My boyfriend has been looking for a place to live behind my back: Advice?

So I’ve been with this guy for 3 years, happy, we constantly go away have day trips with the children, we were best friends and I thought he was the one, I could not fault him we have 5 children between us one his own four are mine from a previous relationship. His never liked the location of where I live, it can be noisey and his family and friends are only 20 minutes away. But for three years we have lived together no problems. I find out that he had been looking at prices of living on his own as his never had his own place and has always hated this. He never said he wanted to move out just said he was looking. Ive offered to fully put his name down on the property we live in, talked about an exchange but this has been hard finding availability with the need to house 7 of us with adequate living space. And I even mentioned possibly buying the house but again doesn’t like the area but after 3 years we could have chosen our location and moved. Well I find out his made plans to go live on his own all planned out behind my back and now expects for us to still have a future and live happily ever after. My response was you can do one that is not how it works and I think this is very hurtful, shocking and disrespectful. I really am lost for words his answer was he never wants to go through life not experiencing living on his own…. My answer to this was, what paying bills

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My boyfriend has been looking for a place to live behind my back: Advice?

He’s running from responsibility

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Sounds like he’s checked out

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Yeah thats a no from me

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I agree with another comment he’s definitely checked out.

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Hes not leaving you behind if hes still wants to deal with you but life gets crazy and im sorry but that sound like a butload of responsibility thats not really his so maybe he just needs time to figure everything out :woman_shrugging:

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I mean I got wanting to be on your own. I am happily married and miss my living on my own days sometimes, but, I’d never leave my family.
That said, what he did was disrespectful. There’s no way around it. Even if he reasoning is the truth, he should’ve spoken to you.
Personally, it would be a deal breaker for me. He’d be loving on his own and single.

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I’d be telling him go on get the f**k on Felicia … don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya ”……have a nice life

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I could happily live separately from my partner BUT his approach to this was alllll kinds of wrong!

Communication is key, and he has failed there in a big way.

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I’m sorry. This makes no sense.
He’s got a kid. He’s not living on his own until that child is grown.
He’s going to have to wait since it’s too late to do that first.
I wouldn’t put his name on anything or trust him not to take off…I get that he has feelings and an unfulfilled need, but he needs priorities and communication skills…
Couples therapy?

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Yeap, he’s checked out and checked in with someone else.

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Living on my own was the best possible experience for me. 3 years. I did it all. Paid all the bills, cooked cleaned, maintained the car and yard. My house my rules. I loved it. I’ve now been married a year and still miss the empty house. But I’d never move out to live on my own and still expect my husband to be okay with it. And now his son lives with us (I have none of my own so I was truly alone) and I miss things being organized and put where I want them.

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Open the door shut the door… Celebrate your freedom.

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That’s definitely mixed messages. On one hand I kinda understand his thought. But on the other if he was truly happy where he was, he wouldn’t be leaving. I say it’s all or nothing. And he likely hid it because he knows it would hurt.

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Let him go and do your own thing honestly he’s made himself clear

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I’d help him pack his crap and leave. I wouldn’t allow the games and the unsure if he wants to actually be together or not (moving out after living together for 3 years is a huge red flag.)

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Sounds like very clear…he’s skipped …wants freedom…

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Sorry, this is a bit close to home.

My ex did this. He wanted to get high on drug’s and not get caught.

He’s hiding something. I’m very sorry

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Well, give him his wish. Kick him out and you love your life without him. Especially since he’s been looking for a place behind your back

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He’s lying if he’s promising a future with you. If he’s not including you in his plans, he’s leaving. I’m sorry love but he needs to be honest and tell you the truth.

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I would ask him if being on his own for a week or 2 weeks in a hotel.

I get wanting to experience being on your own but, he also should have communicated better and not hide it. Not only that he then needs to sit down and decide if it’s the need to be on his own or wanting to walk away from the relationship. He can’t have both especially with kids in the picture.

It sounds like he needs space & time. He’s never lived alone & moved right in with 4 children that can get overwhelming, maybe he just needs some privacy. He didn’t break it off with you he still wants to be with you! Coming from someone who has dealt with mental health before maybe there is more than what you are seeing? It sounds like he is trying to fill a void & he thinks this is the best thing for HIM right now. Sometimes as humans especially (mom/dad) we forget who we are & it is only right to take a break & find yourself in order to be your best self again for your spouse &/or child(ren) !!

