My ex has been texting our daughter that I am "evil" and keeping her from him: Advice?

I’m a proud parent of two beautiful kids. My oldest is from a previous marriage. We have been spilled for years. I’ve also relocated to another state. We had court in our hometown over the move; he decided not to show. Unfortunately, he didn’t take the news well on what was ruled. He’s been texting, calling completely irate. My child has a phone as well, and he’s texted it to tell my daughter I’m keeping her from him, and I’m “evil.” This is all confusing for me, and I’m an adult. So, I can only imagine what my child is going through; she sees him when it’s his time; of course, I have never let my feelings drive whether my child sees her father, I feel like that’s important, but I have reached my limit with him using my child to control me, and against me, the whole point we divorced was because of the mental and emotional abuse. I feel like this is no longer about my child, it’s more about driving a wedge between her and me, and he knows that will hurt me the most, of course. He’s getting married, and I assume he feels like his new significant other should be her new mommy (I’m an overthinker). I feel like I can’t protect her or shelter her any longer from his issues. I took legal action, of course, but that will only last for a little while. What I’m wondering is if I can get harassing communications to where he and I have no contact? I’ve been told to have some modifications done to our custody agreement on what he can’t and can not talk about, but he would find a way to get around that. So I do think it’s best for no contact.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My ex has been texting our daughter that I am "evil" and keeping her from him: Advice?

Keep all text lawyer up and strip him of his parental rights along with a restraining order :tipping_hand_woman:t5:

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You will always have contact that’s part of it. One thing that is super helpful is ourfamilywizard.com. We used this and it was a great program for communication and coparenting!

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Screen shot his conversations with your daughter …

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There’s a way within the courts that the judge can order no defaming commentary. Like court ordered that each parent can’t speak illy of the other or to each other/kids. I’d look into it or ask your attorney about it. Maintain documentation on what’s happening and bring it to your attorney so they can explain or see if it’s an option

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If you keep a child from their parent you are the evil one. No I didnt read the story because I believe everyone has the ability to change. Some people dont realize that their actions are a direct result of someone else’s actions. And no I wont read the story.

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Change you daughters phone number or take her phone away

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Block your daughter from him all social media and even block him from calling and texting her. Save All the proof u have of him trying to talk crap and all. U got this momma

Well he’s upset you moved away so I understand his side too but never involve the kids.

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Unfortunate that there is no psychological potty training for an immature and vindictive parent, but there is therapy for your daughters exposure to him

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Some of y’all heartless. At least he loves his kid

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Yeah I would take away communication if he is going to do that. That’s definitely a huge no-no in the courts eyes as well. Huge violation. And I would tell the other parent that doing such causes major damage to the child and their emotional well-being and that is the reason you have to step in and put a stop to it. You can tell him that he can feel any way he wants to about you He can be angry and he can hate you but he cannot convey that to the child. That is abuse.

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Lawyer, that mental abuse and he does not deserve 1 more minute with your daughter, if he truly cared about his daughter he wouldn’t do that.

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No negative contact order

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Take it to your custody lawyer ASAP. I’m assuming your daughter is older since she has a phone. My friend has teenage daughters. Whenever their dad would start talking bad about their mom they would just say “Dad I’m not talking to you about Mom” and change the subject. He was mad at first but eventually he stopped even mentioning the mom.

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Block him from calling or texting her phone. You can do that through the phone

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My end with former relationship like this it started off supervised by someone else another family member or someone from courts. Then later I became supervisor then unsupervised. But sounds like u might someone else supervise

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Try and get only communication thru a court approved app we use one what he sends goes to me our lawyers and judge. Id also put your child in Counseling ASAP.

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For those who didn’t read the entire post, the mother is NOT keeping her child from her father. Yes she moved. Yes it was court approved. Yes he still has visitation. That still doesn’t give him the right to USE their child in a toxic way. Chances are, now that he is in a relationship, he wants to play daddy all of a sudden. My advice is to have a app that lets you see all of her activity on her phone and screen shot all the toxic and nasty texts from her father to show an attorney and go from there. He may have to have certain times to text her, or she may be advised to simply end the communication for that period. Eventually he will get it thru his head that if he wants to continue a relationship with her, he should be nurturing and concerned about HER and not her mother.

