My husband constantly brings up my past

My husband and I are separated and have been for quite a while. We were together for 16 years and have children. Things had gotten to the point that I was always mentally exhausted. I constantly apologized, begged, and cried. He still to this day wants me to feel sorry for all the things that I have done. He makes statements like “It really hurts me that youve convinced yourself that you didnt lead me on.” Or when I say something about the way that I was hurt, he always comes back with all of the things that I did to hurt him and how he is still there waiting and I just walked away. He tells me that all I do is run and that I refuse to talk to him about anything important. But honestly, Im tired of feeling like a horrible person. I dont want to be a mom that is more worried about her husband and his behavior than she is about her children. Im done talking about everything that I did wrong and why that is the reason for everything that he did/does to me. Im tired of being told that I dont care about him or that I dont do enough for him. He posts on social media that he is so sorry and acts like Im so amazing. People who see this or hear him (including our children) want to know why I would leave because he just loves me so much. There is too much damage. I realize that he may be right and I may be the cause of all of it but I dont need to be reminded all the time. I dont need to be interrogated or made to feel bad if I help someone or worry that he will see the wrong person talk to me. He watches my social media and has alerts turned on. He has even questioned me about responses that I have made to questions on this page. He was my best friend for so long and I do love him and I want him to be happy and to be happy for me and to raise our babies together. I just cant get him to see his own value and know that he will be okay. He refuses. He wants me to come back and fix everything but I couldnt fix it then and I dont want to go back to the place that we all were. How do I make him stop? How am I supposed to be happy again and let go of all this guilt that he is so often reminding me of? I feel like I cant move on until he lets me go. The thought of that makes me sad too but until recently I really believed that everyone in my family would be happier if I disappeared and wasnt able to do so much damage. I just want to feel better.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband constantly brings up my past

He is a narcissist and will never change. He will make believe you were the bad one and he did nothing wrong. Stay away from him let him say and do things. You should never have to feel that way. What he does is abuse…

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Time to get a restraining order. Live your life and refuse to respond to anything he says.

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What did you do so wrong that he makes you feel like crap any chance he gets? He needs to move on you want to move on clearly but can’t because of him. I’d say keep doing you and ignore his comments and make it clear things are over and never going to happen again

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Stay separated and eventually divorce, delete him off all social media,make your accounts private and get Into therapy immediately. You can’t make him stop anything but you can restrict his access to you.

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You need a marriage councilor to referee. Someone who can make sure you are both heard.

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He’s a narcissist. Divorce him and never look back. You deserve and will find someone better. When the time is right.

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I stopped after your first quote because that is 100% gaslighting. I don’t even need to read the rest. If you’re mentally exhausted when involved with him, move on and mentally heal yourself for you & your children’s sake.

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He’s gaslighting you. Block him on all of your social media so that he doesn’t stalk you on there anymore. Tell him all communication from here on out will only be by phone and about the kids.

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Sounds like a narcissist

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Be careful finding a marriage therapist. He may paint a picture of you to the therapist and bias them

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Damn, you must of done some stuff to that man. How bout apologize and be clear that it’s time for y’all to move on and that there’s no chance of reconciling. Be clear that you are acknowledging the pain your actions have caused and then block him on social media. You not moving on is probably causing him more pain and sending mixed signals.

The lyrics to Avery Anna’s song, Narcissist

Out of touch with my feelings
I can’t help it if I’m happy or sad
Today I cried for no reason
Made me feel like a psychopath
I should hate you 'cause I love you
You should hate yourself for treating me like that
We both know you only love you
Did you know they have a name for that?
You say that I’m crazy
You say that you’re sorry
Won’t happen again
You say I’m dramatic
I’m overreacting
And maybe I am
And I know you’ll get over me
But can you get over yourself?
Before you go and love somebody else
You should probably get some help
My parents don’t like you
Why would they want to?
After they found me crying on the bathroom floor
I don’t even like me anymore
'Cause you say that I’m crazy
You say that you’re sorry
Won’t happen again
You say I’m dramatic
I’m overreacting
And maybe I am
And I know you’ll get over me
But can you get over yourself?
Before you go and love somebody else
You should probably get some help
You lose your voice when you yell too much
Don’t say you love me until you mess up
Phone calls past twelve o’clock, wanting me back
Don’t you know that they got a name for that?
You say that I’m crazy
You say that you’re sorry
Won’t happen again
You say I’m dramatic
I’m overreacting
And maybe I am
And I know you’ll get over me
But can you get over yourself?
Before you go and love somebody else
You should probably get some help

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What he is doing to you is emotional abuse. Divorce him and block him on your social media. Start seeing a counselor for yourself and your kids.

