I need advice. My fiancé is upset because I don’t want to take his last name when we get married. He said he would feel “emasculated” if I don’t. His father is mad about it too. I have both my mother’s and my father’s last names. I’m the only out of my siblings that got my mom’s last name. Changing my last name or adding a new one doesn’t feel right to me. I also wish he would understand my point of view. Anyone else has this problem?
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I can see both of your sides but if you plan on giving your children his last name then i say you change it. It would be absolutely wrong to not give future kids his name.
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Hyphenate you parents last names and use it as your middle name and then take his last name. Or vice versa if you just REALLY want to keep your own
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If you wanna keep your last name, keep your last name. Times have changed.
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You could make your current last name your middle name
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A veteran of 4 marriages, I can tell you that the paperwork involved in changing your name is massive. Everything from all medical associates, credit cards, drivers license, magazines, retirement accounts, even the local library. I won’t change it again for sure.
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Tell him he gets to name the children with his last name, not you. 
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That’s your choice not his. It is not a personal attack against him. It’s an optional old tradition. He will get over it eventually.
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Ask him to join us in the 21st century. If he wants you both to have the same last name, why doesn’t he change his name to yours? I guarantee that he will think it is a ridiculous suggestion. If he wouldn’t want to change his, why should it be OK for him to expect you to change yours?
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Use your last name as your middle name and that way you can use both last names. If you’re having kids, you’ll probably want to use his for the last name
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Dont ask advice on this. It is YOUR NAME the name only you have to go by.
I have a legally hyphenated last name. I only go by one of them and I’m unsure if when I get married I want to keep the one I go by or take his. Either way it’s my decision and mine alone because it’s me who has to go by it, not him. Im just glad my fiance actually cares about what i want.
Not taking his last name does not in any way mean you love him less and maybe he should work on himself if that makes him feel emasculated.
If a name not matching his is all it takes to “emasculate” him, he’s not much of a man.
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I would say, do what you want to do. I did not change my last name and my significant other respected that. My reasoning was that I went through a lot to get educated and when I sign my name I proudly sign it with my paternal last name. I went through the struggle of school, he did not.
My maiden name is now my middle name. My husband didn’t care but I did for my work profile since I have worked hard in my career and was known with my maiden name
The thought I had when reading this is that the husband is emotionally abusive. A man who bases his masculinity on “labeling his wife or kids” with his last name…doesn’t seem right. Just a thought.
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Had a teacher in intermediate school who carried his wife’s surname!
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So stupid he should be glad you are marrying him it’s not the 1950s you are not his property. Stand strong cause if u cave on this he will control you in the marriage, just saying
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You can use your last name.(maiden) as your middle name.Take his last name . It’s making him feel you don’t love him enough to carry his name. If you love him .Then you should want to carry his name with pride. This is just my opinion.
Then Y get married? That’s pretty much part of the deal as a woman when u get married.
So I’m sure that I’m not helpful but my daughter is not his. She has my name and her sperm donor’s hyphenated. I got lucky and my significant other has the same last night as her sperm donor’s. We plan on having a child. I didn’t want my daughter to be the odd ball out and he offered to hyphenate his name as well! Now we will all have the same last name. Just food for thought…
You may need a new fiance. Your decision.
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My cousins husband took her last name. Times have changed meet in the middle and Hyphenate the 2 last names
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I know a married woman who kept he last name & their kids got her last name, cuz otherwise that last would ‘die out’. Husband agreed because his last name is common
Because thats what real people do when they get married not that womans lib bullshit
I have my moms, my dads and my husband’s last names. Simple.
Your values seem to be fundamentally different, maybe you need to reevaluate your priorities together and see if they match up at all.
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Saying that it would make him feel emasculated is total manipulation! And lets say for arguments sake that this is true (which its not) thats his issue, not yours. You have strong reasons for wanting to keep your name and he has to deal with how it makes him feel. Not you.
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I feel this is a red flag. Taking a man’s name is a tradition rooted in sexism, when women were considered property. If both people agree to it, fine. But it sounds like he doesn’t respect your choice, and that is a problem. Each person has to decide what is right for them. I know a professor who chose to take his wife’s name…he didn’t feel emasculated; he just wanted them to have a common family name and his wife didn’t feel comfortable changing hers. He was comfortable enough in his identity not to feel threatened by his wife’s independence. I wonder what other traditional values your fiancé and his family might have that may be imposed on you.
What I’m hearing is that he will feel less of a man if you don’t give up your name for his. It’s not your job to make him feel like a man, it’s his. Just as it’s your job to do what makes you feel whole and complete, too. If you feel like you’re being bullied over this, please take it seriously, as there will no doubt be other conflicting values between you. How this issue gets resolved could very well set the tone for future disagreements, such as those that may come up in issues relating to child rearing, finances, and household responsibilities.
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Omg 
seriously 
take the name or don’t get married!!!
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Keep your name Girl!