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It’s a hard place to be in. Never ever talk smack about her father to her. Always be understanding when she talks to you about what he says. My kids made their own decision. And my ex educated them enough for them to make an educated decision. Keep her talking to you and never talk about anything that she can’t repeat to him. Never tell her to keep secrets. It’s hard to be the better person. Let him dig his own grave. Your daughter will get tired of it and use the words “I don’t want to talk about that”. Kids are smart.

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He shouldn’t involve your daughter. Period. So no I dont think he should have contact w her. He’s fkn w her emotional state. I don’t like that shit. I have issues w my daughters father and I would never bash him to her. Ever. I don’t work like that and for someone to do that has problems and doesn’t have child’s best interest at heart.

I don’t know know how you’re daughter is, but I went through similar situation growing up. THE BEST thing my Mom did during all that, was keep her mouth shut, I remember every time it was brought up what he said she would just nod and say “We’ll see” which was weird and mysterious when I was a kid, but as a grew up, I hit middle school age and started really getting my own opinion about things,I obviously saw who I was with and who did things for me, how my parents treated me, and I also realized that my Dad, who was barely present, was the only one who would talk trash about my Mom, my Mom who I saw every single day, who worked several jobs to make ends meet to support me, who fed me, washed me, clothed me every single day. Who scraped her last two pennies together to get me that new Barbie. Ya know, kids do pay attention, they will realize who is right and who is wrong all on their own. The best thing you can do is tell her that it’s not true, you love her and she can see her Dad anytime she wants. Be as open as possible, but don’t say a thing about him. Good luck girl!

If you can make changes to your custody agreement then I would do something along the lines of only contact by text or email (something that leaves a trace of what’s been said) no phone calls. And certain topics that should not be discussed. Like he shouldn’t discuss you with your daughter? Just an idea. You can’t exactly take your daughters phone because he can accuse you of stopping her from contacting him etc. Plus it’s not your daughters fault so she shouldn’t suffer. I know what he’s doing is nasty and abusive but at the end of the day he’s her dad and she shouldn’t suffer as long as she wants contact with him. Hope you find a solution for you and your daughter

You are not evil, he should have shown up to fight for his rights. She will get used to bs and hopefully grow up and live her own life. People seem to forget that their children grow up.

So I currently have a no contact order for my daughter and I. But when there was communication it was done through my husband. He was not aloud to contact me directly and we have a whole list of things that he is not aloud to talk about or say to my daughter.

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Be overly nice. I know that sounds odd but tell ur daughter if he wants visits cool set it up. Tell him be here at x time n return her at y time. There is no leeway it is this or nothing. Tell her there is a process to give him as much visitation time as he wants n have her weigh in on how much she wants to go. At first she likely will want to go alot. What will happen is she will see ur not the problem he is n she will distance herself n it in no way will be ur fault. I did this with 1 of my ex n my son saw in 6 months that dad wanted alk this time n just never showed up. Don’t try to protect her from the heartache she will feel it eventually better sooner than later.

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Also make sure you are keeping record of everything said and done. That way you can take it into court… I have had gone as far as recording what was said.

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Nope lawyer right away that’s mental abuse

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He is putting your child in the middle and that’s wrong!

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The judge will probably tell you to communicate through text.

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Is it driving a wedge between yall?? You never said if she believes him or not. If she is starting to believe him and is picking fights with you because of what he says, take her phone away. Then contact your lawyer and show them the messages. Talk to her about how you feel about the situation. If she’s old enough to have a phone, she’s old enough to know some details about what happened.

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Make all contact supervised until he can prove not to be a toxic part of her life

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Take the phone from her she shouldn’t have a phone anyways

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Call your lawyer get it settled. He doesnt sound normal

