My boyfriend of now 4yrs seems to be very against marriage. He claims only because he doesn’t want our debts to bind together, which I understand. He also says he doesn’t want me to end up with his house or half his paycheck, etc.
Its a very touchy subject because we have 1 child together, and I have 2 from a previous marriage. Our relationship is extremely healthy, except for when we talk about marriage. It literally rips my heart out and I don’t think it’s fair to either one of us. I guess I just need advice. I’m currently SAHM, he works a lot. He has always treated me right and spoiled me with necessities. He got me some jewelry this yr for our 4yr anniversary. Im just worried because I have always wanted to be married and he knew what I wanted when we got together. He claims he is “open minded” about marriage but it doesn’t seem like it. I don’t want to leave but Im not getting any younger either. I’m just so heartbroken and confused on how to approach it. Advice please ladies!
So he treats you well, you have an amazing relationship but you’re now debating whether to throw it all away for the sake of a piece of paper?!? 
smfh
You could always see if he’d fee more open to the idea of y’all did a prenup stating any debts incurred during the marriage would be sole responsibility of the owner in the event y’all divorced and the same for his house and money.
If he is afraid you what happens when y’all break up then he doesn’t see you as his forever. Simple as that.
Tell him that you will agree for a prenuptial agreement not to take half of his wealth away in the event you get divorced. I see your point but I also see his. In the western world, a man literally faces financial rape when a divorce occurs. Prenup…or if you can’t find a common ground, leave him and find someone with the same goal.
Check your state law on common law marriage. Depending on how long you have been living together, the state may claim you are married by common law. If this life style isn’t what you want and he isn’t wanting more, you might want to think about leaving
If he loved you enough to have a kid with you he should be willing to get married as well. Marriage should always be a goal within the relationship or else I think a relationship is useless. Finances and all in a relationship you come together as a whole.
The relationship is important NOT spending tons of money on a ceremony to get a piece of paper. My man & I refer to each other as husband and wife but aren’t legally married. We are married in the way that defines us not what society defines. It’s not like back in the old days when you had to be married to do certain things like get loans etc. it’s actually financially LESS beneficial to be married in this day & age
Men seek significance and women seek security. You are not getting what you seek. This is important. Being SAHM you have no security. He could walk out the door tomorrow and you would be screwed. I would consider that Sis. You need to think about your future. Being a SAHM doesn’t give you anything for your future. You need a job and a savings for your financial security up the road. Focus on that and when he sees that you are considering the security of YOUR future he’ll start considering wether or not you see him in it and not the other way around. You’re focused on what he won’t give you. Focus on what you can give you.
Ask yourself this… he loves you soooo much and treats you so good… but yet he is not willing to take care of you and your children (his) if something were to happen to him? (God forbid)…that might put things into perspective, because if you aren’t married and something did happen…you are left on your own…Just a thought to chew on for a moment…
Have a “wedding” call each other husband and wife, no one needs to know there is no actual marriage certificate. You’re basically living as a married couple already 
win win
your a place holder! Guys know when they want something they go for it. He doesn’t see you as his forever soulmate. Guys aren’t hard they only do what they want and currently it’s not aligned with what you want. It’s been 4 years his mind won’t change if this is something you want want then you might have to think of leaving to satisfy yourself and your life goals.
Ultimatum time! Marriage or leave! Find someone who shares your same life goals!
You’ve been together 4 yrs, he works and takes care of you and treats you great. Why throw that away for a certificate. My husband and I dated 10 yrs before we got married and the same for my brother and his wife. Just enjoy what you have and don’t rush things.
23 years and counting of not married. 2 kids, a house, a dog. I wanted it for years but have given up. We know in our hearts we are married. Don’t need a piece of paper for that.