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Married Twice, never change my Fathers last name!
And boy I’m glad I never did, Met this Lady, she used 3 different names through time I knew her. Lots of people are keeping their family name or just Hyphen the name!
It comes down to tradition. My husband’s family is traditional and his grandmother insisted I take his name. In my family, I was the only child and because of this, my father insisted I keep my name as I had no aunts, uncles and cousins on his side of the family. I was lucky in that my husband backed me in whichever I chose and so I went halfway. I kept my last name and added his last name on😄
I’ll probably be the one standing out but I feel if you want to keep your name but want to marry him you should and can keep yours and take his too
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I did that years ago and it was awkward after we hadnchildren because I was the only one with a different last name. It worked out when we got divorced because I didn’t have to change any documents. 
If I get married again, I would take my husband’s last name though.
I’m surprised this wasn’t discussed with him prior to the engagement. He should respect your right and wishes to keep your maiden name. However, marriage is full of compromises and he obviously imagined his future wife sharing his last name. Why not consider to hyphenate it?
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I believe it is entirely up to you, if u don’t want to take his name fine it shouldnt be such an issue especially if it doesn’t sound good with your first name like if u were julia and his last. Name was goolia seriuosly stick to.your guns girl
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Give future kids his name. Keep yours.
Don’t get married than .That’s part of the reason you take on your husband’s name . It’s pledging you’re loyalty and love
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Marriage sometimes means compromise. Perhaps find and come to a compromise together… If you can’t understand and respect each other’s views and find a way to meet in the middle then perhaps it’s a sign of things to come?
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Tbh, id tell him where to shove the marriage proposal if he can’t accept the fact you don’t wish to change your name. If hes being controlling on this then that’s massive red flags as to whats to come in the future
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Marriage or any partnership is give and take. Compromising everyday. He’s traditional nothing wrong with him for being traditional he wants to give you his name, he’s not trying to control you. If your that steadfast on not taking his name maybe you should be in a non-traditional union and not marry at all. That’s always an option for the both of you. Much easier than divorce for later when he finds the right one for him someone traditional.
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How about comprising ? Keep your mother’s name along with his. So it’s a win win for everyone.
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I had a cousin who when he married his wife took her surname because her parents had all girls and when they all became married there would be no one to follow on the family surname… I thought it was a lovely idea
Why are you getting married then?
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In france for instance women keep their maiden name …inciroetated with their husbands …example …mrs venables …maiden name …smith .married name …victoria . This has been the way for many years and with no problem whatsoever … nothing wrong in that …
It’s your choice. This is the just 1 of the many compromises the 2 of you will face in marriage.
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Take his name but keep yours u can do both
I added my maiden name to my middle name. Then took my husband (now ex) last name.
If you don’t want your and his last names together, then just keep yours. It’s your name, not theirs.
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If you dont want to take his name, dont. If hes really that “emasculated” send him to therapy.
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If his masculinity is so fragile he has bigger issues than just his last name lol
Do whatever YOU want with YOUR name
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Maybe take your dad’s last name out, and replace it with your husbands?
Yikes on bikes. Throw the whole man away
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If you don’t want to change it, don’t. If your fiancé’s masculinity depends on you taking his last name, therapy might be useful.
I didn’t want to change my last name but my husband wanted us to have the same last name so he took mine.
Regardless, it’s a long, important conversation y’all need to have. It took my husband and I literally years to decide what to do.
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Marriage is about compromise. If y’all can’t do that now maybe you should reconsider getting married in the first place.
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I wouldn’t marry someone who feels that they have a right to tell me what I can and cannot do based on their toxic feelings. He needs therapy for those feelings. Its your name, its your choice.
Sounds like someone is having fragile masculinity issues. 
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Do whatever you want it’s your life. If he loves you he will support your decision. Period.
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When u get married u take ur husband’s name. I’m old school. Dont get married if u camt respect him
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Or just keep yours?
It’s becoming a norm for woman to not take thee husbands last name.
I’ve talked to many woman who have their own last name and not Change it because the only thing it does is show that you’re married now. It shows nothing else.
It doesn’t mean you don’t love your husband any less.
And honestly, he clearly is getting his behavior from his father.
So, just do what you want and if they can’t accept it, then maybe you should reconsider.
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He doesn’t hold dominion over you or your name.
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Same here
3 years married and i keep running i love him
But i dont want to take his last name feel not right
Are we all reading the same post?! HER NAME IS ALREADY HYPHENATED! She would have 3 last names 
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It’s 100% up to you, but I would say if you guys plan to have children together, it would make sense for you all to have the same last name or you may at least want to discuss whose name they would take now to avoid another argument in the future.
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Nope nope nope…I’d reevaluate the relationship
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OK, if he is mad about this, imagine how mad he could get about other things.???..maybe rethink the marrying him bit. If he really loved you, he would understand, especially if you are marrying him, But again, watch out.
