I am married and have seven yo son and almost two yo daughter. I’m pregnant and due in 3 weeks. My seven-year-old son is not biologically my son, but I have raised him since he was 1. His birth mother never had custody of him. And gave up her rights to him when he was 4. She passed away in May. For three years, she had not seen my son. My husband and I debated on telling our son about his bio mom passing because she had not seen him in a little over three years. But our son had been being bullied at school by some kids who knew I was not his biological mom. So my husband told our son about his bio mom passing because he had become very upset about his birth mother’s situation. My husband hoped it would bring some closure to our son and also reassured him that even though I had not birthed him, I have always loved and cared for him as a son. Fast forward from May to now. Life has been a living hell. My son constantly throws in my face that I’m not his mom. Is beyond disrespectful to me. He has told me to my face he wishes I were dead and that his bio mom, who he has not seen since he was four, was here with him and his dad and not me. I have tried to not take what he tells me to heart. Because I know he grieves for his bio mom as she will always be apart of him. The biggest issue is that he seems to constantly stay so sad, moody and has told me and my husband he does not respect us. Before my husband and I got married, my husband was living with his parents. So from birth to almost four, our son lived with my husband and his grandparents. My mil was, in a way a mother figure to him. The problem now is our son tells us that he doesn’t respect us and wants to live with his grandparents. Well our son is failing school now and when we addressed his lying and behavior with him he told us he didn’t have to respect us. After much arguing my husband called my mil and his mom came and got her grandson. I feel like my husband had a mental breakdown because his son who he fought so hard to have custody of and make sure had a good life now wants nothing to do with us. My husband is a great man and father. I feel stuck in a hard place and do not know what to do. We have disciplined our son. He sees a school counselor and nothing has changed. Our son is now currently staying with my mil because she feels it would be best to show our son that even if he lived with her that he would still have rules to abide by and be respectful. I feel like this is only going to make it worse with him not respecting us, and I think it is absurd that a seven yo get a say in where they live because he is upset that we discipline him and that his birth mother was crappy. It is constantly helped over my head what his bio mom did, and it has really taken a toll on me mentally. I feel like my mil has overstepped greatly. My husband is mentally exhausted. And I am scared to death I’ll go into labor early because of this mess. And I do not want my second child to have to deal with the aftermath of what my son’s bio mom did. She is dead and gone, and I feel like she is ruling my life. Idk what else to do. My mother who was raised in a very strict home and raised me the same way days to whoop him and let him be. He is about to be 8. That it won’t be long and he will be out of our house and on his own. I can not imagine the next ten years of my life being spent that way. And I in no way want that life for my children or me.
He needs counseling. Whether she has passed away or not, it was still his mother and he still feels that hurt, the hurt of his mom passing, the hurt of her not wanting him. At the end of the day, its not about you or your husband. Its about getting this little boy the help he needs to grieve properly.
I hate to say it but I think he needs some counseling. He is struggling with something emotionally that he can’t process on his own and doesn’t know how to talk about. Maybe start there. He might be afraid that you are going to go away like his mom did and in the end they are worth fighting for. I have 3 step children that in my eyes are my kids. One of my daughters bio mom said she didn’t want her at 6 years old and I have been her only mom since then. It is very tough on all of you I am sorry your going through all of this.
He needs more than a school counselor… take him to someone else.
I think if the MIL keeps him disciplined it may be a good thing. That way he knows he not getting away with anything no matter where he is
This kid is7 please try be therer for him and maybe counceling ,togather are by him self maybe he’s up set he don’t see mom before pass
Sounds like he needs some therapy. I would definitely look into that. Also I’m not sure about if your mother in law over stepped but it sounds like your husband is done and she is just trying to show him that things wont be different with her. Obviously if you and your husband disagree with her having him go and get him.
Call his bluff… don’t do a thing for him, everytime he asks for something or do something or take him somewhere say, " I’m not your mother remember:
Perhaps find him someone to talk to . No offence to school counsellor but they never helped me. Only ones through the dr did . Chat to your dr about it . It’s a lot for him to take on, especially if kids arnt being nice to him about it. Specialist grief counselling and perhaps a play therapist might help him understand and find ways to express himself other than anger. Death is complex and worrying especially for children. Had he learned about death beforehand ?
He might want to chat to the dr and just tell him how he is feeling . Perhaps one of the forms where you circle how you’ve been feeling the last two weeks might be good for him to fill out when there to assess how his head is.
Lots of hugs
I hope you manage to work things out and have a happy little boy back xx
Therapy! Every behavior is a need trying to be fulfilled. He is in pain. At 7 yearsold he does not have the brain development to work this out for himself. The adults in his life need to stop trying to discipline the grief out of this poor kid.
