I’m at my witts end with my 11year old daughter. She lies about everything…and I mean everything. I can’t trust her to do her chores properly, I can’t trust her when she says she doesn’t steal things from school. No matter what I take away or chores I add on it, she doesn’t change…she did nothing all summer and worked with her dad and even then lied about pulling weeds…I dont know what to do anymore it’s causing serious problems…
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First off… ignore the people who are criticizing and pointing fingers. Just the fact that you came here to ask advice means you are trying to be a good parent and figure out how to help your child. It takes courage to admit as a parent that you need help, so good job!
Second… Counseling. Definitely counseling. If you can’t afford it (please try), then maybe the school has some resources to help. Counseling is to help your child work through whatever is going on but also for you as a mom to help her work through stuff in a constructive way. The counselor can give you both tools that you may have not been aware of or viewpoints that you hadn’t seen before. And some kids just are not comfy sharing issues with their parents. Not a reflection on you as a parent, it’s just a teen/pre-teen thing sometimes.
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Sometimes you’re the problem instead of blaming her look at the yourself and make sure you’re expectations are realistic and geared towards her abilities not what you expect
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I would say it’s your reaction. I say this being a mom of three. My oldest lied about everything under the sun, and I can say I caused that. I would overreact to EVERYTHING. I wish it wasn’t true but it WAS. I realized what I was doing and changed it. Since we have a better relationship. I’m not saying it is you, I’m saying from experience it MAY be you. Good luck raising kids is tough and teaches you so much about yourself you never realized before.
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I think counseling would be of a benefit. That being said, you didn’t say what she’s lying about. Does she exaggerate and say that she pulled weeds from a full city block, when in reality it was a 10x6 feet flower garden or is she telling lies that could result in harm to her or others. Sometimes lies are a survival mechanism, a means of avoiding drama over doing or not doing something. Other times it’s a way to look and feel more accomplished. Either way, you need to find out what her trigger is. Please don’t be overly harsh until such time as you understand what is going on. We all need to understand what they are dealing with before we overreact. It’s very easy to make the bad behavior become their self image. Child suicide is a real thing.
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I told my daughters who are a bit younger, if you tell me the truth I won’t be upset, we can come up with a positive outcome but if you lie and i later find out there will be consequences for your actions. And it’s worked for the most part. But they didn’t lie about silly things like not weeding.
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Talk to her and get in touch with the School psychologist
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Therapie and take everything but a change of clothes. Then you’ll know if she has stolen anything since you’ll be able to see it. Can’t lie about chores or working extra as punishment if your standing right there watching her.
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There’s not a punishment that fixes this. She needs counseling so a professional can help her figure out the reason for it.
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Counseling and how is she in school…do you see her struggling at all…this can also be a ADHD trate… but definitely get her into Counseling…little kids …little problems…the older they get could get more serious.
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As a child who lied, I’m telling you a harsh truth.
You’re doing something that makes her want to not tell. you the truth.
The way you’re reacting, what you’re doing, idk what it is. But if she wasn’t afraid of your actions she wouldn’t feel the need to lie to you
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You should take a parenting class 
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I agree with Chelsey. If kids are scared of our reactions then they lie more. I’ve had this issue with my kids. I have 3 sons and 2 daughters. Also its about shame as well. Kids don’t want to feel public shame. I say sit her down and have an honest talk with her and let her know that we all make mistakes and do wrong things, but we need to admit this things so we can grow. I also tell my kids that trust is easy to lose and hard to gain. Coming to me honestly is the best way to move forward and right a wrong.
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Does she have a reason for lying? That’s the real question.
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This can be a major sign of ADHD. I would highly recommend speaking to your child’s PCP about this.
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“She did nothing and worked with her dad”
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Nothing works. My daughter started about 11 too. She is now 16 and lies about EVERYTHING!!! She has been in counseling and has a case manager who works with her one on one. She has been doing this for 5 years. If you figure out what works please let me know. Ik how frustrating it can be.
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Kids lie out of fear. Of rejection, punishment, judgement…being overly criticized….what are your reactions when she does something wrong? There’s your root. Start there. This child is incredibly insecure and doesn’t feel you are safe. 
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I wish i had advice. I recently set up a counseling appointment because my son is the same way. He will do fine for a little bit and follow rules not lie etc. Then out of nowhere were back to lying, taking and hiding things he hasn’t asked to use, and him being disrespectful and mean. I’ve brought it all up to his Dr and she didn’t seem to care. So I’m hoping counseling will help at this point. I’ve talked and explained im going to be more upset if I find out you lied, gone and above and beyond to reward good behavior, and I’ve disciplined as far as working off debts for things he’s taken, writing sentences or apology letters, standing in the corner and taking electronics. None of it lasts for long.
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Tell her school counselor that you’re having problems with your daughters behavior. They will guide you in the right direction and it will be written down that mother called for support.
