I’m not sure about ur family part. But sound like ur daughter is responsible see if you can get her a card to ur bank account so y’all not just using the same card when she takes her brother out or get cash app and just send her how much money it might all be. And if they go over the limit then she can call u and u can cash app her some more which only takes a few to receive. Best of luck with family!
I don’t know how old your daughter is but when I was 15 I worked at my father’s business. I was allowed to keep all the money I earned but was expected to pay for things I wanted like records and going to movies. They didn’t control my money. When I turned 17 my parents made me start paying $80 towards rent. But the rest of my hard-earned money was all mine. Sounds like Your Family is concerned that you are controlling your daughter’s hard-earned money. They have a right to be concerned. It all sounds very weird. And the $ for God???
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Set boundaries, if they can’t follow the simple boundaries that you as the mom have set then I would simply tell them no when they ask to do things. No explanation just simply no. Every relationship should have boundaries family or not. But for rn I wouldn’t let them see the kids for a while with everything that was just said. If they show up unexpected just don’t answer the door. It’s going to be hard, but look at it like this. Do you want your kids around someone who is toxic just so they can have “family” or would you rather keep them away from the toxicity and show them how it feels to be loved. Family doesn’t have to be big for you to feel loved
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Let your husband ‘s family know that speaking ill of you to your children is a deal breaker. If they do it again you will not be visiting them any longer and they won’t be welcome in your home. Also ask for an apology for the last scenario you just described! She needs to apologize to you and your daughter.
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So what? Your daughter knows the truth. That’s all that counts.
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Friends can be family too. You are not obligated to spend time with people who treat you like garbage- find a better support system for yourself and your kids, and make them your family. And good for you teaching your daughter financial responsibility!
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I don’t know why yall are so upset about the money to God… It’s part of going to church and I guess y’all ain’t going.
Good grief. At that it wasn’t even what was asked to criticize her for how she is raising HER daughter
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband died 4 years ago, am I obligated to spend time with his family? - Mamas Uncut
I guess Im kinda confused by this story. You say his family but mention your family like your sister. Also. If your daughter has money to pay for things and you pay her back anyway, why do you give her your debit card? Then she misplaces/forgets it? So she misplaces your card but not her money? Also you seem a little too defensive and also getting after her for someone else paying for something seems odd. Why cant family pay for the kids? And if you do pay her back all the time, why would they think otherwise if they’re not being told/seeing otherwise? Also confused about a child paying 10% to God.
None of this makes sense. Sorry 
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I personally would stop hanging out with them. They will just get worse and more petty and hurt feelings. I also wouldn’t let my children be around them.
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I think it’s good what you’re doing. But my question is does you daughter or family know that you take money from her and put it in a savings for her for college? You’re supporting her either way. Honestly sit down with your daughter and explain that to her so yall are on the same page. And as long as you’re paying her back what you need to I wouldn’t worry about a darn thing that family says! Shouldn’t be about them…it should be about your kids and giving them the things they need. If you feel like stepping back from the family is good then do so. But also know if the kids are old enough don’t force them to not see family if that’s all they have left. I know there’s a fine line they don’t need to cross of course and if they do that’s where I’d draw the line. But just remember your relationship with your kids and understandings should come from yall not everyone else! No one else matters. And their father would see that their babies are getting taken care of while he watching over them. You’re doing a good job mama 
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Nothing to be gained by keeping company with troublemakers, family or not.
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Shitty people are just that, shitty people. I have cut my own family off for shit like that.
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Stay away to much drama. Your daughter is old enough to work then she can visit them by herself if she wants.
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Family or not, toxic is toxic.
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If you don’t want to No it’s your business I’d run from them my self
10% to god lol you lost me after that lol
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Fuck them. Make your own family
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Move far away from them
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband died 4 years ago, am I obligated to spend time with his family? - Mamas Uncut
It sounds like your kids are old enough to be told that anything their aunt says about you is a lie. Also if you’ve always put money back your daughter should be able to speak up and tell her that her mom always pays her back. If it gets worse then maybe cut ties. I don’t understand a sister being so mean. But I would have to distance myself.
