My daughter and her boyfriend live with me but neither of them help out: Advice?

Nope nope nope lay down the law mama. Sit down with them and say how you’re hurting, this can’t go on, in a perfect world you could help them yadda yadda but this is reality especially with everything going on. They are old enough and if they don’t help with this, this and this, youre sorry but it can’t work out.

My boys had to pay for all of their own food , college and car and car insurance . The oldest volunteered to help pay part of the rent too all the while he was in college . My youngest son paid all of his own expenses , as well . This took place immediately after graduation from high school . While I never had to ask them to do this , they just did it . They are 27 and 31 and turned out quite well . Do your daughter a favor and make her pay for her expenses or she can move out ! Boyfriend needs to go ! He should have never stayed the night in the first place! Your daughter needs to grow up and work full time . Good luck ! Keep us posted !

I have a great relationship with my mom she always told me I took care of you for 18 years everything I do after that is out of love. You are not required to do anything for her and if she is so ungrateful let her go

No one to blame but yourself. You allowed it.

She’s playing you. Stand your ground. She’ll find out what it’s like to grow up. If she wants to stay lay down some rules to follow or kick her butt to the curb

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It wasn’t against your wishes or he wouldn’t be there!! You allowed it and you are putting up with it…stand up for yourself!!

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When I turned 18 my mom made me pay rent if I didn’t get a job or help pay and help around the house she wouldn’t allow me to stay there. If I didn’t pay my phone bill I didn’t have a phone. You can only hold on for so long.

They need to get their own place pretty soon you’re grandchild will move in

Your house, your rules!! If she chooses to leave to be spiteful then let her go!! Unfortunately we all have to learn the hard way at some point!! Maybe she needs to see that once her boyfriend can’t mooch off of you or her anymore that he will be gone in the wind!! I hope not but more than likely!! Tough love is unconditional love :purple_heart: good luck :purple_heart:

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They help with bills or move out! When I was 16 with my first job (only getting 200-300 a week) I gave my mum 100 a week she never asked for it. She is 18 and needs to learn the ways of life.

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My 8 month old and I love with my parents, I work full time and go to school full time, they don’t ask for rent or money for bills, they just ask that I help when I can, I buy our groceries half of the time throughout the month and frequently buy all of us dinner out if none of us feel like cooking (mom still works full time, dad is retired but cannot cook!) they want me to save up to be able to buy a place of my own, I also help them if they need it and if I’m able

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Nothing is free… sorry not sorry but she won’t learn to appreciate things or work hard for the things she wants in life…

I moved out at 18. I had to dig a big enough hole for myself to learn. My mother did everything right. I was a stubborn 18 year old. I left met someone and so forth. I regretted it shortly after and moved back with her went to college and got on my feet. Let her go and let her learn. BUT don’t sit back and let your life and relationship go. She has to learn life and it will hit her in the face. The guilt will be there because you love her. However until she learns how the world works and not everything is free and you can’t mooch off others you’re just gonna have to let life happen.

She is manipulating you. She follows the rules and helps financially and around the house or she gets out, and that is her choice. Don’t let her get it twisted. She won’t help herself if she doesn’t have to. I kicked my son out 6 years ago because he quit college. He had everything free at his disposal and all he had to do was stay in college. When he quit I gave him 60 days to get out, and then he got the boot. Make some rules and boundaries and then you must enforce them.

Bye girl you make your own money get your place or start paying some damn bills selfish ugh

And since she said she would follow the boyfriend, isn’t it interesting that she can’t move in with him at his house for a change?

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She’s trying to guilt trip you. Do not give in. If she wants to live with you, she can help out. She is an adult. She needs to act like one.

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No stand your ground. From personal experience me, my fiance and kid live at my parents until we get back on our feet. We pay rent, do chores, pay for all our food, and both work. She will learn that once you become an adult you have responsibilities

When we turned 18 we either went to college or got a job. I went to school but my brothers did not. They had to get jobs and either pay $100 a week and their own groceries or $200 a week and my mom grocery shopped and cooked. Sadly you are only enabling both of them. You should not feel bad about telling them to help. It is your house your rules. Honestly your better then me you asked her not to have him sleep over let alone move in and she went against your wishes. Stand your ground mama it’s time to cut the cord and make her grow up and learn some responsibility. Good luck!!

She’s using that guilt to get you to continue enabling her bad behavior. Time for them both to move out and pay their own way.

