Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My ex disregards my parenting when my kids are with him and talks badly about me: Advice?
Boys need to see their Mums respected and it’s the fathers job to makes sure he’s sons know that they must respect their mum. Seeing how their mum is treated also goes into future relationships.
Honestly your boys are above age. I would go to court and ask the court to allow the oldest kids to decide what they want to do wether it’s to not see their dad or see their dad.
Court. Thats what you can do. That is considered mental abuse.
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I am in the court process and one of the first things the judge ordered was no bad talking the other parent. Go to court!
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I must be different … what my son does at dads is their business what we do here is ours … everybody parents different doesn’t mean one is wrong … All depends on the child too …
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When theyre with him, hes rule, with you, you rule, but usually dads right what he says about mom, it justs hurts to hear the truth
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It’s really hard, and so unfair to the kids who just want to love their parents…and not be pawns or in the middle of negative feelings. What he’s doing to them is so damaging! Log every single thing! On your end, just love them, be their safe place.
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Assume you are logging all of this?
Go back to court that’s not fair to you’re kids
Go to court and ask about this co parenting app that is actually monitored by the courts, It’s called app close. That’s what’s helped me and my ex with everything
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Stop the visits . He’s being their friend not a parent dad
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Dad irresponsible. Let n kid do what he did. What he think would happen if kid got n to serious trouble while & “friends” house. Was there parents there. Time to have a good talk w/kids. Then a lawyer
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My ex disregards my parenting when my kids are with him and talks badly about me: Advice?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My ex disregards my parenting when my kids are with him and talks badly about me: Advice?
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Mine does as well He even tells them not to listen to me. It hurts and is frustrating especially now after years of it and they are teens they don’t respect me at all.
Dads an ass for talking badly about you to the kids. We have a similar situation when it comes to punishments and we’ve discussed it it the past and mom will be on board and then she caves when she sees her. Essentially we have just come to terms that we are the “bad guys” in regards to punishments. We use to fight about it but now we’ve just kind of given up and we will discipline as we see fit (nothing physical) and mom will do what she wants. So sorry you’re going through this!
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You can’t control what he does, only what you do. When you see your son I would address his dishonesty with you. That’s something you can do. As for how your former husband treats you, reciprocate that behavior with kindness and explain to your kids their dad is angry and it’s unfortunate he is throwing you under the bus. But demonstrate to your kids how a former spouse should be treated, with respect. I made a lot of mistakes in my own life and I’m sharing my regrets here in what I wished I had done. I wished I had been much kinder. You’ll never regret kindness. But definitely talk to your son about going behind your back and how that was hurtful.
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First of all I would NOT allow the kids to repeat to me any of the bad things their Dad says about me. Nip THAT in the bud ASAP. What’s the purpose of THAT information??? And as everyone says…NEVER speak ill of “THEIR FATHER”. Your kids deserve to experience a normal childhood experience with the man who is their hero, their whole world, right now. Allow your kids to love, feel love and enjoy that because love & encouragement will make them feel safe & supported and they will feel empowered by that when they go off on their own. They will not feel the urge to flee and FIND THEMSELVES(who they are) AND LOVE, ELSEWHERE, in toxic relationships, addictive substances, etc. If they come from a loving home(s) where they are loved, HEARD, nutured and supported in a healthy way, you have given them the childhood that will empower them to succeed into adulthood. I know that you love them and want that for them. What you can also give them is a mother who is herself happy, positive, giving, gracious and achieving her own goals and living HER best life. By doing so, you’re an example to your children of a BEAUTIFUL woman…
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Talk to a lawyer and have it written that he is not to bad mouth you to the kids! It’s sad enough that these kids have to put up with it! He gives in to the kids to make you look bad! If it keeps up ask your lawyer to make visitations only from a certain time to a certain time and with someone looking on! No more over nights or weekends until the badmouthing stops! Stick it to him!