This might piss someone off but sounds to me if he is worried about you taking half his stuff. He already knows he will do something to make you take it. Said he works a lot. Just be careful sounds like a lot of red flags. To be safe call cheaters and have him followed and that way you will know if something happen in his past to make him feel that way or if he has another reason to feel that way. But you should get a answer one way or another
He loves his money more than you! Move on
Im against marriage simply bc i had a bad divorce. I do not ever want to do that again. My man doesnt want to sign a prenup. 10 years, 2 kids. Our relationship is amazing. Ive already learned a piece of paper means diddly squat. Y make a separation harder if it happens? He got over it. We arent a common law state so all good.
Did his parents have a bad marriage? Sounds to me like that’s what he’s scared of. Just because society makes marriage a thing, does not mean we all need to get married but if you need to, then you sit down and have a conversation again where you need to know if it’ll happen because it’s a deal breaker for you, then you can move on.
I dated a guy who was divorced and he had a rough divorce at that, he didn’t want to get married again because he didn’t want “god forbid” something happen and both of us have to pay for a divorce. I wanted so badly to get married and I made that a point but I felt where he was coming from and we compromised on not legally getting married but referring to eachother as husband and wife and we wore rings and just went about our business. It made us both happy to compromise instead of making eachother unhappy because of a piece of paper.
Ask him if he is committed to a joining ceremony, you commit to one another. Say how you feel about one another.
He is afraid you may leave him is why he is worried about his house, his paycheck.
Also, ask him, if something happens to him, God forbid, he dies, how are you suppose to take care of housing, feeding, clothing the children since he is the bread winner. Do either of you have a will, life insurance, hospital directive? Because of the children, you should both be thinking about these things.
My husband was a workaholic. He didn’t believe in life insurance, or a will. I am on disability, and our kids are grown. But what if he had died when they were little. Social Security only gives $255.00 for the funeral.
Let him see this response. Ask him to think about things.
No, marriage is not for everybody. Being committed to one another doesn’t bind you forever if you don’t want it anymore. But, he should think about what if, and the life you have together.
If still will not include you on the house, take action to provide in case, then you need to move. You need security for the children to.
I believe in marriage, and for those saying I’m against it. But had been married before mam’ you aren’t against it, you did it and you didn’t like what happend🤔 my parents had a bad marriage, I helped my mother divorce my dad without even feeling any type of way. But just because they had a bad marriage didn’t mean I would, I am not my parents I decide my own life. And marriage cab be a beautiful thing, it’s not just a piece a paper, money is a piece of paper. So is the deed to the house he’s so worried about. In relationships you do compromise at some point in life, but theirs always that one thing you have to stick your guns. If you know that’s what you want, don’t compromise on something that’s going to make you unhappy. And if that’s not what he wants then he doesn’t want it! He’s told you that in many ways. It’s not fair for you to sit around waiting on something he’s never going to give you… find someone who wants what you want and is willing to give you what you need. The worst part for me is he’s saying he doesn’t want you to take this and that… or take his house. My husband purchased I home when we were dating, and even tho it’s not under my name… he still says it’s our house! Decide what it is that you want for yourself, because at the end of the day… all your kids ever want is a happy mama.
Marriage should only be entered into by 2 people dedicated and committed to each other. I am so very sorry that you got involved with someone that doesn’t value you enough to make you feel secure in your relationship. I live in British Columbia, where living together is the same as being married. After 1 year the person gets 10% until the 5th year 50%. He would have to pay child support for his child and possibly for the other 2. He might possibly have to pay spousal support as well.
Why do you so desperately need the government involved in your relationship?
Go get a job and be more independent and then talk about marriage as his equal. Marriage isn’t what makes the relationship either. Something to think about.
Domestic partnership. All the benefits no fiduciary liability
Mine was against marriage too.
I had to come to terms with it and I did.
7 years later he proposed and we’ve been married for 3 years now.
If you want to be married and he absolutely doesn’t, leave before it gets too deep. My brother was with someone for 6 years. The only thing they ever argued about was kids and marriage. She ended up leaving him cuz she couldn’t live the rest of her life without kids or getting married. If he wanted to, he would have already. Debt and money is an excuse, they make prenuptial agreements. He might be waiting to marry the women of his dreams, that probably isn’t you… time for you to move on. Lots of great men out there.