He is upset and he is taking it out on you and his dad. He doesn’t know any other way at 7 to handle it. I know it’s hard but I think him going to stay with his grandparents for a bite will help him. He needs to see a therapist so he know how to deal with how he feels
He does need counseling and grief counseling as part of it. Children also need boundaries and to feel that someone is in charge! He needs a mental health counselor
Therapy. Also is he still getting bullied at school? If so, the school needs to address the bully situation.
Obviously this child has been through severe trauma and abandonment and unfortunately no matter how nice u are you cant fix that. He needs professional support from a therapist and possibly cognitive behavioral therapy. He is clearly suffering, more than I suspect you could possibly begin to understand. He needs a good child therapist. A school counselor is not qualified to treat.
Leave him with your MIL and live your life.
I dont think mil overstepped. I think she’s just trying to help and thinks you, hubby, and son could all use the break.
Definitely a better therapist, one thing you never do is give up. He need be home and needs reminded every time he says mean things that nothing will change the love you have for him.
Kids lash out with there pain to the ones they deep down know love them unconditionally and let all the pain out with.
He needa more understanding and family Councling I think would benifit you all.
He’s a child and doesn’t understand. He needs someone to talk to that isn’t offended about his genuine feelings.
I also agree on counseling but also maybe a way to remember his mom.something so he can know she is always a part of him or a place he can have a type of memorial regardless she will always be his mom and he needs to deal with this now rather than later.
He needs another therapist. EMDR therapy? Something triggered the behavior. Hes in pain. Try not to give up.
I was a foster parent to teenage boys with behavioral and mental health issues. My response was always “im not your mom, but I am the one taking care of you and your needs right now. Until that changes, I expect ____” whatever it is I was expecting. His dad should also be reinforcing your place in his life. But he is NOT your biological son. So acknowledge that. He is your chosen son, even if he doesn’t choose you, you chose him.
He needs a kick up the ass for being so rude and disrespectful
Oh that poor kid!! How horrible to have to deal with all of this at such a young age. He needs help. You husband needs to find someone for him to talk to. I mean know disrespect. You are not his mom in his eyes. I had a step dad who I always thought of as my dad. He is just a kid with a broken heart.
Get him psychological help, and therapy together with you and your husband. He is hurting. Is too much for the little one, but can not allow disrespect. Is a big issue that has to be addressed by a professional. Don’t wait
Poor baby needs extra counseling. Too young to know how to grieve and the kids at school are making it extra hard
Oh man… I feel for that kid - but I do want to point out that literally everything you say about his mother is negative. It’s not your place to do that, and could very well be why he wouldn’t want anything to do with you. At the end of the day, he is not your child. He is your step child. He shouldn’t be forced to think of you as his mom and only mom. Don’t ruin his love for his mom with your opinions or info about his actual mom.
Sometimes, you gotta take a step back and let things happen organically. Kids go through their own thoughts too… just guide him, always be there, and try to understand him rather than just punishing him. Sounds like he needs someone he can truly confide in or activities that keep him busy.
He may just need a break. Maybe he’s feeling sad or jealous that he’s not biologically yours and the new baby is or that the new baby has a bio mom. He’s angry, sad and he needs a therapist.
You MIL needs to explain to him that he can stay there for a break, but his home is with his mum and dad who love him very much. You and your husband need to constantly validate his grief while reminding him that he’s loved and wanted. His sense of belonging has changed so he’s acting out. His expectations at school needs to change, otherwise the school is setting him up to fail. And he needs to see a child psychologist. You and your husband need some therapy too to help cope.
Just my opinion but I think he’s angry at you because you never told him about his birth mother passing until after. Was her passing sudden and not expected or was she sick and knew she was going to pass away. If that’s the case maybe your son is upset because you didn’t tell him about his mom’s condition therefore your son not being able to see her before she died.
he needs grief counseling and therapy outside of school counselor. don’t take his anger to heart, he is grieving the only way a small child knows how and that’s anger. I’d do family counseling as well to help all of you work out what’s the best way to deal with everything going on.
My kids are adopted and have always known that. As they get older occasionally they are tempted to point out that I’m not biologically their mom. But listen up cuz this is exactly what I tell them. I am their mom in every single way that matters. Giving birth is the easy part and means absolutely nothing. Being the person that gives your entire life to a child and does what has to be done for them makes you the real mom. He’s 7 and you are letting him run you and your husband and your house. He needs counseling to deal with the death of his bio mom real counseling not school counseling. But bring his butt home and don’t give up. His bio mom gave up on him and the last thing he needs is another mom giving up on him. He gets no vote on where he lives. He’s hurt and trying to push you away and if you let him all you’re doing is proving to him that all moms leave. Take a stand and good luck.
