Hi Moms. I need some advice. My ex husband & I share 50/50 custody of our 3yr old daughter. I send her to his house with a fresh hairstyle & she stays with him for 3 days. He keeps bringing her home with her hair style undone & looking homeless. We are Black, so her hair care is important. I have asked him why he takes her hair down & he doesn’t give me an answer. He just says " Get help" as if I am crazy for expressing my feelings about her unkempt appearance. Mind you, he is a clothing designer & wears a suit daily. He cares about his looks, yet has her looking like wild & unruly. AND his new girlfriend does hair professionally, so there is no reason for her hair to be matted & going in every direction. What would you do if you were in this situation?
Kids play and mess their hair up when they are playing . Chances are she is well taken care of and allowed to mess her hair up while playing and having fun . Do you really want to pick a fight that isn’t there to begin with ? Because at least you know she is playing and having fun . Its just honestly sounds like something petty to fight about … but thats just my opinion.
Unfortunately it’s one of those times where you will need to pick your battles. I get it. It’s frustrating but there’s not much you can do
I would keep taking before and after pictures and sending them to him lol. Just so he can really see the difference. That’s bull. If you take the time to make her look nice when you send her there then he should be doing the same.
I would be upset too, but it’s a battle I’d choose not to have if it’s already been stated and he isn’t willing to listen. Is your daughter upset about it, or are you upset about it? Is she going unbathed/unchanged/etc? If not, I would put it on the back burner. My daughter is 2, turning 3 in October, so I get wanting them to be cute and whatnot, but it’s not the end of the world if she isn’t kept that way all the time. Before you know it, you’ll be able to teach her simple things to do to her own hair. As long as baby is happy, healthy, fed, and cleaned as needed, I’d put the rest aside. 
My stepdaughter used to take her hairstyle down all the time when she was younger. Her mom would have it looking cute and by the end of the day or the following day the hair was all over the place. She’s 9 and still does it occasionally. She doesn’t play in it when it’s braided. So maybe try that. But fussing about it is going to go in one ear and out the other. So I would choose to keep my peace on this. You can’t control how dad does things. At least she looks good when she’s with you.
How about nicely asking the girlfriend to do her hair? If, she always with them.
Be glad he spends time with her at all! Alot of kids would love to see their dad!
Braid it. I’m African so can feel your frustration. My daughter has a thick wild Bush which we keep plaited. Stays neat for a month atleast
Most Mothers care more about these things than fathers do. Taking care of himself is different than taking time to take care of her hair/ dress her nice etc… it’s a sad truth that I think a lot of Mothers deal with, and to them we are ‘crazy’ or trivial for wanting our children’s hair/ hygiene/ clothing to be taken care of. I had 2 mixed kids living with me for a couple years, i myself have white children, but guess what- I learned how to take care of their hair and they had the best healthiest looking hair ever! Bc I cared and it meant a lot to me and them. I hope you can come to a conclusion. Good luck!
Typical dad doesnt know how to do hair. I just combed my girls hair and put a ponytail in. Lol
He’s trying to bait you and it’s working. Go gray rock with him. Just ignore it and fix her hair back up when you have her. You’ll have the satisfaction in knowing it’s probably driving him nuts you don’t engage. And before you know it, your little girl will be able to ask for her hair to be done nice. This really isn’t a battle worth fighting. Save it for when something truly matters
I would take pictures of her honestly, for that comment he makes. I’m not sure if you can bring it up at your next custody court date 
It honestly sounds like he’s messing with you. If you are styling it in a way that will stay while she’s there, they are taking it out. His statement about “getting help” is a huge red flag, screaming “I’m gonna make you look crazy”. If he’s keeping himself up and he knows how you are, he’s definitely doing this to F with you
My 3 year old looks homeless everyday. Like five minutes after dressing her. As long as the kid is happy and healthy, and loved. Does it really matter?
If your daughter is not upset just let her enjoy the love he gives
Her is more my concern. Let her natural she’s beautiful either way…
Sounds like he doesn’t really want to be bothered with her.
I have the same problem with my step daughter. She doesn’t see her mom often and when she does she always cuts her hair off and then does nothing with it. We are also (mixed) so you can imagine my frustration.
Pick your battles. This isn’t one.
They do it just to aggravate you. Don’t do her hair before you send her and send her in “play” clothes, nothing name brand or nice. When she comes back to you clean her up real good and dress her up
Need to pick your battles but I can tell you this, let CPS get involved and get neglect called and it wont be your call anymore. You may mention to him this can become serious if the school sticks their noses in it
This sucks.
