My fiance found out he cannot have kids and now I feel like my daughter and I are not enough for him: Advice?

I think you have it backwards. I feel like he may feel as if he’s not enough for YOU! Give him time to process. Get a 2nd opinion. Don’t stop trying because there are several people that have had miracles happen, and maybe when he’s ready talk about options as in adoption.

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Be patient, Be kind, Be understanding, be supportive. This is some thing he hast to process on his own and work through his emotions before he can talk about it or fully discuss it with you. I know it’s hard seeing him go through this and fill in some of the effects of it. To find out you can’t have kids of your own one of the worst feelings for a dad that finds out he can’t have a child of his own That’ll always be with him kind of like a woman who lost pregnancy never leaves you.

He can’t provide you with another child he can’t provide your daughter with a sibling that’s hard.

He’s got to grieve this loss. He’s essentially lost a part of himself.

When the time is right I’ll talk to you just let them know you’re there and you always will be and that he’s very loved and he is amazing father.

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I was told I couldn’t have any more children I have had three healthy Happy babies :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Give him time and let him mourn this. I know it’s different because he can’t carry a child, but women who can’t carry children grieve this too. I think it’s just a natural biological response. Men have the right to feel the same when they find out they can’t have biological kids of their own. I’m sure his love for you and your guys’ daughter has not changed.

Maybe he’s just depressed and not purposely holding out on your daughter. Did they say why he couldn’t have kids? I was told I couldn’t have kids after my first and now I have 3. There might be treatments he can try, depending on what the problem was.

There is nothing wrong with being honest with your partner. Tell him how you are feeling.

“I understand that you are grieving and rightly so but I’ve noticed you’re being distant with our daughter. I really don’t think that’s fair. We are your support system. We are here for you. Please don’t push either of us away.”

It was probably a big shock to him. Maybe he will be different for a while. Let him grieve. The thought to never be able to have children of his own was a big deal to him, not that you and your daughter aren’t enough, but you have to be understanding to how he must feel. Just give him time to grieve and process

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Why do I feel I live in a world where men are suppost to greive for like 10 mins and move on :neutral_face: let him greive and process this is devistating for him :sob: step by step look into options :slight_smile: counseling and support him :heart: he will come around he’s allowed to feel sad devistated and hurt

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Let him grieve and sit and have a talk about adopting a baby for you both to have together. That is a special gift to have together.

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I think he could be grieving. It’s considered a loss. I’m sos sorry. Maybe you can find a support group near you.

He just needs time… grief has many stages, and hes gonna get angry too, and it might get directed at you two. Be there for him. Then look into artificial insemination, it may not be biologically his, but he won’t have to share with another dad and it will be his from birth. That makes a difference. Your daughter called another man dad, not him, he needs that. So talk to him about it when he’s ready… its not the blood, its the bond, and sharing her with another man is tough, so give him what he needs.

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Miracles happen. Let him grieve it’s hard I’m sure he still loves yall just the same. I was told I had a 15% chance of carrying a baby to delivery and it surviving after 2 miscarriages I have 3 little Angel’s 5,2 and 9 months. Please get a second opinion. Give him some space and time and maybe see if he will talk with a counselor. He will come around just be loving caring and patient

I would definitely get a second opinion with a successful infertility clinic; there are several ways they can help. If not, then I agree with everyone else that he needs time to grieve. My husband didn’t want to adopt, but the minute they put our baby in his arms, he was in love.

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Give him time tell him how you feel . He is a dad to your daughter that should not change

So tell ur hubs doctor is not always right. I know a person that was told exact same thing. And he had a little girl his bio child. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR GOD

Have you all tried ivf?

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Men hide under a rock with their emotions. Girl, I know you said you understand he’s probably hurt, but it’s not just hurt, there’s anger and DEPRESSION) Being told you can’t have children Is HARD. I was told I couldn’t, luckily they were wrong, But also, get a second opinion, look into options. This isn’t the end of the road if you guys don’t want it to be!

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You need to be there for him hes having a really rough time dealing with this obviously and is very down about it maybe have a sit down with him and have a very deep talk about how much he means to the both of you and how your feeling both you and daughter just need to be there for him, hold him tight. It’s rough news and probably broke his heart, he is blinded by grief you just need to show him the family and love he already has isnt going anywhere and is just the same and as good, also it never hurts to keep trying all it takes is one good swimmer to get through, miracles in that way do happen sometimes.

