I am at my wits end with me daughter…she cannot seem to keep her hands to herself while she is at school…she started kinder a week ago and she has scratched, slapped and tried to bite a little boy…idk what is going on and idk what steps to take to get her to stop being so mean…she is an only child and hasnt spent much time around other kids…i feel like i have failed as a mother…
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My child cannot keep her hands to herself at school: Advice?
Following. My daughter is constantly being attacked like this by my friend’s son and we don’t know how to get him to stop. So I’m hoping there’s some good advice in here to help us figure out how to deal with him. They’re both 2.
Is she targeting the same child or is it any/all other children? The only suggestion I have is continue to work on it at home and do your best to help her interact and socialize with other kids where you can be there to monitor her.
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I would speak with the school about what disciplinary actions they would recommend at home to back the school actions. And have daily talks. NOT agreeing with your failing parent remark, but from the teacher standpoint this is a common reason pre-k is recommended for socialization purposes.
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Show her more demonstrative love.
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Need to ask. What is her reason???
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Get her around more kids her age being a only child her social skills are not there
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You have not failed. As parents we come up against new obstacles daily. This is a new one for both of you. Talk to her and ask her why she is doing that. Also speak to her about consequences AND INSENSITIVES. Praise her when she makes it through the day without being mean and have her pick out stickers or treats she would like to share with her new friend (the boy). Also remind her that we don’t hurt our friends. Remind her to be gentle.
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She will learn fast if she learns social cues from other kids and if she gets separated or disciplined in front of the other kids. She won’t like the negative attention and when other kids refuse to play with her because of her bad behavior
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My mom solution to me being “slap happy” which is what she called it. Was me sitting on my hands. I don’t remember how long I remember I stopped tho I noticed it with my oldest last year with his little brother I made him sit on his hands like 15 min he has since not done it as often.
You can start her in behavioral therapy
Try talking with her teacher about letting her bring some sensory toys or something to school. My twins can’t keep their hands to themselves somedays and it’s mainly due to them having adhd/sensory issues. Chew necklaces and bracelets help them refocus sometimes. Also talk to her pediatrician and set up a behavioral plan and evaluation just in case she might have adhd or something.
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Spanking a child is not a bad thing to do……and don’t say it’s abuse because it’s not
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Does someone put their hands on her and u are aware or unaware ?
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Start with meetings with her teacher and pediatrician ASAP.
Look into the reasons why she is doing it.
She may not like people in her space, maybe she doesn’t know how to tell others when she has had enough and resorts to the hitting to convey both her point and her emotion behind the cause.
Just an example. Tons of reason why, but inorder to replace it with an appropriate behavior one must first understand the cause.
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Contact a physiatrist for an eval. It might be ADHD or she may be bored in school & frustrated. Possibly she’s being bullied by the very kids she’s hurting. Teachers look the other way when bullies are involved. They’ll punish the child who retaliating because their parent usually reacts in a way they like (punishing the child).
Google social stories for keeping hands to yourself
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That’s why kids should go to preschool and playgroups…my friends son bit once she bit him back…just hard enough to show him that it hurts never had another problem!!! Your not failing as a mother…Maybe more park trips before the weather gets to chilly
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How old is she ? Stick to your guns with having kind hands … the teachers will intervene hopefully it’s just abit of a pecking order thing she will calm down with knowing it’s not going to get her anywhere could it be with this boy it’s a clash of personality’s or like it with others too? … not failed as a mother talk with her teachers and ask for advice as if you are all using the same consequences and praises it may help her understand x
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It’s a coping mechanism. It’s her trying to find her way in Kinder. She is only a child and she is figuring out what social cues are OK and what is not. It’s perfectly normal. It’s a new environment, new people and new rules. It will settle down over time. I see it all the time.
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My son was the same way. He is now 11 and diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety and ODD .see a psychiatrist. His was all related to impulse control! Hugs mama!
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You’ve only failed if you decide not to take action to correct her behavior
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It’s a natural reflex… it will pass… Maybe start by not calling her mean…
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Whats the other kid doing first 
im sure theres more to it.
