I’m a SAHM with four beautiful children. My problem is my partner is lazy and makes no effort for our relationship. He’s a good dad and makes time for himself and his gaming. It was recently my birthday, and he didn’t even bother to get me a card. I do all housework and the majority of child care and pay the majority of the bills (the house is mine). I always make such an effort to make him happy. I’ve spent thousands on presents and buy his clothes and everything he needs. I treat him like a king. Even when it comes to sex or spending time together, I have to make all the effort. I don’t know what else I can do. I really don’t. He just doesn’t seem interested, and when I brought all my feelings up to him, he just said, well, I’m not as thoughtful as you, and I do try. I’m so miserable and don’t know what to do to help!
Sometimes men to be told directly what you need from him. I hate asking for help but when I do, he helps. “Hey, will wash the dishes for me?” “Will you take out the trash?” “Will you feed the kids”. Men and women are different, we communicate different. Of course I would love things to be done automatically by both him and my kids. But that would be too easy. I believe that they get used to us doing everything all the time. Just because we do doesn’t mean we should. Be specific when you talk. Let him know you need help WHEN you need help.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband doesn't make any effort in our relationship: Advice?
I feel your pain, im in the same situation 
Same situation here😔
Pull back. Start buying and doing things for you. You’re giving so much to him I bet it makes him feel like nothing he could give would be good enough in comparison (not a you problem, he still should try).
Start doing more for yourself momma
Easy, stop treating him like he’s one of the kids, make him have no choice but to pull his own weight around the house as a start
I totally understand. I have to write a list out of what I would like. Christmas he gave me the Jaycar and said go get yourself a gift. As far as romance and sex-non existent (none for about 7 years).
Hopefully I’m not breaking her copyright… but I read this, this morning… you can go to my Facebook and look at it.
From personal experience when you bring up how you’re feeling, usually women will give a general thing such as “I don’t feel appreciated, I make all the effort, etc” guys don’t get it. You have to give examples, very specific ones. That’s how men’s brains work. It’s not a diss on them whatsoever but typically they’re more straight forward and want to be given stats instead of a general overall report, if that makes any sense. You deserve to be happy and it sounds like maybe neither of you are there.
He’s a kept man. Your house, and little responsibilities
There’s other men out there that will put in effort
That is what you call a “manchild”. Perhaps plan a vacay for you and the kids, minimal contact between you two unless it’s about the children and him talking to them - give him a slight taste of what it would be like without you having to “wipe his ass”. Or, maybe suggest marriage counseling - I’m going to assume that y’all have been together for a long time, and hope it is not too late to open his eyes and change the bad habits. I get that he is a good dad, but you deserve happiness too.
- You can not have any expectations and take what he said “I’m not as thoughtful as you” for face value. 2. You can quit doing the majority of the shit for him, and see what happens.
Because you do everything for him
Well, same boat. 4 years I’m moving! Sorry, it sucks.
Wow! Can I set you up with my son?! You sound amazing!
You teach people how to treat you
Stop trying. Men do what they want when they want, like playing video games. If you’ve expressed your concerns and he’s dismissed them, stop doing for him. Don’t initiate sex, don’t buy him things. Do you booboo. We allow people to treat us the way they do. He is used to you doing everything and handling everything bc you’re a bad ass boss chick but he is not a child. He can buy his own things, make his own meals, so on so forth. It’s your house and you pay most of the bills, so he can go be a good dad at his own house if need be 
life is too short to stay miserable with a man child.
Pull back. If you are not feeling appreciated. Stop doing his washing. You are not his mother. He will realise when he has no clean undies or socks. Focus on u and kids. His excuse is pitiful.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It seems your husband is unable or unwilling to give you what you need. Start pouring into other relationships, your children, family, friends, community, people who are capable of giving you the emotional support you need. It’s not a substitute, and it won’t replace the support you should be getting from your partner, but you can’t change him. You’ll have to get what you’re searching for from the other relationships in your life.