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Change her number maybe

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I have been here. Start by eliminating any and all contact by you and only communicate via email. If he phones, dont answer and text back saying you will only communicate by email going forward. Do not engage in any games, fights, or whatever. Keep it clean, keep it simple, keep it about the child and keep it in email. Its easier to document and prove in court. Unfortunately you can not do that for your daughter, because it can make you look like the bad guy. You have to let them keep their relationship no matter how fucked up it is, because eventually she will see the real him. You can bring it up in court, and they can set rules for him to follow by not talking to her about your adult differences and leaving the child in the dark about anything in regards to court and court decisions. If you take away the phone, block him from contacting your daughter, or anything of that nature you look bad, so dont do any of it. You can ask your daughter to tell him that she will not engage in any conversation that is about you, so when he starts she can shut him down right away. It may make him mad at first, but eventually he will get the hint. When you do get back to court, ask for a no contact order for you and explain whats happening with your daughter and they can make a clause about talking badly about you to her. Keep in mind that he will probably continue regardless of the order, so arming your daughter with that one phrase can make a huge difference. But that is her father and its best to let her see the real him, without your interferance. Kids see more than we know, they pick up on stuff more than we know, and they can see whats right and wrong more than we give them credit for.

She will eventually get tired of his actions. I did with my father.

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The only way it will stop is if she tells her dad how much it hurts her for him to talk this way about her mother. I don’t know how old she is. But the same happened to me and only when my son said something that it stopped when they were small. But as adults he tried again , now they just don’t talk to him

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First of all its not your daughter it is both your child

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Actions speak louder than words. He will only end up hurting himself.

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I’ve been the child in this situation. I eventually saw home for.who he was.

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Maybe you need to report his actions to the daughter to the court as well. It is damaging to her and relationships.
Lots of people arrange third party dropoffs.

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you have a few choices. you can insist that all conversation be contained to issues regarding child care and child support only.
you can ask that all communication be done through e-mail, that way you have written physical proof of what is being said.
I feel that I have to remind you that part of parenting is protecting your child from abuse, even when that abuse comes from within the family itself. Id be discussing your issues with a social worker,lawyer, and or doctor. Sometimes its takes a outsider to help you see what is happening when your heart gets in the way.

Our county has an app that has to be set up between the parents. Everything is in text form and once it’s sent it can’t be erased and the court can access it. This is so there is no bullying or he said she said it’s all backed up.

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Have you talked to your daughter ? See how she feels when her father is texting her those things about you. Only your daughter can help you with that part, cause if she don’t like what he says about you. You can take it to court to put a stop to his nasty games

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Family court frowns on that type of behavior hes showing heavily. They will really rip into him over that. I suggest you show your lawyer all these messages.

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It’s illegal for a parent to speak bad of the other parent. Screenshot & keep every text message. Changing her number & blocking him feeds into his claim that you’re keeping her from him. He will feed off it. Get her into counseling so she can get help working through this abuse. Change your case to your state, where the child’s docile is. Then file for supervised visits based on emotional abuse. Ask her counselor to help you by testifying to the affects he’s having on her mental stability. Reassure her that you love her & you’re doing what is best for her. Sometimes that means removing a toxic person from your child’s life.

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Talk to your lawyer about alienation of affection and see what can be done. Block him on her phone and have him call your phone when he wants to talk to her.

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You need to record all calls if possible,keep all text everything you can.Take him back and request for supervised calls from your phone not hers.Change her phone number.If it’s that bad then you should really do it because that’s just making things harder and upsetting your child.Expecially if he doesn’t stop and it gets worse…You should have a talk with him and tell him if he continues you will not allow him to talk to her unless it on your phone and supervised every time.Then point out what it’s doing to his daughter and he shouldn’t be putting her in that situation…I’ve been through this couple times.You have to put your foot down and set boundaries before it gets worse

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Umm I think your jumping to conclusions about the other women he is marrying but you should talk to your lawyer about what his telling your daughter about you and seek supervise visits only but you can’t blame him for thinking that of you when you took his child to another state yes he could of gone to court and it would be a different story but you never know why he did not go that day

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If keep record of it all and get a GAL for your daughter. Depending on the extent of his words and actions, he could lose visitation contact. In the mean time change your daughters phone number and don’t give it to him.

This is a reason why “child in the middle” class is mandatory in my state. Judges don’t like parents to say nasty things about the other in front of or to the child. It can ans should lessen his court ordered visitation if he can’t handle himself properly. And see if you can get into a therapist that can help your child process their feelings. The therapist can be a huge advocate for your child.

