My fiance has been drinking a lot: Advice?

I don’t know if I need advice or just someone to confirm what I am thinking. I am 24, fiancé is 31 and out baby is 3 months. We will be getting married in Oct.My fiancé goes out with his friends so much (he plays sport then the guys drink after) I don’t mind but it is at least 4 times a week, more than 6 hours at a time and 90% of the time he drinks so when he does come home he is not capable of helping me with baby. I don’t know what to do anymore - I have had LONG talks with him and made my feelings clear. Every time he just says sorry. Lately his drinking has been causing him to oversleep, so much so that he just didnt go in to work one day and only let them know at 11 that he was “sick”. I can’t go on like this. Both of us grew up with alcoholic fathers and I made it clear to him that that’s not what I want. He is quite amazing as a partner and father and I love him SO much but I feel like he doesn’t want to grow up. I have tried negotiating terms which suit us both so we can both be happy but he never keeps his word when he goes out.Advice would be appreciated x

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. https://answers.mamasuncut.com/t/my-fiance-has-been-drinking-a-lot-advice/20067

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Seek out al-anon for support

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Leave, you can’t repair a car unless your a mechanic…

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He won’t stop unless he wants to. Some become statistics just like their parents, others go in the opposite direction. Put yourself & your baby first, the more you let slide the more he believes you’ll put up with it(no consequences). Love is a must but it definitely isn’t enough.

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If he was amazing as a father/partner,you wouldnt need to make this post.

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Being the son of an alcoholic father puts him right up there with being an alcoholic himself. Unless he gets into treatment right away I would say step back. I know you have a son with him and this could affect him also.

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The important quote is “both of us grew up with alcoholic fathers”, is that something you want your child saying in 20 years when she reaches out for advice? he has a bi-phasic chemical addiction to deal with and you have a child to protect from it

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First of all, I would be rethinking the marriage. If He wants to.act single, I would let him be signal. Also try to find out why he is drinking, a lot do it to self medicate. Best if he wont listen and slow down is say goodbye. You dont want your child raised with an Alcoholic.

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Having grown up with an alcoholic parent you will have to decide if that’s the path you’re are willing to stay and take with him. Or you can document and protect kiddo as much as possible. You might get lucky and he doesn’t push visitation too much since it would interfere with drinking and friends time. Therapy and support groups would be very helpful for you. Also he’s not amazing he’s drunk.

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Unfortunately it sounds like you need to make your boundaries and stick with it. As much as it hurts and you don’t want to, leave if he crosses whatever boundaries you set again.

I’d approach it like look, I don’t want this at all, I am willing to compromise, but I am not willing to like this for these reasons. If he’s open and willing to compromise try it and see how it goes. If he doesn’t compromise or if he does and doesn’t stick to it, you need to be done.

Sometimes it takes having to face the repercussions of your mistakes before we’re willing to change. He currently has everything he wants- he still has his family while living largely like he’s single and not the husband/father of a newborn.

Sorry you’re going thru this :disappointed: I wish you the best.

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he is 31 , if he hasn’t changed by now, he isn’t. Now you have to decide, just what you want for you & your baby

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Maybe you need to see if he is dealing with something that is causing depression and then if that isn’t the case tell him to either quit or cut down the drinking or you and your child will leave. This is what is wrong with relationships these days people just walk away for anything and everything before trying to work things out I get you sat and talked to him but have a deep conversation with him he could be dealing with other stuff. Good luck and wish you guys the best

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He’s clearly not that great of a husband or father… or else you wouldn’t be making this post.

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this is why you dont just have babies with just anyone
he prioritizes others instead of his own child and that should be enough as it is
hes 31 ans KNOWS better but yet as young as you are youre completely allowing this behavior by staying
either leave and set and example or deal with it bc he isnt going to change

i wouldn’t mind my man going out wirh his friends once or twice a wk / but not for 6+ hrs at a time coming home drunk each time.
imagine the money hes spending just on the drinks for himself haha like girl tell him the fuck off or make your bed
like he’s straight up neglecting your child and YOU for friends that he sees almost every single day at sports…
hes missing out on SO much with baby being so little

Leave now cos it just gets harder to when the baby is older

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I’m sure he’s already an alcoholic he needs to go to AA if he really wants to quit and get some help that you cannot do it for him going to church and getting close to God would really help both of you. yeah promises from somebody that’s addicted you can’t count on that’s for sure. Don’t marry him until he gets some help.

