Any advice will help. My eight year old is refusing to speak to her father. Every time my phone rings and his name pops up, she huffs and says No, or she will jerk her head and shoulder real snotty and just turn away like she is ignoring the fact that I told her he is calling. It has gradually gotten worse since she got back from his house in July. She visits him for one month every year because he lives up north and we live down south. Due to “financial difficulties and the travel difficulties,” he only sees her for the one month of the year. A month ago she told him she didn’t want to come to his house for the summer and she wanted to stay at my house for the whole summer. She tried in her nicest way to tell him, and he, of course, turned around and made her feel just awful. My daughter has had a rough few years with trusting adults, and them making her feel like crap and putting her into an all-time low. Instead of him trying to make things better, he hung up with her, feeling extremely upset. Now it’s been a month since she has spoken to him, and I’ve asked her about it, and she doesn’t seem to care in the slightest to speak to him or even like him at all. She has even gone as far as saying things like I don’t even like my dad. She does not get that talk from me because I do not speak about her father at all when she is around. That’s the last thing I need her hearing is mom talk about her dad in any way. He has called twice this week, and she continues to ignore him. Does anyone have any advice for me here? Should I continue to let the phone ring and let him wonder why she isn’t picking up? Or should I tell him to stop calling and she will call him if she wants to talk?
Maybe he’s doing something to her that she doesn’t like or want.
I would take her to a therapist. It may be something that she is experiencing there. Also, you dont get a choice if it is a custody agreement. Breaking it could land you in jail and her in his full physical custody. I would tell her that she needs to express her feelings verbally and maybe he didnt know he violated her boundaries.
Obviously something happened when she was there at her dads house. I’d suggest talking to her and then talking to her dad. Something isnt right.
Sit and talk with her judgement free maybe something happened she isn’t saying anything about. If she doesn’t feel comfortable talking maybe a school counselor or someone else can get her to open up.
I would be quite worried if it was my daughter, I would try and find out why she don’t want to go? Maybe give her a diary but sneakily read it? Something really is not right🤔
First thing would be to answer the phone and talk to him…
I agree with previous comments. Seems something happened while she was with dad. Little girls don’t just start refusing to speak with their fathers, something triggers that. I would be a little concerned and don’t force her to talk to him until you figure out what’s going on.
Tell him what’s going on and suggest that he write her an email or a letter. Then he can say what he wants and she can read, react and respond on her terms.
I think a father should always try . But you should talk with both on phone when she is ready maby
Quit pushing, obviously something happened. You should be on her side, not her father’s. It’s absolutely her right to not want to speak to or see him.
Maybe he or someone he hangs around is doing something to her I hate to say it but it may he true
Simple. don’t make her talk to him. There’s a reason why she doesn’t want to talk to him or see him and you need to find out why
Momma, something has happened. My son went thru this. He ended up in therapy bc he told he wanted his daddy to die at age 5. It got so bad, he was wetting the bed.
It may be nothing happened, just how he talks at her. It’s different and she hates it.
Have her see a therapist and see if you can get answers and Dad needs to make it a priority and come see the therapist with her.
Don’t force your children to be around adults they feel uncomfortable around
When I was a kid I went through this… my great grandparents were the ones who raised me from a really young age and my mom was one of those that would come and go a lot as I got older I got tired of her bs so when she started calling again I would tell my mawmaw I didn’t want to speak to her this went on for a good year I think but eventually I decided to speak to her again… something has happened to make your daughter not want to speak with her father so sit down with her and talk maybe it’s nothing to serious and eventually she’ll come around just don’t force her
Take her to a therapist immediately
Definitely look into therapy for her. Also answer the phone and talk to him yourself. Ask about the last visit and let him know she’s upset and doesn’t want to talk to him for the time being.
You need to find out what happened when she was there last summer. I agree, if she won’t talk to you, a therapist might be needed. Good luck!
I was this age and it was me not wanting anything to do with my mom and you being in my dad’s shoes. Eventually my dad just let me figure it out in my own time and after many times trying…finally to this day at 40yrs old…I have cut off all contact with her. So just let her be and if or when she decides to talk to her dad, she will in her own time. Something is definitely going on. When she’s ready to talk, she will…but the more forceful you are the more distant she’ll become about it all.
