My boyfriend of now 4yrs seems to be very against marriage. He claims only because he doesn’t want our debts to bind together, which I understand. He also says he doesn’t want me to end up with his house or half his paycheck, etc.
Its a very touchy subject because we have 1 child together, and I have 2 from a previous marriage. Our relationship is extremely healthy, except for when we talk about marriage. It literally rips my heart out and I don’t think it’s fair to either one of us. I guess I just need advice. I’m currently SAHM, he works a lot. He has always treated me right and spoiled me with necessities. He got me some jewelry this yr for our 4yr anniversary. Im just worried because I have always wanted to be married and he knew what I wanted when we got together. He claims he is “open minded” about marriage but it doesn’t seem like it. I don’t want to leave but Im not getting any younger either. I’m just so heartbroken and confused on how to approach it. Advice please ladies!
Ive been with my partner nearly 18 years never married everything separate we have 3kids he feels the same as your bloke
I do not want to get legally married at all my fiance does but I’m willing to do a ceremony with no legal binding because I have had 2 previous marriages that failed. Do not push the matter on him it will cause way more issues than there needs to be if yall are happy now.
He has told you how he feels, stop trying to force him to do something he doesn’t want to. If marriage is that important to you find someone who wants to get married.
why wouldn’t you want the mother of your child who raises your child to “end up with his house”. That part bothers me. Sounds like he is planning to ditch you later with nothing and being a sahm that’s a red flag to me because you have no income of your own…
Enjoy him and respect his decision if you love him. Don’t make him feel the pressure of a legally binding marriage when he doesn’t want it. If your happy and he’s happy why get married? If it works don’t try put a contract on it.
He’s worried about you getting Half his paycheque?! But you’re a SAHM to his child! You definitely SHOULD have access to that money (if not that’s financial abuse) so what would change?!
And ‘spoil you with the necessities’!?! So cringeworthy
Sounds like he’s not ever going to change to me 
If marriage is important to you I’d have a serious sit down convo about if he’s going to do that, or if you’re leaving.
(I’ve been married 8yrs and a SAHM to 3 littles) I wouldn’t be in this relationship if it didn’t provide everything I wanted out of it
Stay as you are. If it’s healthy no need to screw it up.
U r crazy to put up with him run run run
I would ask yourself why it’s so important to you that you be married, is being legally married going to change that much for you that it’s that important, then I would sit and ask him if you guys talk prior and even maybe sign paperwork so he would be more comfortable, would he then marry you. I would maybe ask why he is so scared of these things happening if you guys plan to be together for the long haul regardless. I think the convo needs to happen no matter how hard it is, it will tell you what you need to know.
Marriage is a commitment…it is not just a piece of paper…it also gives the partner the legal right to what is due…compare that to gay marriages…they also want legal rights.
Marriage isn’t just about finances. If something were to happen to either of you health wise, legally neither of you would have a say in it…. Neither of you would have rights to identify bodies/getting bodies for funerals etc. it’s not just about finances…. If he had a baby with you, you think he’d want the mother of his child to have access to a proper home if something major were to happen other than divorce….
If you file a joint tax return,you are married
A friend of mine was with his GF since like freshman year. They were never married. Had kids together. Finally one day they figured 25 yrs together to get married. Well they are divorced and they don’t speak and it’s been 6 yrs now. Sometimes not being married is great especially if you have an amazing relationship unmarried already.
Someone else said it. But ask if he is willing to do a ceremony and reception if it’s not legally binding.
Marriage is scary. Maybe doing that will give you what you want for now and him still feel comfortable as well.
Later down the road you can just elope if you both come to a ground fo wanting to be legally married.
Seems like he don’t want u
It’s important to you it’s not to him …. You need to decide if you can live without being married in what you claim as a healthy happy relationship or if you need the paper to complete your life. It isn’t any more fair for you to try and change his mind then it is for him to try and change yours.
Personally I would not be leaving a happy healthy relationship because I want a sheet of paper.
You can still get married/have a wedding without anything being on paper
Just understand something and understand it sooner than later:
You have told him what you want - he adamantly will not give it to you. You have two choices: stay and accept it as it is, or leave.
I know this is not easy and you’re hurting. But the sooner you come to terms with that, the sooner you can move on as is and accept it, or move on and find someone who will give you what you want.
Exactly you are not getting any younger … find someone who wants the same thing as you ! Don’t force yourself all because y’all have a kid together … respect his needs ??? What about him respecting yours ?
Start looking for a job and get out of that relationship… anyone can buy you anything you desire … but materialistic things don’t always last… take your own feelings into consideration think about your happiness too … you don’t want to live in regret wishing you should’ve listened to your heart.
Marriage is just a a paper anyway but he clearly said he doesn’t want you to keep a house with YALLS child !??? 
