I need help. I have been divorced for two years now and have four sons, 18, 16, 14, and 6. My ex and I do not know co-parent well; well, I think he crossed a line. I told one of my sons he can’t go stay with friends for a few days (female friends). Well, a few days later, he asked to go spend some time with dad. I found out dad dropped him off at the friends’ house to stay a few days. Dad tells me it isn’t any of my business what he lets the kids do, then tells me how much of a bad mom I am cause I said no to our son. Kids come home from dad’s sad and tell me all the bad things dad says about me. What can I do?
122 Likes
As crappy as this sounds there’s not much to do in this situation. Changing anything custody wise could cause more resentment from your children in the future. You’re not a bad parent for saying no to your kids and trust me they will respect you more later on for not saying crappy things about him and respect him less for the way he talks about you.
Do you have a court ordered parenting plan in place? He is absolutely violating it by talking bad about you and not cow parenting effectively. It’s hard to prove unless you receive text messages from your children regarding what your ex says. The courts like documented proof.
Until then, stop listening to what he tells the kids. They don’t need to tell you everything he says. It’s toxic for you and them. Instead make it a fun family night when they come home from your ex’s house. Cook their favorite foods and watch a movie.
And as far as your son goes, this may not be a popular opinion but he needs to learn the consequences of playing one parent against each other. He should get punished for disrespecting you otherwise he will treat women the same way your ex does. This comes from experience. I watch this dynamic with my nephew.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My ex disregards my parenting when my kids are with him and talks badly about me: Advice? - Mamas Uncut
It’s none of your business what he does in his home. His house his rules.
19 Likes
Let them live with dad 100% of the time. He’ll get sick of the responsibility & they’ll get sick of him. They’ll come back with a new appreciation for you. Or they’ll stay & you’re done with the responsibility.
12 Likes
His time is his time 
nothing you can do… you might not like it but he’s got a point it is really none of your business what he does/let’s the kids do on HIS time… and if the kids tell you all the bad things he says honestly tell the kids to ignore it or not to tell you Sarah Diveley
1 Like
What happens at his house with his kids is his business.
I’m not sure there really is much you can do. As long as he isn’t putting them in danger or abusing them he can make his own rules when they are there.
His time is his time. He was right about it’s not your business when they are with him, not yours. He shouldn’t talk badly about you though. You have to to realize you can’t control everything. You parent how you do on your time and he does how he does on his. Unless they are in legit danger then neither one of you have a say what the other does. The only time either of you have a say in what the other does is if they are in danger. Tell the children that anything negative he has to say you can’t control but you wouldn’t do that to him out of respect and you wish he’d do the same. Set a better example, they’ll see that.
6 Likes
How old is the son in question who asked to stay with female friends? N what dad does with the kids at his house there’s nun u can do abt it
Sons are of an age to speak up & defend you. Also an age to play you against eachother.
4 Likes
Unless there is a parenting order in place, nothing you can do.
Word of advice from experience with this for six years. The more you fight it the more tension it puts between the whole family. The kids see and feel it. Letting go of the control factor of what they do is very hard but you have to learn to do it. It’s def not easy. The more you let go the easier it is for everyone. You can’t control what he says about you but your kids will understand later on and resent him for it. Let him keep shooting himself in the foot. You do you and unless they come back harmed let it go mama.
9 Likes
He should respect the fact that you said no about staying the night at a females house!! They are still kids and don’t even know the consequences of their actions if they are going to be sleeping together. Idk how all of y’all can be telling her that it’s none of her business! They’re her kids too! They are her business!!!
21 Likes
Sorry if hes 18… not your choice… dads house dads rules
2 Likes
I see you mentioned you have an 18 year old. If this is the son you are refering to, he is legally an adult and he can go wherever he wants…
5 Likes
He’s making you the bad guy! Not much really you can do except talk to your boys.
