My 4-year-old would rather play with older kids: Advice?

Hi, I’m looking for some advice. I have a 4yo boy that I struggle with frequently. He is defiant with me (only me - not dad), and I struggle with a lot of simple things like eating dinner, bedtime, etc… But lately, we have noticed he gravitated towards older kids whenever we go somewhere to play (daycare, play centers, etc.) and always wants to play with older kids. He usually won’t play with kids his own age. But he becomes a part of the group instantly like he fits in. These kids are frequently 8-10yr old and sometimes older. I worry that he is going to be one of those kids always playing above his age. I’d love to hear from others like this as they get older. Do they eventually settle into their own age group and stop looking toward older kids that may not push him the right direction?

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4 year old with a 10 year old, I’d say no and if you’re already having problems with rules, good luck when he’s a teenager!

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Take away the extra rewards and give him the basics. Don’t give in to tantrums. Reward only good behaviors. Also stick to schedules as much as possible.

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My son did not get along with peers until college when they grew up. Not uncommon especially for an only child.

Kids always act out more with their moms because that’s who they feel comfort from. It’s how you handle it that makes a difference. My daughter is 3 and loves playing with the neighborhood kids. We live in a quiet neighborhood with a ton of kids. And they all treat her very well like a sister. My son always hung around with adults (family) and older kids. He was mature for his age and is in the talented and gifted program. Nothing wrong with it. Its how you react and handle the situation that will make a difference

Honestly it would be no different if he was playing with a 10 year old cousin. Or a 10 year old brother… if he’s not doing anything wrong or inappropriate I wouldn’t worry

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Mixed age play can be conducive to a child’s learning. I wouldn’t worry as long as the play is appropriate.

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Give your son more choices. You choose 2 outfits, 2 snacks, etc and ask him which one he wants. My son and I seemed to argue over everything at that age. Then I read an article that suggest giving him choices in every reasonable way. We had some rules of course that when I told him he had to do as mommy ask then he was expected to. I even gave him choices on which chore he wanted to do first. He was sooooo much more willing to do what I ask him. I also suggest finding a team sport. My son was my only child and he saw himself as an adult. Team sports changed that.

I would be more concerned with why he is being defiant toward you. Is he being negatively influenced by playing with the older kids thinking he doesn’t need to listen to you? I can only say from experience with one of my brothers, if his defiance isn’t addressed and corrected it can lead to serious problems the older he gets. My brother was defiant toward our mom. As he got older, he hung out with boys 4 years older than him. Long story short. He ended up being tried as an adult at the age of 16. He spent 17 of 25 years in prison. It stemmed from my parents not dealing with his behavior problems and allowing him to hang with older boys. By the way the 3 boys that were arrested with him turned states evidence and they didn’t spend any time in prison. Sucks to hear yet important.

Nothing wrong with him playing with older kids, as long as it appropriate.

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I generally noticed that kids who don’t play with kids their own age, and prefer older kids are a bit more advanced in some ways than those of their own age.

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What’s wrong with that? I never got along with kids my own age and to this day a lot of my friends are older than me.

My daughter always did and does this i think its cuz they are funner and bigger understanding like for example i babysit an 9yr old and they are like best friends they play all day without any issues and happens to be into the same things ect she will play her age but no less then that and selective if its her age

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I have a 12 year old girl who struggled with this a bit as she grew. She still would rather have friends beyond her years and did indeed get into some scary stuff and we had to homeschool and hand pick friends after she ended up in an inpatient mental crisis. BUT… In my opinion the age of the friends isn’t necessarily a problem. The quality of the friend and the content of play and conversation is what matters. I would suggest just watching the exposures and filtering as possible and needed. Don’t interfere too much until or unless needed. Some kiddos are just old souls.

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My son is still like this and always been like this.

. It’s nothing to worry about. He may just like being part of the big kids and he might connect with them better.

I was this kid. By 12, I got along better with adults. It’s probably a high IQ, leading him to want be around people closer to his intelligence. Defiance is also a sign of high IQ. (And mommy is a safe place, so he’ll defy mommy.) I still get along best with more intelligent people. Intellectual challenges are important for growth.

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My daughter is like this she had one bad experience with a mean girl her age and I think since then she stays aways but loves the kids on the street because they are older

My 4 year old girl does this well. She feels shes a lil sister it seems, and they except her. Those are my feelings in this example. Note she has no siblings, and they dont fight over her toys with her lol.

I was like that. Even now most of my friends are 4+ years older than me.

