So I have an eight-year-old bonus daughter and also children of my own. I make sure they all have nice clothes. I never send them anywhere in anything I wouldn’t wear myself in public. My bonus mom sends her over in dirty, ripped clothes. She would send her over with no jacket or shoes in the winter also. She got mad today because Her dad didn’t send her home in a specific pair of shoes that WE had bought her, claiming that she bought them. Might I add that we sent her back in the shoes she wore over from her mom’s? I sent her to school one day in a pair of brand new Adidas shoes and never seen them again for a whole year. She kept them at her house and said she bought those. Several times, she has stayed the night with us, and I would get her off to school; she would be suppose to be coming back to our house that evening. Her mom would check her out, put her in a different pair of old wore down shoes, then drop her off at my house. She bashes my husband on FB saying he does nothing for his child even though he pays child support and also takes care of her when she’s with us. I’m not trying to sound dramatic but idk what to do. It’s so aggravating to work hard to keep a child with nice clothes, for someone act this way! I’m steadily having to buy her extra clothes bc we can’t keep any at our house and I can’t really do anything about it. Any advice?!
This may sound petty…but I AM petty so…take a pic of her in what she arrives to your house in. Then when she goes home, put her in the exact clothes she arrives in (laundered of course) and send her on her way. Make sure to text the mom both pics so she knows you know what’s up. You might even want her to hold up a piece of paper or something with the date on it. Like I said, this might not be something you would want to do, but I’m a tad petty.
Wash the clothes she wears there and put them back on her when she goes back home. Also, learn to let go of something’s or else you’ll just be turning your wheels. Buying it or not does not justify asking for them
Back. Sucks but that’s how it is.
My daughter’s dad dresses her in the daggiest stuff I’ve ever seen! I just buy her some cheap (but still nice enough) outfits for her to go back to his in so she has nicer clothes there.
Send her back in moms clothes.
Mark the things you buy(put a small dot or star on the inside tag)I do that with my sons items since him and his cousin wear the same size and I know I buy the good stuff(usually on sale) I’m like that too. Or have her keep a change of shoes at the school.
Put her back in the clothes she was sent in
We had the same issue to my 3 bonus children. Their dad and I hated sending them to school in the trash she sent them in. After spending hundreds of dollars we started having them change into our clothes. Bring them to school and when they’d go back I’d make sure the clothes they can are washed! It’s super petty but unfortunately it’s the only way. I’m now doing it with and undies. 
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Send her back in the cloths she came in. Or go to the Second hand store and buy her some cloths that she can go back with.
Buy separate things that she can go there with that aren’t pricey. Take pics of what you buy with the recipet. Take another pic when she is being dropped off or collected. Write in every item you’re name. When she returns send a pic to them to return what she had and pic of receipt and pic of your name in the item. Send back kiddo in same outfit she goes there with.
Unfortunately alot of times they keep things to sell or use for other kids. Keep a note of everything.
You are doing great
My ex use to send the boys home in what I sent them in. He had his own clothes for them they wore specifically at his place.
Don’t let her visits be about clothes…omg it’s just going to make her feel bad You are parenting her so just buy her clothes let her take what she wants when she goes home, sorry lady… life’s not about being picky about who buys what. Let her enjoy the time she’s with you.
Keep alllll your receipts. So when she says she bought them on Facebook, you have proof. Only do this after taking months worth of pictures of what her mom sends her in. I would send her back in a $10 pair of Walmart shoes 
If you can afford it just give the kid nice clothes to wear at both places so it’s not an issue. My mom supplied all of my clothes at both her house and my dads and this was never an issue.
Went through the same thing. Made it very clear what we buy for her needs to come to our house. But it is a good idea to send her in stuff that came from the other parents house
We have somewhat same problem we take care of my stepson son fully and if he wears something that’s not name brand on his visit with his mom she will change his clothes and never sends it back it’s so frustrating because he doesn’t care about name brands he wants to dress like his siblings.
