My recently turned 14 YO daughter refuses to do her chores… well anything for that matter-unless I stand there and make her do it. I’ve tried to be nice, I’ve tried to be mean and threaten her, take all her stuff away, but nothing works, even threatened to make her quit her sports… I even threaten her with juvi… she gets scared for a second but then doesn’t care. My other kids do their chores when they are told for the most part, but my middle girl just gets so frustrated when I tell her to do anything… so when she gives me attitude, I make her do all the chores and tell her when she stops the attitude, I’ll stop all the chores… I’m at my wits end with this… I don’t want to be mean with my kids, but she is just unbelievably 14!! OMG… help… thanks
For starters…don’t threaten anything if you aren’t going to follow through…she knows you really aren’t going to do the threat so no need to do the chore. I would suggest rotating chores between the kids. Maybe she gets bored doing the same thing or maybe it is their most dreaded chore. My girls I had one that hated laundry with a passion and the other one it was dishes. Each child has the one that they absolutely hate more than anything.
Please don’t threaten to take sports away. I think that sports, choir, band etc are crucial to development and keep them on the straight and narrow. I was blessed with my daughter but I have heard horror stories of 14 and 15 year old girls. Be thankful it’s just a stage and maybe tolerate a bit more since she isn’t out drinking, doing drugs or getting pregnant. If she refuses to do her chores then just don’t give in to her when she wants something extra. Make her earn it.
Follow through! Dont threaten just do it. Shes aware of the consequences. Don’t negotiate. You’re the parent. Ask, tell then demand. Example: please do the dishes. (Child refuses) do the dishes now please (still refuses)" i will be taking your phone for the next 3 days. Hand it over". No explanation, no, threats.
You are not being mean by disciplining your daughter it’s actually loving your child and teaching them responsibility. If your daughter doesn’t comply with what you told her to do that there will be consequences. Always always follow through, do not back down stay firm. She will probably be mad and might even say hurtful things it’s the teenage years eventually it will get better.
I’m the mother of 4 boys who are now all adults. I have since minute one had a struggle with my second child. He was resistant to any and everything, pushed my bottoms like no one else. Many years I would silently ask ‘why is he so difficult when my others weren’t…why can’t he be like the rest of us’… very much later in life I did some personality training and I realized his whole life I was trying to make a square fit in a circle. Every person is different, takes instructions differently and needs love differently.
I wish for the sanity I lost for so many years I would have taken that training earlier in life. (Just my own experience) I’m not knocking good old fashioned discipline or parenting…I have two Marine sons and they say I prepped them for boot camp. I’m just suggesting taking a look at her communication needs and it may help. Good luck!!
Just by reading this and reading the comments… I’ve come to the conclusion that my daughter is just spoiled… It seems all of us have the same problem with their kids and look at all the crap they have… Omg… One little girl in this thread has a apple watch, phone and lord knows what else… Y’all… Our kids are spoiled and that’s their problem, which in reality is our problem as their parents…
Also, from 13-23 she’s going to say that she hates you. It’s ok bc she doesn’t. Just tell her you don’t like her very much when she acts like this but that you love her always.
Tough love time. Give what you get. Go on strike: no cooking, no cleaning, laundry is everything but hers, no free money. Get the idea.
My daughter is now 26 years old and we are best friends but during her teenage years she hated me. I was a strict mom. Early curfews, couldn’t go off with friends without my knowing where and how long they would be gone, if I grounded or took away her phone, I stuck to it. 2 weeks meant 2 weeks not 8 or 10 days. Had to keep her grades up to keep playing sports and have a job. She had chores around the house. She would tell me at least 3x a week “I hate you, you are the meanest mom” I always replied back good thats my job and I love you always. Stand firm and she will appreciate all you are doing for her.
Carry through . If she has a phone , take it . Take away her pleasures until
She learns that she’s not entitled to anything, she needs to learn to earn them . Don’t give in no matter how she tries to make you feel guilty or the threats she makes . We do them an injustice when we give and not teach them to earn . Life isn’t easy and isn’t a party ,they need to learn that . You are not being mean by teaching her correctly .