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Your separated right?? Why are you still putting up with this?!?!?

He makes these comments so that you are the bad guy and he is the victim. Shut that :poop: down by telling him… our marriage is over, none of that matters anymore. And refuse to talk to him (or text him back, etc) when he brings these thing us. If someone else says something to you (your kids, friends, family) tell them there is 2 sides to every story and just because you are not stooping to his level doesn’t mean he wasn’t a fault for the marriage failing too. And that it’s not their business.
You left… there is no reason that you need to be rehashing this blame stuff all of the time.

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Walk away. You deserve peace in your life. You deserve it. Love and take care of your children. Love and take care of yourself.

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Gaslighting. Read what you wrote “everytime I try to tell him I was hurt, he brings up everything I did wrong” praises you on social media and as a direct result people ask why you left. That’s abuse

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He is no longer your husband, you owe him nothing!

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Get. Away. From. Him.
Completely.
Don’t even try therapy with him.

He’s spent his whole life convincing people. He’ll always get people to believe what HE wants.
Be careful, for real.
Even your kids need to be careful.

That kind of person is the scariest.
No one will believe you or understand, if he gets to them first.

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There are a few good books out there about narrassistic behavior and how to deal with it, but remember they WILL NEVER CHANGE, take care of you.

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Go to therapy without him and practice BIFF responses with him. Brief, informative, friendly, firm. And keep everything else about your children only.

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OMG sounds like my exhusband the narcissist, girl get out, not everything is your fault. He cant be fixed. I recommend you move on.

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Perhaps therapy could help? Sometimes it helps when a professional can break things down & help you come to terms with things you either did or didn’t do. It’s not a bad thing to look into & it’s a healthy outlet when you need to heal from something, especially your past. He sounds like a narcissist & I hope you can learn to manage the fact that it’s not even about what you did anymore- it’s the fact he seems to be miserable & likes to project.

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Block him on all social media… And only communicate about the children ONLY. If he brings up anything you have done… or anything besides your children end the call immediately… or if in person simply say… okay I guess we are done talking about our kids. I need to leave now. And take off. Don’t give him the pleasure of fucking with you anymore.

If you both were willing to get into counciling you’d really bennift, but it not you’ve got to work on yourself first. I’m so sorry you feel like you do. Do you have a Pastor or someone you can talk to who wouldn’t judge you? Please get some help. You’re in my prayers :pray::pray::pray:

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Divorce him, block him and don’t look back

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Block him and move on

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If this has been happening for 16 years no wonder you’re exhausted. He is not going to change, get the divorce no one can fix him because according to him it’s you not him who has a problem. The only way to move on is to, block him out of your life. He will use your friends, the kids, and even your family to get to you.

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If this has been happening for 16 years no wonder you’re exhausted. He is not going to change, get the divorce no one can fix him because according to him it’s you not him who has a problem. The only way to move on is to, block him out of your life. He will use your friends, the kids, and even your family to get to you.

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A guy like this was never spoiled as a child or was hardly recognized. You gave him that affection an love he needed. And all that turned to a needy man. I mean, it ain’t bad that you loved him an was there for him. But he saw his opportunity to manipulate you.
Now, that you realize what kinda person his he’ll flip every thing on you. Which you don’t need. Your kids need you, an you can’t say you didn’t try. Don’t let him take advantage of you any more. Stay strong for your kids, an fight. Gets a restraining order.

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Stop talking to him about stuff in the past. It’s done. You’ll just talk in circles with no real end result. You don’t owe anyone your side of the story. Set boundaries only talking about the children. Blocked him on everything get everything separate. Take back your life.

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Sounds like my ex, a gaslighting narcissist. Your going to have to put down firm boundaries. You only communicate in regards to the children, nothing else period. If that doesnt work see about a third party service or someone you can get to do exchanges and use a communication book for things that need to be discussed regarding the children.

