My boyfriend and I have been together four years this coming March; I have a ten-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. A constant topic we tend to kind of argue about a lot is marriage, and having a kid together of our own. He does not have any kids himself. I’ll be 28 this April, and he will be 30 in September, and I’m just starting to feel like we’re at that age where we should be trying for a family. He makes it very clear that he doesn’t want marriage or a kid anytime soon, maybe in the next couple of years, is what he’s thinking. I love him so much, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I just feel like, after this long, he should be ready. Am I wrong? I never want to push or force a kid on anyone, it’s just starting to get to me how I want to start trying for a kid, and he doesn’t. I absolutely do not want to wait, but he does. No judgment please I already feel bad because I talk about it to him all the time. I guess I’m just looking for some opinions. Please, and thank you.
After four years he isn’t sure??? Walk away.
If it’s been 4 years and this dude still doesn’t want to get married, he isn’t sure about you and I absolutely wouldn’t have a child with him. Do not be disillusioned.
Uhm why force him into something he makes very clear he doesn’t want? That Will only lead to resentment
I would sit down to have discussion with him to find out what he really wants if he even wants the same things that you do. After 4 years of being together and at 30 he should be ready. If he can’t honestly tell you he sees married life and kids without you coaxing…as hard as it will be you need to walk away as you can’t change something someone doesn’t want.
Get packing, sis. Do it now while you’re young. Don’t waste your best years on someone who knows that he doesn’t want you.
I was in a relationship like this. The guy was much older than me. He kept stressing he didn’t wanna start over with kids. I wanted one more kid. Don’t stay and think you can make someone want what u want. Maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship and see if it’s worth staying. Long story short. I got married two years after that relationship and have a child with my husband. I had to see that my views and wants shouldn’t be put aside to please someone else. Maybe that’s something you can think about.
Run girl run. He is being honest and If you want something different then stop wasting time and thinking he won change his mind…he won’t
Yes, you are wrong. Who are you to decide when another person should be ready for ANYTHING!
I wouldnt want to commit to you either.
Hes already told u what he wants and your still not listening. You either really accept it or move on.
You need to face the facts that he may never want what you want. You choose either make yourself happy and find someone that want the things you want or stay with him and never get a commitment or kids . I would be gone life is too short to live by someone else’s rules, make yourself happy
Some ppl are simply terrified of that kind of commitment and some are in need if it. If thhe relationship is working as is, why put a wrench in the spokes? Let it be. Damn
Grown in different directions?
He is happy with the way things are and has told you so. Listen to him. You either deal with not having another kid or move on.
He’s telling you his truth. You have to really listen, he’s telling you everything you need to know. Your not going to change him. If you push him into something it will be a disaster. Please love yourself enough to be ok with walking away if you need to, for your sake and for your daughter.
He made it plain he doesn’t want a child except it or move on
I hate to break it to you but men like him only want all the amenities of a marriage without the commitment, I say it’s time to find someone who will give you what YOU want. No woman should have to wait and waste years of her good life for a man that has no intention of marrying you nor start a family with you. Run girl, the sooner the better!
Sounds like you both have different future sights with eachother. It’ll be just a waste of time and no sense in leading eachother on or forcing something onto someone else.
Clearly you both don’t want the same things. Sounds like its time to reevaluate your relationship.
Everyone has their own pace for things. He may never want kids, and that fine. Have a sit down about it, and if he is firm in not wanting what you want, you part ways.
YOU feel after all this time HE should be ready,even after him telling you already he’s not.
he has a right to his feelings too.
So you haven’t left why
You say you don’t way to pressure him in to doing it, but then you say that you are always talking about it.
Knowing where he stands, because he has made himself clear. You talk to him, knowing it will likely cause an argument, all because you want what you want.
You sound manipulative. You need to stop.
Leave, if you’re not happy. But you DO NOT have the right to make him feel bad, angry, or guilty, because he doesn’t want marriage or kids when you say so!
