I’m sorry for what you are going thru however I love that everyone is quick to blame ADHD but don’t realize that it really is their living situation. You said you had an abusive relationship?
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You are not a fela you are a good mum hang in there maybe he has acting out because he seen you get abused and he thinks is ok to do things like that talk to your doctor he can put you in the right direction to get help for him all the best
I grew up with an abusive father and we (me and my siblings) never behaved like this…. So I’m not so sure it’s because of what he seen but I could be wrong… I’d definitely talk to his pediatrician asap and I know that you are good momma. Good mommas worry about their children I really wish you the best and I hope you are able to get the help he needs I’d definitely recommend therapy not just for him but all of you
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I used to work at psychiatric hospital for children and we have seen this a lot I would look into reaching out for some advice and they may refer you to inpatient for him
You all been through a lot. He watched his dad be abusive and handle stress in abusive ways, he’s doing what he’s learned. It’s goingvto be a long rd to recover but you all need intensive help. Your 4yo esp.
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Get a room with a lock on the outside so he cant get out at night and you can throw him right in there when he acts out straighten his a$$ right out
I’m not really sure what to say here. It sounds like a combination of what he’s seen with ADHD/ODD (the outbursts). Either way, 90 days is too long and he needs to be seen now. I would take him to the hospital or a children’s facility if there was one near me, like others have said. You are definitely a good mom or you wouldn’t be trying to do something about it. Stay strong, you got this!!
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Therapy for the both of them and as soon as possible.
I grew up in an abusive house at his age. I became a recluse and stayed quiet as to fly under the radar. Never acted out of any type of anger because I knew there were repercussions. I grew up knowing about repercussions and knew if I acted out I’d get grounded, have my stuff confiscated, or I’d get a spanking. I feel you definitely need to seek help but I also feel there is lack of discipline here. As single mothers we don’t have all the answers. We get frustrated and overwhelmed. I’m glad you recognize there’s an issue and are taking steps to get it seen about.
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Therapy for the mean time until he can be tested
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If ADHD restrict ALL red food additives. Like ravioli in a can , any in cereal. And of course kool-aid or juices.
If they share a room take the lil man away and put him with you especially at night.
Long shot take him to speak to a positive in his life local police department !!
Enforce more responsibility at you home with chores and praise.
Go to a local church on Sunday’s.
Explain to him this behavior is NOT tolerated, hence that’s way his father is NOT around.
Be firm and consistent. Try to reward good behavior and not spank or hit on bad behavior.
Get him into something he likes to do .
And use repetition always praise good behavior with love not gifts.
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Hang in there at least you’re trying. Good luck
Schedule a family therapist, that way you are involved too:heart: sending love 
What does your discipline routine look like?
You are a GOOD MOM. Having kids raised in an abusive household is SO hard. My son went to counseling for years. He would hit me, punch, kick, spit, pull my hair, slam doors, threaten me and his own safety, throw things, etc. I didn’t know what else to do. Counseling was such an incredible help. It was a slow process but he is now doing so well. It’s a night and day difference. He’s 4 and may have a hard time identifying and coping with all the emotions he felt during that time. He needs to learn healthy coping mechanisms and identifying/dealing with emotions. 
It’s hard, I know but you will get through this!
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Sounds like the 4 y/I needs professional help to find out why and see what can be done to help him… you have to think about the safety to all involved.
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I’m not trying to be funny or rude. Maybe I’ve watched to many shows but I have a feeling u will be putting a lock on the outside of his door in no time. So he doesn’t k!ll you. U need to get him seen immediately and I’d ask a doctor about putting a lock on the outside of his room and keeping him away from ur 2 year old never ever keep them together alone.
Have a therapist help the whole family out both children
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Definitely get them into therapy. Best decision I ever made after leaving my abuser. Got my son and myself into therapy ASAP
I can’t imagine what you are going through. Just posting here shows you’re a good mom trying to do right by your kids. If you are in NJ look up Perform Care- it is support provided by state funding. They can have counselors come to your house. If you’re in another state maybe call then to ask if there are similar services available in your area.