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He’s a Narcissist. He will never stop Gaslighting you as long as you participate. Cut Him Off Totally. Let him say what he will. And He Will. Block him from all of your Social Media. If he starts badgering you when your trying to coparent, walk away. It’s hard but you can do it. I did.

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Couples counseling. Guys a douche tho

He is a narcissist. Gaslighting and love bombing. No no no. Run run run.

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I think that you’ve got some internal healing and growing/evolving to do. You’ve got to also set solid boundaries, for your well being; whether or not it’s uncomfortable for you, or him. If y’all are separated, especially being this long, the marriage should be through with. The main priority and ONLY priority now, should be the children… a marriage involves TWO people. You are not the only person who has made mistakes I’m sure. It takes a great amount of not only understanding and accepting one another’s wrong doings but, also major accountability and change. I am so sorry that he is horrifically selfish and controlling; you need to put your foot down and protect your peace as well as solidify certain boundaries for yourself, your children and him.

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If he loved you he would want to work through the issue together, not use the issue as an excuse to abuse you.

Idc what anyone says…if someone is purposely treating someone like shit as ‘punishment’ for them doing something hurtful instead of talking and working through the situation that is toxic AF and not healthy at all. Abuse should never be an acceptable form of punishment to either partner in a relationship and if it is it is time to shut the whole damn thing down. Period.

Abuse isn’t punishment for past transgressions

I’m very sorry you are having these feelings… They are so consuming… He sounds very toxic for you. Regardless of your past happiness. He’s not your current happiness and he is breaking you down to feel less than and sadly it’s working. But you notice this pattern and that’s the hardest part! I would suggest therapy to help you navigate and sort yourself out… delete him from your social media and limit contact to just about the children. It will be difficult at first, but you will persevere! You’ll be happy again and that’s what you deserve!

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Is he gaslighting you? I see a lot of manipulative behavior here on HIS end. Hon, I’ve been there. I’ve been in therapy for a decade to undo the damage he did to me. I can’t recommend it enough. Having someone there to validate your feelings and help you spot his unhealthy behavior and abuse is so helpful. Because this is abuse.

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If he starts that, tell him you will hang up if he speaks about anything else but the kids. And then actually hang up. Enforce your boundaries. You aren’t weak and you aren’t his toy, stop letting him treat you like you are.

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Most people do not realize or choose to ignore the fact that in a lot of relationships… WHAT IS SAID AND DONE behind closed doors is totally different than what is being dramatically shown or told by the “poor victim “ on FB or in a public arena! Just saying!!!

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Ooh I have an ex like this too, never his fault always mine! I’ve seen the light now and wouldn’t look back if you paid me, he’s a narcissist and will never change, if your happier where you are personally now then you need to just let him get on with it my ex does the same thing always living in the past never moves forward and focus’ on him it’s always what I’m doing wants me to let him come to my home everyday to see my 2 sons 1 is bio his! I gave him 2 set days a week to come and see them and still wasn’t good enough they will never change so just move forward yourself if he’s still living in hope your going to have to explain over and over again that it didn’t work the first probably million times yous have tried(like myself) it’ll never work. Yous are both just going to be miserable!

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Your future is not dependent on him. Let that part go. He firm and set boundaries. You can also control what he sees on social media. I’d block him until he can be an adult. If you have clearly communicated your needs and he is not willing to meet them, even in this scenario…that tells you all you need about the relationship. I had to completely cut off my ex husband from anything about me that didn’t involve our child. It was difficult but until he could respect my boundaries that was it. He hurt me so bad (mentally) that he is no longer privy to any part of my life other than coparenting. And after a rocky year or so, we seem to have figured it out. As long as he thinks he can keep playing you he will. Good luck and remember you are not responsible for someone else’s actions :slight_smile:

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Narcissist behavior on his part. File for divorce. Find someone you can be happy with.

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If he reads your responces on “Mama’s” then he obviously know what he is as nd what he’s doing to you, disregard all his BS and throw him to the wolves on here every once in a while and maybe it will get better

Your happiness and your children’s happiness supersedes anything. If you feel that the relationship isn’t working and you just wanna go to therapy then go together so that way they’re neither can buy us the other. No private sessions nothing. In regards to social media delete him off of everything, change the privacy settings. If you have to get to the point where he still seeing everything you throw a friend, block him. You can do is protect yourself because that’s what you need to do.

