My boyfriend of now 4yrs seems to be very against marriage. He claims only because he doesn’t want our debts to bind together, which I understand. He also says he doesn’t want me to end up with his house or half his paycheck, etc.
Its a very touchy subject because we have 1 child together, and I have 2 from a previous marriage. Our relationship is extremely healthy, except for when we talk about marriage. It literally rips my heart out and I don’t think it’s fair to either one of us. I guess I just need advice. I’m currently SAHM, he works a lot. He has always treated me right and spoiled me with necessities. He got me some jewelry this yr for our 4yr anniversary. Im just worried because I have always wanted to be married and he knew what I wanted when we got together. He claims he is “open minded” about marriage but it doesn’t seem like it. I don’t want to leave but Im not getting any younger either. I’m just so heartbroken and confused on how to approach it. Advice please ladies!
I’m against marriage myself. My significant other and I have been together for 10 years, I think that’s enough commitment. No need to get the government involved. We bought rings and exchanged our vows without a license, that made it binding enough for us.
You will not like this but: he doesn’t believe in marriage with YOU. You are on an extended lay-buy with no security when things go south. Get yourself a job and start putting money away so that you can live your dream and not sit around and wait for a man to commit PS I am talking out of experience and a place of love and support for another woman who finds herself in this position. I was a fool for 10 years waiting for a boy to become a man
Marriage isn’t for everyone- why don’t you respect that and be happy with your healthy relationship? Just because you think it’s ideal doesn’t mean it actually is in his mind.
Be very against premarital sex. 
Tell him if he’s honestly worried about you taking half his shit if you divorce, then he needs to get a prenup. That way you divide your stuff before you’re even married.
Umm why is he worried about you taking half his stuff? That’s a red flag to me. Besides you would be de facto anyway where I am from, but not wanting to get married is one thing, not wanting to get married because he doesn’t want to give you half his paycheck and half his house is a bit weird. Considering you are the mother of his child too.
My partner always said he was against marriage and kids since the day we got together. Now just over 3 years later and we have a beautiful daughter together and I have his name. Not through marriage but through deed poll. That was the perfect in-between where I got his name and he wasn’t ‘tied down’ with marriage, and it was a damn sight cheaper! I always dreamt of a beautiful wedding but now I’m just happy we are together and blessed with our daughter. Things do change as do people’s minds. If you love him and you are happy you need to really ask yourself if not getting married is worth loosing him and what you have. I’ve come to terms with the fact I probably will never be a wife but part of me is still clinging onto a small speck of hope that his mind will change. I nearly married the wrong guy so now I would rather be with the right person and be happy than married to Mr wrong 
Have you heard the term “gas lighting”? He is lying.
You know where he stands…you accept or leave.
it sounds like he is worried about loosing items instead of keeping you. I’d have to look for other options. Marriage does make it a little more difficult to leave. maybe that is what he wants.
He loves you. He provides for you. He spoiles you. I think you have an amazing man. Let it go. Enjoy and love what is right in front of you. A legal document doesn’t make a relationship last. Love does. And you have that.
There are prenuptial agreements for this reason. If those are his beliefs then sign a prenup. Looking into this though if your a SAHM now and it doesn’t work out for you then you will have gaps in your resume’ and less experience in the workplace. If you guys don’t stay together you’re gonna be in a tough spot with your kids too. I don’t think a nice piece of jewelery is considered spoiling at all. It’s scary having only one person in the household in charge of all finances without some sort of legal agreement especially when you’re taking care of a shared child. He wants his money and his house in case something happens so he’s set, but what about you and the kids? What do you get? Nothing? Is he concerned about those things or have a specific account with your name on it? Doubt it. Idk the choice is yours, but in my mind it would be a no go.
You are with someone that does not feel the same way you do. It’s “ripping your heart out” and he’s perfectly at peace & satisfied with his decision. Work on SELF-LOVE & SELF-RESPECT…until you possess that, you can’t make the best choices FOR YOURSELF. Good luck!
