My 14-YO Stepdaughter Refuses to Acknowledge I Exist: Advice?

Motherhood
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QUESTION:

"My question is: I have been with my SO for nine years, going on 10 in January, and he has custody of his now 14 yo daughter. She ended up with us last year.

I’m trying to figure out how to deal with her ignoring me as though I am not in the house or I don’t exist. We have had our ups and downs, but it got to where we were cordial, now she has come back from visitation with her mom for a week, and I’m getting the silent treatment.

I have spoken to my SO about it, and in return, he has spoken to her about it. Her response is ‘I have nothing to say to her.’ I do for her what I do for my kids, no thank you, no hello, no nothing. I’m at my wit’s end with her.

I have tried my hardest to get along with her and even became the bigger person with her complete disrespect towards me and let things go to try and move forward, but no effort was made on her behalf.

Dad hasn’t tried or put his foot down with her either. I’m almost ready to throw in the towel and leave. Every time I bring ‘her’ up to him, he gets defensive. Please help as I don’t know what else to do."

RELATED QUESTION: How Should I Handle My Stepdaughter’s Awful Attitude Towards Her Father (My Husband)?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

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“Adopt the Nacho method with her. Not your child, not your problem. If your SO has an issue with that let him know that his lack of support in being an additional respected adult in his child’s life has led to you feeling like you’re not obligated to do anything but ignore her as well and let him parent alone for peace in the household. Family therapy will only work if your partner wants to be a partner with you and it sounds like you 2 are not on the same page which is causing problems. My recommendation is couples counseling before family therapy. You’re struggling more with your partner’s lack of respect/empathy for your position. You’re having a partner problem more than you are having issues with a14 year girl. Teens suck and it’s normal but the lack of support from your partner is what makes you want to quit.”

“Sounds like you guys need family counseling. Idk why parents think big adjustments are easy on kids.”

“I even tried being the bigger person…’ She’s 14, you’re an adult. That statement makes me believe there is a lot more to this than you’re telling. 14-year-olds rarely even like their own mothers. Give her some space and stop giving ultimatums and expecting something for being a parent. She clearly has something on her mind and what you’re doing isn’t going to fix it. Stop thinking about yourself and consider what she needs.”

“She’s a teenager going through a HUGE life transition, with probably her mother in her ear. People need to stop thinking kids should have adult coping skills. it sounds like family therapy is in order, and that poor girl deserves some grace. Not everything is about you, give her some space.”

“It seems like you may not like her for whatever reason and your own emotions are causing the issues. If she has nothing to say to you then what’s the issue? Leave her alone. Imagine not having your mom 24/7. Your mindset is ignorant to “be a bigger person” all because a 14-year-old is ignoring you. Please seek help. Or actually leave.”

“Well first off, you ARE the bigger person. She’s going through a lot for a child and he’s she’s still a child and one with some new hormones if I had to guess. If you’re ready to leave, I’d say this is a ‘you’ problem, not a ‘her’ problem. Drop the ego and try to understand what it might be like to be a 14 yr old with a new stepmom.”

“Do you and let her do the same. Don’t force it. She doesn’t have anything to say…that’s better than disrespect. Sounds like she is dealing with things her own way. Some of these women sound as immature as the child…THE CHILD!!”

“And if you’re willing to just leave over his child then you shouldn’t be with him in the first place IMO. It’s new to her and she can feel the tension.”

“She’s 14 so to me, with your husband on board, I would treat her like she is treating you. She ignores you, you ignore her. She can cook, clean, get from A to B all on her own. If she wants to act like you don’t exist, then don’t.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

48 Likes
2

Sounds like you guys need family counseling. Idk why parents think big adjustments are easy on kids.