I agree I think if you have spent 4 years together and he doesn’t want marriage or kids then you’ll never truly be on the same page in life. You can’t settle if you want marriage and kids then you need to find someone who has the same aspirations as you. You can’t wait for him to decide what he wants and when it’s a good time for him. That’s not fair to you. A common ground needs to be sought if not then I’d move on unless if your willing to sacrifice your wants for his.
You two are not on the same page.Move on while you are still in the child bearing age. He doesn’t and you don’t, what more do you want to hear?
You can either stay with him and not have a kid or move on.
I probably would have never had any but my wife got pregnant and it changed my mind I
If you have him and your child and it feels like family, then you already have a family
If you want more and He doesn’t move on and stop wasting your time.
Honestly, I’d never even concider kids or marriage until 5 or six years together. That’s a huge deal. There’s also no age where you “should” be ready for that kind of thing. However, if you and him are no where near on the same page and don’t see a middle ground in sight, then maybe he isn’t the one
Don’t let a boyfriend keep your from a future husband.
You don’t want the same things. Many men have said they aren’t ready for years; and women stay hoping they will eventually change. Love isn’t everything, you have to be on the same page
Baby, Why would he marry you when he’s getting the BENEFITS of marriage without being married to you? My advice is STOP BEING A WIFE to a man that’s NOT you’re husband! Look him in the eye and tell him After 4 yrs of recieving HUSBAND BENEFITS and feeling the RESPONSIBILITY of being a WIFE, it’s time to make that commitment or it time to move on to someone who WILL!
Do not push him. He’ll resent you.
Honey, he doesn’t want kids and he is being honest with you about it, you have to respect that, is his body too, if he doesn’t want to reproduce himself is his opinion… if what he is offering you in life is not what you want, it’s you the one who have to do something about to change your situation, and clearly the only option that you have is end up this relationship, you guys don’t want the same thing in life, both of you are losing your time with each other… get out of this relationship and focus in yourself, you already have a daughter and she needs her mother happy and in peace…
He is using u til he finds who he really wants!
If you love him you have to respect what he wants not what you think should be…let’s nature take it’s course
If he loves you he will marry you and spend the rest of his life with you . Have children and adopt yours (Advice)
“The hardest thing I have ever done is walk away still madly in love with you” -leohearts
Time to move on. You can’t settle down with someone who isn’t ready. There are many more men that are ready to settle, four years wasted in my opinion.
See a therapist together!
I recommend you pause the subject. I’ll share a bit of my story. I was married for many years then boom single. But it took years for me to adjust to NOT being married. I still carried myself as a wife. Well met a guy who was polar opposite of my ex. He made it CLEAR what he wanted. I fought fussed cussed and after all that, we’re still not married and Im ok… we’re still together, Im ok., but, I had to GROW UP and accept his wants just like I EXPECTED him to accept mine and DO WHAT I WANTED. I’ve learned over time that time does what it does. If you want him, like him, love him, chill out, build you, adore your daughter, be proacvtive and focus on whats is working for your dynamic! We, as women, take ourselves through a lot of unnecessary things focusing on what we dont have. Enjoy 28, 1 child and the liberties that come with it! Dont get me wrong, being married, raising children and building a house of love is wonderful. But let it be organic. He told you how he feels, RESPECT IT! Of course, This post will be filled with all sorts of opinions but at the end of it all TO THINE OWNSELF BE TRUE. So, if you cant deal with what he’s saying, move on. Dont put yourself in the “oops” position and end up being resented. That HURTS like you wouldnt believe. Men arent as forgiving as we are. They move on!
Those are Major Issues something that’s a deal breaker if your not on the same page
Say it with me #BoyBye
You are wasting years. He verbally said he don’t want you. We have this weird thing we do and call men liars. They don’t lie, we just don’t listen. Go find a man that wants the things you want. Don’t forget you started life a lot earlier than him. You’re at a different stage.
Wow he doesn’t want to be married or have kids you can’t force it. So accept it or move on
He isnt going to change, you accept this is your family or you move on.