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You lost me when you said he stayed there AGAINST your wishes. How the hell does that happen? It’s relatively easy to say you can’t stay the night in my home. I’m not running a damn bed and breakfast. See he came there because your daughter knows that you’re a pushover and he knew she would NOT be able to stay with either of his parents. You need to put your foot down. Put his a** the hell out and if your daughter doesn’t like that put her a** out too. Let her know that you will NOT tolerate ANY disrespect and if she stays there she’s gonna help with bills, household chores, and her boyfriend will NO longer be able to spend nights. Tell her these rules are NON-NEGOTIABLE. It’s time for tough love because your daughter has played you for a damn fool.

Make her boyfriend move out and tell her she needs to give u 50 or 75 a week to help out the end.

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EVICT THEM its not your job to support them

She won’t really go on the streets if he goes home. She will be home with you or with him. She’s saying that to make you feel bad bc she’s lived for free with her bf and doesn’t want to give it up. He’ll leave her high and dry when it comes to living with his family or on the street with her.

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Shit, day I turned 18 my mom put her hand out an said rent is $250 a month if I wanted to stay.

My brother is doing this as we speak to my mother (he’s almost 24 years and hasn’t stopped manipulating) and she lets it happen but cries abuse. Just don’t let it happen. It’s your house. She doesn’t help. She can get out. This might sound cold hearted, but if she’s trying to guilt trip you (like my brother has my mom) because she’s gonna be homeless then be homeless! She’s an adult! If she was on her own she would’ve been evicted already long ago. It’s a very harsh lesson but it’s called tough love. Learn the lesson or don’t. If she don’t, she’ll always be a moocher and bouncing around unstable (she’s an adult, HER CHOICE!). If she does learn, she’ll be a strong, independent woman like her mama!!

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You went wrong many years ago as far as your daughter is concerned

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Shes manipulating you. Call her bluff. Her stupid butt aint going anywhere!

Pair of freeloaders need to get out anyway

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Get rid of them time for them to grow up

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Tell her she has X amount of time to start helping out. A week, two weeks? Whatever it is. She needs to help with X amount of money every month and clean up after herself and help with stuff around the house. Her boyfriend cannot stay (this is what I would do, but if you decide to let him stay make him pay and clean/help as well). If she doesn’t start this within that time frame, they are both out. No arguments. Explain to her that you love her but don’t want to resent her because she won’t help. She is grown, she cannot expect her mom to keep taking care of her forever AND her boyfriend.

Once I turned 18 I had to pay rent to stay at home. Not much, $200/month to cover the utilities & things I used. Plus, any bills I had on my own (phone, car, insurance, etc.) were my responsibility. I think that’s how it should be tbh. Don’t let her manipulate you.

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You’ve put up with it way too long…
Very hard to do tough love, but that’s your only choice…Let her know your door is always open for her, but she has to contribute

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No parent should stand for it not be taking advantage of like that…I’m 29 and if I was still living with my mother she would of kicked us both out…due to the fact it’s totally disrespectful of what they are doing.

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You raised her,now all she’s doing is trying to make u feel guilty. It’s time she learns what the real world is about. Think for a minute you didn’t kick her out,that was her decision to go with her boyfriend, and look how much he wanted her, she couldn’t go and stay with him, he didn’t want her. If she was my daughter, she would have two choices, come back home get a full time job and help me out with 100.00 to 200.00a month. 2nd choice, she didn’t want to do that get her own apartment go to work and then she could live with that no good boyfriend and support him.

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The boyfriend moves out she starts paying rent or she can move out as well time for tough love it hurts but it will hurt her more in the long run if you don’t stand ground now

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I didn’t charge my daughter rent after she finished school, but she did work , pay her own bills and saved to get her own apartment. Our kids do what we allow them to do. If you allow her and bf ( another story completely) to use you it’s your own fault.

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She sounds like a spoiled little shit. Throw them both out, I wouldnt support my daughter and her grown ass boyfriend. Supporting your own yes but come on.

She’s manipulating you. Tell her it’s her choice and wish her well with her bad decisions, she’s just trying to break you, and get her way. Don’t let up or she will never learn or appreciate what it takes to have and maintain a comfortable home.

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Just because you’re child turns 18 does not mean you get to stop being a parent. But that only goes for YOUR daughter. Kick her boyfriend out, and if she goes with him, she does. But then tell her she’s grown and needs to help around the house. But once again, she’s your child, and it’s not her responsibility to pay for bills in your home. She had the rest of her life to do that. No parent should make their kids pay to live in their own home at 18, maybe if they’re older. But for now, let her save up for her own place. But she should be cleaning, doing chores, paying for her own gas.

