My husband is a stay at home dad for the time being because he was laid off…so i went back to work which works for us…when i was home and he was working, i made sure the kids had 3 meals a day and the house was in tip top shape…all he has been doing it sittin on the couch and ignoring our kids while they apparently trash the place…i also found out that my 6 year old was feeding my toddler snacks all day because “daddy didnt feed us”…i am LIVID…he refuses to look for a job and be a dad so idk how to approach or what to do…he says I am over reacting bc they had snacks and so its not like they starved or anything…likw what would you do if your man did this?
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband doesn't do anything when he stays home with our kids: Advice?
He could be depressed
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Sounds like you have 4 kids
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Change is hard approaching it where he won’t feel the need to be defensive and offer him tips and tricks as to what your schedule would be with them
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Nah. If he can’t actually be a dad, he doesn’t need to stay.
Your six year old shouldn’t be feeding younger children in the aspect of making sure they don’t starve. He’s not a stay at home dad. He’s a shitty neglectful babysitter.
I would make him an x
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It is probably really hard on his pride, and a huge transition to ho from being the “bread winner” to a stay at home. Try having an open honest conversation with him, and listen to what he’s feeling without getting angry about everything he isn’t doing!
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We would have a “
Come to Jesus “ meeting !
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He probably is depressed. I just filed on one just like that, depressed for 4 years with no job and no help at home. 
Not over reacting. He needs to be a dad or fuck off 
Mine does this too. But in reality we do better then anyone else. Nobody can take over our spot and do what we do the way we want it done.
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Whoever stays at home should be doing the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids!
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Sounds to me like he’s dealing with depression… try to approach in an understanding, compassionate manor, and kindly but firmly let him know if he needs therapy you’ll support him but if he’s just being lazy it’s time to shit or get off the pot, he’s a parent too.
First, what are the hours he’s left alone with the kids? Depending on the hours maybe snacks are totally acceptable. Also, guys don’t “clean as they go” like women tend to. They tend to leave a mess until they have to clean. It could be normal dad behavior or it could be in acceptable. Honestly it just depends on the circumstances.
That’s considered neglect! Depressed or not your a parent. Take pictures with time dates and stamps. Tell him to step up and either take care of the kids and the house or boy bye. Unacceptable.
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I agree thst he isnt processing it mentally or emotionally very well… HOWEVER, I frankly wouldn’t give a damn if he was depressed or not. Kids don’t ask to be here. We as parents don’t get to simply take time off of being parents. He needs to step up. I’d point out how hard but also rewarding being a SAHD is. That they need him to not only care for them bit also to lead by example. Even young, kids are always watching
I mean if it’s all new to him, maybe after he adjusts he’ll do better?
I kicked his ass out!!
Following. Natasha Delgado
Put kids in daycare. Less money. He gets a job.
He’s depressed, it sounds like. most men aren’t cut out for homemaking. They literally can’t. My husband hasn’t the first clue how to clean and keep a house clean - much less finish a load of dishes, with a dishwasher. But, one thing I never have to worry about is him feeding the kids because that man is going to EAT. Which leads me back to the depression thing - if he isn’t cooking, he isn’t eating, therefore he isn’t cooking for the kids, so… I think it’s time to try to have a heart to heart with him and focus on HIM and find out what’s getting him and how you can help him get back on track. Getting laid off does something to a man, especially one with a family at home. I’ve seen many accept the position of failure too soon due to work related issues.
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Kick him out. You don’t need another kid
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I agree with him probably being depressed. Can you buy easy things for him to make for the kids? Uncrustables, easy mac in the microwave etc.
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If it was just the house I’d have a talk about trying a little harder. They ain’t gonna do it like us mommas but they can clean… But not feeding my kids actual food all day I’m going tf off!!!
If you wouldn’t be okay with daycare or a sitter doing it a parent dang sure shouldn’t be doing it. At least in this case.
Get a job or get out?
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Time to install some cameras, but in the meantime it might be depression too. But it’s gotta be made clear that he has new responsibilities now.
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Be straight up about at least neglecting our kids. There’s no excuse for that, depression or not. If he’s going to sit on his ass and NEGLECT them he can get the fuck out. I can work on getting him in a better place to clean our house but I don’t play when it comes to my kids
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When he asks for dinner, tell him to go get himself a snack 
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Leave. I have no advice. Hold your end or get outta the way and be replaced
I use to make my kids lunch boxes to leave in the fridge so I knew they’d have appropriate food 
otherwise they’d have trash all day lol
That’s not a man… a MAN takes care of his kids.
