My 4-YO Daughter Says Kids Run From Her at School and She Has No Friends: Advice?

Motherhood
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QUESTION:

"My daughter (4) started school in September and has come home saying that the other children are running away from her and that none of them like her.

Obviously, this is upsetting to both her and me. I don’t know how to comfort her as I tell her she does have friends, but she pushed back at this.

She’s so sweet and kind. I don’t understand why the other kids don’t want to play or be friends, and I don’t really know how to approach the situation? I don’t want her to be lonely at school."

RELATED QUESTION: How Should I Handle My Child Being Bullied at School?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

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“My little one told me the same story when he started preschool. I went to school and visited for the day. Then I learned my innocent and sweet little one was not so nice! He didn’t share toys, he wasn’t very nice to the other kids… he was acting like the boss. It all made sense. We worked on his behaviors and within a couple of weeks, things were better. I’m not saying that is what is happening with your child, but kids act differently in a new setting around new people.”

“I’d privately talk to the teacher about it, see what you can learn. Kids are just mean lil minions, and they set up that pecking order early on.”

“When I was in school if kids were having a hard time making friends, teachers would select a few kids they thought were kind and would make good friends and they started a Friendship Group. We would play games together and we got extra time between recess and lunch to play together. It worked really well and all of us stayed friends until we went to separate schools. Maybe call and suggest something like that if it doesn’t change.”

“Have you talked with her teacher? Maybe, the teacher can inform you of what they are running from! Is she a minority in a majority classroom? Is she clean and well-groomed?”

“I work at a preschool, if she is new it may take a little time but kids usually find friends all the kids usually float from one group to another. Talking to the teacher is a great idea, they can help encourage the other children to be more inclusive. Kids at such a young age don’t usually exclude others deliberately. They are learning how to play together.”

“I agree: talk to the teacher so if it hasn’t been noticed they can see what is happening. The teacher and counselor should be able to help.”

“Did she mention why they say they are running? I think I would speak to the teacher because that is a bit odd.”

“Volunteer, be fun playing with her and other kids show them how fun she can be you’ll get a better idea of what’s going on especially if you volunteer regularly if you can if they see you as a friendly familiar face they will start to feel the same towards her.”

“I would personally talk to the teacher about it. She/He should see more of what is going on. The singling out shouldn’t even be happening. This should be getting attention from all that supervise the children and corrected.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

31 Likes
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I’d privately talk to the teacher about it, see what you can learn. Kids are just mean lil minions, and they set up that pecking order early on.

11 Likes
3

Did she mention why they say they are running? I think I would speak to the teacher because that is a bit odd.

3 Likes
4

I think you’re allowed to go to school these days but I’m not sure… try to go see what she’s doing in her class … Truthfully these kids these days are mean selfish uncaring so to my advice to you go watch go to her recess introduce yourself to these kids that’s what I would do

5

Have you talked with her teacher? Maybe, the teacher can inform you what they are running from!
His she a minority in a majority classroom?

Is she clean and well groomed?

2 Likes
6

Just go to the school and tell them whats what’s going on so they can help with the situation And reassure her your on ur side and maybe suggest some idea

7

Maybe you can set up play dates with s couple a children from the class

8

Is possible she really is not as sweet as you think. She could be a whiny brat at school or just lying. Btw worked at a daycare and mother of 3.

17 Likes
9

Why not talk to her teacher. Most teachers have insight on these things

2 Likes
10

When I was in school if kids were having a hard time making friends, teachers would select a few kids they thought were kind and would make good friends and they started a Friendship Group. We would play games together and we got extra time between recess and lunch to play together. It worked really well and all of us stayed friends until we went to separate schools. Maybe call and suggest something like that if it doesn’t change.

4 Likes
11

I agree talk to the teacher so if it hasn’t been noticed they can see what is happening. The teacher and counselor should be able to help

1 Like
12

My little one told me the same story when he started preschool. I went to school and visited for the day. Then I learned my innocent and sweet little one was not so nice! He didn’t share toys, he wasn’t very nice to the other kids… he was acting like the boss. It all made sense. We worked on his behaviors and within a couple of weeks things were better. I’m not saying that is what is happening with your child, but kids act differently in a new setting around new people.