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Sounds like the boys have sympathy for you and the reason why they are telling you these things. They probably know you don’t deserve the bad mouthing. Keep up with your good parenting because evidently it’s soaking in and you are getting more respect than your realize. 
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Kids r not dumb. They know which parent is an issue. My husband & I r coming to a fork in road in our marriage. Our 2 sons can tell who the issues lie wth . Just keep being a great Mom, kids will know who was who. And what was what.
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You tell your boys your sorry their dad feels that way towards you. You never ever bad mouth the other parent even if he says something to make your blood boil. When your kids get older or become adults they’ll be happy you were the adult. As for dad doing that stuff sounds like dad is still hurt over the divorce.
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I feel like there is a lot missing here.
Your reasoning behind not allowing your son to stay at a friend’s is a bit old fashioned and baseless. Your choice, but Dad doesn’t have to agree. No one was in danger.
The bad mouthing is the only real issue here. Do you also do this? Do you play victim Infront of the kids and make them feel bad?
There is something missing to the story and it’s your contribution to their being sad when they come home.
Always 3 sides. Your version, their version and the truth.
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It happened to me, my son was a teenager when me & his dad split…it got ugly & after a while my son moved in with him.
I didn’t see my son for a while & to say our relationship was strained when we did see each other is an understatement.
His dad & his dad’s family all slagged me off blind to my son…it was so bad & there was no need for it at all cuz he is the only one that has truly suffered from their terrible behaviour.
He has struggled I’m not gona lie, I won’t go into details but at 24 he is back with me now because he has realised how toxic his relationship with his narcissistic, alcoholic farther really is.
Be the bigger better person/parent for your kids…trust me, they are gona need you!!
I wish you all the luck in the world.
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Always take the high road and never talk bad about him around them. They will respect you for it later!!! My kids are 21 and 23 and sadly hardly talk to their dad because of how he has acted over the years and bad mouthed me to them. Karma is a bitch!!! Just makes me sad for my kids. I never wished no relationship with their dad for them. They deserve a father who will be there. Maybe someday he will grow up and see how it has affected them…
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It never ceases to amaze me how immature and childish parents can be. He needs to grow up. If he doesn’t want his son to end up a teen parent he needs to be more responsible. Eventually your kids will become adults and they’ll realize what a bad parent he was and it will hurt him in the long run. He’ll be the cool dad now when they’re young and naive but when they get older and wiser they’ll see the truth. I wish I had some advice for a solution now but unfortunately I do not
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Well why isn’t he able to stay over at a girls house?
Is it because it is his girlfriend and you think they might have unprotected sex?
Is he gay and therefore the gender of who he stays over with doesn’t really matter?
Sounds like his dad doesn’t see an issue with staying over.
Your son lied to you- and that isn’t okay. He can’t leverage his relationship with his father to get the things he wants just because you say no.
In fact the way he didn’t respect your no, makes me believe he may not listen to a woman if she were to say no to his sexual advances.
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My exs both ran me down soooo bad. It was really hard to not go down that road too, but I tried my best to never do that to my children. And that is exactly who gets hurt - the children! Be the better person and know your kids will understand
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Family court for sole custody. You might not get sole custody however family court will have a record of the issues in case he calls CPS on you.
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Unfortunately you can’t control what dad does on his time. As long as he isn’t putting them in danger than he is free to let them stay at a friend’s whether that be a girl or boy.
You also can’t control what he may say about you , just talk to your boys about it and let them know your there if they need to talk. Don’t go talking bad about him to them as that’s just scooping to his level.