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This man is controlling your life. You will need to be very strong and cut all ties. Learn about coercive contolling behaviours. Block him from your social media. The people who believe him are not your friends so just delete them from your life. Explain to your children that sometimes adult relationships just aren’t meant to be. Do not be negative about him to them (as hard as it is). He is all about himself and not taking any responsibility for himself. You need to believe in your own self worth, get counselling. If you do want to be together to raise your kids together you need counselling. Sorry but we have raised generations of selfish people and he is showing signs of being a controlling bully which manages to convince everyone else that you are the problem and not him. Classic!!

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You BOTH need THERAPY and he sounds extremely insecure and there is NOTHING you can do to fix that.

Know you’re worth!! You don’t deserve a narcissist like that. File for divorce set your boundaries and only discuss the children with him if he talks of any other shut him down. You’re letting all the past can send you but just remember you don’t live there no more and he can’t take you back there by making you feel bad. Be strong for your kids and put God first!!

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Narcissistic man. He’ll never do anything wrong. Everything is always your fault.

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why the fuk are you even talking to him?

It seems very important to him that you feel horrible about yourself. Always. There is no forgiveness in him. Move on. For yourself.

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He is a toxic narcissist! He is attempting to keep control. He still has control because you’re allowing it. If you’ve been separated for quite a while, then file for divorce, custody and child support. Limit any and all communication to ONLY about the kids. Don’t express your feelings to him. He obviously didn’t care about your feelings when you were together, because if he did, you might still be together. So, cut all contact unless it’s strictly about the kids, ignore what other people think/say, file for divorce and get yourself and your children into therapy.

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Block him on all social media & kick anyone that is on his friends list. All. Of. Them. He can blame you all day but he allowed it to get the point so he’s weak. Instead of help, her used it against you. Who needs that?
Clean your slate. Seriously. Get rid of all of them & start over. Delete texts, contacts, emails; hell, set up a new email.
Also, get into therapy. There’s in-person & apps. Do the work to heal yourself.
I had family always calling my mom about my FB. I mean, discussions regarding news, fashion, car styles or whatever… They ran to her like I was doing something wrong. I was 30, married & had kids. My family’s always brought up stuff from my teenage years. Didn’t matter I had turned my life around. I made more than 90% of them & paid off my house & cars by 37. :roll_eyes: So, I walked away from them. All of them. :v:
I cleaned my lists & blocked them all.
It’s been 5 years & my life is calmer. No drama is allowed in my circle. I’m at peace & refuse to go back.
You aren’t your past & anyone focused only your mistakes shouldn’t have access to you. :black_heart:

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Move on. You can’t spend your life focused on the past… you’ll never move on or be happy.

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Instead of arguing about it and going through it over and over ask him how you can help him to forgive you! He is clearly hurt, just because tears and sorry would work for you doesn’t mean it will him. That said, he needs to heal for his own sake, it’s unfair to talk to you like that over and again!

Seek therapy for yourself and maybe the kids cut all ties except if it pertains to the children

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Sounds like you cheated. It takes ALONG time, if EVER to forgive a cheater. Might as well end it if that’s how you feel and don’t wanna own up to the responsibility and the hurt.

Tell him you don’t wana talk to him about anything unless it involves the kids and don’t message back to anything that he sends

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You are already separated, don’t go back, things won’t get any better, he is trying to control you and manipulate/ guilt you into going back. You and your children deserve a better life than this.

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I was in a relationship where it looked great and everyone wondered why I left. So I started telling people the truth. He made me feel horrible. He gave me anxiety. I had to take medication. And then he teased me for being on medication.

It isn’t ever easy explaining yourself to people and honestly you don’t have to. He doesn’t have the right to blame you anymore. I’m sorry you’re feeling this.

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Your past isn’t meant to be a prison sentence. Anyone that throws it at you like that doesn’t truly love you, they’re manipulating you. Guilt trips are a form of emotional abuse. Regardless of what it is you did or didn’t do in your past, you deserve to heal and be happy too. Just move on and let that be the end of it. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. Also, learn to protect yourself, because if he’s stalking you online it’s pretty likely he’s stalking you in the flesh too. Take control of your own safety.