11 Likes
13

I work at a preschool, if she is new it may take a little time but kids usually find friends all the kids usually float from one group to another. Talking to the teacher is a great idea, they can help encourage the other children to be more inclusive. Kids at such a young age don’t usually exclude others deliberately. They are learning how to play together.

14

I would personally talk to the teacher about it. She/He should see more of what is going on. The singling out shouldn’t even be happening. This should be getting attention from all that supervise the children and corrected.

15

Volunteer, be fun playing with her and other kids show them how fun she can be you’ll get a better idea of what’s going on especially if you volunteer regularly if you can if they see you as a friendly familiar face they will start to feel the same towards her.

16

Set up play dates , get to know the other parents and do bike riding afternoon or play in the parks etc

Kids can be A.holes

1 Like
17

I had this problem
Communicate with the teachers

18

I would call her teacher and tell her your daughter is very upset

19

Is she bossy or doesn’t share? Do you bathe her regularly and make sure she is in clean clothes? Go the the school and check it out.

20

Talk to the teacher sorry you are going through this it’s a worrying time when they start school x

21

Call the school, and ask for a meeting with the teacher and the principal and even the psychology, in person or viral, but you have to address this ASAP it’s NOT OK for a 4 year old to be coming home saying this things, as a mother I recommend you all have a meeting with your daughter ASAP. Good luck.

22

Kids are cruel. Keep telling her how sweet and special she is and that the other kids just don’t see it yet but they will

23

I worked with this age group for a few weeks and it is hard being the new kid because they already had their little cliques and such. If possible could you talk to the teacher and see if you guys could come up with something together to include her? Maybe bringing in some special Friday class treats from her to kind of get some conversations started?

24

Kids can be cruel. Maybe have a talk with her teacher and see if she has noticed anything.

25

Certainly talk to the teacher. Ask if she or he sees this ?

26

Either be proactive and talk to a teacher or principal or get used to it. Both of my daughters were bullied. One for being tall. She was the only child on our street and they called her big bird and said she lived on Sesame Street. One for being smart. She was in advanced classes and got to go to a special learning center every day. Her life was hell after that. My granddaughter is bullied for being pretty. Girls started it around school that she had a general disease. She was a shy 14 year old virgin. It’s all jealousy. I’m so sorry for you all. Maybe a counselor could help. If I had it to do over again I would have changed schools.

2 Likes
27

Im a day care teacher. Speak to her teacher and what I do when I’m out side or in class I think of a activity that I know they will like to do and have them do it together. I’ve also had times that it wasn’t true and parents notice the child playing with other children.

3 Likes
28

I had this issue for little bit with my oldest daughter, after talking with the school I found out she was struggling at free play times because she wanted to play everything her way making it less than enjoyable for the other children. After contemplation i realised I infact did see the same behavior outside of school with siblings and cousins etc. We did some hands on active teaching of inclusive playing and the issue went away quickly and she made a ton of awesome friends that she kept through all her elementary years.

1 Like
29

Talk with her teacher. A childs perseption can just be a reflection of their anxiety and not a true picture of what is happening. My Granddaughter thought the flock of ducks in my back yard were laughing at her because they all squacked when she tried to get them to play with her.

30

If this were my child, I would probably start by reaching out to the teacher and see if they might have an idea of what’s going on. Kids are sometimes way different at home vs away from home. Then depending on what the reason might be, see if there is some behavior that needs to be changed. You could also try and connect with a couple of parents in her class, and try to set up one on one play dates where maybe she can build friendships.

14 Likes
31

I would speak with her teacher first. Then maybe have one or two of the kids from her class over for a play date outside of school. They can form a bond and it will carry over to school.

5 Likes
32

First, ask teacher what she sees. Don’t assume the story your child gives is truth. And don’t worry too much. Kids are super fickle at that age.

2 Likes
33

Open communication with the teacher. There are so many children that the teachers might not be aware of anything going on or to even be watching for anything. Mention it to the teachers so that they can observe the situation and see what is going on. Often times our children do not tell us the whole truth.