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Help him pack today! My boyfriend moved out and played that little game of course his grown adults step-daughter manipulated the situation and got him to leave me and it was hell! They ended up in a bad mess and he moved back in with me but I should have just dumped his sorry ass! We sleep in different rooms and don’t even talk half the time. It’s just about over!

I think he wants to live on his own and wants the relationship to change. He may want to break it off completely, I don’t know. In any event, you’ve possibly lost someone who isn’t ready to make a commitment…which is no loss at all. He’s pretty much left the relationship and I would ghost him. If and when he’s ready, if you’re still available, you can decide to let him back in to your life but he probably has another girlfriend.

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If you can live on your own. Then let him go. He’ll come back.

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He has someone else .kick him to the curb

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Should be moving forward after 3 years, not backwards. I think once he finds place, relationship over. Let him walk.

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Time to let him go. He’s out of the relationship. Move on.

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Mabey deep down his not happy, Why make him stay if he doesn’t want to, Men have feelings to. Looking after your kids may stress him out, speaking from experience in my own situation 20 yrs ago

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I totally get it.

He wants to experience some independent living.

Such large ready made family is too much, too overwhelming, too noisy, too crowded, etc, just too much…

He has lived in a place he dislikes for your sake.

He has lived with a bunch, not one or two, but a bunch of kids who aren’t his.

He’s tired of it.

He is tired of living in a place he doesn’t want to be in the midst of a bunch of people.

I get it.

He’s hoping you love him enough to give him some space to gain this experience.

You have two choices:

1.) End the relationship

2.) Give him the space requested.

A.) Take a complete break from the relationship entirely.

No visits.

Revisit the issue in 6 months.

B.) Take a break from the relationship in a limited sense.

Visit each other.

Continue to date each other.

Re-evaluate this situation in 6 months.
Do you want to get back together? Or not?

If not, this will be the end
of your relationship.

If you weather this separation and get back together, your relationship might be better and stronger.

I wish you all well.

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Let him go. Take care of yourself and your kids. He made up his mind, give him what he wants.

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So let me get this lined up you had 4 children before he came in to the relationship you had 1 together plus the 2 of you for 7 and he wants to live on his own while you take care of the 5 children alone most of the time? Yeah it doesn’t sound like he tried very hard to live on his own while he was younger. Sounds like he is looking for guilt free passes. Send him on his way

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Every relationship is different. Personally the going behind my back is not OK in any realm, and it’s going to be a fight… My husband I have been together 17 years and I told him on day 2 of our relationship: he moved in with me or there was no future. He moved in on day 3. Set boundaries and stick to them whether that be living separately, living together, or the duplex idea. You cannot abide by rules that haven’t been laid so you need to lay some groundwork here. Personally, I cannot be with someone I can’t live with, so you take all or none and I’m firm on that. The 2 of you really need to have a conversation to decide whether or not this relationship is compatible for both of you or if He needs a level of independence that is only acceptable for a single man.

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My baby daddy and boyfriend of almost 9 years took off in the middle of the night and started a new life lol they all just suck

It’s not worth it!!! Trust me I know

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I think he’s looking for a way out.

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My personal opinion: A relationship is over if you’re moving backwards.

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Sometimes people never get to experience life on their own. Sometimes living on your own you realize what kind of person you are or you want to be. I don’t think it’s wrong for him to want to experience this for himself. If you love him let him do it. If it works out for you guys great if not then it wasn’t meant to be. But holding someone from doing something they truly want For themselves never turns out good, always leads to resentment.

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Let him go…this should not be reason to end this great relationship you both built…yes it is disheartening however your love for each other hasn’t changed. You will also find some positive s in your life to him being away. Let the process happen. Be strong…

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Another thought is maybe the child he has wants to have their own space with their father without the extra people. Maybe he’s doing it for his child but still wants to be with you. Sometimes kids being crammed into a house with other kids is hard on a child especially when they are the only child and the other children have siblings. Idk just a thought.

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I think you’re not really listening to him. You say he’s deliriously happy but Hayes where you live. that makes no sense.