Being an only child is a bs excuse, i didnt carry on like that.
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Well if theres any spanking going on stop doing it and try to get her more involved with kids such as going out to the park or something try chucke cheese make her a little more social
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Also positive reenforcement is good when shes nice praise her tell her you love all the sweet things she does
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Get her evaluated for sensory issues. She may be over stimulated
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My kid is an only child and only did this when provoked. Tell them to watch the boy closely to determine what initiates her behaviors.
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If she’s not used to being around other kids or could be a “you’re in my space” thing, an “I want what you have” thing, she could be bored, or even just learning boundaries herself. I’d set up a meeting and talk with her teacher to see if she can shed some light on the cause. You’re not failing - hugs
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Go to playgrounds every day until it stops or until you can see that it’s only that boy. Socialize her infront of you
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Has she ever been taught or shown how to regulate her emotions and behavior? How is her communication?
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Nothing like Facebook parenting advice
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My kid was like this due to the absñnce of his father i have had a lot of phycological educators and asked all the questions hun inbox me and ill help you out it gets really frustrating dont doubt yourself as a parent because it takes a village to raise a child 
im here
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Megan Duke your not the only one.
My son has the same issues and he’s 7. Took years on a waiting list through the pandemic but he’s now in occupational therapy 2x/week and speech therapy 2x/week. We’re making progress but he already got ISS for punching a kid in a for square game for taking the ball from him and it’s only 2 weeks into school. I’m struggling to get him a real diagnosis but he has an IEP for behavioral issues at school. I’m also at my wits end and not sure what else to do. Just praying something just clicks at some point.
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She might be over stimulated if she hasn’t spent much time around other kids.
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My son had these issues in the beginning. I’m gonna be honest. When he hurt someone, he got spanked for it. He’s 8 now and is the sweetest most loving kid you could hope for. You can spank a child without being abusive.
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Being an only kid isn’t an excuse. You cam still try teach everything to one kid just like you teach 2+.
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Spare the rod spoil the child
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When she gets slapped,scratched and bitten! She’ll learn not to do that! Sounds cruel but it does work!
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If you haven’t hit her in any way (and that’s not where she learned it from) then she learned it from another kid at school. Have a parent teacher conference to see what’s going on in the class and talk to your child as well
Pay attention to what you are feeding your child. Also what they are drinking ! NO RED DYES AT ALL ! …Sugar ? Feed as much Natural Food as Possible… Cut out ALL FAST FOOD…
You will see a DRAMATIC Change !
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Is it the same kid? If so maybe the other chold is the problem
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My son is doing the same. But he has siblings. I’ve tried everything I can think of. To get him to understand. He’s doing it to same kid according to him. It hurts my heart because I know the child’s parents are upset as they have every right to be. You are not alone. I contacted the school therapist and I go Tuesday to sign papers for him to be evaluated. His reason was the kids didn’t want to talk or listen to him. But either way they shouldn’t be doing it. My other kids have never bit, kicked, or done the things my youngest son is doing. Also wanted to add that my son does see and play with other kids. We go to the park and other events and he plays with kids fine. No trouble. And he went to Head start prior. It might just be stress where the environment and rules may be different.
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Ask the school for an evaluation and support services.
It could be anything from adhd, emotional or behavioral issues, another kid picking on her (they only see her response), etc
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If it’s the same child on different occasions he might be antagonizing her. Request a parent teacher meeting with the other child’s family. You can also look into a behavioral therapist or play therapy to help her with expressing her emotions in times of stress.
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the same happened to me with my son (ONLY CHILD), so after I tried a few different things, the teacher asked me to bring my son in, with only his teacher, me and him. We talked to him for awhile to try and find the problem, his answer was Mom, you know kids get on my nerves!! I had a hard time getting him to go to school. All of a sudden he came home happy with school!! until his teacher called to ask me why he didn’t go to class all week. He was skipping school!! I worked night shift, so he would leave for school, knowing I would be sleeping, then come in the house and go to his room. When I got up, he told me what a great day he had in school! I hope you have better luck then I did~~
Couple things. She probably doesnt know how to express herself yet.