He’s got to have time to process this. You would be the same way if he only had a child right now. Also get a 2nd opinion and look into other options like adoption, etc…Good luck!

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Encourage him to get counseling to process this very hurtful information. Be supportive and understanding.

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I don’t want this to sound rude, because that’s not at all how I mean it, but if the woman and child he has had for 3.5 years isn’t “enough” for him, no one ever will be. It’s not you that can’t have children, it’s him. So leaving you and your daughter, doesn’t in any way resolve his issues. With that being said, I know men and women who have been told they will never have children and now have one or more of their own biological children. It’s still a possibility. Not to mention, there are other options. You two could go through IVF, you could adopt. My best advice is that while he is processing this information, remind him that he is already a dad. An amazing one. Blood doesn’t make a mother/father. I know her biological father is involved, as you said, but that doesn’t take anything away from your fiancé also being her dad. There are so many children who don’t have one dad, she has two, thanks to him. Remind him of that. Reassure him of that and the fact that y’all will get through it.

You are taking things too personal and not putting yourself in his shoes whatsoever. Finding out you can’t have kids when all you’ve ever wanted was to have one is so hard to deal with and the pain doesn’t go away in a day. Be supportive and understanding and there for him.

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Counseling might help if the two of you went. Maybe adopting might help but it seems that the issue is that he can’t have any biological kids and adopting won’t help that. I think the first step is processing it. Then going from their.

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If this is something he really wanted, and was basically shattered after being told it wasn’t possible then he is grieving.

  1. denial
  2. anger
  3. bargaining
  4. depression
  5. acceptance

What stage he is at depends on how long ago he was given this news and how he is coping. He is hurt and is not fully at acceptance yet, so the best thing you need to do is allow him to go through this process and be there for him… don’t make it worse by adding fuel to the fire. From what you said, he loves both you and your daughter he just needs time!

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Miracles do happen. I would even get a second opinion. I was always told by doctors that I could never get PG then I had two boys. It took many years. I finally had my first one in 2012. One is 8 and one is 7 years old.

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I’m currently in the same situation. I know your feeling.

I would try to get him to talk to a doctor about how this affecting him

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Encourage him to get a second opinion

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They told me the same thing and I have a 7 year old now I was 28 when we had her took that long

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Like not at all or could fertility drugs help or IVF?

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Give him some time girl! He’s pro just hurting! :cry: maybe sit down and talk to him and just let him know how you feel!

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Im so sorry, he needs all the support from you he can get right now. Maybe try and get a second opinion my best friends husband was told for years he would never be able to have a child (my friend has 3 kids from a previous relationship) he took her kids in and has loved them unconditionally. She’s now 7 months pregnant with his baby boy. Best of wishes to you and your man

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My husband was told by a doctor that he would have a very hard time near impossible time to have children. We laughed and said we have 2 already. With my issues and my husband’s issues we shouldn’t have be able to have children, but we do.

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U know shit happens and yes we r told things but never give up God has giving people miracle baby’s don’t underestimate the power of God. I know so many people who have been told they could never have kids and let me tell those that have said that have at least 1 miracle baby. It can happen but patience is everything

Give him time to come to terms with the news. Depression, anger, and other feelings from news like that can take a long time to heal or not be as strong. The things he is saying is just from the hurt he feels inside not from his actual feelings about your family. I have been through the same thing, not about fertility but with my eyes and destroyed dreams and I was devastated and lashed out for a while.

The news of not being able to have children is devastating to hear, especially when the person wanted children so badly. Give him time, space, just listen when he wants to talk about it. Take care of yourself and your little girl. Time and patience. Good luck :heart:

He is grieving, give him a little time.

That’s a big thing to take in, be there for him and reassure him that it doesn’t change how you feel towards him. You need to be really supportive of him right now. His dream just got crushed of becoming a father. Is there any chance that he can get tests done to help his swimmers?

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How do u feel that ur not good enough when he’s the one that can’t have kids🤔

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Artificial insemination ,adopt ,foster ,etc. There are other ways to " have kids " ! :heart::blue_heart:

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Have him get a 2nd opinion. If it comes back the same, let him grieve & then maybe he could see a therapist

Sit down and talk to him about it but make sure he also knows that you understand how he feels and is hurt

Maybe he feels like you may kick him out now that you know. A child doesn’t need to be biological for a person to love it. Perhaps you two need a ‘date night’, without your daughter there to clear the air. You guys could always look at adoption. Children just need love and you both have that. Good luck :ok_hand:

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The sperm of the donor doesn’t make the father the one that has the time, love and energy invested does…

Sounds like you two need to talk

I think is just his frustration about he can’t have a family pray for him Let him know you love him and there is always more options Talk to him :heart:

You guys might benefit from a few sessions with a family therapist.
It could help both of you adjust and figure out how you want to handle this new information.