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Don’t talk to him about anything but the children if he starts shut him down

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You cant help those that wont help themselves. He is not willing to admit faults and points fingers away from himself…he wont change…leave and be happier with yourself.

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He is gaslighting you…cut all ties but kid stuff…he will become someone elses problem soon. Unless you continue to be his supply.

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To me, he sounds narcissistic. I would just cut all ties with him and your shared friends. Keep the Relationship about the children only. If nothing pertains to the children, no need to speak to each other.

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Alternatively…you could find a counselor and ask him if he will go together and air out all your stuff…its not to get back together just to have that 3rd party validate you and whats been happening. lts also a way of closure and go from there. He’s guilt tripping you BUT did you do those things??..did you drive the relationship into a ditch?? …is it time to one last time tell him how sorry you are and have a counselors input for him to hear.He’s got it over you like a mouse on a string and you need to take charge to stop living on guilt

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From reading this I’m guessing you lied or cheated about something that broke y’all marriage. However, that courageous feeling you had to do whatever you did, you need to find that feeling again and leave. This man is willing to torture you until you do so why not put yourself out of that misery

You need space from him completely. Block him for a while. Have an intermediary do pick ups and drop off for child visitation. Get yourself back
Then you will feel strong enough to handle him

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Find solutions instead of running. Maybe he wants to feel seen and heard. We don’t know what’s happened in your marriage so it’s tough to give advice with little context. I agree with some others that counseling or therapy is a good start. As always, the best apology is changed behaviour. If you have truly lost your love for him or you feel the wedge is pushed too far then you need to be open and honest with him about your feelings. Asserting yourself in a gentle way can maybe help him see the bigger picture. If neither of you are willing to change you’ll keep repeating the lessons until you have learned them. Best of luck!

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You can’t change the past, and him constantly bringing it up is an issue with him…beating a dead horse isn’t going to change whatever happened. We’ve all made mistakes and have apologized for it, but if the other person isn’t willing to comprehend that then nothing will change. Unless he’s willing to work it out with therapy then there’s no point with you staying. You shouldn’t have to feel like crap for the rest of your life over a mistake that was made a long time ago

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He’s a narcissist!!!

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You are separated, I would make it clear to him that is done and to stop brining up things in the past. He isn’t a saint and needs to stop. And how would you ever get back together if he can’t get over the past. If he continues don’t have any contact with him unless it’s about the kids. If he starts say nope and hang up or leave. You don’t need him to be able to move on. Of course he is going to blame you otherwise he would have to blame himself and it’s easier to blame others. This should be confirmation that things are over. He won’t let things go and that’s his problem to live with. Let go, move on and be happy. Don’t worry about what he thinks.

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He’s a narcissistic creep. File for divorce. Get custody of the kids and child support. Cut off all communication unless it involves the kids. If he starts to say anything else, stop the conversation and bring it back to the kids. If he can’t keep it there, hang up. Get into therapy for yourself and the kids. Cut out communications with people who are close with him or listen to his sad tales of woe. No relationship has ever broken down because of the actions of just one person. It took two to start the relationship, it took both to mess it up. Not just one. My first husband blamed me for everything. I wasn’t the perfect housekeeper, I wasn’t the perfect size two after I had the kids, and I wasn’t highly educated, although I did get my LPN. He cheated, talked to me worse than if I was a dog, pushed me, ran me down in front of our two small children, and drank like a fish, becoming violent. He stayed out till all hours, and was insufferable. I don’t let what he has said get to me. I know what happened. I know how I felt. I have PTSD because of childhood memories, he added to that. I’m under no illusions that my sins were any greater than his. We both messed up. And the marriage died an ugly death. He’s gone now. He wanted it known at his funeral that he never wanted our divorce. I wasn’t at the funeral, but he knew the kids would tell me what was said. Of course he didn’t want the divorce! He could treat me like dirt, have his girlfriends, do his running around, and do as he pleased while I raised the kids and kept the home fires burning. No thank you. I needed a life too.

Also if you’re separated and you are done with the relationship then stop calling him your husband. You won’t move on until you finalize that he is not your husband anymore.

