When considering family, should your mother-in-law and mother both be family? So my husband and I are having a debate as to if my mother is family or not. He says she is not part of his family, just like his mother is not part of mine. We are married and have kids to remind you. He does not like my mother for some reason when she has always been very respectful and nice towards him, but his mother always judges my parenting or always has to put her two cents in. Granted, I always call my mom for advice, so she always gives me her opinions. It’s so annoying that he always sticks up for his mother and never me, even said if I can’t get along with her, then we should get a divorce. Why can’t my husband see that we are married, so my mom and his mother are family, or am I in the wrong? They share grandkids
That’s odd. She is family
Sounds like a spoilt brat tbh id get rid
Hubby needs to grow up!!!
In our house we consider them ‘family’ but not our family. That was the family you were born into, you bore your own children and created your own family
He sounds like a real jerk.
Cause he is a selfish ahole sounds like u need to leave my family and my husband’s faimly is all one family
Do u see his mother as your mother? It seems neither of you get along with each others mother which is actually not abnormal. It’s hard to mesh two families together. I dont see my husband family the same as I see mine but I do of course view them as family. Like an added family. I think its normal to see it that way but that’s just my thoughts
The family I married into is just as important as the family I created and was born into. Your husband sounds childish and needs to grow up asap
He is a real ASS!!! If he don’t understand you all became family once you alI said I DO! Sweetheart run for the hills.
Sorry to tell him you are all family
Uhm, kinda sounds like y’all need a divorce anyways
I don’t consider myself party of my daughter’s and her husband’s family. I don’t involve myself in their private affairs. My daughter and I are very close and we talk daily, several times a day. I my granddaughter! My son in law is an awesome father and husband. I do give opinions if she asks but I’m not a part of their family. I guess it just depends on how you look at it.
My partners mum is just as much part of our family as my mum. Your husband sounds like a dick.
Uh he married you ! so now she’s his family too whether he likes it or not
Yes that’s his family too! I’m engaged and consider my fiancé’s mom my mother in law! We are all family, doesn’t matter what the dna says.
Take him up on that divorce.
This is an actual argument? Smh
Yall are all a family. He sounds like a mama’s boy who is used to having his way and apparently his mom enables him to think so.
I would say divorce now.
I consider my ex husband’s baby momma’s parents family I don’t think I can help you here but I’d say yeah she family
You are family . And if they don’t see you as family and he threatened divorce there is a bigger problem.
So if you dont like his mother you should get a divorce but he doesnt have to like your mother seems like your husband is very childish. I would 100% be offended if the partner told me his family (mother) wasnt my family
Of course they’re family. He doesn’t have to like your mother but he needs to respect your relationship with her.
When you get married you become one family . I just had to pull up these signs that people have now
My in laws are absolutely my family as my parents are my husbands family we all do dinners together or holidays. I couldn’t see being with someone that we didn’t “like” each other’s parents our kids call (even our children from previous relationships) his parents Grammy and papa and mine gramma and grampa
I don’t consider my father in law my family. It is nothing personal, we are just not close. I wouldn’t be hateful about it to my spouse but he still isn’t part of my family.
I loved my mother-in-law
Neither of your moms are part of your family, its you, husband and kids. Your moms are extended family.
If this is all you have to fight about …stop it!!!/
My mom and mother in law and father in law are very much part of the family. My mom has always treated my husband as a son and same for my in laws. They have always treated me as their own daughter.
Your mum and his mum aren’t family, your mum is his family and his is yours.
When you get married you inherit your spouses family. Period.
Your husband sounds childish and like a spoiled mamas boy… He needs to accept your mother the way you accept his or you shouldn’t have to deal with his mom…
Of course you’re all family. You, he and your children should be your first priority/obligation, but otherwise, you’re all one big family…cousins, brothers, aunts and uncles.
Is this the first time this has ever been discussed? Has he always felt this way or did something happen to make him feel this way?
If my BOYFRIEND said my mom wasn’t family, I wouldn’t be continuing a family with him anymore. He calls my mom “mom” and my dad “dad” his parents refer to me as another daughter. Fuck that crap you have going on over there.
I was once married to a mummys boy and he got kicked to the kerb!
Once i’m married, i expect my husband to treat my family as his own & for my family to treat him as family. When we got engaged both sides of our families were saying ‘welcome to the family’! My fiancé says ‘hey mama’ when he greets my mom, not because i asked him to… its just to make her feel welcomed. His mother says i’m now one of her daughters… Unless there is real issues i dont see why anyone would look at it any other way. Being welcoming of your mother should be a priority to your husband because thats your mom, and he loves you. & vise versa. People make it much more difficult than it has to be with inlaws. Respecting your side of the family should be important to him.