I feel like if your kids have a relationship with them, then they should still visit your family. But you should also put your foot down and talk to your sister tell her she can’t be talking shit about you behind your back in front of other family members and your daughter, if she continues to talk shit then cut ties with her as hard as that may seem. I had to cut ties with my own grandmother, she being way too toxic to me and my family, I was 14 when I cut her out of my life. I understand it’s difficult to cut ties with your own family but you got to put yourself and your family first. All of that drama causes stress and you don’t need that in your life… sorry if I sound mean or rude. It just brings me back to when my grandma would say mean things about my mom in front of me and other family members.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband died 4 years ago, am I obligated to spend time with his family? - Mamas Uncut
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Don’t worry relationship run there course. If you like his family spend all the time you want with them. If not everyone grieves differently so do what feels right for you.
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Speak and communicate your boundaries. Remember everyone can still be grieving… not an excuse to cause unnecessary drama… but have communication… not through a third person .
I would comment but I don’t know what you were trying to say. Maybe you’re upset when you were writing this but it was poorly written so I had no clue of what was going on. Sorry. This happens to the best of us. Try proofreading. It helps.
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I would just try to be a good mum to my daughter, have conversations with her, etc. Honestly it is the mess with all family, but the focus is your happy daughter. Good luck. Calm down and kindness to everyone. However your work is important! Take care.
It would be very normal for you all the chip in and help each other if one just got paid or waiting for pay to go in… that’s what family is all about. And you lost your dear hubby and father of your kids and a whole nuther wage. I think your doing exceptionally well and you should be so proud of yourself. Anyone who has negative things to say have not walked in your shoes and lost their life partner. I would just cool it with your sister and maybe have a chat to your mum and see where she’s at. Start spending more time with good friends who are like family. Sounds like your sister may have grievances from when you were growing up and has a chip on her shoulder. Eventually it might be beneficial to get it out of her so you can both sort it out, and I mean for you to say your sorry for whatever has hurt your sister. We have to be humble and say sorry even if we didn’t mean anything in a bad way. If you have to be right, then it cannot happen. So a little bit of humility goes a long way to resolving past hurts. This is just my humble opinion anyway and wish you all the best in the future.
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Your kid shouldn’t have to pay you anything , I am putting my own money away monthly for my daughters college years . Only time I would make her pay me is if she quit school and was living with me still at an adult age.
Also giving money to “god” should be her choice not yours , one day it might push her away from you and your religion. If she wants to give payments to church then okay but right now it sounds like you are overly dictating how she spends her hard earned money and it’s obviously bugging her if she brings it up to her family and doesn’t keep it private
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you are not wrong. they are your children’s RELATIVES not family. FAMILY doesn’t have to be related to you, family are the ones who love you, support you when you need it, and celebrate your wins. Also to be fair, your daughter should have defended if you in that situation of she didn’t.
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You can’t change other people but you can teach your daughter how to deal with them as the world is full of people that don’t do things right. We can’t walk away from everything is not perfect or we would be all alone. Let her spend time with them but teach her to stand up for herself, to do what’s right and to have confidence. It’s a lesson she will carry her whole life.
Love your kids and keep to your rules You know what you are doing and so do they You need family but not to interfere in yours and your kids affairs Just be happy x
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Im confused. Post says fathers family but then says the issue is with HER sister and then at the end of the post it says the only family member left on dads side passed away a few months after the dad? So is it actually her family she’s having issues with? Because thats how its worded and sounds.
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Do you, don’t let anyone dictate what or why you do anything. Take care of you. I’m so sorry for your loss. I too have been in a similar situation.
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She is asking for advice about family members, not what her daughter does with her money. Mind your own business unless asked. You might try having an open mind about His, but that is up to you.
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The only thing I have a problem with is that she makes her pay tithes that is a personal choice I don’t think the daughter should have the mothers card period the daughter should pay for her extras out of her money she has left the family need to mind their business sounds like Mom is trying to teach her child responsibilities
What I dont understand is, if the mother is always giving her daughter her card to borrow and the daughter forgets to give it back. Then why didn’t the daughter just give the mum her card back at the family event? Why did the mum have to ask the daughter to pay for it? Why didn’t she just ask for her card back so she could pay for it herself. Doesn’t make sense to me. Surely that would be the first question “can I have my card back” or “do you have my card with you” not “can you pay for it”.