Legal marriage is so unnecessary imo, so… from my POV, you’re not gonna get what you want so find someone who wants what you do.
You say he knew what you wanted when you go together but did you know what he wanted? You can’t force him if he doesn’t want to get married. Maybe you aren’t the one for him and he’s just content with you as his girlfriend but not his wife.
Why the fuck do you have to be married, it makes zero difference except for a title
Marriage is nothing but a piece of paper stating that the two of you would rather spend a shit ton of money to prove you love each other rather than just loving each other unconditionally
I’m sorry but some men are into the whole stay at home situation but it sound like your man isn’t, some men actually want a woman who can help out a little financially. It sounds to me like she only think because they have 1 child together and they been together for 4 years he has to marry her. He don’t owe you anything. Children don’t make a relationship. It’s 2021. And your asking what should you do. You have 2 other kids from 1 failed marriage. The problem is YOU. Get off your butt and gain a little independence. It’s nothing but tough love
The fact that you arguing to leave only for a marriage I don’t think it’s a good mentality, if he has to be open minded about getting married you should be open minded about not getting married… I don’t understand why marriage is so important for y’all. I prefer to be just loved and treated well with respect and passion, idc about everything else
Being a SAHM to a partner without the protections of marriage is a bad idea.
Get a job and pay off your debt, prove to him you can be reliable and not just another bill he has to take care of 
and by year 2 you should of been figured this out. Best of luck
Ask him who he wants to fly in the helicopter if something tragic happened. You or his parents because without that piece of paper, you have no say in what happens to him snd vice versa. You could offer a prenup and really any debt you have before marriage is still separate really unless you default then they may try to contact him but from personal experience it’s unlikely.
I’d talk to him more. Maybe you need to be financially independant and pay down some debts. Maybe also a prenup. Talk thru the details
Break up with him and in 3 months he’ll actually marry someone else!
IN MY OPINION … there are a lot of legal ramifications to being married as you age, or if one gets ill and needs to be in a long-term care facility. I am personally beginning to wonder if the legal contract is really worth it financially.
Depending on where you live, you might already be considered “married.”
When you get with someone…you need to discuss these things…this is very important to you…I don’t no wat to tell you…think about it…it sounds like he’s getting his way…you need to be protected if something happens…he don’t want you to have his name…but I wouldn’t marry him now for nothing in the world…I might would get your on place…
Do you want a wedding or a marriage? If your relationship is great & he treats your right then what’s the problem? Where’s the argument? If you threaten to leave unless he proposes then you’re a manipulative person.
Divorce is significantly more expensive than getting married and perhaps with the ‘throwaway’ culture of today he doesn’t want to risk that and I don’t blame him! Especially if he has been supporting you financially as a SAHM, if the marriage ended he would be hit with the crazy spousal support system(I’m assuming you’re from the US?)
I would never get married personally. I don’t care how healthy the relationship is. If one of us decides to leave, I’ll be damned if I have to get the courts involved to do so. It’s buh-bye, and that’s it.
Did you know how he felt about marriage when you got together? Or did you think you could change his mind?
Iv always wanted to get married but my partner has never wanted to get married, we’ve been together now 11 years and I still hope one day he’ll change his mind but iv always known his views on it so I have also comes to term with that it’ll probably never happen aha, however we have a beautiful family, of 3 daughters and I wouldn’t change it 
Get a job,become-more independent,and if that doesn’t scare him, walk away. You deserve better
He “doesn’t want you to end up with his house or half his paycheck”
. As his partner and a SAHM don’t you feel like you’re entitled to share those things with him? Marriage is more than a piece of paper, it’s a union of all things. I’d be concerned that he doesn’t want to share all of his life with you (including money and property). It also protects you financially as someone that’s not working. I am also a SAHM and if we weren’t married and our relationship ended I would be screwed! No home, money etc. The laws of marriage would entitle me to half of OUR home and assets even though I didn’t technically purchase them with money I earned at a job. Marriage may not be for everyone, and that’s great if both people are on the same page, but that’s not the case. His reasoning would concern me personally, and I’d definitely have a serious conversation.