Honestly I think you should have had those talks with him as well. Let him know you will be there no matter what. Also no matter how horrible his biological mom was he doesn’t need to know all the negative. Kids in situations like this need to know they can be open about their feelings to you. If you downgrade or have a hateful heart towards his biological mother he may feel like he can’t open up. I also feel that you and your husband need to be a United helpful front because now with your MIL taking over him he may always feel the way he does now. I am not saying to glorify his biological mom just don’t downgrade her or call her names or say she was crappy all the time. He is just lost. Treat all the kids equally according to their age and refer to him as your son not just your husband’s son. He needs to feel wanted and loved. No matter how rude he can be kill that rudeness with kindness. He will eventually see how much you care and that he, just like your own flesh and blood children, will always be loved by you. That you will go to the ends of the earth for him. Don’t give up on him.
Considering he is 7, he’s been through a lot! He’s just beginning to learn his emotions and feelings and going through a of that is turmoil. He needs lots of counseling. It will get worse before it gets better
So ok this is what I’m hearing. This 7yo child has had 3 maternal figures. Misses what he thinks his bio mom should be. He’s grieving his mom & realizing his fantasies will never come true. He’s angry & depressed. Then you & your husband punish him for expressing his feelings. But you expect him to respect you. Why would he respect someone who doesn’t care about all he’s been through & punishes him for trying to tell you?
You all (you, hubs, gma, son etc) need family counseling. Individual counseling wouldn’t be a bad idea either.
Definitely some much needed counseling is needed for all 3 of you. Hang tight, things can only get better. Hugs
I don’t see a problem with him being in his safe place (grandparents). He’s not too young to understand death, and can also comprehend that a new baby is on the horizon. Take time to yourself, gather a plan with your husband and MIL to work together and make him feel wanted, loved, and special. He needs a safe space right now, and your MIL is it. You don’t have to agree, emotions are a tricky thing, and his emotions want to be encompassed by familiarity where he was the one and only, and not by the changes. If it helps, both kids are ours, and our older (daughter) wouldn’t even acknowledge our son for 2 months after he was born because she was so upset. She only would talk to her father or my mom unless it was necessary. Best of friends now. All changes take time. Hold tight mama, I know this is a lot with being so pregnant, but try and remember that his life experience doesn’t align with yours. Wishing all the best!
Before you, it was just him and dad. His mother didn’t have anything to do with him which he suffers because he wonders why he wasn’t worthy enough of her love. Fast forward to his age now and he has siblings and you that he has to share his dad with. He may have had hope that his mother would come back into his life one day and learning of her passing has made he realise that isn’t that case. He has so many emotions built up inside and the only way he knows how to deal with them is blame someone and that someone is you. It doesn’t mean he does not love you or thing your a great person but he wonders what life could be like if things had turned out different.
You have done a wonderful thing to step up and take that mother role. Unfortunately, he knows you are not his bio mom and wonders why his life is so different from his peers.
One on one time could do wonders. When he’s upset, take him aside and let him know you care how he feels. Let him know these emotions are a normal part of the grieving process but also let him know that it’s important to be kind to those who are there to just love him.
Remember before his mom passed he was already grieving her loss and wondering why she wasn’t there, her passing as just confirmed his worst thoughts of never seeing his mother again.
Look into peer group grief counseling. My sons went to one for a year and it was amazing… they got to learn positive ways to channel their grief and they got to see that they weren’t alone in these types of situations.
Also family counseling would give you all a safe place to talk and express feelings and emotions.
He is mourning his mom. Get him some counseling.
He needs a therapist outside of school. School counselors are not equipped to deal with behaviors and grief. Family counseling would also be beneficial
All 3 of you need counseling separately and together
As someone who lost a parent at 9 I can definitely say I went through similar things towards my mom and her fiancé. Counseling does not work for everyone, honestly I hated talking to them and then having to listen to their life story. I truly didn’t care for it at all and refused to go. It wasn’t until my mom got me enrolled in a grief counseling art group that actually helped me. I was around other people who were hurting as badly as I was and it was okay to express my anger/hurt/frustration in my artwork. I could talk about why I was angry or sad and be validated and supported. It got to the point where I actually started looking forward to going. He’s having to navigate his emotions through losing his mother. He’s having to navigate and understand that any future relationship he would have had is now gone. It’s been almost 19 years and I honestly still struggle and deal with the emotional hurt.
How did the kid at his school know about the situation
Are you sure that your mil hasn’t put things into his head? You’ve been a mum to him most his life and seems odd you don’t have that relationship yet. Also that he wants to live with his nan. Time to get him home and into therapy and sort it fully and figure out properly what’s going on. Try some mum and son dates with him and show that you love him the same as your bios. Also letting him be away doesn’t show him you love him. It tells him that you both love your new kids more because they wasn’t sent away. Kids worry about things we don’t realise and need reassurance
Sorry but the "shes dead and gone, shes ruling my life " part is disgusting thing to say… but like everyone has stated ALL of you need counseling together and separate … the child is hurting
Having a step daughter with mental health issues and a mom that chooses to be around when it’s good for her, it’s hard. He needs a counselor outside of school, the ones at school are not really trained to deal with this level of stuff. As for the disrespect when he says you’re not my real mom, be like you’re right, I’m the one who chose to be here. I’ve had this fight many times. My response is always I’m the one choosing to be here, this is my house, and you will treat me with respect while in it. Him staying with grandma, even just for a little bit, may be beneficial for everyone. Your stress level can go down for the baby, your husband can cool off, and think of a different way to approach this, and he’s getting some time to grieve and process with out being ready to snap on you. But I do think you and your husband need to sit down and talk with the grandma about expectations. She needs to back you guys up in front of him and show him he needs to show you respect. To go from getting bullied, to finding out the person her thought was his mom wasn’t his real mom, to finding out his real mom is now dead, that’s A LOT for a 7 year old to process and deal with. Family counseling along with one on one for him would do wonders for everyone I think. Good luck!!!