1 Like
10 to 1 odds you divorced him for the same reason. You either let him parent his way on his time (which is why it’s called his time) or go to court and don’t let them see their dad which that will make you a terrible parent for that. A lot of people deal with this. It’s called suck it up and stop bitching. Just let it roll off your shoulders
It’s a lose lose situation. If you guys were in the same house and one of your children asked you for something and you told them no, so they ask their dad, it’s manipulation. They do it in separate households to get their way and it’s “none of your business”… Well the parents still need to communicate and relay that the child was told no. By him letting them go it’s just him trying to be the “more liked” parent. It’s a petty game in my opinion and that honestly never works. It doesn’t pay to be the cool parent or a friend to your child. They need discipline.
2 Likes
There are so many things I wish I would change at my ex husband’s house while our kids visit him. But I can’t. All I can control is what happens at my house. The whole things being your business thing is a fine line. The only thing that is your business while in his care is their safety… my ex and I have polar opposite households. Its best to let go of what you cannot control and don’t let it eat at you. I finally learned after a few years of conflict with it. Good luck
1 Like
Listen to your kids, shrug your shoulders and completely go back to having a good day with your kids.
Do you have a court parenting agreement? You sadly can’t do anything about how he parents or what he does with his time, however most agreements usually have a clause where parents can NOT talk bad about the other in front of the children. I have that standard in mine so I’d look at that or go back to add that. The other stuff though you can’t control
5 Likes
There is nothing you can do, as far as what he lets them do and not do. But they are old enough to tell him to stop badmouthing you, they get he is angry and does not like you, nothing you can do about that other than telling them to say they don’t want to hear it. Be the bigger person and never badmouth their father around them they will realize what is going on sooner or later.
1 Like
Parent alienation is against the law.
2 Likes
Its dads time its none of ur business what dad does in his home. But ur ex shouldnt talk bad about you to the kids when they are with him. Nothing much you can do about it. You cant control what dad does or say at his house.
4 Likes
I was in similar situation but different if it makes sense it was with my mother crazy as it sounds she would feel my kids head with negativity about me I didn’t know til kids were older trying to turn them against me long story short it backfired on her as they get older the truth will be revealed kids aren’t blind
1 Like
Nothing you can do about it. How you parent at your house and your rules are up to you. What he does at his house…up to him. Sucks but that’s the way it is.
As for talking badly about you…one day they will grow up and resent him for that.
1 Like
His time is his time and his business, not yours. You can only control your own household, not his. However, the badmouthing in front of the kids is troubling and could be considered a form of parental alienation in some jurisdictions.
3 Likes
Do not stoop to his level and speak badly of him in return. There isn’t much you can do but have class and let him be a snake. Unfortunately your kids will see how he is.
1 Like
Nothing. He’s right tho, you can’t tell him what to do or not do on his time
4 Likes
In my court order it states that is adults are NOT aloud to talk badly about the other(especially on social media) but it doesn’t work. Co-parenting w a narcissist. 
7 Likes
His time an he can do whatever he wants he is right none of your business, but he should not be talking bad about you to the kids.
10 Likes
You can’t control what happens at your ex’s but you can control your actions and parenting. Have an open family discussion with them about the rules you have in place at your house and why you’re saying no to certain situations. Let them know you find it unacceptable for them to ask your permission and then turn around and ask their Dad knowing how you felt about the situation. Then listen to their thoughts and feedback and as the situation allows you can try to come up with a compromise that works for you and them. As far as their Dad talking about you there’s nothing you can really do about that other than acknowledging/sympathizing with their feels and having them address it with him. Maybe look into some family therapy for the 5 of you if you feel they’re really struggling.
6 Likes
Unless it puts the child in immediate danger, there’s nothing you can do about his parenting style at his house. 
1 Like
Tell him when your son gets one of these females pregnant or has some drama happen he can raise the kid or handle the drama since he thinks he knows everything
7 Likes
Unfortunately nothing what happens at the other partys stays there unless it’s specified in a court order.
1 Like
There’s nothing you can do, but here soon your child will see him as the fun one and blow off your rules. Don’t be shocked if they ask to live with Dad.
