If he doesn’t want to be married & you do, the only solution is to break up. I mean you could wait around hoping he will change his mind but he might not ever. So you have to decide, how important is marriage truly to you?
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Suggest and sign a prenup. They are there to protect the both of you. If you are in a relationship with a child your debts are already combined; because if you are a SAHM, how do you pay your bills? Have an actual conversation about it without getting defensive and don’t take it personal. Ask him what are some ways that you can work together to help reduce those fears? If you corner him, he’s going to get defensive.
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Some people don’t want to be a forever girlfriend, and that’s valid. How many men have spent 5-10 years with a woman they never married, gave her kids and all, and then married someone else 1-3 years after that relationship ended? Men WILL marry the person they deem worthy.
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If you need marriage then let that be known and if he doesn’t want it then you need to go your own way and find someone who is good and will give you marriage.
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Spoiling you with necessities? What? That’s common decency, not spoiling you. Jewelry is spoiling you. Buying you toilet paper and deodorant is not.
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Marriage has a tendency of changing everything. It’s not for everyone. If it’s really that big of a deal for you maybe go to counseling and try to work it out. However, you don’t need to be married to be happy in your relationship.
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I’ll play devil’s advocate here.
I was the girl who thought a relationship was only right if it eventually made it to marriage. I would guilt boyfriends into proposing and none of them stuck around long enough to say “I do”. Until I met the man who actually became my husband. We were together 3 years before he proposed, married in our backyard the same year (thanks, Covid). And honestly? Not a damn thing has changed. It’s just a document, a slip of paper. I haven’t even made the effort to have my name legally changed and it’s been over a year since we got married. The whole process of planning was a headache and in reality, a financial hardship we had no business putting our kids through. The only plus? I’m the main beneficiary on everything if something happens to him. But girl…you can be that even just as his girlfriend. So the adult conversation you need to have should not revolve around marriage at all, it should be the one where you discuss you being the beneficiary and then make it happen. That’s what matters most, that you and your children are taken care of in the event that he’s no longer around. It’s obvious that he loves you and the idea of losing your family would break him. So why slap a title on it? Love IS enough. I promise.
You could talk about a potential agreement. You could also discuss a “spiritual wedding” where you get married but not be legally married. Some churches will do that so you world be married in the eyes of God just not in the eyes of the state.
I have friends who don’t want marriage on paper but have kids and she wanted the same last name as her kids. So they did just a last name change for her
Prenuptial agreement will ease his stresses.
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Have you two discussed a prenup?
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Prenups are there to protect all involved. He might be more open to suggestion if one is brought up.
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The first thing I am going to say: you don’t have to be married to be fully committed to someone.
My husband and I lived as though we were married for several years before we actually got married. We had a kid together.
I stayed home. He supported me. My son. And our son. Necessities first (obviously) and wants when we could afford it. Often encouraging me to take money and get for myself even when I wouldn’t. If we’re being 
taxes is really the big reason we got married.
It’s not that either of us was against marriage but we didn’t need it to be and feel committed (having a kid together should be a WAY bigger commitment that marriage imo)
Keeping all of that in mind, the legally binding aspect can definitely be intimidating. Yes. If he marries you and 5 years down the line you decide you’re out. Legally you can take half of everything, demand child support, and alimony and completely f**k him over. And unfortunately so many women actually do this, it can weigh heavily.
If you absolutely cannot cope with idea of not being legally married (you could do an “unofficial” ceremony.
Then ask about doing a prenup and the getting married so that he doesn’t have anything to worry about that.
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Have a prenuptial agreement.
It sounds equally important to him not to be married as it is for you to be married. You aren’t willing to compromise for him why should he compromise for you?
“HIS house and half HIS paycheck”
That tells you all you need to know
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Dont get married 
find a man who does since you wanna be married. Dont force him to marry you when he doesnt want to marry or you’ll get divorced again.
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Can I be honest?
Women marry when they love, men marry when they’re absolutely certain they want to be with that woman forever. If you were “the one” none of what you’re saying would be an issue.
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You two need to sit down & figure out if this is a deal breaker. Both of you are right no matter what you two decide. It’s not fair for him to force you to not be married but it’s also not right for you to force him into marriage. I will also put this out there-If he truly doesn’t want to get married ( the reason doesn’t matter no matter how trivial it may seem to you ) & you convince him or guilt him into them your marriage will eventually fail. It’s not something that should be forced or pressured.