Sit down with a positive attitude and have a good talk with him without disrespecting him or questioning his parenting. Don’t do what he does, don’t ask kids about their time at their father’s house, don’t tell him what he can or cannot do at his house, just make sure that you aren’t being harsh with your kids. I am not saying his methods are good, I am saying that there’s nothing you can do about his methods, you can only make sure that you keep the environment in your house pleasant and rather than control your children, you give them your complete attention. When you tell your children that they can’t do certain things, don’t say that you don’t want them to, but nicely tell them that maybe next time. Be respectful towards their father even if he isn’t respectful towards you, be a better person. When your children complain about their father, listen to them, but don’t comment. He might change his attitude once he sees that you respect him, even if he doesn’t, your children will see and as they grow, they will respect you and listen to you more. Parenting needs patience, kindness, understanding and trust. Nothing beats being nice.
Teens especially are going to play both sides of the fence. And who let’s a boy spend the night at girl’s house, and whose mama let’s boys stay with their daughters.
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If the son in question is the 18 yr old let the strings go your not gonna stop him seeing a girl. If it’s the 16yr old well basically you really won’t stop him if he really wants to but you have let him know how you feel and the younger 1s should respect your decisions. As for dad, tell him to pull his head in… No child wants to hear bad about the other parent. And in the long run your children will respect you more for not bagging there dad to them.
My son’s dad & his gf has threatened me in front of our son more than once. He also posted a demeaning video on Facebook about me. I don’t take my son to see him and no longer pay for my son to have his own line to call him whenever. I told him he can pay for our son to have his own line but I’m not paying for him to disrespect me. He can file for visitations but I’m not going out of my way for him & he told me he doesn’t have to respect me & has threatened bodily harm to me in front of my son. He refuses to help financially because he stated he doesn’t like me. My son is 6 and started disrespecting me & his step-dad. I don’t lie to my son about his dad, good or bad.
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1st off…you need to discuss the perimeters you set as for punishment with your kids…2ndly, tha kids need to not be going back and forth with tha hearsay because at the end of the day they know you are wanting to know what is said and you never know what is ad-libbed…kids can be devisive when they see how the dynamic is setup…your kids could be playing both sides of the field for their benefit…
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Your kids are manipulating both of you. And I know this cuz I did the same thing as a kid. You told your son no, and he asked Dad. The problem lies more in your kids than your ex.
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I mean he’s wrong to bad mouth you to the kids but not about what he does with them. Unless he’s putting the kids in danger or abusing them he’s their parent and can do as he sees fit. However, would be a good idea to get on good terms so punishment is the same and kids don’t run back and forth to mom and dad.
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Treat the ex with the respect you deserve. The boys know what is right, and when they are older it will come back to haunt him. And they will appreciate you in the long run.
It is classed as emotional child abuse if a parent tells under-age children in their custody negative things about their other parent. It is reportable.you need to report to your lawyer or CPS.
Immediately.
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This also happened to me. I refused to speak badly about their father. He is their father now and always will be. It would serve no purpose. The thing I felt bad about was my boy’s feeling they needed to defend me to their dad. I had to convince them it’s just words and they should let them go in one ear and out the other. My boys are grown now and don’t have much to do with their dad because of his bad words. That breaks my heart. They need their dad. Maybe someday it will mend and they can work thru it. Just don’t stoop to that level.
You are in a bad situation. He would never agree to counseling probably. Just don’t badly about your ex. The kids will realize some day. Your ex is still angry because in most cases the dad gets screwed. For the kids to go to dad when you say no to something doesn’t help. He wants to be liked and favored by the kids. Stand your grounds and do what you think is right. It’ll pay off someday. Try to open up a line of communication with your ex. Good luck. I had pretty a good rapport with my ex. She’d let my daughter come stay with me when it wasn’t my time to have her. She had 3 kids from previous marriage.
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It is so sad when this happens. I went thru the same thing only he would take them to a bar. I asked him not to do that but still did it. Would take them home late
Everything I did did not work. He has passed away and my children respect me to know end. I taught them to respect people. It is earned not given respect. It is something everyone goes thru. Be strong and pray to God. He listens and sees what goes on.