Get all of you in therapy. Family and individual for him. He needs help getting through this. Not school counselors.
Wow hun first I think you’ve done wrong by that boy for punishment during his grief and maybe he should have been taken to a service for his mom with family to have closer, not just tell him his mom is dead like wtf! Now you are wondering why he’s upset, all while you bring new siblings at a time like this… Also why would the kids at school know anything about his personal things? You all need therapy, not just the heartbroken child. Anger is understandably all he knows the way you handled this and he’s only 8. Your now treating him like a problem… So let him live where he feels safe and loved… Clearly it’s not going well, and you are clearly showing resentment of this child by having zero patience and assuming the next years he will make your life hell… Should it not be about his healing, not your issues. Sorry but I feel for this boy, not adults trying to pass his pain by. All the therapy won’t help if he’s not feeling support at home, the way he needs it, not you. Hope you let him be wherever he gets to feel like a child not on the way bc he’s grieving. He’s clear going through alot. Do t penalize him or his future for things out of his control and doesn’t know how to yet cope with his emotions… He’s 8, give him time and love without resentment of what he’s going through… It should be about him.
He needs a real counselor not just a school one. Most employers offer EAP counseling 100% free for so many sessions. He’s grieving and he’s most likely questioning where his place will be with the new baby.
Sounds like he’s dealing with some anger and abandonment issues and doesn’t know of a healthy way to process it. It’s a tough situation but don’t take it personally. Continue to love him through it. He’s got big feelings and no where to put them, professional mental help for him and the family would be a good step bc this is a trauma and will likely linger in his mind for the rest of his life
He needs help first…
What I would say is that your right I didn’t give birth to you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you and you are a very important part of this family as you are the big brother…
Even though I didn’t give birth to you…you are my son…you don’t have to give birth to be someone’s Mom…you are loved and you are wanted…
This child needs to know he is part of this family…he is angry because his mom gave up on him… regardless if she couldn’t help herself it’s his feelings…
He needs to know his place in family…
He needs to see a therapist. Yes the school counselor is a good start but it sounds like he needs more help then school counselor can give. Also y’all may benefit from family counseling also.
Your doing your best momma. Get the whole family some counseling. 
I adopted my oldest. And have done alot of research with adoption trauma (kinda the same situation). And you can do everything right and kids will still have issues and abandonment issues. I would highly recommend getting a counselor that has some adoption experience… My daughter came straight from the womb into my arms and still has days she tells me that I am not her real mom. Biggest things is to never trash talk biological family that’s WHERE they came from. You can’t love that child while absolutely hating where they came from or making sure they came from a horrible situation. And you can’t expect a 7 year old to regulate their emotions when youre not regulating your own.
Counseling, jealous of u having another baby. Adopt him
He is pushing everyone away because he is testing if you really love him. Letting him go now will blow up in your faces. Everyone needs therapy and you need to have a sit down talk with him and let him know that yes you aren’t his birth mother but you knew him and chose to love him, that you didn’t have to love him but you do. He needs to know in an age appropriate manner why his mom’s situation was the way it was (without attacking her it will blow up in your face)
Take him to counseling and then the 3 of you get counseling together
Don’t whoop him your mothers wrong the lad needs help hes struggling parenting isn’t always easy its hard work too so while your getting help for him get help for the rest of you guys that little boy didn’t ask for this he had no choice in loosing his mother
School counselors are useless, he needs a real counselor one that will work with the entire family.
Tell him you’re not his biological mother but out of all the kids you could have chosen as a son you picked HIM because he’s special 
Sit him down & talk about what’s going & ask why does he keep throwing in ur face that u isn’t his Bio, tell him no matter what he thinks or says in ur heart he will always be ur lil boy & that family doesn’t mean blood related but about the ppl who cares about u & always stuck with u until the end, let him know that he has u and will always have u to love & cherish him like ur own bc he is ur child too no matter if u birthed him or not he’s still ur lil boy 
ps get him in therapy asap, he’s been greiving his bio absent since he could understand & now she’s not around anymore causing him to take it out on u, he knows u r always been there & will be there for him, don’t give up on him, be there & love him through his greive of his bio mom
This is absolutely nothing against you. Just make sure you are always there with open arms. He definitely need some counseling because he’s hurting clearly. His dad definitely needs to tell him he better speak to you with some respect though or they’ll be consequences. Hurting or not you can’t treat people like shit.