28 Likes
3

she’s old enough to understand you treat other people the way you want to be treated I would care for her basic needs and the rest is up to her. And flat out tell her perhaps when her attitude changes so will yours I would also make sure the father is present when you do say so So nothing can be misconstrued later

12 Likes
4

She’s a teenager going through a HUGE life transition, with probably her mother in her ear. People need to stop thinking kids should have adult coping skills. it sounds like family therapy is in order, and that poor girl deserves some grace. Not everything is about you, give her some space.

26 Likes
5

Counseling. But remember she was snatched from her home and is probably coping.

6 Likes
6

Maybe start with you - “she ended up with us” would be a great place to start.

19 Likes
7

Your husband should be thankful he’s not married to me. I’d nope myself on out of that situation. That’s some non spousal support you are dealing with

4 Likes
8

What’s the back story here?? I have always told my children to be respectful of their dads girlfriends. However you don’t need to be friends either. Divorce is so much harder on the kids. As adults we just expect them to suck it up and be happy for us. So not far

9

Ignore her back she will come around, we are hearing part of the story sounds like there is alot of hard feelings on both sides I agree with therapy

10

“I even tried being the bigger person” shes 14, you’re an adult. That statement makes me believe there is a lot more to this than you’re telling. 14 year olds rarely even like their own mother’s. Give her some space and stop giving ultimatums and expecting something for being a parent. She clearly has something on her mind and what you’re doing isn’t going to fix it. Stop thinking about yourself and consider what she needs.

44 Likes
11

Sounds like a typical 14 year old to me tbh :woman_shrugging:t2: that’s how my teenage siblings are and that’s how I was as a teen.

7 Likes
12

She’s a child. Just don’t go out of your way to do anything extra for her. Invite her to go along places with you but don’t be surprised if she says no.

13

Dad needs to be on your side and maybe stop doing things for her until she can become grateful. Let her make her own meals, clean up her own messes, etc. she will come around eventually

14

She’s a teenager, it’s perfectly normal even though it may not be polite. Just keep doing what you do and eventually she’ll come around. Your SO can only do so much, teenagers are tough.

3 Likes
15

Put her and dad in line tbh lives under ur roof she doesn’t need to like u but needs to have respect for u

5 Likes
16

It seems like you may not like her for whatever reason and your own emotions are causing the issues. If she has nothing to say to you then what’s the issue? Leave her alone. Imagine not having your mom 24/7. Your mindset is ignorant to “be a bigger person” all because a 14 year old is ignoring you. Please seek help. Or actually leave.

19 Likes
17

Her dad should sit down and talk to her.her dad should call her out too if she is being rude.

4 Likes
18

Adopt the Nacho method with her. Not your child, not your problem. If your SO has an issue with that let him know that his lack of support in being an additional respected adult in his child’s life has lead to you feeling like you’re not obligated to do anything but ignore her as well and let him parent alone for peace in the household. Family therapy will only work if your partner wants to be a partner with you and it sounds like you 2 are not on the same page which is causing problems. My recommendation is couples counseling before family therapy. You’re struggling more with your partner’s lack of respect/empathy for your position. Your having a partner problem more than you are having issues with a14 year girl. Teens suck and it’s normal but the lack of support from your partner is what makes you want to quit.

70 Likes
19

Why are you upset? She’s 14. How was your relationship before she lived with y’all?

5 Likes
20

14 is a hard age as it is, maybe counseling could help. Having separate homes is hard and having to transition from living somewhere to moving in with you all can take some time.

21

And if you’re willing to just leave over his child then you shouldn’t be with him in the first place imo. It’s new to her and she can feel the tension.

10 Likes
22

Validate. Respect. Comfort. Repeat.

6 Likes
23

That’s pretty much what a 14 year old girl does. Just try and spend quality time with her. Go out to eat or get some shopping done together. Have a conversation about her day and her friends. If she’s not into it then just wait until she comes to you.

1 Like
24

Stop doing for her until she decides to act her age.

