I would absolutely get a lawyer if you don’t already have one… Maybe get to the root of why he is not showing an interest- has it always been that way? He could be upset with only seeing her once in a while. Please over all things remember that’s her father and she is too young to have a true opinion of whether she “likes him” or not. She probably doesn’t even know him to form that correctly. The best thing to do as a mother is to foster that relationship as much as you can- courts do not want to see a mother alienating the child. Good luck I know custody battles are heartbreaking and tough- no one truly wins when the courts are involved.
Keep all messages as proof. My boys were going through an agency for supervised visits and they recorded every call he didn’t answer and every time he never showed or called. That helped us a lot in a court too
Nope. He can accommodate his schedule to be responsible father or chose to be living like he has no responsibilities or obligations. Do not accommodate for him
Don’t push the relationship if your daughter doesn’t want it.
I never knew my biological father and I don’t miss him. My mom raised me alone until she met my dad and they got married and he adopted me.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My ex is never present for visitation with our daughter, what can I do?
Keep all the proof and go back to court. As much as it hurts you can’t make him parent her and sometimes they are better off without the other parent if they don’t wanna be involved. Don’t ask him if he’s taking don’t communicate with him unless he says he’s coming to get her and leave it at that. You can only do so much and out your with so much stress
1 Like
Someone i know was in a similar situation and he didnt turn up or wen he did the odd time his daughter didnt want to speak to him so she stopped taking her because if he didnt turn up more than twice she could actually refuse to go herself and then it all ended and now his lost out being in his daughters life.
1 Like
You are not wrong for wanting a consistent father in your daughters life, however it would ve wrong to cut him off completly consodering at least your daughter sees him somewhat… you need to have a talk with him or bring him back to court for breach of order so something is done. Tell him he needs to be consistent or get out completly cause any child needs a constant father in their life even if it is just every weekend…
Following as I’m in a similar situation.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My ex is never present for visitation with our daughter, what can I do?
1 Like
Unfortunately he has no interest in her and you can’t force that. I would quit even trying with him. I would focus on keeping an open relationship and visitation with her grandparents and leave it at that. Maybe someday he will wake up and decide he wants a relationship with her, but right now that isn’t happening. Focus on your family and keeping a bond with her grandparents. Stop reaching out to him, stop trying to facilitate the visitation time. It’s on him to make that effort and do it. Your daughter has stated she doesn’t like him and doesn’t want him for her father. Don’t force her to go. Don’t force some thing that isn’t there. Focus on all the positives she has and nurture those
47 Likes
Hey. You can’t really do a whole lot about how he spends his time with her. It’ll just drive you crazy trying. However, if he doesn’t show up then so be it.
Best thing you can do is concentrate on your interactions and it sucks ass, but the kids figure it out on their own. Do your best not to talk bad about him in front of her and always remind her that his actions have nothing to do with her (of course once she is old enough)
I found it best to not even say anything to my son when his dad was supposed to get him unless it was a sure thing. I just acted as if it was spur of the moment when he did go and once he was old enough he got to make the choice himself. Hope this helps. Hang in there momma
13 Likes
You’re her consistent. This was my mom and my dad never spoke poorly of her but he put his foot down with the inconsistency as it had a negative affect on me. All you can do is allow her to make her decisions. His parents shouldn’t be restricted as they do love her and care for her it sounds but as far as him let him dig that hole. She’s old enough to understand so try to explain to her that she is valid in her emotions and not speak poorly on him around her.
9 Likes
Well…he obviously isn’t a responsible person, but you should let it continue for the sake of your daughter and her grandparents and let your daughter decide in the future. You can obviously get legal advice from a family law expert and see if you can do away with strict orders, but let your daughter continue to have a relationship with her grandparents if she prefers to see them. If your ex isn’t making efforts to have a relationship with his daughter, court will most probably decide in your favour.
10 Likes
Take notes and keep a book for records of the times it his time and has not been there and all the bad things he says screen shots print them safe them. Gather enough evidence and take it back to court !