You have a great relationship he is good to you n the kids. A piece of paper means nothing. Someday he might change his mind. Now isn’t the time. Move on for now
If a man wants to marry you he will and judging from your statement he has all the excuses not to marry you. It’s up to you if you want to stay in such a relationship or move on with someone who actually wants to marry. Dont ever settle for less…
Well…
He has revealed himself. And now you have 4 years and a child. Actions have spoken.
So accept it …
Or more on.
The day he had a child with you is the day he split his paycheck. So regardless why would that be one of his excuses at all? Marriage isnt about the worry of losing things, it’s about the joy and task of working together through it ALL!
If you are wanting a wedding, offer up an unofficial ceremony. You can have your wedding without the legalities of marriage. Legal marriages aren’t for everyone. Then call each other husband and wife. Legally you arent married so he doesn’t have to worry about the stuff he says he is worried about but you guys are married where it matters. Marriage is just paper. It sounds like if everything else is healthy in your relationship, then he may have some issues from the past. Is LEGALLY getting married important enough to uproot your relationship? Ceremony or even just calling each other husband and wife with rings or whatever seems like a good comprise.
You can be in a committed relationship without marriage. A piece of paper doesn’t change that. Why do you care so much about it? Were you taught it’s a necessary thing? Not everyone wants that. He may later, he may not. How he treats you matters. Would you give that up for someone that will do marriage but won’t treat you as well? You have to decide if that piece of paper is worth giving him up. I myself use to think marriage was it but then I realized it wasn’t. Now I don’t care about a piece of paper, a happy healthy me/relationship is much more important.
Don’t do it. Marriage is a trap.
Umm, all th things he is worried about cab happen regardless if you’re married or not.
Its working for Goldie and Kurt Russell. + but he also states how he feels. Its tuff decision I left our relation ship after 8 years because he demanded I hot an abortion. It worked out well for me. My son was the best tning that ever happen to.
If you love him that’s all that matters. I planned weddings for years. 75 per year and most of them were just for show and a huuuge waste of money. I know so many people that have been great up until wedding planning and dont make it past a few years of marriage. It’s just an unwritten rule of life to get married but it’s really not necessary as long as you love him. If you have a child with him you’re already entitled to child support should things go sour so the whole “half of my paycheck” thing is out the window.
The child you share together is more binding than marriage. Technically living together this long makes you common law in the eyes of the court.
Jebus lady it’s just marriage… if he’s with you now, than get the F over it… Not every relationship needs to get married. Maybe get a job and take care of yourself instead 
Either stay and let him have everything like he intends on and be happy with what he gives you and when he has had enough and you and the kiddos are out the door with nothing and call that love or find true love and someone willing to share his whole life and everything included in it with you. If you need a man in your life thinking that will keep you happy forever then honey you never had a life to begin with anyways.
For reason pretty similar to your boyfriends, my husband and I have never legally been married. We have been together 12 years, have a 7 year old and built our life together as you would even with “the vows”
It’s disturbing to me that people say they don’t want to get married because they don’t want you to get half? Then to me you are going into a marriage, but planning on getting a divorce(eventually) That doesn’t make any sense. I would think if you plan on marrying someone it would be going into it thinking of growing old together……
Without marriage you have no rights. Without marriage your just a girlfriend no one will pay any attention to if he dies or something happens. Your simply babies momma. No rights no claims no security.
Marriage isn’t for everyone. My bf and I don’t want to get married
Have a celebration of the relationship instead
I would not want to marry anyone that I had to pressure to marry. It would only lead to disaster. I am also like him though. I do not want to ever be married.
Marriage is just a piece of paper, he’s already committed to you, why fix it if it isn’t broken, it won’t change anything between you, if it’s something you can’t live without then you will have to speak to him and make him aware that if he doesn’t change his mind something will give but why does he have to change his mind, why don’t you have a commitment ceremony without it being a legal marriage? Compromise? I always wanted to get married but tbh my partner and I are happier than ever marriage won’t change that, sounds like marriage won’t change that for you either 
What about a prenuptial agreement?
Well he needs to know that your 4yrs in, an have already set up a lifestyle of what your use to with your kids an his child with you, Iv been thru it n a stay at home mom, the judge let me stay n house not married gave me 1yr, to figure out what to do n go, he had to pay the mortgage, n child support for his child, n health care for me n his child cause I was stay at home mom n used to that lifestyle we set up together, so it really don’t matter he needs to realize once yall had a kid he was in deep then…but if u dont care stay if u do n he wont marry then leave
If I ain’t broke don’t fix it.
Marriage is literally just a piece of paper. If you have a happy relationship cherish it instead of sabotaging it over something that won’t make the relationship better.