It’s spelled divorce! We all make mistakes and sadly he is one of yours. Love yourself. Good luck
So stop catering to him so much. Let him buy his own clothes. Don’t try so hard to make him happy. Do things that make you happy. Join a woman’s club. Let him be with the kids while you have a night out with lady friends, once every week or so. Plan a date night every week, and tell him in advance. Use a bulletin board to write these things on, so he has no excuse. Tell him what you need to be happy.
First of all, stop doing everything for him, and save your money for the day when you finally get tired enough of being treated like that and decide to make a life for yourself.
not sure of his age maybe it’s a midlife crisic for him - get counseling for u
He seems to like being waited on blame yourself
Omg kick him out … the stress of it not being 50/50
Or him showing you you matter . He has no respect for you. He is just taking . Their are better men out their . Omg you are worth some thing .
Just one question . If your daughter was having the same relationship with her partner would you be happy ? Or your sons
People treat you how you LET them treat you …
You are allowing him to do this behaviour . Kick him out and work on you . Your worth so much more
Sounds like you have another child
Stop doing everything for him. Then he will get up & do something & maybe appreciate you a little more when he sees how hard it is.
Find someone else , GET out of that relationship!!
Seek God through prayer and fasting over your marriage
He was probably like that when you married him…did he want 4 kids or did you…did you think having a baby or 2 or 4 would fix your relationship…obviously it backfired…but you got a husband…
Sounds like you can make it on your own, make sure he knows that.
Sounds like you have a fifth child 
stop buying him things to make him happy, and start spending the money on yourself to make YOU happy. If that doesn’t make him happy, tell him “well, I’m just not as thoughtful as you, but I do try”. End of conversation.
Special occasions hurt when they don’t even try. Stop treating him like a king. And if he still don’t change you’re better off by yourself.
Damn. It’s like I wrote this. (Minus the birthday was recent part)
Honestly tho it’s a fight or flight. You can either stay and discuss the issues and try to work things out. Or leave the situation to better your life.
Now I’m at the point where I need out. I see you. I get you. I feel what you’re going through because I’m literally going through this EXACT same thing.
Sounds like you’re his mother. Lol
Set boundaries and have consequences to back up the boundaries.
You not his mother no need to baby him
Stop buying him stuff stop making him dinner stop doing everything for him then… maybe he’s worn out from having 4 kids 
were the kids planned cause if not then that’s y he just doesn’t care anymore honestly. Stop putting effort into something that isn’t there.
Sorry to say but that isn’t a relationship
So…cut off all efforts and give what you get. See how long it is before he’s crying you don’t do things for him. He already has a mom…just saying
Yall need couples therapy… if thats a thing anymore
Stop making the effort if yours isnt reciprocated. Sounds like you have 5 children. You stay at home but pay for everything? Does he work?
Leave then…stop treating him like he is one of ur kids.
Same 22 years into my marriage and no effort from his side, doesn’t provide for me or his kids. He ain’t gonna change. You are still young so many years ahead of you and so many good men out there worthy of you. Don’t be a fool like me, my ships already sinking but you my dear still have a beautiful, definite, positive chance of docking. Remember we weren’t raised to be rehabilitation centers for this type of laid back and unappreciative men. We deserve much better and I finally realized this after so many miserable years of sacrifices and unhappiness. You deserve better, much better than this! Make a go for it!
If the relationship is so one sided why would you want to save the relationship?!
Throw the whole man out and get you a new man that will make the effort and treat you like a queen 
It’s your life and your decision. Only person who can do change in your life is you. If you don’t like it just get separated, then if he loves you he might change ( only person who can change him) if he doesn’t then you be happy alone
My gosh are you stupid get rid of him stop buying him stuff
CHANGE… do for your kids f*** him
WHAT ARE YOU?A SLAVE?
You have 4 children.You are independant and have a duty towards the upbringing of your children.A great task!!!Your life is fullfilled in achieving that which a single Mum works her fingers to the bone for.Sadly here you are saddled with a lazy boarder that can barely live up to the reputation to be your partner.You are his substitude Mum.That’s a cheap ride for him.
Clear your home with all the clutter and give your boarder his notice.