10 Likes
25

Just let her know you’re there for her if she needs you. Go about your business and try not to take it personally, if it’s getting to a point that it’s disrespectful and the younger siblings are picking up on it then you have to have a family talk about your expectations with manners and boundaries, if you are doing things that she can do herself then stop doing those things. She needs to find her own way through the tough feelings but it will help for her to know you love her no matter what.

5 Likes
26

I would just leave her be and om sure she will come around in her own time

27

I have a step son the same. Been in his life since he was 4 he is now 16. I only talk to him when he speaks to me. I do not go out of my way for him in any way. I believe you treat people the way you want to be treated. It isn’t ideal, but it is what it is. Good luck!

3 Likes
28

Just ended my relationship to a similar situation but mom isn’t involved.

29

I would also highly recommend a stepmom support group because mom’s that don’t have stepchildren are super quick to judge stepmothers not realizing how truly different the roles are. Actually I would highly recommend a group that I am in of mom’s who are both roles.

7 Likes
30

Shes 14. Id just ignore her back and stop doing anything extra for her. And if let her dad know thats what I was gonna do. If she doesn’t want to be respectful to me I’m not going out of my way for her. Shes old enough to know right from wrong.

4 Likes
31

Just ride with it and keep doing what your doing. Teenage years suck as a parent and as a child. If all she is doing is the silent treatment then all is normal. She will talk to you when she wants to. You’ll be surprised at how much will change in the next 12-18 months.:cherry_blossom:

32

If you leave you are letting her win.

3 Likes
33

Well first off, you ARE the bigger person. She’s going through a lot for a child and he’s she’s still a child and one with some new hormones if I had to guess. If your ready to leave, I’d say this is a you problem not a her problem. Drop the ego and try to understand what it might be like to be a 14 yr old with a new step mom

15 Likes
34

She doesnt have to like you but should def respect you. I would never force my kids to like another “male” in their life but they best respect them.

3 Likes
35

Dude you gotta relax
Blended families are hard on everyone. But more than anyone whether you want to hear it or not. Its the absolute hardest on the kids. They have their own thoughts and a thousand things running through their minds. You cant force anything but just keep doing what you’re doing treating her as if she was your own if you try to force respect youre going to make her resent you more. Ecerytime my son comes back from his maybe once a year if that visits theres always a defiance with either me or his bonus parent. He switches it up but it never changes how he treats him and things always turn out fine because he knows he will always have that stable treatment here and no one will try to buy his love or try to say their other parent is something they’re not. Kids are hard. Teenagers are ten times harder and kids don’t always see stepparents as the same authority as their biological and I know that hurts but it comes with the territory. Please just be patient like you would your own kids . And for those saying wait for her to act her age and all these other horrible things. Children are learning to be people and functioning adults. Even as adults were still learning. Shes never been 14 before and 1 year isn’t a very long time to figure it out. She’ll grow out of it eventually and if you continue just being present and treating her like you treat your own. When she grows up just like any kid she will appreciate and respect you so much more for it.

36

Good luck .
I was in the same spot . His older boy made a harsh comment about our baby that was quite concerning. I tried to talk with my SO about it , and he blew up . He ended up leaving for 2 weeks over it . If it was my boys who had said what his son did … he would have grounded my kids for a week . My boys are this and that while his are Angels in his eyes. I’ve taken a serious step back from his kids due to the way mine are treated. Now I’m the monster. I straight told him , he welcome to leave .

1 Like
37

From reading this, her life has been upside down, not to mention all the hormones that 14 year olds have, she probably doesnt know whether she is coming or going. I’m not excusing her behaviour but this is obviously her coping mechanism and why shes acting up. Sounds like there is bad feeling both sides tbh. Sit her down, tell her you are not the enemy, that you are there to talk to if she has problems or wants to get anything off her chest. Do what you need to do, be supportive and she may come round in time. She is just a child and you are an adult, you are all trying to get used to this situation. Try and not take it personally when she doesnt seem to appreciate you x

3 Likes
38

Sounds to me like her mom is whispering in her ear on her visits. All you can do is continue to offer love and support. It’s hard, but one day she’ll realize that everything her mom has been telling her is a lie.