If you have a good relationship, he’s good to you and the kids then why fix it if it isn’t broken! A piece of paper really doesn’t mean anything it just makes it legal!! I’ve been with my guy for 10 years and we’re still going strong!! He bought me my dream ring to signify we’re together!! Just give it time and maybe he will change his mind!! Some people whose been together already so long and they get married I’ve seen it get destroyed! Just be happy with what you got!! Good Luck!!
So he isn’t willing to make that commitment because he is afraid you will take half of what is his. So he doesn’t see you all staying together? Ask yourself the whys and then make your decision. If you choose to walk away make sure you are 100% happy with your decision. After all you will be leaving a happy healthy relationship, however if you are on here asking is it truly happy and healthy for both of you? Maybe seek counseling for yourself to clarify what you want and need and maybe later ask him to join you so you both understand each other a little better. None of us here are professionals and even then a professional only goes by what you tell them, ultimately you are the one in the relationship and know what you need to do. Also, maybe it’s time you became independent of him and got your own career and didn’t rely on him, maybe then the controlling on his part would stop. He would see that you are capable of doing things without him and are not dependent on him and maybe then he will open his eyes and see that maybe he does need to wife you. Right now he knows he has you and you don’t have the means to leave him.
Our relationship is extremely healthy, except when it isn’t. I never wanted to be married but I’m glad I did. Recently I had to make several choices for my husband and had to be prepared for his passing. That all wouldve been left up to his parents if we werent married. And his mom doesn’t like me even after 22 years together while I helped him through two rounds of cancer and heart surgery.
Ask him if he’d reconsider marriage if you signed a pre nup that “protected” his paycheck and home, if you’re open to that.
Sounds like he is really worried about being screwed over by the system if things don’t work out. It’s common for men to feel this way.
If it’s a dealbreaker for you then you have to leave him 
you’re incompatible
You should look up local laws as if those are his concerns, living together for so long you might already be entitled to those things… So getting married won’t change it… Or compromise and have a commitment ceremony, so you can celebrate your love without the piece of paper.
You deserve marriage if you feel so strongly about it.
I’d approach the subject of a prenup? Maybe pay off your debt and then do it that way. Or you can talk about a commitment ceremony. This would allow you both to get what you want. It can be done the same as a wedding with the dress, party, and vows. But it’s also not legally binding, it’s more of a declaration of your commitment vs a price of paper
Its not necessary to be married . Lots of marriages now end in divorce so its no guarantee tbh
If you love each other and are totally committed but hes against marriage…go see a lawyer and draw up a cohabitation agreement
He might be doing a chandler and putting you off the idea because he’s going to propose
Get a job and save and stop living off him feel good about yourself and the rest will come easier
Do not sign a pre nup run your good enough to lay with not marry run
He does realize that married or not your entitled to that regardless
Only thing he is right about is the debt. Other than that you are already entitled to his house and “half his paycheck”
In Texas, if you live together (prove you get mail at his address) and if he filed taxes claiming you and child as dependents, then legally you are married and if he wanted to go separate ways, you could actually file divorce papers. My niece just had to do this after a 6yr relationship with 1 child just ended. He also wouldn’t marry her because he’s had 2 divorces and he didn’t want to have to “get divorced if it ended”…
Just saying.
So offer to sign a detailed prenuptial agreement. Seems like an easy fix.
Some people don’t need to get married. Why am I going to pay the state for permission to be with someone? Why would I need a piece of paper and a fancy dress to prove I love someone and want to be with him? I’m here aren’t I?
You deserve happiness. Marriage is possible and you need to make the best decision.
If you guys don’t want the same things it’s not going to work… one of you will always be unhappy… I suggest leaving and finding your happiness.
Decide what’s more important to you… My boyfriend never wants to get married but neither do I so after four years we are still totally content with us and our son… We live together and share all responsibility and bills we just aren’t legally bound to each other in any way other than our son… Works for us…
Tons of people don’t get married and get along fine just bring a couple. Besides, after a certain amount of years it’s a common law marriage
Doesn’t want you to end up with his house? So…. Does he mean if you split? Or does he not intend to care for you in the case of his death???
Check the laws in your state. Many of them maintain separate property if acquired prior to the marriage. Or a prenup can fix that either way.
Sounds like a jackass to me.
Maybe a prenup so he feels secure one that states whatever is earned during marriage goes to the person who earned it? On the house put both your names and if you divorce agree to sell it splitting the profits. My aunt and uncle did this and are still married twenty years later. They each have their own car and separate bank accounts and one joint for household expenses.
