As someone who just lost both their parents within ten months I can tell you it’s rough. I couldn’t imagine losing them at 7. You have to remember that because he hasn’t seen his mum since he was 4 he’s probably grieving for the fantasy of what he thinks his mum was also, not just the reality of her behaviour. Compassion is key here and time will tell. Just hang in there 
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He and your family need counseling immediately. This should not be seen as weakness, but as seeking help to strengthen your family. Separately, I don’t know the details of why his mother wasn’t involved, lost custody, etc…is there a chance he was drug or alcohol exposed in utero? I’m sorry your family is going through this but he needs support and consistency. I worry he will leave his grandmother next
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I would make some special time for you and him at least once a week. Go grab a milkshake, take a walk, go to the park, etc. Put it on the calendar and make it happen, no matter his behavior during the week.
And counseling for all of you. Whether he likes it or not, you are a part of his family.
As far as your MIL, you and your husband need to sit down and talk with her. Encourage their relationship and ask for help with him. But at the same time, let her know that she has to stay in her role as grandparent and not parent.
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He needs a professional therapists that can help him process his anger and grief. He is so young and experiencing a lot of big emotions. He is probably angry due to the loss of his bio mom, and feeling bad for being angry at her. Kids lash out at the people who they feel safe with. He knows that his father loves him, so its its safer to be angry at him than to feel anger towards someone who was never there.
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Sounds like he is going through quite a lot at such a young age and does not really know how to handle it. Even though he knows you are there for him he still feels abandoned in a way. Being bullied at school does not help. Other kids can be so cruel when they dont know or care to know a situation someone else is in. I agree with a lot of the others on here that some individual and family therapy/ counseling from a profeasional will benefit a lot. It will help him work through what he doesnt understand and will better help you and your husband to help him. Stay strong, you are doing a great job.
I commend you for wanting better for him. A lot of women do not want to take up that role that you have. But I agree that everyone needs some guidance and you need some structure from a professional to help all of you. But also you know she was a bad mother but children will never see that. Keep her existence alive for him not for you. Have pictures in his room, make an album but make it together,so that he knows it’s ok to think of her and love her but also that you love him like a son. And that maybe when he’s ready that he can welcome you into his life. Let him know you’re gonna be there for him. He’ll come around when he sees consistancy. But your husband also needs to make him see too that you’re trying and not going anywhere. The more anger there is, the more he’s gonna associate this situation as being bad.He’s too young to understand but as time goes on and he becomes a big brother maybe things will change,but involve him in that. Also the grandparents need to be on board because if they decide to take him thinking its better, then the hard part will never go away and it will take longer. Do it now not when he’s a teen.
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My bio dad gave up his rights when I was 2. My dad adopted me. I always knew I was not his without being told. I’m 43 and still struggle with it. Your son was abandoned by his bio mother he is young and confused. Individual and family therapy I feel would help . I’m really sorry that your family is struggling. You have the right to your feelings and so does he. If you have not been abandoned by your parents you will never understand how that feels.
I’d explain to him what kind of life he’d have had she lived and had he lived with her and tell him how good he has it. Show him pictures of the two of you from. When he was little. Maybe spend one on one time with him and it’s. Gonna be rough for awhile but 7 is a rough age and them little bastards at school aren’t helping… Who tf makes fun of a kid for having a step mom. In this day and age hardly anyone has their bio parents still together. At least in my area
I would be concerned that someone has said something or bullied him over the fact his bio mum has past and reminding him he has no one, that your not his bio mum.
I feel like maybe your abit hurt that the child doesn’t want to live with yous not that a 7 year old should get to decide. I recommend you seek help. So you can vent about this in a safe place and actually receive help in moving forward and problem solving
A school counselor isn’t enough. He needs to see someone that specializes in grief in children. School counselors are not trained in this area. He is going through a lot. I know it’s hard to not take it personally. But he is not in control of his emotions.
He needs more help than you’re able to offer. I’m feeling like he is saying he doesn’t respect you guys cuz you held the news of his mother’s passing. He should have been allowed to say goodbye and to grieve.
This is a lot. You may feel like your MIL is over stepping her boundaries but I think she’s just trying to help seeing how she was a mother figure to him for so long. This poor kid has been through a lot and he doesnt have the tools to deal with it. You all probably need to go through some counseling. It’s a lot for every single person involved. Be patient, be understanding and DO NOT put blame on his biological mom. That’s not going to help. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this, and I can understand your anger but you cannot project that on that kid. It will only make things worse. Good luck, mama. And congrats on your new baby.
The boy is hurting, he doesnt know how to process all these big feelings. Make sure to just keep loving him, and find him the help he needs. A school councilor might not be enough, and it sounds like the whole family would benefit from therepy, together and individually.
