He walked out of my daughters life when i was in the first trimester of pregnancy and just popped up out of the blue went to get his GED and now is a fire fighter and would like to meet her. He was abusive and cheated on me multiple times but when I found out I was pregnant I left. But now he popped back up how do I handle the situation what should be some stipulations ?
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Mke. It a supervised visit for a few hours.
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Nothing screams stupid like waiting til you’re pregnant to leave.
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If the dad bettered himself why not let the dad be part of her life, he maybe did it for the better and actually wants to be part of her life.
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If his ready to step up like a man and be a dad to his child then you should let him
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Honestly with the way this is written its very contradicting. But if he has bettered himself you shouldn’t be bitter. And let your daughter have her father.
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Just visit…dont make it complicated.
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Make sure you let him know beforehand that you’re weary to trust him but if he has worked to better his life then let him prove to you that he can be a good father. If you notice any red flags, immediately discuss them instead of letting things add up and make sure you’re always on the same page. If you decide that he hasn’t changed, then you have the right to stop her from seeing him.
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Dont let him have her alone until he proves he is going to stick around and not just disappear, but it sounds like he grew up and is wanting to right his wrongs.
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Supervised visits im thinking
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He’s got his GED, now firefighters. Came to you.
Small changes sit down a have an adult conversation tell supervised at first, and talk about Getting child support started.
People can change especially if they really want to.
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Make sure to be in a public place as well with help like a restaurant.
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You said he left and then said you did, so that’s confusing to me. How old is the child? If he really did better himself, you need to let them have a relationship because if you don’t and he takes you to court, you may not like the outcome even more.
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Be cautious
Just because hes in the field to protect people doesnt mean he has changed once behind closed doors and firemen are known to be the biggest cheaters out there next to cops and military so dont fall back into his arms like a sucker stay strong. I wouldn’t let him be with your daughter alone. Wait until she is comfortable with him. Whos to say he wont bounce again after he gets a taste of a toddlers tantrums… just be cautious
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Use caution in this encounter
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He bettered himself so I am going to assume he’s a changed man. Now if he didn’t I’d still be questioning.
Give him a chance. It is his daughter too
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I honestly would let him meet her, but I would also take someone with us to make sure we’re not alone and also make sure it’s in a public place as well and then after that if everything goes well do supervised visitations
A relationship between them will be healthy to her give him a chance,its not about you and him its her Daddy girls want a males attention especially a Daddy!
I would give him the chance. A little a time, supervised and work your way up.
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Supervised visits with you, go to lunch or something for a few months so the baby is comfortable around him. Then let him take the baby to lunch alone for awhile before overnights. He needs to learn about her daily routine and she needs to be comfortable with him
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Start small meet in a park or if you are comfortable at your home. Then once she knows him go to longer or alone visits
Be careful, once an abuser, always an abuser. Keep him at arms length and I would request supervised contact until he proves himself capable
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The fact he cheated on you doesnt mean he will be a shitty father. I think it will be worse when she gets older and asks why her father isnt in her life and you say its bc he cheated on you so you didnt let him see her. He doesnt have to have ant relationship with you now that you arent together. Be adult for the child please. If you’re worried he will abuse her then ask for supervised visits. But just bc he wants in his daughters life doesnt mean he wants to have any dealings with you. He shouldn’t have to visit with you to see his kid. You trusted him enough to make a baby with so trust him to be the father YOU made him.
have to ask yourself is this for me or the child?
Lawyer up. Fuuuck that.
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This is a weird story
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Give him a chance,but have the meetings on your terms.
Forgive but don’t forget, we all have skeletons in our closet. People can change, hopefully he changed for the better. Just proceed with caution and look into good legal counsel in the event you need it.
Sidenote- don’t leave your child alone with him until you are comfortable and know she is safe.
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Meet with him by yourself. Never let an abusive man around your child, you need to make sure he’s actually changed.
If he’s taking that step and messaging you and wanting to step up now … give it to him because not alot of father’s would do that. It seems to me like he’s grown up and realizing his wrongs so I wouldn’t make it hard on him … but at the same time do what you feel is best not for you not for him but for your daughter. Meet at the park or a common spot for the first couple of times until she is comfortable enough going alone.
I agree with the meet and greet idea…she needs to get to know him…and so do you actually…(he doesn’t sound like the person you once knew !!) However no overnights for quite some time. Overnights for a child can be traumatic if they do not know the person extremely well…You do not want to damage her feeling of security by trying to be a “Fair minded mom”. Allow him to get to know her and encourage a relationship but do not let it move too fast!!