Get a job!!! If that’s his mind set you will not be financially secure by staying home
Is marriage a non-negotiable for you? If you want marriage, you deserve marriage - and it’s a reasonable want considering your cohabitation and child together. It might just not be him you marry. And he should also be considering the same… Is marriage a non-negotiable for him? Can he truly be happy with someone who fundamentally feels the opposite of him …and might not ever be happy because of it? He may need to decide to find someone who does not want marriage. Life is hard but it is what it is 
If u just want to experience the wedding part, pick a day, saw ur vows have a get together. U don’t have to do it legally. U can have pictures done too! Celebrate ur love
Marriage is simply a piece of paper. I have been with my man since high school… 26 years now. Living common law. Been ‘engaged’ for about 15 years. Got a ring. I’m good, no need to get the government involved in our relationship 
But seriously, if he’s worried you will get half of his shit if you divorce, lol you still gonna get half his shit if your not married. Living common law for so many years is just as good as being legally married. You still get half.
Plus a wedding is a huge waste of money, in my opinion. Just live, be happy, enjoy life together and stop being so hung up on a piece of paper.
You’ve already been married! Why another ?? If you’re happy why push it ?
I’m sorta in the same boat fk getting married when you get threatened with what rights they have
What is more important. Being with him or a marriage?
Not marrying doesn’t change how the law defines the relationship ship in terms of assets at the time of a split.
He doesn’t want to get married, or he just doesn’t want to get married “to you”. What does the debt matter? Start looking for a job, pay off your debt, buy your own place. If you stay with him that long and he still doesn’t want to get married consider leaving. That way you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Marriage is antiquated… but if y’all are in a relationship like that, I would think your finances are already merged?
I would never be married again. A strong relationship doesn’t have to have the government involved to solidify it and make it a true relationship.
Sorry but he sounds quite self-centered and selfish if he’s worried about you getting half his house.
If you still want to marry him tell him he can set up a prenuptial.
You’re not really permanent to him…he’s keeping his options open and has told you so by saying that you may get half of his assets.
Excuses on his part it’s called prenup and when you really love someone nothing else matters including bills and possessions
No one says you have to stay, What a story
It’s just a piece of paper and y’all already playing house together as it is which is what marriage is so if u can’t accept not getting married then leave if it upsets you this much in the end. Divorce costs money so think abt it if y’all get married then later down the road y’all wanna get divorced it costs money n it’s just a mess n a headache getting divorced but if y’all don’t get married then y’all can just separate deal with custody etc
Why not get married through your religious beliefs, but not the state?? That way his mind is at ease and you have your marriage. Also, depending on your state, there is a common law marriage… Check your state laws.
Marriage isn’t everything. It’s cool to do the rings and just throw a small party. If the relationship is good between you two, why fix something that isn’t broken? It’s just a status.
Also whatever debt he acquired before marriage is his only the same with ur debt it’s yours only. Now if the debt that is made while married then that would matter n most likely be split. But like I said it’s just a piece of paper for marriage n it’s basically for the governments sake n not really yours guys honestly n also if his house is his name only n acquired before marriage then u can’t get it anyways unless he puts you on the paperwork as a co signer/spouse.
Agree to a prenuptial
Then if it goes south you dont get half of his anything 
HOWEVER, if that is what he is worried about with marriage I think yall need to talk 
Just curious why you need to be married, why is that piece of paper so important to you? Have you thought about and discussed maybe a commitment ceremony and changing your last name? No legal anything imvolved.
He doesn’t want you to end up with a roof over your head and money for security if your future? This alone should tell you something. 
you are common law you get half if you split up
Why does he feel this way? Was he married before?
His holding u hostage.
All that matters is what you can live with. He is not wrong for his feelings and neither are you. If he is treating you right and you love him, only you can decide if you can be truly happy not getting that sheet of paper.
Its clearly not healthy if he refuses to commit totally to you.
I think he just doesn’t want to get married to u… who has debt between the two of u. Honestly you are wasting your time and he will never commit no matter what. There are so many ways to protect his money
Honestly as a failed married person I can tell you there is no difference in if you’re married or not but sometimes and in my case once we got that legal paper signed it went down hill
“Spoiled me with necessities”
???
Like ‘he so sweet he paid the electric bill so I could raise our child with things like a refrigerator & lights. I should be glad he spoils me’ should not be the attitude. There ARE ways to get married & protect him from losing his home. Now child/spousal support is a different story & may be set by the state based on a percentage of his income due to your SA HM status.
Know your worth.
So why don’t you get a pre nup. He’s absolutely right 50% of marriages end in divorce. Both of you need to protect yourselves for the just in cases!
Why is it so important to you to get married?
My dad and step mom were together 27 years till she died never married a piece of paper isn’t everything
If he’s so amazing why do you NEED to be married? You’ve already been married and it didn’t work out. If you’re relationship is stable, marriage isn’t going to secure it that much more.
He should be ex boyfriend