Talk to Mary Catherine Charron. She’s an excellent family counselor. She values connection and correction from a connected relationship. He is young and grieving. He needs support but doesn’t know where his safe place is. See also Loving on Purpose by Danny Silk. These things either make or break families. You can be the hero in your family.
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I would consider first getting him some grief counseling and then once comfortable consider family counseling that includes your MIL if they feel that’s appropriate. Also, perhaps he needs to be somewhere where he feels safe right now, and that’s at your MIL house. In some ways I’d be happy that there’s a place where he feels that way. Especially if it’s not a free for all and she still has structure and rules. This is really hard. At 7, I don’t know how he is able to process any of this. Hes so young.
He hasn’t had a say in anything in his life, with regard to his bio mother or his living situation. Let the child feel like he has some control, and then sit down and discuss the best way to handle him -as a family- and include his counselor or a therapist. You can’t say that your husband is having a mental breakdown and you’re afraid the stress will hurt your baby AND ALSO feel like your mil has no business stepping in and taking him off your hands. You’re being unreasonable. Let him get right, have your baby, and invite him back in the meantime to see his new sibling. Let the therapist talk you through how to reintroduce him to your family unit.
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Hang in there love. You are right. But sometimes you have to just love them thru it. I do think maybe it’s not so much a lack of respect. He is crying out for something. If his school counselor isn’t helping maybe seek one elsewhere. He may just not know how to express his true feelings. I know it’s going to be rough for a bit and very stressful but take it one day at a time. Remind you husband you are there for him too. I know you are in a tight spot but imagine his current place. As a sm myself it’s a tough place to be. Sending my love and prayers.
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It sounds like he’s Grieving. As hard as it is for you imagine what he’s going through. Just keep showing him love and support, maybe some therapy is needed to help work through his problems. I know emotions can be high when you’re pregnant as well.
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Your stepson should see a grief counselor.
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I’m half black/white i was raised by 2 white parents. I never knew my bio dad i thought my dad was my dad. I learned when I was 12 that I was not my dads child. It killed me inside. I went thru 2 years of disrespecting my parents. That shit hurt…a lot. Hes probally feeling the same. He needs unconditional love in his darkest days. Im sure you’re doing that and some family counseling. I feel for him poor baby
A mom is a mom no matter is she was a bad mom, he is only 7 years old just because you take care of him don’t mean he has to call you mom and not care for his mom the that pass away he will never get to hug her or kiss her. Allows him to have his grieving time. My stepdad adopted me and gave time to process things he even told us we never had to call him dad unless we wanted to call him dad. You are talking bad about his mom. don’t do it big mistake is not your place, be respectful.
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You need to pray and then love him. Change how you word things to him. I can’t imagine being 8 and losing your mom that you never had a relationship with and never will get that chance. Include him in some easy decisions. Sit down and discuss family rules and changes with a new baby coming. Then discuss the consequences if those rules are broken. Mostly pray and love him. Hug him and let him know that you understand it’s hard but that you want to be there for him. You have to learn to communicate with him now or when he’s a teenager it will be a big struggle. Praying for your family.
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In most situations I would usually say whoop his ass for the way he’s acting. But my only thought would be counseling for himself see how he does and then try family counseling. This is something he’s not sure how to react to. Yes kids know emotions and right from wrong by this age for sure. But this is something he’s not fully aware in how to react to. He needs help on how to express his emotions and talked through the entire situation of what really happened and how things ended up the way they are now.
He needs to see a real therapist outside of school and he needs consistency even if he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t need to be coddled by grandma. He needs consistency from his parents. Meaning YOU and your husband.
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I’m sorry you’re going through this. We have a similar situation in our home. Almost 14 yr old whose bio mom had her parental rights terminated 9 years ago. My bonus daughter and I were close for a couple of years but once her dad and I got engaged in August it’s been pretty terrible in our home. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you but sadly I don’t. I just wanted to tell you I understand your frustration and pain. Hang in there!
Counseling, and work with the school to get him some support so he does not feel isolated
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Same Boat here too. I am sympathetic to ya mama.
Looking in.from the outside if he’s happier with his grandparents maybe he should stay, just like you, you would want to b where u feel loved ( even though u love him) he needs a different love, life is so short and maybe he just needs them instead, may even help him love u more, to force someone to stay when they r miserable is heartbreaking for all, let him stay see if he’s happier make it work for him, I believe in the end it will b the best decision,not everyone belongs where they r, good luck I do hope it all works out
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All I see in this is you, you, you. Be his mum support him he obviously needs to speak to someone professional and I think it would be good for you also.