No one mentioned God he’s the one that has the final say where you go to heaven or hell read your Bible see what it says about marriage
Nobody buys the cow if they get the milk for free and your giving him the milk for free , that’s how that child got here
You can’t force someone to marry you. You can either accept it or move on with your life. By him saying he doesn’t want you to take half of this and that means he is already thinking this relationship will lead into divorce. I had told mine that 3 years is the limit. If I waited longer then I know he would never do it because they get too comfortable. I have heard of others just getting married because it’s the “right thing to do” and I can say those come with issues as well.
Honestly, marriage is overrated. It’s literally just a piece of paper. I used to feel exactly the same way, my husband doesn’t believe in “official” marriage and being bound by a piece of paper. We’ve been together long enough, our relationship is healthy and under Common Law Marriage laws, we are considered married and that’s enough for us now. There’s literally no difference between how we live now and how we would live if we had a marriage certificate. He’s still my husband and nothing at all would change with that piece of paper. I promise it’s not worth stressing over.
Let me give you a reality check, you are already playing the role of his wife. Why should he marry you? But you get no benefits as a wife if he dies, leaving you with the children to care for. Get a job. Listen, a man can walk away with only the clothes on his back and disappear forever, if he choses to do so, married or not. Get a prenuptial agreement. I know of a man who left to go to the store, and never came back home. That was 74 years ago. Don’t be his bedroom partner, while ignoring your future needs. Life is uncertain. Cover your bases.
There’s always an “in the eyes of God” kind of marriage. You do the whole ceremony & reception, just don’t sign the marriage license 
And you can pay to get your last name changed. There’s no ties, but you come off as a married couple and spiritually you are “married”. I got divorced and decided this will be my approach if I ever decide to get married again.
Tell him you will sign a prenup. Also guys that say that always bounce and marry someone else
Why is it so important that you get married, if your relationship is healthy and neither one is cheating, and you have been together for 4 years, me personally would just keep going the way it is
Start putting money away … so that you are secure if something happens… his comment about the paycheck would worry me… so start saving in an account WITH JUST YOUR NAME . Be smart
If marriage is important to you then perhaps you could tell him you’re willing to sign a prenup. To my understanding, if you’ve lived together for over a certain amount of time, your assets are automatically shared?
If it’s that important to you, you need to find someone else. Not everyone wants to get married, and that is alright! He clearly doesn’t. You don’t have to be married to have a relationship, be with the one you love, etc. You can’t make him, just like he doesn’t have to. However, if he treats you good and the relationship is great, I would hate to see you lose something good just because he won’t marry you. You don’t have to be, but if your dead set on it, you need to find someone else. Hopefully they will be just as good as him.
Marriage is just a piece of paper if you’re relationship is going as good as you say why worry about a piece of paper? Depending on what state you live in common law is 7 years together the government sees you as married anyway. No use ruining what you have just cuz there isn’t a piece of paper saying your married.
Love the one your with why do you HAVE to be married … your already doing life together
De facto has basically the same rights as marriage. I don’t know what he’s thinking.
marriage is a piece of paper. you guys are happy and healthy why question his love for you if he doesn’t want to get married? I’ve been with my boyfriend for 16 years and we both have rings and consider us married but we’re not. we have 2 beautiful children and we are just happy with the way things are
3 more years you become common law wife, so what is the difference? Your debts become mingled then.
If he was to pass on, is there any financial protection for you? True love is when someone thinks to protect you after they are gone. That is real caring.
If he’s only worried about the money aspect, offer him a prenup. As the father of your child he’s bound to legal obligations, marriage or no marriage, so offer him the prenup and see what his response is. But if I were you I’d have a backup plan. If you don’t already have it, get an education and a savings plan. SAHM doesn’t pay well if he decides to leave.
You can always call yourself husband and wife and have a commitment ceremony where there is no legal binding. I gather it isn’t the commitment he’s against, just the legality of marriage. You can have a ceremony without legally binding you two.