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He needs to get sober or he’s going to continue to let you down. It sounds like he might be heading down depression road too so he really needs to get help soon. I’m sure no one has to tell you how to know when alcohol is a problem instead of a pleasure. I agree with you I think he’s there. If he doesn’t want to be like his alcoholic parent he needs help. If he doesn’t want help you need to leave. As much as you love him you know how addiction works. It may be the only way he takes you seriously, but DO NOT let him know you are open to coming back, and also do not say it’s forever. If you have to leave just leave, and be there for him from a distance, and if he gets help you can take it from there. If he knows there’s hope though he won’t do it for the right reason. If he thinks it’s over for good he probably won’t try until much later. If he doesn’t know anything but you ended it because of drinking, there’s a decent chance he’ll go get help. He can’t do it to get you back though it MUST be for himself or it won’t stick.

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You can’t help someone that doesn’t want help. I’m going through this rn too with my SO. Alcohol is the devil when you can’t control the addiction of it. My prayers go out to you and your family, I hope yall can work it out :pray::purple_heart:

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He won’t stop unless and until he wants to. You can’t make him or compromise him into it.
Sadly, you already know what to do. :pensive:

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He is an alcoholic and need help , ask him to seek help if he refuses is time to say bye

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Try going to A-Anon. It sounds like he’s (1) alcoholic and (2) not very adult. You can’t make him stop drinking, and most men with families would rather stay with their families than go out with “the boys” so often. You need to re-think marriage to him , at least until he grows up

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Uh… that is a big fat red flag! And if he doesn’t think it’s a problem … you need to protect yourself and your child from a life of complete MISERY!!!

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The 3 C’s. You didn’t cause it; You can’t control it; You can’t cure it.
You need to sit down with him and discuss your concerns. He needs to stop drinking and if he wants to stop, he needs to do it in a professional setting.
If he doesn’t want to stop, you need to decide if this is the journey you want for you and your child for the rest of your life. Sending prayers for you and your family

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This WILL be yours & your baby’s lives once married too dear. Unless he goes to treatment

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Hthis isn’t about growing up this sounds like an addiction a self medicating. He needs rehab.

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If he really wanted to be a father and good husband he wouldn’t be gone 4 nights out of the week. Oh my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine your exhaustion and the sick tummy feelings. You should start with giving him an ultimatum of quit drinking and getting help or you just leave. Life is short you need to get the most out of it with your baby. Unless he realizes what he is losing he won’t know and will keep continuing with this behavior because there is no consequences for changing it. I wish you and your child a blessed future. And pray that he steps up for your family. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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If this was me , especially if y’all dealt with alcoholic fathers already , I’d tell him I needed space . I’d go stay with family or friends for a week or two , because unless he realizes your serious he won’t stop . If he doesn’t wanna be there 100% , then you can’t force him to be . But unless he knows your serious , he won’t consider stopping .

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If he is not keeping his word now, he will be worse after you are married. You will probably be kicking yourself for ever marrying him. He should have to pay support for the baby and you should get on with your life unless you want your baby to grow up the way you did with an alcoholic father.

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Tell him you want couples counseling—if not willing then you need to seriously leave or you will repeat your family history.

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Take your baby and run!

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Honey, this won’t stop. He probably has a problem with alcohol and just hasn’t faced up to it yet. You will have to be more assertive with your demands that he look at his life and make some changes. Alcoholism runs in families. You know that he must first admit that he has a problem. Then he has to choose to do something about it. Not just make promises, but enter a therapy program. AA, rehab… something. You can’t change him. All you can do is look out for yourself and your baby. I’ve been to Al-Anon. A lot of people find it helpful to talk to other people who are in their same boat. In the end, all you can do is hope the best for him and take care of yourself and your baby.

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I would flat out tell him the wedding date if off. If he can’t get it together, he doesn’t deserve to be your husband.

Postpone the wedding!

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Be prepared to go it alone, this guy is not interested in being a dad or a husband. Get a clue.

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Quick question.

You said hw drinks so much he is incapable of helping with baby when he gets home. Does he drive impared? That would be my Hell No the f you don’t put me our child at risk of loosing you but you risk everyone elses life too.

That’s a turn off my husband is a Profesional Driver Class A CDL holder, he won’t even drink one beer if he has to drive anywhere even in personal vehicals.

4 days a week 6 hrs plus every week with the boys, while he can’t even help witb his child.

I believe in working things out but if he doesn’t change you can withstand the hurt so long before your numb and going through the motions.

If you n your child are not a priority now you probably never will be especially when dealing with addiction.
In the end it’s your family what you choose todo will only hekp.or hinder your future.

P.S. itbtook me 40 yrs to find the man of my dreams. There was relationships I settled for and wasted my good years. Dont waste your good years ( before your body starts to let you know your getting older).
Give your love to someone who gives that same love and energy back to you.