1 Like
39

Whenever there are things that pertain to my (step) children (I don’t refer to them as that) or the kids in general, I think about how I would want the tone to be if it was me on the receiving end of the conversation. Use empathy and compassion, she’s caught between to households with two separate parents and that’s hard when dealing with already difficult teenage emotions. If you noticed a change when she came back from mom’s you can assume something was said in front of her or to her.
Maybe sit down and have a conversation like she’s one of your friends & ask if there’s something bothering her where you’re concerned and how you can fix it so she feels wanted in your home and your family until. I say speak with her like you would one of your friends because 1) ultimately that’s what you want out of this relationship with her is a friendship of sorts and 2) we speak to our friends differently than we do our family. Stop leaving it up to your spouse, that never works out well, at least in my opinion. Things get misinterpreted, lost in translation, and creates resentment and hurt feelings because rarely is it said the way you would say it or intend. Add in that she’s going to feel like you don’t want to deal with her so you made her dad do it, it all equals disaster. Just my perspective on it to think about…

2 Likes
40

She is 14 after all and I am sure going through a lot. Be happy she at least ignores you, she could be much much worse. She isn’t obligated to you and she may never feel towards you the way you want her to. I would say as long as she is reasonably respectful and decent that is all you can ask for.

6 Likes
41

U need to stand your ground it is time to tell him to take care of his daughter and give an ultimatum. I went through something similar and after 20 yrs I am on my own.

1 Like
42

“She ended up with us last year” maybe she misses her mom. Remember who the adult is here I would never ignore a child or treat them how they treat me. Be the role model. Offer to spend one on one bonding time with her. I take my 13 year old to get nails done and out to dinner just us two when my kids are with their dad. It helps! Don’t give up.

2 Likes
43

Being a mother is a thankless job. Being a stepmom is worse. But the same way you love your kids, you have to love her. Now my definition of love is being patient, being kind, no record of wrong doing. She’s mad at her living situation. You can’t force her to have a good relationship with you and making your husband talk to her is worse. It has to naturally come from him. Don’t focus so much on yourself and your feelings no matter how valid (I’m a bonus mom so trust me I know exactly what you’re going through!) realize that she has not adjusted to the move. You all have a whole family and she might not feel part of the family, not by your doing. I used to run to my husband when I had a problem with his son. I put my foot down and said “no more going through your dad, it will be between you and me and we can work it out ourselves” and that when our bonding began. I don’t know the dynamics of your household but I do think she should have a therapist, someone who can help her cope with transitioning from one house to the other.

6 Likes
44

I’m just wondering…what you’re expecting from her. Are you already getting from your other children? Just wondering if you’re expecting more…

2 Likes
45

Everybody telling you to relax and just let her be must not have step kids or have never been a step child. It doesn’t matter if she likes the situation or not, you’re an adult so respect is a must! She doesn’t have to be your best friend but not speaking, etc is never ok. Please don’t let anyone tell you that this is normal behavior. I had 2 step parents growing up and wouldn’t dare think about being openly disrespectful at 14 years old. Dad needs to step in. He’d have a problem if it was your son doing this to him.

7 Likes
46

She will keep doing what she’s been allowed to get away with. I’m gonna give my little piece of advice, but I have never been in your situation, so take it for what it’s worth. She doesn’t have to love you or even like you, but while in YOUR HOME she should not be allowed to disrespect you. You don’t have to be her friend. I’m not saying single her out and treat her like crap because she’s doing it to you, but I’d get stern and say hey, I’ve tried my hardest to do things nicely in hopes of a relationship with you but if a relationship isn’t what you want I respect that, now you WILL respect me in my home. If she doesn’t appreciate the things you do for her like you do for your kids, she’s capable of doing some of it herself. If you make your kids plates and they tell you thank you and she refuses, she can make her own plate and clean her own dishes off after dinner. Same with her laundry. Take the cell away (if she has one) and until her attitude is better the only calls she can make from that phone are to talk to her mom while she’s with you guys. Make sure she knows you don’t want it to be that way, you love her and you want to enjoy your time with her, but if she’s hell bent on making it miserable you’re prepared to oblige. If your husband has a problem with it because “you’re not her mom” or any bs like that, then tell him not to expect you to do mom type shit for her PERIOD.