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Meal prep for the kids, so it’s ready for them. Talk to him set a schedule
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I’d look him dead ass in the face as I called CPS on speaker phone, and ask CPS what they think about a child only having some snacks to eat all day. Then I’d call the doctors advice nurse and ask them, also on speaker phone. Then I’d ask him if he’d like me to call a nutritionist as well or is he gonna start acting right.
It’s not the same as a child refusing food. He’s refusing to feed them!
What would he do if you decided that you couldn’t do it all and quit your job? It is wake up time for him.
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Mine is at home rn w all 3 of our kids… i have a 11 yo boy & 2 girls(4&11m) hes doing everything at home himself while im out in the city… i jus had a baby and she’ll be in the nicu for awhile still… n i know hes looking after my kids good… I think yours needs to step up and be a dad or get a job… mine has always been a stay at home dad even after i had my 11m old… im usually the one working…
Learned helplessness. Funny how women figure out the same tasks. No one taught me…
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Nope it’s not your job to manage him. So either he gets his shit together or he gets out. What is the purpose of him being there anyway when all he’s doing is adding more work, neglecting his kids and pissing you off?
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I’d set it the f… off and let be known you either make sure the kids are fed or get off your ass and get job that simple hell nah don’t mess with the kids health period
Get children books
One about cooking
One about cleaning
Then you hand them to him with a note that says, it seems you’re in need of a starter course.
Either he catches the hint or you get a rise out of him. If you get a rise out of him you explain how it works while you’re at work and he’s at home that you are willing to make him a list if he needs it. 
After working full time and getting have that sense of a “break” it’s really easy to get a level of comfort of not having to do anything for once. He also could be feeling a sense of depression if he is someone who enjoys going to work. Maybe try talking with him and seeing what the issue may be before jumping to the “lazy” train (not saying that’s what you were doing at all)
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Instead of approaching him all angry and livid (probably hateful) try telling him y’all need to have a real grown ups conversation. And just tell him like look I know being a stay a home mom/dad can be hard. And even if he doesn’t cook three meals a day that he could at least put in the effort to feed them and make them pick up after there selves. Come to him with understanding cause I’m assuming this is something fresh and change is/can be super hard on one in many different ways. So try cooling off and approach it a different way.
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Educate him. Prove to him exactly why it is a big deal. Make him read studies and see the long term effects it can have on the children. Dads just don’t get it sometimes. They didn’t inherit the parental instinct that is women have. He really doesn’t see it as wrong, and that’s the worst part, so maybe just try to show him and help him understand and see if that changes anything.
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I would talk to him before kicking him out explain that if he can’t take care of the kids he fathered while you are at work he needs to find a job or another place to stay until he can right his priorities. Period there’s no excuse for neglecting your kids all day
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You said it works for you’ll so I’m confused?
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Hundreds of jobs out there-he is soaking up the unemployment benefits, he should pay for child care so his kids can be taken care of properly, or do it himself
This is why my marriage went down the drain he got too comfortable me doing everything and after years of basically working full time then going home and doing the job of stay at home mom too I eventually got burnt out and decided to 
. It’s not fair to you to do everything. Mine didn’t see a problem or change. I hope yours does. Regardless it’s not fair to you and especially your babies …you should feel safe leaving them at home with dad.
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Id be divorced! Ain’t nobody got time to raise a husband too while trying to raise kids!
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He could be depressed? … he needs help.
Once you rule that out of the way, you need to lay down your boundaries and let him know you won’t stand for this. My man tried this … I kicked him out. Been better ever since lol 
well he’s back now but it’s better!
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I would have a conversation about it. Maybe he is depressed from losing his job. However, he needs to make sure he is feeding your children appropriate meals. If you two cannot find a compromise then it’s time to make a bigger decision
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Men need Instruction. Leave a detailed list.
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I think he’s depressed. Hopefully he’ll get his groove back soon.
Have a conversation about it. Maybe leave a little list. If still no change then ask yourself do you really want to take care of a grown a** man baby that can’t even pick up after himself or feed the kids ?
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Couples therapy or divorce.
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I get being fustrated, but this sounds all new to him. It sounds like you’ve been balancing it for a while until now, let him figure it out.
Weaponized incompetence at play here besides the obvious other issues at hand
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I would find reliable child care then
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How is he supposed to look for a job if he’s at home with kids all day. Men and women do things differently.