Have you spoken to him or do you just tell her he is calling and let her do what she wants? Seems like communication is a major issue among all 3 of you.
She’s old enough to have her own feelings. Does it suck? Yes. We of course want our children to have a loving relationship with both of their parents. However I wouldn’t push the issue with her. The next time he calls I would simply pick up the phone myself and explain to him that she is hurt and feeling some type of way. That she will call when she is ready to. Don’t ever force your child to have a relationship that they do not want no matter who it is.￼
Edited just to add, that I agree with many others on here. You need to get down to the bottom of why she wants nothing to do with her dad. Find out what happened, even if she kicks and screams. You can’t help her if you don’t know and something absolutely had to have happened for her to all of a sudden not want anything to do with her father.
Leave your Daughter be.
Definitely get her into therapy to find out whats going on, and definitely talk to a lawer about changing visitations… Something is obviously wrong for her to be acting like that and until its fixed, try to legally keep her away from him until her issues are sorted out. Better safe than sorry.
She probably being brat not getting her way with dad or she was stuck doing nothing at his place. Your the parent figure it out.
Maybe something happened while she was there this past summer. Find her a social worker or psychologist to speak to. Dont force her
Tell her to stop being a snot nosed brat just because she wasn’t given her own way. Jesus Christ. She said she didn’t want to go there, but that’s his one time out of the year to see her so he said no, and now she’s punishing him for saying no. Don’t force her to go there, but you cant let her get away with refusing to even talk to him just because he didn’t give her what she wants, either.
Id ask her what the reason is for her not wanting to speak to her dad. Considering he only makes time one month of the year, i get it
He doesnt deserve her… She made her choice. He probably talks to her mean of ignores her… The way he hung up says alot. So just do ur mom thing and make her know she is loved by mama
I feel like nothing big happened. I feel like she’s probably just mad he lives so far away and then made her feel like crap for not wanting to go to his house for an entire month. She’s 8, preteen, moody, being guilt tripped by her dad, I wouldn’t want to talk to him either if I was her. Just give her time and explain to dad that she just needs space but not to give up. Maybe she wants to see if she’s still important to him.
I was like this towards my mom, she was abusing my brother and I. Talk to her, see why she wants nothing to do with him.
Maybe theres a reason why your child doesnt want to talk to him. Maybe go to a therapist or something .
I would maybe try asking her why. Also he needs to grow up and understand this is hard for her. I would also let him know that she doesn’t want to talk to him…maybe a counselor would be a good idea as well.
First, thank you for never talking badly about her father. It must be difficult when you see how upset she is. Good job, Mama.
Second, you need to take her to a counselor. Let her learn how to deal with all those big feelings. We have a hard enough time doing it as adults. Trying to sort through it all as a child must be exhausting. Let her talk it out. Then you will know what to do accordingly.
I never had anything to do with my bio dad after I hit 2nd grade , I wouldn’t go see him or talk to him but I really feel like if she doesn’t want to talk to him that’s her decision but later in life if she wants to reach out then let her
I understand why she is acting the way that she is and why she feels the way she does. Who wouldn’t feel upset about it? Obviously he has put her on the back burner and treats her with disdain. She should not put up with it and neither should you. Let it play out and try not to interfere. You do not have to fix this. You don’t have to convince her to talk to him, answer the phone, or intercede in any way. He is messing up his chances with his daughter by treating her as unimportant. She heard the message loud and clear through his actions and now she is dishing it out. Too bad he can’t take it.
It will accept any insurance company and random numbers cos they don’t give a shit once the tax is paid
family councling if you cant get her to talk and tell you what tripped this off
Hmmm give more time. And talk to her more about this. There is not much you can do outside of encouraging her to try talking to him when she’s ready. This is something they have to figure out on their own…for now.
Give more time. My 13 year did this for a long time. All is good now
Tell him to keep trying and dont make her do anything.