You have been in his life since he was 1 do you really think you could walk away?
You never threaten to take your love away no matter what.
Maybe he throws it in your face because he can sense that you are not as invested in him.
Guess what if you think now is hard wait until your daughter is 14 to 20. Girls are hard work.
Good luck to your family.
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He needs to see a real therapist, not a school counselor. He has some major things he’s struggling with that he needs to be able to get out.
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I wouldn’t trust the school counselors if it were me. So sorry you are going through this hell. Perhaps family counseling with your faith based organization
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Maybe he is afraid u will love the baby more than him … the boys at school have already made him feel insecure and different . Many kids lash out in anger when they are hurt and for attention. Spanking him wont help … he needs alot of love and understanding. He is only 7 yrs old , I dont think he even knows what he is saying . I think he is scared and insecure
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Ok, so this is gonna be blunt and straight to the point, next time he says something explain to him that no, you aren’t his birth mom but you love him like your own, he’s 7 and he might not completely get it might be hurting you. I am a step mom to a 15 yr old who was abused by his birth mom but still bows down to her, but sometimes he calls me mom and I call him my bonus son and now son when I talk to ppl who know we’re a mixed family but he has told me he hates me but then comes and talks to be about personal stuff that he doesn’t wanna bring up to his dad or grandma 
so I personally just shrug it off. Even my birth children tell me they hate me if they don’t get their way especially my 4 and 7 yr old. I honestly don’t take it in a hurtful way. Just let the kid know that you know you aren’t his birth mom and show him it doesn’t bug you. Be a smartass. I do it and the attitudes get a little less dramatic
Tell him he doesn’t need to share DNA to be a mother. Seek more professional help outside the school counselor. They may not be using methods that are working.
He needs severe therapy and needs to come home. My 6 year old went through something similar when he found out my husband isn’t his bio dad and fought against him for almost a year. After lots of therapy things have gotten better. But it takes a strong therapist and lots of family counseling to help.
The poor kid is feeling so many emotions he doesnt know how to handle it. He’s 7 years old. He’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he’s grieving. Sounds to me like he is lashing out at the one person he is closest to, you. Dont take it to heart, but i would look into getting him some grief counselling or something. He’s just a baby their brains cant process all these different emotions at once. Give him lots of love and understanding x
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Look into Bereavement Counseling (Grief counseling) for children! He needs specialized counseling to get past the loss of his bio mom.
Obviously he’s feeling some type of way and doesn’t know how to deal with it Please seek some professional help for this kid
Discipline isn’t going to help
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Therapy for you and for your child. It’s a lot of heartache for a lil one to go through. Doesn’t matter how involved or uninvolved his bio mom was. That’s was a piece of him he lost and he is allowed to grieve over her passing
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He is only 7 .?? He needs a lot of love. He doesn’t know what he is saying. Absolutely you don’t love him like your own. He wouldn’t be talking that way if you would’ve show real love and discipline at the same time. He is a baby … He needs a lot of LOVE.
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I feel really sorry for both of you. He is going through pains, you’re going through pains but I don’t think your mother-in-law overstepped her boundaries. I think she was just trying to help.
Sounds like your son needs some professional help to deal with his emotions & what’s happened in his life, contact your doctor & get him some counselling… that is an awful lot of big emotions for such a little boy to handle… love him, show him that no matter what happens that you & his dad will always be there for him… I don’t think that letting him choose to live with his grandparents is the way to resolve this, it just gives him another ‘power’ in the situation xx
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When I was 4 my mother abandoned me and never looked back. Im 27 and STILL struggle with why, with emotions and not understanding. Ive had amazing people take me in but also had problems in life just as anyone does. Just reassure him how much you love him. Its tough because he doesnt understand and he will always want his mommy. Have you thought about adopting him? If she signed her rights away you could, and then you would be his mom and you can show him everyday that yes biologically you arent his mom, however in every other sense of the word and with how much you love him and no matter what you arent going any where. When he says you aren’t his mom hug him and tell him I may not biologically be your mom but I love you more than you’ll ever know. Give him reassurance. Get him into out of school counciling. I had too. Also I think having him stay with his grandparents is going to be a huge set back and should not happen. It shows that you guys give in to him and that he is the boss and doesnt have to respect or listen to you.