It probably is because going to school is scary.
Lots of young kids act that way as part of their development.
Continue to talk to her and if they havent explained to you the events around the times she behaved this way then id inquire. Most kids dont just go out of their way to act that way. Its a need isnt being met or a boundry was crossed.
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My nephew is 3 does the same thing is better now that he’s been living with me and playing with my kids
You mean you didn’t put her in pre school. So she hasn’t had socializing with other children. Which is very much needed . My daughter was a only child and my granddaughter a only child . My granddaughter had pre School my daughter had kids her age living next door . M
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Just know , she may do that to the wrong kid . One kid will stand up for themselves and give her hands. Don’t be upsetty spaghetti when it happens .
She sounds super violent, and you need to intervene when you get reports . Take the things she likes most away . Ground her to her room . Also make sure she knows why she is in trouble.
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It could be sensory issues.
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I may get some hate for this…but what are you doing to discipline her for this behavior? Its not always the other kid but YOURS.
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Stop spoiling her. Only children can be disciplined. Sounds like she just needs some good old discipline.
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It’s only been a week and she’s only in kinder. If she hasn’t spent much time around other kids it’s goi g to take more than a week for her to work out what’s allowed and what’s not. Until the teacher voices concern to you I wouldn’t worry about it
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Awe. A covid kid. Get professional help now or pull her out of school and send her to pre-school.
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Did you never put the child in PRESCHOOL?
PLAYGROUPS?
TODDLER CLASSES OF ANY SORT ?
Exactly what did you do to prepare her?
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If she hasnt been around other children, she is behind in social skills…she will learn with time. Get her around other kids with you next to her to correct/redirect/remove to try to help her learn. She is also young and processing emotions is tough, talk her through her feelings…there really is no one certain way bc we are each individuals(I also say this as a mother of a then tiny 18 month old who pushed the kid who took her toy on the ground, got on top of him and started to choke him… I did have to keep a close eye on her and be sure was in arms reach)
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Talk to the teacher about getting some fidgets to keep her hands full and busy. Also gum can help with the biting. Also asking the teacher to use duct tape to tape off “her” area she is the only one that sits there and she can not leave her square. Some carpets are cute but very busy and confusing to kids. There are also social story books that you can read at home, try to find some online for free or cheap.
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As you said she hasn’t been around a lot of other children so I am going to assume that kindergarten is a little bit stressful for her and she is acting out. Try to be encouraging about this new phase in her life and make it a positive thing while also talking to her about respecting other children and helping her understand that it is completely unacceptable to physically hurt another kid. 
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She’s just acting out in response to a stressful situation and a major change in her life. Seek counseling in order to know how to best help her. Angry kids are sad kids.
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You also need to see if they are picking on her. Because teacher don’t tell you the full story.
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Ask the school if she can be evaluated by occupational therapy?
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Talk to her schools about putting her on a 504 maybe? That will allow her time for breaks when she gets overwhelmed and give her a place to go when frustrated.
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Use reinforcements for the end of the day. Tell her that if she has a good day where she keeps her hands and feet to herself she gets the reward. Make it something she doesn’t always has access to but really wants. ALSO, teaching about body boundaries and respect is SUPER HELPFUL. As a parent to a child that had these same issues it helps. I also am a Behavior Skills Specialist for elementary age students and was an RBT in ABA clinics. Staying consistent with rewards and speaking about boundaries is super helpful.
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Wow, some of these comments are so rude.
You didn’t fail… you are learning!!! Keep on her at home. If it continues, it may not hurt to talk to your doctor to see if something more could be going on (mentally)causing her to act out. They have pretty good tips on how to handle those situations and sometimes they even have someone there to talk to and to kind evaluate her in front of you to help guide you in the right direction. Good luck!!
She could be over stimulated by the classroom
She my need to be with a smaller group
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Work with her teacher and come up with a plan. Ask her pediatrician for an evaluation with occupational therapy.