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This really feels like a red flag to me. Not only does he feel he has a right to assert his choice over you but his father does as well. Right now its just something “small” that seems like he has a point, later it could get worse. I’d want to at least discuss this with him to make sure that’s not where its headed. Maybe seek couples therapy to discuss it.
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I wish I would have kept my last name. 7 yrs later and my last still doesn’t fit me.
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Hyphen ur moms with his
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If he loves you he would understand. I kept my maiden name. My hubby was hurt at first he’s over it. Sometimes because of getting the kids office staff even karate will use the kids last name and call me by there last name. I have friends also that didn’t not a big deal.
Ask him to take yours lol
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At I the only person that sees the husbands point of view?
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I think you both should take into account if you have children what you will the children’s surname be.
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So whose last name would your kids have? Seriously, this is all important stuff to consider.
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Keep it. Just add his name on
Sis keep your last name and shit if you have a child together throw your moms last name in there too. It’s 2020 he can’t make you do anything and it’s disrespectful that he won’t hear you out. Maybe keep your moms last name and just hyphenate it with his instead of your dads.
I am in the same boat, except he just thinks it’s wrong that I don’t want it. We do have a child together that has his last name. I did compromise and say I would hyphenate but he doesn’t like that idea either. 
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I kept my last name when I married 18 years ago. My husband said take his name not, just don’t hyphenate it…we both have crazy names! My son has my husband’s name. No one cares, people barely notice. The only one that cares is my MIL, and I just think she was mad because she changed her name when she didn’t want to when she got married in the late 60s. Not my problem. She’s over it now. A name doesn’t make a family.
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Ask him to take yours, see how that goes over and then make your decision. If you want to keep your name then keep it.
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Damn you might be marrying a misogynistic, narcissistic person. Runnnn. And divorce nowadays is so common why bother.
I kept my last name and it was fine — if your fiancé has issues about that , it’s his problem and there’s more going on with him. It’s not about the name, it’s about the life together. He sounds incredibly insecure.
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If you have kids you need to have the conversation of what last name your kid’s will have. A lot of women keep their names now. Hopefully in time he will come around but I’m sure this is hard on a lot of guys.
Yeah I don’t understand why guys care so much about a last name. It’s so silly. You could hyphenate but because you have both your parents name it might already be long enough. He should understand.
I still have my maiden name (legally anyways. My Facebook name is my married name) but that’s mostly out of laziness and not being able to go change it because I’m not mailing in those papers.
if you plan to have children together, you might want to have the same last name as your children. Y’all need to talk about what your potential children’s last names would be. I think y’all need to have some serious convos before moving forward with this relationship. And just as you want him to understand your side of things, you need to also look at his side of things and maybe think about some sort of compromise that you both can live with.
Your name, your choice. You’re the one that has to answer to it. Personally, I took my husband’s last name, not because society wanted me to but because I wanted us both to have the same last name as our children and I personally don’t like hyphenated last names. Whatever you choose to do, choose it for your reasons, not because others tell you that you should. If he can’t respect your decision about your own life, it sounds like you’re better off without him.
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Maybe you could hyphenate it with yours🤷♀️
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Hyphen it Jones-smith
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I. Think. You. Should. Take. His. Name. Its. What. Hod. Would. Want
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I see the husbands point of view most definitely and i was so excited to take my husband’s last name 
maybe add it with all of the last names?
Don’t get married …end of problem .x.
Marry someone better
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It’s ur decision but I really don’t understand why some girls don’t want to change they’re last name it just doesn’t make sense to me but What do I know lol
I took off my dads and moms last name and only have my husbands now
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You aren’t married to his dad. His opinions don’t count.
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It’s not a must for a muslim woman to take her husband’s name. But if theres kidz. the kids hav to take their fathers name
Its more common now to keep your name. He needs to respect your wishes
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I took my husbands name but kept mine too. Legally our kids are the same as mine. No hyphen either just 2 last names. I use his since its simpler and shorter to write. On legal docs like my drivers license tho it says both
Tell him to suck it up. Is his masculinity really that fragile? If so, you guys might have more issues in the future. If he wants to marry you, he should understand and respect your decision.
If you are open to trying to compromise you could keep your mom or dads last name as your last name and hyphenate his, and then whichever name you didn’t “keep” could be added to your middle name? You could legally keep your name and assume his last name? Or just keep yours! I kept mine, but the kids got his. That was our agreement.
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I’d say you need to talk about it more. Maybe there’s some other issue that he’s worried about such as kids last names etc. If it really is completely about him feeling emasculated then that’s his problem and he needs to work on his insecurities.
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If I got married it won’t happen but I would take my husband last name as I hate my fathers name he did nothing for me never meet him and never wanted too thankfully hear lately hes now dead .my dad is great he and mum brought me up …xx…
I feel the exact same way, my mother’s name is Avakian and my fathers is sykes. I wouldn’t change my name for anything.
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