My husband and I have both been unfaithful but he still is

My husband and I have been together for over 18 years total and almost 9 years married. Neither him or I are perfect in the “faithful” category by any means. We each have have our own faults and mistakes, which we each owned up to and worked through. Quite a few years ago we separated but never divorced, and we kinda were seeing other people. Then after a while. We decided to work things out and try to save our marriage. In that sense I had cut ALL ties with the person I had been seeing. And I thought he had did the same. And I had found numerous times he was still messaging her behind my back. And I called him out on it…like why am I expected to keep all those doors closed but you’re not? Anyway, after that things were going well. And the last I heard him say anything about her was that he hadn’t talked to her in so long. So I let it alone. Fast forward to thanksgiving 2021 I had seen on my snap chat quick add this person that made me think it was him bc of how the name was. (This was after he told me he got rid of his and didn’t use it, which I’m not stupid, bc numbers don’t lie) I brushed it off thinking it was just a weird coincidence. Well I have never known a password of his to his phone ever since you could have a password for a phone. He is super shady and will only look at certain things when I can see his phone. I on the other hand do not have a password bc that’s my way of showing him reassurance. But, one day I had an issue with my phone and I asked to use his so he could see the problem with mine. Well it clicked in my head check his phone, and I did, and I found that new snap chat account that he had that woman he was seeing on there. And like one other person. I have been holding this in since right after thanksgiving. So for 4 months I have known they have been snap chatting. And I feel like they have been talking longer than that. They reconnected somewhere and somehow. After everything we have been through, and knowing this is our last shot at saving our marriage. I know for a fact if he found on my phone that I even opened a door to a past guy that caused issues, there would be no talking, no explaining, nothing. We would be done in a heartbeat. Like, I’m not one to say who he can and can’t be friends with, but seriously??? You obviously are hiding it for a reason and you only have 2 people on there and not even your own wife? Not to mention, like he will let his phone lay around, but what does that show me when I don’t know the password and you have all of your notifications off? Am I in the wrong for thinking this isn’t okay? Should I just let it go? It’s been eating at me, and I feel myself get so angry every time I see him on his phone bc my mind automatically goes to that. I wanna say something all the time but I don’t want it to be a fight. And I feel if I do bring it up, it brings up the entire past and then puts a dent in the progress we have been making…my gut just tells me that something isn’t right about it, but then other than him being shady about his phone, things are great between us otherwise…I could just use some advice on which way to approach or not to approach it…thank you :confused::confused::confused:

84 Likes

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband and I have both been unfaithful but he still is

He never cut ties with her…you better cut ties with him

17 Likes

Go with your gut hun

3 Likes

Confront him. Your feelings matter. Hes sneaking around and who knows what else hes doing. What convos they are having and what photos and videos are being shared. Because it all disappears unless saved. Red flag number one is his phone lock if he cant validate your feelings and close this door with her. Then he does not respect you. Value you nor the same with the marriage. And at that point you cannot keep fighting for someone who isnt fighting back for something that clearly is not there any more. Your best luck is to move on and let it be the past

3 Likes

If there is unfaithfulness, especially repeated unfaithfulness, what’s the point in being married? Waste of time.

16 Likes

Just ask him outright

2 Likes

Don’t worry about if you bring it up it will put a dent in your marriage. He obviously is already damaging your marriage with the secrecy. Just because everything seems to be going well does not mean they are being 100% faithful. I say talk to him but be ready to end if you must.

11 Likes

There is no progress in your relationship. He’s still doing the same bs as before so bringing it up won’t cause a speed bump on your end.

10 Likes

Request him on his new Snapchat! Then let him it and go abt your business… he will never stop seeing her

5 Likes

You say it will put a “dent” in your guys’ progress, but you’ve obviously made zero progress if he’s still doing this. The progress is one sided, it’s only been YOU making progress and a change to better your marriage.

Throw the whole man away at this point since he has clearly shown time and time again he can’t be faithful/doesn’t want to be. Time to move on :pleading_face:

16 Likes

It needs to be discussed, and you both need to come to a decision about how your relationship is going to work… are you going to have an open marriage, a monogamous marriage, or divorce? :woman_shrugging:t4:

1 Like

So let me get this straight, you’re both cheaters and you’re surprised he’s at it again. This relationship was already over long ago

9 Likes

Set it free if it comes back it’s yours fight for your marriage

1 Like

Oh babygirl you are worth so much more, n deserve so much more, run honey run, it’s over, sounds like it’s been 4 a while, best of luck

3 Likes

Why would you even bother after you both cheated both as bad as each other

3 Likes

Leave 18 years later why would you stay unhappy. Yeah sure 18 years is a long time but you sound so unhappy and walking through paranoia

4 Likes

I don’t think he’s going to stop cheating. He’s just going to sneak. You may want to fix the marriage now, but it sounds like it was over a long time ago. The trust has broken down. Once trust is gone, there can be no relationship. Move on. Best of luck to you.