My first suggestion is to not carry on conversations about what your ex-husband says about you. Your children are old enough to know who you are at this point. Also kindly let your children know that it is unacceptable when you say no to go behind your back and ask their father. I’m presuming you are the primary custody parent. It’s hard to parent teenagers no matter what the situation. I refuse to talk badly about my ex-husband in front of my children and I also did not engage in anything that he was saying about me. The kids learned very quickly that it was not a subject that would be broached in the house. They are now adults that are very healthy mentally and physically and know who their dad is and who their mom is without any interference from either of us. All you can do is be the person that you are consistently and let the children know that if you have said no to something and they undermine your parenting by going to their father and asking for permission to go. There will be consequences when they get home. Has your husband said how he parents is none of your business… Well it would seem the same would go at your house that if there’s an undermining situation and consequences he can say nothing about what’s going on in your house and your parenting. Although make it very clear to the children that there would be consequences if that situation arises again. And also know that this too will pass at some point in the future for you. Hang in there mama you got this…
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You can always go back to court and let them know he isn’t co-parenting with you. The judges really frown on a parent trashing another parent. Mediation may help to
Ask your kids what they want. Everyone always seems forget the kids have a voice.
Spk to your ex… Be the bigger person. & tell him you don’t like seeing them down, he can think what he wants say what he wants about you. JUST NOT INFRONT OF YOUR KIDS.
I understand it must b hard. Co parenting can be great, if you have a good relationship. Not all r as lucky as me when comes Co parenting. Xx
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He is undermining your parenting. The way he treats you is the way your sons will treat women. You have every right to know where your son is at all times. If something happens the cops will b asking you questions don’t let him bully you and undermine you. You know in your heart if if u r a good mom or not. Don’t let him shake u. Stand ur ground. He is degrading you and you need to tell him he is affecting the kids with his words and he needs to take responsibility. And stop the blame and finger pointing game. He needs to grow up!! Go consult a lawyer usually consultation are free.
I wish you well Blessings
You are strong and smart! God don’t make junk.
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That is Parental alienation!!! He can parent as he sees fit as long as it’s in the best interests of the child, but he cannot say things to alienate your children from you!
I got divorced when my kids were out of high school. My ex did not come to the oldest one’s college graduation. My kids said they are proud of me as I never bad mouthed their father. It was his choice to not see them much. My youngest never saw him but a few times as he and her were too much alike but she delivered the eulogy at his funeral. Both kids don’t miss him much as he wasn’t involved with them as they got older.
You found out? Why do you pry into dad time? 18,16 and 14 are old enough to make a choice of where they want to live. Tell them if they think the grass is greener at dad’s… then they can move in with him. Problem solved
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Both elder sons are old enough to spend time with a girlfriend. Did you miss to educate them in sexual issues?
Parents have to give roots and wings. Now it is time that they spread their wings. 
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I was 12 when my parents divorced. My mom talked so bad about my father to us. I didn’t talk to my dad for 20 years. My husband now his father died of pancreatic cancer. My dad would see us kids presents for Christmas and my grandmother would try to get me to talk to my dad. So when my husband’s father died he convinced me to call my dad. I did. He is married and his wife is more like a mom than my mother ever was. My mom told me that my dad never loved me. So not true. I have a wonderful relationship with my dad. My mother is not in my life anymore. She has showed her true colors. Since I had my 2 boys I don’t talk down about her and they can see her whenever they want. They are 18 and 21. They can go see her. Needless to say I don’t care to speak with my mother.
It really sux that parents do this to one another.
The only person it harms is the children.
I guess its good cop vs bad cop in the scenario.
Your children are all old enough except the 6 year old to know whats right and wrong.
They will discover in the end who is the good cop and who is the bad cop.
Sit down with your kids and explain to them that they are old enough to know what the correct behaviour is and what is not when they are at their dads.
There is no way you can control what your ex says to them but just let them know you love them and its not good parenting to bad mouth each other.