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He has to go back to work because you need to be with those children. You’ve already had all the talks with him and he isnt listening. Stop talking. Save up money and move where you can afford without him. Takes forever to get support from a not caring father. Make him go I to counseling. Turn him into his family. Make them protect the kids from his neglect. Do anything but stay in that mess. It’s hard on those kids. Your kids will need help from counseling if they dont already. Get thru to him or move. Or, move him. Supervised visits only. He cant be responsible to care for the kids. Childrens Services will help if it gets real bad. Save them for absolute last. Hope something works. Mayb you’ve done it all and he still expects you to. I hope you get it worked out but he may not be a keeper
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You have 3 choices buddy,
Earn get a job
Learn go back to school and study to get a better job
Or leave
These aren’t optional.
These are your kids too
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Oh hell to the no. If you’re doing the work of breadwinner he does the work of the stay at home parent. Period. Somebody has to do it and if he doesn’t then you’re stuck doing both which is more than two full time jobs. He’s an adult who helped create two tiny people that are dependent on you and him to survive. He needs to act like an adult and do what he needs to do they live in a clean home and have a healthy life instead of taking that typical male mindset of I’m a man so my only job is to make money. Especially if he’s not even working. His mindset should be I’m a man so I’m going to do anything I need to in order to support my wife and my children. Period.
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Lots of luck. Funny how when the shoe is on the other foot the rules change.
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He sounds like he’s depressed
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Have a conversation with him first. Find out what’s going on, how you feel about all this ams what you would like him to do. If that doesn’t work and he makes no effort to improve or change, then honey I’m sure you know what you need to do after that. I would’ve done that long before now and I would be divorced. If I have to do it by myself I just assume be by myself and do it then.
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I would tell him to gtfo if he doesn’t think what he’s doing is wrong
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Try approaching it differently. Maybe talk with him in a way that he will take not as criticism. Be nice and don’t get upset. I realize how angry that would make someone but if you come at someone upset or loud they shut down or get defensive. It’s best to discuss things rationally. Don’t just leave, that’s just crazy. Maybe he’s been working for years and he feels this is like a little vacation for him!! Maybe try making him a list of things to do while you are at work, such as specific times fix breakfast, do dishes, and so on… And be nice about it. I know my husband shuts down if I’m angry.
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Find childcare for my kids and put his a** out. 
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The single mom in me says tell him to kick rocks, your already working to pay all the bills and you have to do the everything else while he sits on his ass. And are your kids actually safe in his car anyway? At this point he’s just a body in the house and not looking after them.
But realistically, maybe insist on therapy. Maybe he’s depressed about losing his job and no longer being the provider. That’s quite a blow to the anyone, let alone the male ego. Furthermore, he probably doesn’t know how you did so effortlessly, heck I don’t, and he’s having a hard time getting in his groove for running the household. Good luck
I would get a camera installed for him to watch with you or a real child care provider
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He needs to address his depression in therapy
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I would be livid also! That is not ok! Your 6 year old should not be in charge of feeding the younger sibling.
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Kick him out…if ur basically doing it on ur own anyways then fully do it and then u don’t get let down when depending on another person
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Since the roles are reversed, he should be doing what you did or what he expected you to do while you were at home. Have a talk with him about what’s going on. He may be feeling down and his ego may be bruised since you are the breadwinner right now. Communicate with him and work through it.
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Get a job or get out
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If I am doing it all by myself, I might as well be myself.
As a commenter mentioned above, get a camera if you don’t already have one. Document for future custody case.
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What does he do ??? TV or games? Unplug the TV. get a plug lock box. Sit down and have a conversation. Tell him that you are NOT having your kids taken away for his negligence. Yes, that’s a thing. Either he gets a job… or he goes to counseling. This is serious.
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There is ZERO excuse, whatsoever, for not feeding your own fu king children!
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None of that is acceptable. If he thinks it is, it sounds like he might be going through depression and needs to get some help.
I would approach it from that perspective: “I need my partner and the kids need their dad. What can we do to get you feeling better, so you can be present for us again?”
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He may be suffering from depression. If I wasn’t sure of the root cause of the behavior, I’d approach it from a place of being concerned without being angry or judgmental - do more listening than talking and try to figure out what’s going on in his head before saying words/taking a path that might be more harmful than helpful. If it turns out that he’s depressed or struggling, therapy/marriage counseling could help. If he feels that he can get away with doing less than the bare minimum solely because he knows you’ll carry the whole load for him, then you’ve got a hard decision to make. Either way, you need someone in your life that will be an equal partner. You and your kids deserve that.