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He needs more than a school councilor. And he 100% DOES NOT need physical punishment. He needs help and as his parents, its your job to find someone who will help. You need a child psychologist who deals with grief. Stay strong, loving and supportive. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU ARE HIS MOM.
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I think you all need counselling individually and as a family.
Your stepson was being bullied at school, he has just learned that his biological mother has passed, he is struggling to cope, he doesn’t know how to handle his emotions and lashing out at you and your husband because you are the easy target.
Sit down with him as parents and say to him that whilst you are not his biological mum, you are trying to be the best you can for him and you need HIS help to achieve that. Tell him you love him very much and you realise he is going through a lot at the moment and is it very tough for him, explain you want to help if he will let you.
Tell him you don’t want him to go to Grandmas but want to work hard at being the best family you can be, but give him the choice to go if he wants to… maybe offer a 4 week trial to give you all some space and to ease the tension.
Ask the MIL to not spoil him with bribes and allowing him to do whatever he wants, hopefully he will see that the best place for him is with you and his dad.
This is so hard for you all and I wish you well and hopefully things will get better, much love to all 
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Your son needs counseling. He needs time to grieve. You have raised a good kid who found out his mom died years ago. He wasn’t given time to grieve. He is gonna say things to hurt you because he hurts. He needs a safe place to talk about his emotions- grandma taking over is though wrong decision for your family. He can’t run from you his life. He needs to know even though his mom isn’t a part of his life- has never been/ he needs to know he is a missing part of yours. He has every right to be mad and sad. He needs to know especially with another baby on the way he still matters to the ones who love him!!
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Counseling for all - and instead of a whooping - offer more hugs, time to listen and time for him to grieve. Try not to take it personally- he’s hurting and doesn’t know how to filter. Hugs to all
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I’m hearing a lot of “I don’t respect him and he don’t respect me.” Respect is earned, not automatic.
I suspect what’s the issue is a lack of compliance. And you’re pissed about that.
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Sounds like he has a lot of emotions and needs to know & feel there is a safe environment to express his feelings without offending you or your husband. At 7, he doesn’t know how to so in frustration it comes out as rage. Being a child and feeling abandoned by bio mom is a lot. Feeling of not fitting in or being included in the main family unit already and now another baby is on the way is a lot. Betrayed by not knowing his mother passed and then having a healthy environment to grieve her is a lot . Perhaps even feeling he is the problem especially if there is open or overheard discussions about him or negative conversation about the bio mom or grandmother. I wish I could remember the title, but I read a book that said if you tell your child you love them 6 times throughout the day, they will begin to believe it over time and behavior issues will significantly improve. Take the initiative for private conversations or activities where he can express himself without judgement from siblings or others. It took time but it helped us all tremendously. Good luck.
This is all a lot for a kid to handle (most adults wouldn’t be able to handle all of those different changes and situations) and you aren’t being patient enough with him while he tries to work through everything in his mind. Being with your mother in law, who sounds like was one of his only sources of stability as a small child, is really the best thing for him right now until he starts grasping everything that happened and why. Your whole family also needs to go to a real counselor. Best wishes for your family!
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You didn’t mention how long of his mother’s passing before you decided to tell the child so for one how do you expect him to respect you when you guys couldn’t even find respect to tell him that his own mother had died-that was a mistake on your guys part, in his life or not he deserved to know right Away. Next he is 7 he needs to be brought back home and learn grandma won’t “save” him when he doesn’t get his way it’s going to be messy and it’s not going to be easy but that’s exactly the problem parenthood isn’t easy biological or not there will always be bumpy roads and you guys as his parents need to stand your ground. Therapy is good and needs to continue but consistency between you your husband and your son also needs to be had. At the same time don’t forget his mother died and that can take years to heal especially in a young child but with time he will come around. Get him home set some rules and fight through it and in the meantime no running to grandmas she is not his parent you guys are so act like it.
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Take the family to an actual therapist. So you, your husband, the 7yr old even the mother in law. That will be your biggest help. School counselors arent that well trained typically so he probably isn’t getting much help.
Also dont “whoop him” in this situation it will only cause more problems and resentment.