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I always tell my kids if u tell me the truth i wont get mad. I do say I may be upset but not mad at u. They dont lie . 3.5 and 9 yrs old. It works. U have to not expect too much and kids go by how u act when something takes place. U need to use ur calm voice and not get loud, come to her level eye to eye and speak nice. It works.
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I’m not trying to pass blame or what not but I’ve seen this before and the kid started off not lying at all but slowly built up to it because of home stresses I think some parents yell and scream and are way strict with kids and instead of having to face that they’ll lie. So if your doing that maybe you could try therapy together and just for her so you can both deal with issues appropriately. Also, just one on one ask your daughter why she does it and if you make her feel like she’ll be in trouble and that’s why she lied?
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This is the age where people start expecting too much from kids because they looks so much different then they did when they were 3. But the truth is their brain is still developing. Are you harsh or judgmental? Are you trying to put adult standards on a kid? I say this because I’ve been there & come to find it was me. Once I stopped expecting so much and gave her room to make mistakes she stopped lying so much.
And some of this is also kind of normal: you don’t remember trying to convince your parents you didn’t have homework, were done cleaning, etc? Middle school is also a really hard transition from elementary and can be overwhelming. Puberty and their friends are also taking a front row in their life. They need space to make mistakes.
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I agree with everyone suggesting counseling, but it needs to be family counseling. Your daughter is lying about mundane things for a reason, and that reason often involves the parents
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Counseling either from the school or a therapist. This sounds like symptoms to a problem. Maybe family therapy as well.
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Parasitic infestation. Try cleaning that up. Bet she will calm down.
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There’s a reason why she’s lying. 
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My daughter did the same thing… Then more… She became extremely depressed and even started self harming… I got her a therapist and it finally started working… Is everything fixed?? No, because she’s a kid (13). It’s so much better now though
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She could be hiding something larger and feels as if lying helps her. Also, if you don’t seem like a very trustworthy person to talk about things, lying is the only answer in her mind. I lied as a kid because my dad was religious and treated me like a slave. He never listened to me and said kids were to “submit” to adults. I got raped at 13 and didn’t tell him until I almost bled to death. I hated talking to my dad because Jesus was always involved. She may not feel safe or like she can open up to you. Be her safe place and that’s where the balance of being her parent and bestfriend comes in. You can and should be both.
Sounds normal to me, having raised 5 teenagers and grand children. Taking things away, adding chores on won’t work. Try understanding, talking, a few treats.
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I would seek help professional help immediately, my daughter did that around that age and we found out she was depressed, cutting herself, and had severe anxiety. Seek help for her
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Always lying is a serious signal. Get professional assistance asap
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Counseling. I lied because I hated myself THAT much…my brain rewrote…“me” I blame my BPD. Tho they do not list it as a valid symptom…
That’s partly because lying in BPD is generally not pathological; rather, it’s a misguided attempt to avoid abandonment.
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Get in contact with mental health care in your area. I’d do a parasite clean up, and also start making changes to diet. People will laugh but our food is connected to so much, and people are to busy indulging to want to take notice or give up what they don’t need for their health mental and physical.
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Have trusted adults…family members, teachers, coaches, fellow sports/extracurricular moms & dads, people from church write her letters telling her how disappointed they are, how lying isnt okay because it erodes trust, how big kids are supposed to be role models for younger kids, etc. A fellow dance mom asked me to write to her daughter when she was exhibiting bad behavior and lying (my daughter is 2 years younger). All the emails and letters definitely helped.
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I reassure my kids I’ll be more mad if they lie then tell the truth so what ever it is how ever it sounds tell the truth and it takes a little pushing but eventually I manage to get an honest answer. Maybe she is easily ashamed, maybe you’ve responded in ways that make her feel nervous and so she lies ? Maybe it’s a DEFFENSE mechanism her way of regaining control over a situation. I think at this age therapy would be good for the both of you guys, so you have a better understanding on how to interpret her and how to help her. Best of luck mama. It’s hard.
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Is everything okay at her house with you the parents maybe there’s something going on in her own house she probably will talk to a stranger before she’ll talk to her parents if you don’t have a relationship with her I hope everything turns out okay prayers coming your way
I’m old school, but getting your ass wiped works everytime.
Sorry with this as heartless as this will sound she needs help and not from u. I get ur her mother and as little or how ever big these lies are scared for her future and getting into a lot of trouble. My only advice is to maybe sit down with her and don’t yell or scream but try to ask her why she does this? She’s at a crazy age. I get it might be hard to just sit and talk but maybe either u or someone can find the base of the issue. Some kids don’t feel comfortable talking to their parents but maybe she can tell someone else why. I hope for the best for u hunni. Parenting is hard and frustrating but I know u can be strong and figure something out. Prayers sent ur way
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Is she just lying to you or everyone else though as well ? I think that’s the real question
Kids these days so coddled. Bust her ass
Dee Mariano Jr. Dawterrrrr
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Tbh it sounds like she’s rebelling and there’s more than likely a deeper reason for why she feels she needs to lie about everything
take everything away. except her bed and clothes, she’ll learn to earn her toys, and privileges back
Apart from going straight to punishing - have you actually sat down with her and asked her why?