I was a middle child and always expected to do more than the others. I was left out more and really just got tired of it . I lashed out most of the time . Not saying that you do this to your daughter but to me it’s a cry for help . Start by assisting her with the chores and tell her if you help her that she has to help you with yours . Usually that helps her realize what you do and then She will appreciate it more .
With my teen, we used a “work rewards” system. agreed chores done daily he earned a set amount of cash every payday. If chores were not done no money. If always done and without complaints a small bonus. He learned to go above and beyond and the value of working for money. Never had to take away anything.
Stop Spoiling your kids people. Just because you never had it or because all the other kids have one. This is the problem. Not the kids its us…It’s spoiling them. We worry about depression, anxiety, even suicide, so we give in. Stop giving in. Be strong, be firm. I once took everything electrical from my daughter for a month. She hated it. It was hard but she learnt when she really pushed me I was going to stand down. Be strong. It’s hard but my girls respect me now and they are wonderful adults. I wasnt a perfect parent and I spoilt my girls of course. But I also didn’t take thier shit when they got out of control. Good luck. Teenage girls are hard.
Parent first then be there friend. All you are required to provide is a roof, food, clothing, love and discipline. She doesn’t do anything because she knows you won’t actually do what you said. They are idol threats if you can’t follow through with what you tell her how can you expect for her to follow through with her half. Take it all the and leave the basic and follow through and stand your ground.
I had the same issue with my daughters. Yes you do need to be a parent first and a friend second. If you have WiFi change the password and she doesn’t get it until chores are done. Take the phone away it’s a privilege not a right. Follow through on threats because if you don’t she will know you’re not going to do anything about it
Hmmmm. Take everything away. She gets a mattress, pillow and blanket. Take her clothes and you pick out what she wears every day to school. Watch how quick that attitude melts away. If she wants to eat she gets to help cook and do dishes.
I had a 12 year old that would just urghhhhhhhhhh you know be a pre/teen the start of taking stuff away and grounding her she kept on I pulled her from sports and other school activities. She cleared right up. Now I’m her diary and we have a great relationship. Be consistent!!! . Good luck to you momma
Maybe actually taking away the extra activities will work. She knows you
Won’t do it, it’s empty threats .
i have a 14 yr old girl just like this…i just take all her stuff away and mean it do NOT give it back that same day after she does her chores…she may scream and yell try not to feed into it yelling back…take her stuff away amd just walk away she will get the drift
I have a 13 year old son and a 14 year old son whom is high functioning autistic only thing they have to do is keep there rooms picked up and beds made etc. but when my baby daddy came by to see the boys he asked me why I do not have the boys do chores or have a chart as a way to earn money i said My 13 year old does by baby sitting his older brother when i have to run to do a few errands maybe be gone no more than an hour its 5 bucks per hour he really easy he pretty much takes care of himself I just want him to keep an eye on him that’s all but should I be giving him anything else than that??
Let her come home to a empty bedroom. Leave her 1 change of clothes. Make her earn everything back by her good behavior. Teach her now while she is still young or you will have a monster on your hands . Having things is a privilege.
You are her mother not her friend. Stay consistent & eventually she will come around.
I had a very difficult son. He’s 22 now & he’s here to tell about it. Yes I would of gave him away at times he was such a punk.
14 is really tough for Mom’s and Daughter fortunately it does get better! Don’t give in keep doing what you are doing even though you are probably getting wore down. Stand your ground and let her know she isn’t going to win the battle she will eventually get it.
No friends over, ride home with you from school activities, no phone, no computer. (I am a teacher so I knew all the schedules.) I started mine early with chores. I also spanked from an early age (degree according to age) so by 8-10 it was no longer necessary. Kids knew I meant what I sad. One kid was easy and the other was hard.
Problem is you just threaten . If you DID one of those above you say you’ve threatened her with , and followed thru - she would see you mean business .
I agree. We should not take away those things that are beneficial to their development, such as sports, but there are other things that they can do without, such as phones or outings with friends, until they start cooperating more with their responsibilities.
I think this is a time when you need to give them lots of love, patience, understanding during the good moments.
Its not a time to alienate her.
It’s a phase and it has to run its course.
I am 53 and my father past at age 42. Part of life
Really Meds. More for Parents and not kids. Life happens.