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At the end of the day they are your children. Regardless of what is said by your family or husbands family, if you have always ran your house and relationship the way you have said then your daughter knows the truth. It’ll make not a joy of difference what they say because she knows the truth. The only thing that will happen is they will eventually burn their own bridges with her.
If it were me in that situation (which I was) then I would give your children the option depending on the age. If they are still young then I would go back to how it was when your husband was here and do visits only when you are there. If they question it then the simple answer is because they can’t be trusted. If they truly want a healthy relationship with the children they will accept this. If they don’t then the alternative is they don’t see them.
Good luck
U lost me at 10% to god
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Personally speaking I believe you’ve created this situation your taking a portion of you daughters earnings every week in an envelope- does she know she’s getting it at college time? Or she just knows your taking it? I’d suggest taking her to a bank and open a savings account where her money can grow and your not controlling it. And why does she have to give 10% to God or I’m assuming the church? If you want her to give to charity first that should be her decision and she should get to decide which charity. Also having her pay? You’re the adult =you pay.
You’re not in any way showing your girl how to be independent or save. Your showing her how you control her life.
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Making the daughter pay because you believe in some fictional cartoon character is bullying, controlling and down right nasty behaviour.
I hope the daughter manages to find a college far away from you and improves her life.
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Do you and your offspring mama:heartpulse: keep encouraging your kids to sow financially how you’re leading them to do so. Your decisions for and with your kids are yours alone, no-one else’s is relevant! You birthed and carry them, your wisdom guides them. Don’t retreat and no longer give any family members say into and over your decisions for your babies, where they trash you within earshot of your kids that’s an absolute nah! If those members refuse to respect your boundaries disconnect and give your time and energy to who matters most…you, your kids and your futures. How you walk them through life is your business and anything else takes a back-seat. You’re amazing keep going:point_up:
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You do not owe anyone any explanation about things between you and your children. People can have opinions but at end of day you the parent. I would have took my children elsewhere before allowing someone even my sister make me feel like a failure as a parent.
well this is confusing. you said your deceased husbands family is the problem but you said your sister is the one who was saying you wouldn’t pay her back. so who are you upset with ??
either way sounds petty, you know you’d pay her, she knows you’d pay her 
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If there’s minor children you must consult a lawyer. Don’t know about other relatives but in my country, at least grandparents has relations rights. Once 18 they can decide. Talk to your daughter and ask for privacy about your personal finances and the manner things work in your house.
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Personally, I wouldn’t pay to God because that’s not my religious belief, but I have friends that do and it is all tax deductible if it is receipted correctly. (in Australia anyway) So it is a good practice in that regard.
Putting 10% savings away is good habit as well.
And being responsible for living expenses is good practice as well… Even if it is only $25 a week.
Well done to you with teaching financial responsibility.
However, with the family issue, there is a conversation that is needed first between you and your daughter as to why she didn’t feel the need to stand up for you and the issues that may arise from that need to be resolved.
Then you need to have an open face to face conversation with the other person to determine where that attitude has come from, address the issue and establish some boundaries if the outcome is positive.
If it is negative, then you need to walk away and save your sanity.
Im am sorry for your loss. All of you have lost a family member and are still grieving in your own ways.
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Everyone on here talking about the 10% to God and the confusion of dad’s side of the family or her sister… whilst I literally got annoyed at the additional “p” letter in certain words 
Rose Lay Shweyee Yoon Hnin
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First if you’re daughter is working you have no right to tell her what money she can spend and what % she has to give away. The only thing you do have the right to do is set rent if/ she lives with you otherwise it’s her money back off. As for the rest of them if your daughter is an adult you have no reason to have to spend time with them unless she just wants you there for moral support. But no if they are horrible to you and have been for many years you can totally ignore (literally, if they walk into a room don’t even acknowledge, if they try to speak to you turn around and walk away in the middle of their sentence),them from now on which completely infuriates. Its like how dare you not let me disrespect you anymore
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I would tell them you are the only parent they have left and if they continue trying to bash you and try to make you look bad they will not have the privilege if your children’s company. Ask them how they would feel if someone had continually bashed the only surviving parent they had when they were you children’s age. You children are half you and half their father and by them bashing you it reflects on them and can make them feel less than they are. If they can’t be adults and civil I wouldn’t be around them.