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I would definitely let him meet her depending on the level of abuse. if you think he is a danger than don’t do it. if you think he has changed then proceed with caution. maybe start small and see how he does. don’t just hand her over. good luck.
So did he walk out on you or did you leave? Two different stories in one post. 🤷
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Your daughter has boundaries. You need to communicate her wants and needs also.
You’re feelings about your relationship with him and being a parent should be mutually exclusive.
I would never let my daughters real father meet her ever, he was extremely physically abusive throughout my pregnancy, I’m still scared to death of him, I definitely wouldnt give him the opportunity to do anything to my daughter bc it only takes one time
I’m confused he walked out or you left when you found out ?
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Adult issues aside I do think children should know their fathers as long as dad is not a threat to them. But I wouldn’t let him take her home or out without you Incase he decided to hold her from you, there’d be nothing you could do to get her back. So I’d def pursue court just to be safe in the long run.
Do not leave him alone with her. Supervised visits with you present‼
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Stay Postive. Never ever talk crap about him in front of the child. Even if he is an @$$ hole. Don’t let adult issues cause a problem .Be the grown up. Becareful. Watch closely. Stay strong. Be the best momma.
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My sons father wasnt a part of his life till this may. Our son will be 3 in Nov. I was rly mad and hurt at first, but hes become a fantastic dad and its great for my son
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this story is confusing and contradictory
1st you state he walked out on you
then later on you state you walked out on him
just get a lawyer and a custody agreement
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Let him meet her but bring someone with like a family member or a good friend. He should have a second chance just don’t forget. He’s trying and your daughter should have her daddy in her life too. But id be cautious, he should get the chance especially with so many parents trying to cut the other out it’s sad
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Meet at chuck e cheese make sure you get there b4 him so ur daughter can only leave with you sit somewhere close to the register and try to have fun one step at a time
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You and him may have not worked out back when. Some men do mature with time and can be a better father than they could ever be as a partner. Give him a chance to be a father, you shouldn’t deprive your daughter of her dad if he’s trying to be that at least. You can always decide from there.
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Give him a shot at it! Let him know ahead of time that this isn’t a game and if he goes any long stretch of time without contact then your cutting him off until there is a court order.
My first son has never met his biological father. He’s now 15 and he could careless for the guy.
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I’m guessing she left him after getting pregnant and he didn’t care to stay somewhat around for the baby. But regardless, I would only do supervised visits until you and your little one are comfortable and then just do some small visits from there! Good luck!
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Do it all legally thru the courts. STORYTIME: My homegurl let her ex have visits whenever he wanted but she had her son full time. There was no offical agreement but he was more eferyone other weekend and she had him most of the time. Well i guess he got sick of child support (mom was getting gov benefits and they automatically charge the dad for that) so one day he kept the kid after the visit and made her go thru court to get her son. Because there was no legal agreement the cops couldnt help my friend because the kid was technically with dad. It was a mess and took 6 months to fix.
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Let him see his kid. Stop with the twisted stories.
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I’d say let him meet her but just in case he hasn’t changed or he decides he’s not ready after the visit, get him to prove himself over a few visits before you introduce him as dad to her, it’s just that at this age they are starting to learn what everything is and who people are, just use those couple of get togethers as a safety net around her heart just in case he decides to leave again. Plus you don’t want to confuse her.
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I would just go through the courts and do things legally and request supervised visits. And make sure you get legal custody. She doesn’t know him and he doesn’t know anything about her. Like what she likes to eat, why she’s crying. But I would definitely let him have supervised visits. My son in-law has supervised visits with his mother presence for 6 months. Then my daughter was going to be introduced to her but first the courts ordered that she meet with his daughters mother. They met in a restaurant and talked about and agreed to a schedule and her favorite foods and likes and dislikes. Then she had unsupervised visits but only Sundays then eventually overnights and now vacations. So I recommend that you do it the legal way. Good luck
All adult stuff aside he should meet her. Meet at like the park and go from there. Sounds like he is trying to better his life and fix his mistakes. He deserves a chance to know his child. Take it slow and best of luck.
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I believe it’s never too late to step up and want to be a parent, as long as the want is real. Now is the time to test the waters because she’s still so little, he won’t leave a lasting impression if he nails again. Start small with play dates at the park(supervised by you of course) and take it steps further as he proves himself. Don’t hold the past against him , if he changed let him prove it, if he didn’t then let him prove it. If you are afraid of him because of past abuse then have someone else supervise play dates with you for your safety and well being. But be up front with him from the doors what you expect and the actions that will cause you to cut all ties.