You know what you want, he knows what he wants. Those things are not the same. You will either have to move on from each other or one of you is going to give up on what you want out of life, and I can tell you from experience that it will cause resentment. I married someone who didn’t want more children. He was perfectly happy and content with my two sons that I already had, but he adamantly did not want to have another child. I loved him, and thought I could let go of my need for another baby. Fast forward 8 years, and we are divorced. I’m currently pregnant with my new partners child and I am very happy. There was just so much heartbreak along the way. We broke up for a lot of reasons, but I quietly hurt for many years while my clock ticked and he got a vasectomy. Lol. I’m seeing a lot of people comment about you not forcing him to have a child. While that’s spot on, also DONT give up on what YOU want either! Good luck mama
Id definitely back off on the kid subject if hes not ready . You cant make someone be a parent, Even when they are biologically one to begin with .
Is it really a baby you want or are you just trying to find a way to hold on to him? Sounds like you feel the need to trap him so to speak cause you say you love him so much. Clearly he is not on the same page you are and having a child won’t make things better if it’s not what he wants.
Sounds to me like this is who he’s always been, what he says he’s always wanted, and that you’re the one whose expectations and wishes have changed. If someone told you that you didn’t want kids or shouldn’t have them when you obviously do, and they tried to pressure you into tying your tubes, you would likely be furious. You’re doing the same thing to him.
You need to decide now if a child you don’t have yet and may never have is worth giving up what you have with him. If it isn’t, quit pressuring him and hoping he’s going to change, and if it is, maturely end it and when you’re healed, go find someone who does want to expand a family with you. But it’s not fair to either of you to keep pushing your wants on him when he has made it very clear it’s not what he wants. Honestly I think the fact he’s able to be upfront about his wishes shows maturity from someone who’s thought about it, and you should find a way to respect it.
Move on. You clearly aren’t on the same path. Respect the fact he is being honest with you that he doesn’t want the same things you do at this point. And forcing him into something he isn’t ready for because you want it is wrong and isn’t going to fix anything. Either go to therapy and listen to one another (and apply it) or move on.
He wants the benefits of a husband without the commitment…I bet you do everything a wife would do already…he got the live in booty…cooked meals…laundry done a roof over his head…no worry in the world…STABILITY and can leave when ever wants or finds something better…why let a baby hinder him from leaving if he wants to…I got 5 brothers did 20 years in a male dominant field in the military and share an office with two men now…Oh they will play you like a damn video game! GIRL LET HIM GOOOOOOOOO
You need to admire the man for being honest. He is aware that at this time he’s not ready for that step. Also you need to figure out if you are his forever or his until. Guy’s tend to have until girls. They will live with them and everything until… Their forever girl comes along. When you speak about your other dreams and objectives (not having kids or marriage) does he make you a priority or tell you he doesn’t have time to discuss what you want? Are you giving more to the relationship than him? Is it his way or no way? If he’s more self centered then you are most likely his until girl and should probably start focusing on you and your dreams and personal objectives (not baby making or getting a ring) He will either support you or start creating distance. If he’s distant let him go.
Wow,at least he’s honest with you.most men would tell you what you want to hear only to probably leave you when they realise it wasnt really the life they kinda wanted.you have 2 choices…you can respect his decision if you really loved him and just be content with where you are right now or leave him and go find what it is you feel you are needing
Stop trying to force something he doesn’t want right now. He told you how he feels but you are NOT listening!
If you feel that strongly and he doesn’t, he’s not your dude. You cannot make someone feel what you feel. Please don’t get pregnant if you can avoid it. If you have a baby that he doesn’t want, you will end up raising it by yourself. He’s telling you how he feels…Please listen to him.
You are wrong. Believe him when he said he doesn’t want marriage. If that’s what YOU want, find someone who wants the same thing. You will regret trying to talk him into it. Don’t waste your time. Get out now.
You cannot force someone to want something they don’t want … All of these things should have been discussed before having a serious relationship and introducing your child to the situation imo if he doesn’t want marriage and kids, and you do…then it’s not Gunna work long term.
Having a baby from a man that sounds like you desperately love will not cement a forever with him. As a matter of fact sounds like you’re going to push him away and he will probably be resentful if you get pregnant. You sound needy. Find something else to fulfill your life to fill in the needy void.