3 Likes

Leave go with your gut.

2 Likes

Girl it’s done. It’s been done. Some things just can’t be fixed.

3 Likes

Ask what his pin is cause you need to check something and see if he hands it over

3 Likes

what progress have you been making?

2 Likes

You cheated. He cheated. You’re both terrible. Divorce

10 Likes

All I had to read was the first sentence… that’s extremely toxic. Only you can decide when enough is a enough, but that’s not a relationship I’d ever wanna be in. If it’s continuing, it’s never gonna stop. Unfortunately that relationship has been done, it sounds like.

5 Likes

You’re not making progress if he’s still stuck in the past. Bring it up or move on.

2 Likes

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life worrying is he or isnt he when you know he is ,move on why you are young enough or you will leave it too late and live like brother & sister in the end and regret it :woman_shrugging:

2 Likes

Why keep going on with this marriage? Seriously… neither one of you have respect for each other or what marriage really is. He has no moral compass to what guides you to be faithful. Obviously there’s no trust or communication so what else do you have? Go to marriage counseling or move on. You’re either all in or out. A lukewarm marriage doesn’t work.

3 Likes
  1. TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS!
  2. A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots! ( In other words, he will never change, once a cheater always a cheater.)
  3. When trust has been broken, you never get it back! There will ALWAYS be this little nagging voice in the back of your mind reminding you of the hurt and you will always be wondering if you should just end the relationship.
  4. You deserve to be happy, loved and not have to be looking over your shoulder all the time. BELIEVE in your own self worth.
  5. If you stay in this kind of marriage deep down you will always feel alone because of the mistrust. If you leave this marriage you will be alone. Either way you will be alone. BUT, if you leave at least you will be FREE! Free from constantly wondering all the what if’s and the why does he do this.
    If you can support yourself- leave - be free and be happy. You will find true love and most importantly TRUST!
    God Bless.
5 Likes

Either sit down and talk about being in an open relationship so there isn’t so much strain and hurt on one side or just leave and move on

2 Likes

Id definitely go separate ways. You’ve tried and both have faults. Sounds like it’s not going to work. Trust is a key issue and if you can’t trust each other there is no saving it. Move on and find happiness elsewhere

2 Likes

You’re both disgusting and a disgrace.

3 Likes

You don’t want to put a dent in your progress… but there’s nothing to save.

7 Likes

He never stopped seeing her or talking to her. You’re being cheated on. You’ve known for 4 months but call that progress working on the marriage?

9 Likes

Sounds like you are really working to save this relationship, unfortunately it seems he has some past luggage he’s not shaking off. Can you live with it eating you? Can you live with the thought that he might just leave you for her? Is she married or with another; and is committed to her relationship? Maybe they are just playing on the side? What ever you decide you can live with is up to you. Some people are ok with this game, your call.

2 Likes

Sounds like you are really working to save this relationship, unfortunately it seems he has some past luggage he’s not shaking off. Can you live with it eating you? Can you live with the thought that he might just leave you for her? Is she married or with another; and is committed to her relationship? Maybe they are just playing on the side? What ever you decide you can live with is up to you. Some people are ok with this game, your call.

Your answering your own question you don’t trust him at all it’s done trust is like our currency in life when you give that trust to someone you expect them to respect and take care of it, if someone gives you their currency you must do the same with it

1 Like

What progress? It sounds like you’re the only one working for that relationship and ur the only one with rules/limitations…I’ve been cheated on plenty to the point where I don’t find a relationship appealing bc I don’t need to be held back controlled cheated on bc I have more respect of myself I know I don’t deserve that…but seeing into the relationship without being in it is different…I can say til I’m blue in the face that’d dump his a** for what he’s doing but until I’m in the situation myself you never know what I might put up with

2 Likes

Once a cheater always a cheater :slightly_smiling_face: end it now 🏃‍♂

2 Likes

You’re both toxic af, leave each other alone, neither one of you have respect for the other or your marriage. Your marriage is kinda fake, let it go.