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Go for supervised visits with social services or person you both trust (Male i.e brother uncle father someone not vulnerable i.e female) Where violence or abuse has been issue my advice … TAKE YOURSELF RIGHT OUT THE PICTURE! I was 31yrs old when i met my dad every child has a right to that relationship and every father a chance to PROVE himself … Hopefully his job has helped him grow up… good luck.
Don’t do it he may keep her an then you will have to fight to get her back
He really walked out on your life, your unborn baby really had nothing to do with that. He has every right to met her… with you there. Unless he wants to take this to court. But I personal would still want this in front of a judge. He does have every right to her & if you allow him to have her, he could just take her & fight you for custody.
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Remember people can change big time when they have their lives straightened out. I think it would be great for him n her to meet eachother
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Is this meeting court ordered? If not then I would say " hell no". Everything he put u through and now that he’s got a decent job he wants to be apart of her life, not me. It’s up to you. Good luck
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Custody depends on the state you live in, if he’s not on the birth certificate then he has to prove paternity. If he just wants to meet her then take a friend or relative with you and meet in a very public space. Don’t go to his house or have him meet you at yours. The issue I see is the abuse, if he treated you like he did what will he do to the daughter?? Don’t miss up her life because you think she needs him her life it could cause more damage than it just being the two of you.
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Do you have to? If hes not on the birth certifcate then he doesn’t have rights so he doesnt have to see her. If you can avoid it I would
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He can’t keep her unless he’s on the birth certificate. Just don’t let your guard down, she’s young enough that it won’t hurt so bad if he decides to disappear again. Let him have a good chance, but don’t trust him as he hasn’t gained your trust. He’s only lost it. I would go through the courts after a couple visits and he’s sure he’s ready. Establish paternity, if you haven’t yet, and put him on child support. Set up a visitation schedule.
Go through the courts!
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Meet him first without your child. Ask him what the end game is. What does he want and how he sees this playing out and what are his future plans (for her/with her). Theres no point in him meeting her if it’s a one off thing and he has no desire to continue a long relationship with her. Will he want parental rights? Does he want to make future decisions for her? Does he want to coparent with you? Does he want to be financially responsible for her too? You have every right to make a decision based on any of his answers. Will you feel comfortable letting her go with him at a future time? Every one is right when they say he has a right to see her. But you have been sole parent and her protector for all this time. Stay that way. Protect her rights too. You dont want a pop in pop out of her life person. She deserves a dad that sticks around and not made to feel like she wasnt worth it. Just find out what his deal is. Good luck. All the best and do what’s right for your child. You’re a good mom and that’s all she needs.
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Sounds like he’s wanting to be a father…give the man a chance. .your kid deserves that as well…
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You literally just said he walked out in the first trimester but when you found you were pregnant you left?? How…I’m confused.
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I would go through the courts there is a reason 2 years later he decided he wants to play daddy and I would want to know what that is
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Wait… confused… first sentence you state he walked out on you inn your first trimester… later in the paragraph after stating the cheating and abuse, you say you left when you found out you were pregnant…which is it?! Also… he’s is her father… just because he was a shitty boyfriend doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve the chance at being a father to her…
Fuck him. He chose to walk away. You dont get to choose when being a parent is convenient for you.
Sounds like he had a Come to Jesus moment. Find out why he did the 180 and then have judgement
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He should get to know his daughter. At least allow supervised visits to start since she doesn’t know him.
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Make sure u have ur rights that’s for sure
Go through the courts. And tell them how he treated you. Your daughter has a right to know him. But he shouldn’t have her alone if he may abuse her.
Stipulations? Do you have stipulations put on you as the mother? This isn’t about either one of you and best you realize it now because a court will remind you of that during the custody case that will more than likely be coming.
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What he put you through was a long time ago. People change in 15 years. You’re child DESERVES to know her father! Don’t deny her that. Hopefully she hasn’t been poisoned to hate him throughout the years.
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Wait a minute… he walked out but you left the relationship?? I’m confused.
Is he on the birth certificate? If not then I’d say no…
Buuut. Every child NEEDS both parents…
Buut. . If your concerned… go to the court and have it supervised.
It fucks a child up when men go in and out of there life… they grow up searching for love and accepting it from abusive men because they say they love you.
I grew up this way… except I never new my actual father til my mother passed away. Then he came around and I wanted nothing to do with him… eventually he killed himself and now I have no one. Single mom of 2 boys. I don’t trust men.