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Sometimes childrens attitudes chase the partner. Re evaluate the relationship he has with your kids. Maybe this is why but he is afraid to say, hence finding alternative solution. If this is the matter, he doesn’t see himself married to you just swinging till the new broom comes along.

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I think he wants out or there wouldn’t be all the secrets and planning behind your back. Let him go and watch his actions. He will show you where his priorities are and where you fit in ,if you let him.

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Set him free , he is asking for it and he deserves it ! He will regret it but it may be too late for him to reach this maturity

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Yeah, he’s done. He just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

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The dishonesty is why I’d walk away.

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Are you sure he has not been looking for a better place for all of you

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Let him go he’s obviously leaving you

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He using for for a place to stay cause he doesn’t wanna be alone

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I’ve been looking at houses behind my spouse’s back… To better our lives… Together with our 4 kids. I won’t look at them around him, he gets stressful.and thinks I’m leaving him… Yeah hopefully his shitty attitude stays behind :rofl::joy:

Baby he is just saying that until he moves and the he will start distancing himself from you!!! Be ready

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So he decides after 3 years he wants to live on his own? You’re basically married and he just wants out. That’s not how relationships work. He obviously no longer wants to be with you. Say bye. It sounds over to me.

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Yeah, he is checking out Hun. He just doesn’t have the balls to have a meaningful adult conversation. Let him go, but let him go for good. Don’t you dare let him take advantage of you by continuing any type of relationship with him. Make sure he knows that if he leaves, it’s for good. Do not let him lie and gaslight you.

Maybe he should have thought about that before he started a relationship with you🤦‍♀️ let him go, be done with him

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I caught mine doing the same thing. When caught, he said he was just gonna stay with a guy from work cause it was only five minutes from work and would be easier to get to then the hour drive from where we lived. He said he’d be here on his days off. I told him he couldn’t have it both ways, either he’s here or he’s not. Never had to pay any bills so of course he’d wanna keep me on the sidelines waiting. Then I found out he was telling everyone at work that we broke up. Not everyone’s situation is the same. But I see red flags and if I were you, I would just help him out the door. He’ll realize how good he had it once he’s gone and then it’ll be too late. Good luck!

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The only thing he can do living alone that he can’t while living with you is see other people!
This was a shitty move and absolutely backwards! You don’t go from in a relationship living together to ‘just gonna live on my own quick’ and carry on the relationship like nothing!
:sweat_smile::exploding_head:
I’d be letting him live on his own… permanently :wave:t2::wave:t2:
Sorry your other half is an ass hole… hope you find better x

Buy a duplex. Live on one side while he lives on the other.

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He doesn’t want to be there anymore. Listen to his actions. He was planning to leave you. Let him go.

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He thinks its all too much and wants a way out. But he doesnt know how itll turn out so he will string u along incase he needs u.

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Looking for an easy way out .What about his kid from previous relationship? Prob having an affair and after a love nest.

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Yeah nuh :wastebasket: let it walk away you’re clearly just wasting your time with this one :roll_eyes:

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Come on…Really…You can not be that thick are you…He wants a bachelor pad…A chance to sew his oats independent of prying eyes and responsibilities and you’re standing by an watching it happen…

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I can understand his point of wanting to experience being alone but he should have thought of that before creating an extended family. I feel for you because this is such a selfish way of being only considering himself. Hate to say this, but you need to consider moving on without him

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Dang!!!that’s messed up!! Let him go

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Maybe, just MAYBE a had he been upfront and told you about it prior or when he first thought to look, I could believe that he possibly believed what he is telling you, but I’d still feel that he was ending the relationship, even if he wasn’t fully aware of that. The fact he hid it from you…. Yeah, don’t trust a word of it. He just doesn’t want to hurt you, fight, OR more likely just doesn’t want to be homeless until he has another place. Just my thoughts.

