If you didn’t enforce it when the 3 year old was born and kept letting him slack then the chance of him helping is slim. You could try and leave the younger two with him for a few hours and put your foot down and say the older children and you are going to spend time together without the younger ones and he’ll need to deal with it
Talk first. Then plan a day for yourself and leave him with them. He won’t hurt them and even if he’s mad he’ll care for them. Or hire a sitter for a day probably a better plan.
Time to go away for a weekend alone and let him see what u do…
I won’t put up with this because he works a job, he comes home and his job is done. You’re working constantly. You don’t have a time to clock out, you don’t have scheduled breaks, you can barely even take a shit by yourself. A 24/7 job never stops. A 9-5 work day does. I don’t believe it’s fair.
That’s insane. My husband and I have a blended family of 8. 3 mine, 4 his, then youngest is 18 months and is ours, and he either cooks dinner when he comes home, or spends time with the kids. He doesn’t clock out til bedtime, just like me.
Five children with that age range you have been together a long time. And if you never expected any help from him before with the others he may have just got comfortable it’s time to speak up and ask for help talk to him about how you’re feeling about how he doesn’t participate in the raising of your children specifically the two youngest
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Why did you have 2 babies with this man? Did he want these babies or was it just you? I would think that if he wanted them, he would have an interest in doing some things with them. Does he show them love of any kind? Or is he just a selfish SOB ? Kids need both parents at least part of the time. Especially the girls need some good attention from their father. How much physical effort does it take to hold a little one in your lap and read to them? They need this and you need an occasional break to enjoy a bath in peace or to read a book or go shopping without the kids. Have you talked to him about all of this? If not…you need to. And if that doesn’t work… find a good counselor.
have you thought about getting a part time job? being a stay at home mom is rough - and even if your paycheck just goes to a sitter, it will give you some time away to find a job you like doing. just make sure the job isn’t stressful!
Wish I had some advice that would be helpful. I must have one of the very few that did what needed done. Both when I worked and when I was SAHM. There has not been any of this his chores/her chores, or he makes the paycheck, so I do everything, we always seemed to have a good balance. I would have kicked his ass to the curb if he wasn’t helping with the kids and the house. Times are so different I guess, mine are 29 and 25, they started learning to take care of their share around the house as soon as they were old enough to learn. Obviously age appropriate chores, but they did their share too.
-Try communication, sit him down let him know he’s also a parent and needs to help take care of the kids and spend time with him or they won’t want to do things with him he’ll practically be a stranger …
-Could try couples counseling sometimes communicating is hard
-Get a part time job work couple days of the week you’ll get a break from the kids feel more like you and not just mom you and also when they are use to the baby sitter or their dad take an extra day to go do something for yourself, you time.
I’d say he is likely emotionally and physically drained from 60 hour work weeks. He probably resents the fact that you get to “stay home”. But that doesn’t mean you don’t need a break. I recommend you find a sitter for one morning a week. Even if it’s just 4 hours so you can have your coffee and read a book or even just go to the grocery store alone. I’d also suggest a few weekend nights a month to go to dinner together or to a movie. Or even just take a walk. Stress on both sides can end in resentment and loss of the marriage.
That doesn’t seem right to me at all.
-you deserve a mental break
-they are his kids too and he needs to bond with them and take part in his responsibility as the father
Does he not allow you to leave them home if you go to the store?
That’s not cool at all.
I work 50 hours a week and so does my boyfriend. We both work hard to raise both the kids with each other. When I was a stay at home mom he helped me even when he was working 60 hours a week. Honestly I’d tell him how you feel
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Leave early Saturday morning and leave them at home.
Talk to him first and I think you need to set a date that you go out of town ALONE! If she will take a bottle then I would go ahead and plan for sooner than later. If she will only take breast then plan to go out of town the day you decide to stop breast feeding. If your plan is to stop when she 12 months old then plan a trip for you to leave either on or the day after her birthday. Leave for 2 nights. DONT CHECK YOUR PHONE! Tell him to call the hotel (or wherever you’re staying) if there’s a real EMERGENCY!! And I mean REAL emergency!! And that you will call to say goodnight at bedtime (if you want to. 2 nights of not saying goodnight will not harm anyone) I feel this totally. You are not alone. A lot of men just don’t like the baby phase. I know my husband doesn’t and has said as much to me BUT he helps a lot with the other 3. Stick to your guns. Have your non negotiable ready before you talk so you are fully prepared. Use terms like “from my perspective” or “this is how I view it or see it”. Listen to what he has to say as well. Be kind to each other. Good luck
You need a break from them all
Some men do not feel comfortable with a baby. Hang in there. He will eventually be a big help when the children are older.