A person does not get a GED & bam they are a fire fighter. Do a background check before any agreement to meet is made. Chances are he’s giving you stories & will fill your head with none sense. If not,do the right thing & get a parenting plan. Both Parents have rights & you don’t get to give stipulations that are one sided. I suggest doing your research & getting an attorney.
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You said in one sentence he walked out then later on you say you left ?
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Advice? Walk away don’t let him see her. He hasn’t changed.
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You left him because he was a douch. He didnt walk out on her…you left him. (Good job btw). I’m glad to hear he went back and got his GED and is now working a great job. I would meet him first without the kid and chat. Leave the past behind you and see what he is wanting. Co-parenting is hard and it will be good if your both on the same page. Do you have a court order at all? If not, get one in place. When she does meet him, make it in a very public place and dont leave her alone at all with him. To her, hes a stranger. Your child has a right to have a relationship with her father. Because he was a dick to you, doesnt mean he will.be with his child. But, he also has to prove this to you, and that can only be done over time. Maybe do a little background check and make sure what he says to you is real. But…GO TO COURT. Get that done right away.
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You two need to sit down and talk without baby and set FIRM boundaries. Talk about how this would go ideally for both of you and come up with a plan for co-parenting. He may be a wonderful father despite your history together. Also keep your guard up and begin paperwork to file with the courts.
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Physically abusive then theres no way I’m leaving my kid alone with him. Let him come by and meet up at mc Donald’s or the park for a while. She prob wont go to him anyway for a bit since it’s the hard attachment time frame. Dont force her to.
I would not let him meet her right off the bat. I’d make him prove that he wants to be a dad. Meet with him a few times. Find out why he’s just now coming around.
I’m confused. You said he walked out in your first trimester then said you left wen you found out you were pregnant?? That’s contradicting.
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Smile and be polite.
I wouldnt allow him to take her with out you. Public places only for now.
I’ll tell you right now if you go through the court system he will get the visitation rights they put in place for him and that means over night visits, weekends, 1 summer every year and such. So if you want the visitation to be on your terms than I suggest not going through the court system and you making the boundaries yourself. You meet in a public area and make sure you are comfortable around him first before you bring your child around him. Especially with an abusive past. From experience with the court system where my daughter is today she is so upset with her father and she is 8 and he came into her life at 18 months. I was in my second trimester when we split. This just brings back so much of my past and this is the best advice I can give you. To tell you my honest opinion I would say take your baby and tell him to piss off. Yall will be so much better off without him but ultimately it’s your decision to make. Good luck!
No stipulation its not your relationship with him. It’s for your child. Even if he was an ass in the relationship he had with you I think it still shows something he got his shit together.
I wouldn’t put my daughter with a man that’s abusive
Supervise it. I wouldn’t let them be sown together u til she has had some time to get to know him and be comfortable around him. Good luck!
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Seems like he actually tried to change. Let him be in her life if he wants. Let him show you he wants this.
50/50 no child support. It’s not about you & his relationship it’s about him & his daughters.
She should meet her Father.You & he should try to co-parent as much as possible. A child deserves two caring parents.Give him a chance.If he messes up, then put him in his place. He should also put in his Paternity claim & support his child.
You don’t know him at all; neither does your daughter. He’s not her “Dad.” Handle him like any other stranger until he has proven he’s trustworthy. I would also want to know his intentions. His popping in and then leaving again could be detrimental to your child. You definitely need to have a conversation and then go on supervised visits as you would with any other stranger. Good luck! Hope his intentions are true and he’s trying to make amends!! 
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You can see what this new life has done for him, has he grown has he changed, your daughter deserves a good dad!!! See if he fits that bill… you don’t owe him anything
You don’t have to have a relationship with him. You don’t have the moral high ground to deny you children the right to know their father. Since he has turned his life around, if you keep the child from him it’s your own bitterness and sour grapes.
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He has to prove he can be trusted, by you, to be allowed that access with your daughter. You know 1st hand that he is abusive. The distance could have been life changing, then again, it could be a front. Always follow your gut! If you have concerns, make him take it to court as they will look into how fit he is and he will have to be very committed, to pay for those fees.
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Go through family court or you don’t have a leg to stand on, trust me! Best of luck!
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All good advice already given…if I could add one more thing. Go thru the courts. If he wants to see her,let him file in court. Give the judge all your reasons for concern…it needs to be on record. Please protect yourself and your precious baby
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Do it through the courts though. Don’t just let him meet her. Do supervised court mandated introduction.
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