8 Likes
As a father myself that went through this same scenario, I refused to have my daughter or kids exposed to the daily (weekly) life inside a court room visiting facility. That’s even if the mother would show up. True story.
10 Likes
Document the visits he misses and leaves early for and go back to court asking to stop his visitations until he can be consistent as his inconsistency and lack of communication with you is disruptive for everyone involved except him. Kudos for keeping the relationship alive with his parents too. Be sure to not speak badly of him though. Your daughter will see for herself who he really is. You and your husband just keep loving her and let her know it’s okay to have 2 dads and love them both.
7 Likes
Document everything…present it to the court at some point so it’s on the record if it gets to the point that the visits don’t have to continue. Is he paying child support? Definitely provide counseling for your daughter too! Good luck!
7 Likes
You can’t make someone do something they simply don’t want to do. As long as you are trying hard enough for the both of you, he has no reason to. Take a step back, focus on your girl (and you, self care is important) I went through the same thing. Once I stepped back, he never contacted them again. I was heartbroken, but now, 10 years later, they have built an amazing relationship with my husband whose always been there and he is dad. It’s easier without the drama.
7 Likes
I think you’re doing the best you can with the situation you’ve been given. As others have said, focus on the relationship with her grandparents. Is there any reason why he won’t sign over his rights? Maybe talk to his parents and see if they can convince him to do the right thing?
5 Likes
He’s not interested but his parents are and that means a lot. He may eventually wake up after he’s through with his bachelor ways. Don’t force something that is never going to be. Let your girl love your hubs and create a family that way. It’s a 2 way street that neither of the two want to go down.
5 Likes
I had an inconsistent “dad”, it’s not easy but one can survive it. My mom never made a big deal out of it. He was either there or not. Made me very picky about my own significant other. We have been married 52 years.
6 Likes
You’re doing OK by the sounds of it. You can’t make your daughter love her dad. It’s great that she has contact with her grandparents, if that situation is working for you all go with it. Your daughter doesn’t need a piece of paper to look on your husband as her dad.
4 Likes
He is not entitled to make up time but he does not have to be with her during his visitation. He just has to provide acceptable supervision for her. Be glad his parents have stepped up
6 Likes
Can’t force anyone to be a parent. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t care so why bother trying? Just quit putting her through that drama and allow the grandparents to continue being involved in her life.
2 Likes
Keep a journal and track it. If you’re in contact with him text him and ask him if he’s coming and Save the conversations. After a few months or weeks take him back to court and submit the information to have his custody reduced or revoked
3 Likes
He will loose out , she will remember this when she is older and he wants to spend time with her she will remember , Karma.
3 Likes
Take detailed notes, compile them and present them to court.
Keep up visitation with grandparents and consistent family members. She’s not stupid and has already sussed out her dad is a waste of space! Luckily she has your husband that will show her how a man should treat you both. I think the more details and informed legal advice you can gather the better, quickly too. Your daughter is starting to suffer. You’re doing your best Mama, keep it up 
1 Like
Just continue taking her to her visits rather he shows up or not…
Let him be her father… And let ur husband be her daddy… Paper or no paper he can raise her as his own… Anyone can make a baby but it takes a true man to be a daddy…
My daughter knows of her father by birth but her daddy is my first husband… She’s 36 and he’s always there for her even after our divorce… That’s her daddy…
2 Likes
Do nothing. He is doing everything to this relationship himself, doing it in. Keep the relationship alive with his parents because they care. Explain to your daughter it isn’t her, it is him. He is too immature to be a parent.
1 Like
You can not force the issue for him to spend time with her! It is his loss as as she gets older she can choose! Please do not deprive the grandparents of visitation, the best!
Document all of this … you can go back and get the order revised and also your child may be allowed to have a say in whether these visitations need to be kept up … she has a relationship with her paternal grandparents and that’s a good thing for them and her. Her father has no interest and forcing him to be a parent isn’t possible so it should be revised to reflect that.