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You don’t need marriage I was the same dead set against it , it puts a strain on a relationship sometimes and he agrees 15 years together and honestly if we do we do if we don’t I’m classed as common law wife anyway once together more than 10 years also one another next of kin etc its just a piece of paper and and extra bill at the end of the day
So, my boyfriend and I were against marriage because of how both our first marriages went. We have a 3 month old together and recently decided we would get married due to certain circumstances. Well we recently got into a big argument and both decided marriage right now isn’t the way we want to go. Honestly though the piece of paper is just that…a piece of paper stating you’re married. That doesn’t make a marriage.
Prenup. If he wont do it with that,then he doesnt want to marry you. You will have to decide if can live with that in that case. Maybe compromise and say can both wear rings but not be married? That is up to you both to decide. May have to leave if want a permanent commitment.
This is really why women should wait until married to get pregnant. It isnt good for kids either for you to be going back and forth between different men. Condoms combined with bc pills are effective and not hard to come by.
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Why ruin a good thing? If you love him does it really matter if you have the same last name?
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Pull up your own marriage contract or get a prenup
My husband and I got a common-law marriage, we have seperate bank accts and a household acct. Bills are in 1 or the others names… to get the best deals. We pay bills out of household acct and based on what we make. I work so I contribute more money to the household. He’s is disabled vet and is house husband and takes care of me and the house. Our only bill together is our house payment. Being married doesn’t automatically entangle everything
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Your relationship is NOT healthy. How does a man look at you and tell you he doesn’t want to build a life with you… get a new man…
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Prenup. But the his house, his paycheck, is a little suspicious.
My boyfriend and I will probably never get married. He’s been married twice already.
Get rid of him and get someone that doesn’t treat you like a weekend fling
The part that bothers me about all this is his comments he doesn’t want your debts combined together, he doesn’t want you to get half his paycheck or house, sounds like he’s only worried about himself not you or you twos child’s future. ( does he have a will that leaves you or your child anything?) if he doesn’t I’d be worried, if he does then I wouldn’t worry so much about marriage.
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Newsflash for him. If you live together after one year it’s commonlaw marriage and so , he still has to merge all his debts with you and give you half of everything so …. He would be better off marrying you and letting you sign a prenup.
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If you have lived together and have a child together in the eyes of the law you are Common Law and have the rights of a spouse anyway. Unless he has a will, everything will go to you. Same in family court. If you fought in family court you would get support the same as if you were married. Half of everything and child and spousal support.
Move out if he wants a girlfriend he can pick you up for dates there’s millions of ways to make money on social media , start something and start saving up and no you don’t have to take your clothes off or please other pig men out there I make 6 figures working with 100% women and has nothing to do with sex - get yourself a body sculpting machine on Amazon offer body contour massages to your friends , followers etc there’s a lot you can do
Wow, he doesn’t want you to have anything? That alone kind of tells you how he feels about you right there.
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I was with my husband 25 years before he married me . 5 engagement rings over the years . Finally married me when he realized financially I would be in a mess . He did not want me working. We got married he died 4 years later .
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Newsflash to him…if you file for child support you’ll already have half his paycheck. I’d leave his sorry a$$ behind and do exactly that.
I agree, marriage is a piece of paper. Maybe ask if he will be okay with having a ceremony but not legalize it?
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Remind him that for legal purposes he should. If he ever had an emergency and is hospitalized you can’t visit and his parents will have to sign any documents for him. If he dies he’s leaving you and your child with nothing because it will go to the closest adult relatives. If he’s afraid you’ll get divorced and you’ll take his house and his money remind him that prenuptial agreements are there for a reason.
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How about you ask him if you would sign a prenup stating you are not interested in his house and half of his paycheck in case the marriage goes south.
That should persuade him to get married you will get what you always wanted and that will alleviate his concerns too.
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He sounds selfish he s not gonna change !!!
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My grandparents have been together over 10 years. They calle eachother husband and wife even though they are not married. They have the same idea but its because my GPA started a very successful business before my gma and him got together. You dont have to be legally married to still be husband and wife in your hearts
Marriage isn’t everything. You knew how he felt about marriage as well. You took that chance when you stayed with him. If he doesn’t believe in marriage why should he be forced to do so?
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I was with my high school sweetheart for 8 years. We never had kids together but I left because he never wanted to get engaged or move in together. A year later I met my soulmate who proposed within 9 months. Don’t settle, girl!!! We have been married 3 years with a beautiful son.