Wow sounds like my partner
You are talking about a husband who works at least 40 hours at work. Even if you love your job it is not a piece of cake. You on the other hand are at home with your kids full time. You do not need to take them to day care and still work 40 hours. You are describing what most women who work 40 hours a week and come home and have to cook, clean, and do things for their children. Most would love to change places with you. I know what craving adult conversation is like. Noticed it one day when talking to a clerk at a store who looked completely disinterested in my life. My husband did not change many diapers. His idea of minding the kids was to put them down for naps and he took one as well. But, he did take all four of them even when the last two were about 18 months old with him on Saturday. Gave me a break and a little alone time. It may be that you need a little more adult time and if you can afford to get a baby sitter every once in awhile that would be great. Those kids are soon going to be in school and you will have lots of free time. Perhaps your husband will do more things with the kids as they grow older. Good luck. Perhaps some day you will look back on these times as some of the best and miss them.
Get a part time job where you work on his days off. Hecwill have to step uo.
Maybe talk to him about getting some YOU time…whether it be an hour a day or maybe a few hours on one of his days off? But if he didn’t help with the first, why have another with him. I understand your frustrations but just try to see his point of view and try to make him understand where u r coming from. The last thing u want is resentment on both sides…that isn’t a healthy relationship or environment for the kids
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He was like that with the first baby, and yet you had a second baby with him? Stop the bean counting and be grateful for what you do have. A man that provides for his family and enables you to be a stay at home mom.
Umm, probably best to talk to him before resourcing to facebook. You have children, I get it. I’m a stay at home mom too, but all in all, if my husband is wore out after working all day, I let him be. He’s working twice as hard so I don’t have to. Communication in a marriage is key to a good marriage. But seriously, don’t be mad about him needing to “decompress” in bed for an hour on the phone, maybe that’s his way to unwind.
Don’t listen to these boomers. He needs to help you. “He works 50 hrs weeks” and? You work 24/7. Stop giving him a choice
If he does some little bit of help, thank him and explain how much that means to you, how you would really appreciate his helping a little. He might surprise you.
Sounds like he’s got it made - maybe a little thoughtless.
Lets stop the notion of “being a great provider” of a man just “working and bringing home a paycheck”
You didnt make those kids by yourself. How is he being a father if he dont do shit? If he doesnt interact?? Thats beyond crazy to me smh i dont get how some of yall are like he needs to decompress and he provides…but has ZERO bonding time or a relationship with his children and then when they get older wonder why they dont talk to dad or want anything to do with him…
get your tubes tried you don’t want anymore lol
This is so old fashioned…
Sounds like you need to be talking to him and telling him and not us. Not being shotty about it but he should be helping you out. Those are his children too ! Just tell him how you are feeling and that you need his help. Communication is your best ally. Good luck.
Some men still believe there are women’s duties I.e housework taking care of the children he does man stuff ie work yard work maybe you can talk to him and explain that you are mentally
Childcare requires a lot mentally and emotionally.
Give him a break - let him be the dad/bread-winner.
Have your home quiet and peaceful when he gets home …
You sit him and down and tell him he’s a parent and he needs to do his part. Working a job doesn’t equal no parenting time. Ask him if he wants a good bond with his children as they grow up? Or does he want to basically be a stranger they don’t know or trust. Parenting doesn’t go away just bc someone has a job… really it sounds like he wants a wife appliance and kids he can show off from time to time. Maybe it’s time for the wife appliance to break down.
He takes care of EVERYTHING but the kids…
Sheesh how ungrateful
Divorce him and take on everything by yourself. That’s my advise
Omg I could have wrote this. Except I also work. But I do EVERYTHING at home. I’m so sorry you’re gojnb through this
Tell him to get off his ass and help with his children. He is the father and needs to step up and do more with them and taking care of them. Going to work doesn’t mean you have nothing to do with raising your own children. And just because he works doesn’t mean he can’t help out with the household stuff. It’s his house also.
You have let him get away with it for 3 years. They are his children, too. He needs to step up and help out.
Where do yall find these men who think they can just make babies and not have to care for them… like wtf??? Yall need to do better and find men not boys!!! Stop settling for less when you deserve more… put ur foot down … go to the store and leave them home… take a shower…and leave them with him…what will continue is what you allow!!!
