You are 100% right!
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My 12 year old does not want to visit her dad and I do not want to force her: Advice?
Go back to court. Now she’s over 10 her opinion will count towards the courts decision. Did in my families case 20 years ago.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My 12 year old does not want to visit her dad and I do not want to force her: Advice?
You could have grandma or grandpa file for temp emergency custody.
My husband was 12 when he told the judge he didn’t feel safe at his dads and didn’t want to go and the judge changed the order! He NEVER went back to his dads after that.
Prior to this, he was leaving his dads house in the middle of the night and walking/getting rides to his moms because he REALLY didn’t want to be there. His mom documented everything, including all the times he left his dad’s to come home and all the times he complained about abuse/not feeling safe over there.
The court system will expect you to enforce it regardless unless you get a GAL involved or your child will testify that they do not want to go and even then the court will expect it to be enforced I spent 41,000 dollars for someone to tell me that and I’m telling you for free. Unless there’s actually evidence of abuse ( in my case there was) or drug use with proof or something like this then they will enforce it. Typically kiddo has to be 13 or 14.
Bring it back to Cort let your child speak to judge
We just recently looked up for a family member that you can get a guardian ad litem for a child it is an appointed person to observe the mother, father and child and then represent the child in court. That way her opinion on this can be heard!
When kids start doing different activities (sports/jobs/activities) life has to change as well as the court order, and you are no longer with him for some reason, and your daughter is using her leadership skills and telling everyone what she wants. The dad isn’t rushing into court so there is something going on and he knows it.
Protect her. There’s obviously a reason she’s scared,
I was 12 when I told the judge what I wanted. I wouldn’t send her but I would get an attorney and start the process to change the agreement. I understand with covid everything is backed up but at least if they try to fight you the process is started. Good luck
Have you tried to ask the reason your daughter doesn’t feel safe there?? There must be something that’s not sitting right. And at 12 she knows her own mind what she does and doesn’t want to do? But I’m type of person to go with my gut, and if courts are involved then I’d keep her safe​:pleading_face:
xx
I work in my local county courthouse handling custody. You need to go in or call and find out what you need to do to have the order modified. At the age of 12 she can speak to the judge
Since she is now 12 can you go back to court with all the statements of her not feeling safe there and her own word now that she’s so much older and change the court order possibly?
I would be speaking to a lawyer and putting a motion to change.
Also when their 12 they can decide if they want to go or not… not sure where you live… possible children’s lawyer for your child as well. Affidavits from everyone that your child has spoke too. CPS should be backing you 
In some states, 12 is considered old enough to make a decision about who they live with and visit
As much of a douche as my ex is, he has never forced our kids to go to his house if they don’t want to. There have been times when either one or both had wanted to stay home with me rather than go to his house (for whatever reason) and he never batted an eye.
However, that’s because that meant he had not free time. It meant he was released from his parenting duty time. It wouldn’t bother him one but if they never went to his house again.
I say, do what your gut tells you to do. If he fights you on it, then fight. Have him take you to court. There will be an investigation. If something truly wrong is happening, he won’t want an investigation.
That’s contempt and she’s a child. Her step dad isn’t her dad, so stop trying to brainwash her into hating her real dad.
We have to do things we don’t like sometimes, that’s part of life. You not making her go shows she can walk all over you.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My 12 year old does not want to visit her dad and I do not want to force her: Advice?
Simply put…Trust your instincts Momma and listen to your child.
Trust your daughter! …. Better safe then sorry
I’ve been through all this with my son and still going through it what really helped is the last hearing I subpoenaed his counselor and she testified pretty much his voice for once the judge listened and now visitation is up to him which is amazing this kid has been through so much he doesn’t want to see or talk or have anything to do with his father period just hang in there and keep fighting for your child its rough but ya have to for their sake
I don’t know we’re you live but when I was 12 I was able to go to court and tell the judge directly that I did not want to go to my fathers anymore and he said I was old enough to make that choice and stopped visitation
Depending on the state I would seek a lawyers advice no matter what but really be careful about violating the order it could cost you custody all together in most places.
At 12 years old she is old enough to talk to the judge and explain why she feels unsafe at her father’s. Make sure she understands that if she doesnt go she will be expected to talk to the judge.