You and your husband have to stay a united front on the discipline and in general. It’ll be hard but it’ll all work out in the end.
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I think he needs to see someone who specializes in attachment disorders. Imagine being an 8 year old whose mother abandoned him and is now dead. This is so much for an 8 year old to even begin to try and understand.
I highly disagree with your mom’s assessment that you just need to “whoop him”.
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I agree with the family counseling comment. But I also feel that he needs his own therapist, someone he goes to by himself and is able to express himself and say his peace without you or dad in the room.
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Might want to strip it all down to something more simple.Make him feel more secure and then tell him his mother passed away asap.It might seem like he’s being disrespectful but it’s probably that he feels abandoned and unwanted.Different people just have different ways of expressing their sadness.
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Jesus, poor kid is 8 years old! His mother has been dead (in his mind) less than a year, his father has packed him off to his grandmother and you’re already planning on him shipping out in ten years. On top of all that, you’re replacing him with your own baby!
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All of you need counseling! It’s a heavy story for a 7yr old to grasp! Seems like the adults need some help too. Build back the trust and daily respectfulness while confronting his pain. It may last for years as he grows to understand the complex situation. But be consistent in love and get counseling!
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My 11 yr old daughter still struggles with wanting her bio mom and we were blessed with her at age 2.
I am not sure that feeling will ever go away. Just bc you love him and provide for him doesn’t mean he understands any of that.
Our gets constant therapy for emotional support. Just this year she stoped mentioning her bio mom and has no desire to be with her. It takes time, they know we love them what they don’t understand is why their bio doesn’t! Only love and time changes that.
I believe in hand spankings but in this type of issues it doesn’t work, it will only make it worse. When he says those mean and hurtful things remember to tell him, I am the one here for you and I will be here for you till my last breath. It’s okay your angry but I am not the one you are angry with, she is and I understand that.
Discipline for this is going to back fire on y’all.
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Bottom line, you all need some guidance. I don’t mean that in a harsh way either. It’s clear you love him and want better for him but, he’s struggling and so are you and your husband. It’s not going to get better on its own, you need to be equipped with the tools to support him and to deal with your own feelings as well. Please make it a priority to seek professional help.
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Look at it from his point. He was bullied about his bio mum and then found out she had passed. His little mind cannot compute all that information and he is lashing out. I agree with your MIL that keeping him at hers to lay down respect and boundaries is a good idea. It may be worth using this time to visit and try to rebuild a relationship with him. Create a bond and closeness, but know that this will take time and effort. You have a long journey ahead but you must put in every effort to help him. He is a very upset little boy who needs understanding and empathy
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It seems like he really needs to talk to someone and is lashing out because he is grieving his mother. Even if she wasn’t a part of his life, it’s his mother and is thinking about how he lost the chance to get to know her which is why he’s taking it out on you. I would try to find a good therapist for him to talk to so he can work through his emotions right now
What you need to understand is that he is mourning the memories HE HAS when it comes to his mother. Despite the type of parent she was, he is still gonna love and miss her. A school counselor is not remotely qualified to give the child the help he needs. He needs a professional psych dr for children his age to process what he feels right now. Its a lot of changes at once for a child to have to cope with. Mom is dead, new baby, and guess what? Close to the age many kids begin to go through puberty. You don’t whip a child just bc he says hurtful things or is having issues with depression among other things. Get the child some help, try some positive reinforcement and try making it less all about you
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Well he is only seven and does not have any emotional maturity at all so of coarse he’s going to throw things in your face , how ever you do have life skills and you obviously care for the little guy so take a deep breath let yr MIL care for him and in the means time don’t stress this is normal behaviour under the circumstance as much he is being a pain in the butt he has no tools , no understanding or be able to put it all into perspective , you have the opportunity to have a break while you are pregnant just let be what will be and let your mil try to tackle this for now and try very very hard not to let it emotionally get to you.
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I had a pretty fucked up childhood…with that being said, it sounds to me like he stopped respecting yall when you with held the information about his mom passing. He is 7, yes, but kids deserve the truth too. I understand it from your perspective by trying to protect him but that is a HUGE thing to keep from a child. No matter how shitty his bio mom is, that is still his mom. (I know that’s not what you want to hear but that is the truth.) I didn’t have a good relationship with either parent as a child and I CRAVED their love. I think it would be best that you and your husband sit and had a conversation with him individually and see what is hurting him. He is hurting and doesn’t know how to deal with the hurt. I couldn’t imagine grieving someone who I didn’t know AND finding out I had been lied to my whole life at the same time…and I am an adult. The disrespect has to stop but maybe try to help him instead of constantly criticizing. I understand you are fed up…most parents go through that at one point or another but it seems like you are more concerned about how you feel as opposed to how this 7 year old baby does.