Maybe take him to court and both sides need to go to parenting class together so everyone on board .maybe the court cN talk to since he’s hard beaded
Speak to the court about it. He should not be doing that. Also very damaging to the kids.
If you guys have a court order I really honestly highly suggest going back to court because that is going against the court order. You are not allowed to do this. In fact it is psychologically damaging to your child. Document everything. And possibly record what they said he said etc. Honestly, you don’t want to be looking back 5 or 10 years from now and wishing that you made a bigger step with this. It’s definitely not okay.
They are old enough to sit down and have a conversation with them, dont bad mouth him but just try and explain to them how you feel your boys are adults now.
That’s really shitty. My sister talks about my ex brother-in-law poorly in front of them. I understand feeling that way towards someone but the kids don’t need that. I don’t think there’s really any stopping it. And once they get to a certain age they’ll start to realize the bs which will build resentment. It’s a fucked up cycle.
First off, those kids are manipulating you. Don’t react sadly to their tales of what “dad says about you”. They likely do the same to him. They are probably angry and upset about the situation and get some sad satisfaction from doing this. You can do better by not playing the game -listening to their dad narrative and sticking with your rules. Also, don’t engage with Dad. He Also knows better, and is using this to be disruptive. Sit yourself down and clear your mind. Then take time to clearly view your choices and goals at moving on. Create guidelines you feel solid about, in regards to future rules and communication you will receive and which you will not. Then when you are resolved, impress firmly on your kids what is exceptable and what is not. Stick to it, cry by yourself and do t include them in that emotion. Strengthen up and move forward.
Your children will appreciate the boundaries you set for them when they are adults and parents themselves. Stick to your values as a parent.
That is so sad and wrong! My ex and I did not bad mouth each other to our kids.
If it’s really that bad, that’s parental alienation. Hard to prove but not ok.
My kids dad is an arse with them and he cba but at min I’m just biting my tongue x
Sounds like their father needs to grow up to me and think of his kids and not what is going on between the two of you
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Maybe tell the whole story rather than shape it to advantage yourself.
There’s nothing you can do about him being more liberal than you. But the talking badly about you could be considered alienation. What is saying?
Your time is yours his time is his that’s divorce
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Also document everything just in case you guys end up in court again
Cant control what ex does… move on… address sons dishonesty
Go back to court that is considered attempted alienation. Have the judge put him in his place
You can go apply for mediation through the courts they can assist with that and evaluate the situation. I would also get an attorney for this…
You are done with each other. Let it go. He has no more control of how you raise the kids in your house than you do in his. Stop trying to tell each other how to raise the kids. They are big enough to understand. Do not badmouth each other. Be honest with your kids on the results you want to happen with your rules. You have your rules, let him have his. Get ready, the kids are going to play the two of you like a fine tuned fiddle. Stick to your guns.
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Document everything! The sons have already been programmed with a negative attitude towards you, but unfortunately, it will be applied to all women! Keep on being the best Mother you can be! You have made a decision to be a parent instead of a buddie to your children! Proud of you! Whatever you do, do not allow them to perpetrate their learned attitude against women against you in no fashion, especially physically! There are laws to protect you, use them!
Through your attorney, request a session with a family therapist to discuss these issues.
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Just ignore it, even tho it might be painful, or take him back to court
Ummmm… not to defend dad, but the 18 year old doesn’t need permission… I think I would have a talk with the older ones why it is not appropriate, but make sure if they do it anyway, they are being safe.
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Don’t worry about what he says about you ! Keep on being the respectful mom that you are to your sons, he’s the one losing and they will resent their dad in the end for disrespecting you ! Hand in there mom “ good” always wins.
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Actions speak louder than words. Your boys will get tired of it and karma will bite Him it the butt for it. Just don’t play that game with if they start to tell You what He said tell them You don’t want to hear it. Let His true colors come out. Kids can see through it.
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Y’all headed for major kid problems if ya don’t get on the same page. ASAP.