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Do what I did show her a video of juvenile detention centers explaining this is what happens when you steal and lie. Then get her counselling
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Get her into a psychologist and do some self reflection and see if maybe you’re adding to the problem without realizing it
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Seek professional help
Kids lie because they can’t trust the adult they’re with.
My son did this I found out he has odd. Definitely look into having her checked and try to find someone she can talk to. When I got my sons diagnosis it was easier for me to understand why he was doing it. He still struggles but he’s gotten better since therapy and having an iep.
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I think some mental health would benefit her.
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Does she have any siblings?
Maybe you need to have a more open relationship and lines of communication with her. Is she scared of telling you the truth?
I’ve found the best way is to talk about everything. Let them know you won’t be angry if the slip behind in things or don’t excel with everything.
It seems lying is her way out as telling the truth only gets her reprimanded
Some parents seem to forget that they hold responsibility in the way their children behave, particularly when their children are that young. Do some self-reflection and figure out your role before jumping straight into harsh punishments. I understand the importance of holding kiddos accountable for their actions but it is equally important to hold yourself accountable. Talk to your kid, see what’s going on, and if necessary contact a counselor so your child can learn how to cope with potentially big emotions and problems.
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Cannot even believe all the advice directed at fixing the child and not the parent. Wtf is going on here??? Some of these suggestions are scary.
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Sounds like my 10 year old. So I’m deff following this post.
Could she have autism or adhd?
Counseling like everyone said is huge. And also if she sees a negative reaction from you about the truth…she will lie. Even what she did is bad…youve got to stay calm…find a solution to what she did bad…and help fix it in a positive way. Weather its apologing to someone, writing a letter, wanting something and stealing…have her take it back. But chores…just tell her she cant do anything until chores are done and approved. Or she cant start chores until someone is watching. Wanna act like a child get treated like one. Kids will lie and see where they can get from it. Praise good and corrext bad in a positive way. Embarrassment sometimes works in certain situtions because ive gone to school with one of my boys. But you got this momma. Dont give up or give in. Just find a new approach.
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It’s a call for help. Get her into counseling.
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There’s usually an underlying issue when a child is lying that much. Whether it be they feel unsafe telling the truth due to always getting in trouble, etc. But adding more punishment isn’t going to solve the problem. Infact it will make it worse. I’d look into things YOU can do yourself to try to gain trust back so she feels comfortable talking to you.
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Following because same!!
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She is showing signs of ADHD get her checked.
Is she struggling in school …
This is ADHD trate an often with help will get better with consistency
Wow she’s only 11 and everyone is acting like she’s a full blown criminal. What is she stealing from school? It could be something as simple as she’s picked up one of schools pencils and everyone wants to throw her in counselling. Stealing is always wrong but you dont say what shes taking to know why. I find people lie when they’re worried about the reaction if they tell the truth. At 11 I’d be sitting down with her and having a proper conversation and actually listening to her side of things. The more open you are, the more open and trusting she will be with you. Some kids do things for a reaction and some just can’t be bothered with chores and try to get out of them or do half a job of whatever it is. You said she did nothing all summer but worked with her dad? She’s 11…
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Sounds like mine from 11 till ……… 
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Make her write sentences. My 11 year old son lies constantly and when I catch him in lies I make him write 150 sentences
I was bad about lying when I was younger because there was no positive reinforcement from my parents. When they checked if I did something they weren’t trying to positively praise me they were just always looking for something I did wrong. Cut her some slack and maybe see if you’re angle of parenting can be adjusted before you just assume she’s doing it because she likes lying.
Take her to counseling
There might be an underlying issues going on. I would think about therapy. Also, with my daughter we have a time set aside at night where it’s a “total free zone” meaning in those ten minutes she can tell me anything that happened during the day without getting disciplined. Now, that’s not to say she won’t be disciplined for it later on if it’s something that needs to be addressed. However, during those ten minutes it’s a time for us to discuss things through logically. This has honestly helped me also with how I handle some things with her growing up. I don’t yell, I calmly listen and this helps me formulate a proper discipline for her if it is required. Sometimes as parents we don’t listen all the way through without jumping to conclusions or get the whole story right away. We need to remember they are children and it takes time for them to formulate exactly what they are trying to say. If it needs to be longer than ten minutes then I obviously extend the time, but this has helped me so much in the fast few years bc she knows she doesn’t have to lie to me about anything.