You all need help, your son needs help speak to his pediatrician ASAP
You’re not a failure as a mom. Your oldest son is mimicking was his dad did to you because he thinks it’s ok. Your youngest is picking up on it because his big brother does it. There has to be someone in the community that can help, maybe you can call a local church for guidance on places you can take you and children for free services, such as family and individual counseling. Hang in there, you have a lot going on and you’re doing a great job! Keep those grades and IM PROUD OF YOU!
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I would definitely say your boy is possibly mimicking observed behaviors. That being said, 2 of my daughters, at that same age, did the same thing your son is doing, and then some. Both were diagnosed with adhd at a very young age(along with other mental health/ learning disabilities). Medications were a big help to take the symptoms “down a notch”, but it’s not the cure all. Counseling(play therapy is GREAT at that age) is an absolute MUST. Hugs mama. You’re doing great! Things WILL get better.
First off you are NOT a failure. you seem to be doing your best. Have you tried a BHP in your area. They are Behavioral Health Partners. Look into it in your area. Sounds like it might help him. He obviously picked up a few of your ex’s bad habits. BHP if you have one would be great not only do they have psychiatry but they offer counseling and other things as well. Please try this before the 90 day appointment. sounds like you need the help now. Also hang in there mama! You can do this for both boys!!!
I’m proud of you for taking steps and removing you and your kids from that relationship. Now it takes time momma but it seems like you are taking the right steps getting him an appointment for help
Unfortunately he saw to much of the abuse that your ex put you through … You need to get him a therapist or psychiatrist
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you are not a failure you removed your children and yourself from a deadly situation thats SOMETHING TO BE VERY PROUD OF. stay strong mama prayers for you💓
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He’s going through alot and he doesn’t know how to express himself. Counseling is a must. Try comforting him when he is upset or angry make sure he knows it’s never ok to hurt other people which I’m sure you’re already doing. Give him extra love on hard days but also discipline negative behavior. Lots of reward for good behavior. He’s doing what he’s seen dad do and it will take time to undo. You’re doing a great job in a hard situation. Maybe let him sleep with you. Maybe the cuddles will make him feel safe and relaxed and help him sleep better
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I was in a similar position earlier this year… he wasn’t hurting anyone but definitely on the path to doing it in the future. His father was verbally abusive and almost never around. He acted that way because he say dad doing it and thought that’s how he was supposed to be. Fortunately his kindergarten has a social worker and she is AMAZING. They do counseling at his school once a week and it’s all based on arts and crafts or games. She showed him other ways to express himself and he almost never does those bad things anymore! I know counseling is super hard to get into an appointment if you aren’t already a patient but try calling social workers… explain the situation and ask for help. If it’s referred by a social worker or the state you will get an appointment alot sooner than just trying to set it up yourself. Also make sure it’s a PEDIATRIC doctor/therapist/ social worker… they know how to get the little ones engaged to help them. Good luck momma… I know it’s hard but if you keep trying it will get better
You should have your 2 year old sleep in your room until you can get this figured out. You can never be too safe when it comes to your children.
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Sounds like they need to see therapists they sound traumatized.
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Therapy for everyone. My 6 yo has adhd, odd and add he’s medicated and going to Therapy. He’s also never threatened me tho or tried to hurt someone on purpose.
You may qualify to get assistance with preschool/daycare. The structure of a class may help your oldest start to chill out a little and give you a little break during the day from trying to do it all alone.
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You need to get that little boy to therapy ASAP, this behavior is learned (probably from abusive ex husband) do NOT spank him, that will only reinforce this behavior. Remove him from the situation every single time, explain to him that we don’t hit other people, we don’t touch other people that don’t want to be touched, that’s their body and you need to respect their body and not put your hands on them (I also have a unruly 4 year old so I feel you, she’s mean to her sisters and constantly throwing fits so I know its hard)
Ask his pediatrician about behavioral counseling, tell them the things he is doing and they should be able to get you a referral asap.
When he lashes out try to calmly ask him how he’s feeling. Go through all of the emotions, anger, frustration, sadness, etc. It helps him to communicate his emotions in a healthy way instead of violently.