1 Like
Ask support to set up a parental workshop for the both of you, if he doesn’t show up it’ll be registered through the court. Document everything. Keep all text messages or any letters or communication and make copies of them. Suggest your daughter be in counseling which would be beneficial to her. But also suggests that you and he attends some of them. They will see how he interacts with his daughter… All this documented and taken to the court will help them see a pattern. And help you tremendously. Thank God for his mom and dad stepping in to take over his responsibilities.
I definitely recommend counseling for your daughter. She needs to understand it’s not her fault her father isn’t a dad. And help her relationship with her stepfather and Grandparents.
Keep doing what you have been, when she’s old enough she can decide if she wants to keep a relationship with her dad, went through the same thing with my kids but he had drug issues and when he was clean was a good dad but he chose drugs over family and was killed by them… at least she has her grandparents who dote on her… she is already forming her opinion and you have to stay on her side but don’t say anything bad about him save that for venting to us or your friends… soon she will be able to stand up in court and say whether she wants to continue seeing her dad
1 Like
There’s nothing you can really do. I would try asking her if she wants to see her dad on visitation days. I’m assuming she’s old enough to make a simple choice like that. If she says she doesn’t want to see him, call him. Let her tell him she doesn’t want to. Let her cancel the plans with her father. The courts can’t force a kid to be around a parental figure she doesn’t want to be around. It happened to me. it was a little late, but I remember when I was 14 and said I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. He fell off the face of the earth after that. Let her show him how she feels. Even if he doesn’t believe it, the proof is in the pudding.
1 Like
(Going through similar events) Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, your daughter already sees that he doesn’t care like he should and you can’t force a relationship between them. So my advise is to just let him be a deadbeat and worry about the family that does care.
You cannot force a relationship between them. It is lovely that she has caring grandparents and certainly should have a relationship with them. Over both of their lifetime, they will either work this out or not. It is not within your power to control or cultivate their relationship.
I think you should just feel blessed that your in laws are fulfilling his obligation for him. I had the same experience when my daughter was 3 years old. I never said anything negative about her father but told her instead that when her dad matures he will want a relationship with her. To cut the long story short, he started coming around when my daughter gave birth to my granddaughter and now they are a family.
Don’t force it. Give her your and your husband’s love. That’s all you can do. Put him on child support. Maybe then he will give up his rights and your husband could adopt her.
When she is 9 she will be able to speak for herself in court and the judge will respect her wishes
Appeal to the court!! You now have evidence he is a no show or a bailer at visitations so the court will see that and could potentially fast track him to sign his rights away or something…
There is no point going on with this rolleecoaster if he isnt willing to be a apart of her life…
Dragging her theough this is only going to make it worse on her, talk to your lawyer and ask for their opinion on what the courts may be willing to do. Get the records from the visitation place and have it ready for evidence for the courts.
I addressing this about him not his parents, if you all have a good relationship then props to you guys for keeping it going. Encourage that relationship because they need their grandparents in their lives just as much as a mum and dad.
1 Like
Don’t do anything,you can’t force him to love her.It sounds like she already understands that if she doesn’t like him and rightly so…It is a comfort his parents are loving her,she’s lucky a lot don’t have that.Its totally his loss,I’d just forget him tbh
Your daughter decides she’s old enough to understand and she doesn’t have to go with him anymore. I’m sure the judge will approve of that since he’s not consistent. Get her a counselor to so they help all of you.
There’s really nothing you can do…he is an adult an makes the decision to do what he wants when he wants to…its unfortunate that your daughter has to miss out on having her biological father in her life but he seems to not want to be a figure in her life at all and whatever reason is it is selfish on his part. Pray for peace an closure with the situation.
You wanting her to love a father that is apparently not fit is about you. Validate her feelings and allow her to be herself. It is very important. Explaining that his behavior is not because she is unlovable but because he is struggling with something that is personal to him and not in any way a reflection of her worth. Let her know how loved she is. This is not her fault. Keep supporting her. I feel for you. It is so difficult to go through these things. Please don’t lead her to believe she needs to love someone who is not showing up the way a parent should. It can send a message that it’s her job to put her feelings aside for the sake of “love”. Not bad mouthing the father but teaching about limited capabilities of each person and how it is not a reflection of her value.