I dated a great guy for 8 years…we finally decided to make it legal and before God. Two days later we separated…two months later we divorced. I assumed we would grow old and die together. Apparently he didn’t want to commit to only me. Its gonna hurt , but its time to go. 
Get a prenup, everyone says that a prenup is Setting up a marriage for failure but that’s not true plenty of marriages fail without a prenup. And I say it’s always better to be in control of your own destiny versus letting the courts decide what happens after a divorce. I think marriages fail because people go into them thinking that they won’t fail and with that mentality they do whatever they want during the marriage because they assume their partner won’t divorce them. and a prenup is a way for BOTH parties to assure They protect what they’ve worked for before the marriage. A prenup is nothing more than insurance just like you would get on your car or your life. If you love that man sign a prenup and he’s more than likely to change his mind just make sure you protect your assets as well within the prenup
Just get a prenup? Your two kids don’t really with this marriage unless he adopts them so if you do divorce he really would just have to worry about paying for the one you do have because Washington favors the mother for primary custody.
I mean I never understood committing to raising a child together but refusing marriage because its too much of a commitment,. You can get out of a marriage but not being a parent wether that’s financially or physically being there to raise the child. But if he sees the money thing as a reason to not get married then suggest a prenup so his assets are protected and he’s not burdened with debt that isn’t his if things don’t work out. But just let him know that in such circumstances you’ll end up with something regardless of marriage in the form of child support. If he still don’t wanna get married after that suggestion then I’d reavaluate what really matters. Whether or not you can live without being married to him within the relationship or if its best to cut your losses there
He is actually being very intelligent. Of the nearly 1,000,000 divorces filed every year, nearly 800,00 are filed by women. This is a fact. Courts are highly unfair against men. Why would he do something intentionally that he has an 80% on ruining him fir life. Men everywhere are waking up and seeing legal marriage for the scam that it is. If you must get the government involved in your otherwise great and happy life together, then be willing to sign a prenuptial agreement.
I was with my child’s father for 6 years. He was married before and after his divorce, he swore of marriage. At least, that’s what he said. After we broke up, he meet someone and 4 months later, they got married. Take what you want from that.
All I’ll say is, just know in the event that something unfortunate happens, health or death related, you have no say, no rights, you can take no legal action, only his family, children, parents, because the hospitals won’t look at you as a wife, just a girlfriend, and that’s not enough to make legal decisions. So if you’re OK not getting anything in the end other than a child, a title and time, then keep it how it is. And this goes both ways.
Well, guess that tells you how much he is willing to invest in you, your security and welfare should something happen to him, God forbid. Leave.
Uhm he doesn’t want you to have his house and half his paycheck? He must have marriage confused with divorce. I would try couples counselling to find out the reason behind his thought process.
Short answer: leave the man.
A man that thinks like that sees no positive future with you.
For as much as you believe it is a healthy relationship. I think it’s time for you to realize that this man needs to grow up. He should know that in every relationship, marriage is the expectation. Not have kids with a woman you don’t even wanna marry. What kinda immature bs is that?
The only advantage would be bring beneficiary of his estate, he could that without being married. Same eith life insurance that protects you and kids. You however are not taking of your future with SS nor own funds. Come up with a plan together to Look out for each other as you get older. If anything happens to him you will not receive survivor benefits. Sounds far away but time sneaks up on you
There’s is ZERO benefits for a man to marry a woman in today’s society. Marriage only works for the woman in the end
What part about the marriage are you actually interested in? Break it down and study the parts you like and do not like. Explain it to him in a way where he too could see the benefits. A marriage is a legal contract, it takes away from love in my opinion. If it’s the big wedding and the ring and the whole Shazam then do that without the legal binding ?
If he’s worried about it get a prenuptial agreement.
It is crazy to me that people are willing to leave a healthy happy relationship over a piece of paper for the government. Is it a wedding you want ?? Have one. His last name ? Change yours. Don’t leave a good man because of a piece of paper.