My 5 year old daughter loves following around older kids. Not as much of an age gap as your situation though. She never really played(s) with the kids at preschool and always seemed like she just wasn’t interested in the things they were doing. I think right now it may just be that he is too advanced for the mindset of the other kids his age and trying to learn how to grow up. I wouldn’t worry too much at this age unless the kids he is playing with are doing bad things. Also, my daughter and I “argue” a lot and she doesn’t act out with my husband as she does with me. I went to counseling previously and they said to remember when a child does that they feel safe enough to express those big emotions.

His likelihood of making good friends who help him grow rather than tear him down is no less likely based on their age. Just make sure that he knows his value, same as you would with kids his own age.

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Maybe he’s smarter than other kids his age and feels more comfortable with children more on his intellectual level.

If you allowed him to be apart of grown up things, conversations, etc he might just adjust better with older kids.
It happens. Especially if he’s an only child or the oldest.

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Sometimes kids have a hard time fitting in so older kids seem nicer and easy to talk to

I always gravitated to older kids

It’s normal for kids to do that

I was like that as a kid and still am, I had an older brother and I always hung out with him and his friends rather than my own but where I lived growing up there wasnt any other kids my age except for some boys so I grew up with my brother and his friends… even though school I didn’t have many friends my age I always hung out with the adults and older kids all the way through high school and even my own age now and I’m 21 and I prefer older adults to hang out with… hut I’m more mature for my age and I dont understand or get half the crap the kids my age do it it’s just stupidity and all so I get along with e everyone older than me lol

My youngest has always done the same thing. She 9 now and still prefers older kids. She finds the ones her age immature lol she just doesn’t click with them. She still plays with them at school because they are at her recess. However she thinks alot of them are lame lol Im fine with it. She knows how to behave and the expectations I have of her. I do keep an eye on kids she hangs out with. Most of her older friends, I’m friends with their mom too.

Sounds like you have the male version of my 16 yr old. She always gravitated towards older kids if they were around, or to the boys her age. She was (and still is) defiant towards me. When she was little she’d listen to her father and not me, so I struggled. Her father was a career firefighter, so he was gone on a rotating 24 hour schedule. A therapist explained that I was the parent she felt most comfortable. I was around all the time where he was more of a part-time parent. She had time to learn my buttons, where that wasn’t the case with her dad.

As far as playing with older children, at four, I wouldn’t worry about it unless you see a major shift in behavior. Your son’s interpersonal communication skills are likely more advanced than kids his own age. He may not show the skills, but he is feeding off the older children

My daughter eventually gravitated to kids her own age. But in all truthfullness, if she finds an adult that has the same passions as she does, she breaks out of her introverted shell and dives in.

I could have written this exact post about my son! Everything is exactly right. Wondering the same thing!

My daughter was the same way she always talked to adults over kids and played with kids a lot older. It’s because they treat them better and don’t fight as much I think. The youngest always gets treated like they are fragile you know? I think its genius. Haha. Shes 9 now and has finally settled into hanging out with kids her own age. Once she got into kindergarten she was pretty much playing with classmates and stuff too. Still gravitated toward older kids at the park though. Now she helps the little kids at the park and wants to hold the babies if she sees them at the park. I think it’s just how they feel as they grow. Their interests change.

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Maybe he feels when he is around the older kids he feels more important or noticed by them, compared to his own peers.
I would definitely encourage him to do some more mature things at home.
You also may have a little smarty pants on your hands. Good luck🐥

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My youngest daughter was like that. I recommend just making sure the kids he chooses are good kids that make good choices.
Eventually their peers will mature to an equal level.
For mine it was middle school. Don’t over think your child being mature, they are born who they are.

My 6 year old has always wanted to play with older kids. She does great with adults also. Growing up I always wanted to be around older kids. Be thankful! He will learn how to behave quicker with older kids. Once your an adult it doesn’t matter your age :blush:

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My daughter has always been this way. She’s also an only child and she gravitates toward older children. When she’s around kids younger than her (she’s 6 so 2 3 4 range) she will play with them but I’ve noticed it’s in a more mature way, almost like a teenage babysitter would.

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He may be acting defiant because he considers himself to be older, wiser and more mature than you treat him so he resents that. Maybe if you start telling him how smart he is for his age, how grown up he is getting, etc., he will feel better and respond better when you ask him to do things. I agree that it sounds like u have a smart and gifted child on your hands!