They’re in laws. Not immediate family. But still family non the leas
Pick your battles.
Honestly, I would feel a little sorry for him that he doesn’t realize your family has become his family.
People have different definitions of family. You can’t force someone to change their definition. You never know, there might come a time in the future when he sees that they are family.
Honestly, I don’t think I would ever tell my mate that I didn’t like his mother. That’s his mother.
I don’t think he should have told you he didn’t like your mother.
Somethings you should keep to yourself. You don’t choose your mother.
That’s a tough one because I would think when you are in love with someone you would love their family unconditionally and. Because I just guess that’s the way I always thought things like that we’re supposed to go but I don’t know that’s where what they call where Angels fear to try it again and and there’s a lot of places like that have a great day and remember just to love everyone because they’re your family
He has lost a great support group in case of injury death etc. there are no forever
Your family is you and your husband and your kids. Everyone else is extended family. He does not have to consider your family his family if he does not want to. I have never and will never consider my husband’s family my family.
You guys… what are you doing? Let me remind you that you have children and you’re here arguing about titles…?
If you want argue about the fact that his mother is a b**** to you, then go ahead on that one. Don’t waste everyone’s time arguing over titles.
If the arguments are consistent and you are measurable then you need to consider if this is the example you want your kids to see for a marriage
You didn’t know this before you got married?
Id be most bothered by the fact that he chooses his mother over his wife/mother of his children
Oh dang. My mother in law tells me to call her Ma and they sign my cards “ma and pa”, my husband calls my sisters his sisters and all that too… we are all a big, conjoined family now. My husband and I and our son is our immediate family but both of our parents are just as much part of our family too… I just find that weird personally but to each their own
They arent your immediate family but yes in the big picture, you are all family
Your mother and his mother were your family before you even met each other and got married so that means they are still your family, may not be the main family anymore but they’re blood family, you cannot deny that. If your mother is being nice to him & he still isn’t accepting her but then he is expecting you to accept his mother, you are married to a selfish momma’s boy.
They are absolutely considered family. No if ands or buts about it. Your husband may not be your husband forever but your mother will always be your mother and both your children’s grandmother. That’ll never change on both sides. Therefore they both are family. You don’t have to like each other (speaking of in laws) but there’s no reason for your husband to treat his mother as #1. You are married you should come first. But both mothers are important family. But hes treading on thin ice if you ask me.
He’s got to
Go don’t need him
Get that divorce. There’s probably bigger problems brewing in your marriage besides this issue sadly. I would file for divorce first then custody of children n go from there.
I’d leave then tell him to go to his momma for a place to stay
My husband says his mom is my mom now. Y’all are family all together. That’s not right. My mom is his mom etc. my dad is his dad too because his real father has nothing to do with him or us. We only have one son but he blended 2 families
I call my mil by her first name, not mom. She’s not my family.
In a western society it is usually just the immediate family wife husband kids, more cultural families include the grandparents aunties uncles and cousins
If he wants a divorce over THAT, I would leave. You need a man not a mamas boy. The family you come from is important but the family you make is more important. a man that doesn’t know that isn’t worth your time or love.
Send him back to his mommy
Until he decides to grow up and be a man!!! That sticks up for his wife and sees to it that NO ONE
DISRESPECTS C HIS WIFE
I agree with your husband. His mom is his family and mine is my family. I married into his family but at the end of the day, that’s HIS family. They will always have his back and will throw you to the wolves the second something goes wrong. My husband and I recently had this talk. There’s nothing wrong with you not liking his mom. Some mothers are straight up toxic. And you have the right to draw boundaries. If my husband said that to me after knowing the reasons why lines were drawn, I’d tell him we are divorcing.
Sounds like his momma is toxic and so is he. He got his ways from somewhere and I can guarantee it was his raisin’.
I consider 6th cousins family along with my sisters husband’s family. To me if they are good people, provide a good influence to my children and are loving friends then yes they are family. Family is not about blood; it’s so much more.
My natural family is enormous then when you add the step and adopted (which we don’t use - because family is family so no one goes by step). It’s incredible having a great big family and children only flourish with all that love and support.