Doing a 3 year olds hair is not only torture for us, it’s torture for them. Having her hair done so she doesn’t have to go through the process it good parenting. Him taking it out is spiteful and really only negatively affects his daughter. I’d document these things. Maybe reach out to his girlfriend and explain to her how hard it is on your child.
Document every time it happens and keep the recipes. I have the exact same issue with my daughters dad. She’ll go to his on a Friday and come back on a Sunday with the same hair style, but more dishevelled. Sometimes she even says she hasn’t had a bath. 
I’ve documented every time this happens and have made him aware that I’m doing it.
Pick your battles and remember that’s his kid too.
It’s obvious your x is not willing to work with you, however its time to stop reacting & keep her looking great whilst with you. Take pics of the way she comes back to you for reference… telling you there is something wrong with you is only a problem if you allow it too be.
I’d be happy shes having fun. You cant control everything he does and vice versa.
I assume the hair can stay the way it is for the time she is there. If so it kinda sounds like he is just doing it to mess with you.
I’d be happy that my daughter had been with her dad, and had fun. That’s what’s important. Not hair. This rant is event about the hair. Maybe she looks wild because they actually had fun with her instead of making an innocent kid worry more about hair than making memories.
I get people saying pick your battles. And seem to only think of this as you worrying about her appearance. But I understand your concern. I would take pictures of how you send her, and how you get her back, just incase this comes back as an issue in the future, with outside agencies. I’d be concerned for hygienic reasons. And for your child’s comfort.
Sounds like he is being spiteful. I’m sorry.
Does the new girlfriend live with him? Maybe you can get her to help you out with your daughter’s hair while she’s at her dad’s?
Girl stop 
I’m sure she’s well taken care of and will be just fine with messy hair
Document and take pictures every single time. Ask about it and keep the responses on record and then after a pattern is seen…get a lawyer.
I live on a farm… my kids hair isn’t done, they have bare feet and we care what we do not what we look like. So much pressure for girls as it is … personally I love being able to not care for. While
It’s probably the kid taking her hair down.
Teach her to do her own hair . I’m teaching my granddaughter and she is 3 . Kids learn quickly now days . I made a game out of it .
If you do 50/50 everything should be that way and he should be getting her hair done or respecting that you are
Would you be upset if his girlfriend un-did your style and did her own? Have you gotten mad when things are changed previously?
If no, I can’t see any logical reason why they’d let her walk around like that. I was thinking that maybe they are doing her hair but then remove the style before sending her back to you. I do understand the importance of having her hair done, or at least making sure she looks neat. I’m hoping it’s some other reason than just n3glect…
Get it braided had some what of the same problem.
There’s really nothing you can do. I’m a stepmom and unfortunately you just can’t control what the other co-parent does on their time. All you can control is you, but it’s sad he doesn’t care.
He’s being petty SMH. Nothing you can do with 50/50 tho. While she’s there, he’s allowed to change her style as much as you are. Sucks.
Braid it. And don’t say anything to him if it’s messy I bet he will stop if he is doing it, but she probably playing and gets it messy!!! The girlfriend doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want too!! If she wanted to it would have been done! But I think your problem is that she doesn’t. If she did you probably have something to say about that too
Maybe he’s trying to push your buttons
In my opinion if I was the girlfriend, step mom whatever I would do it because if I was in a relationship and there where kids involved you should try to help out a bit. Getting with someone that has kids is a big responsibility obviously she can see he needs help with her hair.
Knowing me and how my daughter was at 3, she didn’t care about her hair, as long as it was not in her face, so I’d cut it short. Nothing to take down then. Yes, I know she has textured hair. But he’s going to keep doing this to bug you. So either keep doing exactly as you are, or cut it very short.
Sounds like he’s lazy and only cares about himself. Let me guess… 50/50 meaning he has her so he doesn’t have to pay child support? If he cared, he would keep his daughters hair clean and combed. There is no excuse for her to have messy hair. As far as the new girlfriend, not her responsibility to take care of your daughter.
Can you do a simpler hairstyle he could manage on his time?
DONT EVER MENTION IT AGAIN. I give it a month and the hair will magically be combed.
My only real issue is ( please don’t judge I am not black) I don’t know anything of how to care for her hair, I sure would learn if need be. But if my daughter didn’t have her hair done for 3 days when she was little, I am sure it would be a matted mess. It was overnight so 3 days? And WHO pays the price? The baby because she has to tolerate her hair getting untangled.
Take pictures & document it all for court b/c that is considered child neglect
The less you say the better you are ,if you don’t mention it he will stop doing it to get under your skin .
Unfortunately nothing. What happens when she’s at daddy’s isn’t within your control. True dad and new girlfriend should be adults about it and care for your daughter, but its obvious they are top priority, Baby girl, lower on the food chain. Dad is providing the barest of care and that’s all the court needs to hold him to. Document with photos to use as evidence if you ever need to take him back to court.