Yes take a pic of what the mom drops her off in and send her back with it. Let her keep the nice stuff at her dad’s house don’t stop buying her the nice stuff just don’t let her take it and if her mom starts bitching show her the pictures of how she brings her daughter. Your nice personally I would have went at her mother already thinking she gunna take stuff I paid for. I couldn’t be nice about it.
I’m really on the fence with this topic. I was that petty person in almost the exact same situation with my bonus son. Sometimes no shoes, clothes were always 2 or 3 sizes too small, dirty and stained. I sent him home with clothes and shoes that fit but she still tried to get pissy about stuff I bought him that didn’t get sent back to her home. It drove me INSANE… Fast forward to this past summer after 3yrs of petty bullshit and his mom passed away. Bonus son is now with us fulltime and all the arguing was for nothing because as much as it sucked and made me a little bitter. I now have to raise a little boy without his real momma. I would just let it go. Frustrating? Yes, Worth the headache, no. Just start buying cheaper clothing if it’s that much of an issue. I know it does get expensive. At least you know she’s not going without and can enjoy having nice things while with mom too.
You tell her straight out that at pickup and drop off each parent brings a different set of clothes. YOUR OWN CLOTHES. Take a picture of your clothes. You DO NOT LET HER TAKE HER DAUGHTER without supplying a set of clothes and shoes for her to change into. That includes underwear and socks. If she drives all the way to your house WITHOUT THEM, MAKE HER GO BACK AND GET THEM. Even if she calls a police escort. You tell the officers she can have them as soon as she supplies her own clothes to put them in. That’s what my boyfriend has had to arrange with his ex. He brings our clothes for his kids at pickup and makes her bring her own when she comes to get them. DO NOT LET HER GET AWAY WITH THAT SHIT ANYMORE. Pardon my French. You’ve already let her take a mile. Don’t give her anymore. Take pictures of her when you send her to school and tell the school to let you know if she does that. Then I’d file a police report for theft. 
What I use to do was wash the clothing they were sent in and send them back in that outfit I was ok with sharing … but others weren’t.
That’s how my kids dad is. I never get anything back I send and they never come home in THEIR clothes. My kids come home in random clothes that’s too big like adult clothes and he gets angry if I say something about it 
I would send her back in the clothes she came in. Change her when she gets to your house but then before you send her back put her original clothes on. If she stays overnight wash them and put them back on before she goes.
Take pictures of the stuff you purchase along with the recepit (like take pictures with tags or in boxes with recepit) and if it continues to happen contact the police or a lawyer
I’d take pictures of all the clothes I bought and the receipts. Try not to drag the child in it. And send her home in the stuff she came from moms in. And if she drops her off in clothes that aren’t seasonal I would point it out every single time that she isn’t wearing proper seasonal apparel and tell her straight up that she can’t be dropping her off like that. You got to nip it in the butt! The clothes are for the child and if she keeps coming over in trash it makes me wonder if mom isn’t selling the good stuff you buy and making her wear the stuff she comes over in? Someone has to make a stand and say she’s not proper dressed and make a note of it. Document it! Its neglect in my opinion. The child needs to be properly dressed. And I would make it known to the mother than you will be taking a quick photo of the clothing on arrival to prove she isn’t properly dressed. And she has no right to demand any shoes or clothing regardless who bought them as they are the child’s clothing.
Why is this a question being asked here… Use a little sense… Dress her in the clothes she came in that her mother gave her… Keep what you all bought at your house
Send her back in the clothes she wore there
The hell u can’t keep any clothes at your house tf??? If you bought them they stay and if she doesn’t like it tough shit??? Keep a dresser at your house. send her back in exactly what she was sent in tell her to take u back to court if she doesn’t like it. Try telling a judge you with held the child over some petty ass shit like that and she will get laughed at. She’s the mom she’s not god. She is not the say all be all. And she’s probably selling the shit for $ anyways. Giving in and not wanting wanting to deal with it is why this keeps happening.
We had that problem too with my sons. (Step). When they get here, they change into our clothes, and I make sure their clothes they came in are washed and they go back to mom in what they came in. I’ve lost many a clothes because bio mom “lost them” or just didn’t give them back.
Pretty easy send her back with the clothes she came in.