This will never work. Your immediate family (if they are good to you and you children, not toxic or drama) should come first. Especially a good mom. Just imagine if this was your own child’s dilemma how heartbroken you would be. You only get 1 mama and then they’re gone. I miss mine everyday and I still need her daily.
Just a selfish and boyish guy ,
Your married to an IDIOT
I really feel sorry for this poster! My knowledge of my self worth is such that he would have only said we should get a divorce once before being served with papers!
I’ve always thought once your married your family is his family and his family is your family my late husband called my mother. Mama and I did the same I called his mother. Mama and his dad papa my dad died when Iwas 5 years old my husband is gone but I still call his sisters my sisters and his brothers my brothers both our parents are gone
I guess it all depends on how your raised. Maybe your husband isn’t as family oriented as you thought he was… definitely a deal breaker for me.
I wonder why he thinks that. It’s odd…and according to this thread, I’m not alone in that thought.
You may not be able to change his mind so you have a few options:
You & his mother have a true sit down, knock out, lay it all out conversation. (I’d record it to be safe. Just check your states laws on that. Google is helpful for that answer) You two discuss whatever it is she’s upset abt & you get out how you feel.
Then, you’ll have to find common ground, agree to therapy if needed or decide if you can live like that.
Take a minute to see it from her side…
Does she have a husband, hobbies, friends? If she was a single mom, she may be feeling abandoned or lonely and she views you as competition for her son’s affection. While not true, she has to grow up & find her own life.
Watching your son have another woman as #1 can be hurtful. Many moms don’t prepare for that. They take it personal. It’s not. Your son will always love you but once he’s married, we have to let him sink or swim, so to speak.
That said, if she isn’t willing & he isn’t either, I think you know the answer.
Good luck sweetie. One day at a time.
He is definitely in the wrong. Even if you and MIL don’t get along, y’all are family. And same for him, even if he doesn’t like your mom, she’s family to him as well. And if he’s willing to threaten divorce over something like you and MIL not getting along, even though he doesn’t like your mom, that is toxic af and I would seriously suggest taking a long, hard look at any kind of marriage that is headed in that direction.
If you don’t get along then no point pretending and calling each other family I dont consider his family as my family we are not blood related I only consider my blood relatives my family but the children are blood related to both sides
If you can’t get along with his mum he wants a divorce but he doesn’t have to get along with your mother? Bit hypocritical. These women are the people that bought you both into the world and you both need to respect one another’s parents and you both need to tell your parents to respect your choice of a partner. Remind him one day your children will be married and would he like their partners treating him the way you both treat eachothers parents? Both of you need to grow up, and should have thought about this before getting married and having children. If you respect your mothers opinions on how you both parent then you need to respect his mothers, if you can’t then you both need to keep your mother’s out of it and tell them both to mind their own. They are family no matter what he says and both as close to the children as eachother. If you can’t sort this out get the divorce before you screw up the children any more.
Ummm, I’m stuck on get a divorce. at this point does it even matter who’s family?!
Mommas just plain nasty,son is still on his mommas breast.Id leave asap
I hate to say this, but if your husband doesn’t have your back, RUN, RUN FAST!!! It took me years to get my spouse to back me, I hated it. Every time he left the room, something nasty was said to me. One day, I had it!! I had him say he was going to the restroom & he just turned the corner & waited a couple of minutes. The insults started to fly! Was he upset! He finally gave it to them with both barrels! Even when I’m alone, to this day, they know he has my back, so it doesn’t happen anymore!!!
You’re correct. He needs to have his eyes opened and see that he is using double standards when it comes to both your mothers. Parents are family, even after you’re grown.
If he’s already given you the unlimatium of get along or divorce then your marriage is already over. He literally told you he wants a divorce if you can’t get along with his mum. Yet he refuses to do the same for yours. Leave the guy and find someone who treats you better and doesn’t use divorce as a method of control
I smell a divorce coming
It’s all FAMILY and he is a selfish ass
You’re not wrong! If he’s threatening divorce then he more than likely wants out! I wouldn’t stand for my husband to treat my mom with anything other than respect. And I treat his mom with the upmost respect.
It depends on the family dynamics. My parents dont consider each other relatives as family so much. They literally do everything separately. Like family parties we would always go to my mom’s side without my dad and hardly ever went to my dad’s side. I only really consider my mom’s side of the family as family. Where as me and my bf consider both our families as our family.
Wow. He is not making you the priority. Without having read the other responses, I would temporarily separate and go from there. Counseling is a good option also. But the idea that if you can’t get along with his mother then you should split is horrendous and needs worked out ASAP.