The clue as to why you might be picking this fight…his new girl friend…stop instilling that looks are so important at that age, she’ll get it when she’s older.
Mind your business. His house, his rules sadly. Unles she is coming back with severely matted hair, nothing you can do.
Hes a dad lol. Hair is not our thing. Is she happy feed and safe thats our strong point.
I dont pay much attention to my daughters hair tbh i guess im terrible. But i can say for sure im not trying to upset my daughters mum. Kid is three yip there hair gets messy. But ur not saying unclean theres a big difference check yourself you might be just looking for dirt. You’ve managed to ridicule him and his new partner. Your kid is more than capable of looking after her own hair to a reasonable lvl if u teac her im sure.
Nah. My daughter and I have 2A hair type and after 3 days her hair is a frizzy, matted mess that breaks when I have to untangle it like that. I’m sorry he treats you like you’re crazy for wanting your babies hair taken care of. Now that’s insane. 
Girl you are going to give that baby a complex. Find an easy way for her to wear her hair natural to dads. This is a dumb thing to fight over. I know textured hair needs care, but like a few days a week isn’t gonna make her hair fall out. Breathe.
He probably just does it to piss u off
Stop sending her if they’re not going to care for her.
Start documenting it, and any abusive texts/voicemails
You can’t control what goes on in his house, but have you tried braids? It would take a lot for him to undo them. I get why you would be upset.
I will mind my damn business, little kids don’t care about keeping their hair styles, they like to have their hair free and wild .
I agree with him …… get help !!! And stop trying to create drama out of nothing
I’m honestly not sure what I would do, but I’m sorry he is like that, there is no reason for that. Do they have other children who l live with them?
Take before and after pictures for some time then give to your lawyer.
Send her there next time with, one ponytail, pajamas, and comfortable clothes. As long as that baby is coming home happy that’s all that matters. Don’t be “That Baby Momma”. If you always have a complaint and always wearing an ugly frown your just proving to him that y’all not being together anymore was a wise decision. Make him wonder and wish baby…
I have been in that situation. When my kids were little he would let them sit in dirty diapers and get a rash so bad I had to make a doctors appointment, put them in clothes several sizes too small, not brush their teeth, and not bathe my youngest. There’s really nothing you can do. You can try taking her in the morning so she’s cleaned and do her hair. I have just ask to take them and do something with them and would just buy them new clothes and whatever they needed. It also sounds as if he’s just not going to admit he hasn’t been putting the care into your daughter. You can try talking to him about it again maybe putting it in a different way, but it doesn’t sound like you’ll get very far.
Maybe he is doing activists with her that her hair doesn’t stay in ? She might be rolling around on the ground or anything. Men don’t really care about hair unless it’s to look good for a women so he has no reason to do her hair
Shew, some of you guys would die if you seen my kids half the time. 
They don’t even get out of their pjs half the time. Listen, it’s ok. Looks are not everything. The fact you’re upset over that, makes you sound bitter. Maybe he is right… On his parenting time it’s his business. Maybe the child wanted her hair down. Maybe the child hates that you do it. It’s ok.
The school will be documenting it too perhaps you can ask them if she goes there like that on the day’s she’s not with you x
maybe French braid it into a quick updo
No advice cuz men suck and are lazy 
just do what you can to not let it affect your mental health
Not your time, not your worries unless she is in danger
Learn to control what you can, and not worry about the small stuff !
Sounds like you are looking for a fight
She’s 3. She is happier just being fed, loved, and let be to be a kid. She doesn’t need to look beauty contest ready to be happy. Her looking that way makes you happy not her or dad.
Stop forcing your expectations on others. It’s a source of negativity between you and those you share life with. Nothing good comes from it.
And, don’t be saying negative things about the baby daddy or his girlfriend to the baby. That’s toxic for your child. Just be happy to see your baby and say “let’s get you dolled up for mommy because you’re mommy’s lil baby doll” and make it a positive thing for you and her to bond over. Attacking her father negatively to her or in front of her is destroying your bond with your child. You are self sabotaging your relationship with her and her father.
Let it go
He could be setting you up to get full custody by getting you to act out negatively towards him. Be mindful of what you say and do in front of him and your daughter. Choose your battles wisely. This is not a something to battle over
Pick your battles, he knows he is under your skin with this one.
He’s probably doing it because he thinks you might not want her to go over there as much. It might be working, as sad as that is. My heart goes out to you Mama!! I’d be madder then an old wet hen!!