In preschool, my son was hit, bit, scratched… by other kids all the time. They were 4/5 year old kids. It’s not an uncommon thing when they are upset. Work with her at home on what she needs to do. Reward good behavior.
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How old is your child? Sorry I don’t know what age children go to kinder (it’s different in NZ). But please don’t think you need to go searching for a medical diagnosis straight away. You said your daughter started a week ago - she is still adjusting to her new environment. You said she is a only child and hasn’t had much involvement with other children - social skills take time to develop and one week isn’t enough time for them to develop.
What strategies do the teachers use? Mirroring these strategies at home may help your little one understand what is acceptable behavior towards her peers.
Please don’t feel like a bad mum 
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Separation anxiety? Maybe this is her way of expressing it. Or she doesn’t know how to play with or share with other children because she has never had to.
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You haven’t failed. Hang in there mama.
Shes an only child, not around others, and just started school.
Just gotta keep consistent with discipline (time outs, or taking a toy for a bit… no hitting/spanking).
TALK to her. Let her know that she has big feelings and its ok but we talk about it to find a solution, we never hit.
There are some great age appropriate books too. See what the teacher suggests.
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You are not. We cannot control what they do or say. Sit her down and talk to her about it. Ask her questions about her day …every day. Let her know you are always available to her for any conversation. Start a tea party with her before bed. Sleepytime tea. Let her know this is the one and only time of day she can confess to anything without repercussions or … punishment. You’ll be surprised what she says. But she definitely needs to discuss why she is feeling aggressive. It could be them bullying her. You never know. Also get in touch with the teacher and principal. Have a meeting with them at the same time. This way it’s not misunderstood btw all of you. Ask them questions and what you can do to help her. This way they can see you are willing to cooperate and work with them as well as her.
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Start by being with her and another child! Observe and teach them to share, be kind. They need to learn especially if only child.
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Don’t feel like you are a failure. A lot of parents go through this.
My suggestion would be for your daughter to be seen by the schools therapist.
It may be something as easy as an attention getter to something as a maturity level.
Do not fret, this too will soon pass.
Blessings!
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Better take her to play therepy before she get dragged by a kid worse than her.
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You need to find an activity where she needs to socialize more. Like Karate or dance, soccer etc
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that’s what happens when kids aren’t socialized before being put in kindergarten, it will pass when she gets used to being in school …use rewards when she has a good day and teach her she can’t hit/bite other people get her involved in activities with other kids
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See if there is a why? If it’s the same boy maybe he is doing something that angers her. When that young children do not know how to regulate or express feelings. We need to teach them so alot of feelings are expressed physically. She may also be stressed or maybe tired too. Kindergarten is exhausting for children. I would get to the why. Is there a certain time she does this. What do they do before? What are they doing during or after? Is her seat by this boy? Investigate the why to get to the modification of the behavior. Change physical to words. Or maybe the kid just is a little dick and he deserves it. I hate to say it but some kids no matter how much you try to modify behavior won’t. It takes a swift kick to teach them. Ask her the above questions, as the teacher and be that mom. Find the other parent and have nice chat. Like hey I was made aware of what my child is doing to your child. Has he said anything to you about it. I am changing this behavior but I need more information. Also ask the parent for a playdate. Teach her how to interact. Good luck
All behavior has a meaning. This does not reflect failure on you or your daughter. I’d talk to your pediatrician and get a referral for a developmental pediatrician. Talk with her teacher. Does the school have a mental health counselor available? I’d request an observation. Knowing the function (reason) for her behavior would help a ton, so she can be taught acceptable replacement behaviors and a plan that works for her can be put in place. Hang in there!
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Eventually she’ll pick on the wrong kid and he/she will pinch/scratch or bite her back. When this happens enough times she’ll start realizing it’s not a smart thing to do.
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Get them in some martial arts program…teach them discipline and ways to safely release anger
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Teach her how to find other ways for her frustration and anger. Is he doing something to her first or saying something ? and that’s how she’s fighting back?
Maybe teach her how to resolve in other ways?
