Recently divorced after 24 years of a pretty great marriage (except the last 2 years). Husband had 2 year affair. Our daughters are 21 (married) & 18 (senior in high school). The oldest won’t speak to him at all. The 18 yr old was always his sidekick/shadow. She now doesn’t want to spend any time with her dad. I don’t/can’t force her to. Any advice on repairing their relationship? I hate to think of my girls not ever having a good relationship with their dad. Thanks!
it’s not your relationship, it’s theirs. Let them repair it or not. Back away
Yeah they’re adults. You dont have any say in this. You have to let it be.
Unfortunately it’s not your place and if you try anything you will push them away from you also. 🤷 they will either forgive him or continue to do what they are doing now.
You dont need to, they’re adults and they can decide for themselves. If he wants a relationship with them then he will keep trying and never give up
They might need time to heal.
Let them change this when THEY ARE READY!
Let them figure it out on their own. They’re not children and they are hurt. They need to work thru all that.
He is the parent, up to him to repair the relationship!
Just leave it theyll no when they are ready if they want to change this
Time really… I was pretty angry with my dad for a long time after his infidelity.
I’ve been there, he has to be the one to repair it, there’s nothing you can do.
They are adults, they have their own anger towards him for his actions and will need to deal with it in their own. I would say that if you can refrain from speaking poorly of your ex that might help some. Based on what you’ve posted, though, I’m betting you already do a great job of refraining from negative comments about him to you girls. The rest is up to the three of them to figure out. Good luck.
It’s not yours to repair. They’re both adults, he hurt them just as much as he hurt you. They may come around at their own pace, but don’t force it.
Honestly I agree with the others. This is their issue with their father. They have to get through it and make their own choices. He made the decisions that hurt the family. They need time. Just be there for them but don’t push it. He did a pretty major thing and honestly they may not ever be the same.
All you can possibly do on your end would be to reassure them that bygones are bygones and you would want them to have a relationship with him and they have your “blessing” so to speak. That’s the only thing I can suggest as that may be why they are hesitant to continue a relationship with him for fear of “betraying” you. Good luck!
They are old enough now to figure it out on their own. Just don’t bad mouth him
Mind your own business!!! He made his own bed now he can lay in it!!
I would say, it’s his relationship with them and it’s his to repair not yours. If you’re worried pray about it. I turn all my worries to prayer. Every time I worry about whatever. It’s really all you can do when it’s not yours. Anything else is control and manipulation.
I’ve been in their spot. When I found out my dad cheated on my mom, I didn’t want anything to do with my dad. We didn’t speak for several years. We now after 10 years are at least on speaking terms and will visit for holidays/birthdays. Just give them time. They will figure it out on their own. Don’t force anything. Hopefully their dad will try to repair their relationship. Just pray for them.
They’re pissed… and have every right to be. He didn’t just cheat on u, he cheated on them too.He broke up ur family. Their anger is going to take time to go away. Don’t push it.
I was real mad at my mom for years after things went bad between her and my dad but there was more than just cheating but I had to go to therapy about it and now we have an okay relationship.
They need time to heal
Unfortunately, they are old enough to make their own decisions. You can’t force them. They may come around, they may not. That’s for him to try to work out
Although it’s not up to you to repair their relationship, I kind of understand… have a heart to heart with them, after all, we’re all human and all make mega mistakes…your girls sound like they’re old enough to understand that, especially seeing as you’re the one asking ( of all the people hurt in this ) …
They are old enough to choose who they want in there lifes stay out of it’s his loss not yours. You guys are not longer together stop trying to fix what is already broken
I feel like it’s between them and their dad at this point. They feel how they feel. He needs to realize that his actions didn’t just affect and hurt you but his daughters as well. It’s up to him to try to make amends with them, he needs to understand how they are feeling. I don’t think it’s on you to fix anything and your daughters are adults and they feel how they feel. It’s up to him to repair it. You can encourage them to talk to him but at the end of the day you can’t force them to.
They are old enough to decide for themselves
Give it time, he really fucked up and changed the dynamic. He should be trying to earn a place with them after compromising the integrity of each of these relationships.
Two best ways, you sit with them both and let them know that you want them to have that relationship with their father and you hold no grudges tord father. Then have father sit with th ed m and explain his reasoning and what whys of all of it.
That’s his problem, not yours
Theyre adults not it’s their choice I say that because I was married 36 yrs husband was sleeping with my so called best friend. I had two kids(Adults)with their own lives they tried to have something to do with their dad but he now puts her family before his owns kids and his 3 sisters they have tried and then when he thinks he should be included he gets upset because they didn’t call him.when my kids were growing the kids and I would beg him to go on vacation to Branson .the mo. state fair anything as a family he refused but the minute he moved in with her they went to Branson and state fair then he posted it on FB .it tore up my kids .
I’d just leave it alone. The oldest is an adult. It isn’t your place to get involved.
