Dad should be more involved in teaching her respect but I think you have taken the right approach. It sounds like you’ve still been kind, loving and mothering and that’s what you want your children to see. I think this is something lots of parents and step parents expiernce when kids come home after a visitation at the other. I think she needs to see that your husband isn’t going to tolerate the disrespect.
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SO needs to talk to her with you present.
Your husband needs to talk to her about being respectful. I don’t expect my partner’s kids to love and adore me but I expect everyone in my house to be respectful.
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Shes old enough to give her the same treatment as she gives you. Let her get a taste of her behavior. First & foremost, DO NOT act with any authority, that’s her parents place & remember, no ass kissing.
Maybe a sit down heart to heart with her teenagers are wicked hard so much going on with them already then a huge change like moving plus a pandemic maybe she needs to vent
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let her be. she’s a teenager.
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Stop trying so hard, let her come to you. She is going through a lot
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I’d ask her straight up women to women what the problem is cause this shit ain’t working and I’d really love for it to work so we can do all the things we should be doing. " I wouldn’t sugar coat it or try to be nice I won’t be mean either though. I’m sure her mom is doing a great job on her end helping the situation…
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she will when SHES ready…you cant force and if you push and push youll push her away…give her space and time
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Let it play out. She is hormonal and going thru living arrangement changes. She shouldn’t be made/forced to be your best friend or talk to you but at the same time she should NOT disrespect you. Just do your best on your part and she’ll come around.
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I mean… leave. If you’re being disrespected in your own home, then you discuss with her father that if things don’t change, you will leave. Bc as his partner, you also deserve respect.
Do to her what she is doing to you. If that doesnt work then start doing things that you know she likes and would love to take part in but she cant unless she has a parent with her
Love her through it. You will have teenagers some day and they will be funky toward you. As a child of a divorce and step situation, just be there and continue to make efforts to treat her like your own. You are sowing seeds in her even if she is not responding. Love her like Jesus. Throwing in the towel is not an option when you’re married.
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You should ALWAYS be the bigger person… she’s a child!! That age is tough! You need to be WAY more patient or just leave because if you’re already considering it then maybe she’s right to ignore you! Seems like you’re just not invested
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I think your significant did try. You said he spoke to her. He can’t make her attitude change especially at 14. It’s frustrating and the more you stress over this the madder you’re getting. Not sure what your family time is but maybe do some fun things together like game night, movie night, craft weekend, and so on, to show your fun side. Otherwise, patience is all we have to get us thru these teen years.
You’re doing great ! keep being the bigger person! But common respect and politeness should be taught to her. Please and thank you aren’t only said to mom’s and dad’s. Her father does neeed to teach her to respect people in general.
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Please don’t ignore this child just because you’re feeling salty. Is how she’s behaving correct? No. But kids act out when there is something going on in the background that you may have no knowledge of. Don’t cut her out of her own family and alienate her. Even if she pretends not to be listening, she’s still hearing you. She’s still seeing what you’re doing for her. And one day, when she’s grown, she will thank you for loving her when she was her most unlovable.
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Sounds like an adult meeting needs to happen- SO, ex, you, and a family therapist to understand how to best help your daughter. She needs to learn how to express feelings in a more appropriate manner… and all adults need to address consistent consequences for inappropriate behaviors- no matter what house she is in. Adults need to all be on the same page… otherwise- bad behaviors will be reinforced and maladaptive behaviors will not serve her well in adulthood. Family meetings- look up Adlerian family meetings- and look into positive discipline- could help take emotions out of the equation for all of you. Hang in there. Maybe consider individual therapy to help you process your fears/ concerns.
She’s 14 so to me, with your husband on board, I would treat her like she is treating you. She ignores you, you ignore her. She can cook, clean, get from A to B all on her own. If she wants to act like you don’t exist, then don’t.
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Family counseling. Your husband is YOUR partner in raising children and if she is allowed to treat you in ways he wouldn’t allow your bio children that isnt partnership at all. And it isn’t emotionally healthy for anyone. Yes love her through it and don’t single her out, but at 14 she IS responsible for her attitude and how she treats people and obviously your partner and her bio mom arent helping her mature in that way by ignoring her obvious issues. You are HER parent, and you are HIS wife. If he immediately jumps to her defense in ways he wouldn’t for your bio kids that’s a huge issue. Allowing this to go on will foster resentment for everyone, including the other children. Family counseling is my biggest suggestion. If she has issues with you, or if she’s just feeling abandoned or angry she needs to be TAUGHT how to Express and deal with that. And you and your husband need to learn ways to always be United in parenting, not divided. Your children shouldn’t have the power to affect your relationship. Blended families are hard, you can do it! But you certainly can’t do it alone. And you shouldn’t be expected to just smile and nod
Teens are like that. Just ignore her and let her parents deal with her. You are doing what you can.
