My husband does nothing when I am at work...advice?

My husband doesnt do anything when I am at work…he is currently staying home because his work shut down for a month…like today before I left the dishes needed done and I asked him to do them and he said he woudl have them done before I got home…did he? NO. So I ended up tackling them…I came home and he was on the couch past out with beer cans everywhere and empty chip bags on the ground…I feel like he doesnt appreciate anything that I do. I am also pregnant with our first…how can I make him understand this is unacceptable?


Is this new behavior? I know when my man isn’t working he gets quite depressed and doesn’t do much of anything which isn’t like him as normally he can’t sit still and is always doing something productive.


He probably want change his ways but I hope he does start helping you . Best wishes .

If this is new behavior (started since not working) it might be a slight depression and getting back to work will probably help. If it’s ongoing, yeah… :grimacing:


Sit him down and tell him he needs to take care of his responsibilities in the house because he is about to be a father. If drinking is every day and a problem tell him he needs to go get help before baby is born. If you are going to have to be responsible for everything on your own, especially with a baby on the way…Then it is time for him to go.

Lovely… no advice but goodluck with him :sweat_smile::heart:


Tell him his moms coming - while you’re at work :grimacing:

Sounds like he needs some down time… give him a break. I’m lucky my husband is a neat freak like me and cannot sit around but some days he does need some down time. Women do this to, we don’t just push a vacuum around all day and clean. We also need down time.

Honestly, men are big children at any age. I don’t know how long he has been off work at this point, but he probably feels like he’s on vacation and is acting like a teenager left at home alone for the first time. Just sit him down and have a frank and loving conversation with him. If you give attitude he is likely to feel attacked and probably not react well. He may have a vacation from work but not from adult responsibilities. A marriage is a partnership and he needs to pull his weight, especially now that you are pregnant and tired. If it happens again just leave the mess until he cleans it. If he continues to drink until he passes out, that may be a separate issue that needs to be addressed. Best of luck :heart:


You tell him it’s unacceptable! Communicate with him and let him know you won’t tolerate a bum. It’s pretty simple really. The drinking has got to stop as well. He has a baby on the way he better get off his butt(being nice)an pick up some pt work. He’s got responsibilities also.

What you tolerate will continue


If he doing that now he won’t change

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The most important thing in a relationship is healthy communication. I say sit down with him nicely and not fight and say exactly what you have said here on Facebook :slightly_smiling_face: congrats on your pregnancy


Only wash dishes for you, only cook for you he doesn’t contribute he will find something else

I would have turned around and walked back out and went out to eat by myself. Then go back home have a nice long relaxing shower and go to bed without even a word to him. Leave all household tasks alone. He is a big boy , he will figure it out. You need a partner, you shouldn’t have to ask him to pull his weight. Stomp this behaviour out immediately or you will be dealing with it until you are divorced


First of all you can’t make anyone do anything that their choice. Now that you are past this maybe you can think more clearly .if the man is use to working this downtime is new to him and he don’t know what to do talk to him and help him understand


Call his mom. Lol she still has work to do


Throw the whole man away and start over.

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Men are not supposed to clean at all unless they single on their own. I refuse to allow my husband to clean our house we both work but it’s not a man’s place to clean a house.


Christina Vinzant no worries? He’s day drinking, passed out. Wth?


If he says he’s going to do the dishes, leave them until he does.

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He’s depressed. He’s the only one who can decide to fix that. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you. He feels useless.

I would eat on my way to and from work, do my laundry and let everything else go and see how long that lasts!


I would have started smashing all those dishes :person_tipping_hand:

I would have puked them on his lap

Stop cleaning, tell him it’s his house also so if he wants it clean then clean it himself seems how it’s his mess. Don’t do anything for him until he starts helping, marriage is a fifty fifty relationship.


sounds like someone who’s falling into depression being out of work for a month. if it’s yalls first baby he’s also probably anxious about that. be nice and talk to one another? big whoop the dishes weren’t done one day. your S/Os mental health is important too. maybe he feels like you don’t appreciate anything about him?