Have you asked her why? What happened this month at his house specifically… Have her explain exactly what it was or is that is bothering her. Give examples. Then you can talk talk her through it, try and find reasonable ways to discount then or justify them… did he simply punish her because she was being a brat and now she’s mad at him or did he do something that was over the top that she has justifiably upset about? These are questions I would be asking and then I would talk to him as a follow-up and see where that leaves you
Ask her to write down her reasonsy she doesnt want to so you can talk to him about it.
Parental alienation is child abuse
I think a counselor or therapist needs to be involved. Perhaps something happened bn or perhaps she is just old enough to feel negated by her father… either way, she needs help to sort it out.
Kudos to you for caring about their relationship in a healthy way.
I think it might be time for a therapist.
When I was 8 I was always tagging after my dad. Even when he went to run errands. So it’s weird to me that she doesn’t even want to talk to him. You need to talk to her about why she’s avoiding her dad
Don’t make her talk to him. But they to find out why she doesn’t want to talk to him
Something could have happened but DOES not mean it happened while she was with her dad. Don’t know how old she is but my step daughter when she about 8ish didn’t want to come with her dad one weekend, nothing ever happened at home but she was refusing to come. Her dad was so sad and couldn’t figure out why, they’ve always had a great relationship so he was concerned something had happened. We gave her some space, not a lot because at the end of the day he is her father and she came around. Till this day she says she doesn’t know why she didn’t want to come but she feels horrible for making him feel sad for not wanting to spend time with him. It could be nothing, it could be hormonal, it could be her wanting more attention. Talk with her, let her know she can trust you but that it’s important to continue her relationship with her father and she can’t go much longer without speaking to him.
I’m sure if it was the other way around and she was wanting to ignore or you wouldn’t want to come back home to you it would be different and not acceptable. Make sure she is safe and everything is ok but also let her know both of you are her parents and if she doesn’t want to speak to him just bc he doesn’t agree that she shouldn’t go visit him then that isn’t fair.
I think the daughter needs to have some manners that is showing that she is very rude
I would have a sit down with her and ask her how she’s feeling… letting her know that any way she feels about dad or going to dads is ok. I’d also ask if there is anything she wants to tell you. Let her know that she is safe with you.
Maybe something has happened or is happening at her dads or with her dad. Its very important to find out. Try opening up a better line or communication with her. Perhaps giving ber a communication journal to write letters to you or walking with her and asking her about her feelings. ?
I would get her into therapy so she has a safe space to talk about dad and then butt out. She’ll likely come around eventually. They need to form their own relationship without interference from you and you likely don’t want to be in the middle of it anyway. You can’t make her speak to her father. Just keep offering the phone when he calls and she can decide. I found with my son the more I try to intervene the more he dug his heels in and it starting affecting our relationship in a negative way so I just backed off and their relationship has improved somewhat.
I understand he hung up on her cuz he got upset she didnt want to go down, but I doubt him hanging up is why she dont want to talk to him. Could be the area where he lives n she just isnt used to it and maybe not having a good time since it isnt familiar to her…could be she isnt comfortable being far away from home… but if she is showing resentment even b4 he hung up on her, there might be more to it. Maybe have a therapist come to your home so she feels comfortable to talk…or just keep t2her and let her know she can tell u anything…good or bad. Of course, u dont want to push too much to where she shuts down, but if a discussion of the state he’s in or something that reminds her of her father comes up, bring the convo back up then. If she doesnt want to be w him, then dont force her. Of course it sucks cuz I can tell u want her to have a relationship w her dad, but something is troubling her…could be small or could be something serious. Either way, it g2come out so u guys can take whatever actions from there. Someone suggested having him send a letter n maybe asking her nicely why she doesn’t want to come up for the month n hopefully, she will convey it on paper. Then u can read it b4 it gets sent (or doesn’t if it’s something serious). Just go 1 day at a time w it. I hope this all works out for u and your daughter❤
Sounds like she sick of his shit, my girls did the same thing and now being 15 and 18 nothing has changed they dont like them and nothing i say changes that. If i even try to talk to them about it they shut me down like mom dont even try
Do.you have a custody agreement. She is only.8 therefore shes technically not old.enough to make that choice yet. Do you talk to.her about it and tell her just to be nice say hello and how her day went? Even a 2 min call.is better than a fu button. Especially if he were to take you to court for refusing to answer…
Second did something happen that she doesnt wanna be there? Id.try having her talk.to someone a d see what is wrong
There is probably stuff with her father that happened that she is unwilling or unable to discuss with you… let the phone ring and let him wonder why she isn’t picking up… she will eventually come around if it wasn’t something real bad.