She sounds like trash. I buy all my kids clothes and shoes - I hardly see them come back to my house because he goes to school in his dads district and i send a whole new wardrobe over 4 times a year. Each season. I like being the one that buys the clothes because he always looks nice. I ask him to bring the ones that are too small back so we can donate or resell. BUT his step mom literally steals them and put them away for kids which are 11 years younger. I never say anything
What we buy stays at our house for him to wear, play with, etc…whatever he wears from her house is washed and that is what he wears back…
We started this because anything we would buy and send with him got taken away from him and given to his younger brother…so we stopped that…now any clothes,shoes, toys, money etc is for our house…
Mum won’t be able to get away with stuff like that when the child is about 12. Kids start to get picky with their clothing around that age and will pick and change clothes on their own.
In the meantime, keep receipts of things you buy her so your husband can put a quick end to arguments if they’re brought up. And send her back to her mums in nice, inexpensive clothes that won’t be entirely missed if they don’t come back.
Your husband can return the pettiness in any way he likes, but best that you don’t. Stay out of it and just support your husband and the child.
We have a very similar issue. I can’t stand to put my bonus daughter in the stuff she comes in from her moms… most of it isn’t weather appropriate or is too small… so I just purchase a bunch of cheaper clothes that she can wear when she goes to her moms… and save the good stuff for our house… we do sometimes get the stuff back but often it is stained or looks super worn… just cut your losses and remember that it’s for the kiddo…
It’s ridiculous how common this situation is she is sending the child in chappy clothes because she knows you’ll replace them, which you already know! Wish I had answers
Send her in reasonable clothing. That way no loss and it’s no big deal.
Plain and simple send her back in the outfit that mom sent her in. When she comes Over wash the clothes that mom send but be sure she wear the exact same clothes that mom sent her in
I would send her back in EXACTLY the clothes she came in.
I would keep an extra jacket etc at your house incase her mom sent her without one like that again.
Hit a garage sale or goodwill and have extras of stuff. Good luck 
We wash and send my bonus baby home in what her mom sent her in. We keep our things here. Same thing happened to us and we stopped sending anything!!!
Take pictures of everything you buy next to the receipt and then take a picture of her wearing the shoes or clothes
Her mother needs to start acting like one because I always buy my kids clothes and shoes even if I go without . Maybe buy a few cheap outfits that still look nice to send her home in them at least you know she has some nice stuff to wear at home.
Buy her walmart clothes when age goes to visit, take time stamped picture of her when her mom picks her up and drops her off …
Just wash them when she comes home send her in what she came in duhhh
I would send her back to mom’s in what she came in… if you send you to school a cheap outfit from Walmart for that day
Everyone keeps saying send the child back in the same clothes. From what I read, the child is staying the night and going to school the next day. She can’t send her back to school in the same clothes she wore the day before even if they’re clean. Kids are cruel and would make fun of her for wearing the same clothes two days in a row and teachers can report that as neglect, I’ve seen it done. As someone else stated, take pics of the things you buy with tags and boxes and also pics of the way the child is dropped off at your house. If it’s not climate appropriate, take notes. If full custody is something you would be willing to do, report it. It IS neglect. Document everything. Sorry you and your bonus child are going thru this.
Wash the outfit she’s sent in an send it back same with shoes
Tell the little girl too pack 2outfits from moms if the next day is a school day
Buy some clothes that you don’t mind if you see again but are also nice and reasonable. It’s a never ending battle for us. We had to lessen to pick our battles, so we would send nice clothes from consignment shops.
Anytime you have to even worry about her possibly going back to mom’s send her in hand me downs🤷♀️ It doesn’t have to be rough looking stuff either…I love getting blessed by other parents and I am so damn grateful for the help🙌 Or purchase a clothes lot in her size that way you’re not paying like full price and it’s just disappearing😕 This is sad though because that baby is stuck in that same ratty shit when she’s there obviously and it’s her getting screwed at the end of the day😪 Maybe start trying to work on more custody for you 2??? It doesn’t sound like her mom is very interested in parenting healthily and well anyway🤷♀️ Document this bs and anything else you can also… Even if you don’t THINK you’ll be back in court, idc, just document what you can do that you 2 are somewhat protected!