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Your kids school should offer free psychological evaluation’s upon request every school does free of charge. Highly recommend doing that you might have a very intelligent gifted kid. My son was the same way when he was younger Very defiant towards me but very mature. We received a psychological evaluation and they told us he was on the autism spectrum. He just got into a science and engineerSchool. He is very mature for his age (12)

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Is he an only child? My daughter is and she would rather be around the adults or older kids at get togethers. I was also an oldest child (5year gap), and it was the same thing for me too. I was used to being around adults, so that’s what I gravitated towards. I usually stayed with my mom while the other kids played.

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My youngest daughter is the same way shes almost 13 now. Shes very advanced in her thinking. I am able to have conversations with her that are more intellectual than a lot of adults. I was worried too but I let her be and shes amazing! Shes in gifted and advanced programs at school, she holds her own opinion and she doesnt back down. It’s a struggle sometimes but let them be who they are. Be the parent, keep them in line but let them be. They’ll be awesome!!

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My duaghter did that when she was younger. When she was 4 she hung out with the older neighborhood kids. One of the girls was 12 and they became best friend like insperatable. 7 years later there still best friends. but she always has had a hard time making friends. More because she thebshy type though

He’ll be fine. I was one of “those kids” and I still feel more comfortable with people older than me. I’m the oldest of 4 but I was raised around adults. My kids are the same way and they’re just a little over 2 years apart. Everyone is different but as long as he’s safe, healthy and happy I wouldn’t make an issue of it. Good luck

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My daughter was like this, tho it was more that our friends had older kids. She plays with all ages. She like the more mature kids better these days. She’s only 12. And my 4 yr old seems to play with older kids when we go to the park however again hes use to it cause of older siblings. I would just watch to make sure they are being mean. Also I have a 9yr old that tends to want to play with younger kids. Kids his age often dont seem to play with him.

My girl is the same way…we really dont have any problems with her hanging out so far…i mean yeah shes into make up and trying to wear crop tops at 11 but I shut that down real fast…told her when she turns 18 she can buy her own clothes and makeup but as for now I won’t and never will I ever buy that for her…in a sence she is more mature she was raised by all adults no kid contact unless at a park till she started pre k at 4 almost 5

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My son has behavioral issues and only makes friends with older kids as well. I think hes so unregulated that being around other kids who are emotionally still learning to deal with their emotions as well is too overwhelming. I think he likes older boys because he is very bright for his age and they bring a sense of calm because they can deal with conflict better.

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My son is an only child and always seeks out older children as well. I think it’s natural, but I think encouraging them to make social attempts with similar aged kids is ok too. I think it shifted for him a bit when he started school. He’s six now, and for the most part seeks out similar aged peers but at times still tries to mix in with older kiddos too.

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My oldest brother (almost 40) has always been the same way (his wife is even 13 years older than him). It sounds like your biggest issue though isn’t so much him gravitating to older kids as it is you and his dad not being on the same page. You need to be a TEAM in raising your child. You need to have set rules and definite plans of action for when those rules aren’t followed. I know you don’t want to see your baby upset, but you have to be his parent before you are his friend. YOU ARE THE BOSS, NOT HIM.

I always either went with older kids or way younger. I just never got along with my own age group for some reason. The younger kids looked up to me and the older ones treated me like a little sibling, and as an only child, that’s really the only way I ever had friends. I don’t think it’s a big deal, as I always had adult friends as a teenager and these days, making that connection early on can be powerful networking in the future. And I also relate better to some of my employees because I can fit in with just about any age group to some degree.

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Is he a very smart child? My teachers wanted to skip me 2 grades because I was not only smart but intellectually advanced for children my own age… I hung out with older kids but my mother kept me in my grade for fear of not being with children my own age… As soon as I could I hung out with older people still because we were on a better intellectual level… So ultimately hes going to hang around who hes going to hang around.

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He’s just a little more mature for his age. My son is the same way…his words and speech was beyond his years and he just didn’t mesh well with kids his age still being talked to like babies. He is probably bored with kids his age, and finds being around older kids more interesting. I agree…not a huge problem in my eyes, as long as he is healthy and happy, why “force” a relationship with his peers if he’s not interested :woman_shrugging:

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My oldest son was like that… I didn’t put them in daycare or with babysitter so the only friends he had were cousins and kids who lived close to us… he gravitated more towards older kids… hes 9 now and still plays with older kids but fits in fine at school with his grade and with the boys on his football team also his age… but I did notice he will act accordingly… if hes with older kids he acts the way they do when he is with those of his own age group he will act their age… so it doesnt affect him much…

He sounds like he’s very advanced and intelligent which can be difficult as they get bored very easily and tend to be more independent. I would monitor who he wants to be friends with but you can’t really force him to have younger friendships. Also with the not listening Love and Logic has some great parenting strategies specifically giving choices. Smart advanced child tend to want to make their own choices at early ages. So to maintain healthy boundaries you offer the child 2 choices that you are ok with either choice being picked. It can create more work and time but in the end you have a much more compliment child.