47

As a mom of a 14 y/o daughter, most of me just wants to tell you that she won’t acknowledge you until she needs you to do something for her. As far as the silent treatment goes, give her a dose of her own medicine when she is being a butt. But don’t let her get away with anything because “you aren’t her mom” or “she doesn’t have to listen to you”. Then she listens and does what you say or she gets punished by BOTH of you. If your husband doesn’t deal with it quick as her biological parent pretty quickly and punish her for being a brat towards you, he will regret it. Give the kid her space due to her age, but always know what she is doing and up to. I was a defiant 14 y/o girl once and my mom didn’t put up with my shit. You shouldn’t have to either.

48

“Every time bring “her” up to him”… that says it all right there

12 Likes
49

My stepson has lived with us for 6 years now and he still treats me like this and gets jealous over his little brother cause I’m still in the picture and his mom isn’t.

1 Like
50

She “ended up with us” seriously?! She’s a teenager, they all have bad attitudes, just like some stepmoms…

10 Likes
51

Ignore her back that’s a young lady with common sense she’s not a child, don’t do anything for her don’t buy anything for her don’t do any favours for her but set ground rules in your house, clean as you mess,let her do her own laundry and if daddy gets upside tell him to call a meeting and let him be the one setting ground rules between the two of you

3 Likes
52

You’re an adult lol so all of these well, ignore her back comments are just ugh. She’s 14 and you’re an adult.

She probably misses her mom. She probably thinks you’re replacing her mother. She’s going to rebel against you because you just aren’t her mother. That’s not your fault or hers or anyone’s. She’s a 14, hormonal, cranky teenager and unfortunately, you’re catching her crap :woman_shrugging:

Why don’t you guys do dates? Take her to lunch, get your nails done or hair or something she enjoys.

14 Likes
53

You have tried, stop going out of your way, do for your kids let him do for his, If she wants to pretend that you don’t exist, then don’t.

3 Likes
54

She doesn’t have to talk to you. Leave her alone.

10 Likes
55

I feel sorry for her. We all can already tell how you treat her by the way you worded your post. Shame on you.

12 Likes
56

Look up Nachoing. There are groups for it.

57

Some of the wording in your post gives off the vibe that you really don’t like this girl or want her around. “Every time I bring “her” up”, “ended up with us”, “ready to throw in the towel and leave”??? Sounds like you should leave because this family deserves someone more caring and understanding.

8 Likes
58

My stepmom was in my life since I was 2. I am 31 now. We had multiple times throughout the years that we, more specifically, I wouldn’t be accepting of her or didn’t want anything to do with her. Trust me…if you are treating her as your own…it is not something you are doing but something about the way she feels. This will pass but in the mean time please please please dont stop or give up or “throw in the towel”. Maybe take her somewhere just you and her and have a heart to heart talk. Even if she ignores you, be positive and kind and have compassion. She will realize how amazing you are some day and she will really really appreciate the things you did for her even when you didn’t have to.
I eventually ended up going to my stepmom about things that I didn’t even go to my mom about (sex, drugs)…she passed away 2 years ago and was the best stepmother EVER :heart:

1 Like
59

Reading this it feels like I’m reading my own life. Only difference is my partner’s son lives with his mam and has complete disrespect for me and my daughter who live at myself and partners shared home. His son is so bad that he doesn’t even wash himself and he’s lazy at 17 and a ha.f his dad does everything for him. His mother since starting divorce proceedings keeps trying to get him diagnosed with this and that and her new trick is to tell him she’s gravely ill. My partner tries to father my daughter whom does speak up for herself so now I’ve decided after 7 and a half years it’s time I mothered his son and see how he like a what has to be said

60

She ended up with us? Sounds like the change you receive from an exchange. I ended up with? :frowning:

5 Likes
61

Be there for her. Treat her with respect. Be a friend to her, not an authority figure. Let her know you understand how difficult this is and ask her what she wants to do. If you are there and never give up on her, she’ll see it and respect you for it.