She’s old enough to make that decision for herself now and it says a lot if a 12 year old is saying she does not feel safe with her dad! She’s nearly a teenager, you’re doing the right thing and I’d 100% keep fighting it! Xxx
Trust your daughter and I believe 13 is the age they can choose on their own. Different from state to state so look into that! She can stand In court and be heard!
I don’t really understand. You said she hasn’t gone in two years because of summer school. So obviously if nothing has happened yet with her not going, then you have nothing to worry about. What you’re saying is, she hasn’t been to her father’s in two years? If that’s the case, then just keep doing what you’re doing I guess. If you were going to get a fine, you probably would have already gotten one. Although, I think every child should have both parents, if they are both willing to be involved. Unless there is a legitimate reason. Does she just not like going because there’s more rules? Or less to do there? There doesn’t seem to be any proof that she’s unsafe there. Otherwise CPS or the court would have stepped in. But on the other hand, you need to listen to your child. So it’s hard. Just find the real reason why she doesn’t want to go. Then find proof of her not being safe. But if she is safe there, I would try to have her slowly get a relationship back with her dad! That’s important. Especially with little girl’s. I know I needed my dad. And now he’s gone!
Depending what state u live in she is old enough to decide where she wants to go. Id go to the counselor and dcf and ask them for help. Her saftey should come before anything. I wouldnt make her go
Tell your daughter to voice her concerns to the mediator, the judge, whoever needs to hear it. My dad tried to fight for visitation for me when I was 11, not because he actually wanted to spend time with me (he was abusive to all of us except my brother) but because he wanted to spite my mother and still have some form of control over me. I told the lawyers, the judge, the case workers, my school counselor, my therapist… EVERYONE that would listen that I was not safe with him and I would 100% run away if they tried to make me go with him for any amount of time. They ended up giving him a restraining order that kept him 500 yards away from me at all times. I know she’s young and its a crappy situation but finding her voice and standing up for her own well being now will make it so much easier to do so in other situations in the future as well. 
Don’t make her go. She’s old enough to make that decision. Pay the fine if he holds you in contempt. I actually told the judge i’ll pay all the fines before I let her go and something bad happen… he just looked at me and nodded his head.
I’d def take violation bc if she doesn’t feel safe what if she runs away n etc I’d not even make her go at all
Then don’t make her go if she expressed that to CPS then you need to be concerned
Depending on ur state until she is 16 she has no say
Have your daughter call cps or you and your daughter go down to your local police station
Let her talk not you
So they hear her in her own words
DO 
NOT SEND HER you are her voice and at 12 she can choose. I’d be damned if I sent my kid at any age somewhere she has been brave enough to voice to several grown ups that she isn’t/doesn’t feel safe with her bio dad. Do you know what that takes for a Child? Do you know how scarey that is for them? She used her voice to tell people she thinks can make her safe. Please, whatever you do, protect that baby and DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!!!
Does she have a lawyer? I saw that cps was involved and I am unsure what state you are in but in mine if cps is involved child has a right to her own lawyer and he will fight for her all she has to do is ask and make an official refusal. If the judge states she has to I have heard some teens in my state in foster say they then wish to be transported via taxi service and when taxi show up call their lawyer and cps and record themselves refusing to get in the car. The state hates nothing more than wasting their own money and many kiddos have won their case.
I dont know your state but I went through the samething with my two oldest boys but unfortunately the age here is 14 so as soon as they turned 14 they stopped going over there he was supposed to get them every other weekend an some holidays but after they turned 14 they stopped staying over nights they only go for a few hours on fathers day, Thanksgiving an Christmas it’s on their terms if they even go then
Why doesn’t she feel safe? If it was abuse or neglect cps and the police
would take more of a stance for liability. That’s her dad. Girls that grow up without one run greater risks of all kinds of harm. Everyone deserves to know both parents unless there is a severe reason not to. If it’s a personality clash you need to help mend that bridge because she is entering the toughest part of childhood and will need all the support and love she can get. Two dads are always better than one. Stepdad could be a rockstar but unresolved issues with bio dad could cause a lifetime of hurt. You take her away from him and she will resent you later. Cps and and the police haven’t found legit reasons to prevent shared custody. There is no why she feels unsafe in this post.