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I think you need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart. Lead with empathy and how you care about him and are saddened he can’t have kids. You would like to discuss with him other options, but first you need to talk about some things that have been hurting you. If he can empathize back with you and apologizes then you can move forward and discuss other options. Have you considered fostering and adoption? I have many friends that foster and have adopted. My best friend’s adoption party for her daughter is tomorrow actually. I know it’s not for everyone though, and can be a tough road. I want to encourage you in the idea though, that just because he can’t have biological children doesn’t mean he can’t be a father. He’s already a father to your daughter. He can also be a father to other children that need one. He could join a Big Brother program, check your local churches for a fathering program. Just last night a woman in my single mother’s group posted how glad she was that her church has a program for the fathers to hang out with and mentor the boys in the church that didn’t have fathers. There are secular programs too, if you’re not religious, like the Big Brother program. He could do Scouts. Coach little league. There are many ways to be a father.

Gently remind him that this is his family. It MAY be the only family he ever has. Remind him that he is loved.

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Let him grieve his loss

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Give it time. He has to come
To accept this big change in his plans for y’all’s lives . Let him grieve for what is not to come . Love him as you do and your love and your Child’s love will be enough.

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He needs time to process such a huge life change. This is the death of his future kids for him. This is not what he ever expected for himself. Try to be patient and understand it’s really not about you and your little girl right now, this is him time to receive support and love. Be there for him like he’s been there you guys all this time.

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I agree with many of the suggestions here although I have a suggestion of Maybe talking it over with her bio dad first but seeing if he’s interested in adopting her when you two get married, I understand it’s something everyone needs to be on board with but step parents are equally important in a childs life and a good /great step parent makes all the difference maybe if he has time to process it all he will realize how important he is in one little girls life already and step up to the challenge of being her bonus Dad💙

2nd opinion. Also. Turn it around and tell him he’s a father figure to ur daughter. And how life works in mysterious ways

I would get him a second opinion with a good urologist that specializes in fertility. My husband worked/studied with such a doctor in Houston. When we were trying to have a baby my husband found out he had a zero sperm count. None. Not one. After some more testing, to which they did not find a cause, my husband started some medications. After 3 months he re-tested and he had a normal sperm count. We now have a 1 year old. Find a good fertility specialist for men.

He needs to know you are ok with him not being able to have kids…he’s feeling less than and needs you to say he is enough for you…and it will take time…he is grieving for a lost life he dreamed of

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Oh man he is hurt and in turn is hurting you. I suggest therapy for him and how to deal with with he has been told. Just like us women being told we can’t have children it takes a toll on us and we tend to lash out at others. Please don’t give up on him

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You know there are lots of children who need a good home. He can’t help what’s happened but lot of people love adopted children as much as their own. And he will be helping out some unwanted child somewhere. Talk about this, maybe a boy. would give him more manly things to do. That would be a great family, right?

I had a similar situation. He needs to seek counseling first off, if he is constantly bringing it up. Then you need to have a talk with him about how his comments make you feel and how you’ve noticed some changes. Of course remind him that you understand his hurt and you are there for him. Tell him that you are still a family and sometimes life just doesn’t go the way you planned or look like you thought it would. God’s plan always has purpose, a reason and I firmly believe that sometimes it’s to humble us and let us be happy with what we have first. If he does start to feel better and come around, then there are always other options, but I know not everyone is happy with them. As another lady in here said, always keeping trying (because it’s still love making, you know?). I don’t know his medical history but if there is a slim chance (like he just has low count), then there is always a chance! I can attest to the whole “it happens when you stop trying so hard”. We tried for 4 years and just became pregnant this year (5th year) when we gave up and stopped seeking medical help. What he is going through is grief. He’s grieving the idea/dream of the family he saw y’all having. But when he addresses that grief, he needs to know how it’s affecting y’all. He may not say it, but he also may have feelings deep down that he isn’t enough and you will think less of him and leave him. Just be there for him, and show him nothing but love.

If he never deals with the grief then you may have to look at the long term and make a hard decision, but I really hope he is able to look past this and love your family as it is :heart:

He is grieving for the loss of his future children. It will take him time just like it would take us woman. Sometimes we forget men have hearts too. Just keep reassuring him y’all aren’t going anywhere, and y’all are in this together.