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Do what makes you feel happy and if you are happy your kids will feel it. Stress and mood waves is not what you need to get on with your life. No need to shut your in-laws out and that side of the the family. But maybe keep them at arms length and they won’t be able to get in to your buisness. You are a grown woman and the only person you answer to is yourself.
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Your not obligated to spend time with anybody… if you don’t like your in laws you don’t have to spend time with them. If your child is old enough to have their own contact with the family, then it’s up to them to spend time with them or not. If they are not old enough to have that contact by themselves without your involvement then it’s always good to keep the communication open. You should be having convos with your child (if they are old enough) that your family interactions are your own.(immediate family of you and your children) if your child has issues paying for things for you for you to be paid back later. Then she needs to address it with you. It has nothing to do with anyone else. if she has no problem with it and it’s just the in-laws that do. Then there. No reason to tell them…
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You have NO OBLIGATION TO ANYONE. If a person is toxic to me then I’m done with it. The only obligations you have is to your kids. If you don’t wish to see or speak to these people then don’t. If your kids are old enough then ask them what they want… to continue a relationship with them or not. If they do then so be it,but set boundaries with them. Give them an out, a word to text or say when they need to be pulled away.
If they don’t want to be apart of that situation then keep your kids safe and away.
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How old is your daughter? If she’s a minor and she lives with you then you have a right and an obligation to teach her values, morals, customs, and responsibility. I think your teaching her how to divvy up her money based on the values and religion you are raising her in is your business. If she is an adult and self sufficient and living on her own, then you have no right to decide what she does with her money. If she is an adult and she is living with you then you have the right to ask her for rent money and utilities to teach her personal fiscal responsibility and it would be decent of you to save that money for her when she moves out to strike out on her own, but you are not obligated to do so. If she doesn’t like those terms then she can move out and try it on her own because she’s an adult. But in this scenario you don’t have the right to divvy up the rest of the money for tithing or for saving. She’s an adult so let her be an adult… now as for the toxic relationship you have with you daughter and your in laws and your sister about paying people back—- it sounds like a pattern that people are pointing out and if it is—- own up to it and stop it. If it’s not and there is a misunderstanding about the credit card etc, then fix it. Stop asking your daughter to go out and buy you stuff when you need an errand to be run. Do it yourself. Problem solved, no credit card issues and no owing her money. Finally, your daughter needs to hear from you that you do not appreciate the disrespect directed at you, truthful or not. Then, you should talk to your in-laws and let them know you will not tolerate them disrespecting you with your kids and should they continue to do so, you will not allow your minor children to be exposed to their behaviors. But, if you you have behaved in a way that would perpetrate this perception— own up to it and don’t make this someone else’s fault. All the best to you and your family and I hope that after the loss of your husband you and your family can heal and find love in each other.
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Well, this is the thing. You are making yourself look bad. You’re the only one who knows your intentions and what you’re doing with the money. If she’s making her own money then she should know what you’re doing with the money she gives you. And she also shouldn’t be forced to donate 10% to God unless that’s what she wants to do. You’re controlling her life and “taking her money” and then you’re surprised when people from the outside looking in call you out. The chances are your daughter is the one who told them those things and made them come to that conclusion because they’re working on half the information. From the outside looking in you’re taking a portion of her paycheck for no reason, making her pay for things, and forcing her to donate her own hard earned money. You can cut ties all you want, but if your daughter is in agreement with them and is the one who started it then you’re not going to be fixing anything. You really need to learn to communicate and remember your daughter is an adult in the making who also needs to know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.
You aren’t obligated… rifts happen.
But If you have children, discuss the topic, reasons and come to a conclusion of what is right for you.
It is tough to make a decision because the other family half depending on how they feel with choices can take legal actions (example only: custody rights or visitation rights with the children.
You will know how to gage your situation, it just might be like treading dark water to keep a happy balance if you choose to withdraw from his family and have a tie like children depending on their ages and feelings on the subject.
Good luck!
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So some of these comments are rude, it was a little hard to understand, but the truth is the sister was putting her nose where it doesn’t belong.
I’m not religious so i don’t get the god thing but that’s not my family, it’s her religious preference.