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You two could work out a pre-nup before you get married. Tell him that. If he still says no then leave. There probably is no hope if he continues to say no.
Necessities is not spoiling. Please take a step back and look at the realities of your relationship.
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If he gets you a ring that symbolizes it will you feel better? Marriage is just a concept. You don’t need the paper!
Depending on where you live and their laws, you may already technically be common law married and you’d have almost all the same rights as if you were married.
Thats why there is such thing as a Prenuptial agreement
If it isnt something that can be compromised over then there is really not a reason to try. If he doesnt want to do it with a prenup and its something you absolutely have to have for it to work then it would be best to just walk away. Honestly it sounds like if everything else in the relationship is great however I would be ok with it not being official as long as he ensures that if something were to happen to him or you that your child would be cared for.
He screwed himself when y’all had a kid 
if you leave him you can get child support and there goes his paycheck 
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wow. just wow.
" i dont want to leave, im not getting any younger "
girl - bye.
leave him. he don’t deserve you then.
marriage is dumb to alot of people, including myself - and my partner knew i didn’t want to get married either. he still is with me 7yrs later, with a child- and we have a solid thing going on without the marriage ties. we can leave each other without anythjng holding is together other than bills we have together if it comes down to that nitty shit. our child will always be first.
if your willing to type i dont want to wait anymore should i leave over him not marrying me - he doesn’t deserve you
marriage is a piece of paper- and if your relationship is healthy- you dont need to get married to validate it either or for any legal reason. thats crazy.
good luck.
In most States common law marriages exist and if so your debts and his debts are already mingled together but the part on where he don’t want you to have half of his paycheck I don’t know what to tell you I’m not part.
Y’all can be together forever without being married. And it seems like that’s more of what he wants. Why don’t you just ask him for a promise ring or for y’all both to wear rings and be verbal married.
Offer to sign a prenup if that’s the only thing he’s worried about…sounds like he wants to make you happy but doesn’t want to screw you both over in the long run
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You can have the ceremony. And the celebration. Without the paper legally binding you. And no one needs to know that you ARENT legally married if you don’t want them too.
What does that mean==Spoiling you with necessities? Does he buy you extra toilet paper and toothpaste?
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I think it might be time for some self reflection for both of you. Do you HAVE to get married? Does he HAVE to not? Relationships are about compromise and coming together. Neither my husband or I were really wanting marriage but we did so we would all have his last name after we started having kids. I personally would have been okay with not. Some people feel otherwise. Regardless of what anyone else says, the only people who matter are you two! Don’t let anyone shame you into thinking you or your relationship is less because your not married. And don’t let someone keep you from something you truly want, as long as it’s what you truly want.
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Leave. Yoh know what you want and what he doesn’t. If he dies you get no say in anything. If mom wants to block you from the hospital or the funeral. OH well. If he decides to cheat and leave, you get nothing for all your wasted time. Marriage means alot. Do t let anyone tell you it doesn’t. You can’t get what you want if you don’t leave what is holding you back.
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Why buy the milk when the cows free??
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You may have to just say, look, I’m in a relationship with the goal of marriage. If this is not a shared goal, it’s best we part ways so we can each find what we are looking for.
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You’ve expressed your desire for marriage to him and he’s expressed his desire to not be married to you. Ask yourself if you can truly accept that you may never get married. As some people said before it’s not fair for either of you to try and pressure each other to change your minds, that will only lead to resentment and that never turns out well. Either way before marriage I truly believe both partners must have aligned values in regards to stuff like this. Also in reference to people saying “it’s just a piece of paper” your paycheck is “just a piece of paper” your passport is just “a piece of paper” and other things are “just a piece of paper” the importance of it is that if either one of these people have a medical emergency they can’t be with each other or make decisions about one another amongst other things if you aren’t married. Another thing is that him saying he doesn’t want her to end up with half his paycheck or his house is a little sketch, why would you want the person who makes your house a home and has your children to be well off? It just sounds like he’s not that involved emotionally. He may work a lot and spoil you with necessities but is that really enough to hold you forever?
I have been with my guy for 12+ years and we have 3 children together. We never got married, and it has worked beautifully. You need to decide how important marriage is to you. He could change his mind over time too, but if you want different things, maybe it is time to reconsider things. In the end, in my opinion, if you’re going to be committed to someone, their debt is your debt, your house is their house, married or not. He has the wrong mindset here in terms of these.
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Prenup = best of both worlds. You get your marriage. He doesn’t have to worry about assets.