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Idk about not feeling enough but u never know miracles happen everyday. I was told the chances of kids were slim between all of me and my husband’s issues but we have 3 now. Maybe have him get further testing 2 see just what the issue is. u may just be in luck with other possibilities. Keep a positive attitude when the time is right it will happen.

People hurting, hurt people.

He may not even intentionally be doing it. However, you need to keep in mind he IS grieving. Grieving little people he has always wanted, grieving a future he feels he can never have now. You need to give him time. See if he is willing to start counseling.

In the meantime, remind him that you and your daughter love him. Support him. Listen to him. He is in a dark place right now and that is 100% okay and normal.

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It does take some time for men to accept the fact they can’t have kids. Some doctors say they can’t have kids then years later they do. Go see other doctors to be sure… its not that ypu two aren’t enough but his whole life he wanted his own kid and now finding out he can have one he’s just gotta accept that. I’m sure you guys are more than enough he chose you two to be around he just needs some time to accept this news love… everything will be okay keep your head up and try not to give him a hard time… he’s already going through the motions right now.

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My ex couldnt have kids we both used maca root vitamins and we now have a beautiful 3 year old daughter.

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My husband and couldn’t have our own children so he adopted mine as well as the grandchildren

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That’s odd, I would think because he cannot have any. That he’d be more inclined to bond more with you two

Give him time geez how would you feel?

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It must be so hard for him. Infertility is hard on men and women. Definitely agree he might benefit from therapy and maybe seeing a doctor to help with fertility. I saw maca root already recommended, I’d also mention tribulus a supplement that has helped some men with fertility issues. Hope you both find healing and acceptance.

Just give him time and be there for him. He probably is not distancing himself on purpose.
Let him know not to take what the doctor says FULLY to heart. I know couples where one or the other were unfortunately told they couldn’t have babies. Guess what? They have babies now!
Some more than one child. There are things you can do to help and miracles DO happen. Just don’t give up. :blush:
Let him also know that just because your daughter is not biologically his, it does NOT make him any less of a dad and then remind him of all the good he has brought to your life and especially your daughter’s.
Let your daughter that he is just going through a tough time right now, but your husband still loves her very much. I’m not sure how much she is picking up on his change in behavior, but it’s always nice to have reassurance.
Everything will work out. Sending prayers and good thoughts! :heart:

You just went on a litany of all the wonderful things he has done for your daughter and how much he is part of her life, but then say you feel you arent “good enough”
Ridiculous…he is grieving and trying to process that he cant have children …dont make it about you because it isnt…give him time.

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Why can he not have children? They told my husband the same and he has one. If you want max results then do a fast- he will produce healthy sperm in no time. Men’s bodies are amazing

I was told I couldn’t have kids. I got pregnant with my daughter at 25 and then 10 years later had my second daughter. I know everyone isn’t that lucky I’m just saying doctors aren’t always right and God has the final say.
Maybe there is a way y’all could do sperm donation or adopt and him still feel like it’s his baby. If he just recently found out he still needs time to process. Just imagine being told you couldn’t have kids when that’s all you wanted. It’s a hard pill to swallow and definitely takes some processing.

I was informed at 14 that I would never be able to have my own children which was devastating but when I met my now DH he had two beautiful little girls and I knew after a time that they needed me as much as I needed them. Fast forward a year and we had our first miracle boy then a year later our second miracle boy and a year later yet another miracle boy. Let him have all the time he needs to come to terms and get his head wrapped around this news and hoped he will realize what I did and love your baby as much as you do

i left my first husband for the fact that he couldn’t have children bc it was the one thing i wanted so bad in life, but he would always make comments about how he wasn’t good enough, he couldnt give me the one thing i wanted… it ruined us honestly… looking back… 10/11 years later i feel selfish about it… i feel bad about it… there were other ways for us to have children… but at the time our marriage was just too far gone… in my situation it probably worked out for the best… sit down & talk it out bc there are many many options… which i was not even aware of at the time. i hope that whatever happens it works out for the best for you! it’s devastating, i know. ive been there. <3 hugs & love <3

Just remind him that being a father isnt about blood. Expecaly since he cant have kids. Im so sorry. Ur just as much as a family and u can talk to ur child and her bio father and c if they would be ok with ur fiancé adopting her and bio dad would still get his time as well but her last name would be his. He just has to except the fact he cant before he moves on. Remind me u and ur daughter love him and hes been there since 3yrs old. Things to think about.