Send him to counseling
He needs to see a therapist, not just the school counselor. You also need to see a family therapist all together. He is suffering from the loss of his mother and you need to be more understanding of his hardship.
I would get a family counselor. If his bio mother had mental health concerns that she could have possibly passed on to him they would be able to put a referral in for a psychiatrist to determine if there is a diagnosis which will make things a lot easier for you and your husband. It’s better to get him that help now while he is still young.
I think you all should see about grief counseling for him, and maybe also some family counseling. He is obviously struggling. He does not fully understand what he is feeling. It also sounds like he is holding on to some resentment. His siblings have their mom and he doesn’t have his. He is lashing out because he doesn’t have any other outlet. Its hard to take that kind of mental abuse day in and out as a parent. I understand. But you all have to teach him how to deal with his feelings. Punishment is not really the answer. Get the lot of you into some counseling. Good luck.
He is 7. Your husband is acting weak. Whooping doesn’t work on every kids, actions of Understanding and kind and attentive. Stop having kids if you’re not equipped and ready for whatever happens next. Shit is hard. No unicorns or glitter…stand up straight and handle your business, you’ll have 2 more sets of eyes watching you soon, absorbing what you say and do. Put him in boxing class. Track, cross country, tennis…something. he is just fresh outta first grady, you’re the adults. Lots of kids are raised by a step parent or grandparents, hes being bullied for it? We are responsible for raising healthy stable kids yet you’re unsure how? Every kid is different. There isn’t one way to do anything. He needs a therapist. And he needs to be engaged in something physical or that he’s interested in. Don’t expect him to reward your effort, either. As a parent, befriending is out of the question.
There’s a difference between a school counselor and therapist he needs to see a therapist he doesn’t hate you he’s going through something that he needs help with just keep reassuring him you love him
While his with his nan i would take this time to sit with your husband and make a plan of what you will do next time he throws men things at you (ie say to him as others have it sucks you feel that way and im so so sorry that you do but me, you daddy and your siblings love you unconditionally and we are here for you when you need us then tell him to get somw space in his room this will let him calm down and process what you have said and gives you time to breath and count to ten to get past what he just said) then maybe have a reward chart and everytime he shows respect even if its just a thank you when you’ve done something for him or maybe hes gone an entire morning without insulting you give him a treat and praise him loads. Also look into therapy for to help through his grief poor little boy hes so young with huge issues on his shoulders they may also be able to guide you to help him too
Get some therapy for you as a family and for him by himself as well. You & your husband are the closest people to him so of course you’re going to bear the most of his emotions & lashing out. He’s 7, he has no idea how to deal with his feelings. You need to show him that no matter what you’re there & that you aren’t going anywhere, no matter what he does, he really needs to see that. Getting through it won’t be easy but if you love this little boy you have to try & ride it out. Good luck for you & your family.
He’s struggling emotionally by the sounds of it. Discipline is pointless as it won’t address the issue at heart. Therapy and a ton of patience and love is what he needs. Therapy might not be effective for a little bit yet even.
Get him some counseling
Such a hard think for a young child to understand and know how to feel about on top of being bullied with a new sibling on the way. There is a lot going on in his world that he probably has no idea how to handle; so he’s unfortunately dealing with it in a bad way versus a good way. I’d see a getting him a therapist help with a loss of a parent and bullying. Also, there are several bibliotherapy books that you can get from the library/Amazon/book store that can also help with bullying, loss of parent etc.
Whoop, his butt! That’s just spoiled rotten disrespectful of this 7 yr old! Everyone has choices & consequences unfortunately for his biological mother those choices weren’t good but it doesn’t mean this boy should act as if he’s the only one whose gone through a rough patch in his life! He should be grateful to have a father & mother such as yourselves to want him! That is what this spoiled 7 yr old should be reminded of; there’s plenty if children who do not have what he has! Good luck! And do not stress you have other lil ones to attend to as well!
This isn’t about you… at 4 he knew his bio mom , spent time , made memories good or bad they are his memories.
I have fostered 83 kids and have adopted 3 I say this because what I’ve learned are kids will forever be loyal to their bio parents … always. He’s hurting and doesn’t know how to express and or explain that so he’s gonna " hurt" the person closest to him and I’m guessing it’s you . You are not her … and he may not want you to be her but you are filling the shoes or the person who hurt him… imo get him into counselling and then maybe some family counselling, get him books on adoption, and death and grief. But plz stop making this about him being disrespectful to you. Imo this little person has been through alot.