Its up to them and their dad. There is nothing you can do
Your a great person to even ask a question like this but honestly all you can do is give them time they are hurt by his actions to and need to heal on their own time
First of all, kudos to you for being a good Mom and woman and worrying about your childrens’ relationship with their Dad. There’s so many bitter, selfish women out there. Secondly, it will take some time. I was 15 when my Dad cheated and I was angry with him for a while, wouldn’t even tell him that I loved him. I eventually realized I couldn’t stay mad forever. You only have one Mom and Dad. They will come around.
You’re a good woman, but your girls are women too. And they have no time for his bullshit.
This is his responsibility. I’m sure they are disappointed that he turned out to be so immoral and they feel deceived and lied to as well. That just shows you that you did a good job raising them momma.
Dont push or you will.push them away from you. It sucks
In their own time they will come around…if they choose to.
They will come around they are probably just processing all of this.
That’s up to their dad to repair the relationship. While the affair was on your marriage, he cheated on their trust.
Not your job. It belongs to the dad to make good with his kids
Yeah just leave it alone. That’s their dads problem now.
They have to be ready to forgive him in their time. I would think the only thing you can do is let them know that it isn’t a betrayal to you if they still love and have a relationship with their dad. They may feel like they are sticking up for you by not talking to him. Don’t push them but let them know it wouldn’t hurt you.
My ex husband went through this with his own dad. He came round in his own time & it took a couple of years. Try are grown with their own minds, they have to get over it in their own time. Xx
It’s not your job babes.
This is not your problem to fix.
It sucks to hear, but there is nothing you can do. He is the one who has to repair their relationship, and they have to be willing to have it repaired, they are all adults.
Mostly give them time. He hurt them deeply too. Not your job to fix it. In fact you could make it worse. It is up to dad. Pray for God to put the help and people that they need for healing into their live.
They are old enough to decide who they want in their life and who they don’t want in their life. Respect their decision. Eventually they may talk to their father again but, don’t force them.
It’s not your place to repair their relationship with their fathers it his and their job
They are hurt. Try talking to them about it. Dont force it though. They both are wondering how they’ll ever be able to trust a man since they obviously figured out they couldn’t rely on the one man whose supposed to protect them from everything. I can’t imagine what their going through but I had a lot of friends whose parents divorced and some who wish their parents had gotten a divorce. I think its great that you want them to still have a decent relationship with their dad. But give them time. Just keep reminding them that your their for them and that their dad still loves them. And I know it may be hard but try to talk to them without judgment about their dad. (It sounds like you already are.)
Honestly, they have to work this out on their own. Just be there for them.
They need to work it out with him if they choose to. If they don’t, then that’s the price he’ll have to pay.
Not your concern or responsibility. That’s his. Your kids are grown so they can decide who they want to have relationships with. Granted in time they may come around but thats not for you to decide.
That’s not for you to do, that’s for her father to fix, if he wants to.
They are processing everything and they need time to adjust. Someone who very much hurt their mother just happens to be their father. They have to work through that. When there is infidelity especially for 2 years, they are piecing together their last 2 years of their lives. Give them time and dont bring up their father. Let them deal with it in their own way.
I think that’s their choice. Don’t bad mouth dad at home but give them freedom to choose
They are adults and that will be on then when they want to repair and rekindle that relationship. You got a divorce and its not your responsibility to make them like him again. They’re adults and will do and feel how they want as they please.
Just leave it. He showed them deceit and unfathfulness.
It is on him to repair the trust he broke with them, it’s not your responsibility. They are adults and can work out their own problems. He made the mess by having an affair, he can be the one to fix it with them.
They are old enough to make their own decisions. While he had an affair that affected your marriage he also cheated on his kids by his choices. They have the right to feel betrayed and it will take them on their own time to get past it.
Just my opinion. He definitely didn’t show a good example for them to have trust in what a real MAN is all about. With that being said I think as a man an father it is his responsibility to set the record straight for them.of his wrong doing. An that all men aren’t cheeters. An if he does that then maybe
They can get past it.but it’s his job not your’s not there’s. Hope all can be worked out for all of your family.
Don’t force it as they’re both over 18. In the meantime, I would keep a “What’s done is done,” attitude and keep a positive attitude about him when the kids are around. Show them that your marriage failed due to poor decisions on his part, but that doesn’t mean you 2 can’t be friends outside of the marriage (because unless he’s helping with schooling/housing for the 18 year old, unless you’re in a state where you’re an adult at 19). Eventually, when their frustration/anger at him calms down from messing up the marriage, they’ll have a positive reason to be nice to him (b/c even if they forgive him for how his decision affected them, they wont forgive him for hurting you if they see you hurt and mad.). Obviously talk about how it affected you, but they’ll learn from you how to grieve and heal from the situation.
I’m not sure that made sense??