You should tell him you expect more from him

Leave. He will get the picture and change his ways or you will save yourself years of frustration by ending it sooner rather than later

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Depression losing a job is hard. Ur routine is immediately off. Don’t listen to others saying to leave him. He didn’t get fired or quit. Eventually u will off to take off work too I assume. And u will feel the same way. Don’t start bugging him about undone things. Actually be there for him and explain a little and make it safe. Also understand when baby comes. U may not have things done when he comes home. Try to be understanding unless it becomes a think he makes a habit for more than a week. Even tell him go with his buddies and get his mind off it. Us as woman would do the same. If we happy we wanna see our girls. If we sad we wanna see our girls. If going through a tough situation we wanna see our girls. Depression is real and serious. So do not scold him for simply maybe being able to genuinely feel relaxed enough. And hidden Depression is a thing too. If he says he isn’t he may not even know. Be gentle. Woman and men are emotional creatures. Men can go through things as well.


I would hv done nothing, simply go take a bath, put on music n relax then leave him on couch and go to bed. 1. Your not his mom, maid or anything alIke. 2. Your working and pregnant. 3. Sounds like he needs to man up and help more especially while he is off work and your pregnant. No reason he can’t be helping. Stop picking up after him, don’t do his laundry. Just wash ur clothes, do ur dishes and hopefully he will get the picture. Obviously talking to him bout it or asking isn’t doing anything. So stop doing anything for him.

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He need to find a huddle while he is waiting to go back to work. Not just sit around and drink

It’s not acceptable but depression is a real thing


Nope thats a no go for me. I have little patience for people anymore lol


Do you have a honey do list? Like a cabinet that’s broke. Where he can get his tool belt out and be manly. Men go through things he sounds depressed when they aren’t Providing for the family…dishes aren’t for men just saying…do you have a honey do list.


If he’s just laying around drinking, tell him to go out and get part time job. See if Wal Mart needs greeter. He knows he’s going back to work so what’s his problem. Leave a to do list. If not done ,I wouldn’t do it either unless there’s help. He can start meals,if not don’t rush in anything eat in front of him.

You need to handle this in a good way by talking to him in wise way because communicating will be the best instead of quarreling every time and keeping himself busy will not make him go worst depressed…invite someone relative from his side that will help him and cheer him or call your mother in-law if she’s around let him talk out his situation

Does he normally drink a lot during the day? That is a red flag to me x

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Spray him with the garden hose.

Stop cleaning behind him. Stop asking him to do chores. Hopefully if it gets dirty enough he’ll realize that you aren’t going to clean up. Stop parenting him.


He sounds like a real winner . Don’t do them next time . When he has no clean dishes - he will finally do them


Sounds like he had a good day at home. Homes will always need to be cleaned, you’ll be cleaning til the day you die. If it’s everyday, it’s a problem, if not, no worries.


Stop cleaning up his mess
He’s not a child

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These comments really make me sad. Marriages just shouldn’t be thrown away when there is a new difficulty. People shouldn’t get married if they’re so ready to quit. Each partner needs to always consider the other mentally and physically. He’s going through it and everyone wants to just dismiss and throw him out like trash. Imagine if the rolls were reversed. She would get praise and he would be told he’s a piece of shit for not acknowledging she’s struggling. Honest and open calm communication is needed. A safe comfortable space is needed and a talk without judgement.

What you accept and tolerate will keep continue to happen, today is the dishes tomorrow will be he not helping you at all with the baby and things will get worse and worse.

You need to address this situation immediately, also you should suggest him to get some “help “ he might be depressed
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Stop cleaning for him. Let the mess sit.

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Those dishes would have been there for him when he woke up from his drunken nap

Its rough but if you ask him to do it or make a list do not do it. When it gets to your limit- then show him the list tell him it does not work for you to have him not help- move him out to the couch.

This will never change & with a baby on the way too, don’t expect any help with this either :disappointed:

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I’m going to assume that this isn’t the single issue that made you run to the internet for guidance… having said that, if there has been a growing pile of issues and this was the straw that broke the camels back then you need to seriously consider if you want to be raising two children.


