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QUESTION:
"I have been with my fiancé for just over three years. He proposed to me this Valentine’s Day in a big way and I said yes. Since then my 21 year old daughter has not spoken to me and has blocked me on all social media. I am in love with a man with a mental illness which at times can be challenging. He has taken steps to be the best version of himself he can be. He takes medication and sees and psychiatrist. My family is concerned for me and do not condone our engagement. I am divorced from a man who had cheated on me after 20 years of marriage and he is the father of my children. My kids do not like the idea of my fiancé becoming a permanent fixture. I have no intention of leaving him. I love him very much and we are absolutely amazing together. He is my best friend and I have never ever felt such a connection to anybody. He loves me and is not afraid to let the world know. He is bipolar and has ADHD which is rough at times. However, we have the tools to navigate this. I love my daughter very much but she does not get to decide who I am allowed to keep company with. Without question they have seen the very worst of him. But, do not ever see the very best of him which I get to everyday. His outbursts are impactful and that is what is always remembered, never the good. He is so much more then his mental illness and by choice I am committed to our life. I love him, but not his mental illness. I have no intention of marrying soon. I do love the commitment though. Our friends and extended family have been extremely supportive. However, my immediate family is upset by my choice to commit long term. How can we get passed this? I am making it clear that giving up my relationship is not an option. My children are away at school and home just a few weeks out of the year and each time they are home has gotten better. My daughter refuses to give him a chance even though he has been great to her. They do have a history… battling for my attention. At times I am so emotionally drained from her because she fixates on any tiny fault. I love my children and I love my fiancé. But it’s taking it’s toll on me. Im trying to make her see that he genuinely is a great person, just plagued by a mental illness. Any advice would be appreciated."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"If your kids are grown do you. Be happy. If not your kids should come first."
"Having a mental illness is not a “get out of consequences free card” and you’re excusing his behaviour like your daughter’s emotional wellbeing doesn’t matter… you’re her mother and she is your daughter no matter how old she is… Sounds like your daughter has her reasons to not want him to become a permanent fixture in her home and she’s as entitled to her feelings if you are to yours. So I guess the real question is are you prepared to lose your daughter for this man? Because you very likely will."
"Grown children have no say in who you spend time with . Same as you don’t have a say in their love life."
"You’ve sort of thrown your kids into the deep end with a guy with his difficulties. If there has been history then you can’t really expect her to just out that to bed. Maybe write her a letter and speak to your fiance and explain that she will need some time to come round and its normal for some kids to have this stance when their parents meet someone. Sounds like he will need more reassurance than your daughter incase he really took her attitude to heart. Having history tho? You can’t excuse his behaviour either."
"Are you willing to lose the relationship with your daughter for a man it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself is a good man? I don’t care how grown my children are, if they would literally cut contact with me over a guy I’m seeing, I wouldn’t be seeing him anymore. There are plenty of fish in the sea but you only have so many children."
"You can say yes, your family will accept it or not. You can’t always live up to all their expectations just as they’re not likely to live up to yours, either. You’ll be fine."
"I hope that you aren’t excusing abuse by saying he has a mental illness. Maybe your children are concerned for you and see things for what they are. It’s an amazing feeling to be in love but sometimes it clouds our judgement. I don’t mean to speculate but I’ve noticed you’ve referenced his mental illness several times and have stated they’ve seen him at his worst. Thinking of you and wishing you the best."
"Something someone said to me recently…you’re biased by your emotion to make judgment impartially. Your family has an outside view of things. If all your family ever see is the bad, I would be questioning why. Mental illness is irrelevant, his behaviour is not."
"You might be to close in your relationship to see the red flags your family is seeing. It’s going to be a tough road if you’re family sees the red flags and you don’t… Have you asked what the reasons are for their dislike towards him?"
"Please read what you just type. You are underplaying his outburst and over selling the relationship, that itself is a red flag. You’re so wrapped up by this man that you are ignoring the red flags and don’t want to hear from the people that can see through it all. You’re blaming your daughter for dealing with his meltdowns instead of holding your man accountable. Be honest with yourself and stop making excuses. If he is that great stop seeking other validation"
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