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If you believe in marriage. Then find someone else to share your life with. If he loves you he’ll change his mind if you’re willing not to accept less
Because he has 2 kids from his 1st marriage he would not want a legal marriage maybe he had a bad experience from his 1st marriage an his Ex wife an him had a secret agreement that he would not legally get married a 2nd time because of his first set of kids he had previously with her…
Most men will want a live in woman than be legally married a 2nd time …
But once he is living in with u an u have a child together so …
Most men after a 1st divorce they doesnt want to be legally married due to the ASSETS he has Accomplish…
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It’s a piece of paper. My husband and I would still be together without marriage but he wanted us insured through him. Crazy how you can purchase and pay for insurance but they are picky about who you have on your policy.
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First - depending on your state it really won’t matter if you are married once you’ve been together long enough
Second - marriage doesn’t mean much without a belief in the institution of it. His reasoning means he doesn’t. True believers don’t really question the end of it and what they’d lose, in other words it means more than money.
That being said you’ll have to decide what YOU want. If you want to be married and part of an equal relationship this could be a deal breaker for you, as it should be. If it’s important to you and he doesn’t want it… it’s time to move on. He won’t one day wake up believing in marriage and if he does it just FOR you he will resent it.
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I don’t understand why some people think marriage defines a relationship. Ugh. I don’t ever want to get married. Not because I don’t wanna be with my fiancée. I just don’t wanna get married. It’s just a piece of paper.
Prenup. Easy peasy. Situate the divorce while y’all love each other.
I don’t like the reasons he doesn’t want to get married… he does want you to have half his money and his house?! What are y’all doing now? I get not wanting to take on debt but doesn’t he want y’all to have things and grow together? I would bring up a prenup and if he’s not willing to consider that I may move on. The one thing I love about being married to my hubby is we have plans to grow and succeed together. Everything we do is for each other and our family. If the bf can’t get with that he can get gone lol
A lot of y’all are missing the point. Doesn’t matter how you feel about marriage - it’s important to OP.
His reasoning behind not wanting to get married seems kind of controlling and douchey to me. I’d take a step back and really examine your relationship. It’s cool if he doesn’t want to get married, it’s cool if you do-but it’s a problem that y’all aren’t on the same page. You’re going to have to either accept that and learn to live with it, change his mind, or decide to move on from the relationship.
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I never wanted to get married either. I did finally do it, it was 6 years after we got together. Don’t force it. That may just destroy your relationship.
4 yrs really not a long time it’s only a piece of paper and a name change if you want if you truly love him you wouldn’t be asking this question take Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel for example they’ve been together for a very long time there not MARRIED
You don’t have a healthy relationship. Obliviously he doesn’t see a future when he doesn’t want debts tied together or you to get his house. Cause if he thought there was a solid future he wouldn’t worry about those things.
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I feel the same as you about marriage and i won’t live with someone unless I’m married. That’s the way I feel about that subject and if marriage isn’t in the cards neither am I. It’s a deal breaker for me, but that’s just my opinion.
you need a new oyfriend
I am in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. We both say we are not getting married. We do not need the government to tell us Who we care for. Now in the event something happens to me everything is documented that he will keep everything including my kids. (No he is not their dad my husband killed himself a few yrs ago) however for us we made a choice we are bonded together, he is my forever and I am his.
I think it doesnt matter if your married. If u live together and are common law you still have rights to eachothers stuff…marriage is just a paper
Why can’t we normalize not wanting to get married?
I don’t believe in marriage and my boyfriend of 5 years and a 3 year old son, does believe in marriage and is cool with it… told him I’d say yes if he asked but it’d be cool if he didn’t and we don’t talk about it.
I personally don’t think being married is a relationship deal breaker vs something like having kids not having kids 
enjoy your life with him and raise your family 
it is just a piece of paper after all but if it really does means that much to you find somebody else gl
A piece of paper does not make your family perfect don’t spoil what you have .just be there for one another and love each other that piece of paper changes nothing .you say he treat you lovely then just enjoy what you have together .
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Why does it matter? It’s literally a piece of paper that truly makes your life harder should you ever need insurance, or any type of assistance, etc. If he has debts, you’ll be the one paying it off he is correct about that. You could literally stay together forever, and have a ceremony and get “married” WITHOUT having the government involved in that. Should you get divorced, you won’t have to go through the mess of divorce, all that money wasted, etc… So talk to him about possibly getting married but not sign papers, and you could still literally have a wedding and everything. It really isn’t that big of a deal tbh as long as you still get your dream wedding or whatever.