Get your life back and enjoy your freedom with your sweet children.All the best.⚘⚘⚘
I’ve been in your shoe’s before!! In my opinion I would definitely leave before wasting years that I could have spent happily alone or with the next person who cherishes me!!! I know it sucks and it’s hard but no one can make the drastic change or move but you because he isn’t willing to do so 
The fact that after expressing how you feel he says that’s how I am says a lot. He can be better he just doesn’t want to. What’s the point of the relationship if you’re the only one putting in work.
Sounds more like your playing a mom role to him too. Outside of sex of course-but if he really cared he wouldn’t have come up with that lame ass excuse when you brought it up. Stop what you’re doing for him and if there’s no change then you have your answer. He doesn’t care enough to keep you so don’t care enough to stay
Try couples counseling if you can.
Pm me if you feel like talking about this with someone who has basically the same questions , different situation.
I’d love to hear your side to it all, as well as get advice whether I’m maybe overreacting…
if not I totally understand and I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s tough. 
Instead of saying “I am feeling bla bla bla” tell him “I need you to ______” weather it is you need a massage, him to cook once a week, do dishes after dinner and put them away, vacuum, give you more one on one romantic time what ever it is that you want. Guys are taught to ignore feelings so to speak they are taught to ignore sadness most of all, I don’t get why guys are taught not to cry but most are. Let him see your hurt let him see you cry he probably does not realize how much his lack of romance is hurting you. Also you could have him read some romance books to give him ideas, many guys have no clue and think things like just waving their junk in your face is a romantic way to intiate sex.
Your house, you pay the bills, you buy him everything and do everything for him…why should he act like an equal partner or adult. You treat him like a child. Stop spending on him and start spending on YOU. Treat yourself the way you want him to treat you.
Sorry say this. Want honest opinion devoice him. Might be cheating on you with someone else or not the case? Seems he acting like a jerk don’t appreciate you at all.
You have five children now. My advice is to go back to school and and get a degree or learn a trade-get yourself a career and kick his a$$ out. You 
can do it by yourself-you already are.
Stop doing for him and do for yourself. He comes home tell him to watch the kids cause your going out, then leave.
Look at the videos of Stephan Sparks. He is spot on with advice. Be prepared foryou to change for him to change.
Stop spending the money on him and spend it on you! Treat yourself to a spa day or go away for the weekend.
Stop doing everything for him, take care of your kids and yourself only. If he still doesn’t appreciate you then leave his sorry ass.
This was me 8 years ago. I knew I could get more out of a relationship than what he was giving me - and I was right. I found my soulmate who spoils me rotten.
I would break up with him immediately.
I’m sorry 
If you are miserable then leave. If he doesn’t see a problem with this then it’s his problem not yours, you deserve someone who will give you the world not someone who doesn’t even notice that it’s your birthday! Get someone who cares babe
Make him a chore chart and a child care chart
The trouble with breaking up is that the kids will be away from their father. What about you doing something for you? I know it’s not the same as if he were the one to do it but your happiness should come from within. In the end it is your decision. Maybe he’ll see this and make an effort. Hope it all works out for the best
Take back everything you bought him and make him get his own he should be ashamed of him self
The problem in my opinion is that if you do everything for a man, you are not allowing him to be responsible and take on responsibility and consequences. He won’t step up if you keep stepping in. Don’t buy him anything for his birthday or Father’s Day. If he says anything tell him you thought that’s what y’all were doing. No attitude, no talking about feelings, straight actions. The thing is you’ve accustomed this man to be a child. A good man, which is hard to come by, would not allow a good woman to handle everything by herself. Your house doesn’t equate to him owing you anything. Him being your life partner does. Respect and consideration is the least he should be giving you. After you match his actions, sit down and have a talk.
This is reversed in my house I don’t do cards I don’t do that stuff.
I work 60 hours a week and our kids are living their best life. So that’s a lot of driving for me. My husband tells me all the time I am a kick ass wife. I feel like crap some days because he’s so great.
However I am fucking exhausted I leave the house at 6 and not home until 11 or 12 am 4 of 7 days.
