My husband constantly jokes that everything in our house is his: Advice?

I’m a SAHM. This was a mutual decision made between my husband and me. It hasn’t even been a year, and he’s “jokingly” made comments about the financial situation. A couple of examples: I mentioned how I hadn’t bought myself anything in months, and he “jokingly” replied that if I had a job, it wouldn’t be an issue. Another example is that we’ve sold our old house, and have bought a new one. However, the new one is solely under his name as my credit score is about 25 points lower than his, and we didn’t want that affecting us getting the best interest rates out there (without us having to buy it down). He “jokingly” comments how it’s HIS house. Upon escrow closing, we got a gift basket, and he “jokingly” comments how it’s actually HIS gift basket. Every single time he does something like this, I tell him how rude, disrespectful, and hurtful it is. I remind him he wanted me to stay home with our baby and that I agreed it was the best idea. And each time, he says he was just joking, and I can’t take a joke. He then proceeds to get upset at me because I’m hurt/upset by it. Am I just too sensitive on the topic, or is he gaslighting me? He’s never been like this with anything else ever, so I don’t want to overreact, but it’s really bugging me. :tired_face:

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I am sorry love. Sit down and talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. Maybe he doesn’t even realize.

I’d try talking to him one last time and if he doesn’t take that seriously, start looking for a job. There are programs that can help you with daycare expenses, if needed. If he says something about that, I’d explain to him that you’re tired of his “jokes” and will have “your” own things from here on out.

Oh no, hell no. Mistake number one - never get a house with anyone without your name on half.

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My husband is sarcastic a majority of the time, but NEVER has he said anything that we have is solely his. I’m also never told I can’t have anything; my husband tells me to buy what I want because his money is my money too. (Side note: you definitely should have had your name on the house). I’d have an honest talk with him about how his constant “jokes” are seemingly not jokes. No offense, but your husband sounds like an asshole.

You are not being too sensitive, it bothers you, you have repeatedly told him so. He is being a bully.

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I’d make sure my name is on the house. We have 2 houses HE bought because my credit is horrid and my name is on them. He sounds like a dick. Get a job and show him what’s what. I stay home because my husband is military and doesn’t work if I’m not home but if he ever made comments like that I would show him he means nothing and get a job.

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He doesn’t sound very nice and supportive. It sounds like gaslighting to me.

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i’m the same way and my boyfriend says the same things. i promise you’re not overreacting, it hurts me too. i work when i can as a substitute teacher, my pay is $2.75 more than his and he still puts me down because i can’t work as much as i’m the one taking my daughter to her appointments and the one that stays home when his parents aren’t able to take my little.

Stop cleaning HIS house. :woman_shrugging::rofl: seriously, though this would really bother me also. Team has no I. Explain again how this makes u feel ,it’s not Joke , u don’t find it funny and it’s hurtful to you. I’d also wanna know why he keeps saying this … does it bother him ? Is it that important that it’s his ? And for me depending on the answers they might be red flags for me .

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It doesn’t really matter who’s name the house is in, it has to be split if divorced so you would still get it haha tell him that lol

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This is why I will never ever be financially dependent on a spouse again. Been there done that. No thank you. Best thing I ever did for MYSELF was get a job and do more than momming it all day everyday. I could never go back to being a SAHM. I hope things get better for you. Maybe change things up a little for yourself. Good luck.

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I would just snap back and state “Well my lawyer won’t agree, keep it up and find out.” :+1::woman_shrugging:

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It’s not that you can’t take a joke. It’s that he’s not funny lol

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Technically he’s correct :joy:

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Bottom line is you dont like when he jokes like that so he shouldn’t do it. He knows it bothers you. It’s not funny!!

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Depending on your state, remind him that in a divorce, it’s 50/50 & the kids are yours.
See how he likes it.

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If it bothers you, it bothers you. Tell him that this a boundary for you, that you NEED him to respect because it is negatively taking a toll on you. If he truly loves you, it will stop. You may have to remind him a couple times, to keep him on track, but trust me. If he is working on it, you will see the improvement. It won’t happen nearly as often. Boundaries are a wonderful thing. I personally have a hard time setting them, but I know I feel better when I do and I’m taken more seriously.
Hope things get better for you :heart:

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Get yourself on the title at least…and he sounds like an ass, or at least one regarding this topic.

Been here before in relationships, this is 100% gaslighting!