You need to hire an attorney and go to court.
So since age 9 until age 12 you did not follow the order because of summer school which is NOT the whole summer. Sounds like you did NOT want to give up the free days to dad as ordered by court and after 3 Years it’s not safe? 
Why? Anyone can call CPS, and an investigator, but why? What did he he do to hurt her ALL the Years she DID see him? Missing information.
Emergency custody order.
Sounds like there’s more to it. Do not send her there. Have you asked if he is touching or hurting and threatening her?
File for modification and go back to court. Your child is big enough to tell the judge and court how she feels
Talk to ur lawyer…they can give u CORRECT info… I mean u are already in violation on not sending her for 3 years during summer
She is old enough to decide in most states whats best for her even most judges will agree
If you already have cps in your lives ask THEM to file an emergency court date for custody to remove his two weeks, bringing to attention anything you daughter has mentioned on feeling unsafe there and why. Unfortunately courts for this are awful and unless you can really prove she shouldn’t go they may not go in your favor. But a child raising that much concern might alarm them enough to work harder and look into it. Definitely look into a lawyer, it always helps
If she Dont feel Safe Dont make her go.
Don’t force her. If he files a motion in court for contempt for her not coming you get a hearing to “show cause”. Then you can present to the judge why she didn’t go and she’s old enough also to speak in front of the judge. That’s IF he goes so far as to take the issue to court.
Be careful with this. You could be held in criminal contempt and possibly lose custody. Tell your lawyer to put her on the stand and subpoena everyone she has told that
You should go back to court, since she is 12 now. Things have changed, and a 12 year old can decide if she wants to go with her dad.
You have to get the court order amended.
I would file paper work to change things and I would have your daughter write a letter explaining why she doesn’t want too. As for the whole jail time thing, this came from my lawyer, most of the time they will not put you in jail, you will get in trouble but that time will have to be made up and if the parties can’t find a time to do it the judge could pick a time. I hope it all works out for you and your daughter.
So if he comes to pick her up and she doesn’t want to go, and he calls the police, the police officer will not make her go. They wont physically Force children into vehicles at that age. If she doesn’t want to go, take her to the courts and let her talk to the judge.
Find out what age a child can make decisions regarding where they can visit/live. It’s not a good idea to force it and your ex should not want that either. Talk to a lawyer and see what you can do so you don’t get in trouble.
Ask for a guardian ad litem. They are social workers that will speak on your child’s behalf in court. At 14 she will be old enough to voice her own concerns to the judge.
There is a video I seen not long ago when a dad went to drop his 12/13 year old son off back at moms and he refuse to get out the mom became mad the child said he dont feel safe with her or her husband and the mom hits him.cops were called they told the mom nothing they can do hes of age where he can make his own decisions on who to be with and as for the courts to decide not the cops so long as other parent was ok with keeping the child nothing cops can do.
If cps is involved you could get in a lot of trouble in court not going by what they are saying. She’s 12, the judge may be willing to consider her word but depends on the judge and state.
Go back to court at 12 they can choose
Dont make her go its that simple…he can take u to court if he has a prob then u can explain urself ur daughter can speak for herself …the worst that can happen is u get held in contempt and fined it’s not criminal court so getting put in jail for this kind of contempt is very very very unlikely unless u cause a scene.
She can also speak to the judge privately, in the judges chambers. Dobt stress it too much, just tread carefully, abs document everything.
I went through this last summer with my 13 year old. I refused to send her if she felt unsafe. Her dad hasn’t even tried getting her since we stopped.
Contempt of court… charges & fines
My ex husband used to call the cops on me all the time about that he would show up at midnight trying to get our sons and I would say I wouldn’t wake them up that he could get them in the morning cops would make me wake them up and let him take them. Then when they kept coming back with bruises on them and our then three year old started acting out sexually I said they were not going and he called the cops and I gladly took the custodial interference paper and had an open cps case about it was in and out of court for 6 months with custodial interference. Our oldest said he didn’t want to go with him anymore because he was always mean to him and of course he called the cops about it and the cops told him they can’t force him to go and neither could I or him so that was that he didn’t go.