Love isnt defined by marriage.
I was married to my “highschool sweetheart” for 6 years. Ended in divorce. I learned the hard way that it will not stop them from lying, cheating, or doing drugs.
My current boyfriend of 4 years also had the same situation, he lost well over half of everything he worked so hard to obtain in their marriage. We’ve come to the agreement- we won’t ever get married, but instead some day maybe a commitment ceremony, it’s a win win for both of us. We can be committed and celebrate with people in our lives, and not have to involve the government. Also, if I ever so choose to, I could just change my last name to match his (my oldest son has my last name, and I’d feel uncomfortable to “take that away from him”) but, there are options.
My boyfriend of 11 years isn’t one to be married either. He thinks its just a peice of paper… which it basically is. It used to bother me but doesn’t anymore. The only thing that really ever bothered me was not having the same last name as my kids… we have 3 together. If he makes you happy and is great to you, then I think you should try to think on where he comes from as well. Maybe you guys could have some kind of compromise. Good luck to you and your relationship!
If he’s worried you’ll get his stuff, remind him that these days you could still do that. It’s called palimony or domestic partnership and once you’ve been together 7 years (or less in some states) you’re considered legally married under common law. If YOU are worried he isn’t committed to the relationship, look around at your child and your home. I lost someone I loved dearly after 8 years because I was the one who wanted a legal arrangement, just like you. Maybe couples counseling to get at exactly what has you both holding the marriage thing so tightly?
If you have a healthy relationship and he spoils you, you shouldn’t leave just because he won’t sign a life-long contract with you. Marriage is not the most important thing in life.
Doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship if he’s so worried about you being a financial burden and taking half his stuff. Sounds like he doesn’t trust you.
I don’t know about common law in your state you guys are already married what’s his is yours and what’s yours is his I think you got a pretty good thing going you don’t need to legally get married but as far as leaving you the house that should be a priority to make sure you and your child has a place to go after he’s gone
I had one like that stringing me along talking about marriage -
“if I ask you to marry me would you ? he said “ (he said ) and then one day he said “why do we need to get married, it’s just a piece of paper “
He was using it as an excuse………then guess what I left and I found someone who appreciates me enough to honor me with marriage, we have 8 children
Been married 30 years and Happy
So you’re a SAHM for his child, but he’s worried you’ll be entitled to some of his earnings one day? Protect yourself, because if that relationship falls apart and you don’t have any financial security (or recent work experience), he benefits from everything, including having had free childcare and housekeeping for the past 4 years.
You will not qualify for social security spousal benefits unless you have been legally married for 10 years or more. Being a SAHM means that you aren’t contributing to your own SS retirement benefit.
My partner of 4 and a half years doesn’t want to get married either and to be totally honest it literally breaks my heart , BUT I’m not going to leave him or what we have in search for a man to marry as yes I could find one but I doubt I’d be as happy or as this much in love
You’ve got a child together, but he doesn’t want to marry you? Seems a bit backwards. A child lasts longer than an ex wife…
I don’t know where you live but in Canada after living together for 6mths(?) You are legally commom-law… which in the Courts eye is as good as married. You do not have to be “married” to get half of everything you acquired together from that 6mth point and beyond!
He thinks why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free. If he doesn’t marry you, then talk to a legal advisor about how long do you have to stay together and both of your stuff, debt, home, will be considered as one. I think after 7 years you’re common law married but it varies state by state
If he is worried about you getting half the house or his paycheck, he is forecasting your separation as a couple. Your relationship isn’t “extremely healthy”, especially considering the next sentence you wrote “it rips my heart out.”
As a guy reading this I agree with the man is saying. Why do we have to be married if everything is working out? Men usually always end up with the short end of the stick in a divorce (especially if she’s a SAHM). Enjoy the relationship as it is and smile knowing you are waking up to the person you love!