My son had just turned 2 and I got with my husband (11 years and 4 more children later). I dont think that’s the issue. Yes, he may be going through something. I would not let him choose where he lives. The only way to handle this is head on. “No, I understand I’m not your mother but I love you like I am.” “I am sorry you feel the way you do but we are going to work hard as a family to make this work.” Make special time to spend it with just him. I know you are due for another baby and the baby will take up a lot of time but he can be helpful. I don’t know how your relationship was before. I can’t say anything about that but what he needs now is love even when it’s hard. One of my biological sons makes it really hard for me to get close to him. But I know that’s when he needs love the most. Don’t let grandma be the one. That won’t fix anything. He will just continue to compare as long as you let life happen he has to compare to.
Family therapy and individual therapy for the boy
He’s 7 and feeling some BIG emotions that he probably doesn’t know how to handle. Grieving is different for everyone and is awful to go through, even for an adult. And for it to be a parent is even harder. I’m sure he’s having trouble processing and understanding what he’s feeling. Cut him slack and get him some grief counseling
Your son is screaming for help and by helping, you “abandoned him” more less.
Get that baby back home TONIGHT and seek counseling as a family. I promise mil is gonna turn the tables and file for custody because again you’ve abandoned him. So husband needs to man up, go get his son and love that boy.
Yes your son is gonna reject all love BUT don’t stop showing/giving him love. Set clear boundaries/rules for the house/how he is expected to behave. Then set a reward chart also.
This will be hard work along with time BUT sending him away is not the answer. And can back fire big time.
First off, breath. You have WAY too much on your shoulders right now and trust me, that does not help at all. Go cry. Seriously. Have a melt down because it’s obviously that you need to let it out.
Remember that you are not alone and that you will get past this. I have 3 children and their biological father is an absolute dirt big. Literally has not seen his kids in I dont even know how long but my babies still ask for him all the time. If he were to pass away tomorrow and I had to break that news to my children, it would destroy them, completely. Despite how much time has passed since my babies were able to see him. So please, please remember that your son is grieving. Not only for the loss of his biological mother but also for her not wanting him. Yes, hes young but I bet you anything that poor boy knows deep down that his mom didnt want him and it’s probably eating at him right now that he didnt even get to see her one single time before she was gone forever. Kids aren’t stupid. I’m not trying to be rude right now so please dont take any offense to what I’m saying. But ask yourself one question… when you guys broke the news of his mother passing and he started acting out, did you get down to his level and comfort him and tell him it was okay to grieve and be angry (because those are normal emotions and adults face them everyday) OR did you immediately discipline him when he threw tantrums and meltdowns and tell him why it was wrong to express himself that way because you were overwhelmed and didnt want to deal with it? He has no outlet, probably because he feels alone. Of course he is going to lash out at that point because he cant talk to you guys or express what he is feeling because of your attitude against his shit bag biological mom. If you tried to understand him the way he needs versus how you feel you should,be will come to you more. Just as adults would do the same thing. And I’m not saying it’s your fault, or your husbands fault. It’s his biological mothers fault if anything. But hes 7 and he doesnt near to hear the negatives on that. Instead he needs someone to help him cope.
Patience. That’s all. Patience, comfort and love.
I don’t think he needed to go to the MIL home personally. That just taught him that a few things, but most importantly this child is reaching out for help. For attention. May not be the best attention, but he’s getting it. Something he feels he’s lacked. I’m not saying he feels this way, but i grew up in a not so ideal life. If my mom “made me go live with my grandparents”, i would resent them 10000% along with feeling like my mom just gave up on me. Like i said, don’t know if he’s feeling that. But i felt that reading your post. You guys are the parents, not the grandparents. However, get him into therapy. Not the school counselor, they can’t help as much as therapy. He has a lot he needs to work on, starting with accepting you are his “bio” momma. I adopted my youngest, he is 7. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever told him I wasn’t his bio Momma. He knows he’s adopted because we celebrate his Gotcha day, but doesn’t know the rest for this very reason. Get some therapy for him, yourself so you can learn to cope & maybe some family therapy. Build the relationship that was lost along the tragic moment for your son. He’ll bounce back, but you can’t give up. This is when he needs his Momma, you the most.
He needs counseling to process. He has been lied to, abandon and bullied. Other people told him who he is, because you didn’t want to tell him the truth. So yes, he is hurt. Leave him with his grandmother while you seek therapy as a family.