i have the exact opposite i have my kids ft dad gets every other weekend and had kept their nice clothes i biy being as he pays support hes entitled to them and would send them.home in stuff to small i finally started buying cheaper clothes for when they go there that i dont care as much if they dont return because i could never deliberately put that crap he sends back on them as thats not fair to kids
We had that happen so we b*tched EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. they came back. Started taking pix and when the kids didnt come back in the same clothes, we would send the picture to the other parent daily until they were returned. FINALLY they now come home wearing exactly what they went there in (but cleaned) without us asking. I dont even regret how petty it sounded with the nagging because she got the point eventually. Lol.
I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with that with my bonus kids mother. My husband has sole custody. And she gets supervise visits. But I do have to deal with her tell our kids “I’m buying there love” just cuz I’m willing to help there dad support our children. She don’t spend a dime on them. She even tried to talk my husband into giving her there child support payments that the state just started taking after 4 years!
Take pictures of her picking out the clothes at the store, going to school from your house, see if your husband can talk to the school about who’s supposed to pick her up when. Record and take notes/photos of how her mom drops her off/how you guys pick her up from school after her mom sent her in. All you can do is record, keep receipts, and take pictures and use it how you want, if it’s for custody changes or lessening the support sent to the mom.
Maybe I’m petty but I would buy a label maker and start labeling all the clothes so she cant say she brought them. And send back in the clothes she was sent in. How sad for young lady though that the mum sends her in crappy clothes not appropriate for the weather. That’s probs when I would ask if shes struggling to buy her clothes if it’s a finance thing and why it’s like that…but yea that’s real sad for the little girl!
Look at it like this, make sure she dresses nice and feels proud about herself no matter which house she is at. Make sure she is presentable for school no matter which household she’s going from. Sending her back off in clothes you wouldn’t wear and busted shoes back to her mom’s? So as long as she is presentable with you then its ok to not care how she looks otherwise?
My ex used to do the same with our own kids. He would send them in beat up, dirty clothes but expect me to send them to his house on weekends in nice outfits and shoes. I kept it simple. The clothes my kids wore home from their dads are the same clothes they would go back in on the following weekend. Of course I washed them but I never sent any good clothes
We deal with this all the time, we have cloths that go between houses and cloths that are for here. Just do your best to make sure when you know she is to go back to mom to put her in the stuff that came from mom’s, document everything and keep receipts. That’s about all you can do. And eventually you have to let go of some of the frustration because you can’t do anymore beyond that about it.
Wash what she comes over in and send her back home in it. If she’s not wearing the shoes or clothes you purchase to school then don’t send them home with her. Clothes are to wear not for mom to hide
Buy a bunch of cheaper clothes that are nice and send a bunch over there, and just tell her they’re special going to mommy clothes that she can get dirty. We would go and buy a bunch of stuff on clearance that was one size too big to send with her the following season. Mine always played rough at Mommy’s house and would get upset her pretty clothes got dirty
You can’t say bonus mom like you appreciate her and then rip on her. It’s not about the clothes. It’s about the child. If saving petty arguments and keeping my child clothed and not even knowing of the issue, I’d buy a brand new outfit every God damn day. Don’t send her anywhere in “run down clothes” as you say because 1, she may not be comfortable wearing them and 2. It’s not about the clothes, it’s about making that girl feel good regardless. Donate the “bad” clothes. Clothe her and carry on. So much more is important in life than this petty stuff.
Buy some cheap clothes, going to out grow them anyway. When you buy shoes take a picture with the receipt. Take pictures and keep receipts. Tell Facebook or the court
My cousin had the same problem with his kids mother. He started sending them back in the clothes she sent them back in and with! I don’t get it! If you’re SO is willing to buy clothes that are great, why would you keep them from your children? You should want your child to look their best even if they’re with the opposite parent!
I have it in the court order that any clothes she gets sent with I get back. I’m not buying clothes for 2 houses.
You can stamp tags if it’s really an issue. The part I can’t understand is the fact that you are more concerned about what you bought than you are that the child is adequately clothed no matter where she’s at.