6 Likes

Why would you even want to stay in a marriage like that? Toxic and exhausting

6 Likes

Couples counseling. I think you are headed for a “conscious uncoupling.” Unless you both agree to an open marriage, I don’t think this is going to work. At least with a counselor you can confront issues with a pro who can help you see if it’s futile to keep hoping for better behavior from hubs in this regard even though you’ve worked hard to be in a better place than you were. He’s gotten away with cheating with little consequences so far, so I doubt he’ll see a reason to change his behavior. I’m sorry.

Do make sure you have evidence of all financials, contact a lawyer to discuss your options, and a women’s center on how to stay safe if you think that might be a problem. It’s good to do the research even if you decide to stay together.

1 Like

18 years in a “relationship” and you’re both still immature
GROW TF UP
If you’re married in a MONOGAMOUS relationship you don’t cheat…
If you LOVE someone you don’t cheat
You’re both toxic and honestly deserve each other

4 Likes

Just get out now. I don’t think you want to live the rest of your life wondering every time he’s on his phone. Once trust is gone, it’s never coming back.

7 Likes

why are you still there??? ld be gone…no fighting …no asking for the truth.Your gut told you something isn’t right…prepare to leave and dont look back!..second chances can have NO room for this crap

3 Likes

why on earth are you both still in this marriage? it isn’t ever going to work.

You should absolutely not just let it go. I think y’all most likely should have stayed separate. I would have tried to fix my marriage tho just like you so I’m not judging by any means. But he’s proving he doesn’t want only you if he’s hiding things from you so significant. Have y’all considered an open relationship? I know that’s way far out there but it could be an option if y’all were both open to it

2 Likes

Sorry but you might think things are great in your marriage but obviously he has other ideas.
If he has cheated before he will do it again.
Leave move on and me happy because he will never change

1 Like

Girl he hasn’t stopped cheating he’s just gotten better at hiding it. You two are not meant to be together, move on!

10 Likes

Is this even a question? RUN!

1 Like

Yikes on bikes.
Work with your individual therapist to resolve your codependency and control issues. Once you have some emotional independence and establish some self esteem, reassess this entire dynamic.
I believe you will feel very differently about it.

2 Likes

Time for a change in your life…

Leave him he’s a loser. I’ve lived like that for years it only brings you down get out and live happy my friend

You were both unfaithful and he’s continuing to be who/what he always was/is and you’re surprised why? You’re the only one trying – your choice here is either move on or get to doing you just like him.

1 Like

Don’t fool yourself! You’re NOT making any progress!

2 Likes

Nothing good is built on deceit

1 Like

Approach him about if he wants to have an open marriage? Or swing, like other couples? Or do a 'sister-wives-thing? If his answer is yes, to any of these…then that tells you that he never did want a traditional marriage. You choose from there, what you want to do. Life is all about ‘trade-off’s’ of what your willling to put up with, and where you draw the line. If your looking for a solo traditional marriage…he obviously, is NOT your guy. He belongs to everyone else. Don’t keep falling for his false promises until you get a STD, that you can’t get rid of…and THEN, decide to leave. Just walk! He isnt worth it. Lots of guys out there looking for a great lady. Go find your ‘right one’.

1 Like

It doesn’t sound like he is being faithful. It’s up to you wether you think your marriage is ok with this going on. But if it continues it probably won’t work out

1 Like

Just have an open marriage or end it already :roll_eyes:

6 Likes

No questions no explanation no nothing. Do it girl

If you value yourself and your mental stability, let that man go. This is so toxic…20 yrs!!! Do y’all have kids? If not, walk out that door and close it for good

5 Likes

Sis you’re the only one trying to make it work. You’re bending over backwards to keep the peace with a man who has shown you he doesn’t care about you or how you feel. Let him know you know. Tell him you’re hurt. Pack your bags and leave. There are better men out there.

1 Like

I would have deleted her from his Snapchat when I saw it.

1 Like

yall obviously aren’t working & its time to say its done…

Ok first things first. COMMUNICATION!!! You know you need to talk to him! If he would end the relationship if the scripts were turned then you should feel the same way! That’s not fair to you at all! Relationships need 50/50. He needs to be called out!

2 Likes

Think of it like a vase… You guys broke your vase, and have been trying to pick up all the pieces and glue them back together. No matter what, the cracks will always be there. You can choose to look past them or start with a new vase. Me personally, I could NEVER look past those cracks. What’s done is done and I would never be able to trust that person again.

3 Likes

When you’re in the car one day pick up his phone and ask him his password you need to check something real quick. (evidence 1)If he doesn’t give it to you, let him put his password in and just check the weather or something. Later, Send him a Snap request which notifies him you know about the account. (warning 2) Then Snap his ex/side chick a message letting her know you guys are together and you’d appreciate her to stop messaging your husband (warning 3) If this doesn’t start the conversation between you and your husband, it is your choice to stay in an unfaithful, dishonest marriage. The choice is yours! Life is to short to stay in an unhappy relationship!