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Maybe take him to a child therapist. Put a lock on the outside of his door. Only have his bed in his room. Have your other son sleep in your room. I saw in another mom group a mom had her child’s car seat sitting against a wall in their home and when he was being bad she would make him sit in his car seat buckled and have time out. Her child would run around and wouldn’t go to timeout so that’s the only way she could make him sit in timeout till he calmed down. The fact that your son has sent your youngest the er multiple times is very worrying.
I don’t know where you are located but if there is a children’s hospital you can take him to the ER the next time he tries to hurt his brother. It might get his appointment moved up. It sounds like he might need inpatient therapy.
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Praying for you mom. Please move the 2 year old to sleep with you. Look into the school district- early prek or any early evaluations or programs they can offer you.
I would take him to the ER. I’m not sure how old they have to be to be baker acted. But it will get you help ASAP. I’m sorry your going through this. But you can also apply for foodstamps and stuff and apply for daycare. Plus your a student so it shows your in school to get a degree to get to working in the near future.
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Therapist for everyone. That 4 year old needs to have a good amount of sleep 12-14 hours for kids that age. Adult get grumpy when they only get 5 hours of sleep. He is a child that can’t control his emotions. 2 years old should sleep with you. Praying for you and your children.
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Sadly this normal for a child from an abusive home and another sad thing is they develop some mental health problems too … get him some therapy and he is gonna need lots of attention
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I think you should seek counseling for him. It sounds like he saw his dad’s behavior a lot, and unfortunately has rubbed off on him. I’m praying that you find your answers and your son gets back to his normal self. 
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Lock all knives and chemicals up until he gets under control
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Get that kid on some melatonin maybe it will help him sleep better at night. Or even CBD oils to calm down his moods.
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This does not sound like ADD or ADHD this sounds like he watched and learned from his father he needs therapy and help medicine won’t fix this he needs to workout and talk out with a child psychiatrist and psychologist and child therapist about everything he watched his dad do to you and why he thinks it’s okay to be like dad even though we know it’s not okay for him to be like dad kids watch and learn what you allow to be done to you they will do to other people and let other people do it to him separate the 2 year old from him if you can and get them both help and please get some help for yourself as well because you can’t help them until you help yourself speak to a therapist about what you’ve endured and how you overcame it by leaving speak to a therapist about what your children have endured and how you got them out there are small victories here you left that was the first step a victory some people never get to see be proud of that and own it the next step is to seek help for anything that you can therapy is not one size fits all remember that because you may have to go through a few therapists before you find someone you can click with and trust I know I did for sure I went through 6 before I got to my 7th and I’ve been with this therapist for 3 years because of being a domestic violence survivor as well as a sibling to suicide survivor please don’t give up hope and most importantly don’t give up on him he just has to unlearn the toxic behaviors that he learned and relearn how to be nurturing and loving again it may be something that he didn’t get to see often between you and your ex husband and please don’t blame yourself for it because it is completely dad’s fault NO ONE ASKS TO BE ABUSED NO ONE ASKS TO BE MISTREATED it just happens sometimes but the important thing is to remember that it’s never okay to let it happen again speak to your therapist about red flags and signs to watch out for before getting into a new relationship so that you can leave sooner if something feels wrong rather than later I AM PROUD OF YOU for leaving be proud of yourself and take care of your little family much love hugs and prayers for you!!!
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I would look in to local sources for mental health help. You can start by calling your local health department and ask them to point you in the direction of help with a young child that seen abuse and is showing signs of it.
Maybe your son saw his dad hurt you and he’s repeating his behavior and things he’s heard your ex day to you? Maybe he can go to inpatient treatment and they can help him. Take him to a children’s hospital and they should be able to get him help immediately.