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It is a lot for them to handle and he takes it out on you because he loves you and knows your love is unconditional. He would benefit from Therapy, if that is something you all are good with. I have a similar situation and therapy helps.
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Just tell him “I may not have created you but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you any less”
It’s his way of lashing out because he’s hurt… just love him and ignore his words
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He, you, and your husband need individual and family counseling as a group to get at the root of each of your problems with the situation. He obviously probably needs grief counseling too.
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School counselors are great but what you need is a child/ family counselor. He needs to be able to talk with a counselor who specializes in children’s behavior. It would also be great for you to have some counseling sessions with him. Hang in there momma. You and your husband are doing great. Remember he is now trying to understand the death of his bio mother while also expecting a new sibling. He may be wrestling with thoughts that you will love the new baby more because it is biologically yours. What I say is from experiences with my own nephews. This is a lot for an adult to process emotionally. I cannot imagine the struggle a child is having. He needs an outlet for the pain and confusion he is having. Some kind of family activity where he sees that no matter how hard he pushes that mommy and daddy are not leaving him.
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You and your husband should sit down with him an explain that you’re the only mom he has and he will NOT treat you this way. It’s hurtful and unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. As well as getting him a therapist to help him cope and learn what is healthy behavior and what is not. Good luck and God Speed to you all.
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Some children under yr heart and some grow in it.
Biology doesn’t determine who is a mother. Its good to acknowledge both mums in any conversation.
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This whole story and some of the comments. Are really confusing to me. I think it’s because every situation is super different from the next.
My daughter is 9.
& doesn’t really remember her birth giver anymore. & I’ve actually legally adopted her this past year as well. She’s always remembered me as mom.
Same (time frames) of everything you said only she’s still alive.
& she’s always called me mom. & started to call her by her first name. So as far back as she can remember. I’m mom. & the other person is someone who gave birth to her but it’s not her mom.
So I’m guessing he remembers her a lot more than my daughter does hers?
I’m guessing he’s grieving. But I couldn’t imagine my daughter telling me those things. I’d be so so so so so hurt.
I think the best thing for him to be right now is with you.
He needs your support. Your love. Your light, wisdom comfort. Even if he doesn’t want it right now. He needs you.
He needs his real mom right now. You.
Give him your undivided attention right now. Cuz he’s the one that needs it the most. I personally think this could be a very defining critical moment in your relationship.
& pushing him away is the worst thing you could do.
&
I family counseling would help.
But, this is on you baby girl. Make that boy feel loved. 
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He needs a therapist. Abandonment problems especially with his mother need to be addressed. She is also passed now. And whether you feel shes “dead and gone now” thats a huge feeling on top of other big feelings hes already had to hold on to. Be patient with him. Give him a breather at grandma’s for a weekend and he needs to come home and you guys talk about his feelings being overwhelming. Tell him you understand. Hug him, love on him. He confused with all these big emotions and he just wants to feel secure.
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Every time he says something ugly just look at him and tell him “well that sucks you feel that way but we love you, i love you, your siblings love you” and send him to his room.
Every single time he says mean thungs respond with love- his dad needs to do the same.
Hes almost 8- he’ll grow out of this in time with reinforced love and counseling. He does need therapy and you BOTH need to take a step back and realize how much hes hurting. He mentally is trying to grasp not having a mother and kids at school bullying him HAS TO STOP. if the teachers dont do anything take him out of that school and put him in another school or class room.
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Let him grieve and get him counseling. You are not his mother, and he is a hurting for her. Let him work through it. Right now it is about him, not you.
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He’s 7 and his world as he knew it has turned completely upside down.
He needs help to sort out his head and heart.
His world is so much smaller than ours and now he’s dealing with 1. You’re not his “real” mum. 2. His real mum is dead. 3. Why did his real mum not want him. 4. Will you love this new child more than him? 5. Why did you and daddy lie to him? 6. Will daddy love the new child more as well?.