Sometimes they see them true colors and actually dislike their dad and choose to not be around them.
I would have her talk to a therapist or counselor. You need to find out what happened.
came up with it all on her own she must have seen or delt with something that she jsut isnt saying
There as got 2 b a reason y she doesn’t want to talk 2 him, don’t force her. Tell him that she will call him wen she is ready. I no from experience that a child as 2 have reasons please don’t force her.
How long has she been visiting for this one month?
Does he call or anything on a regular basis in between visits?
11months is a long time for anyone, let alone a child of her age, she then has to get used to dad, dads home etc all over again, she may just be starting to relax and the month is over for another year? If they had regular facetime etc over the months it might help or see if visits could be every 6 months or something? Obviously if there is another reason that she is avoiding his calls then it needs bringing into the open and dealing with. If you speak to her and get no rational answer you could ask if would help her if dad could come and you all talk together about it, if dad was willing? it may be just her pushing to see how much he cares etc. Or she will say she doesnt want him to come talk and you can explain that in that case she has to talk to you, as you cant help her if you dont know whats happening x
Sounds to me like something has happened. You need to get to the bottom of it.
Or you can be a good coparent and when he calls you answer it on speaker in front of her & start talking with him to get her to engage.
It depends the situation if she doesn’t want to talk to her dad you shouldn’t make her. Just answer an let him know she doesn’t want to talk to him. When she is ready for whatever reason she will talk to her father.
It’s her age and you should encourage her to talk to him, the more you allow her not to talk to him the worse it will get. If she loses out on a relationship with him it might come back to bite you in the butt. It’s not her choice you and dad are the adults, unless he has been unsafe then of course something needs to be done
She could be bullied or molested or any number of things. If there is a stepmom, she could be abusive when he isn’t there. I vote for therapy.
Thier usually a reason i would take her to a counslor and they will find out why.
Does he have a new girlfriend? If so does she have kids?
Why are you not discussing things with dad? You are the adult… to put it on an 8 year old doesn’t seem fair.
Something happened to her this past summer. Find out what.
Don’t force her to talk to him, but you are an adult who can pick up.the phone and not blow him off. Let him know the situation or you will look like the bad guy. Then you need to find out exactly why she doesn’t want to communicate. Was there an incident? Do they just have personalities that clash? If it is just that they have a hard time getting along, it would probably be really helpful for them to have some counseling together, even over the phone. Keep encouraging her to talk when she’s ready. Remind her that he loves her and that’s why he calls.
Did something besides the father making her feel god awful about speaking her mind? No parent should EVER make a child feel bad for saying what’s on their mind. I would be asking questions as to why she’s acting like this.
Something sounds suspicious???
Take her to a therapist to see if she will open up as to why she does not want to be around him. Sounds like something happens at his house that has affected her.
I was close to my dad until we spent 3 months alone in another place … he was a pervert . Find out why she’s upset …
He may have hurt her if she doesn’t want to talk. Or she may just be angry or trying to play you against each other.
My opinion he her parent. She is 8 for God sake, no 8yo loves both parents all day every day. Be her mother an let her know the way she is talking,ignoring her father is WRONG. SMH would you rather just let her do as she please an not have a thing to do with him? Because in the long run she WILL resent you for not making her have that bond with her dad
I grew up with a garbage dad, so let me tell you that forcing her to engage with him is not going to do anything but make her more upset. It definitely sounds like something happened so now she doesn’t want to be around him, so try working that out with her first and just tell her dad she is really upset and you can’t force her to talk if she doesn’t want to, so let her talk when she’s ready. Kids don’t just get mad and not want to see their parent. Talk to her or take her to talk to someone.
