My 9-year-old daughter is at her fathers for the holidays but she is absolutley miserable. We have a custody agreement that says he gets her on Thanksgiving this year but it’s to the point where I feel horrible to send her there, but legally, I know that I have too. At what point is this the childs choice? She adores her dad but she doesn’t get along with his new wifes kids and I know this is the reason she doesn’t want to be there. I am torn beacause I want her spending time with him but I also don’t want her to fall into a depression due to being there. Help?
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Once they turn 10 it’s their choice
Talk to her dad
Depending on your state- some is 13 16 etc
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I think it depends on the state but I think in NC you can decide at age 12. Idk my dad always let me go back home when I was miserable so idk 
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Talk to her dad. At the end of the day she is his child. He should care.
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It differs state to state as far as the age thing goes. I’d try and find out the issues behind her not getting along with the other kids. There’s a problem there and I’d attack that first before not spending time with her father.
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She’s really still too young to decide but I guess it depends on the judge. If it’s really a problem take him back to court.
Go back to court. You don’t have the power to modify on your own. Been there Mama
It needs to be brought up to her father that his child is being made to feel some time of way. But I would also look it up as it varies by state and you need to make sure that even with a custody agreement it’s their choice so you aren’t held in contempt
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I’d sit down with the father first and explain the situation. Then you two need to talk to your daughter .
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I was 12 when i stopped going.
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I ask you to consider if it were the other way around? Talk to Dad and maybe a counselor for the 3 of you. 
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Shes his daughter to. I would go to him with it. She will also have to learn how to get along with her step siblings
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I would talk to her father and be honest with him as to why she doesn’t want to be there. I would ask him if you can keep her home. I was 12 when I was given the choice.
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Have you tried talking to him about why she doesn’t want to go and seeing if he can come up with a way to help them all get along?
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In Las Vegas the legal age when a
Kid can decide who he/she wants to live with is 12 years old.
In pa its 18. Period
16 in Ohio But ofc you should take in concideration the childs choices as well. Maybe you guys can come to an agreement
Where she can split her time with you both. Otherwise he can file contempt against you for not following the custody agreement.
Talk to her father.
As a mother…whose had a child kept from her it was awful…I understand it’s not the same situation, where you are trying to keep her away, but maybe if he realizes there is a problem he will work to fix it.
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Have a conversation with them both. Not the internet
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In California it goes by whatever the judge says, my 16 year old didn’t get a choice on anything custody or visitation wise
Tell her to let dad know when the other kids are being mean or rude to her. I don’t know if you speaking with him about it will cause problems but you should talk to him too after she tells him. Not cool, poor kid. Hope everything works out.
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Depends on the state. But if he loves her, he should be able to discuss her discomfort and make some compromises. Have you tried talking to him, or have her talk to him about it? Does he dismiss her feelings? That’s something worth bringing up in court if need be. Maybe mention that… if he doesn’t want to hear her, he’ll hear that.
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Definitely have a conversation with her dad. I would involve her in the conversation as well (as long as she’s okay with it) so the dad can hear it from her and not from you about how miserable she is. Keep the conversation light and simple if she is involved and then just you and him talk about it more. If he is concerned about her feelings he will help resolve the issue.
Going through it now with my 8 year old daughter. She hates going to her dads house. Even with her brother, who is 4 years younger. I told her a few more weeks and we go back to court. I know the court at 8 years old, won’t allow her to make the decision. I hope they at least listen to her. She has fallen deep into depression.
I would ley my daughter stay home and tell ex she does not want to go so live with it!!
In WV it’s 14 or 15.
MATURELY sit down as parents and express concerns. Don’t accuse etc but just open the door to say what you’re daughter is feeling. As parents they should listen. (Should)
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I remember one christmas with my dad, my step mom made my brother and I so miserable. I went to bed crying because we just wanted to go home. Unfortunately my dad lived in florida and my mom lived in colorado. That was the last christmas we ever spent with him. You need to talk to him about it, IF you guys are on a level of communication that can handle it. My dad knew we were upset. He knew we didn’t want to be there. I know I wouldnt want my kiddos to feel the way I felt that Christmas. Again, it’s a conversation that is hard and I dont think you should do it If you and her father arent able to communicate in a healthy manner, if not I’d start figuring out what age she can decide on her own.
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She needs to give it her all. Encourage her to talk to her dad not about not going but how to make it better. She has two famlies now no fault of her on but she must find away to blend.