Parenting is a 24/7 job for both parents, Dad works 60 hours a week away from the home well guess what mom is working those same 60 hours in the home. The other hours are theirs together. Whatever needs to be done around d the house or for the children is on both of them. Dad doesn’t get to get of work and be done for the day just like mom doesn’t. If you can’t be a partner then you shouldn’t be in a relationship. It takes 2 people to make a baby and both people should be raising the baby.
A woman job .clean house cook n take care of the kids if she need time off hire a sitter r u will loose him to another woman
MistyRose Ivey where did you see that… he grills once and a while and does lawn work… how is that everything
When the 8 year old was three, did he help you with him?
Sounds like he is perfect on all other duties .just talk with him and praise him when he does do even little things with the kids .your job is very tough and you should be commended for it also!
Some great advice above. But I’m just curious how he expects to bond with his children if he has zero interaction with them. So odd
If you don’t put your foot down you will continue living this way.
I get it you need a break, leave him with the kids and leave. There his kids too. He can learn if he can do everything he can take care of kids too. My husband learned, men can learn I’ve seen it.
Get a job and split child care and child duties and home duties 50/50. See if you like that better than your situation. I see this all the time with sahm. I’ve been both a stay at home mom and a working mom. In my opinion being a working parent has been way more of a struggle. You had one child with him and continued to have more. You knew what you were getting yourself into especially with your experience with your 3 year old. Then continued to have more kids. He supports 3 kids that aren’t his 2 that are you and himself. That is a LOT. He’s got a lot of physical and mental stress just like you except more. To maintain enough money to support 7, a house, food, car, insurance on everyone and everything, phone, utilities. If he he gets fire or doesn’t make enough you lose everything. You both need to look at it from each others stand point.
Just prepair everything one day and tell him you need a break and walk out for a few hours. He may take the hint after that.
Talk it out, make him realize, communication is the , good luck!
You should be talking to your husband to get answers. God bless you.
Why are you allowing him a choice in the matter??? Shape up or ship out or deal…only options
Talk to him and tell him you quit. Take care of the kids. PERIOD. Make sure they are fed, etc. Do their laundry and yours. He can figure out how to do his own. Stop cooking for him - - -.
You need to TELL him. Don’t ASK. He won’t take initiative - it’s a male thing. They also can’t read minds. Communicate! By this I mean, voice your concerns, tell him what you need him to do at that particular moment, and make him help. Put your foot down now, or nothing will change.
Could he have postpartum depression?
your man works hard to provide for you … why should he come home exhausted and then have to deal with little people?!
widowed at 27 with 3 little ones, who did just fine …
I ha6 in 9 yrs lived on afarm and I DID IT ALL Even milking 7 9. cows 2 timed a day I lived thru it
i stayed at home also but i told the husband he helped make the kids he can help take care of them a woman at home with children works harder it thing than any man and needs a break once in a while. watch the movie yours mine and ours the first one with henry Fonda and see it can work
Stop having kids with him!!! The way I see it is the kids/ house are your full time job, however once you put in your 40 or so hours a week then the rest of the time should be 50/50 divided equally between the parents. So let’s say he works from 8-5 every day. You start your clock the moment you do anything house/ kid related. Put in the same amount of hours. After he is home everything should be divided…this means homework, cooking, dishes, baths, sports activities. If one of you is busy, then the other one better be busy too. That way you both can relax together and be a couple at the end of the day
I’d be sooooo done! You made them with me so you are raising them with me. Period.
So your job is 24/7 and his is just 40-60hoirs? How is that fair? Why does he get a break after work and you get no break ever. The amount of people telling you that you’re attention starving and deal with it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?? It takes two to have a child, you’re asking for help with his kids. What man doesn’t want to help with their kids or get excited and want to participate in bath time and story time and bonding? That’s crazy to me. I get wanting to unwind from work but when do you unwind from work that you don’t even receive a salary for and your teaching, nurturing, and caring is what shapes these tiny humans into adults. Your responsibility outweighs whatever your husband is doing ten fold.