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Put your name on the deed

Set him straight… Either charge him for cooking and cleaning his house… Or go back to work so he gets what it’s like for you to not be there 100%

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Keep calling him out on it.
And be firm.
Don’t allow him to.
Tell him you’ll gladly burn all his shit up bet he shut up then.

Write out a list of stuff you do at home and bill him like baby sitting or day care cleaner nurse doctor chef etc

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My husband’s credit score is over 800. Mine is probably not even close. We sold our old house, bought a bigger house. My name is on the title but wasn’t on the mortgage. Your name needs to be on the title.

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Start giving him a bill for the child care, maid service, and dinner every night! Or remind him that legally in marriage everything is 50/50 in a divorce :relaxed:

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No, you are not overreacting. It might be time for you to ditch that loser.

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Tell him a joke is something that makes someone laugh and you’re not laughing… and then “joke” to him about getting a divorce lawyer

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Tell him your getting a job and go to work when he gets home or tell him his splitting the cost of care

Stop cleaning HIS house or HIS laundry and don’t cook HIS meals. Take care of you and YOUR child and tell him to get over it or stop trying to be “funny” when he gets upset.

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Maybe you could try to do something part time or try to make money at a hobby you enjoy? And I’m talking from home even. Just for a little spending cash on the side? Then you could buy yourself things without feeling guilty. And it would probably shut him up. But not really okay that he’s saying those things to you if you both agreed on you being a SAHM.

It is his house that was a big mistake.

I’d tell him that I don’t like it, I’ve told him I don’t like it, and to either STFU or we could talk to a lawyer to see what’s really “his.”

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Remind him you’re entitled to half of the assets that were acquired in the marriage, then tell him you’re also entitled to 20-30% in child support. If he wants to be talking big to make himself feel better let him know you’ll be in a better position then him once the divorce is finalized. You’ve told him it bothers you and that it’s not funny, sounds like he’s being a jerk. I’d recommend being petty but that’s just me :woman_shrugging:t2:

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I would “jokingly” tell him watch me divorce you and see how much is really yours… :woman_shrugging:t3:

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No cause that’s hella rude.

Looking for a reaction. Don’t give him one

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If he keeps saying it he ain’t joking, he’s making sure you know you have nothing :pensive:

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Gaslighting 100% He wants to diminish you! Experience 101

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IF you are in a community property state…the house was purchased after marriage…and depending on whose house the old name was in… if you aren’t in a community property state and the old house was in your name too…then you have a vested interest in the new house. But yes…he is gaslighting you…go get a job.

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It’s not a joke it’s his real feelings and he’s a fucking narcasit. Dealt with this shit from my ex husband.hints why he’s an ex. Girl don’t put up with his bs go find you a man who appreciates you

If it is ‘his house’ leave everything up to him- cleaning, laundry, meals etc.
Break down how much a home chef, child care, house cleaning services etc cost send him a bill.
If he is going to act like a child then treat him like one.

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If you don’t want to live the stay at home life then don’t live it. If you want to be equal then provide equally

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Yeah that wouldn’t fly with me. I’d be telling him off and remind him you’re entitled to it just as much as he is. If it’s his stop doing his stuff. Maybe he will get the hint.

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Remove his name from your car title and “joke” about how it’s your car and how he should really ask before he uses it.

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It’s extremely rude!

Next time he wants some nookie, tell him y’all need to discuss the price a azzz :rofl::joy::rofl:

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I’d jokingly say that if it’s “not my house”, I don’t have to clean it, cook in it, do laundry in it, etc. If he wants those things done, he can pay you or someone else to do them.

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My husband used to joke about it too until I had a mental breakdown and was in a mental facility for two weeks and he realized how much I actually did while I was gone. :woman_shrugging:t3:
It doesn’t come up anymore.

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That’s how it starts than with my experience he will later after a few years be a ass whole n kick u out. I’d get a job and get you and baby ur OWN PLACE.

I’d be getting a job ASAP so he can’t say it anymore. He’s definitely gaslighting you.

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Gaslighting my dear.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LADIES…ALWAYS BE ABLE TO STAND ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET. KEEP A JOB AND LET THEN KEEP THEIR JOKES.

