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QUESTION:
"I’ve been with my boyfriend for about two years and he moved in about eight months ago. He’s very close with his family which is great, but he feels that he needs to visit them nearly every day for hours at a time and that if he doesn’t do this he feels he’s hurting them and feels extremely guilty. He is definitely a bit of a mama’s boy, But at this point being that he’s a 35-year-old man and we’re starting our life together, wouldn’t it be more reasonable if he cut the visits down with his mother to a couple times a week? I have a son from a previous marriage and my boyfriend wants to be there for him as well, but if he’s spending three plus hours every day at his moms house, I feel like that cuts into our time as a couple and with my son/his stepson. His mother doesn’t have any significant health issues so it’s not like he needs to be there every day to help with things like that. I’ve talked with him about needing to put our time together as priority, but it’s still perfectly OK with me that he spends time with his family and visits, but I think every day or more than a couple times a week is a bit much if we’re starting our own life together. When I talked to him about this before, he said that this is normal for him and that if he reduces the amount of times he visits his mom, he’s going to be resentful. I don’t have any family at all in the city that we live in, so he is my family and I’m trying to connect with his family as well, but as a person who is not really used to such strong family ties this is kind of difficult for me to get used to, but I’m trying really hard. I want him to be happy but I also want him to make our new family priority. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that he should reduce the visits with his mother? He’s a really great guy and does so much for me and my son, and I don’t want to make him feel forced or resentful. He’s also talked about wanting to marry me, so he’s all in, but this issue is bothering me. I get along with his family fine, but as a couple and with him now living with me, I feel like the majority of the time when he’s not working, he should be here at home. I’m not saying I want to dominate his life or not let him have friends or not let him see is people - he can do those things! It’s healthy to have connections outside of a relationship I agree 100%. I don’t come from such a close knit family at all, so it’s confusing to me and I’m not sure if I’m being overly concerned or not. What are your opinions on this? Should I be so concerned about it or should I just let it go? He’s there love of my life and I don’t want how I feel to hurt him or our relationship."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"I’m extremely close with my family. I still visit them 5/6 days a week and my husband wasn’t ever very close with his family and he started coming with me for visits and now he LOVES going over to my parents as much as I go! If his family is welcoming, I think you and your son should join him on some of his visits. But if they’re not very welcoming towards you guys, then it’s definitely worth a conversation with him"
"And how would you feel if your kid’s gf said the same about the time your kid spent with you? It’s good to have connections. It’s unhealthy if he feels guilt for taking his own time for his own self."
"That’s probably your future if you stay with him"
"this is his family, Maybe something serious is going on with one of them & he just wants to spend as much time with them, now, before it’s too late"
"If you love him, get to know his family. I’m sure they will love you and your son. He is a family man! Which is a wonderful thing"
"Accept him where he is at. Do not try to change him. If you cannot accept it, move on."
"Go with, encourage bonding with your son there"
"Yes you’re being unreasonable. Coming between your partner and their family is much bigger red flag then him being a mommas boy."
"Yeah, let this one go. Some people are just really close with their family. It’s not a bad thing. Join him a couple times a week and enjoy it. He’ll probably be happy having everyone under the same roof those couple of times too."
"Look up “emeshment” and see if that’s something you can live with."
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