I didn’t need to read the whole thing to see the kid is grieving. Help him through his grief. You can grieve someone you didnt know that well. Have him see a therapist to alk over his feelings
I think its unhealthy for him to leave the house. He needs to be with you and you need a family therapist that can help you deal with this. Likely separate counselling sessions for all of you and also sessions together as a family. In a 7 year olds mind he likely sees this whole situation very differently and needs help to process his feelings. It’s normal for him to grieve his birth mother. Hes angry that she left him and unfortunately taking it out on the people closest to him. This needs specialist help. I agree your MIL is wrong to take him. It will only make this situation worse in the long run. Arrange a counselling session and then go and get your son and tell him we will deal with this together. Reassure him that you love him and want what is best for him
Oh hunny. I COMPLETLY understand!! I have a 12yr old boy(helped raise him since he was 6 months old) & an 11 yr old boy(that I have raised since he was 3 konths old full time in my home with their dad). They were treated just like my very own 2 boys that I birthed! Until the last few years when THEY have decided I’m a piece of shit, trash, worst person on the earth & they wish I was dead. Told these on a regular/daily basis. Their bip mother never had any custody either. Had cas supervised visits when they were toddlers for 2 years. As soon as she got every other weekend access, she took them 1 night then yelled & botched at us to come get them cause she couldn’t handle them. Then she just stopped taking them. They were 4 & 3 last time she took them. Still has NOTHING to do with them. Ever. But IM the problem. IM the one whonis the mom & makes them follow the rules of our house EREYONE ELSE has too. But for me, their dad is here, but he’d rather be their “buddy” than their dad. So he’s making all worse & no help at all. So I wish you all the luck! As I’m about to say enough here & leave with my three kids. Can’t take it anymore. These two also steal anything & EVERYTHING THEY CAN. & the lies r UNREAL!
I just cried reading through all of this. My only advice is to get him into counseling (outside of school) and cover him in prayer. He’s hurting and he’s too young to figure out how to channel that pain. So it’s negative and destructive. I’ll be praying for your family. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You love him, it’s obvious. Hugs.
If y’all told him the truth about his mother passing y’all should’ve told him that his mothers gave up her rights before because she was mentally unstable. Y’all shouldn’t have picked and choose. Now it’s to late. Just give him love and space. He will come around.
You can’t just send him to grandmas to live maybe a weekend but not to live biological or not he is your child and As hard as it seems he can’t process his emotions properly at 7 he needs therapy and yall need family therapy my son turns 8 in April and does not act like this he has told my husband that he isnt his dad and that he didn’t have to listen to him one time and only one time everything my husband paid/pays for was removed from my sons bedroom and my son realized that my husband does a lot and though he may not be blood hes still there when needed now he has a new step mom at his fathers and I told him that he needs to respect her the same way he does me but he also has a right to tell her no if she demands he call her mom or anyrhing like that
I don’t understand why he was being bullied at school? Many kids have a step parent … he’s so young … only 7 … something is overwhelming to him… Please get him a therapist who can help … he doesn’t know how to express his feelings …
This child is seven years old. I understand the frustration you, and your husband is going through but you’re defiantly handling this the wrong way. First of all this boy is seven years old. He is a child, and doesn’t at all understand. Now your keep calling his BM crappy, and uninvolved which she may have been however that is not how this boy looks at this. As an adult who grew up with a missing parent that was uninvolved, did not care, and wanted nothing to do with me I can assure you that this child has questions. He knows this woman is his mother, but he doesn’t understand why she wasn’t around. He has questions. When she was alive there was a possibility for her to change, and be mom again. Now that she is gone she took that possibility with her, and the answer to any questions he may have. This isn’t just grieving his biological mother, this is him grieving the answers he will never get it. And to be honest you and your husband did not handle this correctly at all. You both assumed that because the woman wasn’t around that you didn’t need to tell him, and then you didn’t provide him with counseling. You simply have them going to a school counselor and ignoring the issue at hand. What he is experiencing our classic signs of depression, he’s also angry. And to him he doesn’t want to be angry at the woman that was his mother that is now dead so he is taking their anger out on you and your husband. He feels that anger toward you because you are the woman that is in her place and you were still here, while she is gone. Your mother-in-law stopping in was probably the best thing that’s happened to this child in months. I can understand the frustration, and heartbreak that you and your husband feel but this seven-year-old little boy is going through a tremendous amount of grief and I’m not being able to understand. First Things first you need to get this child into actual therapy. He needs to talk to someone besides school counselor who is only going to be able to make time for him maybe once a week. Secondly you and your husband showing your frustration, anger, hurt is only going to make the situation worse. You guys are assuming that because this woman was not present in his life that he shouldn’t feel the way he does. But he absolutely should feel that way. He is a seven-year-old child whose mother was not involved in his life, never came around and then she died. Depression can happen and children of all ages. Was everything you listed in your question or signs of depression. And you were going to have to help him work through his grief, anger, and hurt. Yes he will at one point rebuild a relationship with you and your husband but attempting to force that on him because this woman was “inconsequential” isn’t going to work. On top of all this going on we also have a worldwide pandemic happening so school for most children isn’t anywhere near normal. So not only has this child had his every day normal ripped away from him he also lost his biological mother. During this time thoughts need to be on him, his feelings, his needs, his emotions and while you guys need to also work through this yourself acting as if this is no big deal he’s going to do more damage to him in the relationship you to have with him than anything else. I am a 27-year-old mother of four whose father was also not present in my life at all, I can tell you I was a child having a parent that is not involved they make you feel unlovable they cause mental health issues from the very beginning and then losing that parent permanently add to those issues. I started experiencing depression, and anxiety at 7 years old. He’s needs help, not to be ignored because has he gets older that behavior will only get worse and he will hate you. The other thing I wanna point out is that you had nothing positive to say about his biological mother. And I’m sure you expressed those same feelings in your home and now when the woman was alive that wasn’t acceptable, but to do it when she’s now dead is down right shitty. That child does not need to hear the constant negative about the woman that not only abandon him in life but now he feels abandoned him and death.