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Are U sure it isn’t your anxieties U r projecting? Kids pick up on these. Also see if it is just teething issues as it often is, a problem shared is a problem halved. They just might not know how to express stuff so it is bigger in their mind. If the father is there and wants a relationship and isn’t doing anything wrong you are really punishing the child more then the parent
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There is not enough detail here of an actual problem. so it is hard to get along with step siblings ok talk to her about what would really make it better not just pitying her, help her grow from the difficult situation vs showing her she can just run from it unless there is something actually malicious, (like abuse) then help her with her skills of handling difficult people she i going to go through this the rest of her life. School, work, in laws. Help her grow
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You and your child need to talk to him.
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I’m currently having to deal with something similar with my 4 year old 
he doesn’t ever want to go over and ask me how many days he has to go till he comes Back, and I also do know what to do because it’s affecting my 4 year old
Sit down with him and visit about how she is feeling. And why. Have her with you and talk it out. He can’t fix it if he isn’t clued in.
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It’s 13 here. I would talk to her dad, maybe he’s not aware she is feeling this way.
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You should have dad over and discuss issues with him, then together talk with your daughter
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Maybe mention it to him, if she doesn’t want to and he can set something up where they have one on one time and also family time. That’s a tough one.
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Doesn’t the court system say 12? Talk to her dad. Maybe he doesn’t know she’s miserable.
Have you & her dad spoken about it? Are the step kids bullying her? I think you need to start with that.
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I guess every situation is different, but I think kids can change from day to day about what parent they want to spend time with. Unless there are safety concerns I would give it some time. It might resolve itself.
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Maybe she needs to have a conversation with her father and she should tell him, it’s big girl stuff that she will have to do eventually.
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Then SHE needs to express that to her dad she is 9 she can speak for herself…
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Yea my daughter is 9 a straight out told her dad she was not flying to him …
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In pa they can choose at 14… But honestly if she is that unhappy with going,have her write her dad a letter explaining how she feels, that’s what I,have my kids do if they can’t do it over the phone.
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When I was little my dad had me every other weekend. His new wife had a daughter my age but we just didnt get along totally different people. His wifes daughter would go to her dads on my weekends to stay with my dad. It worked alot better
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If he is a good and loving father, there is no good enough reason she shouldn’t be going. Half the time kids don’t want to go to the other parent’s house. Oh well! It isn’t their choice, they are kids. If the roles were reversed, I promise you she would have the same feelings about going to your house at times. Their feelings flip flop a lot.
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Dad should try mediation with all the kids and hopefully work out a plan more comfortable for your daughter to be there. Also maybe the dad wouldn’t mind switching something else and letting her stay home this holiday 🤷 negotiate a new plan if possible. Good luck
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In Mississippi it’s 12. But you have to get a lawyer and take him to court. She can’t just decide and you do it. You will be in contempt.
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Go back to court and make it the child’s decision through court because she’s old enough to know where she wants to go
You need to talk to her father and her together. Be honest.
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I think there is an age when the child can make the choice if they speak up at court.
Why don’t u just sit down and talk to her dad and dads gf and see what’s the problem always try to communicate before taking a big decision like going back to court.
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Talk to her dad and always be positive when you talk to her. Make sure its not a “other kids” thing.
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I would say send her and make it known to her and dad that if she wants to come home early she can. Dad should understand. (In a perfect world right?)
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At age 14 the kids get to choice if they want to be there or not
Not getting along with people is not something you need to shelter her from. She’s getting practice for when she’s an adult. She’s not gonna like everyone all the time. I’m sure her dad loves her too and has her best interest at heart. It’s very normal not to like step siblings. I hated my step sister when I was 10 just like I hate my boss now.
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Different states have different ages. But that doesn’t mean whatever the kid wants the kid gets. It just means that at a certain age a child’s opinion is allowed to be taken into consideration by the judge. More often than not, the judge does whatever he feels is best, regardless of the child’s wants
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Let your daughter tell him how she feels and that she doesn’t want to come but don’t be the voice for her. Some kids have a hard time expressing their feelings to their other parents in fear of hurting feelings but it has to come from your child unfortunately. I literally just went through this with my 8 year old telling her father she didn’t want to come to his house for the summer again after what was an awful experience for her last time.
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Depending on the state I believe its 12 yrs old.
Adversity is big time character building. She may not want to, but one day there will pop up situations that she can get through bc she was allowed to have adversity. As long as there is no neglect or abuse, then Bailing children out robs them of personal growth and trust in themselves. I also suggest having a sit down with just her and her dad for the initial conversation telling him she’s not happy. Otherwise he isn’t given an opportunity to fix it. And try really hard not to jump in and speak for her, even if she’s relayed something you want him to hear. You can call him later to tell him those things. This is more of an exercise in communication, confidence, and trust building skills. Good luck mama! I know the urge to want to pull ur kid from an uncomfortable situation is hard. But just remember that isn’t going to fix the problem and only will create another.