Not trying to guilt you but I too have a half sister and we went through the same shit with my sister as she is not my dads real kid.
Do family counseling for you all. And just reassure him that you love him no matter what.
Good luck xxx
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Family counseling is definitely needed in this situation…also see if there is a BigBrother program available. I experienced a similar situation with my oldest son and my husband(not his biological father)…it escalated to involving the police…the decision I had to make was truly heartbreaking for me…we had done therapy to no avail…he was reprimanded to a family we had known for several years…she was a child psychologist and we thought that was the best for him at that time…I didn’t see him for several years…he was only 14…a piece of me died the day I signed those papers…
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The whole family needs therapy. There are some really big feelings here to unpack for all of you and the only way you can successfully do that is with professional help. Little man also needs to come back home. You need to do this as a United family.
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The kid is freaking 7 years old and his mom died. The needs a professional therapist and he needs supportive parents and 100 percent no punishment for his emotions!!! Time to be sensitive and selfless…if you aren’t careful he could develope susidial thoughts. Be very careful with how you handle him and don’t be defensive. Make him feel loved and supported.
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My husband and I have been together for 12 years and my stepson was 5 when we met. It wasn’t until around 4-5 years in that he truly began to trust I wasn’t going anywhere and lived him equally. It’s different for everyone but if you don’t give up it will happen.
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Your family needs good counseling. All together including your mil. This is way way way to much for a FB advice. Let him know you & your husband love him and will not leave him and his grandma is right he will see that both houses have rules. Right now he’s just using it to manipulate. That is why professional help is needed for the entire family
Therapy. He needs to work it on therapy. It is not possible to a 8 yo to handle it on his own, or you as it is. Your family needs therapy. It will be all right after that. He will understand, accept, be part of the family. I have been there.
He is a 7yo and has been dealt a hard start to life but please remember that this little person has feelings that he doesnt understand. Let him feel his feeling and just sit and listen to him i know its hard to hear, being told your not his mama but the reality of it is TRUTH. I have always told my ‘step daughter’ yes honey you are right ‘im not your mama, but it doesnt change how much i love you’ and honestly we had some very rough hard years she is 12 now and i would consider her and i very close i just kept telling myself that ONE DAY one day it will all be worth it!
Now im not saying that let him do what he wants and live where ever now os the time to show him that no matter what you and his dad are there for him during these hard times. Family first blood or not get through the hard times to make room for the good times together.
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Counseling. He sounds like he may have reactive attachment disorder. Look it up my daughter (not bio but raise with no bio mom since 1) sound so similar. She is 13 now. Hugs to you I know how hard it is stay strong!
Sounds like he’s grieving. Maybe upset because you didn’t tell him immediately that his mum had died. He didn’t get to go to a funeral etc like you normally would when someone passes.
Could you go to some sort of family councilor all together and individually, surely the school counselor doesn’t go into as much detail as a private one would (I haven’t had experience with either so don’t really know) . It just sounds like he’s extremely upset about his bio mum and needs help to get past it.
Take a deep breath, he is safe with your mil and it isn’t a competition and it gives you space and time to all heal, including him, he is a child and sometimes life is an overload of information and emotions.
Relax and try to find the positive,s his grandmother is his chosen safe place and that has to be a comfort to your husband.
Time is what is needed and as his knowledge grows and his understanding he will be able to put this all in context, your all being to hard on yourselves, show him love and he will feel secure, he is still very young and obviously not comprehending all this.
Good luck, time solves most issues be strong for each other and thank God for nanna she is the safe place.
Hun, he needs therapy and so do you all as a family. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain he is suffering, and the impact on all of you from this whole situation. All the best.
Whatever you do, don’t send him to live with his grandparents. Dad should be the one to deliver the message that going to live with grandparents is off the table. He may need some counseling, but don’t neglect needed discipline. Neglecting either will cause problems in the future. You need to talk to the school about the bullying. If they are bullying him about you not being his bio-mom, then they are or will bully him about other things. Be the moma bear he needs you to be and dad needs to be the man, your son needs him to be.
Youre not his mom. You need to be ok with that. Youre better because you chose him. Act accordingly. Be the badass you are and dont act out of anger or resentment. Look at all this through his eyes and treat him how you would need to be treated if it were you in his shoes. He sounds like hes in pain dont return his actions with anything that causes more pain.