Have a civil union ceremony n celebration of your live and commitment. You dont need a legal paper binding you.
If he’s so afraid of the (chance) of losing things if things go wrong. This should fix that thought in his hesitancy. Or pre- nup
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What would marriage change for you ?
In certain states you have common law marriage. Why not just be happy with what you have? You could end this and marry a monster all because you wanted a piece of paper and different last name.
First thing first… his excuses are lame because having a child with you and you being a stay at home mom he’s already technically splitting the paycheck. So how would it be any different. Secondly yes to many it is a piece of paper but that piece of paper can give somewhat of a sound mind in such an uncertain world in that should anything happen to you or him they can help make decisions such as death or even just being in a coma. I would personally talk to him again. Maybe offer up something like an unofficial ceremony and make that commitment in front of friends and family without the license especially if you are both truly happy. Another thing would offer up Maybe making a prenuptial agreement and see if that changes his thoughts. If not then you have to decide on what you truly want and make your decision accordingly. He can’t make you stay if you want to go and you can’t make him marry you if he doesn’t want to. Definitely need to do some soul searching and see what it is you truly want for your future.
You’re with the wrong person If you want to be married!!
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You could always do a domestic partnership, it’s all the recognition of marriage without the legality of it.
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If you really want to marry him and the only reason he doesn’t want to get married is for financial reasons. Why don’t you make and sign a prenup.
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Go to counseling get on the same page, sounds like you don’t want the same things, you want marriage, he doesn’t seem like he does
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Apparently he don’t want to get married! A prenuptial agreement would solve the issue about worrying about his paycheck and house! Just saying you do not have a healthy relationship.
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Some people just dont wanna be married. Oh well. I’m one of those people that would prefer to not marry again. But if I do, bet your sweet butt we signing a prenup. What’s mine is mine and what’s his is his. Gotta protect yourself.
If y’all file taxs together, and y’all’s state recognize common law marriage, ya’ll basically are married. Just no paper. But his reasoning for not getting married are disturbing to me. I mean. He doesn’t want you to get his house or money? WTH. He should want you to be able to get things for the home when y’all need it, with the money he provides. I mean, how the heck are you to raise your babies to be good adult if you can’t be a good example for them? I mean, it seems fishy. I’d have a serious calm talk with him about it and why he doesn’t want you to get some things. I mean y’all been together for 4 years now, and he still thinks like that about marriage? I’ve been with my hubby (common law marriage) for almost 6 years. We filled our taxes together the very first year not thinking about it. But with both of our families very Christian and all, they don’t acknowledge the fact that we are common law married. They keep saying we are living in sin because we’re not married they way they want us to be, but we’re perfectly happy with how things are. Heck, if I told my family my true sexuality and preference, theyll disown me in a blink of an eye. So just talk to your guy. Best luck to you.
Depending where you live a common-law spouse has nearly all the legal entitlements as a legal spouse after 6mnths of cohabitation. So basically his concern about the house and his pay check results in the same outcome wedding or not.
Marriage is someone saying what’s mine is yours and yours is mine. What would worry me is he is already assuming you won’t make it if he’s scared you’ll get half his “stuff”. You are with the wrong guy he didn’t want to make a lifelong commitment
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This is the exact reason I choose not to have a significant other. I don’t want to get married again, and I refuse to have to let someone down and hurt them if they were to propose to me.
If you feel the need of wanting to be married and he does not, you both will be resentful with the other eventually if you don’t get married or if you do get married. It’s a lose lose situation. Unless he or you genuinely change your minds.
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I would be offended big time that the man I’m committed to doesn’t want to share everything with me. He spoils you with necessities? Know your worth. You deserve way better. If he respected you he would marry and be financially responsible for family. He’s selfish. Again you are settling for less than you deserve.
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jesus. there is some underlying issues there. my husband and I keep accounts separate and split bills. married 6 years.
Just be together for now, and in 5 years time come back to the issue of marriage. Help him get his debits in order, like help organize his money and pay small debts 1st. Credit Karma is great to get that organized.
You will most likely never find Mr right if you stay with Mr wrong. Took me a lot of years to learn I cannot be happy in a relationship where we each want different things out of life
I was with my husband for 11 yrs b4 we got married after that long I didn’t even care about marriage I knew that I didn’t want to live without him and then we got married after 5 kids