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I would amend the agreement the wife’s kids are the issue. Has he done anything to solve the problem? If not he would have to come see her at home or I’ve seen where agreements stated the so children couldn’t be around when the other child comes. As far as I know child’s choice is 12 but the courts do take in consideration the child’s feelings most of the time
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Have you tried voicing your concerns to him? It could be something less complicated then it seems.
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speak with your ex and explain to him how your daughter is feeling when she’s over there… if she’s not voicing her feelings to him then you need to make him aware and give him a chance to fix things before you go to court and take away his visitation
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Taking away his rights just because she doesn’t like his step kids is kind of petty. Blended families are rough; what if you get step kids and she doesn’t like them? I would be more down to understand why she doesn’t like them and trying to fix it instead of jumping to take her away from her dad. Doesn’t teach her any life lessons about getting along. I had a 14 yo step son who didn’t like my kids because they were 3 and 6 and he just always says he hates all kids. Well that’s not a reason to not come over. And yes there is an age they can choose where they live full time but the parent can still have their visitation until they’re 18 unless deemed and unfit home. And not liking their siblings probably won’t fly in court. So work on a solution or see if she even has a valid complaint about them.
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She is 9 Years Old. She is old enough to make her own choice about who she wants to spend time with. Go back to court and make them change it so she can choose.
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She will be fine unless they are abusing her in some way she will be ok, this could build character and maybe they will learn to get along who knows
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Tp young to decide even though it sucks. Not getting alone with siblings is life nothing much to protect them from. I would have a talk with dad,wife and child see if yall can help with the problems.
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After some of these comments I see why men place so much blame on woman for not seeing there kids. FFS Some of yall are I can see single with no child father in the picture. You can’t control everthing. These are her new siblings. No different then having another child. It takes time and being around each other to adjust. Why would taking his rights away, not letting her go, taking him back to court so he has to see her at your house would even be talked about. There will always be people we don’t like or get alone with. If that’s the biggest thing she has to leave then it’s a great life lesson. We ajust and learn to deal.
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Get your child counciling. Having a third party that the child can build trust with and confide in is very important. If it turns out it’s a jealousy issue with the other kids or simple kids not getting along itll probably be recommended she keep going. But heaven forbid it’s something alot bigger that will give the child to open up and admit it. I’m thankful my father never forced me to go to my mothers. He always made it my choice and I chose to for years untill I got old enough to realize the harm it caused to me. If I had a councilor back then it would have saved me years of pain and years of drug abuse.
Amend the agreement where she see him when they aren’t there she has every right to her feelings and deserves an enjoyable time … just because you’re both divorced and may ornately not have moved in does she deserve to be in an environment with miserable kids that make her uncomfortable
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I haven’t read through comments and therefore I do not know if this has been asked and answered. Do you know why she doesn’t like the new step siblings? Has the reasons why been brought to her father’s attention? You have not said and bad word about her father so you must think highly of him as a father. Can he assist?
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Take her to a psychologist have her talk to them about what she’s been going through then you can go back through the courts because you have a professional on your side and your child’s side
Have her sit down with you,the father and his wife and tell him herself,but beforehand assure her that no one will be nasty or yelling at her for being honest
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Maybe you and her can sit down with dad and have a talk about it. I agree with most comments above siblings fight and If they are married then she needs to understand the are going to be there also. Maybe he can spend some more one on one time with her too to try and help the situation.
State of Louisiana it’s 12 my kids are same way when they have to see bio dad but most the time they just go to his mom’s bc bio dad is on drugs (meth and stuff) and he’s a crazy person literally diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenia but refuses to take meds and I have an arrangement were If he wants to have kids it has to be supervised by his mom (I trust her she ain’t gonna let anything happen to her grandkids) so my advice if you have a good co-parenting relationship and his mom or dad is around see if he’ll let her stay there till for a while to get her away from the caos or talk to him about just letting her come home early this time and then sit down with them both and had daughter explain to dad what’s goin on why she doesn’t wanna be there. There has to be a reason why she dont like her step siblings are they mean to her? Do they treat her bad? Have her explain to her dad
I understand, but unless it’s detrimental everyone has to learn to tolerate one another just like if you and her father were married. Children do not run the show this is a big mistake in divorce situations. Adults only sit down and talk to see what can be done for the kids to get along.
This is what gets me. The courts now should say ok the kids get the choice when they wanto to go visit and,who they want to live with
Unless the child is getting physically or mentally abused she needs to stay and get over it. Blended families take time to adjust.