There isn’t really anything that you can do. Just let her know that you and your husband love her. She will either cut him out completely or just accept he is what he is and he will regret one day that he wasted this time with her. I went through this with an ex of my own.
You can’t force people to love or build a relationship. You have to let it go. Even if somehow you could legally force him to participate in her life it will only hurt her worse in the long run. Reassure her it has nothing to do with her personally and be honest as in don’t lie to her by making excuses for him. (Just my humble opinion.)
Why try and make her love him? Like I told kids before. You aren’t the problem and someday your dad will grow up and hopefully start being a dad. He loves you but can’t express for whatever reason.Till then love the people who love you. Pray that your dad comes around. He is missing out on greatness. Be happy and hopefully one day he will come around. If not remember his loss not yours.
Just keep showing in court he isn’t there and how bad that is for her self esteem trust me I was that kid who’s mom never showed up to visitation
I would just let it ride and keep a running journal. I would contact his parents to see if they would like some time on his weekends regardless if they want to stay connected. DO NOT UNDER ANY Circumstances bash him in her presence. Just tell her Daddy loves you, and he is doing the best he can. Just leave it at that. She will put it all together too soon. Don’t let family bash him either. She will come to het own conclusions
You do nothing but rise your daughter. You just have to tell her her dad is her dad and you can’t make him do anything. You just have to love him for who he is right now. She has a relationship with her grand parents. And she has one with her father, maybe you my want him to step up more, but dont get yourself and your family worked up over it, continue to live.
As someone who’s father always blew her off growing up (my parents split when I was a baby) it’s sooooo hurtful. It might take her years to understand but it cuts deep. I guess I don’t know the answer because cutting him out will probably just cause your daughter to resent and blame you for the lack of relationship but maybe try talking to him about how his actions are/will effect her now and down the road. I’m sorry y’all are dealing with this. I will you the best!
Who is supervising these accesses…???
All his fails and leaving early, should be recorded. This evidence you can take back to court and have his access cut to 4 times a year. Maybe then he can organise himself. Always keep up the contact with his parents. As you say, they are wonderful… he is just a dead beat dad… your daughter will work him out. Never say anything negative about him to her.
All the best…
So be it ! Don’t push it ! Let it go let him go he will come around when all the work is done and she is grown (or maybe not) she is happy with her step dad don’t make her worry about her real dad you will all be happier
The child will figure out, soon, that her Father isn’t dependable… .The truth is painful 
This is damaging to her and anxiety producing. If it were me, I would get a lawyer. I would also take her to a counselor first to explore how this affects her so the lawyer has the report prior to court. I would continue to let her see her grandparents. I’m curious why he had supervised visits. As a Guardian and Litem, my experience is that supervised visits are usually because there is drug abuse, alcohol abuse, child abuse, or neglect.
You are doing everything right. I was in this situation 30+ years ago. My ex was the same way. When your daughter gets olde enough to understand what is going on. Let her make the choice to either to let him into her life. My ex wanted to start getting reacquaint with our daughter the day she turned 18. Always told me there are one or two things that you can do. Love him or respect him she does not have to do both
U can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to. I know that sounds terrible but it’s true. I’m sorry U have to go thru this. U can’t force something that isn’t there. All u can do is u! I have been thru a similar situation
Sounds like you and your daughter have no choice but to set back and wait for your x to grow up.That will give your daughter plenty of time to figure out if her dad is worth waiting for!!! That’s called a kid with a kid!!! Good luck!!!