I listen to my 12 year old who also refuses to call his bio dad, dad. Refers to him by name even gets mad at me when I say “your dad”. Just support her. She’ll resent you for making her do something she feels so strongly against. I gave all responsibility to my son. He has to be the one to tell his father that he doesn’t want to talk to him or see him. Just explain to your daughter the situation. Don’t leave anything out. Be honest about the court order. If she still doesn’t want to go, don’t make her.
She is old enough to have her voice heard in court.
Have her write a letter to the judge.
If that’s the case then modify the order. Seek sole custody so you will not have to follow that order.
I told my x I front of his lawyer and judge I will not force them to go. If they want to go okay I won’t stop them. But if they don’t want to go I won’t force it. Period. I’m not going to make my kids see someone that they don’t want to see. But there was also years where he was absent all together. I told them all I don’t care if you get mad. If they don’t want to they won’t. I haven’t had any trouble out of anyone. My son calls him his sperm doner my daughter however has since decided she wanted to live with him. It killed me to allow it. But if it makes her happy.
She’s 12 you take her to judge let her tell him with you’re consent what’s going on. and he will figure something out also lawyer up too
keep her home.
it’s your job to keep your baby safe.
and just because he’s “dad” DOES NOT mean she is safe.
I find it hard to believe that many officials have been involved and her tell them all this and there still be visitation in place at all. Either you aren’t telling the whole truth or the daughter has baseless accusations to just get out of doing something she doesn’t want to do.
Check your state laws. Some states allow 12 year olds to decline visitation.
When I was 12 I went to court and told then what I wanted they listened
If nobody is listening to her they probably think you have coached her. She needs evidence. Recording her dad’s behavior, marks, adult witnesses etc. File a petition with the court to modify parenting time.
In some states 12 is old enough to choose. When I was 11 my evil step mother made my dad file for more visitation. The judge post poned the hearing until my 12th birthday (they filed months before to try to avoid this 
). I talked to the judge in his chambers without parents just a lady from the court & judge. He ended up ruling that it was my choice when, how often & who to visit (not step mother). I know a lot of states are stopping allowing a choice to choose for themselves. Hire a lawyer.
Request a modification and go back to court.
It’s a wonder CPS do something. Take him to court to get order changed and your daughter will have to go and tell them why. Shes old enough
Tell dad she has summer school.
I’d start the process of going back to court now, and get her into therapy asap if not already, so safety issues can be looked into, and hopefully a compromise or solution made, without breaking the court order.
She is old enough to have her own voice in court my 11 year old step daughter voiced to the court she wanted to come with and we won because of that if she is saying something going on believe her
I’d have her write a letter to the courts and redo the agreement. Where I live, if the kid is 12 and says they don’t want to go, they don’t have to go.
No matter what you do, entirely ignore Ma Ry Sa comments. She is apparently rather hateful and out of touch with reality, simply wanting to be a witch.
Anyway, I agree with a lot of people. Have her write a letter to a judge/speak directly with the judge and have her voice heard. And get CPS involved as she does not feel safe.
You should never force your child to go somewhere that makes them uncomfortable. Courts be damned they don’t know what’s good for your daughter and you are her advocate.
At 12yo she is old enough to be heard in court . Personally I wouldnt force her to go
I would not make her whatsoever, it’s not even you saying you don’t feel safe with her there, but she herself is voicing she doesn’t feel safe. I would do like you stated, keep her, and take the violation to court. I wouldn’t lie about her being in summer school like others have stated, simply because it’s not going to solve anything.
It is very unfortunate but our family went through the same. Depending on your state ours is Ohio This was held against the mom and the child words were heard but yet the judge. Gal and the dad said this was the moms fault. After 12 years this dad who had a long distance visitation only was awarded custody. They said mom was making things up. Threw out anything on the dad even though he had a five year no contact issued on him due to abuse. Unbelievable. Yes. The child is now diagnosed with ptsd for what the courts and The so called gal did to her even though the child said she wanted to be with her mom her therapy dog her family nope!!!prepare for a long court battle as now this dad is a saint and can do wrong. The mom. Never had been in trouble with anything. Was a teachers aide involved with everything. BUT this did not matter. Please please be aware that the courts in some area do not give a damn about the child. My prayers are with you And to talk about this outside of court. Judge put a GAG order on the family
You really need to find out why she doesn’t want to go !