See Im in this boat where i believe the visits are HIS and HER visits. The step children are not entitled to their visits. They are for her and him. So if she doesn’t like them and are going to ruin her time with him, it may need to be drawn up in a different way. It’s HER time. Not theirs. I would be really angry that someone else’s children are ruining my child’s time with her father.
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If your daughter is able to express herself in regards to her desire & why she should make the decision. Encourage her to contact her law guardian to discuss what she wants. Be careful to keep any if your personal thoughts or influence out of her decision.
That’s a hard one cause that seems silly to not to go see her dad over that but at the same time I get it but legally you have to send her. Maybe you could see with courts if maybe your daughter can start deciding if she wants to or not but in the meantime you still have to send her. I would definitely be talking to her father about the problem
She will be traumatised if you force her to go i wouldnt force her she should be allowed to express her feelings to her father and see what he says then take it from there
It varies from state to state I believe. Talk to them and see if you can come up with something new. So that way she still spends time with her dad during holidays. But maybe also get just some exclusive time with him. Time that she gets without the other kids
I have court papers with my kids father and my youngest son is 2, almost 3, he seen his father maybe 6 times in the last 2 years… He will scream if I tell him he’s going… His father asks him and he says "no I’m staying with mommy " and he says okay and that’s the end of that… My older 3 kids ages, 3 and 4 love going to there fathers when they get the chance… I’ll never force my kids to go somewhere they are uncomfortable
Here its 14 yrs old you can choose
She needs to tough it out. Dad isn’t going to get rid of new wife and her kids just because she doesn’t like them. She needs to learn tolerance, it’s part of life.
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Maybe just for the day?
Maybe u can talk to her dad.
She is 9. It’s about sharing at this point. Sharing her dad and sharing her stuff. She has to learn to get along with other people . Sit down and talk to her, maybe you her father can talk to her first then add in the step mom. Make sure she knows that her dad still loves her and is there for her. The other kids are not going to replace her just to share in her life
The father and new wife need to discipline the other kids if they are harassing her etc.
My daughter is 10. She was always unhappy going to her dad’s house. It was also the rule in the dads house that she is not allowed to speak about what goes on in their family life. Few months down the line my daughter 9 at that stage came to me and said she had to tell me something. Her step brother was kicking, dragging her by her hair and locking her in rooms and cupboards. Her dad did not want to believe her and now resents her. A psychologist also confirmed all of this, The past weekend was the first time in more than a year that she decided that she is ready to sleepover for 1 night. My little girl told me that she needs to learn to “tough it out”. I am so proud of her. I would never force my kids to go somewhere if I suspect something is wrong. In the same breath,I would never keep them from their dad, sometimes you do need to stand up for your kids (like with his step son).
There may be something she doesn’t want to say or tell going on. There also might not be but I wouldn’t jump to a conclusion that it’s selfishness. She needs to be heard either way.
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You and her dad need to discuss this and make a decision of what to do. Ask your daughter for an explanation of why she doesn’t want to go. It may not be what you think it is!
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Look at the age limit where the judge will listen to the child. Usually 12 yrs old and the child can decide when who and where . But u can go back to court & have a clause put in that neither of the parents can have other mates around the child. However all that will cause more issues i beleive. I would call a family meeting & have the issues brought to the table, maybe there is a miss understanding that needs to be brought to light and delt with
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Unless there is some kind of abuse you need to have her dad’s back and tell her that she is lucky she has another loving family and home. Kids will always try to play both sides and get what they want. Until she knows that you will completely support her father and not give in to her Dramatics, she will continue to try to do this. I know it’s hard to support that, but it is so important for children to have both parents in their life. They are not old enough to choose whether they want to go or not until they are 18. Kids will be dramatic and choose what’s easiest or where they have the most friends. That is not fair to either parent.
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You need to get to the bottom of why she does not like to go. Discuss it with her father. Let him deal with it at his home. If he can’t resolve the situation if the issue is the steps. I would discuss a different visitation. Maybe when the step kids are at their fathers or grandparents. Your daughter should not be forced into a situation she is not comfortable in.
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I think it’s time to get her and dad together for a serious talk. Then He needs to get her and the new wife together for a serious talk and stress the importance of her feelings on the matter. She shouldn’t have to be stressing when she gets to be with her Dad. If this were happening to the other children, I’m pretty sure their Mother would want the same for her children.There has to be some type of Family talk with her and the other children so that all are on the same page. There may be a bit of Jealousy on both sides No child should be treated differently than the other.
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She’s fine if she isn’t being abused. You need to encourage her to visit her other family members, no kid gets depressed because they are visiting their Dad. Don’t make excuses for her her or allow her to be dramatic.
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Go to court and change the visitation schedule. It’s in the best interest of the children, the court will honor ur request
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