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Yea, you’re not being sensitive at all. He’s totally doing it on purpose…

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My ex did this everything was his i couldn’t stand it. My fiance now everything is ours never has he said oh i bought this so its mine even jokingly but if he did id probably be upset just cause the past and let him know and he wouldn’t do it anymore

he is not “JOKING”. Get a sitter, make him pay for said sitter, get a job, and your own checking, savings, and credit card account. It’s gonna end, be prepared. This is no joke. Make yourself a valuable employee and a credit worthy person, you’re gonna need it

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When my husband and I bought our first house we were told I had to sign the papers also because we were married. Originally I wasn’t going to sign because I didn’t like the house and I told him he could buy the damn thing I didn’t want anything to do with it. But we were told I had to sign or we couldn’t get it. So I ended up signing all the papers

Following! Im a sahm also. I get a lot of the same even tho he was the one who wanted me to stay home :roll_eyes:

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That sounds abusive and is for sure a gaslighting technique.

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Remind him that you helped support and pay for the house that sold so he best give you at least 50% of the cash for your own bank account, or he can stfu about it all being his.

Plus, what you do is the equivalent of 2.5 jobs. He probably wouldn’t last a week in your shoes

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Tell him it’s only a joke if you both think it’s funny and you don’t think it’s funny so quit saying it.

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I’d be like well if I left half of everything in this place would be mine and marriage is 50/50… tell him he is welcome to be stay at home dad and u will work… Be a stay at home mom is a full time job…

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Tell him that he may think it’s funny and joke worthy, but to you it makes you feel less than as he constantly keeps doing it. Once or twice is a fun joke, but at every opportunity is no longer a joke and is actually hurtful and borderline emotionally abusive. If he still don’t understand, then tell him if he keeps joking about how it’s all his stuff, then you’ll take your BABY since they came from YOUR body and he’ll find himself enjoying HIS stuff on HIS OWN.

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Your name doesn’t have to be on the loan to be on the deed.

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https://local12.com/amp/news/offbeat/local12.com/news/offbeat/survey-stay-at-home-moms-should-earn-a-178000-salary

He is being insensitive

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Tell him its only “his” till u get it in the divorce, and he’ll only have to pay for it till the baby is 18!!! That will shut him up!!!

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Make him put the house in your name now. You can do that now and I definitely would

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You didn’t have to be on loan but i hope you are 50% on the home

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No you’re not over reacting he’s being a douch.

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it should be equal. being a stay at home mom or not u need ur name on that title…
I get how u are feeling. hubby makes more.than me but I’m.still bring I. something he still makes comments but he’s getting better at saying ours. he knows he wouldn’t be where he is at now without me.

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Get a job. Then let him know yall need to find a daycare since you’ll be working. Completely blindside him.

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Ohhh hell to the nooooo! Girl my husband would never say this nonsense to me. Why you ask? Because we both have the same vision on what we want. No one is better equipped to raise your babies than you. He needs to knock that passive aggressive nonsense off. Girl put your foot down! You are not overreacting

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Gaslighting ! Watch tf out !

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Bad move letting the house go in his name only. And yes he’s being a jerk. Especially if you’ve told him it bothers you and he keeps doing it.

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“Jokingly,” start charging him for HIS 1/2 of what you do as a SAHM…:woman_shrugging:t3:

Oh and also, before you do, make him go add your name to the deed/title.

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Next time, tell him im Going back to work & explain his jokes have meade u uncomfortable to the point u feel the need to secure your own income. Let him pay daycare or go half, id even offer that. But, do not take that crap! You have already communicated it bothers you & he clearly dont care. So 🤷

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Gaslighting. You are NOT overreacting. And it’s not words a loving spouse would say to their wife working hard to take care of the children, totally rude. 100% gaslight, he “jokingly” offends and puts you down/ disrespects you, and THEN attacks you for being upset by it!!! Major red flags. Have him add you to the title. I am so sorry you are going through this. If you don’t feel comfortable putting your child in daycare I would recommend getting a job when they start kindergarten and saving your OWN money, these are red flags that you need to watch out for.

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He’s not respecting your boundaries. That’s not ok

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By law any thing that is purchased after marriage is both urs and his no matter whos name it is in.

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This is sad, it’s definitely not ok. The appreciation goes both ways, my partner provides financially & I’m a SAHM. He comes home to food in the cupboards, clean clothes in his wardrobe, clean house, dogs taken care of, dinner on the table & most importantly a very bright happy 3 year old being taken care of by his mother. He gets to come home & not have to worry about anything but spending time with our son. This works for us & he’s never shown anything but appreciation, we’re a TEAM!