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Therapy will help her manage her emotions
I had the very same issue with my son when he started pre-k. He was also not very socialized with other kids. We started a plan with his teacher and a behavior specialist, he is now in 3rd grade and he has come such a long way. He loves school now, and we are considering taking him off the plan completely. Sometimes its easy to feel like we are failing as parents, but they dont come with an instruction manual. Your sweet daughter will come around, and you are doing great momma!
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Consider putting her in therapy.
Yea, you have failed so far. Luckily, you’ve got time to fix it.
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She learned it somewhere, before she went to school…
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She bites bite her, she kicks or hits do the same and make it hurt then tell her firmly she is not to do these because like they hurt her they hurt the other kids.
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Is it just the one boy? Maybe there’s something else going on? You def have not failed there’s no manual on raising a child
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Play groups!! Socialize her now and teach her what being nice does to others. We used an analogy with my son…. Everyone is like a bucket. In life you can be a bucket filler (putting nice things towards others filling them with happy feelings), or a bucket dipper (being mean and taking happiness from them and making them empty and sad). That visual helped my kid. My son is on the spectrum and had some impulse control issues. Some only children tend to be a tad selfish and greedy meaning if they want a toy they take it and hit to get it since they aren’t used to being told no and taught to share
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I would have her evaluated. I’m sure that is the route the school is going to suggest if they haven’t already.
Not much advice other then what I went through as a child I stated kindergarten and I had never been away from my grandparents cause they raised me after my daddy died but to them I was a only child so I was just use to never being around any other kids or anyone else for that matter I came home with a paddling every single day but I soon got the hang of it I don’t advise paddles cause she’s having to adjust and learn but the best thing u can do s just keep trying and talking to her and letting her know it’s not ok u haven’t failed and she most like hasn’t seen it anywhere as I have a 2 yr old who is starting this stage and I know he hasn’t seen it anywhere hes only child in my home till the end of January when i have my new baby and he has no one to play with but also make sure she isn’t being picked on and having to stand up for herself
Start the coin system. You get a gold coin for everyday you don’t hit. You get another gold coin for everything good you do at home. If you are not good and do something that is against the rules, I have to take a coin away. Once every 3 days (at first) you get to go to the coin item shop. We have candy, toys, and once a month a toy of your choosing gets put in the item shop. I spend about 30 a week on prizes and fun things for my kids and they go crazy over item shop day. My 2 year old is constantly saying I get a gold coin now!! I struggled with my 2 and 5 year old hitting and fighting for literally 2 years. It was grueling. 6 months ago I started this and it’s changed our lives. If you don’t have alot of money you can literally buy cool candy toys with a food stamp card. Or get creative and put popcorn with a note saying movie with mom -5 coins. It’s amazing and I highly recommend it. Reward systems are a good way to promote good behavior. My Dr did tell me when u reward with candy (before coins were around our household, I did this) it can hurt your child. Not bc it’s candy but bc it sets an emotional connection to food when used as a reward. So be careful with that, however I believe coins are different with candy or sweets in the item shop. It’ll get better mama hang in there 
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Aww it will be ok she will learn…but this is why its suggested kids get some socialization with group settings before kindergarten. I did the same with my first. His first day of kindergarten he smacked a kid with a toy microphone because the kid didn’t want to talking into it. Everyone learns it’s ok.
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She doesn’t know how to use her words. When they can’t vocalize their needs then they lash out. I am a preschool teacher. Most of the kids go through this when they first start school. Keep talking to her. Ask her why she did it and show her what to say instead of biting. Practice with her in using her words. It will take a while be patient. She is learning.
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I got this…My son…Same age…same situation…Wife and I what do we do…?!..Weekend at home…Kids playing in back yard with friends…Hear scream and turn to see son biting his friends arm…asked him why…I don’t want him doing what he was doing…Grabbed my sons arm and bit him hard enough to get the point across…The look on his face…He had no idea and no amount of talking or time outs were going to work…Model little boy after that…Not a bite to be had…
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Well…don’t be mad when the boy defends himself and slaps/bites her back.
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