Are u following through with the threats? Don’t make a threat or consequence you are not ready to follow through like your grounded for a month when you know the most will only be two days. When children know you won’t follow through why take you seriously. Ask your daughter what she feels the punishment should be for not doing her chore and then do it. I have found once a child or teen see their choices have real consequences it will stop good luck
Rotate the chores. That way, she doesn’t feel like she only has the “hard” ones. Make it fair.
Well for one thing I would take her phone and internet access. If she wants them badly enough she can earn them. You are the parent. She is a child.
I remember I wasn’t doing what I was suppose to do when I was younger so my dad came to school with me the entire day. I was so embarrassed.
Being a parent is a consistant balancing act. What works for one doesnt work for the other. Sit her down and explain that the chores are what is expected of anyone that lives in the house. Talk about the chores to be sure the amount is realistic for her. Make the decision together
Eachkid is different. As the middle child, i got the majority of the work AND was the most frequent target for the beating…most frequent by far. By several measures, I turned out the ‘best’ of all, so br patient, set boundaries, and hold them. Work with her…get to know her…
I’m have a 14 year old daughter I have to take her cell phone away until she does her chores.
switch things up and use rewards. meaning if she has a phone, give it to her if she does her chores otherwise its yours. what makes her thrive? some kids love special time with parents…reward ideas
Would you believe that my middle son moved out to live with his father bc we asked him three times to clean up the dog poop?!
If you threaten to take something away from her, like her music or something she uses daily that she cherishes. Then you should follow through with that. Tel her she won’t get it back till her chores are done and she can apologize for her attitude.
Or try sitting her down and talking to her. Ask her why she feels the need to not help keep her living area clean. Why does she have that attitude towards you, ect…
Refuse huh what? Is that an option nowadays? All I’m doing is asking once maybe twice, that’s it, that’s all. Training begins at an early age. My boys picked up their toys as young as 2 maybe younger. Train and discipline them young doing so I found its easier to direct them as they get older. They know what’s expected.
Ok…If she doesn’t want to wash dishes make her use the unwashed dishes and utensils each night. If she won’t help with laundry than don’t do her laundry… Make her wear dirty clothes. Just a question why does she feel she doesn’t have to do anything
Value of living the current lifestyle and value of money needs to be a part of raising ur kids. Chores should be part of what a family does to maintain what they have.
Just this wkend I told my 17 yr old n 11 yr old work together on 3 loads of laundry! Well that was a disaster 🤦🤷. So I said no phone til all the laundry is done to my oldest and n no tablet for my youngest and he will do anything ask for 2 days! Guess who wash dried n folded all the laundry in the house that’s right! My youngest was doing extra stuff with out being asked! You gotta follow thru or it won’t change!
I don’t have advice but i felt like i was reading my own story, children today can be so lazy and entitled… thank you for showing me im not alone
Break her chores down to smaller projects.
Consistent punishment work’s.but you need to be the parent and stuck to your word.ni matter what she says.If all else fails put her in the corner 1 minute for each year of age.14 minutes to her will be hell.
Hmmm 
I kinda stopped reading at MY 14 year old CHILD refuses —- Say what ???
Parent HIM —- Disobeying parents Is A NO NO - Use punishment for when he doesn’t do as TOLD — I would NOT back down, if at that age he isn’t obeying its only going to GET worse… as he enters adulthood, you have a GREAT amount of TIME ( thankfully ) to Correct and teach THIS Child —- Before he grows up and enters LIFE … Start NoW… Reward after a few weeks but he owes YOU much Chores before he is Allowed the PRIVILEGE of gaining a Monetary or A fun Outing … Enforce and stand Firm — I followed the Bible ( spare the Rod spoil the child) - But, At that age Usually taking away FREE time or Time with friends or any electronic Entertainment would most likely work!
I have a 14 year old & i never use sports to get her to do anything. I take her phone, TV, Apple Watch & other privileges away. I would NEVER threaten her with removing her from sports. What’s 1 thing that she loves doing? Does she have something coming up that she wants to do (aside from sports)? Take those away. Yes she’s going to throw a HUGE attitude & say she hates you, but at the end of the day you’re the parent & the adult. Dont let her run over you & dont back down on your punishment in taking those events away.