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Unfortunately you allowed this to happen. I was NEVER allowed to have boys stay over, much less in my room, regardless of age. Once I finished college, I was required to pay a minimum of $50 a week. While I don’t think I’d be thrown out I paid it as it was towards: food, electric, & water. I paid my own cell phone, car insurance & did my own laundry. She is over 18, I’m assuming she isn’t in college so you are no longer responsible for her. AND it’s effecting your relationship with your partner. I would have moved out too. Sorry.

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She either helps out or she gets out.

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You need a backbone. Tell them to start paying or get the hell out. It is really that simple.

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I started giving my mother money when I got my first job at 15. Always cleaned up after my self. It was never a option if I didn’t like it I could leave taught me how to be responsible.

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I worked for six weeks before I payed rent. Mum wanted me to get a little bit ahead before I payed rent. We did that with our 4 children when they all started their jobs after Uni. They all worked from about 15 years of age. They found their part time jobs and continued at them even through Uni

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Man kick them both out! They’re adults!

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Once I turned 18 I was working and not in school my mom asked me to pay rent and I did I think like 200-300 which honestly 20 years ago would be like hydro bill or another bill and I helped out other ways as well
I find most teens these days feel like they shouldn’t have to help out or do much
I helped with laundry dinner and dishes
Being 18 you are considered an adult so act it

Put your foot down or send them to antifa🤣

We had a similar problem with my stepdaughter and her boyfriend except we never let the boyfriend stay overnight! It is very hard once they are over 18 and not helping or doing anything with their lives! We always told her she was welcome and never asked her to pay but eventually she just started taking full advantage of it and a big altercation erupted and she finally moved out with the boyfriend! She was 21 once she moved out and was not in school or working full time, we gave her every opportunity possible but sometimes you just have to put your foot down and make them be adults!

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Tell him to go and if she wants to follow him thats her choice but let her know she can come back and stay if she finds it hard but only her no one else, hes not your responsability she will learn the hard way

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Sorry but your daughters partner has to go, put your foot down enough is enough, they are both walking over you. If your daughter doesnt like it well that’s tough, give her the altimation stay or go

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She’s your child 18 or not. It’s not the 80s anymore. It’d a lot harder for an 18 year old to support themselves. I lived at home till I was 22. Didn’t pay for anything just had chores I was required to do. As for the boyfriend he can get the F out. If she wants to go with him that’s her issue but I don’t see a problem in supporting your own child. Your boyfriend should understand that. But I do agree her boyfriend needs to go

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Bs. Tell her they can pay rent to stay or they can both go. I’ve paid rent since I was 15. That’s a joke. You do not need to support your damn near adult child.

She should pay $300 a month at a minimum. I paid $300 a month at 15 years old when minimum age was $8

If she doesn’t want to contribute she can leave too.

She’s taking advantage of you in every way possible. Put your foot down&stop letting her put you on a guilt trip

On the streets she goes. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. She is 18 time for her to figure it out. Stand your ground. Maybe tell her to notice her bf doesn’t care too much where she ends up either

No no no no no. You didn’t say you didn’t want her, you don’t want him there. If she chooses to move out with him it’s on her, not you. And she won’t be on the streets, if she can’t live at his families she knows she can still be at home with you, however, she needs to pay board. You’re being emotionally blackmailed, it happens to us all.

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Let her go and learn what it means and takes to be a adult. Perhaps then she will have appreciation for you and willing to contribute. She perhaps is using threats of going to live on the street if her boyfriend can’t stay. I personally think she should reevaluate what kind of “boyfriend” material she hooked up with.

Daughter is 19 right. Then she either steps up and helps with bills and food or she can find her own place. If bf goes back home and they won’t allow her to stay then it is her choice if she lives on the street. I help my grown children if I can and when I can. I have always told my children that no one owes them a living. They have to work for what they get and have. Tough love helps more than you know. Is it hard yes but you have to teach responsibility. Good luck and God bless you.

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they are adults, and should be out working and paying rent and helping, or moving out on their own if they aren’t happy with your rules. people will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. They have now ruined your chances for a happy relationship with a real man who actually helps with the bills and the upkeep. The very fact that you had to “ok” your partner to live in YOUR house with your kid? Ludicrous

She’s a big girl. Time to put her big girl panties on and start supporting herself. She’s not a child anymore. She should already have been working a couple Of years by now to prepare for this right here. You wanna live with man and be an adult, then act like one.

Boyfriend needs to move out and she needs to start taking in responsibility. Period. Although not mature at all, with a lot to learn, she is grown. You only have one obligation to ensure she gets on her feet properly, and she needs not mess it up. She better think real long and hard about what she wants. It’s her choice to shape up or ship out, not yours.