I had my son at 34 lots of time for kids.
Get out now, he won’t change, no lift bulb will come on or him see your side. If he has made it clear that he doesnt want to do either of those things right now or he feels you need to wait, it’s never gonna happen. No counselor,psychiatrist,preacher or family member gonna change his mind. Your 28 if you want those things deeply then you need to move on if you think you can deal with the regret of never having what you want yrs from now then stay but the hope of things working out… Most likely it won’t in your favor. It didn’t for me.
Four years and he’s not sure he’s ready for marriage yet?
Have you tried throwing the whole man away?
I don’t know if you live together already but this is why ppl need to stop moving in first and trying it out first . it gets comfortable and then it’s a what’s the use feeling.
I think if you both are wanting different things then it’s time to move on. Why should you be unhappy and then also him feel pressured into something. Your daughter sees what your teaching dear
If he was clear with you from the beginning then you have 2 choices ,either respect and accept his decision or move on to someone who shares your same interests in marriage and kids.
Probably your female biological clock kicking in. Because for some reason, even though I am PRACTICALLY not ready to be a Mom by any means I just feel like I need to be trying to have a kid NOW…even though I don’t even have a steady companion to procreate with.
This is just a theory of course. You may have other reasons. At the end of the day though, if he does not want to think of children soon, you just have to respect it. And while respecting it, you also have to evaluate your position as well.
Communication is key, if he’s telling you what his expectations are, then you need to think about your next step. Are you willing to compromise your happiness for his? I believe that we create our happiness. You’ll know when and if it is time to move on…trust me you will and when you do…stay strong, remember your worth. Personally he seems to want the benefits of a relationship without a commitment…again only you know if that’s true…trust your gut.
It seems to me that he’s already made his decision pretty clear. You can’t change anyone. If he’s not in agreement with what you want, perhaps you need to let him go. You’re too young to be settling and letting someone make your decisions. I learned the hard way.
He could be afraid of the “what ifs” not knowing how every thing is going to end up after being married and having a baby. Don’t pressure him anymore instead you should let him know that your not gonna do that anymore& you’ll wait until he is ready. if you really love him and he is good to you and your daughter then wait a bit. You still have time. That could be what he’s thinking also. If he on the other hand is not all the good things in a relationship then leave. It’ll take you a couple more years to find another man who you’ll be in love with & want to have kids with & get married too. Your the only one who knows him on here. Be smart and follow your heart. But don’t be indenial either if he is one of those dudes who just don’t want to grow up.
If he argues with you about having kids together and getting married, chances are very high that he DOESN’T want to get married and have kids… with you. Just because you love him so much and want nothing more than to start a marriage and family with him doesn’t mean he wants the same.
Everyone giving you false hope by telling you to go see a therapist together and communicate and all that other bullshit isn’t going to change his mind. If he wanted to marry you and have kids with you, he wouldn’t argue with you about it.
After 4 years if he don’t know if he wants marriage move on he will never marry you
You definitely are not on the same page and this is where you have to decide to make a sacrifice which is not getting your way. On the other hand if he’s not ready and you are maybe you need to move on and find someone on your same level. You’re the one who has to carry the baby what’s your age limit for that? I had my last child at 40 very different than the one 10 years earlier at 30.
Personally, before I married, my partner and I fully discussed the whole marriage and kids before getting married. Classes before marriage, the counseling together we had with our priest, etc. After we were married, 5.5 years together, 3 yrs married, 2 yrs we lived together prior, I was feeling the maternal instincts and was approaching 30, we discussed, but he said…he wasn’t there yet, he was happy with it being the way it was. 2 more years past, I would ask periodically and hear the same thing. Now I had not been on any birth control since being married, he knew. I had a heavy gut feeling I couldn’t get pregnant. We started to argue more, I was so upset and yearning until I came home one day from work and he left a letter for me, he was now at work. It was the most heartbreaking letter. He decided he didn’t want kids, he hoped I still loved him and wouldn’t lose me but it was what was best FOR HIM. I felt betrayed, as if the contract was broken, we discussed this, HOW? WHY? I tried but friends were all having babies, I’d start to even cry with baby commercials, etc. We even went to couples counseling. 1 day he couldn’t make the appointment and our counselor said to me…this counseling will either make or break this marriage but I’m going to be honest with you, he knows everything he’s doing wrong and he is not doing anything to make it right, to show me he is correcting and it seems to be all about HIM. It was my moment to realize he was a narcissistic person and who did I marry. He was distancing himself from me, and then I found proof of him having an affair, with my neighbor! He went on a guys trip weekend away, which it wasn’t, it was with her. I secured an apartment and moved out that weekend.