1 Like
62

Family counseling. Her mother is poisoning her.

2 Likes
63

Maybe mom is bitter and talking crap about you to causs this. It happens

2 Likes
64

Don’t let it get to you. It’s just her being a teenager. If you ignore the way she treats you she’ll eventually get over it an will mature

4 Likes
65

Let her know that if she ever wants to talk or do something that you are there. Otherwise give her space and let her come to you.

66

The 3 of you need to sit down and have a serious talk. You and husband need to be a United front to the daughter.

1 Like
67

I wouldn’t go out of my way anymore let her come to you . You can’t force anything if she wants to be mad let her be mad, I’d still be respectful and invite her to things, you know be kind. Now if she’s disrespectful ask her dad to deal with it or simply say I’m not like this to you so please stop then ignore her. Why ?throw in the towel and leave… is there more to this story? While I do agree the wording in some of your post :grimacing: sounds like your jealous of her and mean.

2 Likes
68

She’s a teenager and will be alot harder to get to talk to your it will probably take some time. You can’t force it. Obviously the mom is probably putting out her opinion about you to her as well. Just give her some space and eventually when she is comfortable with you she will talk to you.

69

Maybe it’s just me, but I would try reaching out to her mother. I have a feeling that she plays a big role in this.

1 Like
70

She might just be mad and upset about ending up with you. She might feel like you don’t want her there. This will pass. If you leave and it sends a message that you didn’t want her. You didn’t fight for her. This will pass

1 Like
71

I raised three daughters be glad she acts like you don’t exist. 14 year old girls are hard to please. Just continue to be you if you ask her a question or are speaking with her do remind her to respond. It is impolite and disrespectful to not do so when anyone speaks to you. I would honestly say stop letting it get to you ignore it. She may be doing it to get to you and it works. If it stops working it may just stop.

1 Like
72

I am on the same page as Shiann Weiss. Shes 14 and hurting. Just be there for her when she needs you. She might not be cordial but eventually she will come around. Just be patient with her and let her know she can come to you if she needs to and leave it at that.

73

Let HIM have her
This disrespect should not be allowed in your home. Tell him bye, bye.

2 Likes
74

Sounds like standard teenage behavior…but I also think it’s probably super difficult for her to be making this transition. Our job as parents is to love them thru it. This is an “I can show you better than I can tell you” situation”…no amount of force is going to make her respect you or all of a sudden want to have a friendly conversation. Just love her and support her and try to be understanding…unless she’s being overtly disrespectful, I see nothing wrong here, other than some discomfort on your end. While it may be offensive to your sensibilities, she’s clearly having a rough go. Finally, as others have noted… your tone does seem forced and almost inconvenienced. I’m sure that there’s a whole lot that wasn’t shared…after 9 years and about a year living together…if we can read the tone thru your words, I can only imagine the vibes in the home.