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Throw them out, let them live with his parents, you’ve done enough and think about your own relationship

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My son is 18 and lives with me for free he has a job but I just ask him to save his money for when he is out on his own. He does help around the house though. I don’t mind taking care of my son but I would not take care of his girlfriend or let them live with me for free.

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Her and her boyfriend need to step up my mum took £10 per week from 16 and £70 by time we were 18 I was living in my own house and settled down . You have to put your relationship first he moved out when in fact they should have moved out .

Tuff love hunny maybe a couple nights away from home will help her realize what she has

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I’m almost 30 now… But when i was a little shit, at 18, my mom told me I was on my own. Probably the best thing she did so I could figure life out … now she was there when I did need her. Enforce your rules if she lives with you, if she doesn’t like it then tell her to leave and let her figure it out.

That’s your child for life that is the problem with the black community putting our children out just cause they’re 18 they are not ready at 18 I lived with my mom til I was 20 n paid nothing however if my mom needed it I gave :woman_shrugging: as far as the boyfriend get him up outta there Not your responsibility at all!!

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I have a 20 ur old at home and she works and is in college. I dont ask her for a penny and I care for all the Bill’s. She is responsible for her phone and car maintenance and her own expenses like clothes ,makeup etc all stuff I used to take care of until she started working at 18. She has a boyfriend who lives an hr away and recently he has stayed for a couple nights here and there and I did have to remind her not to make it a habit because he does eat and shower here and thus is no hotel. So my advice is let her say she is moving. She wont because she has it made there and if she leaves it will be temporary and she’ll come right back because no one else will deal with caring for her like you do. They wanna play house but under someone’s roof is not ok. They wanna be grownup then they need to help financially if they wanna share your home that you where so nice enough to let them stay at. Your the boss and just sit them both down and just say you guys either give me this much a month or your boyfriend has a month to move out and leave it at that, I can no longer afford to care for two extra people that say they are grown but not doing grown up stuff. Best of luck to you.

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she is an adult to many entitled people

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don’t let her guilt trip you! time for them to get jobs or go to school and start building their life, she will thank you someday!

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Just because she wants to live with her boyfriend does not mean you have to live with him. It’s your house. You get to decide the living situation and the rules. If she chooses to leave, let her. Chances are she’ll come crawling right back to you.

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The Salvation Army take in the homeless. They will have to get up every morning and go look for a job because they won’t let them stay over 3 days without paying for room and a meal. At least that’s the way it use to be. I put a friend out because she tried tricking me into thinking she was looking for a job when in fact she was running around with some guy she met. She almost caused my husband and I to separate. So I took her to the Salvation Army and told her to tell them that story.

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I think she should stay but he needs to go. As long as she has a job

Do not let her manipulate the situation. Sit her down and talk to her like an adult. You keep your cool even when she is outraged at your opinions. And tell her the situation doesn’t change just because you yell, and get angry. Facts are facts I can not afford to support you and your bf, if you want to live here you need to contribute, and that is not asking much. If they would rather leave than contribute then that is their choice. Then be willing to sit down with them and create a financial plan that is helpful you and doesn’t break them.
On a side note I’ve seen many parents take advantage of their children because theyre “adults” now, and through the years have put themselves in a financial rut.
Children helping is one thing but they shouldn’t be responsible to bail parents out because of poor decisions or other circumstances

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U don’t owe anything! She is 18 and can support herself. She won’t be on the streets, people rent rooms…sometimes even a damn sofa!

Girlllllll no no no no!!! What your 18 year old daughter does outside of your house is none of your business but while still living in your house, she should be paying you!! Doesn’t have to be much but it has to be something! Her bf needs to just get out period. Don’t let her guilt you! You raised her to grow up and be a productive member of society and you’ve done that. The rest is up to her! You asked and this is my opinion. Good luck!

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Honestly tell them they have to help or get out you are responsible for just your daughter she choose to move her boyfriend in so she choose to be grown and that comes with responsibility

Me & my boyfriend live with my parents right now with his daughter & mine but we live in the in law suite and pay $450 a month it’s not asked but we still do and we help with food and all , if your daughter wants to live that hard life let her mama she will come back

Shes an adult and should now pay half of everything or move out. End of story

Sad because we love our kids but when will they stop using you it’s okay if only her but her boyfriend too no no no don’t feel guilty let her with him

In my house you study or you work and no partners were not welcome. If they are old enough to have a partner stay over they are old enough to move out.
Stop paying for your daughters stuff and change the net password, time she starts paying her own way.