Sounds like depression. In a month he will be back to work. Give him a break - just don’t nag him and make it worse.


Sounds like to me he might be depressed. Just be there and talk to him and if need be get him to the dr. Especially if there’s a kid in the way too, most men are programmed to be the caretaker and since he lost his job he can’t even do that now.

There’s not enough info with this… did this behavior just start since he’s been off work or has he always been lazy and unhelpful around the house? If it’s new then he is probably depressed and feeling some type of way about not working and providing. If this is not new and he’s always been lazy and not helpful around the house then why are you just now worried about it?

Go see your mama! Stern enough? Go find another job!

If a woman posted that scenario, everyone would be giving grace for obvious depression. A man gets told he is a deadbeat and needs to “man up.” Should he be helping? Yes. Especially with her being pregnant. But men are not immune to mental health problems.
Try some compassion and trying to help him through this. Get him to talk about his feelings and what is going on with him. Drinking isn’t going to help anything. It will actually make things worse. He needs healthy outlets for what he is feeling.
And yes, he needs to help around the house but much bigger issues are going on here.


I would write him a to do list and if not done don’t do it for him when you get home tell him that you have been working all day and the house is a mess.

Stop feeding him . Do not bring home food or alcohol. Do not let him have acsess to any money but his own. Get a separate bank account. The longer yoi let it go one the harder it will be to correct. Actions speak louder than words. Get dinner out before you come home. I 've had to deal with this with several partners. No excuse for tbat kind of bullshit. put your foot down. He will either shape up or ship out. If he leaves it just ooens the way for a partner deaerving of you.

He won’t understand. You have someone who seems to only care about himself. Roll him and the couch out the door. If it’s a nice couch, bring it back in after he leaves.


Gtfo this will not get better


Sounds like he’s depressed right now cause of his job shutting down for a month.

Honestly, it sounds like he needs a ‘task’ to do that makes him feel useful - aside from house work. As others stated, he might be depressed or having a mental health moment due to work.

My guy was just off for three weeks because his job had to replace their floors. He helped with the kids and did clean, but for the most part I could tell he was VERY down. He also wasn’t being paid for that time, so I’m sure he was also stressed and feeling like he wasn’t pulling his weight. So, while he helped, he also didn’t do anything else outside of the house - which I expected him to b/c he was excited to go out/try things,etc. but in reality it was like when old people have a hard time being retired and they struggle to do small tasks now that there’s no ‘meaning’?

Of course, this is just what happened with my guy, so idk if your guy is feeling the same. I pretty much asked for his help doing some outside tasks that I just ‘couldn’t’ do at the time and he set off like he had a purpose. I also hugged him a ton. When he returned to work he was in better spirits and back in his routine. I’m the same way. When I’m off school/teaching, sometimes I feel like i can’t do anything - but i dont have a choice with mom stuff - and so things fall by the way side a bit.


So his penalty for not doing them, was YOU doing them. Not a tough lesson to learn. Also…if he has to be told to help carry bricks…he ain’t the one to build with.


Sounds like a man child your not his mommy maybe you should take him back home :blush:

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I think he is going through something mentally , that’s exactly what this sounds like . May be struggling with depression about his job shutting down …

I would sit down with your husband and say Hey I’m working, I’m pregnant you’re not working right now so you need to help out around the house and please do what I ask of you & complete tasks before I return home from work (plain & simple) & also let your husband know that his behavior with the drinking,ect. is Unacceptable & u want to feel appreciated by him most of all due to all that your doing for your family. good luck & Congratulation’s.:heart:


Hunny sound like he needs to be sent back to his mother

You can’t. He probably won’t either. You need to let him know that you need a partner not another child so he needs to man up and help around the house. It’s his house too. I would suggest counseling and get this addressed before you are ready to divorce him because you let so much stuff slide before you finally snapped. He also needs to know he can’t drinking so much he passes out when he has kids to take care of- I would suggest couples counseling.

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Talk to him now!!! I would not cook for him or do his laundry

Get home and the house is a mess? Tell him company is coming over. See what happens.