Professional counselor
Get her very excited to go to a theme park!! I mean the full package then crush it! That’s imho
kids:teenagers all have issues of their own, they take everything personally because that’s all they know if that’s how they are raised too express their feelings and intentions without being judged, and just take baby steps.
BEING A PARENT DOES NOT COME WITH INSTRUCTIONS AND I CANNOT SAY IT ENOUGH
The same way you are learning so are they, talk to them they way you should’ve been talked too, there is no such thing as gentle parenting, it’s all about HOW you do it.
HOW YOU COMMUNICATE
HOW YOU SAY THINGS
HOW THE TONE OF YOUR VOICE SETS THE SETTING
HOW YOU COME OFF TO YOUR KIDS
HOW YOU PRESENT YOURSELF TOO THEM.
do the best you can.
be the best mom you can be.
use your judgment the best you can to deal with situations.
Usually kids start lying because of the way parents react to the truth. Therapy could help a lot as well so she has someone on the outside to talk about things with no judgment or punishment.
Harsher consequences, what ever is the current consequence, isn’t working
My nephew is like this he’s 17 now and still has some issues with it. He has Bipolar depression so to him everything is exaggerated!
My 11 year old is constantly lying and stealing too, I’m also at the end of my rope and have no idea what to do. I’m definitely looking through these comments to see what some others say.
My other 4 are perfectly well behaved (with the exception of age appropriate behaviors and tantrums)… so I’m so lost.
And she’s also in therapy, so idk.
She is looking for your reaction. If you “ask” her to put her clothes in the laundry or pick up all the clothes off her bedroom floor and she said she did but put them under her bed don’t point out the lie use a positive reinforcement like your bedroom looks great you did such a great job. It could be the same think at school she needs more positive statements and reinforcements. She might steal to get your reaction or attention.
Also, feel free to add me. Maybe as struggling parents of the same thing, we can brain storm and figure out another way to approach things.
Kids lie because they are scared and don’t trust their parents.
Mine was the same way and I took her to the juvenile detention center and did the scare program. Works.
This could be a symptom of adhd. Get her evaluated for adhd
Plzzzz my daughter in her thirty’s and still lies .she can write a book about lies and it’s sad cause you never know and if serious . So the lying smh idk. That’s a hard one.
In my experience kids lie to test boundaries and see if you still love them. Testing the bounds of unconditional love
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You need to make her accountable. Follow up and double check she has done the things she is supposed to do and then watch or wait for her to do them. For instance if she is supposed to weed with her Dad I would drive her over there and grab a drink and wait while she does it. She’s not getting back in my car til she does it to my satisfaction and then she would be grounded and punished for lying. No phone, no computer etc
If you find stolen things. Take her to teacher or person and force her to return and apologize. Embarrass her, humiliation is a very good incentive and consequence to help from being a shitty person.
I told my kids, no one likes a liar.
Not doing chores properly? Ok, do it right the first time or I’ll undo it and you can do it again. You won’t do ANYTHING until it’s done the right way. She don’t need therapy…what the hell. She needs discipline. Stealing? Watch me steal from you. Favorite outfit? Bye. Phone? Bye.
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sounds like my 11 yr old daughter
If it’s that serious, I would take her to counseling and go with her to make sure gets there. Just saying. Good luck and God bless.
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Take everything from her. No TV, no toys, no electronics, no friends. And tell her why. Lying is very important and could lead to bad things depending what she see about. Making a counselor/therapist ??
Counseling start there ! Remember breath!
Don’t worry too much… is the age she will get better nothing to be concern about
Still a kid
I’m on the same boat with my 11 year old son. I’ve tried counseling, punishment and etc. What does seem to work is I will babysit him doing chores, I will check if they said they did a chore, I will make them redo the chore if not done correctly or half done, I will make him stay in the house, I will take away Xbox, and etc. I will reward him if he does it right and the reward can be cash (no more than 10 bucks), extra time on the Xbox, something he really wants or wants to do, vbucks for Fortnite etc. As for lying, I will follow up with the school, the friends parents and etc. Counseling doesn’t really help much there. I also punish accordingly.
This is what happens when you don’t crack down when they’re younger.
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Maybe lower expectations.
Usually it’s because of the fear of the reactions from a parent. You have to let me know she is safe telling you the truth. Have a heart to heart with her. Build a trusting bond.
Tell her to read the book the boy who cried wolf. Good luck with your daughter hope you can come to trust her again 
Bring to Church ? I mean a proper one. Like a traditional church etc. Or smth . Biblical ones. If all fails. Consider this. Or bring to counsellor??.
Try different methods?–
There is such thing as a pathological liar! It’s just something she can’t control she needs to get professional help.
Maybe she wants the extra attention? Some kids are like that
Strip everything out her room other than her bed that way she’s not stealing she does certain things she earns stuff back it starts again back to square one until she learns
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