Nope. Don’t do this whole this is my family and that’s your family thing. I’ll happily go round and see my in-laws and spend hours talking to them because they are part of my family too. I accepted them as family when we got together and he mine. Yes I do still refer in conversations to your mum and dad or my mum and dad because that’s who they are but I still love and respect them the same.
You are all family.
Geez he’d have a hell of a time in our family. We’re a blended family, an extended family and everything I’m between. Our kids have four parents and 7 grandparents, they also have a great grandmother on their dad’s side. We are just family, no halves, no steps, just one big family full of love. At first I found things hard (I had to accept a step parent first, not the other way arohnd), but it’s not about any of us except the kids. Seeing them 5 years later happy and loved between all these homes and with all this family, I know I did the right thing, and now, we couldn’t imagine it any other way. Family is family, it isn’t definined by blood, it’s defined by love.
Your respective mother’s are family. Your husband is wrong.
I read the question out loud to my husband, he said without hesitation, “he’s an a******.”
We don’t have “your” family and “my” family. It’s our family. Our nieces and nephews. We do say “my” sibling or parent but we are together, not even married, but we have always considered each other’s families as ours
I was was in a relationship for almost 5 years with someone who wanted nothing to do with my family and I missed out on so much with my mom. I am so thankful for the day I choose to walk away from him because my mom ended up passing away 3 short years later. Granted we were not married nor had any children together so I understand that is a whole different situation. I just want to say that yes you are married so him and your children are your “family” but so are your parents and other family members as long as they are not toxic to you or your immediate family. But I do not support when a spouse tries to keep the other spouse away from friends and family. That is a huge red flag and it is not okay. Also if he places his mother above you and your marriage that is not okay either. It sounds like there needs to be some major communication about each of your priorities. If you support his relationship with his mother then he should definitely support (or at least not hinder) one with your mother. Best of luck to the both of you.
They don’t have to be besties,but my husband’s family is my family and vice versa. My parents get along and talk wonderfully during our family things bbqs,parties, etc. I call his family aunt by marriage or aunt on my husband’s side. And my extended family do the same,my cousins know his cousins and so on. He may have been raised differently, but he is overreacting on his response
I don’t think of my husband’s mom as family or his siblings and do not go to family events with them. His mom was extremely rude one time when I went out of my way to help her and that was it for me. Its been 8 years and I’ll say hello if I see her but thats as far as it goes. He can go and I don’t mind. He respects my feelings and I respect his. He doesn’t see my family as family either and thats okay too. Its us and the kids…
I consider my husbands parents and brother my family and my husband considers my parents and siblings family.
They aren’t immediate family anymore. That’s just him, our kids, and I.
Every family dynamic is different. I’m really close to my mother in law, she’s my Ma and I’m also close with my sister in law. They aren’t my “in laws” they are my family, period. But I don’t expect that to be the same for everyone.
He is always going to choose his mother over you. He isn’t accepting your mother as family, because you are not his family. You are someone he married. You are the mother of his children and together you are family, you are not “his” family. He will never see anything wrong in his mother. That’s where the "get along or divorce " statement comes in. I think he is actually wanting a divorce, but he’s looking for a way to blame it on you. I would file for divorce. It only gets worse from here. There is no better.
Definitely family. My mother in law is one of my son’s fav people and i talk to her all the time
I know a girl who went through this. They have a daughter. He had an overbearing mother who disrespected her was unkind to her and be would stick up for his mom. They are now not together. A toxic mother in law will ruin a marriage. Sadly.
When my fiancé’s dad called me his daughter I cried I was so happy, to each their own but I personally consider it family. As long as he is able to respect her, he can have his own thoughts, but I think divorce is a little bit dramatic.
His family is mine and mine is his. Ho estly my husband worries just as much about my mom and even grandparents as he does his own. I and do as well for his. I can’t imagine it being any other way. If you love me yoh will love everyone I love or at least make it seem like he does for my peace and his lol…and the other way around. Both sides have been supportive and helpful and there since day one when we were still in high-school and moved in together to make use we finished school.
Wow with all due respect your husband is a dick. Yes of course your mom is family. And next time his mom says shit to you I’d put her in her place (cause she seriously fucked her son up lol) and tell him to go be with his mom then
In our life in laws are family
…pretty sure they call that extended family…
My husband’s mom can’t stand me no matter how much we show her love and respect she always flips out for no reason. Idk I have tried
When you get married your families combine. That simple. Your family is his family and his family is your family.