I would be very hurt as well if someone who I had invested 4 years into and have child with…basically says …I love you but…if it doesn’t work out I don’t want you (or my child) to have anything, a home, rights to finances, etc
Iam sorry but I would say bye ! You are Waste your time and life for all at one time he can pick up and leave and your heart broken be strong pick up your head and walk out of there you’ll find someone God wants for you
Speak your truth. You need to have to the hard conversations and tell him how you feel.
You dont have to get married to have a future with someone you love. However, if it’s something you feel you can’t live without most his concerns are easily fixed with a prenuptial agreement. You can agree not to take his house from him, that you wave forcing him to pay spousal support, and you can’t take anything or money that is his in the event of Divorce. If you ever get a job though I do suggest your own bank account and keeping earned income seperate. As for debts, if you have debts currently, get it squared away first. If you don’t then there isn’t much to sway that. You can see if a debt Claus can be added to the prenup. It is true that once married if either of you acquire debt it’s both of your debts. Mabe the prenuptial will tip the scale with him. If not, then you’ll have to decide if you can live with that. Unfortunately there is no middle. It’s either your way or his. I understand both sides. You can try to change his mind or decide if a marriage certificate is worth your whole relationship. Good luck.
I don’t think what you have is a healthy relationship at all. As partners it is not “MINE” it is “Ours” in a healthy relationship. I had a marriage in which he would buy me jewelry and everything I needed or wanted BUT he was very mentally abusive.
Did you know what you wanted before you got together and if so did you tell him? This is something you should have figured out 4 years ago. And now I feel like no matter who gives in it’s gonna cause so much resentment it’s going to break you up anyway
Don’t let a piece of paper define your relationship. If y’all have a healthy relationship and he treats you right. Sounds like he gives you everything you want beside marriage. Only thing marriage is going to change is your last name and y’all will have a piece of paper binding y’all together.
He doesn’t see you as a wife. Men will do anything for the partner they want.
My husband and I was together for 10 years before we got married and he came to me about finally getting married. He never made me feel like I was a “place holder” his worries were legit and I understood but like you, he always spoiled me and made me feel special to him. So maybe he just needs time for y’all to either lose some of the financial burden or gain more wealth 
I’m not saying you shouldn’t want to get married just maybe he has real worries
Sounds like he doesn’t want to be committed to you like that. I am in the same situation.
It’s only a piece of paper. If he’s not cheating leave it be. Maybe down the line he will change his mind.
My husband and I have been married for 9 years this year, we got married 3 years in to our relationship and all that has changed is my last name and title. We have both said that if we could go back we would spend that money on something that would actually benefit our future family.
The only benefit I see now is my children can never be referred to as bastards. At the end of the day marriage is a social construct that we are all taught to strive towards when all that really matters is if you have found someone who will go to the moon and back for you, respect you and love you with everything you deserve to be loved with, the rest is just noise inbetween.
I don’t think it’s fair for people to say she’s just a place holder especially if they don’t know the man’s heart, that could put more strain and negativity on this relationship.
Just sit down and have an open, honest conversation together and weigh up the pros and cons, see where he’s head is at and why also ask yourself why getting married is so important and is it important enough to potentially lose your forever. Compromise and communication is the only way forward.
Been witht the same man for 13+years. We are not married.
You love each other and are in a healthy relationship. To some the paper’s dont matter that much. Being married doeant equal more love.
If you get you pregnant he can take the plung or leave him and take half and get child support then move on with your life
All of this is just a excuse because he doesn’t want to commit!!
If you really want the marriage get a prenup, if he flys off the wall over that then you may want to find someone with similar goals.
People always change their minds. It’s really up to you if you believe a piece of paper is a deal breaker or not.
Has he never heard of a prenup?
Sign pre nup for the house and pay no house payments. If he has no other children, the house will be theirs.
If you want marriage, move on. He made it clear it’s not a goal of his. You can’t change people.