2 Likes
If he is the 18 year old not much either one of you can do. If the 14 or 16 year old I would have a talk with the dad and leave him know if one of them get a girl pregnant the baby is coming to live with him:joy:
. Somethings you can’t change even though each other should respect what the other parent says it doesn’t always work that way. Some things you just have to let go. You know you are a good mother and that’s all that matters who cares what the hell he says. Kids need rules and structure with out that they turn into little assholes. You are doing good.
Honestly sounds like the kids are playing you guys against each othet
1 Like
Talk to lawyer you may need to get law involved
Take the high road. Only speak highly of their father. In the end, you will better respected for it…and he will have put nails in his own coffin. Your boys will grow to be men and they will know! Trust me, I’m speaking from experience.
9 Likes
The badmouthing is a no-no. But he is right, what he chooses to let the kids do during his time is his choice. They weren’t put in any danger, they were just allowed to do something you didn’t want them doing.
But be careful, those kids seem to be using this separation of households to their advantage. If ya’ll don’t get a handle on it, it’ll get worse. As much as ya’ll may not get along, you need to have a strong front together with the kids. Let them know they can’t run to mom or dad just because one says no.
7 Likes
Take his ass to court and let them settle it some judges don’t like bad mouthing at all
Everything them kids do is your business. I would go get court ordered mediation. Then get a court order to keep him from bad mouthing me.
6 Likes
All of these women saying it’s none of your business are WRONG. They are your children as well and you have a right to know what they are doing and who they are with. If something were to happen you would need to know where your child is. This goes both ways. Mom and dad(separated or together) both have the right to know where their children are and who they are with. Period.
22 Likes
Like others have said, nothing you can do about what he lets the kids do at his house. But in my custody agreement there is a section that specifically says we agree not to speak ill of the other parent in front of the kids. This wasn’t something we added in, just part of the standard agreement.
2 Likes
Nothing and technically 3 of your kids are old enough and could legally tell the court they want to live with dad so tread lightly
5 Likes
Nothing really. It’s just how it be sometimes
1 Like
Stop trying to control what your ex does on his time with the kids.
3 Likes
Not okay for him to baah you. Super unhealthy. But also u can’t control what he allows in his home as dad can’t control what u dont allow
1 Like
You can’t do anything. Continue to keep parenting how you do and ensuring your kids know how much you love them. They will get older and see for themselves how much their dad spoke badly about mom.
Do not stoop to that level. Speak only kind about dad (even if he doesn’t deserve it) just remember. The kids are half you and half him. Him speaking badly about you only looks bad on him.
Rise up.
5 Likes
You do nothing
You don’t do the same behaviour in your home
The kids will figure it out one day there not stupid
I mean technically its NOT your business what they do at dads and a judge WILL tell you that to your face and vice versa about you to dad. HOWEVER telling you you’re a bad mom is awful and not ok at all.
2 Likes
Nothing. At most take him to court and the judge may limit his time if he believes he is not being a fit parent but even then, there’s nothing you can do.
My mother would talk badly about my dad ( we lived with him) and my dad never said anything bad about her. And trust me he could have. Should i tell you who i think was a POS & con artist & low life.? And who i love with all my heart & miss him every day ? Kids aren’t stupid. Give it time they will see who is wrong & who is right.
8 Likes
Eh it’s always this bad in the beginning . Lots of emotions involved . I agree with some comments on here … what he does when he has the kids isn’t your concern unless it’s a serious danger to the kids . I don’t always agree with my kids dad and how he parents sometimes . But as long as my kids are physically okay I don’t bud in anymore …
The bad mouthing sucks … and it will happen . Eventually the kids will grow up to see what parent was the problem and that parent will stop .
Taking someone to court only because of bad mouthing is a waste of money and a judge will laugh in your face trust me
2 Likes
I guess all you can do is educate your child as to why you thought it wasn’t a good idea and make sure he’s practicing safe sex and about consent. As far as bad mouthing I would just ask your children if they actually believe that crap he’s spewing and then tell them your side and they’ll form their opinions based off the information given. But I would try to just make sure to avoid doing the same as kids can feel resentful for parents constantly saying negative things.