So from what your saying, if you have these feelings and he’s not there yet! He’ll never be there and he’s already made up his mind and he’ll never change. My then husband didn’t chase, or fight to get me back, and 10 years basically in the end, done. I loved him with my heart and soul. I fell in love with him on our 1st date, said to my boss the next day, he’s going to be my husband. He felt the same way when we finally decided to be official. So it was love but in the end, it was lost. I hurt so badly. So get out now while you can and find that man that will not hesitate a moment to share the same dream you want. Good luck.
If you don’t want to wait you might understand him having his own opinion. You either wait, or break up with him and find someone who is on your time frame
Sweetie I think if you want more children and marriage I would move on to greener pastures. I would not waste my life on someone who doesn’t want the same things out of life as you do. First you are 28 then 38 then 48 and wishing you had lived the life you want and deserve
He was upfront and told you what he didn’t want. Do you really think that bringing it up and talking about it constantly is going to change his mind? It isn’t. Sounds to me like you are on two different levels. You both want different things. You have to open your eyes and realize that, even as much as you love him, he is not the man for you and you need to move on and find the one that is for you. Seems like all y’all are doing is making each other feel bad. Good luck.
If u really truly see ur self being a wife and birthing another child maybe it’s time to require him to step it up or move around a man knows what he wants and sees in a woman if he not talking about yall future and moving forward might be because ur not the one he sees a future with no jugde ment not trying to be harsh but dont put all ur eggs in 1 basket u could end up wasting alot of years be honest and direct about what things u want
You are 100%wrong. He sa aid he doesnt want a kid or marriage. He placated you with the for now. If you want more. Leave this bs behind. Your wanting to argue about the life you want, instead of living it… 2020 stop this insanity
Stop the whining, that’s what you are doing, not talking about it like you stated, plus couples are having children later in their life now a days, stop the whining and things might happen, if it doesn’t happen and you still want marriage and more kids, find someone that wants the same thing you do.
The more you push, the more you will push him away. If he isn’t ready constantly talking about it is just going to make him even more determined not to commit.
Respect his choices.
If you 2 dont want same family goals you need to walk away. Even if married you will never be happy. Need to find someone with same goals you agree on.
I say run…bn there…if you 2 don’t want the same out of life…don’t hold your breath…move on
Yes don’t get married
Leave him find a man who does I had my last baby aged 41 sompkenty of years left good luck
He’s not ready. If he does he definitely will moves the mountains for you if he need to.
He’s telling you he doesn’t want marriage or a child, girl if that’s what you want and he doesn’t those are big things and I’ll say when someone tells you flat out what it is with them respect that and figure out your next step. Because honestly honey for the woman they really want they’ll do whatever. A man that doesn’t see you in his future says shit like not right now later, we don’t have forever when it comes to children they do, but i don’t think he sees you as his wife find someone who is like minded and wants what you want
Ur not wrong for wanti g those things but u just realize its better to not have a kid with
H someone who isent ready.
You’re wrong. If he doesn’t want all that than go find someone who does. Don’t try to force the subject on him. He’s not ready and he has the right to feel that way. You’re the one choosing to stay. He’s not forcing you to be with him, go find a man that wants the same things you want.
Well, tell him YOUR READY, and it’s ok that he isnt, so you will find someone else who will understand, you only have till 35 & then you become a high risk pregnancy. So, if he’s not ready, move on.