Take him to an ER and tell him you need a psychiatric evaluation done on him. Just because he’s 4 doesn’t mean they can’t do one. And honey, this simply isn’t just ADD. If he is harming animals or anyone or threatening to… That’s some thing a lot deeper and very much not normal and I would be super concerned as you are. Next time he has a tantrum, call 911 and have his little butt dragged to the emergency room. Tell them he is harming animals, you have to play it up as much as you can for them to listen to you. Tell them your child is not normal, there’s something wrong and you are fearful for your well-being as well as your two year olds. I would be very worried if I were you
Adhd my son was the same way medicate him I know it feel awful as a parent but its what helped up
I’m so sorry your son at such a young age is acting like that. I don’t have advice since I left a harmful relationship before my oldest daughter was even 3 months old. She don’t remember. I still talk to her father and he’s gotten better and learned from the past and tries his best not to repeat the past.
I am proud of you for doing what’s best for your kids and yourself. If you need someone to just listen to anything you need off your chest, I’ll listen. I won’t judge cause I know the pain. Get baby boy some help and let him know the behavior he learned from his father is not ok.
He definitely needs therapy. He has grown up thinking that what dad did was ok. Hes at the age that he is testing his boundaries and learning if he does somethibg he will get a reaction. At 4 they don’t have the greatest knowledge of right and wrong. You need to set a strict routine and punishment. Stick with it. If he raises his fists to you and tell him flat out that it isn’t ok and that what dad did was unacceptable. Therapy will be the greatest help for him.
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I have a son with ADHD and ODD and a couple other diagnoses who used to act like this. Please start therapy while waiting for an appointment.
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Get your son into some therapy
You shouldn’t of had or anyone a relationship with either partner that’s abusive they never change
Have him tested for adjustment disorder too. With such a big change as you leaving his dad to getting a new place and everything in between it’s a lot for little ones to handle. Especially if it’s a little with adjustment disorder. My daughter has it and it will take months for her to adjust sometimes and in that time she acts out and Does a lot of stuff she later regrets
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It sounds like your son is reacting to the trauma all of you experienced from that situation. I would suggest seeking out a family counselor, who will be able to help you all cope, and help you help your son.
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Is there a crisis centre you can go to for help while waiting for the assessments?
I have adhd and different disorders they can be treated with medication
Consider cutting food dyes put of diet, is does take a week or so to see long term benefits but usually not that long. Food dyes have been studied and shown that mimick ODD ADHD bipolar ect.
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Your on the right track… your not a bad momma your doing your best don’t give up bad things have to you and your kids. I will add you and the kids to my prayer list. Keep your head up your doing the best you can.
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As a mother with a 10 year old now who was diagnosed with ADD & ODD at age 5, I will say it sounds a lot like those diagnosis’s, and after diagnosis and medication and therapy of all sorts it DOES get better! Hang in there momma!
I would go to the ER and ask for psychiatric help for my son. They may have helpful therapy or medications that all help him.
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I agree with many other comments.
Sounds like a likely combination of some diagnosis, some trauma and likely some adjustment issues …
Two things
Congrats to you for having the courage to vent … that needs to be said …
Parenting is HARD… leaving a bad marriage Is also HARD and you have …or are doing BOTH !!! This isn’t " your fault " we deal.with what we have to. When we can and gonfrom them , sounds like you’re doing just that…
And 2- I’m not sure where you live but, once your child receives a diagnosis, it’s possible that you/ your child, may qualify for a program that will grant you respite care… that will grant you some down time and your child some time to be with a refreshed adult … I provide this care so, feel free to message me with any questions.
And
Good luck momma !!! By just being here, venting and being worried …you’re proving just how amazing you are at this momma gig!!!
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This sounds odd but call children services EVERY state has a program for children mental health (the just don’t tell you) they may be able to put get you in the right direction (some states will do a home check on top of this)
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Have you said any of this to his pediatrician? He would have given you a referral to a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist by now…
Get in somewhere else faster !!!Sounds like an emergency to me !!!Find help now!!!
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Im having some of the same problems with my five year old and its come down to who’s boss. Sounds kinda crazy but I realized after giving in so much she learned “Hey! A temper tantrum gets me what I want!” As hard as it is to listen to the screaming and throwing and hateful words DONT GIVE IN! AT ALL! He will learn mama doesn’t put up with it and will stop trying.