We get mu bonus daughters every other weekend pretty much. When they come over they change out of the clothes they wore over and then they go home in the clothed they wore over. I get that the child goes to school so in my opinion buy clothes that you don’t mind not seeing anymore. Keep the nice clothes for while you have her!
Keep buying her nice things. Don’t ever play that game. It’s terrible for the children even tho it is discouraging and expensive for you. BUT document everything. Save the receipts and put them in a binder in order via date with a picture is the girl as she arrives to your home and as she leaves. If there is ever a case in court this will make one hell of a key piece. My exes wife used to cut my children’s clothing, dip them in bleach etc. I spent a fortune on clothes but after about a year of documentation it was devastating to his case to see I’m visual images the differences. As for the checking out of school and such, document that too. If you send the child out of the house take a picture. If she comes home in the clothing you purchased great. Take another pic a file them. If not, proof is there. And get the school docs to go with it.
Start marking the tags or bottoms of the shoes with permanent marker so you can show her for a fact she did not buy those and you would like them back.
Honestly don’t exhaust yourself arguing with her and caring what she posts on fb. Those who know you, know the truth. You are only stressing yourself because she will never change. Your best bet is to buy her cheap but decent things to wear on days she’s going to her mom’s. When she comes to your house in ratty stuff, take pictures in case you ever need them for court, and either throw the ratty stuff away or throw it in a trash bag and store it for evidence. I know you can’t control her coming up to the school, but just try to never send her to her mom in anything you’ll ever want back.
Yes take pictures and consult an attorney
The clothes are purchased for the child. Regardless if she wears them at the moms house or yours, it shouldn’t make a difference.
What ever you do don’t put the kid in the middle of it. I see a lot of comments about marking tags. Your daughter will notice that, as simple as it is it will make her feel different. My step mom growing up was horrible to me. I had to go home to my moms in the same clothes I came in every weekend because the clothes they bought me needed to stay at their house. Maybe nonchalantly bring it up one day and say hey I haven’t seen you ware this for awhile. Please don’t make her feel like she needs to bring stuff back. The mom doesn’t seem to help be the bigger person.
Ok everyone is telling her to send her home in what she comes in. That solves the problem of their expensive clothes going to mom’s. What about the daughter’s emotional state? At 8yo she’s understands being in dirty, torn clothes. This has got to mess up her self esteem. I’d first find out if this dirty clothes thing is only when you get her. Talk to her teacher . If it’s a regular thing then mom needs help.
Is she selling the nice stuff you buy her for drugs? Is she having trouble getting to a laundry mat? There can be so many possibilities. Find out the reason & find a way to fix it. If it’s only on his time I’d do a parenting time modification. Transfer her from school. Tell the judge it’s easier to pick her up from school or you don’t want to deal with the mom whatever. If she’s going to school in filthy clothing only when dad gets her the teacher needs to report that as emotional abuse to CPS.
I would start keeping reciepts and taking pictures of the clothes with the tags on them on the hanger. Start requiring she give clothes back and if she tries to say she bought it send her a picture and say your credit card statement will back up the fact you bought it.
Why/how is she checking them out of school? Do you not have a court order in place saying when you get them vs her?
Poor little poppet. I remember my ex MIL saying this would happen to her and her hubby’s children from his first marriage. The 3 kids would turn up in rags etc. they would send them back with new clothes, shoes etc only to have the kids come back with nothing time after time. So she finally got smart and kept the clothes for when the kids were with them and sent them back in the rags.
I always send my son to his father wearing his fathers clothes, I wash them as soon as I get my son put them aside and that’s what he wears back. As far as when she intervenes with getting her from school and takes her clothes idk how to help with that other then having a stern face to face conversation that she can’t take her clothes. I also document everything so if I were to buy it I’d take a picture of it if it’s a battle on who bought what as often as it sounds like .