Be happy he loves her and takes her often. Many dads don’t want anything to do with their kids. Including paying child support!!! Plus 3 year old l
Could you braid it so it stays in place ? X
I would recommend documenting what she looks like upon arrival to his house and pickup/drop off to your house
I understand your frustration but feel like your need to pick your battles on this one. Is it possible during her 3 days with him he is bathing her (which would be realistic with a 3 year old) and just doesn’t do anything with her hair afterwards. As long as she is loved and safe while she is with him that’s all that should matter.
It’s sad but you can’t control what happens when she at her dads, he likes getting a reaction out of you and it’s working, from now on except it for what it is and and except she will be coming back yours with messy hair don’t react to it pretend you haven’t noticed and just carry on with what your
Doing xx
He’s doing this because he knows that it bothers you. It’s a control thing.
I think it sounds like he’s doing it on purpose. Especially if you’re styling it a way that is good to stay in for the whole time she’s with him. I don’t really have any advice, I don’t know what I’d do in that situation either. Im sorry he’s doing this to y’all!
Edited To Add; Honestly, I know it sucks, but it’s on him how she looks when with him! She looks up-kept with you! So if he wants to go out with her looking “homeless” then that’s a reflection of HIM (esp knowing the fact he dresses up) not you! I’d just let this go!
I’d start by being petty. At drop off day “let mommy get a picture of you with daddy before you go!” Then when you get her say “let mommy take a picture of you two together now!” And make them stand side by side in each one. Do it with a sickly sweet smile and voice.
He’s gas lighting you, and he knows it. Stop falling for the bait and just say hello baby, looks like you had a lot of fun. Then thank him for dropping her off, and when he’s gone fix her hair. It’s no biggy. He’s looking for any excuse to get you to act crazy, possibly so him and his new gf can have majority custody when she goes to school
Try speaking with the girlfriend on a woman to woman respecting eachother level and ask her if she can help keep your baby’s hair nice and taken care of because the daddy is falling short in that area.
Keep documenting and pictures when she goes and when she comes home. Then take him to court
He is doing it to mess with you, take videos with time and date stamp showing of when she goes to him and comes back, document the difference over time and if you really want to make an issue about it takes him to court to amend the parenting plan and include a clause on hair care. But you need proof that this is a problem.
My daughter always looks good when she goes to her dad’s, she always comes back stinking and looking homeless. I only have a couple questions- did she have fun and did she eat. Pick your battles because believe me, there will be bigger ones later that need to be picked- this is just hair.
I agree him not doing her hair on purpose, trying to cause trouble narcissist like to do that even After yall split. Sometimes it really grates on him losing control of both of you, he’s gonna show out until he feels he has co trol again.
Just deal with it. Seriously atleast he take your child
Could she be taking it down ? My 3 year old goes to preschool all done up and rips it out at school. So it may not be him and she hates getting her hair done
Is she fed??? Did she have fun??? Is he good to her??? honestly after 8 kids and the struggles to keep them looking the part all the time… so much time is wasted on what they look like…I have mixed kids… I kept my first daughters hair done everyday!!! my second … She’s a wild child… always has been … I put it in she would look like I never did it in an hour… Keep it moisturized… it’s going to be ok!!! It is not that important!!!
Keep it documented, document everything and take before and after pictures. I guarantee if you sent her the same way as he sends her back he would lose it
Take pictures of how she looks when she is dropped off and picked up. He may be preparing to take you back to court. Happened to a friend of mine.
Can you communicate with the girlfriend in a nice way? Woman tend to care more about this especially if she does hair. If she doesn’t care either I would pay attention and make sure your daughter is not being mistreated while there. Some signs are unkempt hair and clothes, being really hungry when she comes home, and clinging when she comes home. honesty she is old enough to communion with you.
Lady mind your business. It’s just hair. You can’t control how he does or doesn’t do her hair when she’s with him.
stop caring… I feel like he’s doing it out of spite if he’s into his own appearance, his gf does hair and he uses “get help” as his response to how you feel.
Its going to suck for you to hear, I know because I’ve been there, but pick your battles. If he doesn’t want to do her hair the way you do, its his prerogative when she is in his care. The comment about get help is just baiting, and you are coming across sounding a bit pedantic, which for him is a win as he paints you as the evil ex. Let the hair thing go, the clothes go. It reflects far more poorly on him than it does you, and as she gets older, your daughter will also realise this too.
Talk to his GF and see if she is willing to help out with keeping her hair nice 
She is only 3 YEARS OLD!!! Get over it.
I would just take a picture & don’t say a thing to him. Even if he asks just ask how the visit went & if there’s anything you need to be aware of. If not then ignore whatever he says & go on with your baby. No reason to let him bait you