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He’s not that amazing if he disreguards your feelings.

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Ultimatum time. He needs to stop or you need to leave. There is no happy medium here. He is heading in a bad direction, making poor choices and he will slowly bring you down with him.
I would never ever put up with this

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I hope he’s not drinking and driving. My sons friend was killed by a drunk driver 3 yrs ago and she was 5

Run! Don’t look back!

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He’s not going to grow up if he hasn’t already.

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Start making plans yourself and have him watch the baby it’s ok for him to go out but as long as you can too .

You boyfriend needs to hit rock bottom before he will ask for help. Alcoholics can’t just quit. He will end up loosing his job and will start treating you bad. Probably end up in jail with a huge fine and attorney cost. You all will end up loosing your home because of him not being able to work. He will start having life threatening seizures if he doesn’t get his alcohol. You should know from your parents alcoholics Don’t marry him until you know if he is wanting help or continue drinking. A alcoholics has to want to for himself or he won’t be able to do it

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You already know the answer. It’s up to you to make the decision.

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He’s an probably an alcoholic he needs help. That’s a hard life to deal with, counceling, AA, something but it needs to be his choice or it’s not going to work.

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He doesn’t sound like “an amazing partner and father.” He sounds like a selfish asshole who’s running from responsibility. Get out! You can’t force him to take you seriously, but YOU can take you seriously. Mean what you say and follow through.

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Big red flag hes not going to change so except that life or get out

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He has made his priorities clear…

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Sadly, the pattern is there. Forgive me if my words are harsh, but this is a wake up call. This man has very serious issues and it’s pretty obvious he doesn’t want to be a dad or a husband. Before you go to find help for him, seek help for yourself first. This could be the help you need to see what YOU need to do in taking care of yourself and your child. Don’t make decisions to marry before you do this.

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How is he an amazing father and partner when you said he doesn’t help with the baby??? I think you need to get your priorities straight and NOT marry this man he is obviously an alcoholic and you said you don’t want that in your life. Woman so often let love blind them to toxic people and make excuses for behaviors that are quite unacceptable. When you decided to have a kid your life stopped and your main priority is that baby not hanging with friends and getting drunk. Find yourself a real man not a boy.

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I for sure would not get married yet. Is he willing to go to a rehab

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and you may be too young to see the reality of the situation but please do not marry him. At least not until he acknowledges he has a problem and needs help. You can do better as I don’t think he is truly a great partner and father if he (1) doesn’t respect your wishes (2) doesn’t help enough with your baby and (3) is starting to call out of work because he’s hungover. You and your child deserve a man you can depend on, not a guy with a teenage mentality of partying and drinking that many nights a week. Best of luck but please be smart!

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:triangular_flag_on_post::triangular_flag_on_post::triangular_flag_on_post::triangular_flag_on_post::triangular_flag_on_post::triangular_flag_on_post:He is clearly not interested in growing up. How can you say that he is an amazing partner and father when partying and getting drunk are more important than you and your child??

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I left my ex who drank a few times a week. It’s been 11 years now… he passed away almost 3 years ago. The alcohol got to him, it was too late for him to get help when he got it. I guess he already had issues with his organs when he went to rehab and pretty much gave up on life.

If you have to ask honey then you already know :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

You have a big decision to make. You can’t make someone to stop drinking, they have to want to. You can’t change someone either, they will eventually go back to being themselves. You have to except him or move on

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He’s not going to change for you or his child. You can deal with this life or you can make a nice stress free life for you and your daughter some place else.

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My question is why would you want to live like that? He is not going to change no matter how many talks you have what makes you think you are so special that a talk will change him? It will only get worse after marring him

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Well he wont change , hes doing an hes not married yet , IT will become worse , Being out that much is a bit over the top , I WOULD NEVER PUT UP WITH THAT BUT IT WILL BE YOUR CHOICE FOR YOURSELF AN CHILD …:upside_down_face::thinking::rose:

Move on girl,he’s not charnging because you want him to.he love what he’s doing.leave before it gets worse.

Leave him. You will be sorry if you don’t. He hasn’t grown up, and won’t. Until he wants to… don’t waste your young life. I wasted mine, he never changed.

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Obviously you can handle things on your own. Maybe if you leave he’ll finally take you seriously. But huge red flag not to marry into that mess. His friends and fun are clearly more important than his family. It will get worse if you decide to continue with the marriage. Or maybe he’s doing it because he’s intentionally trying to push you away?