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I feel for you but what’s done is done you have to moved on try going to Therapy Praying for you :pray:t4:

Hes gaslighting you, that is a form of manipulation. You’re separated, don’t allow his OPINION to affect you.

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Go counseling and work on you. He sounds narcissistic. You will never win with a narcissistic people no matter how much work you do on you. They will continue to blame you always.

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do u know the meaning of blackmail? This is a typical example. If you are bad so be it, why is he still talking about this since you are both separated? One thing I get very scared of with this type of experience is loosing confidence in yourself, for me this is going to be the climax of events. Your kids are priority, take them all from him and mind your affairs. It would be best if you are educated and of course has something doing, forge ahead, don’t mind him. If you believe it is spiritual attack then pray against it only when you have moved on with your kids. Bear in mind that an insecure man will always send spies to monitor your affairs, but if this is the case, maintain your focus and ignore the spies; always be you. Believe me he will only regret loosing you by the time you become who you should be, and all his destructive criticism will come to an end.

Girl you need therapy

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Sounds like you are married to a Narcissist and I have been where you are, yes you may have made mistakes, who hasn’t , no one is perfect but you don’t owe him an explanation for anything you do now, it may be hard for him to understand you guys aren’t together anymore and nor do you want to be. I don’t think it’s a good idea to have him on Social Media, you should block him for now and just focus on your children and your mental health, keep your conversations strictly related to your children and nothing else. Counseling for you and the children would be a great idea as well. Hold your head up high and know it was your past and it needs to stay there

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This sounds like my sil. He didn’t do anything wrong. She decided she was too good for him and that she didn’t get to experience things she wanted too. This won’t be “ “ story. Well that’s all your kids story is now. I used to love and respect my sil. I do not respect or like her anymore. Allow people to feel the way about you that they need too. You can be “you” and not need peoples approval or respect. Delete social media and live your life.

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Counseling immediately. Controlling people put you down and blame everything on you It is never their fault. You made me you did this you did that that is why is it bad it is all your fault. Been there done that. Get help for yourself. You need to feel better about you so you can see what is happening

You can’t live in the past and expect a future. He needs to grow up and stop living in the past

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He sounds like a narcissist

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Hes a narcissistic ass. Stop communicating with him unless it has to do with your kids. End of story.

Take your babies go to a woman’s safe house and work on taking mag good care of you and your children he is unstable band can not be there for you in his state of Mindy McAdams Sierra

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It’s gaslighting that’s all he is doing then trying to love bomb you. Block him on social media. He’s one way with you and different with others. He’s just trying to make you look like the bad guy. You can’t heal and move on if someone is always throwing salt on an open wound. Get some counseling and if people want to know why you left just tell them he’s not the person they think he is. Then leave it at that. You don’t need to explain yourself to anybody. You have every right to be happy.

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Divorce him! Block him, he isn’t worth what he is putting you thru. Live your life for you.

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He’s no longer in charge of you. Enforcing your boundaries will incur strong reactions, increased manipulation and accusations. If you stick to your guns these things will eventually decrease.

I see no good coming out of this he is going to keep throwing the past up to you he can;t let it go and never will ,red flags take care of your self and the children ,

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Why would you care what an Ex thinks…
Tell him get a life and both of you move on… If you allow an ex to sit in your mind your not allowing yourself your space or space for new adventures… Go no contact for 6 months and refund you without emotional distress… Then go no contact for 12 more month, or as long as it takes

Get some counselling. Might help your marriage but will at least help you and maybe your children. Doubtful about your husband but maybe it could help him too.

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Narcissistic behavior definitely on his part. Hurt people tend to hurt people to make them feel much better about themselves & their actions. You need to focus on your mental health. Don’t ever feel you’re not needed or wanted or “they” would be better without you. You’ve let what people say control your mind. If you tell him how you feel & he doesn’t see any wrong with what he did… don’t discuss it anymore. He needs to get over the past. Accept what happened, happened NOW get over it. We can’t live there forever & you shouldn’t have to be punished daily for mistakes made… we are all HUMAN. No one’s perfect. Seek therapy if need be but always remember your kids definitely need you if you ever feel no one else does… & they will NEVER be better off without you :heart: good luck!

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He’s emotionally abusing you.

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Divorce him and go on with your life