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There’s usually truth hidden behind every “joke.”

My bf tried pulling that shit once, just in a different manner. I said ok… I’ll get a job and you can take care of 3 children, 4 dogs and your house. Then I wrote him a very long list of what I do on a daily, and all up coming appointments for each kid. He said… “ I make too much money to do all this stuff. I can’t.”
Me: “Then shut the fuck up!” Note how I said early, he tried to pull that shit ONCE. Maybe you should try a different approach. Him ignoring your feelings is a big no no!

It’s ok after the divorce it will be yours

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My husband always says whats mine is mine and whats his is mine. Lol.

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Depending on the state that you live in, I believe your home, and contents, are considered community property. Never the less, explain to him, privately, and calmly, that his reference to “his house,” makes him look like an egotistical ass, to you, and others. If he is the only one laughing, when he makes these inane statements, it is not a joke. I’m sure that friends, and relatives, who have heard his claims of “sole ownwership” of your home, feel for you. Its always hard to watch an innocent spouse demeaned publically. Do not silently accept abuse of any form. It only gets worse when not confronted.

I would tell him to put you on the land title of your house firstly ASAP, then on insurance of house.
Top it off if you have any car , truck or van etc make sure named as insured or driver. Make sure your name on that too. Your name should be anything you own together and insured.

You can tell him a stay at home mom who looks after the children saves you money for child care etc. However requires hard work and no time for breaks when you want one.

Tell your partner if you were not there to look after the children he would have to pay for daycare out of pocket. If there was no daycare etc then someone would need to take the day off work with no sitters.

That extra money he thinks in his pocket saving from childcare expenses is your money is for you buy something nice for yourself like a pedicure and manicure or haircut once in awhile. :grinning: or lunch / evening drink with your friends :partying_face:
Cheers

Do you live in a community property state? PA is. If you’re married everything is yours as much as his even if your name isn’t on it. Talk to a lawyer.

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Tell him your job is taking care of the baby and house. Then send him an invoice every 2 weeks with a break down: chef, baby sitter, house keeper, laundry service ect.
If he cries about it, tell him it’s a joke :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Say jokingly that it doesn’t matter what is his coz you could take half in the divorce lol

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No , your dealing with a Narc who has all control over you now just, how he wants it .Get [email protected]

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Get a job…only take care of you and the baby…he’s being a douche bag you dont deserve it. And this is why I always worked. I would be dammed if anyone was going to try to act superior then I left

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Just ask “what made that funny? Jokes are supposed to be funny. What makes that funny to you?”

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Tell that hinder you will go back to work and he can pay child careTell him it bothers you say it was cute first few times but enough is enough . If he continues just say you will get 1/2of assets if you divorce. Repeat that a time or two and it might strike home

Give him a reality check, jokingly, saying sweetie you don’t understand everything in this house is mine including your paycheck, the marriage certificate has an invisible clause that states it! Lol, you need to have fast come back too girl :woman_shrugging:

This is gaslighting, emotional, financial, and psychological abuse and he needs a wake up call

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I don’t mean to be sarcastic ,but if he says it’s his house let him deal with up keep on it,

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Jokes on him… Marital property… Half is still yours… Unless you don’t want it to be (ex. You wanna leave HIM, the house is in his name… He’s stuck with it. Car in his name, you wanna leave— his problem now)

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There’s nothing joking about that, it’s mean and petty of him. If he feels you should be contributing financially to be equal then he needs to communicate like an adult and say so instead of this passive aggressive nonsense he’s currently doing. Put your foot down and don’t let him talk to you like that, especially if you staying home was mutually agreed upon.

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You should really get a job and not just depend on him.

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If you tell your partner that something they are doing or saying hurts your feelings or bothers you, they should listen to what you are feeling and respect that. He’s invalidating your feelings and that’s not okay. If he was really joking, he would have apologized for hurting your feelings when you brought it up, said that hurting your feelings wasn’t his intentions, and stopped doing the hurtful action. Instead, he’s making you feel bad for him hurting your feelings. It’s manipulative and it is gaslighting.

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Narcissistic behavior… I’m actually in the process of planning my surprise divorce because of shot like that!!! Nope! I’m worth more than that and so are YOU!!

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