Marriage is just letting state and whoever get some of your money… marriage is a business deal based on emotions, not a good idea… sounds like you have a good guy, and no one 8s perfect… a piece of paper won’t make either one of you stay if you want out…
“from previous marriage” you have been married it didn’t work out, making him do something he isn’t ready for isn’t compromise just be happy it’s healthy
He can get a prenuptial agreement…
Offer a prenup and separate finances and see what he says. If he says no, then it’s time to move on because those were not his real reasons.
You have a great relationship with a man that takes care of you and all of your children and you need advice on what??? Marriage isn’t for everyone. You sound foolish for even asking to be honest.
Heres the issue with this if you are not married and he does leave you and youv been a SAHM it will screw you to the point you can end up in the streets . If you are married and he leaves you he will have to pay spousal support . If he is not going to marry you then you need a prenup or a contract to protect you ! It does not matter how much he gives you during what matters is if he leaves you as of know you have no rights to anything . He could even fight to get your kid Becouse you have no income iv seen it happen .
My boyfriend is against marriage, but he’s open minded about it but he was engaged when he was a teenager and we were engaged but separated for awhile, when we got back together we started as boyfriend and girlfriend which sucked. Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t want to with me because he was engaged already before so why not me? What’s wrong with me 
? I feel like he doesn’t see us lasting, which hurts a lot or wants to see his other options . would be nice to be engaged again and down the road married. Like he said he wants to do the proposal right this time but it’s coming but I feel like it’s just a way to get “out of asking” . We also have a baby together
You can be life partners. You don’t have to be married. It’s literally just a money scheme and a religious ceremony so your grandparents wouldn’t look down on you and it costs so much money to divorce someone. You should be able to leave and move on when you want and not have to be legally separated by the government all because of a piece of paper and title. It’s a mind set. That paper and title won’t change your relationship physically. It’s all mental.
It sounds like it’s time to go honey, you want marriage and he doesn’t, find someone who’ll offer you the security you feel you need
Ask him his views on having an open relationship. Maybe getting a “third” involved could spice things up.
Perhaps he is gender confused and is not sure what role to play in life. This is more common than you would think. Try having an open discussion with his parents on this subject might be another option.
Have you checked his phone to see if he’s “playing the field”… not always recommended but it might be fun.
I hope this helps.
Sounds like you both want different things. You have to decide what your absolute must haves are and make the painful decision on whether to continue the relationship or not. I’ve taught my daughter’s not to beg someone for what they think they deserve. If the other person has a problem doing it then consider walking away. When it comes to love it’s hard to convince someone to do what their heart doesn’t want to do.
If everything was equal, I might agree with him. However you are working for him, his home, and his child for no pay. If after 5, 10, 15, 20 years he decides to break up or he dies you will have absolutely nothing but memories. Protect yourself and your child.
Get a prenuptial agreement and then get married. Me and my boyfriend absolutely ADORE each other and want to get married as soon as we’re financially stable, and we’re still planning on doing a prenup before getting married. It’s just the smart thing to do, we don’t know in what financial troubles we might get into in the future, and we don’t want to bring the other down with us. Prenups aren’t a bad thing or a warning that the marriage is going to fail or whatever. It’s just a precaution.
Sounds like he’s had a bad experience or example. My nephew says he will never marry. His parents divorced and I think that’s his motivation. His partner would love to marry but knows (now) that he’ll probably not change his mind. No kids; together 15+ years.
In the case of terrible accidents. a spouse can become a medical surrogate to ensure their partner’s wishes are honored. If the spouse does not step up, anyone can become the surrogate and pull the plug.
I live in Florida and am still fighting for my spouse. All of his blood relatives, that had the rights to govern his care, wanted me to withhold treatment and let him pass, I intervened and now 7 months later, he is doing well.
We would have lost everything if we were just living together. House, car, etc. I had rights because of joint property ownership, under job benefits, life, medical, short term, long term, I was able to speak for him after third party permission was filed.
Listen to what he’s telling you instead of trying to change his mind.
Get some examples of prenups and he may feel more secure. If he knows you won’t take him to the cleaners if things don’t work out, he may relax.