My ex did this with my kids, it was so hard to keep my mouth shut (I vented to friends and family) everyone’s advice was ‘the kids will realize as they get older’ it was so hard at the time but both of the kids left him and now want nothing to do with him, he blames me of course, but the kids saw what he was like and left on their own. Hang in there, she knows you are not evil, and she will realize what he is doing, she is just to young right now.

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He’s trying to alienate your daughter from you and that’s illegal. Check ur daughters phone and save all messages from her dad

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Everything will fall into place. We only know your version of the story so in time all the information will come to light. Do right by your child and continue communication with her father. If you are not evil then she would know right off the bat. After all your actions are what speak for you even when he says otherwise and she is old enough to decipher the two. I can understand he is angry as any father who can’t stop the mother from leaving and taking his child. It was an uphill battle for him and both parties knew it. Moving forward it’s best in my opinion to be consistent and just be honest with her. After all she will be the one to decide and gather all the information now and years down the road into her adult years. We are ALL on borrowed time with our kids so unless there is something to keep from her I’d let her have her father in her life.

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save and print out every text message to you and your daughter and start letting court know what he is doing. part of being a mother is protecting her from everyone and the world, and that includes her birth father if necessary.

Two words…Parental Alienation… I think all ex couples with children should study this subject thoroughly and make sure they aren’t doing it and look for signs if someone is… horrible for the child… child abuse… educate yourselves and protect your children!!

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That’s parental alienation that’s illegal you can file and get him in a lot if trouble

Good luck :+1:t2: I know I’ve been going through BS too :rofl::rofl:since 2016 it’s always about lawyers and money :moneybag:

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Make sure to show your attorney all the messages and record any conversations. There is also a texting app that the court has so they can see everything that is being said. This way communication is only through the court app. He will probably change his way then.

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Change your daughter’s phone number! If he wants to have contact, have it go through your phone only!

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He will lose in the end just love and take good care of your daughter don’t let him get and let your daughter have time to see all the lies he is saying. Good luck on your new life just love yourself and your daughter thinks will go your way in the end .to you he’s playing games and as your daughter grows up she will realize it so don’t bother him

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My ex has been texting our daughter that I am "evil" and keeping her from him: Advice?

In my custody order it says neither parent or people they know may talk badly about the other parent in front of the child or to the child.

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Unless he completely gives up custody, which it sounds like he won’t, you’re never going to get a judge to say he can’t speak to his child. You can, however, have an agreement that stipulates that he may not speak poorly of you- or allow anyone else to around your child. That’s what I would be working towards. As far as you communicating with him, I personally would keep it to child specific things and the moment he becomes irate or belligerent, hang up or stop responding. I wouldn’t want an order where I didn’t speak at all to someone who has my child overnight ever. If something happens and you’re not notified, he’ll use that order against you. Just my two cents. :slightly_smiling_face:

There should already be a clause in there about not speaking bad about the other parent. At least there was in mine. Also, I would go ahead and show her the court papers that specify which days her dad gets her and tell her it’s the agreed upon details set by the court that he didn’t show up for, not you. Then she’ll see the truth for herself. That’s absolutely horrible he’s saying all that stuff to her and making her feel bad.

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You can modify the parenting plan to state no “negative, belittling, accusatory…communication about the other parent in the child’s presence”.

But….to enforce, you have to file contempt, so it’s costly if using an attorney.

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Save all text messages where he’s doing it

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He should be in communication with you because that is his child, but I would have an order to block him from texting/calling his child on their phone if this is his form of spewing his vitriol. Make sure you get all of his texts on paper for court if it comes to that. I would personally block his number on your child’s phone and tell him that since he’s unable to communicate with them responsibly then all of it must be through you. I know it’s tough on you but you need to protect your child at all costs.

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As an adult who was a child in a similar custody situation… my real dad would always talk about my mom, how she kept me away/ moved me away and all this and that…. My mom would always tell me “when you get older you will learn and you will see for yourslef.” I must say, being 30 and kids of my own now… I most certainly did learn how both of my parents are/were and I can tell what seems to be a far stretch about my mom and what seems to ring true about her. He may succeed in driving a wedge between the two of you but it will only be temporary… as long as you don’t talk bad about her father with her in listening range or to anyone that she is close with that could tell her that you said this and that. When I turned 15 and had my own cell phone my parents would no longer communicate. If my dad wanted me then we would discuss it then I’d talk to my mom and she’d tell me what she would be willing to arrange and I’d go and tell him. That worked for us. Feel free to message me for more details if you would like.