Let them go unfortunately either that would end up make wrose…she just want you make felt terrible put your foot down and stand up yourself you tell her your only support her not HIM he had to go and the way he said all it’s an lame excuse

Go on Craigslist and find a room for rent nearby, whatever the rent is lower it by $100 and charge her that amount.

If she is not in college then it’s time she grows up.If she was on her own she would have to pay her own expenses. If she wants her boy friend to live with her it’s time to grow up and get her own place.Living on the streets is her guilt trip for you making him leave and is disrespectful.There are far to many jobs available to say she can only find part time.

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Don’t feel bad she is grown and so is he. If they want to play house they need to pay house!!! If they move out they have to pay to live somewhere right? Help them grow up!!! Soon as the move find a paying roommate that will help you. 2 freeloaders will do nothing but cost you money time and energy. Time for mom to enjoy life!!!

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My question is why would you allow your 18 yr old have her boyfriend spend the night and then you allow him to move in. And then you allow him to move in. You’re not responsible for him. Your daughter is trying a guilt trip on you. I would let her live in the house with a job but he’ll have to figure out what he needs to do, he’s not your responsibility and you’re considered grown at 18…

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Lol just move in with your boyfriend and let them have that place they either make it with paying Bill’s or they don’t either way its time for them to grow up and sense you have already let them stay for so long it will be hard to force them to leave without eviction processes if they dont leave willingly.

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If she aint working and helping or going to b college they both need to go

My parents didn’t make me pay them but once I was able to be gainfully employed my bills became my responsibility. The paid all my bills first semester of college but when I left the soccer team I lost my scholarship. I started working on an ambulance and started medic school. That’s when i started paying my car note/ins gas and phone bill.

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If they won’t help out…out they go! You don’t have to support them for the rest of your life. Don’t feel guilty. They should help!

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Tell them to get a job. Get out

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To me, you are just letting them play house in your house and you get to pay for it. If they want to be grown up then there is accountability. If you can’t be accountable then you must learn to find your own way! Don’t fight, just keep telling them.

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My daughter is only 20 months🤭 But when she turns 18, I won’t expect her to be financially ready to be on her own. If she’s in college, she can stay with me rent free but still help with chores. And if she isn’t, then I’ll expect her to work and pay for some things. Not anything too crazy but just to show responsibility while she saves at the same time. I would NEVER allow her to have a live in boyfriend, not that young anyways. (If she was older than 18 and in a long term, serious relationship with someone and they hit hard times then I’d let them stay to help them back on their feet). But I would never allow my kids or anyone they’re “flinging” with take advantage of me. I would also hope she would never try to.

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you are not doing her any good by allowing her to use you, sad to say but what will she do when your not here she needs to learn now, I am struggling with the same thing (no boyfriends ) but what happens when im gone. If we dont do something now who knows what can happen

as soon as I started working full time at around 17 I was paying my mum & dad 200 a month and I thank them for making me pay so much coz when I fell pregnant at 19 and moved into my own place it helped me know how to prioritise bills and also budget so everything…

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Change the locks . They are grown . You are not financially responsible for her boy toy . Nor her to be technical. If shes old enough to take the D … she old enough to feed herself .

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You shouldn’t be supporting your daughters boyfriend.

You didn’t tell your daughter to leave. You told her to help carry her own weight. Let her go if that’s her choice. Save yourself.

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Don’t be an enabler. Kick him out. Give her the choice… To help out with one bill at the very least. She can nag that she’ll be homeless but soon she’ll realize just what YOU DO AND WHAT HE DOESN’T DO. If she doesn’t, too bad… she’s treating you badly and should get a wake up call.

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Bull. They both are old enough to pay. Teach them responsibilities please. They should be paying and doing chores. Trust me stick to your guns if she moves out it won’t hurt her and she will either come back or grow up. Please don’t spend another penny on either of them.

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I made sure my oldest son knew what my expectations were prior to him finishing high school. If he wanted to live with me he had the following options:

  1. Part- time work +college + chores

  2. Military + chores

  3. Full-time work + chores

I never allowed him to move a friend into our home. He was responsible for his car insurance, upkeep on his vehicle and cell phone. He has had a job since he was 14 in high school. He is very independent.

I’ve been babied by my single mother my whole life lol but at 19 my boyfriend and I moved in & honestly in the beginning we were not helping out as much as we should’ve but she made it VERY clear that we can either help out or he can’t live there. Sometimes tough love is the right love. We ended up paying rent and pitching in for groceries, as we should & as your daughter and boyfriend should now that they have jobs. If she’s threatening to leave because you want her to pull some weight , let her. She will be back. You aren’t kicking her out! You’re asking the bare minimum of her !

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