My sister did the same saving for her daughter and it worked well by the time she moved out. You are NOT required to put your kids where someone is badmouthing you and you can say no, you cut them off or have a conversation about staying out of personal family matters. Your decision is yours to make.
Honestly not entirely sure what you’re actually saying and whether it’s his family or yours that you are talking about.
But you cannot and should not mandate she gives money to God. That is absolutely her choice and hers alone to make
It sounds like an issue with money. You shouldn’t dictate where her money goes period. I had people to do that to me and despised it. That may be the problem.
I like the idea of you taking the $25 but I hope she knows where it’s going and that she will get it back. I have a feeling that your daughter is the one telling the family this stuff. You don’t get to control her giving 10% to god though. That’s her decision not yours. The kids sound like they are old enough to make the decision if they want to be around the dads family or not.
What? It’s your sister but you want to know about your husbands family? What?
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Depends on the age of your children. Have an honest discussion about how they feel. Never lie to them. Never put down family but don’t make out to be better than they are. Your children will figure out the truth.
Remember also that extended family can be as important and biological family.
Good luck
Stop telling her what to do with her money, start being more responsible with yours (the whole explanation about the debit card issue was baffling), and accept that people will say negative things without you needing to make it a bigger ordeal. If she’s old enough to work, she’s old enough to form her own opinions. If the rest of the family is being shitty and inappropriate, she’s going to see that and will set her own boundaries as she gets older. If YOU decide to be shitty and inappropriate, the same can be said for you. But seriously, focus less on her money and more on yours. It’ll set a good example and give her the opportunity to learn how to manage her own money in a safe environment without an adult micro-managing her. There’s no reason for you to be asking your daughter to pay for things and you paying her back. You’re the adult. You’re only teaching her that you think her money, regardless of the fact that SHE earned it, belongs to you, which is just shitty and fuel for resentment.
I’m In a similar situation, my oh died from the dreaded C in 2017, so now I have the kids all to myself. I moved them out of the area, because I felt constant reminders would never allow them to heal. Rewind to that year, the OH family said they would always keep in touch and visit when they can ( I took this with a pinch of salt ) fast forward to this year, to the point they have never visited in 4 years and my daughter went down to see them a couple of weeks ago and it turned into a blistering row, aimed at her, mentioning me in a derogatory way. I have never stopped my kids from being in touch with the other side or bad mouthed them to the kids. The point I’m trying to get across, is if she feels it’s detrimental to her and her family then she should make the choice till they are old enough to make a choice., she has been through enough.
I think it would be way less drama for everyone if she just had 2 bank accounts. 1 for play & 1 she can’t access for savings. This eliminates the drama of you carrying her money around (it is to easily spent, lost, etc.). As far as the family drama… why was this conversation even had about you using her money? I highly doubt any parents (especially a single parent) is just handing out their debt card to a teenager. Also, I would never expect my daughter to handle my responsibilities if I was sick. She has a job & shouldn’t be forced to take off work because a parent is sick. She needs to be going to work. She’s a kid, it’s not on her to keep the household running. That’s asking a lot…
Cut ties and be done with it. If they say that in front of your kids imagine what they say when you’re not around. Toxic is toxic…
Move far away & never see them again. To much toxicity in your “family”. NOT WORTH IT
Can’t believe you make your child give 10% of her part time earnings to “God” what a crock of shit
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Cut yourself off you don’t need to be apart of it just your kids do… keep your private business to yourself and make it clear your kids do to
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Why are you making your kid pay 10% to god ?? It should be HER choice, not yours. I get savings. But if your daughter has your bank card, and have her use it why would you pay her back?? Story confusing. Tell the family to butt out.
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hard to understand since it’s so disjointed, but if you don’t want to, don’t
Let them have a relationship with your kids and you take a step back x
Leave. They womt be there for you when your kids leave home.
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You need to pray to God and ask for forgiveness for controlling your daughter and her money… trying to victimize yourself.
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Soooo, this seems a bit petty. Who cares what the in-laws think. Do as you’re doing and forget about it.
God out here taking a 10% cut.
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Have similar issues here chose to discontinue contact as they are toxic
it sounds like they’re toxic. you don’t have to be around them. you don’t even have to let your kids be around them.