No matter what he shouldn’t talk bad about you in front of your kids that’s disrespectful to you and they will think that’s how you treat people and that’s wrong .
Fuck getting a lawyer involved. What is wrong with you people? Do you not have the compasity to speak with another human being about serious issues without getting law involved?.. anyway…
If I were you, in that situation and I have had enough of it, I would either try to schedule a time to speak with their father (because yall made the children clearly yall had love for each other at one point) or just go up and ask him if you can have a calm but serious conversation on how to be great coparents together. Let him know that you don’t want to argue but get your concerns out and how to fix it accordingly. Then, if he has issues, write a letter, a nice understanding not condescending, letter. If that doesnt work, hire a mediator.
Until they are 16 or whatever the legal age is where u are, everything they do, you have a right to know. It is you’re business. I wouldn’t allow sleepovers with opposite sex, i barely allow sleepovers in general though unless its with trusted people ( that’s the only reason, aka, safety ). However, their dad doesn’t need to do what you tell him nor does he need to say. It IS courtesy for the both of you to discuss thing’s in regards to you’re children. If you both can’t get along with each other, try to be civil at least. It’s not ok for him to bad mouth you. You’re kid’s will see his true colours and he will regret it. Life is tough, but you’re kid’s are going to have mixed feelings if u both can’t come to some agreement about some things. This is my opinion only, its not necessarily the right one, but I wish you well.
I go through the same thing. My ex and his whole family talk about me to my kids. We’ve been separated 7 years divorced 6. Unfortunately there’s not much you can do. Just make sure you don’t bad mouth him and the kids will eventually see their true colors
1 Like
Not much u can do about 18 yr old, for the rest of u saying it’s not her business what they do on dads time is some bullshit honestly. In most custody agreements it literally stats neither parent should let kids stay with opposite sex so therefore if there were custody in place dad could be given a show cause for not following judges rules, secondly their is also a rule about bad mouthing absent parent in front of children, that’s another show cause. It’s true 2 older possibly 3rd could choose where to live but no one has said dad wants them full time and if mom has any legal reasons that’s not a good idea that could stop that right there regardless of what kids choose since courts know most teens will choose the easier parent where they can get by with most stuff. If I tell my kids dad they aren’t to go somewhere and he lets them anyway without my knowledge that’s a legit reason to go to court. Sorry not sorry
The two oldest know what time it is. They will teach the others. Be a good mom with focus, pray and trust God to take care of everything
Dont be in the middle and dont let what there daddy say bring you down. Tell your sons to love both of you and do what they know to be right.
Thats why we have rules at our our they have rules at there house so there no fighting and the kids know how to act at each house
There is nothing you can do. If it isn’t in a custody order… isn’t abuse… you can’t control how he parents at his house
1 Like
There is nothing you can do about what goes on at his house!! You need to be the bigger person, and not do the same (speaking ugly about the other) you are not going to always agree on raising your kids…but they are also his, and just because you think they shouldn’t do something, doesn’t mean that is the right thing to do! Take care of what’s going on under your roof, and that will keep you so busy, that you won’t have time to worry about what goes on under someone else’s!
I mean, you can’t control what dad does if he’s not putting the kids in danger.
He can step up as grandpa when your son becomes a teenage dad. Now your son is old enough to make his own decisions with whom he wants to live but the grass isn’t always greener.
2 Likes
In most custody agreements through the courts it actually states the other parent is not allowed to speak badly of the other parent so if you have a custody agreement through the court your ex would be in contempt of court but proving it and getting it enforced would be hard
6 Likes
You can go to court and have it so he can’t talk to the kids about you. But that’s about it. What he does with his time with his kids isn’t up to you. He doesn’t need to follow your punishment/discipline choices either. Just cause he’s grounds at your house doesn’t mean he’s grounded at dads. My daughter came home telling me she was grounded 
guess who isn’t when she’s with me. Unless she does something on my time with her she’s not being punished for it.