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Neglect is not something to tolerate
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We tried that when my daughter was little. My husband ( now ex) did nothing. I’d come home and she’d still be in her night lol, filthy, house filthy, nothing but junk food. He went back to work. I told him that if he couldn’t take care of her and the house then he could find a job!
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Find a new husband
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He’s going to have to go get a job for his own self worth. he cannot be laying on you while you pay all the bills . He cannot be just sitting around the house not doing anything. If you haven’t noticed he may have become a loser …get rid of him. Any man that doesn’t work it’s not worth having.
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Ha get the fock out fr that’s what I’d be sayin… starving his own kids 
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Explain what needs to be done on scedule to run a household with children and home…then see if he imptoves or you hire a sitter and maid and he goes back to work to pays for it all…guess he will find another field to work in or get off of his dead ass an do something productive round the house…damn…good luck chica
Tell him to GROW the F$&k up😡
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While most will come on here and say “oh get rid of him he’s trash” you have to consider he’s probably taken a hit to his self-worth if he’s used to being the breadwinner of the family and suddenly he’s not working and in a role he’s not used to having (SAHD). I’m not saying that’s a good reason not to feed your kids, because it’s not and he should be told how unacceptable that is as a parent. But he’s probably a bit depressed at not being the provider he’s used to being and he needs to get back out there and find a job that can feed his family. Meanwhile, make him a list of things that need to be done during the day and tell him that those are the minimum requirements for staying home with the kids while you’re at work. He might not want to hear it, or take it well, but he needs to understand that you can’t do it all and feed the kids and everything else while he does nothing all day, and that that isn’t what being a stay at home parent is all about.
A grown ass man that can’t figure out breakfast, lunch and dinner?!? Yikes. Ultimatum time.
F that. As soon as my kids said they were home all day without food whoever I left them with would leave and I would call Police to report child neglect.
I don’t care who you are my kids come first.
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I’d lose my 
take my kids & leave. Watch him not pay bills & reap the results of his actions. Make sure utilities aren’t in your name. Can’t do much about the house being in both names though.
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It sounds like he’s in a funk from being laid off
Sounds like he needs a schedule…
To help him know what & when to do it
Certain task
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Talk to him and give him a deadline -
Prep the kids meals for the day so you know they have food set. The husband can surely allocate the food n if not tell your 6 year old to.
As for the cleaning, maybe write out each day what needs to be done … washing, dishes etc… if he cannot complete this then you will need to talk to him about it. A little courtesy and respect for the household is what keeps it running and if 1 falls off the other should be there to pick it up 
if they are not… you will have to evaluate what will be best cause no one knows more then you do … good luck
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Get a job and pick up the slack snd take care of your kids or get the f out because you obviously don’t care about your children or me so theirs reason for you to be here 
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Man can suffer from depression n mental illness like woman do. If women doing thos yall be say it’d depression but most of comments make me sick bc me n my husband both had depression smh I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.i could barely get out of bed n barely could care for my kids
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I would tell him this is neglect and unacceptable. Nit Caring for your own family is abusive mentally and physically.
Tell him if he can’t be a part of the family then he can move out. Why be there if he doesn’t care.
On another note. He is depressed.
He lost his job.
He’s stays at home
He’s feeling worthless
He feels lost
He’s always thought it was easy for you and now he’s overwhelmed to learn it was more than he thought. He won’t admit that. That would look weak to him. If he is not the kind to admit when he’s wrong and has trouble with being wrong then it would make his depression worse. He needs therapy.
My husband was diagnosed with a vitamin D3 deficiency. Then he lost his job. And we lost insurance. Our new rental had a vitamin book left there and I read it. It said vitamin D3 is a natural antidepressant. So I gave him 2 a day knowing he was deficient. In a week or 2 he stopped talking about suicide and in another 2 months he was laughing and getting out and enjoying being outside and family again.
Talk to him about a Vitamin Panel with his Dr and check his vitamins levels. Start him on 1 now. At night. They will help him rest. I hope he gets the help he needs so he can be a more helpful husband and father. God bless.
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Meal plan on my day off with his help,make the kids a chore chart and make a list of all the chores that he is responsible for.if it didnt help id tell him to find soome other woman to freeload off of.
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He’d be out. I get having breakfast for lunch or even a shitty lunch because kids can be picky, ive seen myself fight my daughter to eat lunch till 130-2pm some times. Snacks on the other hand all day are not a meal, some days when she doesnt eat a good lunch ill give more snacks during the days so shes not hungry but its not all she eats
Get him mental health treatment and be understanding.
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