Divide the chores between everyone. When they get frustrated or are not motivated I help them. Sometimes Ill do it so they can see how I want things cleaned and organized and they’ll do it. My girls are 9 & 6. The older one is 18 already I did the same with her when she was younger. So she knows how to do it on her own.
My 16 yr old was same way we went to dr got her on some anti depresent/anxiety meds and she’s been doing better alot of her issue is teenager years and loosing her father at a young age now when she wants to do something i simply request something from her first like a new piercing i said bring me a/b honor roll
Threaten her with something you can follow through with, then follow through, period! Threats are just that if the teen knows you won’t do it.
We are going through this with our 15 year old so I have no answers, bit I can tell you you’re not alone.
Single mom with 3 kids. I never gave each a chore. They had shared chores. I did not care who did what as long as it was done by the time I got home from work. My part was washing cloths. If they did not do theirs, I did not wash. And nobody went any where, just for fun.
My nephew (only child)complained my sister makes him clean the bathroom and stuff and was getting strict about his room. He literally thought it was unfair because he was a just a kid. I asked him if he always planned on living at home. He said no, and was somewhat confused. I asked him who was going to clean for him. He said he never thought about it. I told him he needed to improve his cleaning skills. And it was not a good idea be lazy about cleaning because when he is an adult nobody will be telling him to clean or doing it for him. And nodody wants a slob for a boyfriend. He said he never thought about that. I told him his mother did. She wants you to be able to care for your self. He puts a bit more effort in to it, but still needs some work.
I had the same problem…i took everything away…it took months but they finally decided having no phones, tablets, tvs, or friends wasnt that much fun no more.
My 14 yo boy is almost as bad I’ve gotten to the point where if he isnt contributing to chores without a fight he can have a sandwhich for dinner . Everyone else does chores he needs to as well. I’ve taken his phone that works best. Grounding maybe? Good luck
14-17/18 is the hardest age for girls I noted. She’ll get over this stage (hopefully). Mine wasn’t that bad but she had attitude as well. Take away phone, computer, going out and everything she can hurt the most. Once I took the phone away since September until April and she was kissing my butt until she got it back 
Threatening to do something and actually doing it are two different things. Maybe she’s figured that out?
All parents in this generation is having this problem!
Follow thru on your threats. All the threats arent going to matter if you never go thru with them. They know you won’t do it so why should they obey you
Parenting has skills. Wisdom…you parent you arent their best friend…grow up and parent no respect for wimps…who is controlling who…kids bull ying parents stop it!
Do you just threaten to take things away or do you actually do it? If you don’t do it, then that’s the problem.
Take everything away… leave her with basic clothing and toiletries. Then she can earn back everything else, including make up, electronics…a little at a time.
As mom of 7 ( blended family) kids ages 17 to 10 we have had our daily struggles with chores. It’s hard not wanting to be that " mean " mom but sometimes putting your foot down is what is needed. I have taken my kids toys, electronics, etc til they get them done some still have not gotten them back due to not listen with chores and attitude that they have.
They always say parenting is not easy and they are right. What you do with one kid will not work with the other (s) . It’s honestly trial and error process
When my 13 yr old got like that I made her go to see a counselor. She refused to talk during sessions. This went on for 6 weeks after 6 weeks she would talk to me do whatever I asked of her. Every time she would start to act up I would tell her I was calling the counselor to set up appointment. Works every time.
It’s the age my 14 year old is the same way
Don’t just threaten to take things away!! Do it!! It’s only going to get worse if you don’t control her now.
unpopular opinion, but facts are facts; I got my butt whipped more times than I can count and I’m still alive. oh, and I’ll be 25 in 3 months and if I have to, that’s how I’ll be raising my children. my 2 & a half year old already loves helping me around the house.
Tell her its either pay cash or pay with doing chores! Living for free isn’t an option! Might work.
Its gets worse 
jk it will get better. My daughter is almost 17 and has started cleaning her room without me having to ask her or tell her to. I know its frustrating right now but it will get better i promise.