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I think your kids are playing you.
Divorce judges here put it in divorce decree that neither spouse shall degrade the other spouse in front of there children. It causes mental abuse to the child. I also think the kids may be playing both parents to get there way. And unfortunately untill you both come together and coparent them together this may not change.
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Get proof of the bad talk and use it in custody court, he’ll probably be punished with less visitation for the younger kids
Get a court order on what can and cant be done I went threw that shit to
It’s a mutual respect between parents. You are literally allowed to say no to your children. Your ex has no right to bad mouth you in front of your kids. Time to lawyer up
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Not nice father! He’s hurting the boys by doing that ! You have to get help w that bec he will turn the boys against you!
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At this point your son is old enough not to play both sides. If you said no he shouldn’t have went even if dad said yes. To be honest he shouldn’t have even asked him. 
I’d take the kids to counseling.
I hate parents who do this. They say and do things to spite the other bc they feel a way about the break up.
Well dad is right he can do what he wants with the kids on his time. As for the shit he says to your sons tell them you don’t wanna know and if they don’t like hearing it they need to tell him to shut his mouth.
Prove that he’s putting them in unsafe and unethical situations when he “let’s them do what they want” then take him to court. His bad mouthing and letting your teenage sons “STAY WITH FRIENDS FOR SEVERAL DAYS” with girls will come out in court and the judge will not look good on that. Co-parenting and cooperation between parents is a big thing when it comes to family court. Don’t listen to these spineless people who are telling you there’s nothing you can do. There is always something to be done to fix a unfavorable situation. Does their father do drugs, keep them in his house, an verbally/emotinally abusive alcoholic, etc…just use your brain. Just the fact that he lets them run around from dads when they’re supposed to be with him at his home is a great big no no. Your kids will be questioned away from your and dads presence and notes will be taken and presented. Your kid’s truth will have alot of standing in a court situation. They are minors and absolutely should not be allowed on either parents behalf to play house, party and have sex for days. Very unethical and unsavory of a parent to allow. Can you contact any of these girls parents?.. Contact a family lawer and begin proceedings asap.
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File for sole custody
It is parental alienation. Back to court. Better have proof
That’s the fun thing about court if you ain’t got no money you can’t get s*** done. So unless you’d enjoy more of the same I would suggest you grabbing an attorney
My mom never said a bad word about my dad infront of us . My dad however was an ass and consistently said rude things about her. I was 7 when I told him off and didn’t talk to him for 4 years. Do your best keep your opinions of dad to yourself and trust me your kids will notice who is the real adult.
By the way Facebook is probably not the best place to ask this question because you could be just as bad of a mom as he is a dad
Was it the 18 year old?
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Don’t air your dirty laundry on fb.
Dad can do what he like son his time. Ask tiur kids not repeat any negative comments ts about u. All u czn do really
No matter what is going on don’t lie or hide anything from your kids. If you do they will grow up resenting you and not trusting you.
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Parents should not talk bad about each other to their kids.
You don’t think the kids are saying bad things about you when they go to their dad’s, even if it’s a lie? Kids will manipulate the parents every chance they get to get what they want. Parents then fall into 2 categories (good parent, bad parent) and it’s solely based on which parents gives in more to what the kids want.
I do have to say that what he does with those kids, on his time, is totally up to him. You can’t ground a kid for 2 weeks and expect that the other parents gonna abide by that when they may only have the child every other weekend
What the kids do with dad really isnt your business its his time. Same as when they are in your care you trust him to have them and unfortunately its how it goes. You guys are separated and you cant tell him how to parent anymore.
When the parents aren’t in agreement to have punishment follow from one house to the other that is something you’ll just have to live with. That is 100% not your kids fault. Don’t let that issue carry over to affect your children. As far as the bad mouthing you, that is also not their fault. It’s unfortunate that the children have to deal with either issue. You need to address these issues with their Father. They should not be put in the middle. Period.