You’re probably going to have to take them back to court and have his rights terminated I would talk to the social worker involved because it’s doing more damage to her than good with these visits by him being kid and Miss hit and miss I’ve gone through this with mine my children are grown now and it was very damaging I never said a bad word about him to them and let them decide on their own because if you speak bad about him in front of them they are part of them and you don’t want him to feel bad about themselves it’s wonderful that the manner was now is so good to her I wish you the best
If he goes an entire year without seeing her you can go to the courthouse and file for abandonment where he has no rights.
How is it being supervised? If it is an professional service they should be able to help manage this ie set expectations with him, record times ect and communicate the negatives of his behaviour. If it’s only family/friend then perhaps it’s time to consider a service to keep everyone accountable and supported
Are you sure your daughter has not said something to your ex or his parents about wanting their stepfather to be their dad?
I know the above should not be a valid reason to bail on your kid it should make him work harder to be a better parent.
His parents are enabling him by taking his visitations for him. You cannot make a parent be a parent.
I know you want the time for yourself when he is a no call no show or makes other plans,but that’s a character issue and most courts will not do anything. You may be able to amend the visitations for the grandparents and take him off the schedule for awhile. He will either notice or he will walk away and you will have your answers.
Be grateful your child has a set of parents and grandparents that love and care take for them.
stay with grandparents. they won’t be around for ever and then let the child decide what she wants
Wash your hands of him he does not deserve her she is smarter than you think let her choose when she wants to go see how he feels when she denies him
I love how many people told her to not bad mouth the other parent. It is cruel and damaging to a child.
What a waste of time ,she don’t even like him, I’d move on and not even bother with him , let your current be her dad
In my case, the parent would fail to show up and the child was devastated. We informed the judge and she ordered that the child would not leave for a supervised visit until the parent showed up first. Eventually the judge ended visits as it was too hard on the child.
Daughter isn’t liking him.
He doesn’t show up.
Let it play out.
Be her mother. The father can walk away or not.
I have 3 boys all ten years apart not one of their fathers have ever done anything made contact or paid maintenance .my family have also been of little support for two younger ones …30 years later I’m glad they are all well adjusted loving humans …I’ve been mostly alone on this journey do what you know in your heart to be right for you and your daughter 
that’s all 
Let your daughter have the right to do what is best for her she has the paternal parents to lean on so it is the fathers loss but by the sound of it he doesnt care
Sorry for ur baby. State will not let him sign over his rights if there isn’t another man or person to assume that responsibility unfortunately.
Just do what your daughter wishes. It’s his loss. She doesn’t have to see him if she doesn’t want to.
I’d stop stressing over it. Let the grandparents know to take her on his weekends but always have a back up plan for when he doesn’t show. Don’t be the reason she doesn’t at least have the chance to see him because if he ever straightens out and she likes him again, she’ll blame you for not allowing her time with him. Does he not see her because he has to pay for supervision? Is it absolutely necessary for that or can he just take her to the park for a while on his own? Maybe that’s the biggest deterrent for him
Your a good mum trying to make sure your daughter has a relationship with his daughter sadly sounds like he doesn’t deserve it
No matter what a prick your daughter father is,he is still her father.
As long as he is not abusing her in any way then just go with the flow,if he don’t show up for his visitations then so be it…
Your daughter will get to the Age where she will start voicing her opinion to him about him.
She needs to be able to form her own opinion about him…
And maybe he will grow up and realize how blessed he is to have a daughter and change his ways…
Let’s just hope for the best…
You can not force him to be a good father .
My ex was same way never cared to see his children and never paid a dime in child support.
You must stop worrying about him and just get on with your life .
You cant force someone to be a parent. It isnt for everyone.
My father divorced my mum when i was a baby, although he was a successful celebrity he had no intrest, paid no child support and never contacted me.
Get the best lawyer you can afford, contact social services and get their help too as this is emotionally damaging your child.
Get his rights terminated or at the very least get scheduled visitations terminated.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but it seems like you’re more upset about this situation than your ex and your daughter.
All that matters in this situation is what your daughter wants and she has clearly expressed that she doesn’t want to see him and doesn’t like him. Which is OKAY! And her thoughts and feelings should be validated especially in this situation. She doesn’t have to like your ex because to her he’s not her dad, her stepdad is. Kids don’t care about biology, they care about who is there and showing up for them.