Kids playing you off is a possibility.
- Your kid shouldn’t be having to pay to “god” or yourself
- No family is better than toxic family
Kids sound grown. If you don’t want to hang out with them then don’t. That’s your kids’ family just let them go over there. Who cares what they think 
Wait you make you child pay 10% to god?
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Toxic and need to be cut out from your guys life
This whole situation is toxic af
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Back it up for a while - go silent ! Stay away - SHOULDNT ve this aggravating ! Cut it down for your own sanity
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I cut them out of my life if they can’t understand you. You don’t need toxic people in your life
I cant actually believe how many people are openly encouraging this mother to cut ties with their deceased fathers family… wow
Sounds like you have a daughter that feels or is telling everyone you are not paying her back.
There are people that want attention she maybe one of them.
Straighten it out with the daughter and drop the sister in law
Those poor kids. Being put in the middle is just awful. Kids shouldnt be involved in adult issues. I’m also curious as to what 10% to god means?
In front of everybody confront this woman and make it a point to act just like she is and then see how she likes it it sounds like they have a problem with minding their own business and then tell her to mind hers i bet she has no kids either so she is just being a bitch teach your children that some things are family business and some things are your personal business i would not share with others how you manage your money nor how you teach your kids to manage theirs to much information means every asshole gets their chance to chime in with their opinion and in actuality an asshole which makes a noise is called a fart and nobody likes a fart . It is a shame when extended family has to talk or make noise and gives very little respect to you and your kids why some like to be farts is only a reflextion upon them but you need to stand your ground as sometimes you need to react just like they act and its ok to do once or twice if its needed more than that cut them out because they set a bad example for your children family or not Family can be the best influence as well as the worst influence for the children whom have very little choice in who their family is but those who dont stand up for themselves and show their children that you have their best interest at heart family or not your children will understand and learn what is the right way to handle things ckearly the assholes will stand out and there is always atleast one in every dynamic its hard to pinpoint just why they do it jealousy resentment bad day or just want to be or compelled to be a fart give what you get till you decide to allow or cut them out god will forgive you he did not create us to be sheep we must be the sheep dogs and we must protect and teach our flock so stoop then stand and see how they like it if they continue to disrespect then teach your children how to handle it because god will watch over them but he wants them to be able to stand in there power and you are the one whom has that job being a single parent is never easy your husband knows how they are and what you must do because he is not there to do it with in you he shall give you strength next to you he stands in gods grace you all are one there will be a time when the children have to stand alone and make their way with out you so prepare them so they can prepare theirs and be not afraid to offend and defend themselves as in this world satan seems to be around every corner and in every garden so give those you love the tools they will need for tomorrow is never promised and we must be wise to live each new day in gods glory and thus will enjoy an abundance of love with compassion all to understand ones strength and mend ones weakness for it was years past i am sorry for the loss you endured
Wonder if “God” can help u out with this conundrum?..
Or do you not pay him as much as your daughter?
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Toxic people stay away it just gets worth.
No family is better tham toxic family, imo.
You don’t need to settle for a toxic family because they’re available. You have an opportunity to choose the people in her bubble that will be the influencers in her life. Friends are the family we choose.
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I would still speak to your sister personally. Regardless of what your sister says, your daughter will know if it’s true or not. I speak to my children openly and honestly about some of the toxicity in our family for their own wisdom. I wouldnt pull them away from family completely, but send them knowing the habits some of them have. I’d tell my sister off for bad mouthing me to my kids though, not cool.
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Also, I can’t believe parents really have the nerve to charge their children anything
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Think your daughter needs to cut you out and go live with her dads side of the family. You sound toxic and controlling
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I aint feel like reading the rest, you toxic af
You don’t have to spend time with them for their grandchildren to have relationships with them. Being as they lost their son I wouldn’t want to keep his seed away from them. But , they should also have respect for the mother of those children and respect those children and their son enough to not say anything bad about their mother with them around
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Why make ur kid give 10 % to god
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Cut their asses off luje a dead tree stump…you don’t need that negativity in you or your kids life … Nicely explain to your kids your reasin for doing so and also let them know in the future when they are in old enough they can resume the relationships…but for now it’s not healthy for you. . Don’t let you family fuck up your peace…not wortg h it.