Maybe he’ll change his mind, maybe not, but don’t waste anymore time on someone so selfish.
If you think about it your married anyway common law. As far as having a baby there is no rush if he’s not ready then he’s not ready. At least he’s honest plus 28 for a man is still young. Stop and enjoy each other. Maybe just maybe he doesn’t feel financially ready be patient let nature take its course. Be considerate of one another he knows how you feel so pressuring him will just make things worse so if you love him then you show him you respect his choice but nagging is never good.
Hes NOT that serious about you or staying with you!
Its obvious he doesnt want “permanent” ties with you!
First, breathe… there’s lots of advice here. It looks like you had your first child at 18, so you’re aware of all that is involved with having a child. Remember you are still young, I didn’t have children til I was in my early 30s. Keep in mind that everyone has free will, if your boyfriend doesn’t or isn’t ready for a child and/or marriage, then a decision needs to be made to agree or move on to find someone else who wants what you want. It will be painful to leave, but you both need to agree to having a child…for the best interest of the child. Good luck on your decision.
You need to ask yourself…do you love him enough to stay with him even though he does not want to get married or have children with you? Just because you love someone doesn’t mean they are the right person for you.
Just stop taking birth control, problem solved…Have a kid “by accident”
Just stop talking about it. Make up your mind what you want to do. If you want to wait 2 more years, then do so, but stop asking. Also, I personally would wait 6 months to a year and see if he starts talking about any of it. If after a year nothing, start telling him you’ll find someone else instead if it’s really not what he wants. He might just want a woman with the same goals of no kids and no marriage. If so, you need a man who wants those things and who treats you and your children right at all times. <3 it’s hard sometimes when it comes to love. Keep your chin up and your crown high. <3 you’re a mother, the queen of your beautiful family. <3
People often want different things in life. Neither of you are wrong. In my personal opinion, being 50 yrs old, I think it’s crazy to WANT to bring a child into this world right now. The political and economic climates are SO very volatile right now, none of our futures are guaranteed. I know individually, we could die at any time from accidents etc…but right now the threat is much bigger for a extinction type event, whether it be a massive world war, or a super volcano, or fires on one side and ice on the other side of the Earth…plus the economic standpoint of it…most are working, but few are actually making enough to survive well, and plan for the future, plus as we all figured out in the last recession, just because you are doing good now, does not mean you will be in 6 months. In 6 months, you could be jobless, and your house is in foreclosure…I’m bringing these thing up because my own daughter is 26 years old, her husband has a child from a previous relationship that is 9 yrs old. My daughter and her husband have been married for 3 years, together for 6 years, and he wants another kid…she has been talking to me about the things I mentioned above. She has told me that she can not bring a child into the world now, or until the future of this country, and the world is more secure, and if that means that she will never have a child, she has said that she believes that is better than bringing one into this world and having it suffer along with the rest of us…Just to add perspective, my daughter is working on her Master’s degree in Biology, being a scientist, she looks at the world a little differently than a lot of people…
If you want marriage and he doesn’t then move on. 4 years is long enough., do you really want to stay without a commitment? Take it from me a 2 parent committed household is better than a one parent home.
Guess wondering how he treAts your child. At your ages he’s saying he doesn’t want to get married or have kids and been together for 4 years then I would say he probably doesn’t really love you. He knows what you want but doesn’t love you enough to really care. Move on quite wasting your time with him and find someone you can be happy with. You say You really love him but how can you if he doesn’t want the same things as you Do
Seriously why is that even a question? I’m sorry but He does NOT love you! And he can’t speak it any louder. He’s telling you he doesn’t want kids by you, he doesn’t want to be married to you. you need to listen… just because you love him doesn’t mean you need to be married to him. Cut your losses and find a real man who loves you and your daughter and wants to have a family and a marriage! Getting pregnant and forcing him to marry you will NEVER EVER work!
Sending good positive vibes I would feel the same way as you but honestly wait it out a year or so maybe you will be blessed with a child together I wish you the very best he’s not a bad person because he wants to wait!