Men still wrap their identities tightly around work. He’s clearly depressed; the beer cans are worrisome. He needs professional help. Ask if he’d be willing to see a therapist. I recommend a male therapist, because he needs someone who he knows understands how much men’s identities revolve around work.

Have you noticed any signs of alcohol abuse before? Does he drink alone often? Does he drink a lot when he does drink? If so, attend an Al-Anon meeting nearby or virtually. Al-Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics and other addicts. You’ll learn how to support him without enabling him. Meetings are free and last 1 hour.

Put his LAZY ASS OUT. No room for LAZY folks in a Marriage. It is both party’s Job to take care of the family in every manner.

Throw him out with his beer cans and chips bags​:put_litter_in_its_place::woman_shrugging:t2::wave:

Tell him to hire someone to clean, if he’s sad or depressed he can talk to you, the mess still will be there and next time bring up hiring someone to clean, your pregnant and need all the help u can get even if it’s not from him. As a grown man he should be keeping his word at least or not agree. With a child coming you need someone reliable and responsible around and he’s not showing that.


They make movies about these kind of deadbeats. Either get him in therapy or drop the dead weight. You’re doing it all by yourself anyway. This way youd have less work to do.

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Depression,but also you need to stop doing things. I

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Is this normal behaviour or has it only started since he lost his job?

Wake his ass up and make him get the dishes done like he said

Consult a divorce Attorney and let him know about it. Tell him you aren’t his mommy and don’t want to be married to a child when about to give birth to one.
He’ll either get the message and grow up or not.
If not, proceed with the attorney.

What A bummer you’re having a kid with him :woman_facepalming:t2:

Pack his bags and tell him to go back to his mother and you will be looking for a replacement instead of him.

Maybe he is mentally going through something. No an excuse but maybe he is depressed.

Depression in men is a real thing

Does he help with house chores when he’s working? If not why your suppose to work and take care of the house if he was helping while he was working this should not be an issue your suppose to be in this together tell him yo get off his dead ass and help you if he don’t then tell him to hit the road your doing it all anyway stop coddling him

You go to work and come home and do nothing. Oh and stop and eat dinner before you go home. Tell him that you are not hunger and he can fix himself something. Some men act like little baby boys and need you to care for them

Come home and go in your room and shut the door! Don’t do a damn thing ! No cooking , laundry, shopping, ext … and when it gets real bad pack a bag and go to your parents or a friends house until it changes

He’s probably just a lazy man. Some men like to act like their only job is to go to work. Good luck on getting that to change.

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He sounds depressed and probably feels demasculation from not being able to provide. That will break a man down, Understand from the male perspective. I’m not condoning the mess I’m asking you to look deeper, communication to be soft and stern but not condescending. Everyone goes through struggles sounds like he needs you to be the stronger half, and a pregnancy on the way too, imagine the thoughts of failure he’s probably thinking bc of no job. Encourage and lift up. Don’t throw it away bc random angry internet women told you to. Sit with it, write it out if you need to. Always talk to your partner and try to see where his mental state is at this moment. I doubt most men want to be that way, they want to provide and protect not be home and sad. Forgive and fix, this is a bump in the road of a long journey that you’re on together. I hope it works out for you.


I bet if you talk to him you find out he is depressed over being out of work he feels not man an up but bitch at him is not going to help

Get yourself a portable dishwasher then you won’t have to do so many dishes by hand, if you have any dishes that you don’t want to put in the dishwasher then wash them by hand.

Leave. Now. Before the baby comes and things get worse, because they will. I get not being able to work is stressful, but having a new baby is too. Running to alcohol to cope is a major red flag. So many women in these comments excusing it for depression. He’s a grown man capable of making his own decisions. He’s choosing not to contribute to his household while you’re doing all the work and growing his child. You don’t have to be around for him to get the help he needs to but he needs to make that decision on his own. We need to stop this narrative that we have to try to change the people in our lives. If they want to, they will. Sometimes all they need is a wake up call that you will not tolerate it. Sometimes they don’t. It’s up to you what you are willing to put up with.