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You start out calling him your son ( just not bio)… But by the end you are worried about his affect on your children…
Kids feel that.
He is either one of your children, or a step son… All kids with big emotions will fight & push - if it’s your kid, you fight to help them… You don’t fight them.
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he needs grief counseling. and then you all need family counseling regarding the situation in general. it will be okay with time. it’s temporary. he’s overwhelmed with emotions and confused and just needs help to work through it. don’t stress.
Okay so I got to he co constantly throws it in my face now even after he knows,
All I’m gonna say to you is, KEEP LOVING HIM LIKE HES YOUR OWN AS YOUR DOING. hes 7 years old…
Probably hasnt got full control of his emotions right now…but just keep saying to him, I’m your mother and nothing what you say or do will ever change that, when your ready to talk about it I’m allways here…
He wont understand right now how your his rock but a couple years down line hes gonna know your his mummy, just stay strong
I’ve been in exact situation…my biological mother is passed an I have my mum who raised me now and in forever grateful just hang on in there xx
He’s hurting and maybe scared you’ll leave him too? At 7 acting out and lashing out is probably the only way he knows to express himself. He probably doesn’t even understand exactly what he’s feeling other than hurt. Hurt that his bio mom abandoned him and he’ll never know her. Unfortunately she’s not here for him to take it out on and it’s falling onto you and your husband. Stay consistent with your love and punishment for the bad behavior as its not acceptable no matter what. While still doing counseling so he can learn to correctly deal with these feelings. I strongly believe being sent to grandma’s is sending him the wrong message and she’s out of place as she’s not mom and dad. He’s got to learn you can’t run to grandma’s and get your way or you’ll lose control of him forever and he’ll be a nightmare in his teenage years.
That poor boy imagine finding all that out at seven and then being sent to your grandmothers ( even if it was his request I doubt deep down it’s what he wants he’s lashing out )
And this not an insult to you because I can imagine it must be hard … but if you loved him like your own would you of shipped one of your own off to your mil …
I feel that he should be with you, he probably struggles hard with abandonment issues… He’s probably pushing boundaries to see that you won’t do the same as his bio mom 
Have you tried family or play therapy? I’m sorry it’s affecting you/your husband’s mental health too… I’d definitely try individual therapy too, just as an outlet! Physical punishment is definitely not the way.
Tell him he can stay with grandma a short period of time then he has to come home and work at being a family. Tell him his help is needed as a big brother. Hope you can all work it out in therapy as a family.
Counseling is good - you need to put yourself in his place, and try to understand his behavior. He does not have a way to understand what he is feeling let alone give voice to it. It sounds like he is very angry and hurt to find out you are not his biological mother. Something was communicated and received by him in that conversation that hurt him deeply. It could be that someone told him before you did and he denied it and fought with someone over it - only to later be told you indeed are not his mother. Of course, I have no way of knowing this - but imagining something like this and/ or other scenarios that would deeply hurt him, will help you to put yourself in his situation and see that he is acting out of hurt. I would start by sitting him down and telling him that you are hurting because to you - you are his real mom - that you love him 100 percent, and in fact, he is special because he is your first baby. Don’t expect all of his anger to go away immediately it will take time, but I strongly believe he needs you - not to believe he is grieving for his bio mom - but that he is grieving for YOU. Until recently he believed he was your firstborn child, and now he believes he is not. He is hurting!
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This is about the age that my daughter started doing this. It is a test of boundries. We went to counseling. Find a child therapist not a family therapist. We learned boundries and consequences that it is imperative to not cave on those. Be firm and do not give in no madder what. No negotiating at all until the respect comes. It took us about a year in therapy and im happy to say we are in a much better place. We learned tools on how to communicate and how to show our emotions constructively. A feeling board was really helpful for us. It was pointed out that when she could identify her feelings that i was much more understanding to what was happening. Children at that age know they have the feeling yet lack the tools to know what to do with them and this is where counseling helped us. Hang in there Mama it is a tough age.