2 Likes

You’ve made the progress…HE HASN’T AND AT THIS POINT MORE THAN LIKELY WON’T! I would cut ties, divorce and anything else I have to do to get out of it and stay out. There’s a phrase once a cheater always a cheater, keep that in mind. My husband and I have been together 12 years and married 11 years very happily. We have pass codes on our phones because we have dogs who have pushed random buttons and called people or actually made purchases lol. We’ve even pocket dialed so to avoid all that we have pass codes but we know each other’s and can use each other’s phones freely if needed.

1 Like

There has been no progress if he’s still cheating?

1 Like

He knows he can still see other women cause when you find out about it, you stay around.

If your no longer ok with the cheating leave.

1 Like

If you both have previously been unfaithful, and you both love each other then why not just sit down and discuss having an open relationship or polyamorous relationship… set boundaries with each other and maybe explore how that would work for you’re relationship… it doesn’t have to be the end… you can have a healthy relationship still if communication is open and boundaries are set that both of you are comfortable with

5 Likes

I wouldn’t tell him how you know but tell him that you know about his Snapchat and that you know he’s been texting her again and demand answers. I would make him unlock his phone right in front of me and show me everything but I’m a strong woman that don’t take shit from any man! I’ve been married 12 years and I don’t play these stupid little mind games. Show me your phone or get tf out.

U need to set higher standards and what you expect. Zero tolerance. Then leave!

1 Like

Trust your gut ,thats all i have am afraidx

Go WITH your gut, not AGAINST it. Your intuition is telling you exactly what he’s up to. YOU said If it were the other way around, it would be over, let it be over this way around.

3 Likes

Sounds like an open marriage would work for you guys or just ending the relationship altogether.

3 Likes

You try working it out . Let him go . He think he be take back ever time He dose some else wrong. You need man not boy . End this game that he play with your heart :heart:

1 Like

Y’all need to leave each other

4 Likes

It time to just move on

3 Likes

Im sorry but cheaters are cheaters. You two shouldn’t even trust eachother. Smh

3 Likes

Ya’ll are not making any progress he is still cheating

3 Likes

An apology without changed behavior is just manipulation. And it seems he knows how to manipulate and lie very well.
Demand an open marriage for both of you, if you want to stay—or divorce.
All this is way too much to live peacefully. :blue_heart:

7 Likes

l get paid over $110 per hour working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes over $11790 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.

Details HERE… https://DollarGrowth6.surge.sh

Y’all created this shit show by cheating in the first place. Why did you even get married in the first place? Thag says you both were ok with the cheating. Why do you expect it to stop now?

Send him a snap chat and go from there :joy:

4 Likes

Can’t save a marriage if only one side is working towards the goal. Get the divorce paperwork my dear

4 Likes

You may have changed things up for your marriage,but he’s not given up anything…and you think you guys have made progress??? Apparently not!

8 Likes

Y’all sound like y’all both have set up your relook be this way.

1 Like

First of all u are both cheaters so one is no better than the other…Second, if u can’t trust each other,then y be together?.. & if your not ok with him cheating,then leave already…U are both supposed to be adults,so start acting like one.

2 Likes

So don’t confront him, ask him. If he lies, you have your answer. Which is your progress isn’t actually progress and he just got better at hiding shit.

This is my biggest fear of being in a relationship :broken_heart::sweat: I hope the best for you! :heart:

1 Like

You two need to sit down and decide exactly what is and is not acceptable in your relationship. One thing is certain: lying and deceit cannot play a role. Both of you must be very realistic about what you’re willing to commit to.

1 Like

You need marriage counseling.

First red flag
Password on his phone

2 Likes

l get paid over $110 per hour working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes over $11620 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.

Details HERE… https://DollarGrowth27.surge.sh

Can’t save a marriage if only one person is working towards this goal🤷🏼‍♀️

5 Likes

Why are you married?

3 Likes

Just leave!! Sounds like a pretty toxic situation to me.

2 Likes

Girl, why are you still there wasting your life away? This man has no intention now or ever of being true to you. I bet you have a good job and over do your share of paying the bills. One day you are goi g to wake up old. D he is still going to leave. This mAn is giving you left overs. Are you really going to settle for that?

4 Likes

No way of saving this

Why do you think that you confronting him about his behavior will damage the marriage? Doesn’t it make more sense that it’s his behavior that’s damaging the marriage?

3 Likes