My Husband and I Grew Up Very Differently, How Do We Make It Work?

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"Have any of you ladies married a man who lived a completely different lifestyle than you? If so, how do you deal with it? My husband came from a very dependent family, no rules, no cleaning, no responsibility, nothing. The mom did everything, gladly. However, they are not family-oriented now. All loners. I came from a very independent family. Very strict rules, house and rooms had to be kept clean, everyone had jobs by 15 and relied on no one. My family is really family-oriented. Our marriage happened so quickly but I feel like he isn’t who I thought I was going to marry. Nothing is the same, actually. I am miserable. I feel like I downgraded my lifestyle."

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The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.

"Communication is key! Talk about what you like and don’t like in a family setting or in a marriage if it hasn’t been talked about yet, give him room to talk about what he thinks you might have to ask him but have a serious conversation. Be open and talk not when he’s focused on something and maybe even tell him ahead of time that you need to sit down and talk at some point. Express your worries and hopes."

"We grew up very differently but we’re very understanding of that and talk about literally everything so if something is bothering the other person we make sure to address it. We very very rarely fight besides little stupid arguments here and there and I think that’s because we address whatever right away. So I would suggest if something is bothering you to talk about it otherwise I think when you don't and you keep it to yourself that’s when it becomes a bigger issue."

"If you decide to try and make things work try and meet in the middle you both come from the extremes. So if you want him to change you have to change too"

"Communicate and compromise, the two most important things when married. You are two completely different people and it’s so important that communication is open and maintained. It’s also important to be able to step outside of yourself and get a clearer picture from your partner’s perspective. You both have to be willing to change."

"You’ve got to lay out your expectations. Communicate what you want out of the relationship. There will be some compromise. But if you can’t do that, it’s not going to work. You’re not unreasonable to think that he should help, you’re his wife not his mother. My boyfriend very willingly helps out, even though I’m not working right now and feel like I should be doing it."

"Cut your losses and move on. Your verbiage and sense of superiority towards your own upbringing combined with your blasé degradation of his shows me that you aren’t interested in the compromise and communication that’s needed to reconcile these differences."

"If you’re gonna make it work, you just have to work to find a happy medium that works for both of you. Compromise."

"I wouldn’t want to be judged on my past. Is he lazy and irresponsible now??"

"Have you had counseling? Both of you together?"

"Everyone on here is saying that communication is key. I agree, but I also see that this relationship seems doomed already. “I feel like I downgraded” is a whopper of a statement AND I see nothing positive in what you see in your partner. You have listed all your family's traits as positives and all his family's traits as negative. I don’t see any room in here where it looks like you might be willing to compromise. Better to just end it now for both of you."

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