My advice is to stop putting your ideal situation onto your daughter. Because the disappointment will only harm her mentally. She needs to make the decision if she wants to see him or not and it seems that she doesn’t want to.
OMG leave it alone. Of course she loves her dad. Why do you need a lawyer. Love her and don’t dwell on it.
Keep doing what you are supposed to do. She will eventually see for herself who is always there and form her own opinion.
I would document everything maybe the court will side with you. Are you married? Does your husband want to adopt her? Maybe thats something you could get done. I cant stand deadbeat dads.
The best thing you can do is write him off and move on. Don’t talk bad about him to your daughter. If your daughter feels about him the way you say she does, she really shouldn’t even have to see him. You should let her see and visit her grandparents who are so good to her. Be glad he doesn’t show up, just don’t voice your opinion about it. You are lucky that her grandparents love her and do things for her. Things could be so much worse than him not showing up. When he sees that he really doesn’t have the upper hand on you, it could lead him to change. Maybe, maybe not. Don’t try to control him, let him go on his way. And best of all, turn your situation over to God and he will work things out. Pray about it and pray for your X. Stop trying to control things yourself, you may be lost in trying to have control also. You need help on that and God’s help is your best bet. If God doesn’t answer your prayers the way you want him too, it doesn’t mean that he hasn’t answered the prayer. It just means that he has another plan for you and your daughter. Stay strong. Believe me, I know from experience.
If I had a court order for every other weekend with monitor visits I wouldn’t show up either. You and your court order is what is hurting the relationship with her father.
My ex husband could see our daughters every other weekend. He did at first as long as he had a girlfriend or wife in his life. But when they kick him out. He stopped having anything to do with my kids. I never talked bad about there father I would call him to come see them even if it was a few hours on Sunday. I made sure my kids had a relationship with his parents. Finally he left. Nobody knows where he is now. His family or my kids have not seen him in years. His mom and brother died and he didn’t show up to the funeral and he got word they had passed. But my daughters call him their sperm donor. It is sad but true. They consider my late husband as their father. So your daughter will be fine as long as she has a father figure in her life.
Don’t force her to see him if she doesn"t want to. What is your reason for trying to force this on her? Listen to your
precious child.
Keep a record of it. Like in a calendar and keep track of everything. After you have notes for a bit of time, take it back to court and show them. It’s unacceptable and I don’t care who anyone is. Kids should ALWAYS be number one and if they aren’t utilizing the time they get with the child, then they shouldn’t have rights. Period. This goes for men and women.
Go back to court and renegotiate child support- more money for you because your are doing the child caring.
my kids dad was never any good in their lives either and never even ever sent them a birthday gift yet took me to court for anything under the sun for harassment. eventually they just realize who is there for them and who loves them and cut their losses and don’t really want anything to do with him. they are all grown up and have no relationship with him because he puts no effort in to seeing them or being apart of their life. as a sentimental gesture my adult daughter actually wanted, and had, her step father that raised her adopt her even though she was now married. the kids will move on eventually and be just fine.
Take him back to court and file for sole custody
Why he only has couple of hours.
Maybe he wants and entire day.
My kids therapist told me you can not force people to do things.
Maybe get her to ring her dad and have a chat . During the week .
Be the best mom you can be. Learn from your mistakes so they are not repeated.
You can’t fix this. Nor do you want to control this mess. Learn from it
1 Like
Personal opinion, your better off without some deadbeat hanging around your whole life in and out when they choose.
He’s avoiding responsibility , I’m dealing with the exact same thing - for almost 5 years now
Would your husband consider adopting her? Would your daughter want this and would he? If so, the lawyer would handle everything.
I would first start by not putting “father” in quotes. You are communicating those quotes to your daughter, consciously or unconsciously.
The place I did visits had three misses and you could not use it any more…
Let the grandparents spend time with her don’t worry about him
3 Likes