I’m a step daughter who treated my mom like crap as a teen💔 my real mom passed away when I was very little. Alot of the time it was more because I was sad . Unfortunately it was not until I had children of my own i realized what an amazing woman, mom th a t she was and still is! Teenagers are mean because they are not good at expressing themselves…all u can do is be a mom figure…try not to let it get between you and your husband. Talk about it to him yes. But don’t force him to get angry. Take her for a girls day every once and a while. You know mom and daughter things. It will get better. I wouldn’t give my MOM, that’s what she is now and always has been, for the world…she stepped up and stepped in when she didn’t have to and help raise two kids that weren’t hers as if they were her own and no matter how mean we were or the time we made her cry she never stopped trying and always was are mom😉
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It’s when we are the hardest to love that we need it the most
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Uhh just what do you think will happen if dad puts his foot down?? She’s 14. She is apparently doing the obvious I hate everyone after the parent split situation… Its normal.
If your SO gets stern on her abt respecting you she’s going to rebel right back.
You’ve got to find a way to connect to her on her level. Who is she? What is she into? Any current boyfriends?
At the very least if she that stubborn you could have a heart to heart with her and let her know if she ever wants to talk abt stuff your there, but for now you would appreciate a mutual respect in your house. … If you push she will act up more just move slowly and be patient.
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It’s been almost 10 years why have you not bonded her? You’ve known her since she was 4
You can’t force love/ like etc. But you and DAD should be demanding respect. Any child in my home will treat adults with general respect. Yes please. No thank you. Always answer when spoken to and no back talk. Its not too much to ask. And its teaches her to be a respectful person.
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Why are people so awful to step moms . Just do your best she will include herself eventually. Just be happy for the silence 
continue being an awesome mom and if dad can’t correct what is not right dad can take care of his own situation . All the best just continue living ur best life , when they see u doing good they want to be included
Give her space and time. She’s going to feel conflicted and that being nice to you is being disloyal to her Mum. Her Mum may have also filled her ear with nonsense too. Don’t try so hard either. Let her be the moody teenager and let Dad decide (for now) what is rude and what isn’t.
Vanna Chanthanakhone read this
I would suggest maybe some family counselling as well as not saying “she ended up with us”, sounds like she got stuck with you and not wanted, maybe change the wording you use when you speak about her or with her as well. It’s got to be a tough situation for the dad and also remember she’s 14… lol they aren’t easy to deal with anyways, she’s probably going through a lot so try not to take it personally…
Tbh I can’t give you a an opinion. I’m only hearing one side hear. As a step child myself, my step mother and I had a lot of differences (I won’t go into detail). But from the outside world, people thought she was an amazing step mum but in reality, there was major differences
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Girl I have the same problem, the only difference is it’s not even his biological daughter, and in his eyes she does no wrong
It makes me sad how it’s voiced “she ended up with us last year” which sounds more like you “have” to have her and put up with her. Just a thought. Any kid will know they are being tolerated not loved and valued.
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Do NOT ignore her or quit doing things. That just shows you’re NOT being the bigger person. She’s a teenager & as someone who hated my now ex stepmom growing up i definitely got treated like the terrible step child. Y’all said you have had troubles before so we don’t know what you have done or said to her so she might have a valid reason to not like you 
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If he wont back you up, just give up
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If you insist on staying, focus on YOUR kids. Eventually she’ll either get curious or your stress will go down by not worrying over her and her shit attitude.
Sounds like my 16 year old daughter to her step-dad. For 2 years, she only called him “person”. We don’t expect her to call him “dad”, but at least use his name! Show SOME respect! He’s ready to kick her out the day after she turns 18 if this continues. She’s only semi-polite when she wants something.
Family meeting and she only gets to speak once I’m done speaking. If she chooses to say nothing then oh well. Of coarse the father will attend and we can talk first if not I’m saying my peace and we will be mutually respectful or I act like you’re not there and dear old dad can deal with you. Oh and calling the bio mom to be put on speaker during the family pow wow because she’s not exempt. We are airing this MF’a OUT! Point blank period.
Call a family meeting. Be the adult and tell the spoilt little bitch how it is. Establish clear boundaries and code of conduct for her to comply with whilst she is LIVING under YOUR roof.
Do her like she doing you ignore her. When she asks where mine when you fixed the others something or done something ignore her tell her well I though you wanted to be left alone. If your husband asks why your treatment towards her is different? Say well I’m only giving her what she asks of me to leave her alone.
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tell other that if she doesnt listen to you and he does noyhing about her you just might leave see what he says to that
Give her space, she 14 being shuffled between mom and dad. Tell her you will be there for her when she needs it …but quit doing everything for her
I’m also a step mom and have been in same situation. I just let her go she’ll come around if not her loss. Kids are too disrespectful these days 
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Be the bigger person. Be kind, do what you can and go on. She is probably hurting and confused by her life changing in her teens.