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Look unless specifically stated other wise you just have make your child available to contact the other parent, I’d suggest keeping the only communication to said child on your phone and on speaker, until he can settle back down :woman_shrugging:

There an app called “talking parents “ some courts require parents to only talk through the app so they can monitor everything

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There should be a no disparagement clause in your agreement. Then you can start collecting evidence that he openly violates that. It will not go well for him in court.

In my opinion, going by my opinion on what age a kid should have a phone, maybe you should sit down with your kid and talk to them and let them know what is going on, what happened in court and him not showing… that is if they’re old enough to understand. Let them know in no way are you keeping them from their father. Just be honest as you can with them.

Children are smart :nerd_face: and she’s not a baby. She will take in everything from both sides but believe me, she will believe that you are evil if you keep her from her father.
I went through the same exact thing. We had the whole not talking bad thing in our divorce but my ex always did. My kids noticed that I never talked bad and at 17 and 18 years old now, they are not only fine but have chosen on their own to not have communication with him unless he grows up.

I wouldnt keep your daughter from seeing her dad, that would just prove his point in his eyes…I would tell tour daughter to tell her dad she doesnt like it when he talks bad about her mom (you) to her & she doesnt want to hear it, if he continues tell your daughter to walk away from him; go outside or to her room at his place for 15 to 20 minutes then come back if he continues walk away again…tell her no matter what that both you & her dad love her & that will never change…but to ignore the negative talk

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My ex has been texting our daughter that I am "evil" and keeping her from him: Advice?

Do you have an atty? Get these messages he sends her printed out. Even if it’s screenshot. It’s evidence of his abuse. Take him back to court and have it stopped. And make sure you talk to your daughter about his behavior and don’t bad mouth him. Kids are smart. They know right from wrong

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Why did you move to another state and how far are you now also did the court approve your move with the child? And yes you are keeping the child from the father when you decided to up and move away, but with that said dad should not talk to daughter like that

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Please get your child in therapy … this is so hard on kids! Also majority of judges would say this is considered parental alienation. I would file for contempt and bring this to their attention. It’s not petty to do this as it is doing so much damage on your child… imagine feeling “bad” because you love someone … your mother… your father? This is so harmful for children to carry this guilt

Block him or just tell her to tell him if he dont stop staying bad things about u he need to not talk to her

Yes - he should only be talking to her on court app.- " I redo custody agreement-
Nope ! 🙅🏻

Change her phone number.

My ex has been texting our daughter that I am “evil” and keeping her from him: Advice?

If you show all of those texts to a lawyer they can help and his texts will be documented for future reference and reveal his unfatherly behavior.

“We had court in our hometown over the move; he decided not to show.”

Even more filed documents that highlight his characteristics as a father.

“He’s been texting, calling completely irate.”

Keep those messages, report them and start using your phone recorder if hes calling too.

"My child has a phone as well, and he’s texted it to tell my daughter I’m keeping her from him, and I’m “evil.” "

What exactly are the judge’s rules in regards to sharing custody and are you keeping her from him?

"So, I can only imagine what my child is going through; "

How old is your child? Old enough to know the difference between what he says and the truth?

“she sees him when it’s his time;”
:heavy_check_mark:

“I have reached my limit with him using my child to control me,”

If you’re being controlled, it’s not by him unless you’re allowing it.

“the whole point we divorced was because of the mental and emotional abuse.”

I would suggest you make the law order him to parental counseling as a stipulation to his visitation rights.

"He’s getting married, and I assume he feels like his new significant other should be her new mommy (I’m an overthinker). "

That’s understandable for you to fear that but not to assume is as a fact.

“I feel like I can’t protect her or shelter her any longer from his issues.”

Let the law do that for you.

“I took legal action, of course, but that will only last for a little while.”

What kind of legal action?

“What I’m wondering is if I can get harassing communications to where he and I have no contact?”

Doing this would protect you from him a bit but not your daughter. If you do this, it will also stunt the growing abusive evidence that you can build against him via text.