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It’s time to get help for him. He’s witnessed alot of his dad’s behavior and thinks it’s ok. Start the help now so he can enjoy being a kid.
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Your not a failure many prayers for you Mama I know it’s hard doing this by your self without family and friends… hopefully the dr will be able to help you and maybe get him on some meds and maybe some in home therapy… but if I were you I would Lock knives and other things that he can use to hurt his self or his brother with…baby proof your house… maybe try to get him on sleeping meds too…
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My sons were several years older when I left my abusive ex; therapy was so much help for all of us. My boys were taught to handle situations differently because they were handling it based in learned behavior.
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How is his diet? Artificial food dyes, specifically red 40, have been linked to aggression and behavior problems. Food dye is in so many things so unless your purposely cutting it out more than likely he’s getting a good dose of it daily. My daughter struggled with anger issues, when we decided to cut out food dye her issues went away nearly 100%. If she eats something with red 40 specifically she starts feeling angry and explosive within hours and confesses she has no idea why she feels that way, but I know and firmly believe the food dye was the culprit.
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Aww sweet girl I’m so sorry. Ive been here and it was a nightmare. I just want you to know I’ve been through the exact same with my 4 year old at the time except he didnt have siblings or threaten me. He did eventually get violent with teachers. He was diagnosed with ADHD at 6 or 7 because thats the only time they would test him and get meds. I was also at my wits end. Please try and seek therapy he may of been exposed to the abusers behavior and this affecting how he acts. But he honestly sounds just like my son then, including hurting animals. It was very scary for me and I also did it alone. You can reach out to me if you need a friend whos been through this. Once we got my son’s meds straighten out hes been a completely different kid. Just love on him as much as possible. Remind him he can come talk to you when hes feeling upset. Just try and be calm and loving with him but set boundaries and be consistent with discipline. Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Its so hard but this will get better if you work with him and try and seek professional help. You’re doing a great job!! Please reach out if you need a listening ear!
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“Birth to 3 is what matters most to me”…him seeing it made him the way he is…he needs taught nice ways by more than u. Get him behavior doctor but don’t jump straight to meds…it’s going to be a long process of undoing
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Go take him to the ER…they will help you…get help…this sounds like an immediate need to me…let the professionals decide what all is going on…before he hurts himself or others…
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He was abused to. He needs help and therapy.
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Honestly take him to a counselor or therapist especially if you were in an abusive relationship and he witnessed it. And start correcting his bad behaviors, you have to let him know your the boss and he isn’t and he isn’t going to act like that
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Look in your area see if there is a community resource for kids that gear towards emergency psych. They can get him in faster.
From a mama of 6… 8 kids under 8 yrs… I use to sleep in their rooms infront of the door to make sure safety was happening… I think at 4 many kids do this… they are learning boundries… the bleach (maybe he was helping clean) and makeup (well I’ve learned) maybe mama needs some one on one attention
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He seen you in that situation he is going to think it’s ok. Your doing what you can so keep pulling along maybe get him some therapy help as well. My prayers being sent to you
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Sounds like learned behavior from your abusive ex. He’ll have to unlearn and relearn. Reach out for therapy, there’s alot of programs that can and will help. Stay strong mama
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Please protect your 2 year old and animals from him and please get him help
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Is he being disciplined for bad behavior. Kids only do bad behavior because they get away with it without consequences.
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Ummmm beat that assssssss!!!
Oh my gosh…your one tough woman…don’t forget that.
My daughter was always fairly violent towards her brother and naughty , she ended up being diagnosed with adhd and autism age 11.
I always thought kids where all like her as she was my first…she never slept… always on the go, when her brother came along I kept waiting for the same behaviour but it never happened …I always say he was my reward for dealing with my daughter and her dad…who i think is the same but not diagnosed.
Good news is your doing right thing getting your son assesed , you’ve taken him out of the way of the bad example his father was setting (I left my 2 eldests dad too, one of the reasons was the kids where copying his erratic behaviour.)
Anyway I’m rambling but it sounds to me like you’ve got this…your just in a spot where you need a bit of support.