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He’s keeping his options open but this is selfish of him

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Hes never experienced living alone just moved in to live with a family of 5. Communicate and listen maybe he feels like he’s missing out on ever experiencing this. Now I dont want to say he’s for sure wanting out or he’s staying in the relationship because those are only answers u will get from him. My husband and I have been together for 16yrs but we’ve been married 11yrs. When we had our first child together we lived in separate homes but we still seen each other and it was like that before we were pregnant. We were engaged living in separate homes. Eventually we got an apartment together and then when I lost my job at hospital during training because I got the flu and wasn’t allowed to come in they let me go with 1 day of training left. We had to move out of our apartment and I was about 5-6 months pregnant with our 2nd child. He moved in with me at my parents house and then his grandparents let us move into their rental house that we’ve been living in for past 10yrs. We officially got married living with my parents. Now we have 3 children together and the relationship is strong because we have communication on everything together.

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Maybe he went behind ur back looking for a place because he was going to find a place for all of u and surprise u with it. After all u said he hates the area u live in and it seems like he done it for 3yrs but can’t handle being unhappy living in the area anymore so he wants to find a better area and then have u move in new place. Some also need space if hes never lived alone and went to living in a big family maybe he wants time alone to see what its like. Again doesn’t mean he’s wanting to break it off because u can live in different houses and still maintain a relationship. If thats something he feels like he missed out on he probably just wants to fill that void of not having done it but u can still maintain relationship. Why does it have to be ur splitting up because he chooses to fill a missing space or experience he never had before u met? U have to show each other support if ur going to still be together and make it work. If ur not willing to let him do something that makes him happy since he hates area u live in then ur kinda holding him back a little bit. U guys aren’t married yet so living in different places and still seeing each other in a relationship is ok to do. If u guys were married I would definitely worry then. All I can say is sit down and communicate with each other and listen to what he says he needs to be able to be happy to if ur going to be in a relationship together. Come to a compromise or something. It seems like because he moved in with u and kids in an area he hates he stayed 3yrs unhappy and hes probably just looking to not only fill this void of something he missed out on while dating u but I can see it as he’s just wanting to be happy or find his happiness by moving into an area he likes and is happy with and hoping ull be supportive. When ur in a relationship both of u deserve to be happy one should not have to sacrifice their happiness so u have to figure out what is going to work that will make u both happy. Maybe let him live alone for a little bit so he can experience it and maintain ur relationship together then make the suggestion of living together in an area u both like that will make u both happy. I’ve found that if u give ultimatums rather than listen, support and still maintain ur relationship by compromising and communicating then it typically doesn’t last because then the other person feels trapped like they have no decision or choice that will also make them happy in the relationship. So don’t give ultimatums but compromise and come together in the decision u make together ull be surprised at how much better it also makes the relationship between u two. Good luck!

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He wants to be single so let him

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Time to let him go. He should have done all that living alone before trying to have a family with you and your kids. Let him go and focus on your kids and yourself.

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I’d have it out with him. Sounds like he wants his single life back

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We wants to experience a single life…help him pack

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Plain and simple he’s tired of you and your children. He’s tried it and doesn’t like it. Let that man go on about his business and you go on about yours.l

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Don’t let him string you along, he is using you as a fall back if it doesn’t work out

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I feel like I understand him but don’t :sob: because why would you willingly date, start a life and move in with a woman that already has 4kids? Then suddenly decide you want to know how living alone is like :sob: but I get those feelings too, “dang, I never lived alone” always with my ex husband + child or with my sister + child. But I know that’s a life I’m never getting so :joy: I’m okay with what life blessed me with.

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Don’t fret sis. Be ok whether he’s ready to move on or not. Let him grow. It sounds like y’all have a great relationship anyhow. He’s not talking to you because he’s afraid of how you’re gonna react. Be patient. Let him know you love him and support his wishes. If it don’t work out between y’all if he decides to live on his own, that’s on him. Don’t let it be because you are forcing his hand. Worry about your kids and take care of you and yours anyhow. Be ok with it either way. Trust is #1. If you don’t trust him after 3 years, you’re not EVER going to.

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So he’s been using you for a place to live for three years and he’s blatantly told you he wants to live alone and you still wanna know how to fix this? Honey there is no fixing it. Let that man go and worry about you and yours.