Have her talk to a child psychologist ASAP
I wonder if when people type things out they can see how obvious the problem is and what they need to do. When it comes to someone’s own problems they’re unable to see the ugly truth and will stay in denial. It’s so sad.
Is there a reason why? If it’s only because she just doesn’t want to talk to him, then you need to encourage her to talk to him.
I would definitely get her into counseling.
Don’t force her to do anything if she don’t want let her be
It’s a lack of respect. If you guys were still together and he were standing in front of her would you allow her to ignore him. Do you allow her to ignore you when you speak to her?
I would first try to get her to confide in you what happened at her last visit that made her change her mind(as pretty much everyone has said). U til you know that, you will not find peace with this. I would not tell him to stop calling, because if she ready has trust issues with adults, then it would seem to her like he doesn’t care and is giving up on her. Just in case nothing did happen and shes just going through a phase, I wouldn’t want him to lose her if there is a chance of saving the relationship. But you can answer and say that she doesnt feel like talking to him at that time. Good luck!
the girl obviously needs some time to process, big deal that she doesn’t pick up the call and he is an adult he needs to see it from her age perspective obviously something has triggered her reactions to him and in going there talk with her let her know her feelings are important to you and that you are there for her and would really like to talk with her about the things that are making her feel and act this way
I’d honestly suggest family counselling if possible.
Did you ask her the questions Did something happen being at her father’s??
I would make her talk to him because I think the relationship is important and I’d make her visit as well. It’s hard but kids can’t make all the decisions in their life
Are people not hearing the one month out of a year part??? How is that fair to the child? She never sees this guy and then has to give up one month of her summer, which she has made plans for all year long (what 8yos do- I have 8yo twins a boy and a girl)… are you really surprised she doesnt want to do it??? Screw his “financial issues” this isnt fair to the child…
Why doesn’t she like him? What are her reasons? Is he stricter on her? Or does she have a valid reason? At her age unless there’s a valid reason I would have her speak to her father. He’s her dad, she’s his child. She’s not old enough to decide that yet.
Something happened on the last visit. He may have said no to something she liked or something else happened that cld be serious or not. It might have involved him or not. Try to get her to explain why she is angry and keep an open mind. This is sad and needs to be dealt with.
Tell her that is she doesnt speak to her father when he calls that you could get in trouble with the courts and she will still have to spend a month with him each year. Tell her that her father loves her and its hard for him to know the right things to say to sometimes and that he can make mistakes but he still loves her. Kids are finicky…she is young but she needs her father in her life. If he is a good guy then they need eachother.
If he is not harming her and she is just going through a phase it’s disrespectful and you need to correct it. Ask her why she doesn’t like him. If it’s unreasonable which it may very well be because she’s eight… she gets no say. She’s a child if she’s hurt that’s a different story but even still if her father wants to work on it he has the right to talk to her and figure it out. One month a year is not ideal but that’s the situation she has to adjust children will only push as far as you allow.
Find out why a d take it from there
Idk but you protect that baby with all your might. You go after answers, no kid is going to not want to see their parents unless something happened in that parents care, point blank period. I would not push his wants off on her but rather hear & know her wants & needs… You do what you have to to protect her by all means… You have to be her rock & let her feel secure enough to come to you with everything & anything but putting her to face someone who may have exposed her to any level of discomfort, will result in the opposite. Good luck & I hope you will find hope, ease & peace within your final decisions. Xxxxx
From experience - something is happening to her when she’s up there.
My advice is to not ask strangers on fb for advice.
It is simply a response to malnourishment. The phone calls may not be enough and acting out in this way is her little child’s was of expressing that. She will s not capable of understanding financial difficulties or I not seeing both being with her dad.
Could be it’s just wrenching to be with her dad a whole month & then knowing she won’t see him for a whole year after that & she is protecting her broken heart.
Or could be she has to leave her friends & doesn’t have any @ her dad’s, or one of her friends @ his house was mean or didn’t want to be her friend anymore & she associates that hurt with her father.
Or, or, or… Get her in therapy ASAP to get to the root of the problem. I hope it’s something fairly benign.