3 Likes
75

That’s a huge change and hard adjustment she is probably getting crap from mom that she is the only mom and you’re just dads play thing. Don’t take it to heart

76

She is giving you a hard time hoping you will leave don’t give her what she wants just walk away and act if she didn’t get to you it is a game to her don’t play it

77

Take her out on a girl’s day, just you and her, talk to her and see what’s going on. We all tend to forget how being a teenager feels with all our changing hormones. You also have to take into account the fact that she’s now thrown into a whole other world (living situation) and has to learn how to cope with the change and the new “normal”. I mean us adults have a hard time with change, especially big ones, and to a kid/teenager it’s even harder because learn all the new rules and learning other people’s boundaries. So just take her out on a girl’s day, spend some time with her and try to talk to her and let her know you can see she’s struggling and that it’s okay. We all have emotions and we’re okay to feel the way we feel but also let her know she doesn’t have to be alone in what she’s feeling and that she’s okay to come and talk to you about her feelings. We all need someone to vent and talk to and she seems like she needs someone especially now with all the changes. She seems like she needs a lot of love now more than ever, she might be a little harder to get threw to but don’t give up, she will appreciate all your efforts later on. I really wish you the best of luck.

78

Ignore her back, works everytime. And people can say its childish, but I guarantee you it works.

6 Likes
79

Sit down with her and explain that her disrespectful behavior toward you needs to stop you will not tolerate it in your house. Tell her that you may not be her mother but you still need to be respected in your home.

80

You cannot force anyone to like you nor talk to you at any age. To do so will only cause further resentment. She is a teen, if she doesn’t want to talk to you, she won’t. She honestly doesn’t have to acknowledge you. Saying thank you would be nice and should be done BUT you can’t force her to say hi or speak to you. You should consider her feelings towards you as well. If she doesn’t like you and doesn’t want to speak to you then obviously the silence is better than arguments or blantant verbal disrespect. I was always told if you can’t say nothing nice don’t say nothing at all. Leave her be. If she comes around wanting to talk then engage. Doesn’t matter how long you’ve been around. You can’t force people to like you nor speak to you if they don’t want to.

8 Likes
81

I’m glad you were able to try being the bigger person with a child.

82

It happen to me too years ago she was 14 too.She took advantage of me,so i tried everything to get her closer to me and that did’nt work so i was at my loose ends so moved out and got a place for myself but we went out together still till she moved from the house and now we’re living together since 30 years and very happy.The best thing that i ever done for myself away from drama.

1 Like
83

Get you a video camera without nobody know, catch her in the act and then show it to your husdand. He don’t get it, start saving money n pack your shit n get out.

84

If you get along with her mum try talking to her even go out for coffe so she can see. She will come around eventually.

85

Well think of it like this maybe just maybe she is stuck in-between a rock and a hard place. You maybe don’t know what her life is like being shuffled between homes like a hockey puck. She probably thinks you don’t want her around, her mom has her own feelings about dad moving on, leaving her alone. And how much quality time is she getting from her dad? Plus she is a teenager and hormones!! She is the pawn in all of that. It isn’t her job to like you, it’s your job to love and accept her. She is the constant you are the addition to the equation and also the adult. Treat her with dignity and respect. She isn’t talking to you, that is a lot better then her attacking you and saying mean and hurtful things. Personally, It sounds like you need to let her be and just be a support. So she knows if she needs to talk to someone she can.

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86

She’s being a bratty teenager. Don’t let it get to you. Continue to be civil to her and ignore her lack of response. Your partner is stuck in the middle. Don’t make him choose. It isn’t fair. She’ll come good in time. This is the biggest thing to remember with teenagers. You just keep loving them and caring for them when they are unloveable.

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87

stop treating her like u treat ur kids. shedont wanna talk or acknowledge you then do the same to her. she wants to be a brat well be one bigger back amd she her who will win.

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88

Kill with kindness…there could be trauma she could miss her mom and be mad. Show her it doesnt matter. Ignoring her wont helo

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89

Do you and let her do the same. Dont force it. She dont have anything to say…thats better than disrespect. Sounds like she is dealing with things her own way. Some of these women sound as immature as the child…THE CHILD!!

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90

So my husband also got custody of his two kids and it has been a learning process, but don’t just give up. There was obviously a reason your husband got custody. Her feelings are probably all over the place, maybe take her on a girl’s day. Just y’all two and let her know you are there for her anytime she needs you.