They lost ALL there RESPECT for the father and RIGHTFULLY SO!! They are Adults let them do and feel how they want it’s there right! Who are we as a parent to not Validate our children’s feelings! They matter there feelings matter they are adults!!! Let them figure this out on there own!
They may blame him for the separation (him having an affair caused it so they think it’s his fault) with them both being grown I don’t think there’s much you can do. Encourage him to reach out to them and maybe explain that their father shouldn’t be blamed for the separation?
When a parent cheats on the other, the kids feel cheated on also, after 40 yrs my husband cheated, took a year we worked it out and are together, but out adult children still wouldn’t pee on him if he was on fire, he did what was done, his problem to make it better with his kids, not mine
He made his bed and if he’s not concerned why are you? Seems like you’re making more of an effort than him.Your kids seem like they’re smart and old enough to make that decision and if she says “fuck my dad I don’t want shit to do with him” let it be and leave her alone to cope with the loss of her father.
They’re adults. This is their decision. They are currently processing everything and the betrayal to their mother. This will take time. But in a sense them not wanting to see him is pretty normal. They hopefully will never be with someone who has an affair. Their standards are high as they should be.
They are well old enough to handle their relationship with their father. Their father hurt them and it’s up to him to fix it not you
They’re adults. Of course they are going to be disgusted with him.leave well alone either they’ll come around or they won’t.
That’s up to their dad to fix. You probably have enough to worry about.
Personally I don’t think it’s any of the kids business why they are divorced. It ended. It’s over. Time to move on. Knowing only turns kids against parents. Should have kept it to themselves. Even though he was wrong for what he did. Maybe there was denial the marriage was over long before. For whatever reason it happened. It’s not the kids fault & they shouldn’t be involved.
it’s honestly between them and their dad at this point, and really his responsibility to repair it… just be an open soundboard if/when they need to vent but otherwise dont push them
He has to do it. He broke the family. They may never forgive him. It’s an issue they will have to come to terms with.
Dad needs to repair his relationship with his daughters. If I were him, I’d start to work on it asap. I have brother & ex sil that had a similar problem. The divorce was 15 years ago & his kids not only don’t talk him, but they moved to the other side of the country!
Butt out. Nothing worse than someone trying to make relationships work with anyone who’s not themselves
Hes the one who cheated and broke up your home. He needs to fix the relationships. Not you.
He needs to repair that relationship. You stay positive. Even as you speak in this post, you reflect on the marriage being mostly positive. The girls saw this throughout the marriage. They are mad at their dad right now. He earned it. Let them work it out in their hearts/minds first, then with their dad & you, if they ask.
He’s your EX! They’re ADULTS you can’t force them to have a relationship with father if they don’t want it. You can only continue to encourage it, but I don’t see why you would since you’re not even with him anymore
Give them time, it’s very difficult for adult children that know the difference between right and wrong to justify bad behavior.
He lost there respect. He will need to work to repair there respect and trust back. Just encourage it and hopefully someday it gets resolved
Just give them time to heal!
Good help Rebecca Donato Snyder
They are adults and that is their choice.
Whoever told them about the affair was wrong to do so, children should never be involved in their parents issues. However if they chose not to have a relationship with him, it’s their choice. It said when the kids are involved. My nephews wife cheated on him and we hope the kids never find out, we’d rather they have a good relationship with their mom, it’s what’s best for them.
Let them have time and repair the relationship themselves it’s not your or there fault.
I wouldn’t force them. That’s wrong. He chose his actions and now he has to reap the consequences. If he cares about a relationship with them he’ll put in the work to change their views of him. He disrespected you and anyone who disrespects their mother shouldn’t exactly be person of the year… They’re old enough to form their own decisions and you should respect that. Let them learn what forgiveness is if they choose to. Or hold grudges who cares. It’s part of growing up.
I kinda don’t blame them. If my Dad ever did that to my mum I wouldn’t want anything to do with him. He needs to earn their respect and trust back. Not only did he disrespect you but he also disrepected his daughter’s.
Thats great that you worry about this makes her feel safe
Personally all u can do is keep the lines of communication open between u and ur kids.
Let them talk when they want too.
Reiterate that even though ur divorced u still encourage them to build the relationship they have so that it can stay just as solid.
That the divorce wasnt made for them to pick sides.
And hopefully in time and building their relationship with dad the trust will come back again.
They’re adults. Mind your business
Honestly he needs to be the one to heal the relationships not you!!!
Why would even try?? They are adults and obviously see what he did to you and your family! Stay out of it. I think they are very smart and wise in their decision
They’re hurt … he didn’t just cheat on u but your family. It’ll definitely take time
It’s not up to you. Your daughters are old enough to form their own opinions. Just don’t encourage disrespect.
Seems to me that they are old enough to make their own decisions.
It will be up to him to ask for forgivness and give them an explanation that they will accept. He will need to work it out. You cannot do it for him
They’re adults and will figure it out for themselves
Allow them the freedom & space to make the right decision for themselves!