Maybe some family counseling would help. He needs some help sooner rather then later.
Have a talk with him, tell him even though you’re not his real mom, you love him just like he was yours !! And he might think the way he’s thinking now, but when he gets older he’ll see for himself and understand better…
It is hard grieving a parent that wasn’t part of your life. My mom died when I was 16 and she hadnt been in my life for a long time. He needs separate counseling sessions for himself and probably family counseling as well. He’s acting out. He may not know how to process his grief
This poor kid DEFINITELY needs some therapy but it sounds like YOU have some issues too. It sounds like you have this intense hatred for a dead woman. She’s ruining your life from the grave? Seriously? Something tells me that this child may have heard some of the nasty things that you said about his biological mom and that may be a part of his problem. Not to mention that it seems like you are having an issue with the way he is processing his mother’s death. Yeah it sounds like she was trifling, selfish, etc. but that was still his mom. Then some little assholes tease him in school because they know you aren’t his bio mom then you guys proceed to tell him that she’s dead, hoping it would bring closure. This poor child is dealing with a LOT. Then on top of that you have a 2 year old and a baby on the way. Did you ever stop to think that he might be hurting from that too? Your kids get their mommy and daddy but his bio mom is gone forever. Honestly, I think it’s a good thing that his grandparents dId take him for a awhile because this child really needs that one on one attention. During his time there set him up with a child therapist so they can help him with what he’s going through and then try some family therapy before he comes home. You should probably see a therapist too because it seems like you feel some type of way about this little boy.
I to have a somewhat similar situation. My husband was granted full custody of his kiddos when he divorced his ex. He had to hold a full time job and so the kids stayed a lot at my husbands mom and dads. I came into the picture when my step son was 2 and step daughter was 4. Their mother has been in and out since I’ve been with my hubby. They haven’t seen her now in over a year. But before I came along, my mil would allow the kids to call her mommy which I absolutely never agreed with. We moved out had our own place had 2 more kiddos. We have 5 all together. His, mine, and ours. My stepdaughter takes her mom not being around the hardest. I am mom. The kiddos were never pressured into calling me mom. My step daughter does call me mom a lot. Especially when it comes to her friends. We fight a lot, her and I. A lot of disagreeance. I stand my ground. She has gotten in trouble and spanked for hurting her siblings. But other than just standing your ground through the defiance. I would not allow disrespect. But you don’t have to necessarily whoop his butt. You can have him write sentences, stand on the wall, do chores. Change it up depending on how bad it is. Love, love, love and a lot of it. Being there through the hard times. Time will help him. But sending him off to grandparents will only make him think he won. It will get worse before it gets better. But a weekend away since in a while is fine but sending him there to stay won’t help the situation at home. Involve him with his siblings. Take him out once in awhile, just him, for good behavior. You can do it momma. If I can do it with 5 babes you can do it with almost 3! You got this momma. Stay strong and stand your ground. Your son will be lucky he had you one day!
As someone who went through something very similar, he could feel exactly opposite what he is saying. He could be afraid of losing you and is trying to just push you away before you leave too. Have you talked about adopting him? Make sure you take every opportunity to tell him you love him, and even though he did not grow in you, you love him as though he did.
It sounds like he may need grief counseling as well as family counseling. He is grieving. Maybe he always had a hope that his bio mom would step up and change and be the mom she was supposed to be but with her being gone that is now impossible. He’s still so young. That sounds like a lot to process. Living with grandma is not the answer but I can see her way of thinking. I would get him into counseling and give him a timeline on when he is coming home. (Ex : next weekend) so as not to completely throw him off. But he needs to see he can’t pick and choose where he lives. That’s too much control.
I would tell the child that he is right that I’m his step mom and have been since he was 4. I would also explain that I cook for him clean and wash his clothes. Keep a warm house for him. Then let him know that you are there for him just like the other child and one on the way. I would also explain that I would be respected. Explain that you don’t disrespect him and he will not you. I would take things that he thinks he is entitled to. Such as video games phone privilege. But before all this I would have my child stress free. Your health and your unborn childs health needs to come first.
Just for now let the mil deal with your son until u and your husband have a chance to de-stress. When the new baby comes your son may feel he is missing out on a lot and want to come home. Give him time to settle down too.
Beat his ass one good time and he wont throw that shit in your face again lol