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91

The fact that youre willing to “throw in the towel” is sad on your part being a parent to a teen isnt easy for anyone you need to take a step back and see that things are not easy for her either while you may have been around 9 years but the thing is this short year just isnt enough for her to feel “at home” yet stop pushing for her to be your friend and just try to be her step mom thats never an easy roll to play so dont push it she will come around you dont truly know whats going on in her head with this bew change

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92

Good luck what ever you do, it sounds like she has no personality! Ignore her and enjoy your children.

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93

I have a very similar problem with a 14 year old girl and her stupid mother as well. I feel for you. It’s heartbreaking. I have no answers yet. Hope that time will change things. But with Biological mother making it impossible. I can only hope. I’ve been wanting suggestions myself.

94

I take care of my husband’s 2 oldest children and the second youngest is against me but he’s 7
And when he doesn’t listen to me I don’t give him what he wants

When his father doesn’t do anything about it I do and if doesn’t work I tell my man the. He can deal with it
I have taken off for a drive before because I got so so mad I took our child and didn’t get home until 7am
I’m personally not the person to mess with when I’m angry and when iv had it with his children I take off for a few hours so he can deal with them him self

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95

Ignore her right back :woman_shrugging:

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96

She was taken away from her mom last year and I’m gathering you and her dad had something to do with it … there’s two sides to every story and sometimes a third side and the simple fact that you said "I’m trying to be the bigger person " at the end of the day she is a teenager who had to leave her home and is now stuck living with you and her dad . Nine years or not there’s a reason why she shows you disrespect just like how i was with my step mom .

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97

Find something she wants to be a part of.
Dont ask her if she wants anything to do with it, just happen to be doing whatever it is when shes walking thru or around. Make it seem interesting. Shes gotta believe it was her idea, not you luring her in :joy:
And work from there. It starts a dialogue and gives you two something in common. Dont try to be ‘mom’, go for ‘cool older auntie’ vibes.
I’m that older friend who gives all my friends little siblings the honest blunt truth, I talk to them like ADULTS. Age and mental maturity are two different things.
Be a friend to her first and work your way from there. Psychology says to share something intimate about yourself and others are more likely to divulge things about themselves which makes an instant bond.
Be what you needed as a grumpy, angsty, smartass teenager and you got it.

98

Have you tried speaking to her directly? There’s a reason she’s doing this. Whether it’s something you did, your kids did, her bio parents did…she’s upset about something. People don’t just ignore someone’s very existence just because, especially since you got to a point where you were being cordial. Did she WANT to change her living arrangements? Were things with mom not safe? Is mom blaming you for this change? Teenagers are hard, I get it but she’s clearly going through something even just custody switching is difficult. Speak to her to see what YOU can do to make this better. She’s a child, you are an adult and in the position of a parent. Listen to what she has to say, listen carefully feel where she is coming from, push for more than cordial. Nobody wants to live like that, I guarantee you she doesn’t. It’s not a good feeling. Also, it’s not uncommon for parents who were just “visitation parents” to not want to punish or anything because they carry guilt for not being there as much as they should. I think you all could use some therapy honestly. Individually and as a family. I’m sure this feud you guys have is making people take sides and form their own opinions without even communicating as a family unit. The whole thing sounds incredibly toxic.

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99

Sounds like normal teenage behaviour to me! My bonus children and biological children all did the exact same thing it had nothing to do with being a teenager is hard! We are the people they get to take it out on because they know we will be there for them no matter what. My 20 year old was the easiest out of all my kids growing up and I just knew that when she became a teenager it was going to be easy-peasy Then she met a loser boy and I lost my daughter for about a year but she came back and that boy is now gone thank God. We had a rough few years but things seem to be simmering down now. The still act like know-it-all adults sometimes but I wouldn’t trade them for all the money in the world and In some ways I think we are closer than ever.

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100

Ignore her back. Ugh. Disrespectful child.

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