My heart goes out to this little child stuck in the middle 
It’s a battle you will loose until she gets older and learns to take care of her own things . Not worth the stress or making her feel like it’s her fault
Take a picture of the receipt and a picture of what the kid wears before she leaves your house… and when she comes home…document everything … then if u go to court with the other mother … u will have evidence that u r providing your kid with what they need … my sister is in a similar situation… she is trying to take her sons dad back to court for full custody of her son … like I said documentation and proof she is being taken care of at your house is important!!!
You send them to her house in hammy downs and keep the nice clothes when she’s with you. It’s sad but it is what it is. I know many families that have had to do that
So from personal experience with this exact situation. You can either keep on buying her clothes or stop cause you know they won’t come back. We did it from several years! Spent thousands on clothes to never be seen again. When she turned 13 and was the same size as her mother and I would go and pick her up, she would be in ratty nasty dirty clothes and the mother would be wearing the clothes we purchased for the child. I put and end to it. I know it’s not the kids fault but we had to make it clear that the clothes we purchased her were to stay at our house. That lasted about a month and then she just started packing the clothes we purchased her and hiding them in her backpack to take home. At that point we told her we would no longer be buying her clothes anymore. Consequences for your actions! Again she was 13 when we did this not 8 but I would still have that conversation with her. Clothes aren’t cheap.
You are going to be helping her in the long run. She knows the difference between what you get her and what her mom gets her. You do it out of love and support, her mom seems to do it out of spite. Please do not get the girl involved, no matter what you put her in what you find acceptable and let her mom do the same. As for getting the stuff you buy back, I’d say if you’re going to mark with initials on tags do it for all of your kids, not just her. Otherwise, shop sales, places that have nice things cheaper. If you really need something back like the expensive shoes then I’d message her mom a picture of them saying she’s going to be wearing these today, I’d like her to wear them again next time please. You or her dad can do that depending on the communication you guys have. Good luck dear.
Wow I wouldn’t care as long as the kids have decent clothes its not what she does its whats best for the kids. This psychology tryi g for children in these circumstance. I can almost bet momma doesn’t have money so she does this either way the child needs descent clothes I would take her aside and say yes its frustrating when I have proof I purchased the clothes however I am starting to think just maybe you are financially strapped with purchasing her other and thats fine maybe talking to us we can fix things in an adult matter.
Take pictures of the stuff you bought with receipts. I had my ex do this to my son, and my ex would keep his clothes for him self. He even wore the nice clothes I got my son on his honeymoon, lol …maybe thats what the other parent is doing…
I had a friend in this situation. She would just buy several sets of the same outfit from Walmart and send her home in that every week. If the mom wanted to keep the clothes she just ended up with like 4 of the same thing.
You can find some pretty nice things at second hand stores or yard sales I realize they are not new or perfect but when they get gone it don’t hurt so bad if it wasn’t a big investment
Keep receipts amd price tags from everything. Just in case she wants to bash him again or say she bought something that she didn’t or if she days it at court, that way he has proof. All you gotta say is you have the receipts. But I’m sorry you are going thru this. Same situation with my nephew, my brother pays child support and buys him new clothes and his mom gets so mad if he send him home in the same clothes she sent him in too. The clothes are sooo small sometimes too! In that case he will throw them out and just send him in the clothes they have at their house that fit and will get mad at that too! Cause he got rid of the clothes that were too small smh hope it gets better!
Use what you buy when your with her and send her home with the clothes she came in. Periodt!
A friend of mine went through something similar but through the courts and the judge basically said don’t send them in stuff you want to see come back.
Sounds like she’s shopping at your house one outfit at a time
Leave it alone. What you do, you do for the child not her mother. So what if her mother claims credit. Credit isn’t the point. The child knows.
Take pictures with the day and time documented on them. And have her go back in the same clothes she came to you in. Document. Document. Document. Receipts. Pictures, etc.
Send her home in the old clothes her mum has its not that hard
I’m gonna be straight up honest. As aggravating as it is, this is the kids items. I am a shared custody household. We’re on 2/2/3. & idc what is being worn back and forth as long as my child is clothed in things that fit. It is not fair for a kid already to go back and forth but it’s certainly not fair to them that they can’t have certain items at a different household bc of who bought them. Now don’t get me wrong, it used to get on my nerves too. But then I realized, they’re being taken care of, and it’s the kids stuff. Someone is always going to be the bad guy, so be the one who doesn’t have to decide which one you are.