He needs family trauma counseling to deal with the past. He seems to be treating you & his dad the way he was treated by his mother, sounds like he has PSTD due to the relationship with his mom & now dealing with her death which he may feel you held from him even if it was with good reason. Sorry you have to deal with this, my friend deals with similar yet more extreme with her 15yr old. Get help for him now be cause the system does not have anything in place for teens. As far as mil, she is grandma let her help but not over step her bounds. you are both his parents still it gives him & you all a break from each other at times
You are the one person he can lash out at and know you still love him. Take the hate and turn it to love. When he says I hate you tell him that is ok and you still love him. You are his safe place. I do suggest Counselling. He needs to talk to some one emotionally removed from the situation
He is 7 and does not have the intellectual or emotional capacity to express the deep primal wound of being given up, loss of mother etc. He rages at you/husband because 1. Your safe for him. 2. He does not have the words to articulate the complexity of his life in his little self. He pushing you away seems like he is re enacting “being given away”. Alot of adopted kids do.this, no matter the reason.
Build new relationship with him. Make dates with him while he staying at his grandma’s.
Good book to read is primal wound about adopted kids. Might give you insight
I dont want to point finger at anyone but This mama is looking for advice to better the situation and a mama myself that can be really hard especially when you almost instantly labeled as ‘THE STEPMOM’ we are expected to do all that a mother does and yet have no say or decision making in the process. Please be more gentle with your words
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His bio mom died and no one told him. He has a right to be angry and he has a right to grieve. I do believe right now with the best place he can be is that his grandparents.
Maybe once you’ve grieved and talk to a real psychologist not a school counselor maybe things will start to soothe over. But until then he’s not in the wrong lying to him was wrong.
One more thing spank a child that is grieving stupid and not punishable. The father in yourself on the other hand I’m not so sure
Counseling with a good counselor would/should help. Kids at your son’s age think concretely and cannot wrap their heads around concepts and ideas very well. Best of luck.
He needs to see a psychiatrist and not the school councilor. He needs to know that his behavior isn’t going to be tolerated. Sit down and talk with him. Ask him what he would do if he was the parent and his child talked to him that way. Sometimes just treating them like their opinion matters will help. Good luck.
Poor guy! He’s hurting and dealing with a lot of big emotions. He loves you, but you may be a reminder that his mom is gone and of the lack of relationship he had with her. I would really try not to take it personally and not implement corporal punishment as that will cause further emotional distress. Definitely get him in with a good therapist. Hope things get better
In my experience , school counselors are not willing/ aren’t trained enough to help with real problems . Maybe try to take him to a family therapist or grief counselor.
He needs a therapist. An actual one, not a school counselor. Further, on top of a child therapist I would seek out family therapy. That way not only is he getting the help he needs on an individual level but also your family is getting the help needed to work together through what he’s going through. I don’t think him moving in with his grandparents is going to help. These kinds of issues aren’t something that you can run from. Something like this needs to be dealt with before it continues to manifest into more negative episodes.
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He needs some professional counseling. Maybe all 3 of you. He needs to grieve the death of his bio mom and he doesn’t know how. He’s releasing it in anger. They can help him with the process. He’s old enough to understand that for whatever reason bio mom “didn’t want him” I’m 34 my bio dad wasn’t really there for me…he recently passed and it’s hard at my age to process and I have so many unanswered questions.
I have similar issues with my 11yo. I’ve been in his life since he was 7 and he’s never had his birth mother around either. Due to drugs.
Honestly there’s not much we can do about the situation. When he’s disrespectful to me or doesn’t listen. We just turn it and I remind him everything I do for him is by choice because I love him and want him to be successful and him being disrespectful and not listening won’t earn him any favors.
Sometimes you just gotta act like it doesn’t phase you. It sucks when you do everything for someone and they don’t appreciate it or pretend they don’t.
After he found out his mom passed than he seemed to struggle and on top of it he sees you pregnant knowing your not his real mother ( to him) that he also sees you have a baby with his father and your both gonna be the biological parents of your second child so he’s acting out and pushing his self away from both of you! That’s my opinion
He needs help. Now. before it progresses.his aggressive behavior could put your new born at risk if he gets physical at all. It’s possible dcf will get involved if they feel that your other children are at risk. I can’t imagine how scared you are under the circumstances. Get him the help that he needs and continue to love and care for him while he struggles through whatever he is feeling.
I know I’m for the most part alone in this but I personally feel him spending time at Grandma’s is a good thing for now. As Melanie Johnston stated, he’s got a lot he’s copeing with. A break from the confusion of his home along with professional counseling may be just what he needs.
He needs some therapy to find healthy ways to cope. Don’t take it to heart at all, he’s young and doesn’t understand it all