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No worries
My adult son did that when he was young and so did my grandson have some older friends
All very intelligent
When he is in a classroom - you will see he will select good friends .
Too many no ‘s are not good . He needs to learn to make choices with his clothes and food.

My son is the same way. He’s 9 now. He’s the baby of the kids but has interactions with cousins his age and younger. My son I’ve learned only likes to listen too, learn from, and interact with people he deems smarter than him. He atomically thinks kids his own age and younger aren’t as smart as him therefore he doesn’t really have any interest is playing with them. He’s nice and helpful to younger kids but kids his own age he can treat badly and talk down to them. He’s getting better about playing with kids his own age the older he gets.

My little sister always gravitated towards older as well. It was because all she was around was older people. She could have full conversations with adult by 3. She heard us all talking instead of kids her age. There is an 8 year age difference. Maybe it’s that kids his age bore him and he wants something different to do with his mind.

My 6yr old son same way I noticed it about 3yrs ago. It hasn’t been an issue so I let him but I watch them and him together. I don’t mind beating a kid up bout my child :joy::woman_shrugging:t6:. I think it’s fine plus when he is with his dad he is around older cuzns so I think my son use to it.

My daughters always preferred older kids rather than same age. My oldest was an only for 7 years and always wanted older friends. Same with my youngest now.
Since they were only’s they were used to dealing with adults so when they saw children it was always the older ones they wanted to play with.
There’s nothing wrong with it.

My daughter was the same way n shes now 39. She grew up a very productive woman. Smart . She wasnt defiant though but always gravitated to older kids. Good kids. Her mature level was higher then her peers

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I always hung out with older kids as well. Also don’t give all your power away to day (just wait until I tell daddy what you did or wait until your father gets home) set rules and expectations and also consequences, but make sure you follow through and stay consistent.

Sometimes behavior issues come from being ahead of your age. I was always hanging out with people older than me. My mentality was above my age. There is nothing wrong with that. Encourage it.

My son never did… Prefers older kids since day one… He’s fine lol maybe he’s just a lil more mature… My boy didn’t like nonsense

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My granddaughter is the same way, even at age 1 she preferred older friends. She had a big vocabulary early and is more mature, so it made sense that she liked older kids that she could communicate with. I feel that your child will benefit from being with older kids. Try not to worry. My granddaughter is 10 now and “still” gravitates to older friends.

I can’t see anything wrong with that. Most kids in our family are like that they want to play with the kid that is older than their own age group. The 2 and 3 yrs old like to play with 8rs old instead of playing with each other while the 8yr old likes to play with kids that are older than him.

I’m truly confused as to why this is an issue? Probably mainly because I’ve always been this way, older friends, older husband… It’s not something I see as a problem.

I feel like older children are usually more kind. Don’t get me wrong they can also be rude. My daughter prefers adults over children. Kindergarten she was In the gifted program. It’s not a bad thing just make sure the crowd your child chooses is good for him!

I can’t wait to read the comments! I too, have a 4yo son (soon to be 5) that only plays with older children. I mean, he will play with his 3yo cousins (if there is a family gathering) which because of this virus has been far and few between. There are neighbor kids in our complex (older children 7-12). If we go to the playground and there are smaller children his age he will play but as soon as the older kids come the smaller ones leave and mine just runs off with “BIG kids.”

My daughter did the same. She in essence was an only child as her brothers are 13-17 yrs older. So being with me she was with many adults and younger teens. Just pay attention and he will settle down. As being defiant make sure you are consistent, believe me they want consistency…

He that more in line with his maturity level? Maybe he’s maturing faster and the frustration from feeling older but being treated like a child causes some of his behaviors? I think the fact that he gravitated towards them is telling you something

My youngest would rather be with his older brother and his friends (4 age difference). And they always included him. Now that he is older, 8, he will play with kids his age. I’ve always thought it was because he was always with just us, more of comfort.

I have a 7 and 11 year old, both girls. Both tend to gravitate towards kids a good bit younger or a good bit older. As long as there isnt behavior/language or anything that you worry about, i dont see an issue.