Lame, I deal with this all the time and it is year 27…do u really want to keep this going that long? I tried to get out. He begged on his knees that he’d do better. We had some counseling and 2 daughters later , lame behavior continues. He makes more money than me (he’s his own boss/sits on ass) so that is why I think he thinks he can do whatever the fuck he wants. He’s in golf tournaments all the time. I work my ass off as a teacher, mother, housewife and I still come home to shit not done. His daughters know how to manipulate me too; he taught them well. It’s kind of a living nightmare.

Girl stop cleaning up after I’m just cleaning up after yourself I get it when I had my now 7 year old who is autistic my husband work only 4 hours 3 days a week I work 9:00 to 5 5 days a week and when I came home to get him and take him to work for his few hours and then get him in the middle of the night with a one and a half year old the house would be destroyed I straight up told them you need to clean you need to do something I stopped cleaning up after I cleaned up after me and my son only but my situation was kind of tough because I was also living with my in-laws or they were living with me to be honest I paid the bills and everyone would just destroy the house and when I took my husband to work they expected me to come home and clean it got to a point honey I’m not going to lie I one day saved up all the money I could after a few months packed mine and my kids stuff up looked at my husband said you either come with me and change your shit grow up or I’m going to leave out of state without you and do it on my own I was tired of working all day in a car because I was delivery driver with no AC and 110° heat in Oklahoma and then coming home to everything destroyed and then me having to take him to work and then come home and clean everything by myself and then go get him from work at like midnight to 1:00 get the child to bed just to wake up at 7:00 a.m. so I can take care of our kid and get myself dressed and fully awake before I had to go into my shift girl in my opinion you need to straight up be like you need to help more he’s not working right now so there is no excuse there is no baby to look after he can take care of himself he is a grown man

I’m on the opposite side here as my husband works his ass off for me and our daughters and iam the one home all day now other than dr appointments and running the girls to and from sporting events and school and all of the daily things because I’m no longer working due to debilitating health issues I can’t bring in my own income anymore and it is very depressing I go days without touching the house cooking nothing not even his work uniforms this man yall doesn’t say a word to me he says it’s ok babe I got this he will do his laundry the girls laundry wash dishes anything bathe the dogs and never once does he complain or abuse me of being lazy whathe does do is ask have you been taking all your medications do we need to call the Dr do I need to get you anything after 19 years of marriage in Oct and 21 years together we have learned that marriage isn’t always 50 50 someday it is 90 10 I feel so less than now I can’t apply for disability because simply put I wouldn’t receive anything due to my husband making to much money so I can understand what he may be feeling right now I would give him time and talk to him not athim ask him what you both can do to make this situation work for you also remind him that he can talk to you and you will work through this and no alcohol isn’t going to help if he is truly depressed then all he is doing is self medicating

He’s a grown adult, and force that he needs to do it just like you would with your child. Leave it for him to do and if he has no dishes to eat his dinner on he’ll know why. 


He’s been trained to know you will do them.


He won’t change! He might try , but he will revert back to being a slob! Accept him the way he is or move on!! He Should be out looking for another job, especially since you are expecting his baby!! These are RED FLAGS :triangular_flag_on_post:, please know your worth and the life you want to have for yourself and your baby!! :pray:

Don’t do what I did… get upset, start slamming things around, tell him if he’s not gonna help he can go… doesn’t work. He just left and never came back. I’m pregnant too.

Post like this get me. Men experience things just as we do. If you was going through a situation you would want him to support you through depression. He’s having a moment just as we have a moment. Communication and Support is equal. Help him just as you want him to help you going through something. Men go through things just as we do.

Obviously, first of all, by NOT doing what he didn’t do when he was supposed to. Good practice for your child as well. When they have something to do and they don’t do it - don’t go behind them and do it for them.
Since he’s an adult, talk to him and make it clear your expectations and that you won’t be picking up his slack. How much housework was he doing before he was out of work? Because there shouldn’t be too much of a difference in expectations from then and now.

You don’t. I don’t really think it’s malicious, however, if there is some thing going on with him, mentally, he needs to get that addressed ASAP, if there are no other kids at home with him, then there is zero excuses.