As long as she isn’t rude ignore her actions and hopefully she will come around.
try counseling but choose wisely a bad counselor can do so much more damage than help
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Stop the special treatment,this call for tough love the same respect she gives you like silent treatment give back do as a mother do cook clean and feed her the same you do for your other kids stop brining her up to her dad act like you have no problem with her just go about your daily living and let her figure it out because in the end you will be the villain anyways so suck it up and leave her alone after all soon she’ll be old enough to leave
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welcome to teenager years she can not tell you whats up she dont know either its called hormones my mom would say 13 going on 30 and raging hormones i had no way of knowing what to do and humiliated my parents so many times i am thankful they love me cause i put them through hell
Don’t give uptake her out just on your own keep trying she give up then
My daughter went through this with her husbands children. She did not know their dad before his divorce yet the kids (six of them) decided to treat her as if she was the the reason for the breakup. They treated her like dirt and she bent over backwards to be nice to them. As she was taking two of them someplace they wanted to go to, they started in again being rude & disrespectful. She stopped the car and told them to get out. She was not their taxi driver nor their doormat. She would no longer be disrespected in her own home or car. If they wanted to have a relationship with her she would be there for them, but until that time they could fend for themselves.
They looked at each other and told her that they couldn’t get out because it was a long way to where they needed to be and it was raining. She said they should have thought about that beforehand. They sat there for a few more moments. She then said an apology was in order from them. She would take them to where they needed to go, but unless things and attitudes changed on their part, this was the last time.
The ride was quiet to the destination. The next day the girls came up to her and apologized. It was the beginning of a much better relationship. She told them she wouldn’t put up with it any more. She didn’t leave it to their dad this time.
It’s been 8 years now and their relationships are great.
First, are you and your husband professing Christians? If so, personally you should be in prayer on your knees praying to God to help ease the tension between the three of you, also in prayer together.
Second, going to a solid biblical counselor should be your next step. Just you and your husband so that you can work out things between the both of you in regards to your step-daughter. A biblical counselor will help you look at your situation biblically.
3rd, if you do get counseling, then the both of you should go to your step-daughter and talk with her about the current situation and how, she, as your step-daughter should be respectful and considerate of you. Also, your husband needs to step up and be the leader God has called him to be in your home and tell her that you are his wife and that she is to honor you like she is her biological mother etc…
Fourth, you as the wife and mom set the tone of the home, if there is strife between any of you it is going to be felt within the home by all who live in the home (speaking from experience). I pray everything works out.
But just like others have said, be kind and loving towards her regardless if she doesn’t show the same thing back to you. I pray in time she does 
I pray God will help u & guide u all through this situation.
I’d say as long as she is not disrespecting you. Give her, her space and time. Considering she is a teenager.
Your child should respect adults period. But respect from children you’re raising isn’t optional… dad needs to put his foot down and I would stop doing anything that’s not essential to her living. Let her do everything on her own. Growing up, my mama to say, you can’t treat someone bad and expect them to keep doing stuff for you. No matter who it is. I understand kids didn’t “ask” to be here… guess what, NOBODY has asked to be here. That gives no one the excuse to disrespect or hurt other people.
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Omg, the responses, not all, tell me why this country is in the shape it’s in. Adults be adults. She was in his life first and I’d bet there’s something underlying in her behavior that would be driving these actions. A family court arbitrator could help. She doesn’t have the life experience you have nor the mental capacity. For gods sake, she’s 14. And, I expect to get slammed here.
She’s a child. You are an adult. Counseling? What’s the background for why her family was disrupted? I was never the stepmom, but my children had a stepdad. Her behavior is directed by the relationships she’s sees on a daily basis. Let her father care for her and allow parents to work together to repair the damage. Again, counseling is a great place to start.
Yeah this is the norm… She doesn’t have to accept you being in her life. And in fact she probably won’t.
That’s teen girls for you, especially when there dad is with another woman… not only does she feel like her mother would/should be the only woman in his life, once that ended she figured she would be the only ‘woman’ in his life, but then you came along… Get my drift… It’s gonna be a hard situation but if you want to be with someone who has a child already your going to have to realise that child owes you nothing. At all… She didn’t choose you. She never wanted you to begin with. Your forced into her life now. She might not like that obviously. And at the end of the day she doesn’t have to. Best thing for you to do is ignore her back… remember your the adult, don’t expect too much hey. Sound like you will be wasting your time and hurting yourself trying to fight the situation…
I know you would obviously want to be a caring involved step parent, but you can’t force that on her. She is a teenager, she didn’t consent for you to be in her life so don’t get upset when she shows it 
be the woman you know you are and make the people happy that you know you can. People make them selves suffer fighting losing battles… and I don’t think your gonna win here 
Shes 14! Her life is blown up. No doubt buried trauma. Be unconditionalnin your love and kindness. It isn’t probably even personal. Shes having a hard time?! Gosh I can not believe a lot of these comments:woman_facepalming:t3:
Remember she is 14 Teenagers are pretty much walking hormones. My own teen comes around to hiss and eat… Oh and to complain too… Lol. Hang in there!!! Bit seriously you need to find out if her mom has an issue… If she has problem with you…it might be rubbing off on her daughter.
Give her the treatment she gives You.
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Why on earth would you waste your time and effort. Ignore her. Don’t even answer her if she does say anything to you. Just walk away