This boy needs more than a school counselor he needs more professional help and it sounds like your husband needs some help too to learn how to deal with him, you are both his parents and you should be getting help together as a family, he shouldn’t be at the MIL house, you are a family and need a proper help and your son needs to see that you are fighting for him and helping him fit into the family unit again, I wish you the best of luck
I read this and first my heart goes out to you and your husband this has to be a horrible thing to deal with . I would find a good reputable councilor/ psychiatrist… This goes deep and he needs help to sort his feelings out and learn how to deal with them …sometimes everyone of us needs help with this. …The councilor will be able to evaluate this situation and give advice and choices for you and your husband to decide together on what is best for this young man
The sick park is the constant bulling and reminder that your not the biological parents.
I mean who dose this to an innocent kid without his knowledge…good God.
Let him stay with your mil for now, things will get better, I think you all need a break, and your mil is giving that to you guys, and I also think with some time, and some reassurance of you guys being there for him, he will work it out 
My youngest is 8 and I think of how little he still is to me. 7 and to have gone through all of this?..tragic
Is he in counselling? Sometimes an outside support will help a child to see things.
You are his mother SHE was an incubator! He needs serious counseling, more than school is providing
Get him into counseling asap!! If not his behavior may get worse. Interview specialist. if the first one doesn’t work out keep trying until you and hubby find one that helps him!!
So he left his grandparent at 4, a year later you have a kid and now another one. It doesn’t sound like you gave him anytime to adjust.
First take care of yourself till that baby arrives Then bring that boy home and drop the hammer till he walks the line up
Reading deeper, I see a child with attachment disorder type behaviour. Its not about respect. Please research AD and RAD and change your parenting style to support him better (sorry, I’m not meaning to have a go but these conditions require a different handling process and as adults its up to us to change our style on order to support better)
Poor baby. Hes going through alot and probably doesnt really understand how he feels. He needs to talk to someone to help him through it.
Sounds like he needs some serious mental health counseling.
He needs Attatchment therapy.
If still available through covid I recommend PCIT. And positive reinforcement and a ton of reassurance. Maybe find some pics of bio mommy and talk about the positives about her. Let him have closure by taking him to her grave. Give him some control as well when it comes to certain things. Give him a diary. Find something for him to consistently be involved in. My children are going through a ton of different phases due to me separating from their father. So I got them a dirt bike. I keep them active and adventurous so that they don’t dwell. I am the bad guy right now everything is my fault they want a new mommy they want to run away with daddy. It hurts but it’s valid.
I agree with counseling trauma focus and grief. The little boy is only 7 and has been through a lot his bio mom leaving him, being bullied at school, you being pregnant and being withheld important information about his bio mom. He is traumatized and at that age kids most of the time do not come right out and ask for help. His emotions are scattered and the way kids call for help is by lashing out. Frankly you and dad are the easy go to target to lash out to. I understand his bio mom might have been crappy but that is still his mom. Put yourself in his shoes and finding out the woman who gave birth to you abandoned you, died and now your step mom is pregnant. How would you feel? He is overwhelmed and probably feels like you are trying to replace him. He needs trauma focus therapy. That is what will help him the best. But in the meantime get the boy back from your MIL because he also needs to know boundaries aside from his feelings. Then you, dad, him and your MIL sit down together and let him from the start that he can get it all off of his chest without any punishments and criticism. Be open to his reactions just make sure he is not hurting himself or others physically. It may get ugly and he may say things that hurt and painful to hear but it is a step you have to be willing to take so that he knows when something is bothering him he can talk about it. But also while talking make sure to let him know that he can not run to his grandma when things go south or he feels he doesnt want to listen. Because what that does is he knows someone is shielding him and will be there to come to his rescue everytime he gets into trouble. In reality that only causes more instability for a child and can be very harmful to the development of a child. Because in their mind well mom and dad wont give me this or let me get away with this but grandma will come everytime. So after all his feelings and emotions are let out set rules that are age appropriate. But through all of this remember to stay calm do not yell at him, do not get physical. Just hear him out. Kids tend to bottle up their emotions and it is a time bomb waiting to go off so they feel they getting ready to explode and nothing else will fit in his bottle. The only way to empty that bottle is to hear him out. Everyone has a different perspective on things. You may see that the stuff he has been through is normal but for kids they try to blame themselves for an absent parent. You need to see his perspective through his eyes. But rest assured he will come around it takes time and effort on everyone’s behalf. Also, remind him that bio or not you still love him as your own and let him know that being a bio mom is not a determination on who can mother him but just simply someone who gave birth to him. And let him also know that in no way are you trying to replace her. He may feel as if you are trying to take her place. And if so be humble and let him know otherwise. However i dont know if you are or not so dont take this the wrong way but if that is your intention then that is the root of your problem that needs to be addressed. All problems have a root that is deeper than the surface. And if this is the root of the problem then you got to take a step back and give him his space. Another thing that can be affecting him and you dont realize it is the fact you and your husband are bad mouthing his mom. Whether in front of him or not if he even hears a discussion about her that can send him in a downward spiral as well. Because now he may feel okay they dont like my mom but i love my mom. He may feel as if you kept him from her. There is a lot of different scenarios but things you may need to realize. Sit down and make a list of everything he is going through no matter how rough such as things he may hear yall say about his mom, moms death, you getting pregnant, marrying his dad, mom abandoning him, being bullied etc. And once you do that now you can focus on ways to turn that around and help him through it. Kids are sponges and they absorb the energy around them good or bad. You gotta change the energy and vibe around him for any child to grow and have healthy relationships with parents, siblings etc. Because if this isnt addressed now there can be a hate relationship he will have towards the baby which is not good. Hope this helps. My inbox is open. Prayers for you and your family on strengthening this bond together. Remember it takes everyone to make this happen. Not just him
I’m going to get a ton of backlash for this, I’m sure.