Not a whole lot you can do. When your kids repeat it to you, ask them if that is what they believe. Point out the truth. Tell them it is more important what they think and believe. And, do not belittle their father. It’s seems to hurt them when unkind things are said about you and it will hurt them just as much if you say unkind things about their dad. Take the high road. If they ask why their dad says things, tell them you don’t know and leave it at that. As far as you telling the kids they can’t do something and then they go to their dad is something you need to discuss with your kids. Of course they are going to ask dad when you say no. And, ad is going to let them if for no other reason than you said they couldn’t. Kids are kids and they are always going to try to get what they want. Just have a conversation with your kids about this explaining why you say no. Good luck and God bless❤
4 Likes
I find it bizarre that people say when the child is with the father/mother its not your business and vice verse, of course its your business its your child. It must be different in America because in England the parent has a say regardless of which parent they are with.
7 Likes
It happens honestly I go through it with my 3 yr old and I just explain to him that energy always has a way of returning to those that harbor I’ll will. This is why we only allow for forgiveness and peace in my home. Don’t get me wrong it took years too learn however I’m glad I learned it young enough to parent correctly and teach my son
2 Likes
I think you should prepare yourself for a drastic/custody change. 3 of your 4 children are old enough to decide where they want to live in almost every state. The harder you are on them the more they will rebel and gravitate to him. Make sure you are being reasonable and communicating with dad. Hopefully you had a good reason for the rule and spoke to dad about the details.
Make a call to child protective services and clue them into his parenting skills( or lack there of)
1 Like
Nothing you can do. My ex-husband always talked bad about me, I never once talked bad about him to my son. Now that my son is older he sees who the bad parent was. My son is 25 and his dad will still talk crap about me.
1 Like
It’s in the papers with my husband him and his ex can’t slander the other one to the kids, it hasn’t always been upheld on the other end but if it is I your papers you need to get it on record or something what they tell you he says. It can be considered contempt
1 Like
Tell your son he can follow your rules or he can be on his own
That is not cool at all. Talk to your boys about it yourself . You’ll know what to say. Since you can’t talk to your ex about it, try explaining that some people get angry and do and say things they shouldn’t. The only thing you can do is open up communication with them without saying anything bad about their Dad, but that it must be confusing and you’re only trying to help them be honest and good people. I’m not trying to be condescending to you, like you know all that.
1 Like
Unfortunately you have 0 control over what happens at Dads house or what Dad does. Just tell them their father loves them, they will figure it out for themselves. Don’t play that game or your kids will be sad at your house too.
2 Likes
If you can’t expect or rely on your ex to respect you or consult with you or co parent , all you can do is try not to allow your children to manipulate and use that situation to get over on you.
So in future ,if your child is being punished by you and not allowed to go to his friends house, then when he asks to go to his Dad’s ,the answer is no. Not until he is off of punishment in your home. You can only enforce your rules in your house. In this situation, if it were me, when your child returns home, the clock would start again on his punishment, and I wouldn’t allow him to go to his friends house again until you decide.
1 Like
It’s a balancing act for sure. All a person can do is be the adult in the room. Don’t fall into the demonizing the other parent for revenge. Consistency and not overreacting in front of the kids will give them the balance and security they need.
They are co-parenting they need to get over their feelings about each other and the father needs to accept the feelings of the mother and compromise.
He’s technically right. You cannot dictate what he does during his visitation time unless its harming the kids. However, in order to co parent successfully for the best outcome for the children, parents need to be on the same page. Do you guys go through the courts? I think yall need to go to mediation to help for this.
2 Likes
Maybe kids shouldn’t go there then without supervised visits with ss…until he takes a parenting class and grows up
4 Likes
Soooo dad’s trying to be an early grandpa or what? 