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Be supportive and let him get through this.i was told I couldn’t have kids I have had two miscarriage and 3 living .they adamitly said I couldn’t have kids .I fell apart for a while

Adoption? At least you would be doing that together.

I would get a second opinon my dad was told he couldn’t have kids (i mean that was forever ago but still) and ik a couple friends that were told the same thing and then had kids

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I think your have emotional reaction to the news -
He not your daughter father -
She has a relationship with her father. He at best " extra a adult -" in her life. That role of father is filled.
Both need to emotional feel this loss-
Talk about options - adoption- ect-’

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Right now what your partner is going through Is often experienced as an assault on a man’s self-esteem and self-image. Infertility is a very challenging and stressful life event. Encourage your partner to open up to you or a professional counselor experienced in working with couples dealing with infertility. Im not sure how far he’s went in this diagnosis, but there are fertility clinics that can offer a second opinion and some conditions can be treated. Just don’t give up hope. Remind him too that you don’t have to be the biological father of a child to be a great dad, he’s proven that with your daughter.

Get a second opinion/ my son in law was told he couldn’t aswell and they had 2Girls. Back to Back.MANY blessings to you and YOURS.

I’m sure that he is suffering inside, no doubt. It also makes me wonder if he would have had a biological child, would he have treated your daughter differently then also? Hopefully, after he has had some time to recover from the news, he will start to recover and accept that things didn’t work out like he planned. Unfortunately, that has happened to many of us in one way or another. I know of one couple that shortly after they adopted their first daughter, they found out that another one was on the way. Who knows? Maybe give him sometime and then try to communicate with each other.

I know 2 people who have bonus grandchildren & they are the most wonderful grandparents I know, couldn’t love those kids any less.

It takes more than biology to be a parent. I know. I’m a bonus mom and could not love them anymore than if I birthed them

Give him time we all cope differently and as a man I’m sure it is a very hard blow to his ego

Get in couples counseling and see if he is willing to also go see a counselor one on one

Is he sure he can’t there has been instances where doctors are wrong.

Well that’s not good, the enough. Adopt? A topic I could so get me started on.

He needs: 2nd opinion, fertility specialist, therapy, and time.

Sorry I feel like that is just excuses he is making, get a second opinion they are things he could do to raise his sperm count up to get u pregnant, if for sure he can not, Adopting is same u don’t need to be a biological father to be a father, he should know that by now helping u with ur child, plenty of kids in need of a parents out there, I think just a bunch of excuses, there is gotta be more to his excuses

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He will need to go through the grieving process. He may need the assistance of a grief counselor. This is a huge blow to any human who wants to have children. Don’t judge him, support him.

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He needs to process. And you need to let him do it. There’s a lot of unknowns in your question as well. Often male factor infertility only means they cannot father a child “naturally”… there are several potential options, but you don’t state the “why”. There are many MANY children running around that are the product of male factor infertility, that are biologically their fathers.
Give him time, and then explore possible options.

I can relate to how your husband feels somewhat. I had 5 miscarriages,my second husband had a 4 1/2 year old daughter by his 1 st wife. 50,50 visits. She was my world,head over heels loved her and I still do. I wanted to have a child with my husband but at first it wasn’t in the cards. I was content,but was never told I couldn’t have my own. Eventually we did have a son together when my step daughter was 7. Another son when she was 10. My second son died at less than a day old. Maybe pointing out the uncertainty of pregnancy and birth may comfort him somehow. Not all pregnancies end with a happy ever after. He should be thankful for the child he is sharing in raising with you. I would give nothing up for my life being a step mom. She is my little girl. She is 34 now and I have 1 grand child from her. My son is 27 and no children as yet.

Wait a minute!! Hold ON!! Sounds to me like he already IS a father!! Blood does not matter. U can have as many children as u both want. My husband had a biological and an adopted child when we met. I ask him which was which. He replied “Ya know, I don’t remember!” Comfort this man and reassure him that God has a bigger better plan for him than biological kids. Trust Him and move on!!!

He going thur a grieving process. Give him time and understanding.

A child doesn’t to be same blood to love that child he can’t adopted ur kids

Don’t give up!!! Not my story to tell but just don’t give up!!! Miracles do happen!!!

Give him some room to absorb this… You have a child… He never will. I’m just sorry that people have to be so insensitive to other PEOPLE !!! You would be upset to if you was in his shoes !!! Grow the F up… It’s not about you !!!

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