“I’ve been told to have some modifications done to our custody agreement on what he can’t and can not talk about,”

You can request that, yes, and is a great idea and if he abuses that, it’s more filed against his case.

“but he would find a way to get around that.”

Not without consequences on him.

“So I do think it’s best for no contact.”

I dont think it’s best.

Yes there are orders where the parents are prohibited from badmouthing each other. It is a thing. Do it!

Only 1 side of this story how many dads out there are refused visitation by an ex partner who is just being unfair need to get both sides

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How old is your daughter? Maybe it’s time for therapy so the therapist can help her make sense of all the choices the adults are making in her life. A therapist can help her understand why her dad is doing what he’s doing, without you being the one to say it to her.

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Always put it in The court order anyways… Keep all records of everything… keep all communication through text or email as proof…

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Well, ask yourself, “are you keeping the child from him?”. I mean, moving to a different state probably didn’t help his visitation any, did it? Alienators deserve very little sympathy (if that is indeed what’s happening). Regardless, its not right for him to badmouth you to the child (name calling). You can only control you and what comes out of your mouth. You can’t control him and what comes out of his mouth. Focus on what you can control, rather than what you can’t. If he is telling blatant lies about you, the child will figure that out eventually. It sounds like you could hurt him more with the truth (the fact that he didn’t even bother to show up for court), than he could hurt you with a lie.

Most court orders have a clause that you can’t bash the other parent….check yours out maybe he needs to have a contempt filed against him……he needs to grow up a child should never be put in the middle like that

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My ex has been texting our daughter that I am "evil" and keeping her from him: Advice?

Definitely block his number from her phone and he can only communicate with her through your phone…document the texts etc. If he uses another phone etc to contact her on her phone document that as well. Set up counseling services for your child to help guide her to see what he is doing is abuse…she will be more receptive to the learning and healing processes from an unbiased counselor. Never ever let her hear you doing the same nor never let her hear you speak bad about her dad…set her up for when she is an adult and the truth will be there and she will know and understand it more.

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You are thinking about doing the exact thing he’s accusing you of. If you don’t want to come out as the bad guy just let your daughter know she can see him when she wants to and if he doesn’t come through that’s on him.

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Document everything and talk to your lawyer.

While you’re sorting legal stuff between you two, the conversations you have with your daughter about his behaviour not being OK are vital. Let her know your job is to keep her safe from that kind of abuse and maybe even some counseling wouldn’t be a bad idea…children exposed to abuse (which is what he is doing now and it sounds like he probably was doing it to you while you guys were together so she would have been exposed then too) can have many long term negative outcomes. Have a read about ACEs…adverse childhood events, its incredible how much they impact children, but what’s more incredible is learning how to help them before they grow into adults! You got this mama, nobody should have to endure seeing their child being hurt by someone who should love them most

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Keep every bad email he sends your daughter to show the family court judge that is proof of why you don’t want him around your daughter

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My ex… Was very emotionally and mentally abusive. When we split, it was ugly. And when our kids were old enough to be told things… He told them things. That I was a bad mom. I kept them from him. I did this or I did that. Etc. Like this. No I didn’t. But, he knew that was the only way to get to me after I finally left, the only way to hurt me. I didn’t do what he wanted. I ignored it. I told the kids their dad could see them wherever he wanted he could talk to them wherever he wanted. When the kids wanted to call him, I dialed his number. The best thing you can do? Is NOT respond to him. Monitor things he texts your child. Document them. NEVER stop why visits. Don’t modify anything. Your daughter, will learn exactly who he is. Trust me. My kids are 9 and 12. They’ve learned and realized who their father is. Because of the bad mouthing he’s done about me, over the years. And the fact ice NEVER bad mouthed him or done ANYTHING he’s ever said I have lol

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I would block his number on her phone, and I have a friend the has a app that’s ran through the court (something like that) where is monitored. Put that on your phone and block his number too. So he can still communicate with her and you through the texting app thats monitored but can’t harass you anymore from his own phone number.

The more you play and get angry and try to stop it the more you play into his game and he will use it and continue because it works your child will grow up and see it for herself if you step back and help her through it i suggest counseling for both of you and let him dig his own hole because the less you respond less amo you give him

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