3 Likes
He is right you can’t not tell him what he can do while he has his time with the kids its his choice just as it is when you have them being your choice and as far as bad mouthing you just tell the kids you can’t help what your dad says or what he does that if they don’t want to go they don’t have to out side of the 6 year old they are old enough to make their own decisions when it comes to going or not
3 Likes
Don’t let it worry you at all. The boy’s will figure it out for themselves…believe in yourself.
4 Likes
I would really hope the situation with the son in regards to staying with friends is not about the 18 year old. At that age, he should be given the ability to make those choices for himself, hopefully with the tools to use good judgment and be smart! As a fellow divorced mom of 4 kids with an ex who has often bad mouthed me to my kids I was often hurt and angry in the beginning as I don’t operate that way. However, as time has gone by I have realized and explained to my children that hurt people often hurt people and we only have control over our own actions and our responses to the actions of others. Love your children and set a proper example and give them the freedom to learn from these experiences and make their decisions accordingly. You can’t control what the other parent is doing unless it is something severe enough to warrant a court case and adjustment to your custody/visitation arrangement, but you CAN teach your children how to be good humans and learn from all of this. Dad’s behavior is a reflection of his skewed perception and lack of maturity. Your boys will gain more from you than you realize!! 
Stay true to you and keep moving forward with the faith that everything will work out.
1 Like
Tell ur kids not to disrespect u and they won’t feel bad when he says things because he will have no reasons too, let ur son know he knows he did wrong and because of him ur talked about. Flip it sometimes people/ children need to see why certain circumstances happen
Nothing. You cannot force your ex to do things your way any more than he can force you to do it his. If you disagree you have few options. Talking bad about him to the kids, will only make things worse.
4 Likes
That’s not dad that’s loser of Man
2 Likes
You and the boys need too sit with a mediator and they gotta tell him how bad that hurts. How disrespectful it is.
2 Likes
Just awful I’m sorry mama
Tell your kids, their Dads opinions are his. However never talk badly about him to your kids, they’ll figure it out.
If it’s the 18 year old, wanting to spend time with female friends, then I’m sorry, but he’s old enough to have freedom and responsibility. Just make sure ’ products for protection ’ are readily available in your home to your boys( without asking you for them).
One big disagreement with my ex ( then hubby) was making condoms accessible to the boys.
Teach your kids (the older ones at least) to say, “Please don’t talk about my/our mom that way.” Or “Stop saying bad stuff about my/our mom.” Even “I’m half mom, so how do you think that makes me feel/so is that how you feel about me?” If it gets really nasty, constant, and the kids are willing to testify, you can take him to court for alienation of affection but that’s only for sustained verbal abuse over a year or more. But if the divorce is still raw, you may each have some stuff to work through to achieve peace, or at least a truce.
Also, trust you have both instilled values, respect and responsibility in your kids as you rear them. Keep having lots of talks about behavior you value (gender roles, responsibility, honesty, financial management, hopes and dreams, even politics and the issues of the day, geared to their ages), but also ask them lots of questions: “what would you do if….” “Why do you think I might be concerned with….?” “Imagine if…… How would you handle that?” “Do you know what …. involves?”
On just one topic, ask, “If you got a girl pregnant/you got pregnant, what would you do? Do you know what it takes to take care of a newborn? How would that impact your school/career/future? Do you know how much babies/children cost to raise? What would you do if you and a girlfriend/boyfriend disagree with what to do with a baby?” But do it when you are calm and not reactive, and stop after each question and LISTEN to their answers thoughtfully, and consider their opinions. Do NOT be judgmental.
You want them to think for themselves and come up with answers, not just follow what you or anyone else says blindly. It’s OK to have different views, and it’s OK to change them as one gains wisdom through life experience and new (reliable!) information. Don’t tell them what’s right and wrong or what to think, only what your experience has been from your own life and others you’ve known. Lecturing doesn’t work well; two-way conversation does.
Maybe get family counseling to come up with certain broad rules you and the ex can agree on. If it’s too volatile with both of you in the same room, meet separately and have the counselor put the list together. For example, no guns in the house, no staying out all night unless it’s a sleepover at the house of people you know, always be sure the custodial parent knows where each child is and how to reach them, homework should be completed before bedtime, chores should be done before switching houses, rules about driving a car if needed, or whatever basic stuff you both, under the calm guidance of a counselor, can manage.