Well, first of all, if she didn’t want to do her chores, like she’s supposed to do; I would do more than just take her goodies away from her; I wold also give her the best butt whooping, that she’s ever had before… just sayin’…
First off stop the threats…if you tell her consequences for her actions or rather lack there of …follow through …had a similar situation with my daughter…asked her over and over to do things …then i moved up to telling her to do things instead of asking…neither worked…she ended up with nothing but a bed, pillow and blankets in her room …didn’t matter to her one bit…but she so very much loved wrestling…so I advised her next time you are off the wrestling team…apparently she didn’t take me serious…she no longer wrestles …problem solved …
It’s not about being mean. Parent first… If you give her a threat follow threw with it let her know you mean business. She may not be happy with you now but in the long run it will pay off. Imo if you cant follow threw with the threat don’t give them because they know your all talk no action.
Stop with the threats don’t mention what you’ll do if she doesn’t and just do it. Go to her extra curricular activities and sports and pull her out on your own. Take her friends away your the mother not the friend it’s not her way household doesn’t revolve around her she doesn’t pay the bills. Teach her to respect what you say without lip
If you’re going to tell her you’ll make her quits sports stick to your word and do it. Maybe she’ll start listening if she knows you mean business. Kids these days feel like they can just do what they want and there are no consequences.
Don’t threatened the child just do what you say your going to do. If you say your going to take her out of sports then do it. If all you do is talk about it then she knows to call your bluff. Make it happen.
I was like that at that age. I was diagnosed with severe ADHD and anxiety in my 20s. The symptoms are more subtle in girls because most think of it as a boy problem.
How is pulling someone from sports useful. If my parents did that to me I would ha e gone off the rails
For once MAKE GOOD ON YOUR THREATS! She doesn’t do anything because she knows all you’re doing is threatening her,and you don’t mean it. Kids HAVE to be taught there are consequences for their actions and decisions or when it comes time for them to make decisions out in the world they’ll likely choose the wrong thing because they don’t think they’ll get in trouble. Like Rena Kahler my mom busted my butt. But she also grounded me and took away stuff I cared about. And I ALWAYS knew she meant what she said.
Dont just threaten you gotta walk the walk. She wont take you seriously if you dont follow through
Carry through with your threats
We are living with a bunch of spoiled brats ! Mine included , I’m guilty 
Tell her as long as you li ve here, I make the rules.
All teens in this generation are like this!
Take away her meals…he who doesn’t work doesn’t eat…
Don’t make threats…just remove the things she loves…idol threats are meaningless
Is she a capricorn? My 14yo boy and 8yo girl are the exact same and they are capricorns and the attitude is unreal.
Take EVERY Electronic Away ! Quit Threatening & Following Through !
if you dont do it and just threaten it then they know youll not follow through… actually do something you threaten and shell get jt…
That good way to get their attention!
Unfortunately you cant just say your going to do something you have to follow through it.
Put her in boot camp.
Same here! It’s a battle.
Turn off data and change the wifi. Maybe put the TV on a passcode. They need to earn those luxuries
Sounds like all you do is threaten to do stuff try doing it
Don’t threaten follow through with what you say is going to happen!
Stop threatening to take all her stuff away and actually do it!
You need to make good on your threats!
lol wait till she’s 17
I found it to be more effective if you actually take things away, instead of threatening to do it, once they know you’re not playing their games or feeding into their BS it has a better effect… It will be rough, bc the attitude will get worse but it won’t last but a week or 2. I take things and keep them from them until further notice, once shit gets done without attitude and no backlash for a week or so then they get their things back. And, if they go right back to the same thing after getting their things back, bc some kids will play the hell out of you and will start to act right only to get their things back, I take away again, but for even longer… My now 14 yo, who at the time was 13, has an obsession with his PS4… Well, he started getting mouthy and started refusing things that used not to be an issue, well 6 months after losing his PS4 for his actions, he straightened up, took that long for him to realize I was not playing. Now he does what he’s suppose to when he is supposed to do it and he listens. My 12 yo is currently restricted from everything due to getting into trouble at school more than once from August to November, he has just in the last 2 months changed his behavior for the better dramatically, so he is slowly getting privileges back… And it’s been affective, very much so, he is still doing great. Kids and teens will be just that though, they’re not perfect and they will act out, but there is a fine line of how much a parent should allow or not. I am not even a strict parent but I will not allow my kids to think it’s okay to run over me, once they think they can they will take complete advantage of you.
Don’t THREATEN. DO. You have to follow through.
Good advise Kristy Furman