Remind him that it takes both parents to raise the kids and that he is needs to step up and start being a daddy and not just the guy the makes the money. Tell him next time you go to the store to have fun and walk out without the kids. Yes most of it does fall on us but he needs to do his part as a parent.
this exhausted me for you. i’m sorry that is a lot of work for 5 kids
Get someone to babysit them and have him pay for that . Well you do whatever you need to do. It’s 50/50 when you have kids
Honey please take care of yourself and your mental health and self care I think at some point all mother’s feel that way whether or not they admit it. Please try to talk to him. If you can try and swing and have a date night that is vitally important I do know it is hard to trust people to watch your children.wish I could hug you and help and let you vent it all out sending you love I have 5 kids I understand that part and I’m a sahm. can you hire help with cleaning or babysitting so you can have some downtime or a summer program for kids wishing you luck honey
Book yourself an Airbnb for the week and tell him to figure it out
Maybe he should work half the time and you should work the other half of the time and housework and child rearing can be even. My husband and I work equal hours and do equal house work.
Man WHAT… I could never… I have 5 kiddos and I stay home with them while dad works. But best believe when he gets home and comfy I hand them off to him. I don’t ask , I just do it.
I would kicker jerk to the curb!!!
You did not make them yourself. Marriage and family are a TEAM JOB!!!
Let him know of your resentment feelings. See if he makes any changes and if not, then you have your answer.
There’s a reason he was a single father of three, lol
Wow, I personally felt your exhaustion as I was reading your post
This is not fair to you and the children. Parenting is 50/50. I don’t care if you’re bringing home the money, I’m the one caring for them while you’re doing so. Talk to him, tell him how exhausted you are and that you need him to start helping with the children. There’s no reason why he can’t be an active parent in their lives. Any man can bring home the bacon, and if that’s the case you can find that anywhere.
Unless he is on the clock 24/7 then why should you be.
Since he won’t help, have him pay for a sitter when you need some time for yourself! Have you really told him not asked him that you need him to do certain things to help with the load of parenting???
Postpartum depression. Hope someone talks to your husband about this or maybe let him watch the movie Tully.
You really need to set him straight. Just because he works doesn’t give him a free pass on child care. They’re his kids too. Oh hell no !!!
Just give them to him and tell him you’re going to the store. You don’t need his permission. If he’s not working and sitting or laying around, tell him the kids aren’t going with you. Don’t worry about what he says. You need a little you time!
I had the same issue not quite as bad We only had 3 kids but I got NO help at all !He worked I stayed at home with the kids seemed like it was my job only …he would take them some outside here and there but got side tracked a lot so I did it …he needs to help you that’s a huge family !Good luck oh I would t take the kids to the store nope he can watch them !
Girl my husband dose the same thing I have a 3 year old and a 2 year old and my husband never helps me with anything or less I start bitching at him and I have a baby on the way August 15 let’s see if he helps with this one
I know how that is. I work and then have to come home and do everything. It’s so frustrating
He should be helping with the kids after he gets off of work - esp if it’s your job by yourself for the 8+ hours that he’s at Work. It should be a team effort when he’s off work.
He is the dad it would be nice to have him lend a hand when he gets home so you could get a nice bath and just some time to yourself. He does need to spend time with his kids…
Communicate. In your love language and with frankness tell him how you feel. It will take a long time and consistency will waiver - seriously years - but if you’re a team, and have the same goals, want the same things things out of life, talk. He should understand that during work he gets to go to the restroom, have coffee, speak to other adults, shower before leaving, that’s privileges ￼ you’d appreciate - a shower - a coffee - a break. Suggest five minute activities on what he can do to bond and get to know the kids. If that’s too much start small. Be smart and sneaky. Have baby panama diaper wipes and ointment near. Say the other kid is in the restroom having an emergency or that you have to go to bathroom right now, if he can please get baby ready for bed. And do not wait for him to respond. Leave baby in arms and walk out quickly.
It works good luck. You got this. And resentment is hard only way to cope is to communicate because he may have his feelings too. Strive to be there for each other reeentment will fall away.
It’s called parenting.
I agree with everyone else dad/husband needs to help. My husband did. We have 2 adult daughters now. One is married with our first grand-daugher, who just turned 2, in April. Other daughter is at home with us. My husband is disabled and he still helps when he can. Still to this day, he does. What if you had a job? What if the tables are turned around on him for once? I would definitely talk to him, and let him know how your feeling. Communication is key. Prayers and Hugs
tell him youre a team and you need help!! you shouldnt have to beg him to help you! I have 4 kids ages 9,8,2,1 and my husband works the same hours doing construction. If he sees i need help. he will step in and help or ask what i need him to do. but he mainly does laundry on his days off. and thats without having to ask him to do it. he knows were a team and we work together to raise our family. hes an old school country type of man/dad. been together 13 years. high school sweethearts.