When he brings up the biological facts. Ask him where his mother is? I know it is harsh but actions have consequences and if he wants to act like Billy badass, the game on. When he gives you a BS reply. Ignore him. I think it’s high time that the young boy learns the harsh reality that is his “birth” mother (egg donor.) Talk to your husband and explain that the boy needs to know his birth mother is deceased. Might be an eye opener for the kid and he might straighten up knowing he doesn’t have a mother and she didn’t give a shit enough raise him or see him for several years. He needs to not have an escape route to grandma’s house when he has his fits. With the news of his mother, expect things to get worse and different. He will need someone to talk to. Someone to see him and possibly offer recommendations and or medication. Somewhere along the lines he learned it’s ok to behave like this and I hate to say it, but hes been allowed. Whatever his punishments have been this far haven’t worked. Also, you’re not a “step mom” you’re the mom that stepped up. And in this situation, that couldn’t be more true. You picked him and he needs to understand that he was a choice you made and you weren’t forced to be his mom. You wanted to be his mom. Hes lucky to have you and I wholeheartedly believe things would be different if he knew the facts. You also dont want him teaching your other children that his behavior is ok. I’m a firm believer that kids today are partially the way thet are because parents are scared of good old fashioned punishment. Kids used to respect elders because if not, they got an ass whooping. Now, kids are allowed to act like this because parents didnt teach them early on. Not saying that’s the case because I dont know you guys. I’m just sayin it’s the reality in most cases.
You need to remember YOU ARE HIS MOM AND YOURE DOING THE BEST JOB.
I fully understand the trials of being a step mom and its a tough gig. I feel for you.
God bless you guys!!!
Sending him away doesn’t help the feelings of abandonment he’s already dealing with over his bio mom. He needs professional counselling, as do you and his dad.
He’s hurting and is expressing it but putting pain on others. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Therapy for sure and just keep loving him.
Behavior therapy. Family therapy for all of you. He needs to know he isn’t in charge for one. But also he needs to be able to grieve properly. He’s not gonna get the closure he wants with his bio mom, and that’s a hard thing to deal with.
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Therapy will help him a heck of a lot more than whooping him. Try to put yourself in his shoes. Death is hard on adults and even though you may think he doesn’t remember his bio mom, he does. He needs therapy, love and attention not to get hit.
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Sounds like he is grieving for his mother he may not know all of that. but maybe he remember the good things that why young children react differently when you come at them with bagging his mother who’s no longer here.
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What you have is a confused young child. Who has had a really hard and confusing start to life. Now his biological mum has died. I dont imagine at 8 you know if your coming or going. If as a family you cannot give him the compassion he needs maybe he is best to stay with his nan till things are more settled. Right now he needs unconditional love not focusing on his behaviour. Grief is hard enough as an adult.
He has to have counseling better than the school one. He needs to home with you his real mother. Let him know always that you are his real mother!! Never got him but you can punish him in other ways if you have to. Take away something he values till he behaves. Show him you love him. As much as you can. His father needs to always let him know that you are his real mother and that his birth mother only gave birth to him. Do all this and stick to it
He will come out of it. You and his father work on this together. It will get better. Keep him away from your mil. She is a lot of the problem. If you need to talk message. Stick to your guns.
He is going through an extremely difficult phase in his life. He may not have had a great or even existent relationship ship with his birth mom, she gave up rights just like an adoption, but that doesn’t mean he isnt grieving the hope of having a relationship with her. I personally highly suggest some sort of therapy, or activities like kid support groups that he can express his emotions to other kids who understand. Continually show him your love and never give up.
He’s 7 years old. He doesn’t fully understand everything going on, and I’m sure has a lot in his kid mind going on. My opinion would be to make him come home. No 7 year old should get to decide that, and he will see he can just throw a fit to get what he wants. Go to therapy. Family therapy. Find the root cause of all of the issues. Sounds like there was more issues before the mom died and that just ripped the ice burg
May b u can indulge his energies else where… Any thing he is interested in… A hobby, a game that will help him out in distress.
Lady you are not his mom. He lost his mom has a right to grieve. Gees, give it a break.
One word— therapy. If you love him, get him therapy to deal with his grieving.
He needs counseling and more then the school counselor can give. He needs help with the grieving
Amy Vowles agree with you. However, I do not see the mother in law overstepped at all.