Don’t beat him up to bad and if you do and your not happy just leave
Get out while the getting is good. Get your own credit cards, your own checking account and a good job and run.
Uhm. Why is he there? You pay the bills, the house is yours and you take care of the children, what does he do?
Turn that energy towards yourself, you can’t force him to appreciate you but you don’t need to reenforce his behavior, it might take him awhile but he will notice and at that point if he’s gunna care he will, If not i wouldn’t expect much from him ever
Boitumelo Makuwapane read this
Ask yourself the Ann Landers question. -
Are you better off with or without him?
First of all if you take care of your children and the bills, what the hell is he doing for you guys??? Stop buying him stuff, stop it… he is comfortable living out of you when he doesn’t even appreciate you??? Tal
Take care of you and your children , that excuse of a man is not your responsibility.
Give an ultimatum. Stop expressing your needs after being together for so long. Stop buying stuff for him and treating him like a king if he doesn’t deserve it! It will be rough but why stay miserable with a non-existent person??? Either he tries or he gets the boot.
Hes literally showing you with his actions how much you mean to him. His words are lazy excuses just like his actions.
What do you need this guy for?? He knows he has it good… you do everything and he has to do nothing.
You need to get things straightened out quickly and tell him what you expect of him. If he is not going to do it then you’re probably better off without him
Time to go!!! The relationship has to be 100% from BOTH people, not 50/50. You deserve to be happy and your kids will be happier knowing that you are!!!
It doesn’t take much thought to get someone a card, some flowers, or a cake. Honestly, you’re not asking too much. It sounds like he doesn’t need to make a grand romantic gesture, just a small show of appreciation is fine.
Would he be interested in counseling? Seems like it might benefit you both to have an outsider looking in.
How are you paying bills and buying things if you’re a SAHM? 
Same here. I feel like I have 6 kids instead of 5:confused:
Situations like this is the reason great movies are made, where women get fed up from being neglected and putting forth all the effort in everything in their marriage…while their husband doesn’t even notice or show interest in her……UNTIL:eyes: another man comes along and SEES her and she gets lost in the new guy….Don’t get lost in the sauce if this ever happens:pray:t5:
, but consider marriage counseling and maybe letting him know how much of a problem this is. Maybe even watch one of those types of movies with him:eyes:
Stop doing all the nice stuff for him and stop cleaning up after him. He’ll learn to appreciate ya more
Spend that money on you and your children , stop making him a priory , value yourself more.hes not putting any effort into it and like I tell my 14 yr old a true friend will always make an effort to be in your life , I moved 1000 miles away from my bestie and every couple months we visit and talk 2x a week, and I also tell her that if a boyfriend or man in her life ( when older) candy treat her as good as her daddy does or better he’s not worth the commitment , but she’s a daddy’s girl thru and thru but a combo of both of us🙄
Definitely don’t buy him any more stuff.
I’m going to be the outlier here. My husband often does not do holidays or birthdays the way that I do. His effort, while equal to mine, doesn’t always look like mine. If you’re a stay at home mom, then he IS providing for your family, supplying the money you use to pay the bills. I honestly believe romance novels and movies have taught us to have a totally unrealistic expectation of romance. Not everything is tons of money spent and grand gestures.
Also, I know you’re feeling like you’re putting in all this effort and doing all of this stuff for him…but do you know what his love language is? Perhaps the things you’re doing aren’t the things he needs in order to feel fulfilled. Too often, we love people the way we think they want to be loved instead of the way they would actually feel most loved. For us, learning each other’s love languages was a game changer.
Stop making all the effort, so he can see how it feels.
Find someone who does
Life’s too short to be ignored.
Kick his lazy ass to the curb
Would you miss him if he was gone?
#widowlife
Stop doing things for him. Tell him he has to make more of an effort or you are done.
Stop doing everything for him and see if he minds that you aren’t thoughtful 
Unplug the game system sling it in the yard then find a real man.
He’s selfish. He’s comfortable. Your too good for that shit.
Have one conversation about it if no changes happen tell him you want to separate and start to move on a love yourself.
What would you tell your daughter?
Do that.