He wants his bread buttered on both sides!
Why would anyone laugh at this? So sad.
He has a point though. Many men get screwed over in marriage when something goes wrong
Your relationship is definitely not “extremely healthy”. If it don’t fit don’t force it. You’ll find someone with your same desires.
If your relationship is fine how it is u don’t need a paper to make it better
If he was planning for ya’ll to be together forever, he wouldn’t be worried about you ending up with his money & other stuff. Does he think you’re the hit & run type in the sense of if he marries you and you take off to end up with everything he worked for? Cos why else would he mention it, right?
Take your boyfriend for child support then 
A piece of paper from the government is not going to change anything; You’re already in a common-law relationship with a child together, so you have all the rights of a wife and could still go after child support and alimony…are you the beneficiary on his life insurance? I’d be making sure that you’d be taken care of if anything were to happen to him!!
NM is not a common law state. It also does not provide alimony. Do you work and do you or he have a retirement like IRA our PERA. What is he willing to provide for you and your child if you do marry and divorce? Find out what he is willing to give you then make a decision.
Buy rings, go to the courthouse and file a name change. You don’t need the marriage certificate if it freaks him out. Sign a prenup, if that’s what he needs. My niece is having hell right now because she is common law married to her ex, father of her child, abusive asshole that she desperately NEEDS away from. The state they live in is making her file for divorce and she never went through the motions of getting married to him so check that out too with your state
You have a kid together. Married or not, if you leave you’ll end up getting some of his paycheck. It’s called child support. He seems like a dumbass 
If you want marriage, break up with your boyfriend and date someone that wants marriage.
You’re a stay at home mom, he works and provides for you and your family. You share a home together and you’re willing to lose that because he doesn’t want marriage? You want what you want but think about if it’s really that important to you and why. You were willing to settle down with this man and have children without marriage so why now?
A prenup… would solve all this. But he isn’t ready to be grown about the situation.
If you knew from beginning then you knew, if he changed up on you then says not fair.
If you’re together and happy, why the need to get married? What do you feel is better if you were married?
Leave him. He is committed to a relationship. Wants his cake & eat it too
There’s an old saying that applies to your bf thoughts “WHY BUY THE COW WHEN THE MILK IS FREE”.
What lovely people these are. Should be removed.
Offer to do prenuptial agreement.
If he knew when you guys first got together and didn’t mention having a problem with it then but now he does brings up red flags for me Especially, when your have a child together and been together for this long its had to come up more then just this time I would believe. If you voiced what you wanted in the beginning he lead you on to believe that was what he wanted too. I’d give him the options of you guys can get a prenuptial agreement and get married or no prenup with marriage or leaving. If his only concern is about tangible items that can be replaced other than you and his child then another red flag… I guess some don’t understand that most of us have had dreams of being married and settled down and others don’t and that’s okay but, with reasonable expectations and agreements. The trouble is, cohabitating is saying “I don’t have enough faith in this relationship or take it seriously enough to commit to it in full, but this is fine for now.” You’re communicating to the other person that you’re willing to risk hurting them — which is rather insulting! It’s having one foot in the door and one foot out. There are no solid boundaries around the relationship, and each person is free to leave at any time.
Also, money is a piece of paper but, you don’t see anyone putting it in the trash. So it ultimately is on whatever you decide and how you feel especially if he is not into agreement on anything you suggest.
If you want marriage run from him eventually he will want to be married or not right now he doesn’t. He just wants his own independence. Your future husband will come the one who wants what you want, and will love and appreciate you for who you are. He won’t come until you release yourself from the one your with. You deserve marriage if you want. May you get your hearts desire.
Just do a symbolic wedding 
Maybe bring up a prenuptial aggrement??
Maybe he has some big debts he’s trying to clear and would feel bad if anything happened and you was left with his debt. Marriage isn’t the be all and end all, your basically married without the paper. If you want a wedding have one do vows and do your own paper to sign 
win win xx