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He has not grown up yet why would you want to marry him

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Try Al-non meetings. Decide what you want. Make a clear plan for both outcomes (one you stay and one you go), state your concerns and ask for him to get help whether that’s AA, therapy or etc and then enforce it. You know your when but don’t drown yourself holding your breath. Prayers and love

Run for the hills now girl!

Think twice before getting married

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I would say it is time to leave and to have him put on supervised visits with the baby for baby’s safety since drinking incapacitates him to the point he cannot function. Go file for ex parte motion for custody and move on. Make a request that he go to rehab. To be honest if he doesn’t want to stop he won’t but maybe you leaving will wake him up and make him change.

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Alcoholism is a condition with no logic. Been married 52 years husband sober for 40 years. The alcoholism progressed and got really crazy. His last drunk, he was running his mouth and got beat up pretty bad. He was down and humbled, his mom and I told him to get help or leave. I checked him into a treatment program for 4 weeks. Saved his life♡

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As someone that lived this about ten years ago, if you’ve told him over and over and made it clear on your feelings on it, then you need to be done if he’s not doing anything to change his behavior. If he hasn’t changed his behavior by now, then he’s not going to ever until he wants to change. You can’t make him and over time the two of you will end up resenting each other.

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He has an alcohol problem and he is not choosing to fix it. You will never come in first.

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He’s got to make a choice… he’s escaping his responsibilities by drinking and going out, HIS FAMILY should be # 1 right now… and it’s obviously not… you are going thru so much as a new mom, my heart hurts for you! He needs a wake up call, counseling, and owes you and your precious child an apology!! I sure hope things get better for you!!

Run girl if he don’t stop run it will get worest

Sometimes you have to take yourself out of the equation to protect your own Mental Health

At the point of missing work… Well, he has a problem. If he is otherwise a good man, try to get him to get help.

Marrying him would be a mistake you’ll regret.

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The first step would be telling him youre taking the wedding off of the cards unless he can show you he can grow up. If he still doesnt then i would leave.

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you say he goes out and drinks 4 times a week , can’t help with the kid.
yet tour calling him an amazing father and partner !
please raise your standards stop settling .
his behaviour needs adjusting and u mention you have had lengthy chats and nothing changes . again not something an amazing father and partner displays .
personally i would leave.

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Tell him he knows how you feel about his drinking, you’re not trying to keep him from having fun, you could do with some down time like he has.
If he can’t understand this…ultimatum time… shape up or ship out and he won’t get to see the baby till he gets help!!

Be brave
You have tried talking but it is beyond his control
It must be AA or you should leave
I am a great believer in the addiction being handed down from family members to children

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I think you know what to do! GET, WHILE THEGETTINGG ISGOOD !!!

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ran as fast as you can !

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enough talking. Pack yours & baby’s things & just leave while he’s out. He thinks more of his friends & ???Sport?? than he thinks of you & bubby. Don’t put up with his shit any longer. Just go & move on with your life.

I’m so sorry!! This is terrible. Sounds like he’s following in his dad’s footsteps. Please try to find thr strength to leave him!!! B4 your baby is old enough to know. Raising a baby in an alcoholic family is awful!!! Please seek help from ur family or friends, if not your own sanity, for ur babies​:purple_heart::orange_heart::blue_heart:

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It’s not going to get any better, they can tell you as much as they want, that they will change and they might for so long but it doesn’t take long to slip into old habits. You’ll be better off alone, happier anyway.

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saying you’re sorry is one thing, walking the walk is different from talking the talk

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Drop him like a hot coal!

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tell him action speaks louder then words and you need to see that he is sorry and not hear him say it

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You already know the answer just don’t want to admit it

You need to try to get him to an alcohol meeting so he can get help before it gets out of control.
If he doesn’t want to get help then you will get you answer and maybe time to leave him

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Leave and make sure you have family support :100:!

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Don’t understand how you can say he is an amazing partner and father, going out four out of seven nights a week, you have made your feelings clear but what has changed, I had an alcoholic husband and father to my four children for seventeen years before doing something about it. Please think of what is best for your child and it isn’t a alcoholic father.

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Oh wow. Definitely do not get married. This is not a good start. Time to lay down the law. Leave. You deserve better.

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Tell him you’ll be back when he is clean. It will be downhill from here

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Until he goes to AA he’ll never know the root cause for his drinking. What’s the trigger?

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Was he like this before you got engaged? Or is this new behavior? My husband finally quit drinking after he caused domestic violence in our home. Don’t wait that long like I did. Leave and if he wants you he’ll prove himself. And stop. I also suggest Meetings. They help me. Support him in not drinking. Because after he quit drinking I continued. (After all I wasn’t the one with the “issue”)
Big mistake.
I wish you the best of luck. Hurt people hurt people.

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