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Show him the exit and no return to sender if he can’t handle single life.
Once he walks out the door that’s it.
Sit down and discuss your future and feelings about this
Where do you stand in relationship after his gone been there done that few days later he called it quits
Speak up now get your feelings heard.
Good luck :+1:

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Um live together then after years live separately? …seems like hes doing the “grass is greener on other side”

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Clearly wants to be single

I understand the want to experience living on your own at some point in your life, but the way he’s gone about it is all wrong

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He hates the place you live but you’re talking about putting it in his name or purchasing it for him? Sounds like he can’t stand the place and you dont want to leave place. Sounds like he’s talked to you about it before. I’ve heard of couples living separately for one reason or another and being the happier for it. If you want to live together, be willing to move bc it sounds like you’ve been digging in your heels for years and he’s been stuck in a place he hates, and trying to tell you he wants to move. You can look for a sizable 3 bedroom, maybe a house with a convertible Basement to make more space. If you don’t want to move, And it sounds like you just don’t, he’s stuck getting depressed and stress AF, or finding his own place. :woman_shrugging: what else is the man supposed to do? Suck it up forever?
Also, a lot of people look for houses as a way to dream ahead, even If they know they can’t move at the time. There’s nothing wrong with day dreaming. He stayed for 3 years in a place he hates to be able to be with you…everyone’s got a breaking point. So, be willing to move, or he’ll move on his own.
I know I’m the odd man out here. But it really sounds like hes been telling you for a while how he feels with no real support from you. Also, and hate all you want, he went from 1 kid to 5 kids, and since blending families is so hard anyways, add that stress to his hating the place yall live. All that stress and noise can amplify whatever depression he’s feeling about that house.
Either be willing to move and sit down with him and tell him and follow through…or let him go…bc he deserves to be happy and feel at peace too.

After three years and blending your family, his intent should be…being an active family member and thinking about your future. Like getting a bigger home, engagement, marriage, plans for moving forward etc. One person mentioned he’s moving backwards. I agree. You both should be moving forward and making plans. If this were me, I’d be grabbing moving boxes and helping him pack up and leave. Being it’s been a significant amount of time and him doing this behind your back, shows him emotional immaturity. You deserve better.

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I can honestly see both sides to this. It kinda sounds like he wants a break from living with you and the children for a while, he says he still wants to be with you so to me it sounds like he is telling the truth about wanting to experience living on his own, which I can personally understand and though it’s hard, you should try to be understanding as well. I can definitely understand why it’s upsetting to you though, especially when he didn’t talk to you about it.

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Why are you so focused on controlling him? He’s an adult perfectly capable of making his own decisions. He has been very clear that he has never lived alone and wants to. You don’t get to decosde how other people experience their lives. Keep fucking with him and making it about you and no one will blame him when he leaves you and your controlling bullshit behind. I sure would.

Accept what he’s saying and focus on You.Do you still want to be with him under these circumstances?Don’t just look at the finances,

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Let him go be prepared to do this alone

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Let him go, let him do it, man find that man his own dam house & you and them kids go an be happy where you at x

I kinda agree with him. He never lived on his own on his own terms. Being able to choose where to live, how to live. Come & go without having to explain to anyone or needing permission etc. He needs to find himself, who he is without the influence of others. I’d find it hurtful that he went behind your back. But judging by the way you’re reacting I can understand that too. You sound like a “my way or nothing” type of person. Why can’t you date, actually date each other without living together?

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He has no plans on staying with you…just doesnt have enough balls to tell you … Until after he moves… And even then… it’ll take a little bit… he’ll string you along …just a little bit.

I’d have him go now Don’t wait until he finds a place he’ll figure it out… kind of like you would have had to figure it out if you didn’t realize he was moving out behind your back, with 4 kids

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Yea No. relationship is over.

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Help him pack! Cut your losses he’s already checked out!

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Let him go and move on. Men can be stupid. They don’t realize what they have until it’s gone. You deserve better.

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He should of lived on his own BEFORE playing house with you… Not afterwards! Three years together, no marriage? Nope… Let him go! How long do you want to live in limbo?

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Let him go honey. Plenty of fish in the sea. Because chances are he will switch up real quick.

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Beginning of the end it seems

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It sounds like hr was to break up and be single but doesn’t know to tell u that

He wants to go try it let him. Or you can wait five more years and he goes to try it.

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Boot him. He was looking with intentions to leave and he just doesn’t want to be homeless so he’s covering himself with poor excuses. Boot him on your terms.

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