Ask him. Probably a lame excuse will be answered to you like I bring the money in you look after the kids. But he must realise it is a 24/7 job for us mothers, crikey even going on holiday is a job of looking after your kids… so why have you got his eldest three all the time does he not look after them. Actually I would ask for a wage from him for looking after the three eldest if he isn’t pulling weight as a father…
Stop enabling him to be a lazy parent . Tell him you’re going to the store and he has to watch his children x
Hire a cleaning service and leave the kids with him and go get a massage, pedicure, whatever…
As my mother-in-law once told me “just leave!” My husband use to try to do this. Forced me to become a stay at home mom. (I had worked on the books since I was 14-23) everything was all my responsibility Kid’s, house, animals, literally everything. He felt he had to do nothing! (Back then he barely worked, 35-50hrs, took off when ever he wanted) I finally put my foot down one day. Told him if he didn’t straighten his shit out and help with the kids and his animals I’d leave him quicker than I left the drug addict with my twins. I was a single mom of 2 for almost a year before I started dating him. I know I can do it on my own. (This was years ago, now)…… Now He does a lot better at helping. He does more now working 12hr 5 days a week and half days Saturday’s than he ever has…… I was also an enabler to him back then. Trying to always justify why I should have to do it all and he should just be able to sit there! No matter how depressed and unhappy I was back then. I just didn’t wanna fight…… But at the end of the day you didn’t create all those humans alone. You gotta put your foot down and demand he help or you’ll leave and do it all on your own since that’s what your doing anyway. (That’s how I always put it) or do as my mother-in-law told me, you need a break “just leave” get in your car and go! Go to the store, go the the park for a walk, go sit in a parking lot. Go take a break for you and don’t tell anyone where your going and don’t answer the phone he’ll blow up once he realizes you left alone with no kids!
Let him read this. He may not realize how you feel.
Sadly alot of males are like this. You just have to ask for help. I know asking for help, for things that are clearly needing to be done, sounds crazy. But they don’t see it. Especially as you’ve been the one doing it for so long. It’s become routine now. I’m sorry. I feel this. I hope it gets better for you.
You should be asking him that!
My husband was like this, we have 6 children. It took me allowing it to get way too far that I had a nervous breakdown, for him to tell me he had no idea how I was feeling, because I didn’t share my feelings with him. I was shocked as to how blind he was, watching me do it all on my own for years and never thought anything was wrong, I mean if I ask for help he would jump to help… but I always seen as if you see something needed done, do it… you shouldn’t have to be told or ask, they are his kids too… right?
Well that’s not how men work, I know it’s strange! I had to get myself into therapy after I had my episode, I didn’t like the way I acted and I definitely didn’t want my kids to ever see that side of me again… in that time I learned that men aren’t cut out to be how us mommas are… they have to be told and or ask what to do… talking is the key to it all, first your hubby needs to know your feelings and then yall need to set a ground rule of when he should help, what he should be helping with… kinda like a plan for the days he’s home… you definitely need to get some time to yourself! My hubby and I have been doing alot better, he’s helping out alot more and I’m able to sneak in a shower without having a child or 2 in with me, we all seem to feel better! Good luck and hopefully some of these comments your getting really helps
Because he don’t care, plain and simple.
This is not ok at all. I breast fed but also pumped so my husband could help with night time feedings. We always took turns. Bonding with your children is important for both parents. We took turns for diaper changes, bed time and bath time. It was equal across the board. When I was on maternity leave as soon as he came home, he would take the kids for an hour so I could decompress and take care of me. We did everything as a family. Parenting is a team sport or it will lead to exhaustion and resentment. Time to make that clear.
Wow, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Have you talked to him… I mean really talked to him? For the majority of men you have to lay EVERYTHING out and explain every detail! Tell him you feel resentment. Tell him while he’s playing on his phone he should do a little research on being a SAH mom of 5 kids and never getting a break. Tell him you need to be able to go to the store by yourself with no kids. Say hey hun both little ones need changed; which one do you want to change? If you talk to him and nothing changes in a couple days, talk to him again and again. EVERY SINGLE TIME he does something helpful thank him and lay it on thick! Seriously thank him profusely and compliment him, but only when he is helpful. Men love those ego boosts. Feed that ego.