There is nothing wrong with your child hanging with older kids. When i was a child i always liked being around older kids and even the adults

My nephew is always more defiant around my sis than his dad. Hes around my sis a lot more I contribute our to being more comfortable try to take it as a compliment

I struggle with the same problem. My 7yo boy plays with the teenagers at the park. Sometimes he will play with the kids his age too but he prefers the older ones. We’ve talked to him about it many times but I’m tired of wasting my energy on it now. My son seems to be on the higher side intellectually and the younger kids don’t keep him as entertained so to speak. Also, I’ve talked to several of the older kids he likes to play with and they seem to have a good head on their shoulders so it’s helps ease some of the worries. I think you have to let him learn who he likes to play with more. I’ve also noticed that some of the kids his age are more of a bad influence than the older ones and he’s recognized that on his own.

My son is the same way… kids his age don’t interest him… it’s like “been there some that”. My doc said it’s normal- kids don’t want to share and basically have competition for toys.

My girls are 18 years 3 months apart, my youngest has always felt part of the oldest friends. I’ve never seen it as a big deal. My youngest considers my oldest best friends her sisters

My son is 4plus years old and has always been surrounded by adults and an older sibling. He used to be afraid of kids his age or even younger and would scream at or shun the younger ones. But now, he is slowly opening up and learning to accept classmates his age. He no longer scream whenever he sees kids younger than him. He just hide behind me or kept quiet and froze. Give them time and they will eventually be more accepting of their peers. Not a major issue.

Don’t syou worry I think he will grow out of it and will start playing with kids his own age in kinde or 1st grade. When my son was 3 and 4 he was inclined to older people no I mean WAY OLDER. For example wherever we will go he would play and talk with the parents and grandparents instead of playing with the kids :woman_shrugging:

My oldest son was always like that too. I let him do what felt natural. Now he is 19, and in College. At work he gets along with the supervisors and district manager. He rarely gets along with his co-workers that are his age, they get on his nerves. Lol

Some kids are like that. Lots of times if they are a only child and always around adults or siblings are much older. And some kids are more advanced in play and don’t want to play what younger kids play because it’s to boring.

Possibly he’s smarter then kids his own age and he gets bored with them. Not that he’s smarter then you but he needs big guy attention from dad.

Pick your battles. Pick the older kids and the places. But you mom must stand your ground. It can be a challenge do it with love and remember your mom not him

My grandson did this too …when he was very young say like 4-5 on …he enjoyed playing with kids much older… say at least 13 or 14 even older… but only bc they were playing basketball :basketball:… he loved to play basketball & they always accepted him … he is now 21 & has always went to public courts & played with whoever wanted to play

I was like this and so were my children. I didn’t pay too much attention to it because the older kids made me feel part of the group and that’s how my children feel when they do it too.

To this day I still feel more comfortable with people a few years older than me because I feel I’m at their level.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to play with older kids they can actually learn some great behavior and manners by observing older kids. If the older kids don’t have a problem with him playing then what’s the problem. As long as the kids that he’s hanging out with our respectful kids then you should have zero issues

I’m 19 and I matured quick and always hung out with older kids and eventually I had a lot of adult friends as old as 30s now I talk to people as old as 80s though. I just love the old mind/mindset.

2year old want to play with sister 6 and she shows him new skills all benigit in life skills a little early

While I was always one of the kids playing with people older than me (still am only friends with people older than me) I wouldn’t say its a bad thing. He can learn faster that way

My neighbors son has a crush on my daughter. He’s 7. She’s 13. Chalk it up to not so bad in the big picture

Sounds like he spends too much time with adults. Let him be a child.

My 2 year old plays with mostly kids that are older but will try to play with younger kids too but he rather run and climb on things that the older kids are doing

some people are just mature for their age. as far as the defiant thing, dad needs to back you up and help enforce the rules you set in place. it helps when dad says “do what your mom told you to” instead of sitting back and watching it unfold. it actually does. my husband came into the picture as a stepfather to my boys. they did a complete turn around just by him saying “what did your mom just tell you to do?” and they listen lol 🤷🏼 now i don’t even have to tell my oldest son to help with groceries. when i get home, he has his shoes on and meets me outside.

My daughters have always been attracted to older girls. My kids are also or I would like to believe smarter then the average age

I have a granddaughter who is the opposite she goes towards the younger not her age and she is 17 but has always been like it

Maybe his more intellectually advanced than kids his age and relates to the older kids more?

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When he starts school he will be forced to be with kids his age. Most schools separate them based on grade.

All my kids were like that… When they start school they all made friends just fine and had no issues🤷

Some kids just like older kids especially if he is the only child and around adults a lot

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I think it’s a personality trait. I don’t think you can change who he feels comfortable with.

My nephew loves spending time with his older cousins ages 6 to 15

I did this because I was smarter than kids my own age. kids my age picked on me badly because i didn’t fit in with them.