Send her back in what she wore over to your house . Period .
I would want her to prove to the courts what she does with the child support. I’ve know many father’s ask for this and the mother had to show proof
Honestly, I would buy several new outfits from Walmart or target and send her home in specifically those. You don’t want the kid in ripped clothes or clothes that aren’t seasonally appropriate. It sucks because her mother should be doing it and it’ll cost you a little extra, but you just gotta remind yourself it’s for the daughter. Her needs come before the mother’s drama. Expect it not to come back right away, but eventually each outfit should rotate back to you and at least your daughter will have proper clothing all the time. Save the nicer clothes for your house, just send her home in a cheap outfit that is clean and proper for the season. Her mom says she bought them, yup, you sure did. She’ll make sure she comes home in them because SHE “bought it” 
If I was in this situation. I would wash the clothes, she came in. Put them back on her when it’s time to go back.
I would keep shoes, coats, and clothes at your home.
(IMO, it sounds like the mother is doing it on purpose. Knowing you’ll replace the clothes.)
The child should feel like they are HER cloths, you sound like you are trying to “out shine “ mom . Maybe don’t buy the adidas and use the same amount of money to purchase 5 pairs of leggings and matching shirts/blouses from Target or similar store. She is 8, she needs to be clean and feel confident but you are outing her MOTHER reporting mom does not keep her clean etc…maybe she comes over a little dirty , ever think —they stopped to play and get a snack on the way? Kids can look like orphans after a long day —torn stained cloths, birds nests of hair, fruit punch or milk stained lips etc—-the kids cloths are for her, not you to one up—-let me say it again HER MOTHER, you know the one she shared a heartbeat with and was obviously someone your S/O found suitable enough to father a child with —-her mom is the Most important and influential person in her life and you may be treading on thin ice if you don’t get your pettiness under control.
I agree buy $3 shirts and pants from Walmart that look nice because they are new and your out $6
I’m just gonna say - some of the comments on here sound like they are working through some of their own insecurities through your post. I fully agree with the ones saying not much you can do though. I have been the kid in torn jeans and ugly, raggedy thrift store/off brand clothes. What you are doing is a kindness to her and she will never forget it. Her mom claiming credit and bashing is clearly coming from a place of insecurity. Save receipts, take pictures (either nonchalantly or of them on your bed so the kiddo never knows of the trouble) and try not to express concerns of this within earshot of her. She knows what her mom is doing and is quite likely ashamed and embarrassed but caught in an awkward place. Love her through it and she will love you forever knowing of your kindness. I know it can get expensive, try finding and shopping the sales and in just the blink of an eye she will be able to pack her own bags for your house and will be choosing to bring the nice things with her. You are in a tough spot, so is she. Let the mom complain, whine and whatever. She is only damaging herself in her daughter’s eyes.
Maybe have a supply of generic clothes in multiples: jeans & black T-shirts, gray hoodies, black socks and cheap but acceptable sneakers, all just slightly different so people know she’s not wearing the exact same thing every day. That way she can look cool enough and when she always has on the same stuff going to mom’s and has 4 of the same outfits at mom’s, mom might send some back.
Can daughter stash clothes in a locker, a backpack or hide them at mom’s so she can have nice and appropriate clothes for school and to come to your house? Can you ask daughter what becomes of the clothes once they get to mom’s? Only ask once or twice & without emotion so she doesn’t feel put on the spot.
Can all the parents sit down with a counselor to discuss the situation (you’d likely have to be the ones to pay). Figure out what mom’s problem is—WHY is she being so petty? Does she realize that she’s only hurting her daughter? Could you offer her a couple sessions alone with the therapist so she can find her own happiness vs. trying to steal yours? I’m guessing she might not be amenable to sitting down with y’all or just the dad to hash things out like adults. Is she struggling financially? Why is it important to her to show off? Counterintuitively, building up her self-esteem might give her more courage to let stuff go. Clearly she is hurting, hates herself or feels less than or she wouldn’t be so nasty.