Then you can post them at both houses. Each individual house can have separate rules, which ideally would also be posted at the appropriate home, such as screen time, how they need to clean up after themselves, specific chores, rules about having friends over or visiting friends, sending thank-you notes, whatever.
It always makes things run more smoothly if expectations are clear from the start. You also will be less inclined to yell if you can just point to the household rule on the wall. Kids can manage different rules & expectations at different places, but the rules need to be clear and adhered to as consistently as possible in each venue, day to day and child to child. Kids manage different expectations for school, religious institutions, sports teams, indoors vs. outdoors and at different people’s houses like the neighbor’s or Grandma’s or the grocery store.
Sounds like you and the ex would benefit from individual therapy for anger and anxiety related to the divorce. You want to have ways to let go of resentment before it eats at you and spills over onto your kids.
And don’t neglect the kids feelings! Divorce can be hugely traumatic for them. Check in with them to be sure they are coping (chances are they are hiding fear, anxiety and anger from both parents) and maybe pay for a few sessions with a therapist to help them process all the turmoil. Make SURE they know the split had NOTHING to do with them, especially the younger ones who tend to think the world revolves around them. Make sure they know that you both will love them FOREVER and that will NEVER, EVER change. Make sure they have plenty of loving, stable friends and family to vent to, and do lots of fun family stuff to create new memories, together or one-on-one. Picnics, museums, beach or pool visits, hiking, parks, doing puzzles or games, or just relaxing and reading books at the same time each week are all activities that different ages can enjoy together and don’t cost a lot.
You can schedule a regular time/s to do chores with each person in the household getting a turn to pick the music: you and each child each gets to pick two, three, or four songs depending on how long the songs are and how much everyone has to do. You can assign each child specific tasks, or all work as a team to clean all the rooms and do everyone’s laundry, whatever works.
You can each complain to other people about your ex, but NEVER do so in front of the children. Good luck. It took me a while to understand why my ex and I didn’t work well together and understand his personality better to achieve peace and harmony when at the same place.
Good luck—it DOES get better!
Also, include the kids in decision making. You might be surprised at their wisdom and understanding. Ask them what they think should happen when dad bad-mouths you. Someone might suggest “punch him in the mouth” but maybe that could be modified to “poke him gently in the arm.”
If you have positive and negative consequences for following or not following the house rules, ask them what they think the rewards/punishments should be. Involve them with as many decisions as possible. It will make them thoughtful, responsible and empowered.
Having regular family meetings solved a lot of problems in my contentious household. Put everyone’s concerns on an agenda, and postpone any discussion until the designated meeting time, but encourage everyone to think about possible solutions in the meantime.
Allow each person to speak uninterrupted until done or for 15-20 minutes max. Then people can ask questions or offer ideas one at a time. It helps to have an object to hold to remind people not to speak until they have the object in their hands. Most times there will be an answer everyone can agree upon. If the group can’t agree or if the solution is not working, it goes back on the agenda for the next week.
Your kids will figure it out, but right now they see “ I want this…” and dad gave it to me, but soon they will realize they no longer need permission and when thier own kid comes to them I the future to stay the night at a “ girls/boys” house where by then your son will most likely be saying “no” because that’s what good parents do, and it will hit him like a ton of bricks—-my mom said no because of the potential for a plethora of consequences teens co sleeping brings and she did the tough job and said no for my own good” dad however said yes, not because it was good for me but solely to try to appear to be the more loving parent just to spite a person he once loved but now does not” then he will need therapy because Dad didn’t do best and how can I love soneone and be angry for giving in to spite my mother who I also loved but just not at that moment because I was a teen and wanted what I wanted!
I agree with Peter Ash Reidy. Try and rise above it. Eventually your boys will realise and he will lose out. Not you.
1 Like