1 Like
34

My son acted the same when he started school at a day care I reached to the teacher and she told me there was no problem with other kids its my son who likes to be alone. When I talked to him he said kids don’t want to play with him still. I pulled him out and put him in a different school. He found a best friend the first day . And later others. At least now he has 3 friends who he doesn’t go to bed before talking about what they did in school. He comes home happy and he’s looks forward to go to school. Till now I never knew what the problem was. But all I know my child is happy.
Reach to the teacher first. U can’t advise you to pull her off, but you have to do what is best for your children. All the best

35

Talk to the teacher first.
If no results, talk to the principal.
Someone in that class is telling others to do this
Bullying .
No kid should ever have to go through this.
Have her make friends with lonely kids in her class.

36

I say u talk to the kids parents n see whats going on? Sometimes teachers dont always pay attention like they r suppose to.

37

Sad , she needs to find 1 friend . Speak to her teacher

38

finding out what is happening at school is important you need a better sense of what is happening. i would ask her to describe what is happening each day explore this if she were my client that is where i would start . i would talk to a school counselor , teacher to get a clearer picture first

39

Definitely talk to the teacher(s) as others have said. My son said something similar and the teacher was so confused because he apparently hung out with the other kids all the time and she had never seen this happen. As soon as I had addressed it, he never mentioned it again.

40

Talk with her teacher , with out your daughter present, a shy child or a child who only wants their way will have a difficult time, listen to the teacher and go from there, it will work out as long as your positive with your daughter, good luck

41

Talk to her teacher. Ask if your daughter plays well with her friends at school. Address your daughter’s issues.

2 Likes
42

Little kids can be so mean, my grandson had the same problem thank goodness he’s older now

1 Like
43

Talk to her teacher or better yet take a day and go watch hopefully without her knowing

44

Don’t try to force others to be her friend. It is better to have 1 true friend who accepts her for who she is or even no friends for that matter. Teach her to have high esteem for herself and not base her self worth on what others think of her.

45

Talk to the teacher find out what really is going on

46

As a parent, go handle that shit! Go find out what is going on from a teacher or counselor and make them aware, then counsel your daughter. Why are you asking FB? Can you seriously not handle this on your own as a parent? Maybe you are part of the problem. Are you an introvert to the point of your child learning this behavior from you? If so, you need to make some changes as well or your child has a long road ahead of them. Please don’t send your child to school with fruit or other bribes, as suggested in other posts, or people will like them for what they can get out of them. They need true, genuine friends, even it’s only one or two people, they don’t need the whole class.

47

Suggest you talk with her teacher. They can be helpful.

1 Like
48

Kids can be so mean, even the ones that go to church!

1 Like
49

Sounds like there’s more to the story.

3 Likes
50

Idk…try sending her with gifts i.e. fruit tray to host a get together with the class :blush:

51

Talk to the school…4 year old don’t have the most accurate information…

52

Speak to the teachers…they shouldnt be allowing that!

53

If your shy, quite they pick on these kids. My Granddaughter went thru this. Broke my daughter in law heart. It continues even now at 13. Girls are the worst to one another. Good luck

1 Like
54

Talk to the teacher and find out what’s really going on first…then proceed to the individual parents

55

Talk to the teacher.

56

Start my talking with her teacher… ask them if they have seen anything as what your daughter is saying. Ask if there are any activities for the kids that have them playing together so they get to know eachother. And ask that the teacher enforce the kids to all join in the activity.

1 Like
57

Talk to the teacher. Hopefully great results. She can tell you and watch what’s going on.

58

Have you talked to her teachers

59

I would speak to the teacher, and perhaps stop in and observe her and the other kids’ behavior.

Also, how much social interaction has she had with other children her age before entering preschool? If she doesn’t have much experience playing with other kids, perhaps her social skills might be a bit lacking and she may not know how to interact with others. If that’s the case, I’d sign her up for other kids’ social groups/events (and potentially therapy that helps kids with poor social skills if needed) that allow her to practice and strengthen her social skills.