Things are going to get easier and if you sometimes feel like you don’t know what direction to go in…just concentrate on the next step. Much love to you…I know its not easy x
He is suffering trauma from witnessing domestic violence. He needs a counselor!
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for you and stay strong but your boy needs Hellman’s sooner the better most likely lashing out
as saw his father abuse you son thinks it’s ok
Try to show him “nice” by rubbing his arm or something and saying this is nice “we treat people Nice” show good touching ,not bad " I also instead of spanking Hold them down <, like show them you are stronger without hitting, just that you can stop them << sit on the couch behind them wrap them with your legs and arms and tell’ em I love you we do not hurt the ones we love like this , and try to get him help << it is NOT you , Kids are BORN with certain things in their genes you can ONLY do SO MUCH as a parent !!! We pray for you <3
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If you yell please stop. Talk with a soft voice. Always be polite. Saying things like, I love you, you are a smart boy, you are handsome, you are strong and anything positive. Check out what he eats. Low amounts of sugar. No red dye in popsicles, drinks, etc… Try doing exercise with him/them in the morning. Eat breakfast together. Set up a schedule and try to keep it. Give stars when he does something positive and helpful. Hold him close (hugs). I love you son. Do the same with younger one. Love them all the time with smiles and encouraging words. Waiting for the Dr to check him out gives you time and read, study, etc. Kid’s like him. I pray he doesn’t need meds but proper diet and exercise will help. I do pray for healing and good health for you all.
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Definitely see a therapist. It sounds like he is suffering from PTSD from how your ex treated you.
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What has he witnessed, he knows what hes seen. That can turn around. Breathe momma you’ll be ok.
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Bless your heart. Keep the love and positive affection coming. Ask the specialist’s office if you can be put on a list incase someone cancels, you could get in faster. Sounds like your baby needs help quick. My heart hurts for you but I have faith!
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Not to be rude, but hurting animals is really common in the serial killer triad. He needs therapy ASAP.
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Firstly, congrats for being brave and leaving that a**! Secondly, go you for doing college on line. That’s awesome. Your doing all the right things with making an appointment for diagnosis. I would get really firm with him! Find your inner bear n don’t hit but raise your voice and be stern. When he said want me to beat you, look him straight in the eyes and ask him same question. Even w children you have to fight fire w fire. ((Hugs))
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I stopped reading after the first few lines. He is is mimicking the behavior he has witnessed. It’s amazing that you were able to escape a DV situation, as a lot of women don’t/can’t.
He needs discipline and therapy. He needs to know that what he witnessed isn’t how people act/treat others.
First, when he behaves this way, get down on his level, speak to him like you’re speaking to any other human being, hold his hands in your hands and explain what he did and why it’s wrong. If that doesn’t work, time outs. Take away why he enjoys… toys, games, TV etc. He will need to learn that his actions have consequences. In the mean time, look for a child therapist. Take both boys. Good luck.
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I would suggest checking into a psych hospital.see if they have a children’s unit he needs the help now
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He probably has PTSD
I would take him in the children’s hospital where ever you are explain the situation every damn day if you need too till they help you figure out a plan
This is more then ADD or ADHD this is learned behavior he’s witnessed with his father and you need to get him help because if you don’t then CPS can and will get involved… you need to make sure your youngest is safe in the home and if he’s sent your other child to the hospital and he hurts animals there’s a deeper problem. My son is 5 we were in an abusive relationship and he has the exact same explosive behavior he was sending my 1 year old to the ER and I was doing everything I could to help him… eventually the hospital called CPS and they removed both of my children because of my 5 year old being abusive towards my 1 year old. Because you need to be able to provide a loving safe environment at all times… I was able to get my children back into my care but we have 3 visits weekly and my 5 year old has to attended therapy 2 times a week… he dose not have ADD he dose not have ADHD he has to unlearn all the abusive behavior he witnessed with my ex… your kids need the same help.
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Children are a product of their environment. He’s probably witnessed what happened to you and thinks it’s normal behaviour. It’s up to you to teach him otherwise. You poor thing doing it alone. Maybe reach out to your doctor and see if he’s able to start some therapy.
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